i love modern convenience

i have a stove. after almost 8 months- civilization is slowly returning to my kitchen.

we started our kitchen reno at the end of september- the stove has been gone since then because my dear hubby- in his infinite wisdom- decided that if we kept the old stove around we would procrastinate on getting the new one. ha!

after waiting for our TAX RETURN to get the new one- i am now proficient in the art of toaster lasagna, microwave pasta, & quesadilla maker omelets. i will be sharing my knowledge with poor underprivileged college students around the nation. for a price.

my name is jenn....

if you take the oh so scientific & accurate theory behind my name is earl- 'do good things & good things happen to you'- i should be getting a whole lot of good things coming my way.

now- i like to think that i am a pretty decent human being- i try to give people the benefit of the doubt in all situations. i am highly empathetic, sometimes to my detriment. i let people merge in front of me when they use their blinker. i even drop the pick up your dirty socks arguement with my hubby & do it myself because he works so hard.

but my ultimate 'karmic' sacrifice has been made. since we started trying for a baby- i have been overly sensitive to pregnant women & newborns around me. unfortunately- my coworker in the next seat over (also a good friend) told me she was pregnant right after i told her we had started trying. long story short- i couldn't emotionally support her & she couldn't be there for me & we had a very uncomfortable couple of months that almost killed our friendship. to make ammends for my complete isolation & intentional distancing from her & her pregnancy- i am not only going to her baby shower (which i thought i couldn't possibly do if i weren't pregnant myself)- i am helping to organize her shower at work. i am also going to that dreaded mecca of all things baby- babies-r-us to get her shower gifts for work.

now- i am really not doing any of this for a 'karma will get me back' reason- i don't think it works that way in real life- that's just for tv. but i do want to make ammends for being a poor friend & even if it hurts my heart- she will be happy. plus it will bolster me in my own trying times to know that i am strong enough to get past my emotional hurdles. being a better person and trying to live a better life can hurt going through it- but the rewards are worth it.

hands off ladies- he's mine

can i just say that my husband is the best. as much as i can't stand some of the things he does- or however much he annoys me, he really is something special. every morning i am woken up by a sweet 'good morning' and a cup of coffee in bed.

this morning i also get told that in addition to getting up early & doing the dishes, 2 loads of laundry & taking out the trash- he has a special surprise for me. what do i find when i get downstairs- but a plate of fresh made brownies to take into work.

i love this man.

the day of the pirate

aarrgghh.

why oh why am i so annoyed. all those happy thoughts from the weekend have vanished & i am stuck in annoyance & aggravation. i don't want to be here- at work right now, in this stalled out place in my life. i want some answers dammit!

i want to know when my life can get back to normal. when will i stop having to worry constantly about money. when will i not be the sole provider anymore. when can i stop worrying about whether there is something wrong with me or my husband preventing us from having a child together. when will i get the respect i have worked my ass off for & rightly deserve at work. when will my family be happy & healthy again. when can i take a nap & forget these things need to be worried about.

ahh.. peace

this weekend i did something i haven't done in years. i spent the whole day outside relaxing. a few friends invited me for a picnic. we ended up going to this huge park in the burbs of philly. it was amazing how nice it is to just sit & enjoy the sky, your friends, yummy food, & watching animals, trees, & other people. the day couldn't have been mmore perfect & i felt happy, peaceful, rested, & rejuvenated for the first time in a long time. Tom joined us on his bike, which i know he has been dying to ride - well he got his fill this weekend- 400+ miles!

it was so nice to have a day that was only about the moment. nothing was planned, there was no obsessing over when things will happen, just good friends having good times. seriously- we were a beer commercial & i loved it.

why do I bother

trying to keep a friendship alive when the other person obviously is not a friend.

why? to salvage social graces. to avoid an arguement. because i hate conflict.

i almost wish they would just come out & say it so i can stop wasting the energy caring.

why does 27 feel old today!

Last night I went to a co-workers going away party. Now- my office is great & when we do things like this, it's always a blast. Unfortunately- I knew I was getting picked up by my very generous & loving husband- so I had a few beers. Now- let me preface this with a disclaimer- since we started trying to have a baby, plus having my kidney out- I don't really drink much anymore. I went through a little period after finding out that I would need an organ removed that I did drink more than ever (still not a lot- but I didn't want to continue that trend) Now I won't drink at all for the 2 weeks before I get my period- just in case. I know it doesn't really hurt anything to have a drink or two now & then, but since I have had a major health issue- for me it's just not worth it.

So I am out of practice! I had maybe 4 beers over 3 hours with food. I thought I was pretty good because I definitely wasn't drunk- but this morning my head & body disagreed. I had the raging headache, the slight spins, the nauseau, and the aversion to light. How did this happen! When did I become a lightweight? I enjoy beer- I like a glass of wine now & then, but honestly- if I feel like this after a tame night- I don't think I'll miss it too bad when I do get pregnant & can't drink! But ask me again after today...

blech, blah, phooey

Yesterday was supposed to be such a good day. It had promise, I woke up happy- work was pretty decent for a monday, and we were going out with great friends that we don't get to see too often. Sure- it was rainy & cold for April, but who cares!

So at dinner- conversations are great- it's me, my hubby, our friends, & her sister in law. All fun intelligent people having a great monday night out. Until the "P" word pops up. Sister in law is pregnant. This usually elicits a bittersweet response from me- especially as I have hit the calendar marking "6 months & I'm still trying". I did really well though- she is a very sweet young girl & it was nice to notice that I could carry on a full blown pregnancy conversation without getting too jealous.

Then I hear a quiet- "what about you guys" said from our friend to my hub. Stomach drops a little.
H- well- we're trying.
F- that's what you said last time we saw you at New Years
H- something about it taking longer than we thought.
F- what about different positions? (obviously a male comment!)
H- we try em all.
then a little muffled conversation about testing & how long a doctor makes you wait until you can even think about getting testing done- usually a year.

The killer comment was made innocently enough by the sister inlaw about how her hubby has 'super sperm' - it really got me. So today is filled with thoughts of never even being able to have kids because either me or my husband is broken- and we have to go through another 6 months of heartbreak to even find out. I know in my heart that that's not the case- we are still completely within the 'normal' time frame, but knowing doesn't make it much easier to bear. I just wish that my sweet loving husband had never told his friends in the first place- I don't care how far away they live- if I have to see them this New Years & not be pregnant- I really don't know how I could handle it! I know they are good friends and probably excited to be able to share this with us- but even when he told them- I was really unsure of telling anyone. I dreaded the questions about not being pregnant yet more than anything & yesterday was the first time I really was forced to deal with it unexpectedly. I was proud that I could hold it together the entire time we were all together- but the car ride home was very quiet with lots of tears.

so... um yeah- I have a blog now

I keep thinking to myself that I need to start writing the crap in me head down somewhere- why not in full view of the entire world- right?

So- I'm still working on it- but the short story is that I have a great life- mainly. I am really happy to be married to my first love & best friend. I have a great house that I love. I love my job- mainly & my 2 dogs- mostly.

That said- I am grateful to just be here- one year ago I was told that I had a congenital defect in my kidney that had never been diagnosed before & now was causing massive infections. After months of tests it had to be removed. I was lucky. I got to the hospital quickly & avoided septicemia (massive internal infection) and when I had my kidney removed it was done by a wonderful doctor at a terrific hospital. I was able to leave after only 2 days & I was back to work in 2 weeks. Today I am completely fine, but I'll probably never wear a bikini again due to 2 small ugly looking scars. The 3rd one has practically disappeared though.

This experience was one of those life-changing ones for me. Tom & I had always talked about having kids, but in that 'someday far in the future' sense. We had also always discussed adoption- which we both still want to do. After my initial hospital visit I literally woke up & had this huge desire to have a child- to carry it for 9 months & create a life. I couldn't explain it or rationalize- but for the next 7 months it was all I wanted & I couldn't even begin to plan for it, much less try for it. The doctor's made it very clear that if I were to get pregnant- they couldn't operate & my kidney was nothing except a trap for infection. So we waited.

Then came my thankfully brief recovery- more waiting. Finally the day came when we could start trying- what a strange and wonderful day. All my life I was petrified of getting pregnant & suddenly it was my main goal in life. There is a lot of emotion & hope those first few months. Fast foward 6 months and I am still waiting. I became very obsessive very quickly & trying became the only focus in my life - months of heartbreak after negative tests & a few other life changes led to a "break" from the obsessing. All the tools of conception have been put away & right now there is more of a day to day focus on our relationship & everything else. Which for me- ultimately- is healthier.