I have been extremely lax here. My vow to write more was a casualty of an extremely busy job/life/season/year. Kids in school and sports, hitting great milestones and amazing me daily. Also frustratingly falling back into behaviors I thought we left far behind. The girl sassing and whining. The boy waking up 2-3 times a night and hitting the terrible twos with a vengeance a month before turning three.
The hub working like a maniac to finish mom's space before the end of summer. All while still navigating his own grief I a very closed and angry way.
Mom working through her own- hitting one year from both brother and dad - in - law like a ton of bricks.
I'm working through too. The past year was about holding everyone else together. Getting through and getting us all here- new state, new home, new normal. I have my own work to do. I cling to my phone now. I realized this week that I feel panicked if I am out or at work and don't have my phone within reach. The terrified and stricken voicemail from the hub that January day is etched into my mind. I never want to not be right there again. But it comes with a casualty. I am lost a bit from being really present for my kiddos and the hub because of this little piece of technology. Yet I am not doing anything with it. I browse Facebook or play a game. I look up pinterest worthy things but miss the adorable and amazing in front of me. I let the hub slip past and realize this morning I talk more to colleagues than him- he talks more with his mom than me. We need to change this.
So I will quiet my life. Keep my browsing to set times and limits. Be more purposeful than aimless distraction. And come here when I need to say something. It is nap time on a Saturday- a good time to sit and collect thoughts and become more peaceful. And a better relationship with my phone is my first step. Since my phone is pretty much the only way I post- I fully expect this little ole blog to get even dustier (if possible!) but I'll still be checking in and posting. Hopefully more purposefully and meaningfully. If not regularly.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Saturday, March 1, 2014
turmoil
My brain is in a swirling tempest right now. I can not get my thoughts clear enough to have a decent post. I have been traveling and crazy busy at work. Then home is even more busy between construction and kiddos and normal day to day life.
I want things I can not express to myself right now. I crave a difference I can't articulate. I am wistful for the might have beens and hopeful for the what may comes. I am happy and looking for more all in one. I am both enjoying my reality and disappearing in fantasy all in the same day. It is a duality I am trying to work through and get past so I can be more of the moment per my yearly goal. I know I will get there but the getting is hard and painful to go through. And apparently stifles my goal of writing more...
I want things I can not express to myself right now. I crave a difference I can't articulate. I am wistful for the might have beens and hopeful for the what may comes. I am happy and looking for more all in one. I am both enjoying my reality and disappearing in fantasy all in the same day. It is a duality I am trying to work through and get past so I can be more of the moment per my yearly goal. I know I will get there but the getting is hard and painful to go through. And apparently stifles my goal of writing more...
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
silence
Staying quiet as I struggle to just get through right now. It is cold and grey and bleary in my new town. The kids aren't sleeping through a night anymore and work is fast paced and stressful- although good and challenging and rewarding. Finances are tight-ish and I just want to get to the other side.
I have been through all this before and my support system is strong and capable. But it means creativity and 'leisure' activities take a back seat as all my strength and brain cells go to focusing and budgeting and trying to remember not to yell so much...especially at 3 am when it's the hardest but most important to be a gentle thoughtful mom.
I just want my electric bill to stop going up as the temps go down and the cars to still both have gas at the end of the week and surprise costs to stop popping up.
And then I need to tackle taxes which include a relocation and sale/purchase of homes and 2 states to file for...gah.
What was my word again?
I have been through all this before and my support system is strong and capable. But it means creativity and 'leisure' activities take a back seat as all my strength and brain cells go to focusing and budgeting and trying to remember not to yell so much...especially at 3 am when it's the hardest but most important to be a gentle thoughtful mom.
I just want my electric bill to stop going up as the temps go down and the cars to still both have gas at the end of the week and surprise costs to stop popping up.
And then I need to tackle taxes which include a relocation and sale/purchase of homes and 2 states to file for...gah.
What was my word again?
Thursday, January 23, 2014
flashing back
I am thinking back tonight. I am remembering the past 2 years and moments from them like bright flashes that flare up in an instant out of nowhere. Tiny match flares that spark a fire of memory.
I am knitting a baby blanket. It is special As all are. It is for a new life cherished and beloved although not yet out breathing air among us. It is my best friends baby. A rainbow baby (I have just heard that term and love it). A little boy blessed with 2 amazing parents and an angel sister. Knitting his blanket is physically different than any other blanket I've knitted. It is black. It is bold. It will have a Batman insignia on it. Because this kid is genetically destined to be as fearless and cool as batman. He has a roller derby mom and a mountain man dad. His big sister defied every odd to breathe for an hour and spread hope joy and love in her short short life.
I can't help but think of the last blanket I was making for my friend. I started it in February. It was cold and grey then too. But that blanket was bright and pink and happy and lacy. It was girly and pretty. It was bold and happy. I brought it with me as I left for a business trip lasting 4 days. I think I saw a Facebook post or a text right before boarding that stopped me cold. I prayed and knitted the whole flight. I finally was able to talk with her at my first destination. She had pre eclampsia. She was hospitalized. The baby was measuring a week or more behind. I had read enough and researched enough in my IF history (as well as being induced for the same disease myself) to be terrified for her. She wasn't even 24 weeks. It was far too soon. Please let them be ok I begged over and over as my fingers somehow remembered the pattern growing the blanket from a few rows to inches.
Landing in the city of flashing lights and gambling and non stop excitement and I just kept checking for updates. She was being induced. Labor was not kind. Hours passed. Prep for c section. And silence. The heartbreaking text I can't even imagine a father having the strength to write. And me on the other side of the country just wishing I could be there for them.
That blanket became a shrug. A shawl with arms to hold my friend and keep a piece of her daughter. She wore it the day of her memorial. The only stipulation was to wear bright colors. No somber black. The blanket was to be bright pink. The shawl matched her dress perfectly.
This blanket is different. This baby different. I know my friend is comparing too. Analyzing every week. Every scan. Every movement and change in her body. Hoping it is different this time. This blanket is very different. Yet the love I feel for her, for them, is the same. Pink and black. Black for batman's strength. Pink for the love and hope. Intertwined and separate. I am also looking at the same work trip this year. But it falls right around her carefully planned delivery. And I hope to have this blanket done before then so as to not tempt comparison anymore.
I am knitting a baby blanket. It is special As all are. It is for a new life cherished and beloved although not yet out breathing air among us. It is my best friends baby. A rainbow baby (I have just heard that term and love it). A little boy blessed with 2 amazing parents and an angel sister. Knitting his blanket is physically different than any other blanket I've knitted. It is black. It is bold. It will have a Batman insignia on it. Because this kid is genetically destined to be as fearless and cool as batman. He has a roller derby mom and a mountain man dad. His big sister defied every odd to breathe for an hour and spread hope joy and love in her short short life.
I can't help but think of the last blanket I was making for my friend. I started it in February. It was cold and grey then too. But that blanket was bright and pink and happy and lacy. It was girly and pretty. It was bold and happy. I brought it with me as I left for a business trip lasting 4 days. I think I saw a Facebook post or a text right before boarding that stopped me cold. I prayed and knitted the whole flight. I finally was able to talk with her at my first destination. She had pre eclampsia. She was hospitalized. The baby was measuring a week or more behind. I had read enough and researched enough in my IF history (as well as being induced for the same disease myself) to be terrified for her. She wasn't even 24 weeks. It was far too soon. Please let them be ok I begged over and over as my fingers somehow remembered the pattern growing the blanket from a few rows to inches.
Landing in the city of flashing lights and gambling and non stop excitement and I just kept checking for updates. She was being induced. Labor was not kind. Hours passed. Prep for c section. And silence. The heartbreaking text I can't even imagine a father having the strength to write. And me on the other side of the country just wishing I could be there for them.
That blanket became a shrug. A shawl with arms to hold my friend and keep a piece of her daughter. She wore it the day of her memorial. The only stipulation was to wear bright colors. No somber black. The blanket was to be bright pink. The shawl matched her dress perfectly.
This blanket is different. This baby different. I know my friend is comparing too. Analyzing every week. Every scan. Every movement and change in her body. Hoping it is different this time. This blanket is very different. Yet the love I feel for her, for them, is the same. Pink and black. Black for batman's strength. Pink for the love and hope. Intertwined and separate. I am also looking at the same work trip this year. But it falls right around her carefully planned delivery. And I hope to have this blanket done before then so as to not tempt comparison anymore.
Friday, January 17, 2014
tempering
In order to strengthen steel it is placed into a red hot fire to burn off impurities and change the makeup of the atoms. Rearranging them into something stronger, harder and tougher.
I feel like this past year (& even now) I am going through a similar process. Life is not being overall kind and certainly not easy these days or recent days or the last 365-380...
Between the tragedies of death - both sudden and expected but none easier - and the massive shift of location and makeup of our family- we would have been covered. But in addition to that throw in a promotion and adjustment to a whole new department in my job in a new city in a very different part of the country. New friends and responsibilities. Two children in very challenging stages in their lives. A slightly to semi - broken hub and mother in law both struggling with enormous and unresolved relationship history as we all try to live together. All of this is challenge enough for a year.
Now throw in construction. Disruption. Inconvenience. Now you are testing with fire.
And for good measure let's now have a crazy neighbor. Like he calls the cops on a children's pool party and clear cut all the branches of your tree that hang over his property line crazy. And that was a few years ago. Now he messes with fences and diverts water onto others property. He berates neighbors and anyone who works on his property. He is belligerent and unstable. After not quite 9 months I am now looking at restraining orders and options due to a harassing and threatening phone call at my job. And we are not alone. Now he has apparently taken to photographing the neighborhood children instead of just staring at them. And my kiddos are next door.
So there is my fire. My furnace. My hardening trials that will turn me strong. I only hope that I am not sharp and brittle at the end of this. I hope the fire burns away the impurities and makes me more myself I hope beyond hope that my little family (now a little bigger) gets through all this in one piece and stronger and better on the other side. That we are whole and happy. That my children are safe and my husband and I are happy again- not happy moments happy, but 'wish I knew their secret' happy.
I feel like this past year (& even now) I am going through a similar process. Life is not being overall kind and certainly not easy these days or recent days or the last 365-380...
Between the tragedies of death - both sudden and expected but none easier - and the massive shift of location and makeup of our family- we would have been covered. But in addition to that throw in a promotion and adjustment to a whole new department in my job in a new city in a very different part of the country. New friends and responsibilities. Two children in very challenging stages in their lives. A slightly to semi - broken hub and mother in law both struggling with enormous and unresolved relationship history as we all try to live together. All of this is challenge enough for a year.
Now throw in construction. Disruption. Inconvenience. Now you are testing with fire.
And for good measure let's now have a crazy neighbor. Like he calls the cops on a children's pool party and clear cut all the branches of your tree that hang over his property line crazy. And that was a few years ago. Now he messes with fences and diverts water onto others property. He berates neighbors and anyone who works on his property. He is belligerent and unstable. After not quite 9 months I am now looking at restraining orders and options due to a harassing and threatening phone call at my job. And we are not alone. Now he has apparently taken to photographing the neighborhood children instead of just staring at them. And my kiddos are next door.
So there is my fire. My furnace. My hardening trials that will turn me strong. I only hope that I am not sharp and brittle at the end of this. I hope the fire burns away the impurities and makes me more myself I hope beyond hope that my little family (now a little bigger) gets through all this in one piece and stronger and better on the other side. That we are whole and happy. That my children are safe and my husband and I are happy again- not happy moments happy, but 'wish I knew their secret' happy.
Friday, January 10, 2014
helps needed
My sweet sister needs help. Help I can't give because of proximity and experience. She is experiencing postpartum or something similar. I am always there for her but I can only listen and be sympathetic. I can't actually help or offer a been there this is what I did or felt. I have never experienced wishing I didn't have my children. And I am not sure how to help her. So I offered to find her support that had been there and this is my first step. Who should she read to see and understand she isn't alone? Where do I steer her? Any suggestions are appreciated. I need to make sure my family is ok. After this past year I just want everyone I know to be ok. It is a driving force and I will drop everything if my hubby/sister/friend is hurting and raising that flag.
I am not even sure who still comes here but I need some direction. What are good postpartum resources/posts/blogs? Where can I look to help my sister get through the blackness of an infancy she doesn't relish?
I am not even sure who still comes here but I need some direction. What are good postpartum resources/posts/blogs? Where can I look to help my sister get through the blackness of an infancy she doesn't relish?
Thursday, January 9, 2014
sleep less
My sweet little boy is getting up at least twice a night lately. He is fighting sleep in the worst way. Last week it was begging for more 'huds & tisses' which sounds adorable until you've been going back in for nearly an hour. Thankfully that has shifted but this week it's changing pj's 3 before finally going to bed.
After he finally stays in his room and goes to sleep he is up between 2-3 then again between 5:30-6:30. He has been soaking through his diaper and pj's once a night. I am at a loss.
What's left of my brain tells me that he is growing and learning and doesn't want to stop. He is saying more every single day and putting sentences together. He did the alphabet today and loves to put things together. I understand that it's hard to turn that off. Plus the fact that I work all day and he misses the cuddle time means he gets up to come in my room and try to sneak into bed with us. I usually wake up to return him. Which is ultimately good for both his sleep habits and my marriage as the hub does not enjoy the children kicking him all night. It is not good for my day to day.
Add to all this work crazies (mainly good but still hard and stressful) and my hip is acting up again. I have a labral tear and every few years it acts up. It means restless nights as I tried to get into a good position. Actually breaking down and taking advil and trying to rest which just doesn't happen. Especially when I do relax enough to sleep I am woken up after only a few hours. My still working portion of my brain tells me this will pass. But I sure hope it's coming quickly.
After he finally stays in his room and goes to sleep he is up between 2-3 then again between 5:30-6:30. He has been soaking through his diaper and pj's once a night. I am at a loss.
What's left of my brain tells me that he is growing and learning and doesn't want to stop. He is saying more every single day and putting sentences together. He did the alphabet today and loves to put things together. I understand that it's hard to turn that off. Plus the fact that I work all day and he misses the cuddle time means he gets up to come in my room and try to sneak into bed with us. I usually wake up to return him. Which is ultimately good for both his sleep habits and my marriage as the hub does not enjoy the children kicking him all night. It is not good for my day to day.
Add to all this work crazies (mainly good but still hard and stressful) and my hip is acting up again. I have a labral tear and every few years it acts up. It means restless nights as I tried to get into a good position. Actually breaking down and taking advil and trying to rest which just doesn't happen. Especially when I do relax enough to sleep I am woken up after only a few hours. My still working portion of my brain tells me this will pass. But I sure hope it's coming quickly.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
mommy fail
I am tired today. The kind of bone tired that starts everyday the boy gets up during the night. Today wasn't terrible but I am sleep deprived for months now. And last night I had added fears of freezing pipes and losing power and heat. Of trees coming down (Although our $3k of tree work in the last 9 months means the house is highly unlikely to be hit) I woke up and coffee wasn't helping much as I made it to work after a slightly fuzzy drive.
I came home to a lovely dinner made by the hub and enjoyed my kiddos a bit before popping on a Netflix so the grownups can watch jeopardy in peace- a normal Tuesday.
Then bedtime came and I just wanted to get it done so I could finish the face warmer mask for the hub. I felt like I failed him a little not getting it done last night so he could use today when he could have really used it. (Turns out he stayed inside today thawing out the walls and more importantly the frozen pipes in them)
Kiddos have been fighting bedtime. The boy gets up a lot and yells for mama, dada, even the dog if it means a few more minutes. It literally takes going in, hugging him tight and telling him to go to sleep and stop yelling and getting up because I'm not coming back in. And I hate saying that. We've had so much loss in a year that I don't ever want to tell him I won't come back. But I am weak and tired and it works so I say it.
And the girl is 4 almost 5 and wants to connect at night since I work all day. She sleeps in (of which I am admittedly jealous) so we don't get much time in the morning. So the after dinner crazy play time then cuddles at bed is about it right now. And tonight after the boy got up again and she went off on yet another tangent to stall me leaving I lost it. I yelled. I stormed out. I quickly changed the boys pj's and probably slammed a door. I threw a cranky overtired temper tantrum. I am not proud of this at all. My effort to be more mindful has backfired into a mess of tears and apologies. I made my girl cry for wanting more of me. Immediately after I did it I apologized and tried to talk it through with her. But it doesn't take it back.
I know it's normal and I know in the long play of life this is a passing vignette that may or may not even be remembered by the kiddos. But I will try to remember this for a long time. I don't claim to even strive to be perfect- I know mistakes get made...but I want to teach my children to be kind and thoughtful and happy and self sufficient and smart and not mess them up too much in the process. I know they will eventually end up emulating me in some way or another and I just hope it is good. So today I need to be mindful of the lessons I teach without meaning to.
I came home to a lovely dinner made by the hub and enjoyed my kiddos a bit before popping on a Netflix so the grownups can watch jeopardy in peace- a normal Tuesday.
Then bedtime came and I just wanted to get it done so I could finish the face warmer mask for the hub. I felt like I failed him a little not getting it done last night so he could use today when he could have really used it. (Turns out he stayed inside today thawing out the walls and more importantly the frozen pipes in them)
Kiddos have been fighting bedtime. The boy gets up a lot and yells for mama, dada, even the dog if it means a few more minutes. It literally takes going in, hugging him tight and telling him to go to sleep and stop yelling and getting up because I'm not coming back in. And I hate saying that. We've had so much loss in a year that I don't ever want to tell him I won't come back. But I am weak and tired and it works so I say it.
And the girl is 4 almost 5 and wants to connect at night since I work all day. She sleeps in (of which I am admittedly jealous) so we don't get much time in the morning. So the after dinner crazy play time then cuddles at bed is about it right now. And tonight after the boy got up again and she went off on yet another tangent to stall me leaving I lost it. I yelled. I stormed out. I quickly changed the boys pj's and probably slammed a door. I threw a cranky overtired temper tantrum. I am not proud of this at all. My effort to be more mindful has backfired into a mess of tears and apologies. I made my girl cry for wanting more of me. Immediately after I did it I apologized and tried to talk it through with her. But it doesn't take it back.
I know it's normal and I know in the long play of life this is a passing vignette that may or may not even be remembered by the kiddos. But I will try to remember this for a long time. I don't claim to even strive to be perfect- I know mistakes get made...but I want to teach my children to be kind and thoughtful and happy and self sufficient and smart and not mess them up too much in the process. I know they will eventually end up emulating me in some way or another and I just hope it is good. So today I need to be mindful of the lessons I teach without meaning to.
Monday, January 6, 2014
So cold
It is currently -7 but feels like -37 here. The hub is planning on going outside for something or other tomorrow and while I could work from home in front of the fire today- 2 days in a row is just not possible.
So my night is going to be long and filled with knitting.
I need to turn this into something useful to protect his handsome face!
So back tomorrow for more substantial posts. Maybe a segue into being a more mindful wife.
So my night is going to be long and filled with knitting.
I need to turn this into something useful to protect his handsome face!
So back tomorrow for more substantial posts. Maybe a segue into being a more mindful wife.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
weighty issues
My last post has me thinking a lot about resolutions and how my word can relate them. I don't know if the traditional list of must Do's for the year are necessary. Because to me mindfulness is a daily striving. Be a more present parent, wife, employee, friend. Stop automatically yelling at the kids for normal kid stuff but think of different tactics to teach and help them grow instead of stifling because its quieter/easier/calmer.
But I am at a minor turning point this year. I say this in all truthfulness not to brag but this is the first year my typical throwaway resolution of lose 10-15 pounds and be healthy is null and void. I did that and more in 2013 (aka the year of crap but highlights of awesome) It was a saving point for me to focus on myself in some ways and move and lose and grow strength I needed to get me through. But now I face a grim reality of the modern age. I have always carried weight. I have rarely looked overweight- even when technically 'obese' but have not been happy with my body for most of my life. Facing infertility does not help this-your body is actively failing you- why bother to treat it nice in return. Then two miracle babies and pregnancies within 2 years along with job moves and stress and suddenly I was back up at the 'bridge' size size i hated being. For full disclosure - since 8th grade I have been a size 8 (good years)to 14 (the really not so good years) on a short short side of average frame. I now work for a plus size retailer and not only embrace but wholly identify with my customer. This isn't about a number but a feeling and there is absolutely no judgement meant on number sizes-which all contributes to the confusion of my internal debate.
This past year I have lost almost 30 pounds. It was long and hard and involved eating right and being aware of it (thanks to a well known paid support service) as well as moving my chunky ass and walk/running on a more regular basis to kick start a metabolism that forgot what work was.
My dilemma is this- I am happy because I am healthy. I feel like a hot lady and a strong capable woman. But my daughter sees this focus on the physical as a natural extension of the weight loss results. At only 4 she is absorbing everything. How do I continue to be proud of being healthy and happy and celebrate my accomplishments (today I fit in a freaking size 2 for the first time in almost 15 years and that is amazing!!!) while at the same time teaching that looks are only as important as you allow them to be. That society has told us things for years that just aren't true. That mommy is happy because I am healthy and feel pretty but feeling pretty being tied to my weight is a lie I was fed and bought into since I was a preteen. That I am trying to be happy that I am strong and healthy and smart instead, but I am conditioned to tie happiness into a size in a pair of jeans and I want so so much more for her. I see her staring at a mirror. I hear her ask if she is pretty. My answer tries always to focus on the inner beauty of her kind heart and smart brain, but the world it does invade so- especially deviously and subtly through the most influential of all...mama.
Friday, January 3, 2014
New words
I have been inspired tonight. My support system is amazing and the latest has me inspired to write again. I have heard of this picking a word for the year (likely the last person to hear this but that wouldn't be the first time) I have been inspired by this.
I have been thinking about resolutions as you do this time of year. Only magnify that by 1000 as I stare down the first Christmas, first New Year, and now looming first anniversaries of the dual deaths that rocked our year. The added pressure of holding a broken family together along with raising your willful children and attempting to foster a thought to yourself is completely overwhelming. So my resolutions have felt as disjointed as I have felt this past year. I know I want an anchor, a grounding point against the storms that have raged against us but I can't put it I a to - do list for the year.
Thankfully I don't have to- inspired directly by Kym and indirectly by many I now have a word to direct my year. The feeling was there- hovering like a soft gentle whisper all along. Now I have my word, my focus for the year, my direction.
Mindfulness. All I have been shown and all I have lived have taught me I need to focus on the Now and do the best I can with it. As I mull this over and roll it around in my life I hope it brings new life and direction. As well as s one much needed peace.
I have been thinking about resolutions as you do this time of year. Only magnify that by 1000 as I stare down the first Christmas, first New Year, and now looming first anniversaries of the dual deaths that rocked our year. The added pressure of holding a broken family together along with raising your willful children and attempting to foster a thought to yourself is completely overwhelming. So my resolutions have felt as disjointed as I have felt this past year. I know I want an anchor, a grounding point against the storms that have raged against us but I can't put it I a to - do list for the year.
Thankfully I don't have to- inspired directly by Kym and indirectly by many I now have a word to direct my year. The feeling was there- hovering like a soft gentle whisper all along. Now I have my word, my focus for the year, my direction.
Mindfulness. All I have been shown and all I have lived have taught me I need to focus on the Now and do the best I can with it. As I mull this over and roll it around in my life I hope it brings new life and direction. As well as s one much needed peace.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
resolving
I have recently been prompted to write again. Which I miss. So here I am. I am not sure if I will stay in this space or not. I need to find my voice again and while I loved this little home I don't know if it still fits. I don't think I'm a mommy blogger I don't think I have a niche- not that I need one- but this was my IF space. So much has happened since I started this. I feel like I may need a new start.
A new resolve. A new year. A new oasis. Tomorrow I begin.
A new resolve. A new year. A new oasis. Tomorrow I begin.
Monday, February 18, 2013
shellshocked
i couldn't even tell you the last time i was here- i think it was about 2 months ago but i would have to look back. it feels like 2 lifetimes. so much has happened that i can't begin to fully process or wrap my own head around- much less write about. but i am here- or attempting to be. i am sure this will ramble and be mainly incoherent but i need to start somewhere.
i have been thinking so much lately about loss in life. my little world has been rocked by 3 horrific and tragic losses this year and i am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of the first. march 3rd my best friend lost her beautiful daughter born too early and lived far too quickly. she has started a campaign to spread random acts of kindness from now til then in Izzy's honor. my first few were this weekend and it is helping me far more than i realized. she has taught me more about pain and love and strength than i ever thought possible. i am a highly empathetic person- which is a curse as often as a blessing.
july will be a hard hard month. it will start with the 1 year anniversary of our own dear nancy. i miss her and her funny blunt snark oh so much. my only consolation is that she is an ally up there i can enlist to kick some ass for me. because july also holds a special birthday of someone no longer here.
because my world was rocked on january 15th. my brother-in-law- the hubs only and beloved brother (that he has watched over and cared for since he was 5 years old) took his life. we got the call around 9:30 and the entire week is lost to me in a blur of shock, anger, sadness and horrible visions that i would not wish upon a mortal enemy- much less my sweet self sufficient hub (& i). a quick memorial, a broken mother, a father too ill to even fly up for his sons death. a family both torn to shreds through grief, disbelief and anger and brought together in memories and shared pain. we never found a note, but there are certain clues. emails to a girl- who we would like to blame (and in all honesty do blame- but for being not worth it, careless with a broken soul, and neglectful- knowing she knew he threatened this- to no one but her- and while she told him she would call the police she never did- and he died knowing she said she cared but didn't)
we blame ourselves as well. we just saw him 3 days before. he seemed fine. he was always quiet- always reserved. he didn't let us know or see there was any problem. one of the last things i ever said to him was 'keep it down- you'll wake the kids' as he and the hub laughed over a ridiculous reality show. the last things...'lock the door- i'm going to bed', 'i'll be ok mom', 'where's my pumpkin?'. attempting to explain to my sweet Pumpkin that her beloved uncle is gone forever. knowing that my little bear will never ever know him. he is sitting on a dresser in a box- instead of hanging out on our couch or getting the help we wish we knew he needed.
there is a new question- a new wound every few days. we are getting better at getting back to normal- we will have more 'good' days between the bad now- but then Pumpkin finds his hat and tells me- mommy, uncle d forgot his hat here- he needs to come and get it!
and then it starts up all over again...
and in the midst of all this we have to navigate a relocation. to another part of the country with a lot of uncertainty and hard work to get it all together. so many moving pieces that need to be coordinated. and while feeling like you are already balancing on a precipice... moving an entire family for a job, a career that i love. but moving further from family. family that is going to grow as my own sister is expecting- but very risky...she is already high risk and carefully monitored. knowing that she and the baby are always in danger of restricted growth, extreme weight loss, depression. hoping for the best all around and being there for her as much as possible since i don't live close enough to really help, but want to (now more than ever) always just be a phone call away. i just returned with the kiddos from a trip to see her. it was good, exhausting, and i hope it helped her. it is a dichotomy to see someone struggle with wanting the very thing i yearned for that was gotten so very easily. i understand completely the reasons she is reserved and hesitant to embrace this- passing on her illness, being able to function as a mother and woman after birth when doctors order her not to get up in the night is a very strange and difficult thing to wrap your head around. it is hard to connect with a being that makes you so much more physically ill than even 8 years of illness can make you. i get it all- but being on the complete other side i want to shout that it is the hardest thing and the most amazing thing all at the same time. and still hope that as my baby sister she is ok.
and seeing my folks...that is a whole 'nother post- they could use help- but i am completely tapped. i want them to be ok too, but i can not take on one more thing. i am moving my family, bringing the in-laws with us as soon as we know how fil's health is (6 months for transplant if you could say a prayer/make a wish/think good thoughts) trying to excel at a job that is very busy and challenging and only going to get more so as everyone else who is not moving demotivates and new people come aboard. and i want to be the senior person in the department, but i have to force drive and motivation lately. at a time when i need to shine...moving, fixing and selling a house, finding and buying a house, coordinating a multi-state move, settling in during the busy period at work with a brand new staff, both kiddos have birthdays coming up & i really want pumpkin to get some special memories with her little friends before we go. i want to see friends and cram my 'right' coast memories in while i can. i want little bear to see the ocean for the first time before we go.
it is a lot. overwhelming. exhilerating. exhausting. maddening. draining. exciting and depressing. it is life, but it is hitting all at once. we will come through, but i hope it is with relatively few scars...although scars add character- right nancy?
i have been thinking so much lately about loss in life. my little world has been rocked by 3 horrific and tragic losses this year and i am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of the first. march 3rd my best friend lost her beautiful daughter born too early and lived far too quickly. she has started a campaign to spread random acts of kindness from now til then in Izzy's honor. my first few were this weekend and it is helping me far more than i realized. she has taught me more about pain and love and strength than i ever thought possible. i am a highly empathetic person- which is a curse as often as a blessing.
july will be a hard hard month. it will start with the 1 year anniversary of our own dear nancy. i miss her and her funny blunt snark oh so much. my only consolation is that she is an ally up there i can enlist to kick some ass for me. because july also holds a special birthday of someone no longer here.
because my world was rocked on january 15th. my brother-in-law- the hubs only and beloved brother (that he has watched over and cared for since he was 5 years old) took his life. we got the call around 9:30 and the entire week is lost to me in a blur of shock, anger, sadness and horrible visions that i would not wish upon a mortal enemy- much less my sweet self sufficient hub (& i). a quick memorial, a broken mother, a father too ill to even fly up for his sons death. a family both torn to shreds through grief, disbelief and anger and brought together in memories and shared pain. we never found a note, but there are certain clues. emails to a girl- who we would like to blame (and in all honesty do blame- but for being not worth it, careless with a broken soul, and neglectful- knowing she knew he threatened this- to no one but her- and while she told him she would call the police she never did- and he died knowing she said she cared but didn't)
we blame ourselves as well. we just saw him 3 days before. he seemed fine. he was always quiet- always reserved. he didn't let us know or see there was any problem. one of the last things i ever said to him was 'keep it down- you'll wake the kids' as he and the hub laughed over a ridiculous reality show. the last things...'lock the door- i'm going to bed', 'i'll be ok mom', 'where's my pumpkin?'. attempting to explain to my sweet Pumpkin that her beloved uncle is gone forever. knowing that my little bear will never ever know him. he is sitting on a dresser in a box- instead of hanging out on our couch or getting the help we wish we knew he needed.
there is a new question- a new wound every few days. we are getting better at getting back to normal- we will have more 'good' days between the bad now- but then Pumpkin finds his hat and tells me- mommy, uncle d forgot his hat here- he needs to come and get it!
and then it starts up all over again...
and in the midst of all this we have to navigate a relocation. to another part of the country with a lot of uncertainty and hard work to get it all together. so many moving pieces that need to be coordinated. and while feeling like you are already balancing on a precipice... moving an entire family for a job, a career that i love. but moving further from family. family that is going to grow as my own sister is expecting- but very risky...she is already high risk and carefully monitored. knowing that she and the baby are always in danger of restricted growth, extreme weight loss, depression. hoping for the best all around and being there for her as much as possible since i don't live close enough to really help, but want to (now more than ever) always just be a phone call away. i just returned with the kiddos from a trip to see her. it was good, exhausting, and i hope it helped her. it is a dichotomy to see someone struggle with wanting the very thing i yearned for that was gotten so very easily. i understand completely the reasons she is reserved and hesitant to embrace this- passing on her illness, being able to function as a mother and woman after birth when doctors order her not to get up in the night is a very strange and difficult thing to wrap your head around. it is hard to connect with a being that makes you so much more physically ill than even 8 years of illness can make you. i get it all- but being on the complete other side i want to shout that it is the hardest thing and the most amazing thing all at the same time. and still hope that as my baby sister she is ok.
and seeing my folks...that is a whole 'nother post- they could use help- but i am completely tapped. i want them to be ok too, but i can not take on one more thing. i am moving my family, bringing the in-laws with us as soon as we know how fil's health is (6 months for transplant if you could say a prayer/make a wish/think good thoughts) trying to excel at a job that is very busy and challenging and only going to get more so as everyone else who is not moving demotivates and new people come aboard. and i want to be the senior person in the department, but i have to force drive and motivation lately. at a time when i need to shine...moving, fixing and selling a house, finding and buying a house, coordinating a multi-state move, settling in during the busy period at work with a brand new staff, both kiddos have birthdays coming up & i really want pumpkin to get some special memories with her little friends before we go. i want to see friends and cram my 'right' coast memories in while i can. i want little bear to see the ocean for the first time before we go.
it is a lot. overwhelming. exhilerating. exhausting. maddening. draining. exciting and depressing. it is life, but it is hitting all at once. we will come through, but i hope it is with relatively few scars...although scars add character- right nancy?
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
ch ch ch changes
as is the now usual theme of this lonely little corner of the interwebs i have been mia for a while. life it does march on so...
while my head and heart are reeling and attempting to process this past weeks events (each new face on the news looks like my boy or girl grown by only the shortest of years) and the holidays are coming and life has a way of marching on- or occasionally trampling.
we had a very expensive month last month with a very long rented car ride to visit sick family. the visit was great and the car rides surprisingly handle-able... but not something i am aching to repeat. then coming home to find a neighbors utter carelessness had caused damage to our car- not taken on said car trip so we could make sure it was ok- and thankfully neighbor pays for damage. but lo and behold our only vehicle is now in need of additional repair that the hub just does not have the resources to do in our driveway, on his back, in the cold. so $2k later we have a brand new-ish car and a whole lot of debt to pay off.
now we are slammed with a decision we knew was a possibility but not yet. it is too soon for this and we are not ready. we need to decide if we stay here and continue to struggle (now me, the breadwinner without a job and looking- or not...) or do we try to pick up and move (with decent assistance, but still a scary housing market) and plop ourselves in the middle of this great land with all associated culture shock for us- but great opportunity for career and family...
it's pretty much a no-brainer, but still hard. still a lot of stress and a lot of soul searching and potential heartache. i will leave my coast. i love my coast. i love being of this coast- the attitude, the resilience, the toughness and resourcefulness. the culture and the feeling. the mountains and the ocean- all within a few hours of my door. but my children could grow with kindness and opportunity. we can have more, be more, and live more in some ways. i will be farther from those i know and love- and right now that is hard to think of, but i do know that the hub and i will carve out our space anywhere. i will make friends and companions anywhere and so will the kiddos. they could go to great schools. 10 out of 10 schools. here we will struggle to supplement our local failing public system. we need to do this.
but i am scared. i am scared of failing, of making the wrong move and getting stuck. of not selling our house here. there are certain safeguards and i have faith we will be ok- but it is still scary.
but the kiddos are so good. pumpkin is astounding. so creative, so dramatic. she tells stories and performs. she is rich with imagination and while challenging she is the perfect 3 year old. without any of the shyness or reticence i expected. even without being in a structured school environment she is so smart. so quick to learn. and with a memory i know i will be in awe of., and need to be careful for.
and 2.0...my sweet bruiser. he is so physical- putting things together and taking them apart. wrestling, climbing, exploring the world with strong baby arms. but so sweet. the first thing he says when pumpkin and i get him in the morning is her name. and the last thing he does at night is give everyone a big sloppy kiss. he still doesn't say much, but this week he learned what eyes, ears and noses are. i absolutely love this age and want to bottle them both up.
i have very specific thoughts brought on by the recent tragedies- ones i have not yet fully thought through myself, but the prevailing thought is that there are 20 families waking up with presents to be unopened. little tiny bodies that should be hugged and cuddled and should be telling them crazy princess alligator stories and they never will again.
there are 6 heroines who threw themselves in harms way. so many are around my age, or my mothers age (she works in a school with youngins herself- and i know she would be one of the first to try and save those babies or throw herself in front of harms way too) it all hits close. i can not imagine the devastation felt by all these families. i can feel the barest sliver because of an acutely empathetic nature- but i pray i will never know how these families feel. i do know my heart is bleeding for them. and i can only hope they and their angels get some peace in the coming year.
Friday, October 26, 2012
crazy messed up world
It has been almost 3 months since I posted. 3 months of mundane every day crazy. Of toddlers and preschoolers and trying to be supermom & superwife while still be supercareer girl all at the same time. Mainly managing to be decent at all three. I think there is a real post brewing away once I seem to get some time to think it out.
What has me stuck right now is an overwhelming fear and sadness bought on by this week and months events. Colorado. New Jersey. Pennsylvania. New York. 5 babies lost. 4 sets of devastated parents. 4 times we are reminded there is evil all around us and danger in the most trusted places. Innocent lives barely begun and lost for no reason.
This is a year of tragedy. My friend's daughter. my Nancy. Potentially my father in law. 5 sweet babies and countless more not in the news. It is enough to make you want to hide your head in the sand. Ti take those you love and try to hide them away as far from humanity (or the lack thereof) as you can. We live in a city where I have heard sirens multiple times each night these last 2 weeks. It makes me think the worlds gone mad. And I just want to step off and find a newer calmer more safe and peaceful one. I want the fairy tale world where sweet princesses wake up to happily ever after and young men are kind and gallant protectors.
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