ch ch ch changes

as is the now usual theme of this lonely little corner of the interwebs i have been mia for a while. life it does march on so...

while my head and heart are reeling and attempting to process this past weeks events (each new face on the news looks like my boy or girl grown by only the shortest of years) and the holidays are coming and life has a way of marching on- or occasionally trampling.

we had a very expensive month last month with a very long rented car ride to visit sick family. the visit was great and the car rides surprisingly handle-able... but not something i am aching to repeat. then coming home to find a neighbors utter carelessness had caused damage to our car- not taken on said car trip so we could make sure it was ok- and thankfully neighbor pays for damage. but lo and behold our only vehicle is now in need of additional repair that the hub just does not have the resources to do in our driveway, on his back, in the cold. so $2k later we have a brand new-ish car and a whole lot of debt to pay off.

now we are slammed with a decision we knew was a possibility but not yet. it is too soon for this and we are not ready. we need to decide if we stay here and continue to struggle (now me, the breadwinner without a job and looking- or not...) or do we try to pick up and move (with decent assistance, but still a scary housing market) and plop ourselves in the middle of this great land with all associated culture shock for us- but great opportunity for career and family...

it's pretty much a no-brainer, but still hard. still a lot of stress and a lot of soul searching and potential heartache. i will leave my coast. i love my coast. i love being of this coast- the attitude, the resilience, the toughness and resourcefulness. the culture and the feeling. the mountains and the ocean- all within a few hours of my door. but my children could grow with kindness and opportunity. we can have more, be more, and live more in some ways. i will be farther from those i know and love- and right now that is hard to think of, but i do know that the hub and i will carve out our space anywhere. i will make friends and companions anywhere and so will the kiddos. they could go to great schools. 10 out of 10 schools. here we will struggle to supplement our local failing public system. we need to do this.

but i am scared. i am scared of failing, of making the wrong move and getting stuck. of not selling our house here. there are certain safeguards and i have faith we will be ok- but it is still scary.

but the kiddos are so good. pumpkin is astounding. so creative, so dramatic. she tells stories and performs. she is rich with imagination and while challenging she is the perfect 3 year old. without any of the shyness or reticence i expected. even without being in a structured school environment she is so smart. so quick to learn.  and with a memory i know i will be in awe of., and need to be careful for.

and 2.0...my sweet bruiser. he is so physical- putting things together and taking them apart. wrestling, climbing, exploring the world with strong baby arms. but so sweet. the first thing he says when pumpkin and i get him in the morning is her name. and the last thing he does at night is give everyone a big sloppy kiss. he still doesn't say much, but this week he learned what eyes, ears and noses are. i absolutely love this age and want to bottle them both up.

i have very specific thoughts brought on by the recent tragedies- ones i have not yet fully thought through myself, but the prevailing thought is that there are 20 families waking up with presents to be unopened. little tiny bodies that should be hugged and cuddled and should be telling them crazy princess alligator stories and they never will again.

there are 6 heroines who threw themselves in harms way. so many are around my age, or my mothers age (she works in a school with youngins herself- and i know she would be one of the first to try and save those babies or throw herself in front of harms way too) it all hits close. i can not imagine the devastation felt by all these families. i can feel the barest sliver because of an acutely empathetic nature- but i pray i will never know how these families feel. i do know my heart is bleeding for them. and i can only hope they and their angels get some peace in the coming year.

crazy messed up world

It has been almost 3 months since I posted. 3 months of mundane every day crazy. Of toddlers and preschoolers and trying to be supermom & superwife while still be supercareer girl all at the same time. Mainly managing to be decent at all three. I think there is a real post brewing away once I seem to get some time to think it out. What has me stuck right now is an overwhelming fear and sadness bought on by this week and months events. Colorado. New Jersey. Pennsylvania. New York. 5 babies lost. 4 sets of devastated parents. 4 times we are reminded there is evil all around us and danger in the most trusted places. Innocent lives barely begun and lost for no reason. This is a year of tragedy. My friend's daughter. my Nancy. Potentially my father in law. 5 sweet babies and countless more not in the news. It is enough to make you want to hide your head in the sand. Ti take those you love and try to hide them away as far from humanity (or the lack thereof) as you can. We live in a city where I have heard sirens multiple times each night these last 2 weeks. It makes me think the worlds gone mad. And I just want to step off and find a newer calmer more safe and peaceful one. I want the fairy tale world where sweet princesses wake up to happily ever after and young men are kind and gallant protectors.

Anniversaries and milestones

Tomorrow marks two occasions in my life. It is the one month anniversary of Nancy's death. I haven't even been able to leave a message on her memorial page. Every time I start there is some excuse to step away. I am still in disbelief. I'll catch myself every now & then about to shoot her a text, and then it catches up. A life gone too soon. So much left to see and do.
I think I am having anxiety issues. I noticed about 2 weeks ago that my heart would race, I get that panicked feeling in my gut. The tragic shooting in Colorado has made this a little more frequent. Babies died. They were all someone's baby, but a little sweet 6 year old girl... She probably had earned the special rite to stay up way too late and see what I hope her parents deemed her old enough to watch. And her poor mother, lost 2 babies. A whole world gone in the blink of an eye because of a madman's fantasy.
I cry for them. For her. For my friend who can't hold her 3 babies anymore and those babies who needed many more years of hugs. For my friend who is looking at the 5 month anniversary of her daughters birth and death and who is functioning. But nowhere near healed. There are too many tears lately.
Then I come home or wake up and see my world. My heart living outside of me. I am anxious for them, for all the myriad dangers this world can hold and the little I can do to prevent it. They are what calms me when I have an anxiety attack. Hearing their voices & giggles. Seeing them play & fight together and getting to enjoy our special moments. I love story time and cuddle time. Play time and clean up time. The hugs goodbye in the morning and the squeals of joy at night. They make the hard days, the tired days, the days when everything feels so much bigger than it is, able to be dealt with.
Tomorrow is another big day. My Little Bear is 14 months old. He is a toddler. He runs. He climbs. He scales the walls and hits his head, he is fascinated by the toilet brush. He cries with the face melting sadness only a toddler is capable of when you tell him no. He smiles when I walk in his room every morning and without fail when I come home at night. He giggles and talks to me. He is getting at least 4 teeth and sleeps through the night. He eats everything in sight and must weigh more than his sister. He is strong and sweet and very very mechanically inclined. He can open cabinet doors and the fridge door. He has figured out cabinet locks. And how to move things and stack them to best climb where he wants to go. He loves music.
He signs more and says mama, baba, nana (banana) dada, dohd(dog) & a-deh (Caiden).

He is my sunshine boy and I am so happy he came into our lives. I hope we all get to enjoy each other like this for a very long time. As long as we do have together I hope that I always remember that there is nothing more important than this for me. That although there are hard days, and frustrations, & times I just want to bury my head or scream until everything just stops...these blessings I have are what I chose and dreamed of for 'my all'. My family. My love. My heart.

Pinball

My brain is shooting in so many directions lately. I am still reeling from the loss of Nancy. Not being able to be there to say goodbye is flavoring her loss with a strong sense of the surreal. My brain keeps slipping. Telling me she is just a text away. But she isn't. I have thought of so many things in the past 2 weeks that I have wanted to share with her. Or ask her opinion on. Or just call her to chat about. I miss her so much it hurts. But she has already taught me. I want to do more for her. I can be more. I can educate or be a catalyst. Since I had pre-ecclampsia with my daughter and was blessed with a happy ending while one of my closest lifelong friends is still leveled by the loss of her angel daughter from the same disease I think I have found my passion cause. While I will always support and advocate for IF and all it entails, I think my energy will most likely be focused on finding a way to educate and fundraise for this particular possibility. I have found a local walk that I will participate in next year. I also found a charity organization that supplies blankets and knit items for nicu babies & their parents. I love to knit and to make something that could comfort grieving parents in some infinitesimal way would almost start to feel like a contribution. The one thing I want to ask my friend K is IF she got to hold and cradle her little girl. I know the question is really not mine to ask since that moment is hers. I think it is my hope that she got that hour with her.
Just like I wish that all mommies that have tried & hoped & wanted their babies so very much get to have those moments that I quite frankly have to remind myself sometimes not to overlook. But some don't. Some never get there. Some are there for far too short a time.
Whether it is infant loss or parent loss the loss is hitting me in the gut these days. I have been having various nightmares. They always involve pumpkin. I am sure that is significant in some way. Little Bear is loved and cherished, but he was not sought after the way she was. I know already there is a difference there. Not in the amount of love or care, but something far more intangible and hard to describe. She is tied to so many emotions that he isn't. I struggled for her and hold her differently. He is my sweet sunshine. She is my hard won diva. She is the one I think of with every horrid news story involving a child. Every time I think of Nancy I imagine not getting to hear her little voice telling me 'my name is pbs.org' (which I don't understand but love). Every time I think of K i think of the lifetime of missed kisses and cuddles and boo-boos that she will never know. And if there is or was anything I could do to ease any of those pains I will. Even if it can't change anything for my friends. I hope that in their honor a small difference will be made.
I am rambling. As usual. That's the real purpose for this blog, but this has been an especially rambly kind of time.
In other news: in short... No move is planned right now. Job stays here. Kids are amazingly well and I am trying to enjoy all the moments. Hub & I are pretty good. For the most part really good with a smattering of fight/bicker here & there. Job is good, but crazy busy. I can't wait for vacation despite the fact that we have a lot of good and exciting projects at my job.
This is the first year we can take a real vacation and I can not wait. I have something utterly kitschy and very americana planned and booked. But I have a month & a half to wait.
After this long winding bouncing post I just want to wrap up with this- enjoy what life gives you. Even what you think is tough, someone else would wish for. You can handle anything. Because the beautiful part of life is that you are here. For the briefest of moments. And not much matters beyond living the life you can look back on with no regrets - except that there is never enough life to live. Soak up every moment and try to remember at least every day or week that no matter how hard or bleak it seems, the life we have really is a gift we can enjoy and use how we wish. This is the advice I am telling myself these days

RIP

For my friend.




My tattoo. It represents my family. The thing in my life I am most proud of and happy with. It is the first thing people can see and there is little to hide it unless I really have to.


Special socks just for Nancy.

I will always miss you my badass sweet beautiful big hearted friend

Farewell my sweet snarky friend

It has taken since Thursday to attempt to write this and I am sure I am not done yet, but today is a week after Nancy died. (man is it hard to spell that out...) I have been mia from the IF community for a few years now- after 2 kiddos in just over 2 years I didn't feel I had a real home there anymore. But with her death I had to see for myself that it was real and I know this community rallies in tragedy. This is my first comment in years on the stirrup queens blog. A day after the sucker punch to the heart that was learning that my friend Nancy is really gone. While the cause of her death and the circumstances around it aren't really clear- in a way it doesn't matter. A light has gone out & knowing how it happened won't turn it back on. It seems like no one could have prevented it and I certainly can't change it. I can only hope she had no pain and that the inevitable grief and pain her family feels will be replaced with the happy memories of their awesome mom, wife, sister, daughter. Of her infectious laugh and smile. Her sweet and ever generous spirit & her way of saying what you needed to hear- not necessarily what you wanted to hear. She told great stories & 'crazy guy pills' still makes me shake my head with a smile:

I am still in shock and a large part of me refuses to believe that this firecracker, snarky, fearless, brave & yet sweet & fragile lioness is gone. I only got a brief visit in person, yet Nancy was a very special part of my life. One that I wish I had to cherish just a little longer. We met on WebMD boards and she introduced me to the blogging community (and the whole concept of blogging) which became my outlet in our limited bout with IF. She was a truly understanding and compassionate friend to me despite distance, despite not actually being close enough to offer a hug for comfort. I could call or text or email her with any question or vent and never had to worry about feeling judged. I knew I would get a no-hold’s barred answer- but that is what I loved about her. She was not perfect- but she would be the first to tell you so. She was also the first to comfort, the first to virtually ‘yell’ just POAS already & get it over with! She was the first person (besides my husband) that I told of our surprise pregnancy with #2. I was supposed to finally be able to host her this year so she could meet him.
I am in tears over the loss of this amazing woman in a community of amazing women. The world is a little dimmer now. My tattooed roller derby foul mouthed momma is gone.
I will cherish the time I could call her my friend and I will try to enjoy and really live my life without fear the way she could inspire me to. I will strive for honesty and truth in her honor. And I will one day ride some rollerskates and think of her.
My heart is with her family and especially the children that I know she loved more than anything.



Tonight I took the time to really enjoy my babies. We had an impromptu dance party that started outside on my steps and moved into the house and ended with all three of us in a breathless happy pile on the floor. I thought of her then and while I wish she could have many more years of just these moments, I felt a glimmer of a smile that she could now look over us & see that I can honor her life by living and enjoying mine fully.
I love you Nancy and I will never forget you.

Remember Nancy

The wonderful gangsta Kym has organized a fitting tribute for Nancy. Her obituary and information on how to donate for her family are in the page as well. If anyone doesn't have facebook just e-mail for the information and I will send it to you.

I still don't know how to process that she is gone. I have been scouring the internet & stalking her facebook page for 2 days straight. I have reread some of her favorite posts, e-mails & texts and I still was waiting to really see it for it to truly sink in. It really is real. My snarky sweet & badass friend is gone. I don't know how (really- I have heard blood clot from a former surgery - one of 23 I think) and I certainly don't know why. I do know she had been through the ringer like most of us these past few years- but despite some serious setbacks she was sounding so much more like her Nancy self we all knew and loved. Her light was so bright that I am blinking in the dark a bit now that it is out.

I don't have much to give- but I want to be able to show her family & especially her children that she was truly loved for her amazing spirit. And I for one will never forget her.

Heart broke

I have lost my friend. I only got to really see her once. She was there for me despite the distance. She was supposed to come visit me this year. I can't even imagine after the triumphs over many many hardships these past few years that she is now gone. Her heart was gold. I will miss her more than she will ever know.

A year and a life

I just looked and realized i haven't posted in 2 months. So much has happened... But not. My pumpkin turned 3. 3 years and such a little person. She is amazing and frustrating and awe inspiring. She is smart & kind & empathetic & bossy & funny. She is obsessed with alligators & pirates & princesses. She is sweet and caring with her brother all while fighting over toys. She is very 3. And very much my baby still- all while seeing her grow literally before my eyes.

And my Little Bear... He turns one tomorrow. One. This past year has been the fastest in my history. He is big. Wearing 2T clothes. He is strong. He is cranky when he doesn't eat. He loves to climb everything- chairs, windowsills, the bed, stairs. But he won't walk- he can- he took 4 steps & stopped. He is blond and happy and determined. He loves music and can put objects together already. I watch him try to figure out the world & it is such a bittersweet thing to watch. I love seeing him grow, but he is my last baby so it is hard sometimes to know its the last 'first'. And tomorrow is my last first birthday. I am waiting for my sister to get in from a train ride from hell on a dark & stormy night & thinking about all this year has held.
My relationship with the hub is mainly better now. We still get incredibly stressed, but we're communicating a bit better. We have a ways to go but our foundation is strong.
Work is incredibly hard sometimes& challenging with a lot of changes. My company may be sold. My job may move to another state. My boss is in said other state & while i like him grow& we get along- i don't think i am there yet for moving. But i am thinking about it. I have an enormous project on top of a big project on top of the everyday workings. It is a lot to coordinate and stay on top of in addition to feeling like i need to be suoermom & make birthdays amazing because dads just don't do these things.
I want to lose at least 10 & at most 20 pounds and stress and 2 very small ones and being the breadwinner make it hard. I don't like my new post double pregnancies under 2 years body. I wear a size i can mainly be ok with... But it doesn't look the way i want. I want a lot in the next year but overall i want a happy family. And i pretty much have that so all in all... it's been a pretty good year.

You think you know

You think you know about loss. About pain. About grief. You think you know sorrow and despair.
And then you really see it. You see a lifelong friend break in front of your eyes at her daughters memorial. The daughter that you should just now be planning a baby shower for. That had a life of hope and promise taken far too soon. The friend that you know is blaming herself for the worst possible choice a parent can make-which wasn't even a choice. The search for reason. Any sense that can be made. You know the barest sliver of what she feels and the weight of that crushes you. The thought of what she is going through has you paralyzed with what-could-have-beens. The sounds of her broken sobs feel like they are coming from your chest but they aren't. You are on the other side.
You think you know about strength and love. Then you see it. You see the pillar of the father. So strong and supportive when you know he is also broken inside. Just because she needs it more right now & his love is propping her up. The love of the family. Of her friends. If only that could make it all better. If only life and death made sense.
You think you know hard. But you have no idea. You can see it in front of you. You can imagine having to live it. But you don't. You had a tiny taste. And then every dream came true. You think your problems are problems...then you see someone you love completely gutted by the stuff of nightmares & you realize you just have no idea.

Grief

My heart is breaking in so many ways for my friend. She had to deliver her sweet angel at just barely 24 weeks. She lived an hour.
I know i don't have any perfect words, but through this IF community i do know that staying silent and keeping clear does not help. I can not imagine experiencing this loss. But i do understand the sleepless nights of 'what-ifs' & the fear that you will never have that which you so wished for.
I can only hope for comfort & some sort of peace for her & her husband. And that i somehow say either the right words (especially as i am one of the few voices for her right now) or at least avoid the wrong ones.
I am grateful that despite my trials of doubt, my angel babies are asleep upstairs. I am one of the lucky and not a day goes by i don't remember that & hope that everyone gets to feel that.
I know my little blog is relatively anonymous & outside the Alli community. I have few followers & fewer hits. But if there is anyone who can give some insight into what to never/always say in situations like this please chime in. At the moment i am texting her daily even if it just says i love her & was thinking of her. Is there more? I want desperately to let her get through this loss with some hope for the future, but more importantly i want that future to happen quickly. Not to erase the memory of their daughter, but to get to the point where she can live again. Because i am pretty sure she is in a constant state of heartbreak & doubt & fear & loneliness & i just want to make it better.
Much like i prayed daily/hourly while she waited in the hospital for some miracle to save them both, i just want to do something. Even if my.logical brain knows there is really nothing i can do but be here for her

prayer

just when i think i hit my breaking point i am always cosmically reminded of just how good & easy i have it. my in-laws are here & seeing how faded fil is is humbling, frightening & sad. my intention for their trip was to coincide with my annual trip to a trade show on the other side of the country so the hub had some help. it has turned out that he now just has more on his already full plate. i just hope it goes relatively smoothly & everyone survives.
my other cosmic reminder has come in the form of a very close friend who is now in the hospital at 23 weeks for pih & low amniotic fluid. she & her precious baby girl could use all the good energy/vibes/thoughts/prayers this world can give. little girl needs to stay in as long as possible because while technical viability is around the corner- she only measures at 19 weeks & really really can't come yet.

my lack of sleep due to teething little bear & pumpkins constant almost-3 year old boundary testing are very happy problems to have when you consider just how close we can come to losing it all in one breath.

not

so- that break i was hoping for is just not coming. little bear is sleeping slightly better this past weekend- marginally better since thursday (meaning he gets up 1-3ish instead of 11-1-ish the first time.) last night would have been the best nights sleep ever as he got up at 4 only.
except for the horrible fight the hub & i had last night. where things that cannot be unsaid were said. from him. to me. about me & our family.
happy fucking valentines day. i hate this holiday even more now. its just so damn hard to be a romantic who constantly gets disappointed (then completely devastated) on this made up most romantic of holidays.

spent

i am currently in the most mentally & emotionally bruised & battered state. i haven't really slept (more than 2.5 or 3 hours at a time) in over 2 weeks. little bear is going through some trifecta of teething/cold/separation anxiety that means he is attached to me for hours at night since i am at work all day. the hub has thrown his back out once, pulled a muscle in his back once & has had an annoying throat tickle couch for the past 2 weeks too. he's slept on the couch more nights than not. given our current combined sleep deprivation i am honestly very surprised we are still married & in the same house. he gets tired and he gets cranky- and mean. and he says things he doesn't mean and the things that seem innocent on paper sound nasty out of his sleep deprived mouth. and i am not much better. my resolve for more patience- yeah- that's been a distant dream lately. i am trying, but success is very hard. usually i am good with the kids- but the hub gets the brunt of all of it. we have had more fights than i care to think about. it's also extremely difficult to be patient with someone that you currently really don't like. at all. i want peace, niceness, concern & respect. right now i have a selfish, self-centered brute who can't separate his pain (which believe me i understand and empathize with) from lashing out at his wife & partner. so i am not feeling like providing much support or help. not when the only thing i get in reciprocation is nasty foul mouthed berating for what i don't do. never recognition for all the things i actually do. it's frustrating and hard all around and i am really just hoping little bear gives us a break soon.

pumpkin is starting to add to the sleep deprivation as well from an unexpected but welcome source. potty training. she is 75% trained. she wears no diapers at all now- just at night since we really are trying to get just a little sleep... lazy- maybe, but i physically can't get up more at night than i already am. she has even started 'doing it all' in the potty as of 2 days ago. all of this is awesome & yes- i am that mom of a toddler focused on bodily functions! the only downside to all of this is the timing- she has started to hate being wet & wakes up at 4:30am to get changed. this is not a fun time as it is smack in the middle of little bear's only 3 hour stretch at night. so now my only shot at any form of sleep is gone. which is really really not helping the overall mood in the oasis house. it is currently more a fiery pit of hell around here (maybe i am slightly exaggerating...)
i don't even have a break at work now- my boss has left (quit/retired- it's semantics at this point) officially he was offered to relocate with his position to another state, unofficially i think is a completely different story. but i am now boss-less. i report to the next level up and i am the only member of my department now. all decisions made by me. it is an exciting and terrifying place to be. there is a lot going on, a lot to keep track of, and i am the only one to do it. i am close to overwhelmed at work, completely overwhelmed at home, feeling like i am on my own wherever i look. i need the hub to suck it up & be a real support right now- especially since there was word of my position moving with my boss's to this other state- i might have a position here still, but it won't be the same one & i don't know yet what it would be- what that means for career advancement or salary or any of that. it is a difficult place to be wherever i look & it's not made easier by yelling/cursing/cranky bastard hub...oh- yeah... he also insists we get a new home for my 7 year old dog. who is incidentally the best dog on the planet. and all because he doesn't really like him anymore and is tired of having to vacuum the house every day. because you wouldn't have to do that anyway with 2 under 3- right?
just tell me it will all get easier soon. i need a fairy tale middle here. i can't wait for the end! my in-laws are coming in 2 weeks for 2 weeks & i am traveling for a week of that time- so maybe i will sleep then? if i haven't dropped dead of pure exhaustion first!

Resolve

As is fitting the season I have been thinking of my goals and aspirations for the year. I have been dealing with a lot these past few years & I am afraid it has all taken a toll. I am not 100% myself anymore. I have lost or misplaced parts of who I was that I miss, I want them back. I have gained things that I cherish (strength, wisdom, financial restraint, the ability to let go- of uneeded stuff/objects, one sided friendships, old hurts) but I have lost so much as well.
My marriage is wounded. We are both feeling burnt from the last few years & 3 years of babies, not sleeping, major financial strain, new jobs, layoffs, parent health issues have made us lash out at each other as we save the very best of ourselves for our children and the world outside. It is draining, and it is chipping away at our trust and regard for each other. I am not the wife I want to be right now & I am hoping to catch myself again before it gets worse. I want the warm happy feelings, the glow & the overwhelming feeling that I am with my other half, my true partner, to return. I want to stop being so short & critical with him- and for him to treat me with more respect & appreciation for all I do.
I have been so stressed, so wound that I am snapping at Pumpkin far more than deserved. I know it is common & I know we'll work through it, but I don't like this part of me. My resolve for them is to be more patient, more understanding. I want them to have the idyllic childhood we all wish we had. I want cookies baked & crafts done, stories told and the fondest of memories to look back on. I want strong, independent, sweet, kind & creative adults to blossom. I don't want them to look back and say 'mom & dad did/n't do x, so now I am lacking something I should have had'. This year I am feeling the pressure of many forces and wanting to rise to challenges better.

The remainder of my goals are pretty much stock:
-lose 15 pounds
-eliminate debt
-have savings grow
-take a real vacation
- start a garden & eat fresher/smarter/healthier
-remember to take a little time just for me
-knit like crazy because I love it & am good at it
-get Pumpkin potty trained
-be in more pictures instead of just taking them (and print them out!)
-make time for the true friends in my life, but let go of trying to force friendships to last if they've run their course.
-be more organized

Looks like enough for a year.