i couldn't even tell you the last time i was here- i think it was about 2 months ago but i would have to look back. it feels like 2 lifetimes. so much has happened that i can't begin to fully process or wrap my own head around- much less write about. but i am here- or attempting to be. i am sure this will ramble and be mainly incoherent but i need to start somewhere.
i have been thinking so much lately about loss in life. my little world has been rocked by 3 horrific and tragic losses this year and i am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of the first. march 3rd my best friend lost her beautiful daughter born too early and lived far too quickly. she has started a campaign to spread random acts of kindness from now til then in Izzy's honor. my first few were this weekend and it is helping me far more than i realized. she has taught me more about pain and love and strength than i ever thought possible. i am a highly empathetic person- which is a curse as often as a blessing.
july will be a hard hard month. it will start with the 1 year anniversary of our own dear nancy. i miss her and her funny blunt snark oh so much. my only consolation is that she is an ally up there i can enlist to kick some ass for me. because july also holds a special birthday of someone no longer here.
because my world was rocked on january 15th. my brother-in-law- the hubs only and beloved brother (that he has watched over and cared for since he was 5 years old) took his life. we got the call around 9:30 and the entire week is lost to me in a blur of shock, anger, sadness and horrible visions that i would not wish upon a mortal enemy- much less my sweet self sufficient hub (& i). a quick memorial, a broken mother, a father too ill to even fly up for his sons death. a family both torn to shreds through grief, disbelief and anger and brought together in memories and shared pain. we never found a note, but there are certain clues. emails to a girl- who we would like to blame (and in all honesty do blame- but for being not worth it, careless with a broken soul, and neglectful- knowing she knew he threatened this- to no one but her- and while she told him she would call the police she never did- and he died knowing she said she cared but didn't)
we blame ourselves as well. we just saw him 3 days before. he seemed fine. he was always quiet- always reserved. he didn't let us know or see there was any problem. one of the last things i ever said to him was 'keep it down- you'll wake the kids' as he and the hub laughed over a ridiculous reality show. the last things...'lock the door- i'm going to bed', 'i'll be ok mom', 'where's my pumpkin?'. attempting to explain to my sweet Pumpkin that her beloved uncle is gone forever. knowing that my little bear will never ever know him. he is sitting on a dresser in a box- instead of hanging out on our couch or getting the help we wish we knew he needed.
there is a new question- a new wound every few days. we are getting better at getting back to normal- we will have more 'good' days between the bad now- but then Pumpkin finds his hat and tells me- mommy, uncle d forgot his hat here- he needs to come and get it!
and then it starts up all over again...
and in the midst of all this we have to navigate a relocation. to another part of the country with a lot of uncertainty and hard work to get it all together. so many moving pieces that need to be coordinated. and while feeling like you are already balancing on a precipice... moving an entire family for a job, a career that i love. but moving further from family. family that is going to grow as my own sister is expecting- but very risky...she is already high risk and carefully monitored. knowing that she and the baby are always in danger of restricted growth, extreme weight loss, depression. hoping for the best all around and being there for her as much as possible since i don't live close enough to really help, but want to (now more than ever) always just be a phone call away. i just returned with the kiddos from a trip to see her. it was good, exhausting, and i hope it helped her. it is a dichotomy to see someone struggle with wanting the very thing i yearned for that was gotten so very easily. i understand completely the reasons she is reserved and hesitant to embrace this- passing on her illness, being able to function as a mother and woman after birth when doctors order her not to get up in the night is a very strange and difficult thing to wrap your head around. it is hard to connect with a being that makes you so much more physically ill than even 8 years of illness can make you. i get it all- but being on the complete other side i want to shout that it is the hardest thing and the most amazing thing all at the same time. and still hope that as my baby sister she is ok.
and seeing my folks...that is a whole 'nother post- they could use help- but i am completely tapped. i want them to be ok too, but i can not take on one more thing. i am moving my family, bringing the in-laws with us as soon as we know how fil's health is (6 months for transplant if you could say a prayer/make a wish/think good thoughts) trying to excel at a job that is very busy and challenging and only going to get more so as everyone else who is not moving demotivates and new people come aboard. and i want to be the senior person in the department, but i have to force drive and motivation lately. at a time when i need to shine...moving, fixing and selling a house, finding and buying a house, coordinating a multi-state move, settling in during the busy period at work with a brand new staff, both kiddos have birthdays coming up & i really want pumpkin to get some special memories with her little friends before we go. i want to see friends and cram my 'right' coast memories in while i can. i want little bear to see the ocean for the first time before we go.
it is a lot. overwhelming. exhilerating. exhausting. maddening. draining. exciting and depressing. it is life, but it is hitting all at once. we will come through, but i hope it is with relatively few scars...although scars add character- right nancy?
