i was feeling pretty confident this morning as i left for my hsg. when i got there there was a little screw up in that apparently the re's office never sent me my paperwork i needed, but since they're in the hospital they just called over & no problem. i went back & changed into my lovely gown- naked from the waist down again of course, & admires how nicely the blue gown went with my killer black patent stiletto boots. i sat down to wait & the woman from yesterday was there too. she struck up a conversation with me about prenatals because hers make her ill, then we kept chatting about the hss yesterday, our hubbies & just general testing/if bonding. it was rather nice to talk to someone face to face who obviously knows why i was there & could relate in person. there was another woman waiting, older- probably mid 50's, who turned to d. (the other hsg testee) & asked her how far along she was. she had obviously mistaken our part of the conversation about poking & prodding & how we should just get used to it as we'll be poked & prodded for 9 months after this. i felt so bad for d., but she just said "how far along am i in trying to get pregnant?" which was the perfect response. the woman got an 'a-ha' look & said oh!- you're trying! she wasn't being mean, but i did feel the teeniest of heart stabs...
then they called d. back- i followed in 5 minutes or so. walked into the room to see my re- dr. happy (not the final nickname- i'm still a little stumped!) he greeted me with a very warm & genuine 'jenn-e-fur' (imagine a little bit of an accent, somewhat french, even though he does not speak with any accent at all). we've bonded since we are both hungarian. there was no waiting around- i hopped up on the stirrup less table (!) and it began. at first i thought not too bad- definitely worse than the hss, but bearable since i knew it would be fairly quick. then the dye started, then i felt something really weird & heard "uh-oh" as the catherter literally popped out. insert speculum again & try to get catheter back in. ouch. not working. fumble around a few more minutes. this really sucks. get smaller flexible catheter. poke & prod (literally) for at least 2 minutes that feel like a half hour. oh. my. god. make. it. stop. finally get catheter in & begin dye. at least that's a different kind of uncomfortable pain. look as pretty black stuff goes nicely through the lefty & spills out perfectly! yay! righty was a little slower, but spilled just fine too. double yay!!!
dr. happy was very nice, very apologetic, & i could tell he was being as gentle & quick as he could with the circumstances. he asked me not to hold it against him & he hoped we were still on speaking terms after that. i told him to give me a few days, but i'd get over it! as soon as it was over & everything was out i felt pretty good. a little cramping for maybe 2 minutes after, a lot of icky liquid staining the back of the gown (you know you needed to know that!) that made the walk across the hall & into the women's changing room (packed by the way) oh so fun. but one massive diaper/pad later & back into my clothes & i felt much better. i was back to work & a-okay within a half hour.
it wasn't the worst pain- the exploding kidney will always take that honor, but it was far from pleasant. i certainly don't want to repeat it. ever. oh- and the reason for the catheter difficulty was a little bump on my cervix that apparently wasn't there yesterday for the hss. dr. happy kept asking me if anyone ever said i had a tilted uterus- which of course freaked me the hell out for a good minute, but thankfully i don't. it's most likely just an irritation from yesterday & who can blame my poor girl for acting up. she's certainly been put on the spot these past 2 days. i'm sure she's a little pissed. let's just hope she gets over it in time to let some swimmers in...
*update- i got a phone call this afternoon with the hub's results. all is good with both of us. the quick numbers are (with RE office's 'normals'): volume- 3 (they like to see over 2). count- 165.9 mil (they like to see over 20 mil- go hub!) motility 94% (they like to see over 50%). & morphology- 11% (they ideally say 14%, but the lovely nurse i spoke to said that they really like to see anything over 6-7%). nancy explains morphology to me- so i hope she doesn't mind me linking to her to explain it far better than i ever could!
essentially this all means that as of this moment we are unexplained. we have the post-coital test & possibly the clomid challenge test, but i guess we're in a wait & see kind of pattern right now. i'm thinking a few months of trying on our own & saving up & then it's IUI time...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
i am super tough- part one
this morning saw me getting up bright & early before 5:30 am (eek!) to get ready & out so I could get to the surgical center by 7:15. I was 10 minutes late, but it was no problem. What I wasn't expecting was the $150 co-pay they expected. I tried my flex-spending health account card- but it was denied. the lovely admin woman said that she will have a bill sent so i could figure it out & maybe still use my flex spending. i have to say that i really really like this hospital & 98% of the people that work there. and that encompasses emergency room, the RE, the surgical center, the admin staff, the x-ray department & the billing department. i digress- after a short wait i was called back to prep. blood pressure, here's your hat & gown- i got to keep my boots on though making quite the stylish entrance into the surgical suite. the doc & nurses were all great & joking around with me. i was still a little nervous, but the doc asked a woman in recover to let me know what she thought since she had just had the procedure done herself- i found that both odd & reassuring. odd in that we all know why a woman has an hss & it was a sort of decloaking- "hi- meet your fellow RE patient". but after i was done & she was leaving she wished me luck on my way out- which was rather nice actually.
the procedure itself took all of 3 minutes. it was more time to scoot my bare ass on the rubber sheet & get the boots in the stirrups & then get back out of them afterwards than anything else. normal pap's seemed to take longer. everything looked clear- i even have take-home photos of the inside of my hoo-ha to scar the future kids with. how's that for a baby book entry?! they warmed the speculum & the blanket they draped over me- which were both much appreciated. i really didn't even get any cramps at all- just one very minor one when the water was drained. all in all- a breeze! let's hope the hsg is as easy- i know that's the big one...
oh- and the hub dropped off his sample on time with no problems. i hope we get all our results quickly![ and to answer some of the questions- i wouldn't be telling my manager about the infertility testing or anything like that- just something basic like: " i'm having a series of tests & procedures, nothing life threatening or that will hamper my ability to do my job- i just want to give a head's up that while i will be trying to schedule them for as minimal an impact as possible, i may need some flexibility on time in the office. and i'm not interviewing for any other jobs!" we have a pretty informal relationship & i know she won't press for more info, but i am also hesitant to put it out there at all... i'm probably going to wait & see what the results say before i cross that road.
the procedure itself took all of 3 minutes. it was more time to scoot my bare ass on the rubber sheet & get the boots in the stirrups & then get back out of them afterwards than anything else. normal pap's seemed to take longer. everything looked clear- i even have take-home photos of the inside of my hoo-ha to scar the future kids with. how's that for a baby book entry?! they warmed the speculum & the blanket they draped over me- which were both much appreciated. i really didn't even get any cramps at all- just one very minor one when the water was drained. all in all- a breeze! let's hope the hsg is as easy- i know that's the big one...
oh- and the hub dropped off his sample on time with no problems. i hope we get all our results quickly![ and to answer some of the questions- i wouldn't be telling my manager about the infertility testing or anything like that- just something basic like: " i'm having a series of tests & procedures, nothing life threatening or that will hamper my ability to do my job- i just want to give a head's up that while i will be trying to schedule them for as minimal an impact as possible, i may need some flexibility on time in the office. and i'm not interviewing for any other jobs!" we have a pretty informal relationship & i know she won't press for more info, but i am also hesitant to put it out there at all... i'm probably going to wait & see what the results say before i cross that road.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
nerves of rubber
tomorrow is my hss. it has really snuck up on me! besides being fairly insane at work with a deadline & dealing with the hub's job crazies & trying to figure out how long we'll have to scrape by, i also drove down to see my fols & sis this weekend. it was a nice little visit & i returned my dad's car, but it was a very short & not at all relaxing weekend.
i was supposed to pick up my antibiotics prescription when i got home on sunday- but i was too tired to even remember it. in fact i didn't remember it until about 8pm last night. so i missed my first does, but since it's a precaution (i think) i should be fine. i have to be up by 5 or so tomorrow so i can leave my house by 6:45 to get there by 7:15- a full hour & 15 minutes early!!! why i need to be there so early is beyond me, but if it gets me done & out sooner i'll be happy. i'm already missing work for thursdays hsg (which between you & me is the one i'm more nervous for!) and i will have to stay late (again) to make up for it.
i haven't figured out yet whether or not to have a chat with my manager about this stuff- i'm only going to most likely miss more work & i really don't want her to think i am a slacker or interviewing elsewhere. i'm sure she'd be understanding & she really wouldn't push me to know more than i am willing to tell, but i'm way too tired to get into any conversations about the fact that i am missing work for infertility testing- especially not the manager who has the most adorable 18month old little girl- who was born right when we started trying.
i am rambling. i'm nervous. i never wanted to see this day & i really don't like the idea of anything being shoved up my hoo-ha, especially not while i am awake & have an audience. thank goodness i don't have to pay for these because that would really drive me nuts!
i'll be sure to update tomorrow afterwards, but it probably won't be until later in the afternoon.
i was supposed to pick up my antibiotics prescription when i got home on sunday- but i was too tired to even remember it. in fact i didn't remember it until about 8pm last night. so i missed my first does, but since it's a precaution (i think) i should be fine. i have to be up by 5 or so tomorrow so i can leave my house by 6:45 to get there by 7:15- a full hour & 15 minutes early!!! why i need to be there so early is beyond me, but if it gets me done & out sooner i'll be happy. i'm already missing work for thursdays hsg (which between you & me is the one i'm more nervous for!) and i will have to stay late (again) to make up for it.
i haven't figured out yet whether or not to have a chat with my manager about this stuff- i'm only going to most likely miss more work & i really don't want her to think i am a slacker or interviewing elsewhere. i'm sure she'd be understanding & she really wouldn't push me to know more than i am willing to tell, but i'm way too tired to get into any conversations about the fact that i am missing work for infertility testing- especially not the manager who has the most adorable 18month old little girl- who was born right when we started trying.
i am rambling. i'm nervous. i never wanted to see this day & i really don't like the idea of anything being shoved up my hoo-ha, especially not while i am awake & have an audience. thank goodness i don't have to pay for these because that would really drive me nuts!
i'll be sure to update tomorrow afterwards, but it probably won't be until later in the afternoon.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
truth time
so some very good guesses. Monica, Jen, Kate, Io, Nancy, & Tammy were all half right. Kate- my Japanese is VERY rusty, but your friend teaches in Japan, right? i am shamefully out of practice & i swear i haven't evn looked it up yet- but i will!
as to the rest- here are the results:
1. since the age of 10 i am a blue ribbon cherry pie maker. i have won multiple times at state fairs.
true. i started baking at the age of 4 with my mom & i started entering the state fair at 10. my cherry pie won the blue ribbon 2 years in a row. apple pie was a solid contender, the cookies did well, but ironically enough the artwork i submitted only ever got honorable mentions... go figure!
2. i am a test away from being an official member of mensa. i took the practice exam & passed with flying colors, but when it came to finding an actual test site & going to get it, i got lazy.
true. at last try my iq was in the high 150's, but i never seemed to get around to taking an officially sanctioned test & joining mensa, although i do walk around telling the hub i am a fucking genius!
3. the hub & i are the result of a one night stand gone good.
false. we were high school sweethearts & first dated when i was only 14 years old. it was very brief- but we've basically been together since i was 16. but still too young for one night stands!
4. i won an award in college for being the top language student in japanese & my professor offered to get me into a program to go to japan & teach english.
true. while i have lost an obscene amount of my proficiency in the 5 years since college- i was my school's top foreign language student & did receive a spcial award my senior year. my professor was involved in a program that sent people to japan to teach english & she thought i would be perfect. again- a lost opportunity as i had bills & responsibilities then that couldn't be left for 6 months. but if i could go back...
5. i once got a marriage proposal from being able to put both my legs behind my head. thankfully i saw through the shallow compliment & turned i down.
true. i was a gymnast from age 4 to age 13. this makes me very flexible. i still have a lot of it, but when i was 16 i was able to get both legs behind my head. not sure why i thought that was a great party trick- but heh, it sure got some attention. and no- i can no longer do it. i doubt i ca get one back there anymore!
6. i had a small speaking role in the movie in & out in 1997 - scenes were filmed very close to my home town & i lucked out at the open casting.
false. while it IS true that the movie had scenes filmed (the wedding scene i believe) in a very beautiful artist community near my home town, and while my mom, sis, & i all went & sat for hours before we got called up & had photos taken, we were never called. two of my hub's friend's ended up going too & just showed up the next day when they were filming & ended up in the movie. no speakinglines though. that is about as close to fame as i have ever gotten.
so there are my truths & lies. i had fun with this, but i do feel like my lies could have been more creative. although i tricked most of you on #6- so that's cool!
i'm off this weekend to visit the rents & return my dad's car. it should be a hecic, but fun weekend. i'm really looking forward to seeing my fam & maybe having a little bit of pampering. i sure could use it after this past week & i think a little pre-emptive pampering could be in order. i have my hss & hsg scheduled for next week. i'm not looking forward to it, but it needs to be done. and the hub has his drop off on wednesday. so by this time next week we may possibly have some actual answers...
as to the rest- here are the results:
1. since the age of 10 i am a blue ribbon cherry pie maker. i have won multiple times at state fairs.
true. i started baking at the age of 4 with my mom & i started entering the state fair at 10. my cherry pie won the blue ribbon 2 years in a row. apple pie was a solid contender, the cookies did well, but ironically enough the artwork i submitted only ever got honorable mentions... go figure!
2. i am a test away from being an official member of mensa. i took the practice exam & passed with flying colors, but when it came to finding an actual test site & going to get it, i got lazy.
true. at last try my iq was in the high 150's, but i never seemed to get around to taking an officially sanctioned test & joining mensa, although i do walk around telling the hub i am a fucking genius!
3. the hub & i are the result of a one night stand gone good.
false. we were high school sweethearts & first dated when i was only 14 years old. it was very brief- but we've basically been together since i was 16. but still too young for one night stands!
4. i won an award in college for being the top language student in japanese & my professor offered to get me into a program to go to japan & teach english.
true. while i have lost an obscene amount of my proficiency in the 5 years since college- i was my school's top foreign language student & did receive a spcial award my senior year. my professor was involved in a program that sent people to japan to teach english & she thought i would be perfect. again- a lost opportunity as i had bills & responsibilities then that couldn't be left for 6 months. but if i could go back...
5. i once got a marriage proposal from being able to put both my legs behind my head. thankfully i saw through the shallow compliment & turned i down.
true. i was a gymnast from age 4 to age 13. this makes me very flexible. i still have a lot of it, but when i was 16 i was able to get both legs behind my head. not sure why i thought that was a great party trick- but heh, it sure got some attention. and no- i can no longer do it. i doubt i ca get one back there anymore!
6. i had a small speaking role in the movie in & out in 1997 - scenes were filmed very close to my home town & i lucked out at the open casting.
false. while it IS true that the movie had scenes filmed (the wedding scene i believe) in a very beautiful artist community near my home town, and while my mom, sis, & i all went & sat for hours before we got called up & had photos taken, we were never called. two of my hub's friend's ended up going too & just showed up the next day when they were filming & ended up in the movie. no speakinglines though. that is about as close to fame as i have ever gotten.
so there are my truths & lies. i had fun with this, but i do feel like my lies could have been more creative. although i tricked most of you on #6- so that's cool!
i'm off this weekend to visit the rents & return my dad's car. it should be a hecic, but fun weekend. i'm really looking forward to seeing my fam & maybe having a little bit of pampering. i sure could use it after this past week & i think a little pre-emptive pampering could be in order. i have my hss & hsg scheduled for next week. i'm not looking forward to it, but it needs to be done. and the hub has his drop off on wednesday. so by this time next week we may possibly have some actual answers...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
truth & lie
this has been floating around & i am just getting to it now- first from Mel's blog then from io & kate. so here's the deal- Post six items about yourself, four of which are true, and two of which are lies, and then open comments for people to take a guess as to which items are the false ones.
1. since the age of 10 i am a blue ribbon cherry pie maker. i have won multiple times at state fairs.
2. i am a test away from being an official member of mensa. i took the practice exam & passed with flying colors, but when it came to finding an actual test site & going to get it, i got lazy.
3. the hub & i are the result of a one night stand gone good.
4. i won an award in college for being the top language student in japanese & my professor offered to get me into a program to go to japan & teach english.
5. i once got a marriage proposal from being able to put both my legs behind my head. thankfully i saw through the shallow compliment & turned i down.
6. i had a small speaking role in the movie in & out in 1997 - scenes were filmed very close to my home town & i lucked out at the open casting.
post your guesses in the comments section... i have no fun prizes, but tomorrow i'll tell you who's right! i think most people have done this, but if you aven't already- the 'cave' girls -nancy, tammy, jewels, monica, katem, & jen- consider yourself tagged!
on the cycle front- today is cd1. i thought maybe a miracle had happened when my temp was still pretty high yesterday & only came down a bit today- but alas it is not to be. i shall have to strive forward & shell out some big bucks in order to get what seems to come so easily to those that never seem to realze just how easily it does come to them. excuse my bitter moment but i havejust heard about the first woman i know who is pregnant with her 2nd while i am struggling to get my first. it's just a hard milestone to swallow. life is not looking too positive this week (month, year) and i need to adjust. finding a silver lining is getting kind of tough. i am excited & happy to be doing something by getting tested, but i am stuck in a pity party moment of not wanting to have to be here at all. it'll get better- i just hope it's soon.
oh- and i am only doing bloodwork, hsg, & hss this month. the hub's s/a is next wednesday (how in the heck can they be that booked with s/a's?!!) and we really want to get that out of the way before we move on to a clomid cycle. and who knows...
oh yeah- more big news- the shop is no more. the hub has left & is now back to his old job as a tech parts courier. which pays really well, but takes some time to see the benefits of it. i don't have the energy to even talk about what's all happened in the last few day, let's just say it's time for a little drama free period.
1. since the age of 10 i am a blue ribbon cherry pie maker. i have won multiple times at state fairs.
2. i am a test away from being an official member of mensa. i took the practice exam & passed with flying colors, but when it came to finding an actual test site & going to get it, i got lazy.
3. the hub & i are the result of a one night stand gone good.
4. i won an award in college for being the top language student in japanese & my professor offered to get me into a program to go to japan & teach english.
5. i once got a marriage proposal from being able to put both my legs behind my head. thankfully i saw through the shallow compliment & turned i down.
6. i had a small speaking role in the movie in & out in 1997 - scenes were filmed very close to my home town & i lucked out at the open casting.
post your guesses in the comments section... i have no fun prizes, but tomorrow i'll tell you who's right! i think most people have done this, but if you aven't already- the 'cave' girls -nancy, tammy, jewels, monica, katem, & jen- consider yourself tagged!
on the cycle front- today is cd1. i thought maybe a miracle had happened when my temp was still pretty high yesterday & only came down a bit today- but alas it is not to be. i shall have to strive forward & shell out some big bucks in order to get what seems to come so easily to those that never seem to realze just how easily it does come to them. excuse my bitter moment but i havejust heard about the first woman i know who is pregnant with her 2nd while i am struggling to get my first. it's just a hard milestone to swallow. life is not looking too positive this week (month, year) and i need to adjust. finding a silver lining is getting kind of tough. i am excited & happy to be doing something by getting tested, but i am stuck in a pity party moment of not wanting to have to be here at all. it'll get better- i just hope it's soon.
oh- and i am only doing bloodwork, hsg, & hss this month. the hub's s/a is next wednesday (how in the heck can they be that booked with s/a's?!!) and we really want to get that out of the way before we move on to a clomid cycle. and who knows...
oh yeah- more big news- the shop is no more. the hub has left & is now back to his old job as a tech parts courier. which pays really well, but takes some time to see the benefits of it. i don't have the energy to even talk about what's all happened in the last few day, let's just say it's time for a little drama free period.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
my valentine's date
i am no longer a dildo-cam virgin. this afternoon around 3pm i had my deflowering session. it was actually quite interesting to see my lady bits & pieces on the screen.
so- i'll back up- the hub & i went separately. i was a few minutes late, but no big deal. i have to say my very first impression was not great. i'm a designer & the slightly shabby, fairly dated office threw me off. they have floral wallpaper, blech! the front desk staff was very nice though &i relaxed somewhat. then we were brought back by nurse grumpy who took my height, weight (unfortunately i haven't really lost anything despite the thinner appearance & looser clothes lately) & blood pressure. she was the one who informed me of said dildo cam plans for the visit. needless to say i thought i would be much better aquainted with my doc before we got to that. i don't even have good nickname yet dammit! but the doc got us into his office quickly & went through our histories & his whole speil. i naturally knew pretty much everything he said already, but i knew the hub would listen so i let him go on. he's big on diagrams, both showing & drawing. i'll have to scan what he gave us for our calender so you can see the beauty. he's very nice, was excited to find out i am part hungarian since he is also. he said that there were a few yellow flags in our histories that could have something to do with our fertility (mainly smoking & the hub's infant hernia surgery) but he didn't see anything that was a bright red flag.
he wants me to have my fsh levels checked & their protocol to do that is with a clomid cycle. i am hesitant to do that right off the bat for a few reasons.
-a very good point brought up by my sweet hubby is what if his s/a doesn't check out? i think it makes sense to get him checked first & then see if there's a need. since my day 1 could be tuesday & the earliest he will get a sample in would be monday- i think i'll skip this round.
-i also want to make sure that we do all covered diagnostic tests first. a full clomid cycle is a grand- nothing covered. due up front. there is no way we can have a grand in a week after the 2 weeks we've had. in another month that could be very different.
- something just tells me to wait on it. i really don't think i have a problem ovulating so i don't see the point of clomid for me until some other tests have ben done. has anyone ever had to do a similar clomid challenge? i don't remember hearing about it before & i'm curious.
- an iui is only another $375 on top of the $1000 for the clomid cycle. if i'm in for a pound already... what's another $375. i would want to jump right in because it makes much more sense financially & statistically.
so i think i will be calling around tuesday to schedule my day 3 bloodwork & my hss & hsg- which they do together. in about a week we could know if i have any problems that are immediately evident. the hub's a little hesitant about his s/a. he's nervous- he actually asked Dr. S (still working on that name) "how do you propose to retrieve the semen sample?" i know he meant is it in office or at home- but the doc just half looked away & said that it is a ma.stur.bated sample unless he has a problem with that & then they have other options. i almost died right then & there! hysterical! thank goodness the front desk nurse took us back after the appointment & told us all the nitty gritties. she handed him his bag & instructions after finding out we are less than half an hour away- they need it in the lab within an hour. he has to bring it himself too & show id, so he can't have me bail him out on that part.
oh- and my valentine's gift was that among the audience at the dildo-cam of Dr. S., Nurce Nice, & Smiley Resident was my devote hub. he stayed up by my head, but he was there. how's that for love?
so- i'll back up- the hub & i went separately. i was a few minutes late, but no big deal. i have to say my very first impression was not great. i'm a designer & the slightly shabby, fairly dated office threw me off. they have floral wallpaper, blech! the front desk staff was very nice though &i relaxed somewhat. then we were brought back by nurse grumpy who took my height, weight (unfortunately i haven't really lost anything despite the thinner appearance & looser clothes lately) & blood pressure. she was the one who informed me of said dildo cam plans for the visit. needless to say i thought i would be much better aquainted with my doc before we got to that. i don't even have good nickname yet dammit! but the doc got us into his office quickly & went through our histories & his whole speil. i naturally knew pretty much everything he said already, but i knew the hub would listen so i let him go on. he's big on diagrams, both showing & drawing. i'll have to scan what he gave us for our calender so you can see the beauty. he's very nice, was excited to find out i am part hungarian since he is also. he said that there were a few yellow flags in our histories that could have something to do with our fertility (mainly smoking & the hub's infant hernia surgery) but he didn't see anything that was a bright red flag.
he wants me to have my fsh levels checked & their protocol to do that is with a clomid cycle. i am hesitant to do that right off the bat for a few reasons.
-a very good point brought up by my sweet hubby is what if his s/a doesn't check out? i think it makes sense to get him checked first & then see if there's a need. since my day 1 could be tuesday & the earliest he will get a sample in would be monday- i think i'll skip this round.
-i also want to make sure that we do all covered diagnostic tests first. a full clomid cycle is a grand- nothing covered. due up front. there is no way we can have a grand in a week after the 2 weeks we've had. in another month that could be very different.
- something just tells me to wait on it. i really don't think i have a problem ovulating so i don't see the point of clomid for me until some other tests have ben done. has anyone ever had to do a similar clomid challenge? i don't remember hearing about it before & i'm curious.
- an iui is only another $375 on top of the $1000 for the clomid cycle. if i'm in for a pound already... what's another $375. i would want to jump right in because it makes much more sense financially & statistically.
so i think i will be calling around tuesday to schedule my day 3 bloodwork & my hss & hsg- which they do together. in about a week we could know if i have any problems that are immediately evident. the hub's a little hesitant about his s/a. he's nervous- he actually asked Dr. S (still working on that name) "how do you propose to retrieve the semen sample?" i know he meant is it in office or at home- but the doc just half looked away & said that it is a ma.stur.bated sample unless he has a problem with that & then they have other options. i almost died right then & there! hysterical! thank goodness the front desk nurse took us back after the appointment & told us all the nitty gritties. she handed him his bag & instructions after finding out we are less than half an hour away- they need it in the lab within an hour. he has to bring it himself too & show id, so he can't have me bail him out on that part.
oh- and my valentine's gift was that among the audience at the dildo-cam of Dr. S., Nurce Nice, & Smiley Resident was my devote hub. he stayed up by my head, but he was there. how's that for love?
d-day, drama, & a knight in shining mazda
It's been a while- i know. i am a broken record lately but life is just too damn busy. on tuesday we had an ice storm & tom got a job going up to boston. lo & behold our one & only car broke down at 5am in the storm about 30 miles outside of bean town. hilarity ensued. ha freaking ha. after a few scrambled hours & tearful phone calls i had a ride into work, he was slowly making his way to his parents house (thank goodness they live fairly close to boston), and my dad drove in to save my day. he offered to drive up & let me borrow his car for a week or so until we are squared away. so i get to drive a cute little rollerskate of a car. i had to bring my dad to take a train this morning which meant getting up at the ridiculous hour of 3:30 am. fun. but i swear i didn't grumble once because my dad was generous enough to drive 6 hours so i could take his car. i would have stayed up all night if i had to.
tom made it home just fine last night. i was worried he would break down again- & so was he, so he borrowed HIS dad's car. luckily the part he needed he already had here & it's a 5 minute fix. he can mail the part up to his dad who can use our car until we can switch again.
i was also worried i would have to reschedule our appointment, but we're on track. by tonight i should not only have a cute RE nickname, but a game plan as well. i'm a little nervous & excited, but mainly too tired to get worked up about it. i just hope i can remember my list of questions & actually ask them... i will be sure to update later.
oh- my daily tarot reading today seems especially fitting given my activities later this afternoon:
- The Ace of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in assets or seeds. I have everything I need to co-create my own reality. I have value and I matter. I am empowered to nurture and tend to my own garden of purpose. I bring new life into the world.
tom made it home just fine last night. i was worried he would break down again- & so was he, so he borrowed HIS dad's car. luckily the part he needed he already had here & it's a 5 minute fix. he can mail the part up to his dad who can use our car until we can switch again.
i was also worried i would have to reschedule our appointment, but we're on track. by tonight i should not only have a cute RE nickname, but a game plan as well. i'm a little nervous & excited, but mainly too tired to get worked up about it. i just hope i can remember my list of questions & actually ask them... i will be sure to update later.
oh- my daily tarot reading today seems especially fitting given my activities later this afternoon:
- The Ace of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in assets or seeds. I have everything I need to co-create my own reality. I have value and I matter. I am empowered to nurture and tend to my own garden of purpose. I bring new life into the world.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
the drop off the end of the earth is pretty
life has kind of taken over lately. a lot has happened in a really short time period. the hub has picked up another job (finally!) while the shop gets straightened out (maybe). he's being very realistic about it- which is the best thing he can do. he's still working at the shop when he has to, but also not relying on it working out. there's just too many issues with his business partner.
we've been running around getting him set up for his second job & since we still only have one car it's been an adjustment. he drops me off & picks me up at work, which is fine, but it's hard not having my car with me. it mainly hurts at lunch time right now, but it should be better soon. we are hopefully going to take our tax return & get a decent cheap used car. i'm doing our taxes today so hopefully i'll be able to figure out if there's enough.
we also now have absolutely beautiful floors in our living room. one coat of stain & one of poly. the old roomie STILL needs to pick up some of his stuff so the other coat will have to wait until we are sure he won't be stomping on it & ruining it. but for now the floors are somewhat done. it will be fantastic to finally check something off of the great list of shit to do around the house!
we have so much going on that i almost forgot that my appointment is in less than a week. 5 more days to get through. i took the afternoon off work & i keep getting asked what i am doing for valentine's day. i don't know how to answer. i'm excited to get some answers (maybe) but i have this part of me that is crying out that i don't want this appointment to have to happen at all. i'm 4 dpo today & i am sure that this isn't the month. all the craziness of this week meant no boom boom during magic time, except for once. we really have no shot and i can't latch on to hope that once will do it because we've had 14 other times that proved that we just aren't that lucky.
i kept seeing nothing but pregnant celebrities this week, which sparks talk amongst the moms in the office about how they were when they were pregnant. it just kind of sucks to see & hear about something that is so unsure in my life. i don't know if i will ever get to be one of those moms. if i can commiserate on how badly my ankles swelled, or how huge i got. i can't be sure that i can ever compare how much my face changed to how much j.lo's did. and that sure is a crappy thought. i can't wait to have that - every moment of discomfort & every extra pound & stretch mark. sure- enjoying my life is great and i am happy with how things are starting to go right now- but i know i will never feel 100% complete without a family. and i will mourn the lack of pregnancy if that's what my future holds.
i have found myself praying, wishing, dreaming, & begging for a miracle this month. it will most likely sound a little cuckoo, but i've been having these one sided conversations with my grandma. she who apparently went through infertility in the 40's & 50's. it took her 9 years, 1 late term loss, and perhaps a few miscarriages to have my mom & her 2 sisters. i wonder if there's a hereditary factor. it's just another thing that scares me in this. the hub had an infant hernia & i may have hereditary fertilty issues in my family. it makes me very nervous for what testing will show. anyway- the reason i've been asking my gran for a miracle is that my due date this month would be her birthday. my favorite cousin (who also had some secondary infertility problems) was born on her birthday. i believe in signs & i would love for this to be one. i can't put any faith in it, but there will always be that glimmer of hope (however faint & however much i try to suppress it). but as i'll only be 9 dpo at my appointment, where i don't expect they will do any actual testing anyway, i will have to wait to see what the outcome is. and keep trying to beat miss hope down with a great big bat...
we've been running around getting him set up for his second job & since we still only have one car it's been an adjustment. he drops me off & picks me up at work, which is fine, but it's hard not having my car with me. it mainly hurts at lunch time right now, but it should be better soon. we are hopefully going to take our tax return & get a decent cheap used car. i'm doing our taxes today so hopefully i'll be able to figure out if there's enough.
we also now have absolutely beautiful floors in our living room. one coat of stain & one of poly. the old roomie STILL needs to pick up some of his stuff so the other coat will have to wait until we are sure he won't be stomping on it & ruining it. but for now the floors are somewhat done. it will be fantastic to finally check something off of the great list of shit to do around the house!
we have so much going on that i almost forgot that my appointment is in less than a week. 5 more days to get through. i took the afternoon off work & i keep getting asked what i am doing for valentine's day. i don't know how to answer. i'm excited to get some answers (maybe) but i have this part of me that is crying out that i don't want this appointment to have to happen at all. i'm 4 dpo today & i am sure that this isn't the month. all the craziness of this week meant no boom boom during magic time, except for once. we really have no shot and i can't latch on to hope that once will do it because we've had 14 other times that proved that we just aren't that lucky.
i kept seeing nothing but pregnant celebrities this week, which sparks talk amongst the moms in the office about how they were when they were pregnant. it just kind of sucks to see & hear about something that is so unsure in my life. i don't know if i will ever get to be one of those moms. if i can commiserate on how badly my ankles swelled, or how huge i got. i can't be sure that i can ever compare how much my face changed to how much j.lo's did. and that sure is a crappy thought. i can't wait to have that - every moment of discomfort & every extra pound & stretch mark. sure- enjoying my life is great and i am happy with how things are starting to go right now- but i know i will never feel 100% complete without a family. and i will mourn the lack of pregnancy if that's what my future holds.
i have found myself praying, wishing, dreaming, & begging for a miracle this month. it will most likely sound a little cuckoo, but i've been having these one sided conversations with my grandma. she who apparently went through infertility in the 40's & 50's. it took her 9 years, 1 late term loss, and perhaps a few miscarriages to have my mom & her 2 sisters. i wonder if there's a hereditary factor. it's just another thing that scares me in this. the hub had an infant hernia & i may have hereditary fertilty issues in my family. it makes me very nervous for what testing will show. anyway- the reason i've been asking my gran for a miracle is that my due date this month would be her birthday. my favorite cousin (who also had some secondary infertility problems) was born on her birthday. i believe in signs & i would love for this to be one. i can't put any faith in it, but there will always be that glimmer of hope (however faint & however much i try to suppress it). but as i'll only be 9 dpo at my appointment, where i don't expect they will do any actual testing anyway, i will have to wait to see what the outcome is. and keep trying to beat miss hope down with a great big bat...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
what is this new feeling???
this week was great. i actually feel happy, hopeful, dare i say- back to my old chipper self? i feel like things are falling into place. there's still a lot of shittiness going on- the shop isn't good & while we are working it out- it's stressful. tom will probably close the doors & do something else. one of the options was going for his cdl- which would mean a year of gone a week at a time. or more. but who knows if that's a serious option at this point in time.
anyway- i still do feel really good. work is going really well.we are incredibly busy & have a few crazy deadlines, but my team is really gelling & working as a team. i feel like a giant dork- but i am so much happier feeling like i am part of something. i feel like my work is a contribution & i feel valued. i also got a wonderful e-mail from a client raving about our work. it was the first time a project that i had a big part of was praised like that & it felt fan-freaking-tastic! plus it always help for the bosses to see that a client's happy! tonight i am going to see my one bosses band play- it's always a really fun time & i haven't felt like doing much of anything social the last few months. it's always been bad timing or i'm in the 2ww, or i'm too bummed because i just got my period.
but now i feel like a giant boulder of depression has been lifted. i am not stifled by my constant thoughts of babies, pregnancy, when, why not me, unfairness. believe me- i still think about it a lot, i still want to get pregnant more than almost anything else. but i want to be myself again. i have been pretty consumed for a while. this past week or so i haven't had that. i've noticed that an entire day goes by that i haven't thought about ttc once. i have a hard time remembering what cycle & day i'm on. i feel like i've returned from a vacation. i've been laughing more. i've actually been happy this week. for me this is huge. i am a naturally happy person- or at least i was up until 2 years ago. i let myself get down by the kidney first, and the lack of pregnancy second. the stress of the hub opening (& possibly closing) a business got to me. the roommate certainly didn't help. i felt like i had lost all control of every aspect of my life. my job suffered & i didn't seem to have my own niche there. my body was broken. i had much less energy.
i don't know exactly what the catalyst was, but i do know that i feel like i am getting control over my life back. i never had it taken from me- i know i was the one who let it go. but now the room mate is gone- i have my home back. the shop may be going- but i'll have my husband back. my job is looking up- but i have a feeling that that's related to my improving attitude & confidence overall. i have my appointment in less than 2 weeks. even if we find nothing wrong we have a plan. it's not the most aggressive, but it's a plan. not just a 'have sex, wait, cry because it hasn't worked' plan. i feel like i a moving backwards emotionally as i move forward- if that makes sense. i feel like i am starting to have some newbie hope. i also find myself thinking that if it takes a year that's perfectly okay. if you told me in november of '06 that i would be okay with waiting two years to start our family* i would have strangled you. but now i am okay with an extended timeline. i don't mind waiting longer. knowing that we have solid plans for our future is enough for the moment.
this is probably a little rambling at this point. i am pretty much just spewing thoughts out. i hope that my old self is back for good. i have a feeling she is- it's too exhausting to want to be different. there may still be struggles & hardships & my share of heartbreak. in fact i can pretty much guarantee it. but i feel better. i feel stronger, i feel like i can take on almost anything & it'll be okay.
*i reserve all rights to change my mind at any time about how long i can keep a positive chipper attitude about waiting to hold our child. this is still a painful & difficult journey. i still expect to be crushed with every period. i still expect to hate having to even go to an RE, get tested, possibly take pills & have IUI's to get pregnant, or make decisions about IVF. i expect to get frustrated & angry & want to quit. i expect to cry at the next baby shower i go to, or at the next pregnancy anouncement i hear. i expect to stare jealousy & droolingly at pregnant women rubbing their bumps, or cuddly chubby babies being carted around the grocery store. i don't think any of that goes away at all. but i feel better prepared to handle it all. i feel like the rest of my life is getting back into the normal groove & maybe as everything starts to fall into place then this will too. it may take some more time & hard work, but i can take it. i'm a lot stronger than i thought.
anyway- i still do feel really good. work is going really well.we are incredibly busy & have a few crazy deadlines, but my team is really gelling & working as a team. i feel like a giant dork- but i am so much happier feeling like i am part of something. i feel like my work is a contribution & i feel valued. i also got a wonderful e-mail from a client raving about our work. it was the first time a project that i had a big part of was praised like that & it felt fan-freaking-tastic! plus it always help for the bosses to see that a client's happy! tonight i am going to see my one bosses band play- it's always a really fun time & i haven't felt like doing much of anything social the last few months. it's always been bad timing or i'm in the 2ww, or i'm too bummed because i just got my period.
but now i feel like a giant boulder of depression has been lifted. i am not stifled by my constant thoughts of babies, pregnancy, when, why not me, unfairness. believe me- i still think about it a lot, i still want to get pregnant more than almost anything else. but i want to be myself again. i have been pretty consumed for a while. this past week or so i haven't had that. i've noticed that an entire day goes by that i haven't thought about ttc once. i have a hard time remembering what cycle & day i'm on. i feel like i've returned from a vacation. i've been laughing more. i've actually been happy this week. for me this is huge. i am a naturally happy person- or at least i was up until 2 years ago. i let myself get down by the kidney first, and the lack of pregnancy second. the stress of the hub opening (& possibly closing) a business got to me. the roommate certainly didn't help. i felt like i had lost all control of every aspect of my life. my job suffered & i didn't seem to have my own niche there. my body was broken. i had much less energy.
i don't know exactly what the catalyst was, but i do know that i feel like i am getting control over my life back. i never had it taken from me- i know i was the one who let it go. but now the room mate is gone- i have my home back. the shop may be going- but i'll have my husband back. my job is looking up- but i have a feeling that that's related to my improving attitude & confidence overall. i have my appointment in less than 2 weeks. even if we find nothing wrong we have a plan. it's not the most aggressive, but it's a plan. not just a 'have sex, wait, cry because it hasn't worked' plan. i feel like i a moving backwards emotionally as i move forward- if that makes sense. i feel like i am starting to have some newbie hope. i also find myself thinking that if it takes a year that's perfectly okay. if you told me in november of '06 that i would be okay with waiting two years to start our family* i would have strangled you. but now i am okay with an extended timeline. i don't mind waiting longer. knowing that we have solid plans for our future is enough for the moment.
this is probably a little rambling at this point. i am pretty much just spewing thoughts out. i hope that my old self is back for good. i have a feeling she is- it's too exhausting to want to be different. there may still be struggles & hardships & my share of heartbreak. in fact i can pretty much guarantee it. but i feel better. i feel stronger, i feel like i can take on almost anything & it'll be okay.
*i reserve all rights to change my mind at any time about how long i can keep a positive chipper attitude about waiting to hold our child. this is still a painful & difficult journey. i still expect to be crushed with every period. i still expect to hate having to even go to an RE, get tested, possibly take pills & have IUI's to get pregnant, or make decisions about IVF. i expect to get frustrated & angry & want to quit. i expect to cry at the next baby shower i go to, or at the next pregnancy anouncement i hear. i expect to stare jealousy & droolingly at pregnant women rubbing their bumps, or cuddly chubby babies being carted around the grocery store. i don't think any of that goes away at all. but i feel better prepared to handle it all. i feel like the rest of my life is getting back into the normal groove & maybe as everything starts to fall into place then this will too. it may take some more time & hard work, but i can take it. i'm a lot stronger than i thought.
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