thanks and more thanks

yesterday was a beautiful perfect day- after a rocky start...

the hub woke up grumpy & when one thing goes wrong in that mood- everything starts to go wrong. he has some anger issues in that he can't communicate well when angry & either needs to be left alone completely to scream & yell at whatever inanimate object is on his bad side, or he needs to get snapped out of it before it gets to that point. unfortunately- when we are rushing around trying to get to my aunt's for noon which means leaving the house by 11, snapping him out of it means starting a fight... so i walked away & continued to get myself ready. he kept up the yelling at inanimate objects thing for a while- at one point i thought he was actually hurt as i could hear him 2 floors up! nope- just a cranky bastard! thankfully- he pulled himself together, finally apologized to me, and we were off with friend in tow. an hour later than i wanted to be...


but my aunt's house at thanksgiving is one of those magical places that has actually retained the rosy glowed hue from childhood. it's changed as the cast of characters has all grown up & new ones have joined, our elders have all left. but the warmth & love hits you as soon as you walk in the door. my parents & sister were there. my cousin (who might as well be a sister) came with her family. all the cousins were there- including some from wisconsin- flying in to spend the weekend. there were two cute little dogs and lots of wonderful food. we had 23 at the table and even though my friend had never met half the people there- i ended up losing track of her at one point as she was enveloped by my family. new traditions that were started in previous years were kept up- playing rock band after dinner instead of watching football. just so you know i am an ace lead guitar player! and the hub ~stinks~ at the drums. despite the fact that he plays them for real! but he never picked up the video game concept of it.


my goddaughter was there- she is now 14 & so grown up it's scary. i don't get to see her & her little brother enough so they are always so different every time i do. her little brother is now 4 & the hub was in heaven playing with him. he got to use his patented 'wet willy' technique that he is perfecting to use on caiden. only once she can understand what it is of course. which is pretty evil of a dad to plan years in advance! but he was having a blast- i know he will be a great dad, but it's nice to see little reassurances in his interactions with kids.


there was a ton of fantastic wine & great microbrewed beer. i looked on with big sad puppy eyes & a few sniffs here & there to smell what i was missing. not that wine or beer ever really smelled good before- but it sure does now! i am debating what my 'special occasion' small glass will be now. the entire family wouldn't let me have a sip anyway- so that knocked thanksgiving out. the hub is ever vigilant about even a sip of caffeine or soda, so no christmas since it's just us for that holiday. maybe new years or our anniversary. i'll be 27-28 weeks. officially into the third trimester at that point. (or just about in) i think i'll be good then...


even if i skip it this entire pregnancy, i'm fine with that. i really don't miss drinking all that much (do i sound like a lush or what?!) sure- i liked my wine a lot when ttc & i hit the red end of a cycle. i do enjoy really good beers- we are close enough to a six pack store where you can make your own variety six pack out of any of their loose microbrews that my beer snobbery has increased tenfold. in fact- that's what i want to celebrate our daughter's birth. no champagne for me- i want a good dark belgian beer. and if i wait until after giving birth to have it- i am okay with that. i don't think it's bad to have one drink your entire pregnancy. celebrations happen, occasions get marked, a beverage gets raised in toast. but every chance i get i hold back. i don't know why- i just keep thinking- well, i don't need it for this particular occasion. i can wait for the next one. maybe it's my small sliver of if coming out. i still don't want to jinx this.


i keep thinking that someday soon this will all truly seem real. all during the day yesterday i got the pregnant girl treatment. it was my first dose of really intense, hours of attention & focus, belly rubbing & baby talk that i have had yet. of course- it's far more comfortable for me because it's all family. and i have to admit- i really fucking loved it! but it still felt surreal. like i was an actor in a play, not really the pregnant woman getting fawned over. my cousin was holding my belly & swears she felt caiden moving. i say she was way too high & it was just food in intestines. (mmmm- yummy!) so my sister took a nose dive towards us & elbowed the cousin out of the way so she could feel. i still say that 22 weeks is way to early to feel any outside movement, but it of course sparked my sister & my mom to have to hold the belly for a good ten minutes each to see if they could feel something too! and all the time i was thinking that i barely feel her consistently. and even though it makes me smile in wonder each time i do- it still doesn't quite feel real. i talk to her, i have her room started, i tell her all my plans & hopes & dreams for her. her daddy kisses her good morning through my belly. and it still doesn't feel real.


i have brief intense moments when it finally hits me. i am usually in that weird place between awake & asleep & i suddenly lose my breath completely as i truly realize that we are going to be parents. that i have our child in my belly. that in 4 short months we will be a very tired & very happy family. that despite how much we have left to do in this house & our life- we are having a daughter. the realization is so strong that i literally am left gasping for air. and then it goes again & my life continues as before. in this strange dream-state of knowing i am indeed pregnant. i am indeed feeling a new life inside me, but it's still not quite real. as real as i want it to be anyway. and that might be a very good thing if realization is still that strong & powerful for me to experience.




anyway- it's actually been a very productive week off. i got my inordinately expensive paint for the nursery. i overbought by a lot when estimating how much i would need for stripes on one wall. i should have done the color samples, but got full pints instead. idiot! so i will have tons of leftover paint. if anyone wants any- let me know. it's low voc too. i got the no-voc paint for the main color, but it didn't come in pints so i had to make do. (although it meets the requirements for a leed certified project for the paint credit- so that works for me!) my sister & brother-in-law came over on wednesday & were my fantastic work crew. i still have to do second (& some third!) coats on the walls as this is only the second coat of paint to ever go on them- there was 1930's wallcovering under the 1960's fake wood paneling we tore down & our house is from the 30's...


but here are some progress shots for you. now- my sister said she was reserving judgment until the room was all complete. but keep in mind that the crazy wall does get the changing table & two shelves on it. there will be artwork & photos on the walls & a rug is to be installed in the next couple of weeks, as well as trim & then crown moulding. so it will look less circus like...

the beginning of the day

the end of the day:

the black shelf on the wall will have a mate & both be painted white. when the tape comes off it will be white stripes between the colors. it also looks much darker in the photo. but it is a very different take on a nursery. i get that. i am a designer though & my house has been my drawing board. i wanted something modern, funky & bright. the bedding i chose is predominately white with little dots of color... here if you are interested. i think with all the white accents i want to put in- the bright colors will be welcome. and if we (or she) grows to hate it- it's only paint! easy to fix!

it's official- i am gone

vacation has officially started! i'm not doing anything except working on the house & specifically the nursery if i can. the hub is being difficult about what i am 'allowed' to do. before anyone gets the wrong idea- it's not a pregnant lady can't lift anything thing.. it's a my designer wife actually sucks at putting paint on the walls thing. it's true- i admit it. i can pick the colors that go on the wall like nobody's business, but when it comes time to roll up my sleeves and actually put paint to wall i don't do well at all. i am great with fine details & artistic endeavors. i can trim out a room without needing tape. but a roller in my hands is lethal. and the hub refuses to redo what i have already done again. so he will paint the room & i will paint the stripes on the long wall. and then i have a lot of little things to get & figure out. little decorations & touches. but there is of course plenty of time for that.

we've been picking up little things here & there in the 2 weeks since we found out that she's a she. tonight we got a sweet little jacket since it will be april in the northeast (well- north mid-atlantic region at least) it's not unheard of to be freezing or even snowing that time of year. i am getting more excited the more i let myself look & even *gasp* buy!!! things for her. i want to enjoy this pregnancy as if it's my only one- since who knows if it will be or not. i want to be content that i did everything i wanted & savored every moment, even the gross & unpleasant ones. not that it makes them any less gross or unpleasant, but i can tolerate them just fine knowing that a: i am damn lucky to have it in the first place, & b: i may miss it when i can't get pregnant after this (just keeping it in my head) like tonight- while shopping for work clothes for the hub & picking out said cute little jacket- i sneezed. but i also had to pee. so i did a little. standing in the aisle. not gushing out my pants leg pee, but a little trickle i have never really experienced before. even with having a bum kidney & a stent in, i never peed myself... fun. but i'll take it i guess. i know it's just the first of many icky situations i am in store for.

oh- big huge news- we have a name!!! we decided 2 weeks ago, but i've been savoring it & getting used to the fact that not only will i have a daughter, but she has a name. i'll share, but with a warning that while there are a million names i don't like- i never mention it to anyone, except maybe the hub, if i don't like a friend's choice in names. it's just not polite. so, please be polite & just glaze over this part if you don't care for it................................................ caiden lily.

the hub will of course be calling her iron caiden like the metal head he is.

new pic- now with clothes!

since nancy asked about not seeing my face still- i took a quick crappy cell phone pic that actually includes the face! still not the greatest pic- but you can pretty much see the bump & the face in one shot as the world sees them!

It was a surprisingly good hair day yesterday too...

wow. that was quick

no sooner had i put my general anxiousness out into the universe than the hub started at his new job. he went in on saturday for a test day to work on a problem car they had, fixed it good as new & they retained him to start full time today! it's a small extremely local shop that has a great atmosphere & pays a salary. and this salary is only $150 a month off from what we need to cover our budget for spring roll when she goes to daycare. and he has at least 6 months to work there & get his certifications & hopefully get a raise. which is all completely feasible.

oh- and we can take my car off the road for the next 6 months because he is maybe a mile away from the new job & can ride his bike even in the coldest weather or he will take a bus. or i can drop him off on my way to work if necessary & he can work on all the little (and not so little!) things my car needs over the winter at his new shop & we can save the extra $$$ we were putting into insuring 2 cars. so some debt can actually get paid off. we have been a 1 car household before & it is really not that hard to adjust to!

holy crap- you guys work fast! i just need him to stay there & make good impressions & get a raise in a few months. it doesn't need to be a big raise, but $100 a week would really put us over into able to sleep really well at night! (once we have daycare to cover that is). or if we bust our asses we can get at least one thing cleared off our finanical plate by april. which could be that $150 a month. which would be even better!

we actually went out to breakfast yesterday to celebrate, and some fun sexy time was attempted (but that's a whole 'nother post in itself)



i will leave you with a very happy 20 week belly pic where i am officially up 3.5 pounds in this pregnancy (finally!) - please forgive the horribly messy dresser...:

halfway & all the way

today marks 20 weeks. wow. words i didn't expect to type. halfway to meeting my child. halfway to what has been the focus of much of my existence for 2 years now.


ironically enough, this week marks the time 2 years ago when the hub looked at me one night as we were getting busy (aren't i romantic!) and let me know he was also ready to start trying. 2 years ago we were so young & stupid. so full of hope. so scared out of our minds because we just knew that a kid was right around the corner- if not this month then definitely next month.


thanksgiving has become a strange time for us with ttc. that first one we only talked baby on the long 6 hour drive to the in-laws. we picked out names. we decided on our boys name, which we still love all this time later. we talked about how we wanted to parent, who the baby would look like. all the wonderful dreamy fantasy of having a child.


the next thanksgiving was bitter. we were in a year, but it had been a very hard year. the hub's shop was struggling. we were struggling. ttc was wearing us out, but i still had some hope. we hadn't been tested yet even. that hope was tempered with a hell of a lot of fear though. life was hard. our marriage was getting stressed & all i could see was having to pay for treatment after treatment & hoping we could scrape by. or having to put the whole thing off until we stabilized again.


this thanksgiving i am coming to the table blessed & grateful & humble. i am a mom. after being told we were perfectly fine. trying for more months, then putting all we had to give into one hail mary cycle, my angel came to me. i don't know why, i don't know why we are so lucky when there are so many who are just as deserving. wanting. needing. but i am thankful every day. every time i feel a flutter. every time my head was in the toilet. every time i got to look at that screen or hear that heartbeat i say thank you. my heart is full. my hub & i were strong enough to make it through some seriously shitty times to get here, in our financial, emotional & marital lives. i have lost a good friend only to finally get her back after some painful growth that i needed. i have gained amazingly wonderfully fantastic new friends in the process. i have a rock i can lean on. i have learned strength i never thought i had & gained empathy & wisdom i honestly never knew existed. i have a love so fierce i would die to protect it. and i haven't even met her yet. i always loved thanksgiving, but this one- this one is special in ways i can hardly imagine, much less describe.



now i divert from my lovefest with a confession. i am terrified. no one could have foreseen the crappy economy. but for those of us just struggling to get out from under a year & a half's worth of hard personal economic times, this economy is disastrous. we are lucky in that we didn't buy too much house or overextend ourselves with loans & mortgages. but we have some debt. debt i was in line to pay off, even if it was going a little slowly. now the hub is struggling to get into a career. the shop is done, but he still wants to have a job in the field he loves. he is really good at it too, but he isn't certified. he didn't go to any school. everything he has has been through hard work. unfortunately that doesn't always cut it on a resume. and now he has an opportunity to at least get into something. and we are in a position where he needs to get it. and stay there for a while. but then make a lot more so we can have a hope of affording day care. i can not get anything else out of my job for the moment. there is no raise for me this year. there may not be one next year. i have had to stop my retirement contributions temporarily to give myself a much needed raise, which is now diverted from it's original purpose of paying off debt to pretty much back to supporting us on my salary which is damn near impossible. and then there's insurance. we are already budgeted to within an inch of our sanity. we need the hub to get this job & do well & get a raise. and i know how life goes so i am terrified that it won't. and what started out as a hopeful & wonderful journey is becoming a worry filled stress filled gestation. i am halfway done. i only have 20 weeks to get this all together. what was once plenty of money for us & then some quickly became how do we afford this now? (not to mention the strain that financial stress puts on one's relationship. especially when the hub portion of said relationship reacts to stress by completely shutting down in all areas sexual... fun for me! i can't even remember sex. my latest confession- 11 weeks. at least. it's okay to cry- i do)


i wish i had a boat, or fancy car, or extravagant house, or even a fucking wonderful spa holiday vacation to blame this on. but i don't. we made some mistakes and took some risks with the hub's shop. it failed. he has had a very hard time picking his life back up since, but always managed to at least have a decent job, to pay the bills & we could afford a night out together now & then. we were almost back to actually saving money again. and then the economy tanked & his temporary job became one of those superfluous luxuries that companies just don't need these days. and now here we are. terrified. statistics. paycheck to paycheck middle class like so much of the country. not rich enough to get out of this mess. not poor enough to qualify for any sort of assistance (which is a whole 'nother topic i am purposefully leaving out of this one).



how can i be a good mom if i can't afford to formula feed (if i have to), put her in daycare (because i have to), or even take some more time off to spend her first few months with her or have her dad be the SAHD he's been thinking he might want to be (there's no chance of this now). i will not be able to afford to get her stroller unless someone else gets it for me. and that makes me feel like i have failed. failed in the one thing i have wanted to do for so very long. life changes so quickly- in the blink of an eye we had our dreams fulfilled. in the blink of an eye the rug is pulled out from under us.



and yet. i wouldn't turn back the clock. my past experiences have taught me, well- they've taught me. i become a different person every time some hardship falls my way. i know that the important things in life aren't going anywhere. i know that no matter what the hub & i are a great & devoted team. we can do amazing things together. and no matter how hard things seem, we get through them. usually even better than i would have imagined when they are new & terrifying. and we will figure it all out. crai.gslist is there for a reason & believe me, i'm cheap to begin with! (as some may already know) i also have a bit of the hippy in me- i'm a 'green' designer after all. i would rather reuse something, or repurpose something, than buy it new anyway. except for shoes & underwear- they must be new!



despite everything, i wouldn't change a thing. i had (& still have) it easy.i have the hub & the spring roll. i still have a job that i actually enjoy pretty much every day. a roof over our heads & we can still pay our bills, even if some are getting squeaked in. i have a car that i can afford to put gas in & no car payment to worry about. my family & friends love me & i am grateful for each & every one of these things. but if you don't mind, will you say a little prayer, or think a few good thoughts for the hub & his possible new job? we could always use some good karma.

freaky skeleton monkey baby

as promised- pictures! she absolutely refused to turn profile, definitely a little diva already! And the full on face shots really do look a little freaky. we didn't get the gender shot because we had to ask the tech when she was practically done to even check for it. oh well- i am positive in what i saw!

so here's my little monkey... er- girl!

looking with the top of the head to the left- relatively normal & cute. see the little fingers peeking out to the right?:

here's the little right (?) foot- heel to the left, toes to the right:

here's the one i think illustrates that we are in fact having a skeleton monkey baby. (i kid- she's perfect, but this shot is totally freaky!):

19 week details

sorry about the delay- work & home have both been kicking my ass a little lately. the u/s was great- 40 minutes of staring at every part & piece of our little girl. the tech went through all the measurements first- the kidneys look perfectly fine which is a big relief. since i don't know when i started to show signs/symptoms of my defect it is something we will always have to be on the lookout for, but if it is there since birth it would have been diagnosed yesterday.
the tech was awesome- telling us every single thing we were looking at, the arm bones, the little hands & fingers, the adorable little feet! then she told me i could go pee & the doc would look at the results & come in to talk with us. i asked about finding out the gender, she hadn't even looked. luckily she found it right away with those 3 telltale lines. the hub's very first comment was 'any chance of a mistake?'. which he of course meant to ask about the accuracy of the ultrasound process, not imply that a daughter was not as welcome as a son. but we had both been thinking we were having a little boy since pretty much the first pee stick, so it's a bit of an adjustment for both of us. he's excited, i am thrilled, but i think he will be even more excited when she's here.

we got our carpet for her room yesterday, but we need to finish painting the trim before we install it, so that will be this weekends job. that & of course doing some hardcore browsing & perhaps a little purchasing for little girl items. i've been waiting & looking & dreaming. oddly enough i mainly looked at little boy clothes, i was starting to get discouraged about the lack of cool baby boy clothes though. so i guess she has saved me from having to hunt them down!

she weighs 9 ounces. she's a little porker! she didn't look too chubby, but since fat is just starting to deposit this week i guess she wouldn't be. i think she is going to be a little beanpole personally. the hub was a skinny little baby, but i was a butterball. i think she'll fall in the middle & be a little stretched out, but still have just enough baby chub. and she better have his curly hair! i have been keeping a dream of our daughter in my head for years & she always has big dark eyes & wild curly hair like her daddy's when it's long. but my nose- the poor girl shouldn't get stuck with his (albeit very striking & handsome on him) 'character-building' schnozz!

i still have to scan the pics- she refused to turn profile & only wanted to look right at us, but they are freaky! i will leave you with an almost 19 week picture of the now officially out there bump. and this is in one of my 'hiding it' shirts! if you ask me i still look pretty much fat... the hub is really not great at this whole picture taking thing.

historical

in a little less than two hours i should hopefully be able to tell my son or daughter that we found out their sex on the morning of the most historic presidential decision in history. decided by a landslide. i am happy this morning!

will be back of course with the news once i have it!

update: well knock me over with a feather! it's a ...............................girl!!!! i was so thinking boy that it took a full 30 seconds to sink in. the hub of course asked for the percentage of false guesses! but he is warming up to it now. i will have full details & photos later- my sis is up for a visit & work is kicking my ass, so i am off to finally relax & enjoy thinking about my daughter!