i'm lame

i have so much- yet so little going on right now- i feel like i have nothing to post about, yet there's actually a lot going on! the hub's brother moved in with us last week & all is going well- albeit a bit of an adjustment there. the animals (oh so many of them!) are mainly getting along- except for my poor old cat which is causing more tension than i enjoy between the hub & i. pumpkin is having the time of her life & actually slept for 3 nights in a row... i whisper as to not jinx that! we finally got new curtains (cheap target curtains, but not the crappy blinds) that we've been meaning to do for 5 years. i lost a little weight- then had a horrible saturday night in which i ate way too much crap. not a ton- but after a solid week of being really good i feel it!

i know i mentioned family planning conversations. it's funny because i swear it changes daily. personally i don't know where i stand yet- i honestly feel most days i could & would be very happy & complete with our family of 3. then there are moments where i wonder about 1 more... not now- not even ready to think about it that seriously until maybe a year from now- but still. the slight conflict has me thrown. before we started trying for her- we both always thought we'd have 2 kids. he had said that he'd be okay with 1, me saying i'd like 2 & he was fine with that too. but then after almost 2 years of trying & now having her- i am not so sure i need a second. my wavering comes at moments when i see a new baby or hold one- but i think that is pretty normal no matter how complete or incomplete your family is. there is something about a brand new baby that seems to inspire want in those that have that instinct in them. even before we decided we were ready- holding a new baby made me, for that instant, want my own so badly. even now- when i can look over at my angel, it makes me yearn for that precious mewling little babe again. then the moment is gone & i am complete with my pumpkin. the only other time i wonder about another child is when i think about my experience with my sister. and then i see the hub & his brother. i want pumpkin to be able to experience that as well. that special bond is pretty amazing. then i think of my best friend- an only child- and how our relationship is like that of sisters- only better since we've been as close for nearly 20 years without a single fight between us. and i know there are other ways to get those relationships in her life. so- yes. conflict is here with me daily!

then there's the hub. literally 2 days ago he turned and looked at me after some amazing thing she did & said- maybe we should have another. then today after talking about the sleepless nights he said that we are done. the same thing happens weekly- he will be smitten with her & something incredibly cute or some milestone she has just hit & want another child. then he will clean out the corner of the guest room of all the baby stuff she's outgrown & want to get rid of it claiming we are done. (it's all in the basement- neither one of us is truly there to definitively say be gone with the old car seat or swing) i don't truly think that either of us will be ready to say what is truly in our hearts as far as our family being complete until we understand it ourselves. seeing the devastation the past 2 weeks in hai.ti makes us both want to run out & help as many of those children as we can. it has opened up a dialog about how we would grow our family and that has added a whole new dimension of confusion into the mix. there's just so much to sort through & on both sides we need to work it out. so- like i said... no announcements or anything- just a whole lotta figuring shit out.

i leave you with a little series of recent pumpkin related pictures- because she really is so awesome & if she was our one & only- she is enough.

the new face- such joy, i couldn't delete the pic even though it is technically not good at all!

a little series i like to call: momma's gonna be so gray after this!

she climbed all the way to the top. by herself. twice. of course the hub & i were literally a step behind her the whole time. but still- not even 10 months old!

ignore the carrot covered face- she was just so happy & you can see all 3 (almost 4!) of her teeth. love it!

scrunchy face

the new face. makes me melt & smile every time! and just got word from hub that so far 2oz were drunk in 5 of milk no problem... we shall see how this goes.

mia

this has been a crazy week. pumpkin finally slept! her tooth popped out & she has some relief. she came to work with me today & was an amazing kiddo.

the hub & i are tired. and sniping. and tired. and sorry. and fucking tired.

i did buckle down with my bad eating habits and was able to see the scale go down just a bit in a few days. despite having a huge work function & delicious yummy wine! i avoided almost all the bad appetizers, but the wine was calling my name!

we've been discussing major big things lately. but nothing yet that can be announced... family building & etc.

the hub's bro is moving in with us next week. i am ok & mainly happy about it as the kid needs some stability & we are able to provide it. but he has 3 cats... that makes me nervous.

pumpkin is making this scrunched up smiley face that melts your heart when you see it. pictures are very difficult to get but i keep trying. she is just a very happy & awesome little kid now. the baby is going away so quickly- which i miss dearly- but the little girl popping up is amazing!

i am officially having supply issues that i doubt i have the energy (especially now) or time (especially at work!) to remedy. we are going to attempt a slow wean during the day. i am having a ton of emotions about this as i love bf'ing and am not ready to give it up- but the pumping. oh how i can do without it. i have been pumping through what is essentially active moving/construction zones for 3 months now. i know that amazing moms have done so much more for so much longer, but she is almost 10 months. i was probably going to give up the pump soon-ish anyway. i am not- however- going to stop nursing when i am home with her. i just hope we find a good balance & my supply doesn't drop even more because of giving up the one a day pump session. i am going to start with dropping my nightly session (after nursing her) and slowly switch her bottles over to a formula. i still have about 12 frozen bags of milk to help with this transition. then after next week (!) i will probably drop my daytime pump at work- slowly spacing it so i don't explode... it feels so strange to be somewhat happy about weaning. even though i am holding on as long as she & i are both into it- i really feel that she is at the point that she is eating twice what i can provide for her through pumping. i added a nightly session to make up the difference- which worked for a time. but now she eats 8 oz at a clip. i am lucky if i produce 8 oz in 2-3 pump sessions (on top of her 'normal' 5-6 nurse sessions a day) so i think the kid is telling me she is ready for more- and since she is definitely not ready for milk other than momma's- we are going to be giving her formula for a month or 2. i have to say that i am truly very happy & proud that i was able to provide for her for 91/2 months. if i had been home with her who knows how long i would have gone. on the flip side though- had i gone back to work when she was 10 weeks old- would we still be bf'ing? it really makes me wonder & illustrates my own personal theories on how the universe gives you what you need when you need it- even if it isn't what you think you need or want.

argh- if you made it through that rant- good for you. i am very much enjoying my reward glass(es) of wine tonight. i am getting new glasses tomorrow & i am very excited about it!

finally

a little tiny sliver of hope in chez pumpkin? we've been pretty consistent with a bedtime routine- 7:30 bath, followed by a little naked playtime in the dimmed light of her room, a sweet massage with baby lotion, gt the pj's on, nurse, bedtime story & good night by 8pm. there's been a slow string of mild success- one night where she went from 11 or 12 to 5am. then a night will follow with a 11, 3, 7 pattern making me want to put in earplugs & hide in the basement...
yesterday was so nice out- we had a huge outdoor playdate with my friends from work & their kids- 6 kids from 8 months to 8 years. tons of fun, pumpkin loved all the attention & despite only having a half hour nap before leaving & maybe 20 minutes on the way to meet up- she was an angel all day! the other 8 month old (her local boyfriend- sorry nancy...she is such a flirt!) was equally good & nap free. a short 40 minute nap on the way home as i picked up some food(diet? what diet? sleep deprivation kills all willpower) then we had dinner & playtime. i moved her bath/bed routine up by a half hour since she had pretty much an hours less naptime than usual & she slept. she was up once at 2:30- but back to bed 10 minutes later. and didn't get up again until 7am! the hub is actually well rested & i am as close to it as i've been in the past 2 weeks. i think she is just going to be on an adjusted schedule as she was up much later in the morning. but if it means getting to sleep at night i am totally fine with getting up at 7 on weekends too!

i think she's getting hungry- she's certainly cranking a bit. too bad it's a miserable grey day- the 3 hours of fresh air may have contributed to her wonderful sleep last night!

blue team go

my real anniversary present. a tattoo designed by the hubs & i to represent our own dorky little couple phrase 'blue team go'. it started as this cheesy announcement on our honeymoon when they split up everyone on the cruise into teams for the on board games & contests. we never participated in any of them but would say 'blue team go' whenever our team (blue) got points announced. it then morphed throughout the 5 years of our marraige into our phrase when we both got a tough jeopardy question right, or were gearing up for some challenge (like the never ending kitchen reno!)

when the hub came home after 'winning' our tax audit- we got a big 'blue team go'. and now it's on my wrist forever. it's super simple but the first tattoo i've gotten with any shading- have to say that didn't really hurt much, but i am surprised by how quickly it swelled. the pics are from immediately after he was done & even now- about an hour later- it's so much better!

the guy was super nice & my neighbor & her friend came with me. we were all joking about childbirth, boobs, and funny stories the entire time. then some cocoa & now i am hearing pumpkin stirring. her tattoo is the big one & will have to be saved up for, but this definitely will keep me good for a little bit. they are addicting you know!

(please ignore just how much i lok like shit here- it's been a very long week & i am lucky i got it together to actually put on clothes today! i didn't realize my friend was going to take a pic showing me and my enormous looking thighs! - but i loved how we're in mid chat here!)

blur

what a week. getting back into the groove after the holidays is always hard- but this year felt epic. work was super fucking busy- but good. it's nice to be busy & i am feeling productive there. there's still a little lag in the comraderie i used to feel before the 'hiatus' and i am hoping that catches up soon.
on monday pumpkin had her 9 month appointment. when did that happen?! 9 months already- i swear i just peed on that test the other day... her stats have changed a lot, i was pretty sure she had thinned out (well- as much as chunky babies ever really thin out!) and i was right. she went from the 90th %tile at 6 months to the 60th now. a whopping 19 pounds 6 ounces and a net gain of 10 ounces. however- i noticed she had a wet diaper after being weighed- so i think she's really more like 19-3, but whatever. i was worried she hadn't grown taller at.all... then i swear she sprouted a half inch on sunday night. i put her to bed in pj's that were long & they fit perfect when she got up! she's down to the 25th for length at 27 (she was at the 50th) but no one is concerned as she comes from a couple of shorties. she's hit every milestone and then some and she now has gone to furniture hopping & standing for very brief periods on her own.

we are going through some major sleep regressions. the entire week she has added in a nightly wakeup at the ungodly time period of 12:30-2 am. i know it's due to teething as i am pretty sure she has one front tooth about to pop out & one that just started coming down. she's chewing the hell out of everything & mainlining frozen toys. we've done tylen.ol sparingly when nothing else seems to work & i swear that's the only reason she (i) got any sleep this week. i am probably going to run out today to return a gate to babies r us & maybe pick up some of the homeopathic teething gel or tablets (no ora.jel for us). she has become much more clingy & far more cranktastic tan she's ever been before. and more vocal. we're all just trying to get through it as best as possible- unfortunately letting her self-soothe is not working right now & nothing but a little midnight nurse will do. i just keep telling myself that it's not forever- we'll get through it. i do miss my sweet little girl who conked out from 8-6 though. that was bliss!
part of me absolutely does love being so needed for cuddles & comfort. and the other part of me blearily wonders when sleep is coming back. the hub tries- but he is a truly cranky bastard without his beauty rest & is rather useless fr the middle of the night anyway. which makes me regret exclusively breastfeeding as it's the only way she'll soothe back down most nights. i just gave her a binkie & it seemed to help. she doesn't really suck on them so much as gnaw them for the counter pressure- so hopefully i'm not opening a whole new can of worms. it's just a hard week. any words of encouragement/i feel ya's out there?

of course- now that she's happily snuggling with me & babbling away in my lap while i type one handed- i don't need any other encouragement. even when it's hard & sometimes does suck- i can't imagine life any other way now.

yesterday was my 5 year anniversary. and despite the hub not remembering. at. all. (grrrr) it still was the best one yet. we did nothing at all- i got him a card and some beer (woo-hoo!) and he made a delicious dinner & dessert. and we played with our daughter, then went to bed and napped between wake up calls. tonight our good friends are coming over for a semi-grown up slumber party- beer & movies. and hopefully a better nights sleep for all! then tomorrow i go for my real gift which i will hopefully post about then.