i just got off the phone with my cousin. a normal- should be happy holiday phone call has me feeling like the biggest asshole piece of shit. my parents are visiting with them tonight & my dad is helping my cousin's 3 year old son build his train set downstairs. all i can picture right now is my dad never getting to be that happy- that involved- with his own grandchild. he should be, he deserves to be. what if i don't get to see that happy little kid grin on his face as he helps explain something to my child... just the thought of it has me heartbroken.
fuck. this time of year is supposed to be about warm feelings, hope, family, & love. all i can think right now is how do i hold it together. how do i not turn into a pile of mush when my parents stop by on their way home tomorrow. how do you find the lost hope you once had. how do i claw my way out of this depressed hopelessness i seem to find myself stuck in. how do i look forward when i am not sure that there is anything to look forward to. i feel like i've come to the end right now. it's time to move on to the next step, but my heart's not in it. i am literally stopping myself from being able to have hope that the next step will even help. i will still take it, i am slowly narrowing down the myraid choices of RE's that living in a somewhat major metropolis affords me, but i am not happy about it. i don't want to need this fucking step dammit.
i didn't want to have to have my kidney out either & i remember having a fraction of these feelings when i found out it had to happen. i know it's all normal & okay to be angry & sad that things haven't happened like i wanted them to, but it doesn't make it easier to go through right now. especially not at the holidays. they used to be such happy times, some of my best memories center around thanksgiving, christmas, new years. the hub & i got married 8 days after new years- the horticulture center where we had the wedding was decorated with poinsettas & twinkle lights. i thought it was a magical place & a magical time. this year it isn't. and in the long run it's okay- it will be okay. i am sure that tom & i will be parents (fucking wonderful ones at that) but the waiting is really starting to get to me.
my heart has been waiting for almost 2 years now. february (or early march) of '06 we started having the "we should have kids" conversations. then the kidney happened & i had to wait until that was resolved. now we've waited for the standard one year of actively trying, complete with charting & temping & opk's. it is time for next steps. what if i have scar tissue from my surgery- even though it was laproscopic & minimally invasive- there is still a possibility. what if we have male factor. what if's drive me nuts so testing sooner rather than later is definitely something i will do, but just like when i first found out that i was apparently broken with the kidney- i have this knee-jerk reaction that i don't fucking want to do this. i don't want to have to be fucking strong. i don't want to have to got through anything else- even if afterwards i know how glad i will be that i did it. and based on the last time i felt this way- i will be so happy i did it when it's all said & done, but just like then it's going to take a while to be happy i did it.
well- i am saying goodbye to 2007. it seems fitting somehow that it is with tears & bitterness. don't get me wrong- i am fighting my way back (however slowly & painfully) to the hopeful happy cheerful person i was last year. so for me the tears & bitterness are more of a release. i just hope i get all the bastards out soon. i want to look forward & i want to be hopeful. isn't wanting something & knowing it half the battle...
so for 2008 i have the following resolutions (in no particular order):
1. i will be more healthy. my recent physical shows i still have borderline high cholesterol (even though it has gone down by 9 points). so i will eat better & exercise more. i am also taking the popular oatmeal challenge. first bowl this morning for breakfast. my hope is that a healthy me= happy me= pregnant me.
2. i will not only narrow down my RE choices & make an appointment, but i will be as proactive a patient as you've ever seen. i will exhaust all the possibilities racing around my overactive head & hopefully eliminate scar tissue, MF, progesterone issues. i will also call my insurance company as manny times as i need to to ensure that what i think is covered is.
3. i will be a better friend, sister, daughter, wife. i will leave my own pity party & focus more on the lives around me. for too long i have wallowed in my own problems & forgotten to pick up the phone & ask about another.
4. i will get my husband to quit smoking. now- i know this is really not my resolution to make. but i will do all that i can to support & help him as he tries to quit for himself. if this means filling his head with the knowledge that quitting smoking may help us get pregnant (as real or imagined as it may be) i'll do it. i will also shamelessly refuse to kiss him after smoking & tell him how sad i would be if he wasn't here. i know he needs to want to quit- but i will be relentless in letting him know how much I want him to quit.
5. i will appreciate what i already have. i know this has been a reoccuring thought of mine, but i will try very hard every day to be thankful for how great my life already is. despite the hardships i have it really good. i need to remember this more often.
6. i will make really good beer. (this is really just because my sis got me a mr. beer kit for christmas 2 years ago, with a refill last year- i just made the refill today. hopefully it's still good. but if it's not i will get another kit or recipe & make some really good beer. because i like beer & i love making it.) i will also bake & cook more because that also makes me really happy.
i think that i can actually keep all of these resolutions- at least most of them. even if i can't, trying has to count for something...
so goodbye 2007, let's hope that 2008 is kinder & better for all of us.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
fresh start
even though it's still a few days from the new year, i have decided i wanted a fresh start. in reading over my last post it felt to whiny, too bitchy, too knee jerk reaction. i think it reflected more of my own foul mood rather than what this christmas was actually like. basically- i didn't want to read it again myself & i deleted it. i just thought i would explain that here.
i don't want to dwell on how shitty i feel about not being pregnant, about not being a mom. i haven't been able to shake this feeling lately & i want to put an end to it. i hate that i should be somewhat excited about making my appointment & looking forward to getting some possible answers, but the ONLY thing i can think about is the futility of it. why bother even getting tested- it doesn't change anything. i still won't be able to get pregnant. on the one had- if they find a reason there is a slight chance that whatever it takes to fix it will be covered by my insurance. if it isn't then i will be stuck. stuck knowing what is wrong & what could fix it, but most likely unable to do a damn thing about it for a while because we have no more savings.
on the other (more likely) hand, if we are 'unexplained' then we are certainly stalled for the same reason. no money=no treatments that cost over $200-300 a month (& even that means some serious budget crucnching right now). essentially- i am pretty sure that the only thing we will be able to do is clomid (or equivalent). and since i don't seem to have an ovulation problem- other than ovulating late-ish, i don't see that really making a difference. how ironic is it that i am hoping that something is found- something that my insurance will fix. something that means we won't have to wait any longer. we are just getting our feet under us & are slowly digging our way out from under the mound the shop put us under. it is unrealistic to think that we can afford a couple hundred bucks every month that really should go to paying things off & THEN saving for treatments.
then again- this is a bleak holiday season. maybe next year, next month, next week i will feel better. more refreshed & ready to tackle the next hurdle. but right now i just want to curl up with the hub & a beer, watch some mindless tv & forget about my pathetic little miseries.
but some small, but apparently noisy, part of me still has some hope. i hope that there isn't anything wrong with either of us & that we don't need an RE. despite all the mounting evidence- i don't want to have to go to another specialist for another unknown problem. i'm tired of being broken & having to have surgery to fix me. but i am more tired of not being a mommy- so even if takes years more to save (whether for some form of ART or for adoption) i will do it. i just need to work up to it right now, my energy is down & it's going to take a little bit to get my chipper self back.
i don't want to dwell on how shitty i feel about not being pregnant, about not being a mom. i haven't been able to shake this feeling lately & i want to put an end to it. i hate that i should be somewhat excited about making my appointment & looking forward to getting some possible answers, but the ONLY thing i can think about is the futility of it. why bother even getting tested- it doesn't change anything. i still won't be able to get pregnant. on the one had- if they find a reason there is a slight chance that whatever it takes to fix it will be covered by my insurance. if it isn't then i will be stuck. stuck knowing what is wrong & what could fix it, but most likely unable to do a damn thing about it for a while because we have no more savings.
on the other (more likely) hand, if we are 'unexplained' then we are certainly stalled for the same reason. no money=no treatments that cost over $200-300 a month (& even that means some serious budget crucnching right now). essentially- i am pretty sure that the only thing we will be able to do is clomid (or equivalent). and since i don't seem to have an ovulation problem- other than ovulating late-ish, i don't see that really making a difference. how ironic is it that i am hoping that something is found- something that my insurance will fix. something that means we won't have to wait any longer. we are just getting our feet under us & are slowly digging our way out from under the mound the shop put us under. it is unrealistic to think that we can afford a couple hundred bucks every month that really should go to paying things off & THEN saving for treatments.
then again- this is a bleak holiday season. maybe next year, next month, next week i will feel better. more refreshed & ready to tackle the next hurdle. but right now i just want to curl up with the hub & a beer, watch some mindless tv & forget about my pathetic little miseries.
but some small, but apparently noisy, part of me still has some hope. i hope that there isn't anything wrong with either of us & that we don't need an RE. despite all the mounting evidence- i don't want to have to go to another specialist for another unknown problem. i'm tired of being broken & having to have surgery to fix me. but i am more tired of not being a mommy- so even if takes years more to save (whether for some form of ART or for adoption) i will do it. i just need to work up to it right now, my energy is down & it's going to take a little bit to get my chipper self back.
Friday, December 21, 2007
can i have the real kranzels
we're off to the in-laws tomorrow morning for christmas. tonight is a friends housewarming-christmas party. there will be little to no internet use at the in-laws *yikes!* so i hope everyone has a very merry holiday.
i've been baking cookies for my friend's party & for the in-laws. they are a bastardized version of my mothor's famous traditional slovak cookies that have been made at christmas in our family for generations- vanilie kranzel. i don't even know the actual recipe but i do know that the wafer thin light sugar cookies filled with raspberry preserves & dipped in sugar are divine. so i made ghetto kranzels- store bought slice & bake sugar cookie dough that i try to get as thin as possible, but still never really works. the spread with raspberry & dip in superfine sugar & at least the taste is somewhat close. the presentation leaves much to be desired.
as i made these cookies last night i remembered helping my mom with them & how much i loved it when she would start to make them- at least 3 weeks in advance. (i don't know how but that wait just makes them better!) it started off christmas. once these cookies were started we knew we could start the countdown & the excotement. plus my mom would tell us stories about her grandmother. i miss those stories as much as the cookies. but what these thoughts led to was the fact that i want to be the one to pass this tradition on. it solidified another reason why i want to have my own child so badly. i want to continue this chain of cookies & stories. and i want it now. i want a christmas full of magic that i create for my child. anything else feels a little like a ghetto kransel- still sweet, but not quite right.
i've been baking cookies for my friend's party & for the in-laws. they are a bastardized version of my mothor's famous traditional slovak cookies that have been made at christmas in our family for generations- vanilie kranzel. i don't even know the actual recipe but i do know that the wafer thin light sugar cookies filled with raspberry preserves & dipped in sugar are divine. so i made ghetto kranzels- store bought slice & bake sugar cookie dough that i try to get as thin as possible, but still never really works. the spread with raspberry & dip in superfine sugar & at least the taste is somewhat close. the presentation leaves much to be desired.
as i made these cookies last night i remembered helping my mom with them & how much i loved it when she would start to make them- at least 3 weeks in advance. (i don't know how but that wait just makes them better!) it started off christmas. once these cookies were started we knew we could start the countdown & the excotement. plus my mom would tell us stories about her grandmother. i miss those stories as much as the cookies. but what these thoughts led to was the fact that i want to be the one to pass this tradition on. it solidified another reason why i want to have my own child so badly. i want to continue this chain of cookies & stories. and i want it now. i want a christmas full of magic that i create for my child. anything else feels a little like a ghetto kransel- still sweet, but not quite right.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
here's to fresh starts
first off- thank you to everyone for the info on RE's! i will be keeping mucho busy over the holidays with research. my insurance kind of sucks so i will be calling a lot to see who works best with me. but i so appreciate everyone sharing their docs- it is nice to know that this community is close at hand as well as all over the country (world).
also- we had a little chat with the roomie. it was productive & open & honest. i now feel alittle bad for him as he was very heartfelt in his apologies. he wants nothing more than to keep the friendship he has with tom & doesn't want the living situation to come between that- so he is looking for a place. which is really the best thing for everyone- not just us. he also isn't watching our little princess over christmas. i don't know if i've mentioned that the in-laws are willing & asking for us to bring the one dog, but not the other. which is rather rude if you ask me. but i understand why they are requesting that- they have 4 cats which my little man could care less about. the princess on the other hand will do nothing for 4 days but chase the little kitties until their fur falls out. it's already happened. so the princess will stay with tom's business partner & whe'll have a ball playing with his son. we didn't want her staying home with the roomie because of the stellar example he has given us by leaving his dog in a crate for so long.
on to the fresh start- i took a test this morning & of course another BFN. i didn't expect anything more this month so i am not really upset. i am looking forward to getting everything together & getting an RE appointment & making some progress- even if it's just some answers on something! i do have to get a new bbt though- for giggles i took my temp with mine & it was 96.54 after 4 minutes. way too long for an accurate reading. and i will need a few charts to bring with me for my first appointment. whether they want 'em or not!
also- we had a little chat with the roomie. it was productive & open & honest. i now feel alittle bad for him as he was very heartfelt in his apologies. he wants nothing more than to keep the friendship he has with tom & doesn't want the living situation to come between that- so he is looking for a place. which is really the best thing for everyone- not just us. he also isn't watching our little princess over christmas. i don't know if i've mentioned that the in-laws are willing & asking for us to bring the one dog, but not the other. which is rather rude if you ask me. but i understand why they are requesting that- they have 4 cats which my little man could care less about. the princess on the other hand will do nothing for 4 days but chase the little kitties until their fur falls out. it's already happened. so the princess will stay with tom's business partner & whe'll have a ball playing with his son. we didn't want her staying home with the roomie because of the stellar example he has given us by leaving his dog in a crate for so long.
on to the fresh start- i took a test this morning & of course another BFN. i didn't expect anything more this month so i am not really upset. i am looking forward to getting everything together & getting an RE appointment & making some progress- even if it's just some answers on something! i do have to get a new bbt though- for giggles i took my temp with mine & it was 96.54 after 4 minutes. way too long for an accurate reading. and i will need a few charts to bring with me for my first appointment. whether they want 'em or not!
Monday, December 17, 2007
have you tried elevating your hips
i had my annual lady doctor visit today. i had told my doc that i wanted to discuss IF testing and she started by asking how long we'd been trying & if i was using opk's & charting my temperature. i stifled my eyerolls & just said yes.
then she said that we should give it a few more months & then start seeing a specialist. really. that's it. that's what i get. oh- and while she was down checking out the lady bits she actually asked me the title. i couldn't make that up.
the only thing i can say is that i know for sure that she does no tests in office- which is what i expected anyway. i also know that for the next month or so i will be diligently researching RE's in the philly area. i only know 1 person who goes to an re & have looked up her office. i can't really compare it to any other office- but she loves it. if anyone else has any personal experiences with philly re's i would sure appreciate it. there's only so much you can get from a list of statistics.
i will then make a decision & call for my referral hopefully sometime in january- maybe february. i don't want to rush the decision of my baby-making doctor. plus since only testing is covered under insurance we really can't be in a huge rush for treatments, unless of course i get a diagnosis that is miraculously covered.
so- it's not much, but at least it's a start of a glimmer of a plan.
other than that- i have cramps & sore boobs & an appointment for bloodwork (standard check-up stuff) on friday. if i haven't gotten af i think i'll just ask for a test. but ironically i'll probably get af later that day because of it...
then she said that we should give it a few more months & then start seeing a specialist. really. that's it. that's what i get. oh- and while she was down checking out the lady bits she actually asked me the title. i couldn't make that up.
the only thing i can say is that i know for sure that she does no tests in office- which is what i expected anyway. i also know that for the next month or so i will be diligently researching RE's in the philly area. i only know 1 person who goes to an re & have looked up her office. i can't really compare it to any other office- but she loves it. if anyone else has any personal experiences with philly re's i would sure appreciate it. there's only so much you can get from a list of statistics.
i will then make a decision & call for my referral hopefully sometime in january- maybe february. i don't want to rush the decision of my baby-making doctor. plus since only testing is covered under insurance we really can't be in a huge rush for treatments, unless of course i get a diagnosis that is miraculously covered.
so- it's not much, but at least it's a start of a glimmer of a plan.
other than that- i have cramps & sore boobs & an appointment for bloodwork (standard check-up stuff) on friday. if i haven't gotten af i think i'll just ask for a test. but ironically i'll probably get af later that day because of it...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I've been tagged
my friend nancy has tagged me for 7 random things. since i was so busy this weekend i am just getting to them now!
1. i love popcorn. it doesn't matter what kind- kettle corn, plain, butter.. but my favorite is homemade fresh popped with a smidgen of butter & a ton of fresh parmesan & herbs. it is to die for!
2. my husband is a former rock star- not really about me, except for the fact that i was his biggest groupie by default. i actually broke up with him while he was in carson city on tour...
3. i love being smart. i love learning things, but i equally (or maybe more) love knowing things. conversely i hate, hate, hate being wrong. not because i want to be right all the time, but because i feel like i have let someone down when i am wrong.
4. i used to be a gymnast. i stopped before the competition level started because i didn't like the pressure. at 12 i thought it was too much. plus- although i am short & strong, i am far too naturally curvy to really have made it. i was pretty darn good at the uneven bars though...
5. after almost 15 years (yikes!) of dying my hair i have stopped & i am now seeing many random grays pop up. and i will let them go because i want to be okay with it. even though i always had this notion that gray hair started with your first kid- due to my mom's antecdotes. plus i think i will look hot with a gray streak because of my baby face. i really do need to shut up about seeing a new gray hair every other day though.
6. i miss my sister terribly every day that we don't talk. i wish that she could live closer because every time we hang out all the crap in life just doesn't matter. but i do hope she gains some weight & starts getting better soon.
7. i go for my annual pap tomorrow & more importantly to start the IF testing process. i am desperately wishing that they do a pregnancy test & tell me that i don't need any testing because i'm already pregnant with a christmas miracle. but i am realistic & am trying to just hope to get some answers & a fresh new hope for the new year. oh- and my period for christmas... yay.
I don't really know who i could tag that hasn't already done this. if you are reading this & haven't yet- consider this your tag!
and i really am hoping that they give me a test tomorrow even though i think i am probably only going to be 10dpo. i am too chicken to test that early myself & didn't do any tracking this month at all. this has helped a lot woth the symptoms & anxiety- but i don't really know when i will be late. we are going to the in-laws on saturday & i guess if i haven't gotten my period by then i will test before we go. i only have one test left & really don't want to buy another at the in-laws house.
1. i love popcorn. it doesn't matter what kind- kettle corn, plain, butter.. but my favorite is homemade fresh popped with a smidgen of butter & a ton of fresh parmesan & herbs. it is to die for!
2. my husband is a former rock star- not really about me, except for the fact that i was his biggest groupie by default. i actually broke up with him while he was in carson city on tour...
3. i love being smart. i love learning things, but i equally (or maybe more) love knowing things. conversely i hate, hate, hate being wrong. not because i want to be right all the time, but because i feel like i have let someone down when i am wrong.
4. i used to be a gymnast. i stopped before the competition level started because i didn't like the pressure. at 12 i thought it was too much. plus- although i am short & strong, i am far too naturally curvy to really have made it. i was pretty darn good at the uneven bars though...
5. after almost 15 years (yikes!) of dying my hair i have stopped & i am now seeing many random grays pop up. and i will let them go because i want to be okay with it. even though i always had this notion that gray hair started with your first kid- due to my mom's antecdotes. plus i think i will look hot with a gray streak because of my baby face. i really do need to shut up about seeing a new gray hair every other day though.
6. i miss my sister terribly every day that we don't talk. i wish that she could live closer because every time we hang out all the crap in life just doesn't matter. but i do hope she gains some weight & starts getting better soon.
7. i go for my annual pap tomorrow & more importantly to start the IF testing process. i am desperately wishing that they do a pregnancy test & tell me that i don't need any testing because i'm already pregnant with a christmas miracle. but i am realistic & am trying to just hope to get some answers & a fresh new hope for the new year. oh- and my period for christmas... yay.
I don't really know who i could tag that hasn't already done this. if you are reading this & haven't yet- consider this your tag!
and i really am hoping that they give me a test tomorrow even though i think i am probably only going to be 10dpo. i am too chicken to test that early myself & didn't do any tracking this month at all. this has helped a lot woth the symptoms & anxiety- but i don't really know when i will be late. we are going to the in-laws on saturday & i guess if i haven't gotten my period by then i will test before we go. i only have one test left & really don't want to buy another at the in-laws house.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
well- I think it's official
judging by my sore boobs i am definitely in the 2ww!! isn't it ironic that i don't remember noticing them before starting on this ttc rollercoaster- but now i'm actually perversely happy to have them... because of some of the lower temps of previous cycles i get a little nervous about progesterone levels. of course since i decided not to temp this cycle i don't have any scientific evidence that my sore boobs are due in fact to ovulation & an increase in that wonder hormone. but since i don't have any hopes for this cycle anyway it doesn't much matter. i'm just counting down the days to my appointment now & looking foward to a new start in the new year. for all of it.
a little tiny update- the shop is doing better. tom is super busy this week which is great. a few big jobs too which gives a little more hope for some stability in our near future if it keeps up.
also- my project manager that i babysat for brought in two adorable little thank you cards from her kids- the 6 year old signed the one- she colored in the "a" in her name... and the 4 year old drew a picture of me rather than writing his name. they're the best thank you notes i've gotten in a while! the gift cards were nice too- a night out at the movies with the hubby will happen thanks to them this weekend.
a little tiny update- the shop is doing better. tom is super busy this week which is great. a few big jobs too which gives a little more hope for some stability in our near future if it keeps up.
also- my project manager that i babysat for brought in two adorable little thank you cards from her kids- the 6 year old signed the one- she colored in the "a" in her name... and the 4 year old drew a picture of me rather than writing his name. they're the best thank you notes i've gotten in a while! the gift cards were nice too- a night out at the movies with the hubby will happen thanks to them this weekend.
icky poo rant
i do not feel good. i almost never get sick- especially since i quit smoking almost 2 years ago. except for the whole kidney thing- i usually don't even really get colds. but since saturday my body is on this rollercoaster of illness & it's no fun. saturday i was laid out all day with a raging headache mixed with nauseau. sunday was peachy- nothing wrong at all. yesterday i had nauseau again this time mixed with congestion & that fuzzy head cold feeling. this morning i am just exhausted. a little bit of tummy ache- not even full blown nauseau, but i can tell i'm 'off'. stuff's been going around & i don't want to get sick. especially not stomach flu sick. yuck!
i am feeling crappy in general right now- i can't tell if it's a by-product of not physically feeling well or not. i feel like i am bloated beyond belief & fat days are the norm right now. i hate hearing the room mate walk through the door. i just want him to leave already! he is supposedly looking for places- but he hasn't told us- we had to hear through the grapevine of tom's business partner. strange. he also claimed that he would pick up some frozen pizzas to replace the 2 of mine he ate- still nothing. this may seem a little petty to you- let me explain. i noticed the first one at least a month ago because we had only eaten one out of 6 frozen pizzas- yet there were only 4 in the freezer. (there was a huge sale & i was feeling lazy about dinners) normally i couldn't give a rat's ass if the roommate got hungry & ate one- go for it. but i do think it's rude not to replace it- especially since he's not a close friend or member of the family. but to not say he ate it- EVER!!!- and even more to bring the box upstairs so it's not in the kitchen trash- well that's just weird. if money was that tight for him that he felt like he had to hide the fact he ate one of our cheap frozen pizzas- i would have let him have it. but since he hid & denied it- i want my freaking pizzas back! oh- plus we can't find half our towels. i have no idea what happens behind his door & i'm really concerned that he will owe us new sheets & possibly a whole new bed because of his stinking drooling viscious mess of a dog. speaking of which- he is the worst dog owner i have ever seen. case in point- yesterday he was supposed to work 9-5. the dog goes in the crate say at 8:30. he walked through our door at 9:15. that's over 12 hours!!! tom finally took him out & walked him because we felt so bad. we've been told by the roommate to just leave him in there when he's not home since the dog has bitten both of us before & i for one am too scared to have him out. but it's not the dog's fault & i feel terrible for him. he has a horrible owner. now- if the room mate is going out & trying to find a new place, or whatever- after work, why wouldn't he just pick up a phone & let us know that & ask to walk his dog... it's what i would do. i feel like a bad puppy mommy if it's after 5:30 & no one is home for my kids. they are crated too- and yes it is for at least 8 hours. but they get decent walks right before & right after. his dog gets let out for 30 seconds before & after!!! how in the world can that be good for him!
if it wasn't for having my own animals here i would call the humane department on him. he just needs to leave soon.
okay- rant over- feeling better. at least tom & i are doing better. he's actually made some $$$ & all of our immediate bills are caught up. still no presents for christmas this year- but at least we can actually sleep a little better. oh- nothing at all to report on the ttc front except less than one week till my annual + getting testing rolling. and i think i might be 4 dpo. maybe, maybe not. but i am fairly sure that there will be no af for my visit- which i was a little concerned that i would have to reschedule. i would have gotten one sooner, but my insurance makes you wait one calendar year. sucky insurance!
i am feeling crappy in general right now- i can't tell if it's a by-product of not physically feeling well or not. i feel like i am bloated beyond belief & fat days are the norm right now. i hate hearing the room mate walk through the door. i just want him to leave already! he is supposedly looking for places- but he hasn't told us- we had to hear through the grapevine of tom's business partner. strange. he also claimed that he would pick up some frozen pizzas to replace the 2 of mine he ate- still nothing. this may seem a little petty to you- let me explain. i noticed the first one at least a month ago because we had only eaten one out of 6 frozen pizzas- yet there were only 4 in the freezer. (there was a huge sale & i was feeling lazy about dinners) normally i couldn't give a rat's ass if the roommate got hungry & ate one- go for it. but i do think it's rude not to replace it- especially since he's not a close friend or member of the family. but to not say he ate it- EVER!!!- and even more to bring the box upstairs so it's not in the kitchen trash- well that's just weird. if money was that tight for him that he felt like he had to hide the fact he ate one of our cheap frozen pizzas- i would have let him have it. but since he hid & denied it- i want my freaking pizzas back! oh- plus we can't find half our towels. i have no idea what happens behind his door & i'm really concerned that he will owe us new sheets & possibly a whole new bed because of his stinking drooling viscious mess of a dog. speaking of which- he is the worst dog owner i have ever seen. case in point- yesterday he was supposed to work 9-5. the dog goes in the crate say at 8:30. he walked through our door at 9:15. that's over 12 hours!!! tom finally took him out & walked him because we felt so bad. we've been told by the roommate to just leave him in there when he's not home since the dog has bitten both of us before & i for one am too scared to have him out. but it's not the dog's fault & i feel terrible for him. he has a horrible owner. now- if the room mate is going out & trying to find a new place, or whatever- after work, why wouldn't he just pick up a phone & let us know that & ask to walk his dog... it's what i would do. i feel like a bad puppy mommy if it's after 5:30 & no one is home for my kids. they are crated too- and yes it is for at least 8 hours. but they get decent walks right before & right after. his dog gets let out for 30 seconds before & after!!! how in the world can that be good for him!
if it wasn't for having my own animals here i would call the humane department on him. he just needs to leave soon.
okay- rant over- feeling better. at least tom & i are doing better. he's actually made some $$$ & all of our immediate bills are caught up. still no presents for christmas this year- but at least we can actually sleep a little better. oh- nothing at all to report on the ttc front except less than one week till my annual + getting testing rolling. and i think i might be 4 dpo. maybe, maybe not. but i am fairly sure that there will be no af for my visit- which i was a little concerned that i would have to reschedule. i would have gotten one sooner, but my insurance makes you wait one calendar year. sucky insurance!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
crazy, but good
life is going fast- i think i have ovulated, or maybe i am going to in the next day or so- i honestly have no freaking clue. tom & i had sex for fun (woo-hoo!) a couple times this cycle- maybe it was good timing. but i really couldn't say. which i am okay with. there is too much other shit going on to really get involved with ttc heartache & obsession on top of it right now.
work is gearing up to get crazy busy- it's a lot of spurts of quick deadlines & get it done now- followed by some extended busy work, twiddle your thumbs periods. i have been in the odd (for me) position of being 'in charge' of another person's schedule. i am working with a relatively new to the industry employee and guiding her in the process. which is great- but very strange. i constantly fear that i'm not helping her enough because i am not emphasizing why her mistakes are important to fix & not do again. i am too scared of being undiplomatic, or bitchy, or maybe even just her not getting it because i've upset her by saying she did something wrong instead of pointing out why the right way IS the right way so that she understands why it's done like that. oh- i'm also scared of forgetting something or missing something because it ultimately will fall back on me for not guiding her properly. in a way it's the logical progression of a career- you do something long enough & a 'management' position is in your future. but in another way i feel like a fraud because i know how much i don't know yet. but maybe knowing your limitations & trying to work on them is all part of it. and i think that i am a good teacher- she seems to get it quickly & that has to be somehow, someway in part to how i explain- right?
i also have 3 green projects. i had a call to explain all the credits the other day which i was completely not expecting. but i did okay. i think i explained well & didn't sound like a total idiot or like i was faking it somehow. which i still feel like i might be- not because i do't know my stuff- i'm definitely getting it- but because i am not used to being the holder of knowledge- the expert if you will. i like it- i like having a 'niche', this could be my thing in my firm and i would be happy for it. plus i think it's the perfect mix of knowledge, data, nerdy calculations & lists, with some design & fun new technologies mixed in.
on to the more relevant day to day exciting news- the hub has an accountant- who reviewed the books. now- there's good news & bad news. the bad news is that they should have sent the taxes in monthly & they didn't- so there will be penalties. the good news- is far far less than the hub expected- they can (& will) borrow the $$ from the partners dad & be free & clear. and with the accountant on board they are in a much better position to actually get in the red. the shop actually didn't do all that badly this year- it's just the startup expenses took any potential profit away. and they actually have excellent, perfect records. so while our lives are not immediately improved by this news- things are maybe starting to look cautiously up. i say cautiously because i still can't buy a new coat- which i desperately need, but i know that the car payment is made. and now he doesn't seem to think that he's a failure anymore- which i know he isn't, but he has thought since the shop trouble started. now he knows that they actually did okay- even though we're broke- the shop has the potential to be successful.
thankfully he also knows what he needs to provide for our little 'family' and how he has to do it. i know he takes us seriously & i know that the shop was for us- not just for him. if he had to- he would work at the donut shop counter, or stocking shelves at night. and i love him for that. but i really hope that it never has to happen.
christmas this year will be so strange. i can't afford anything more than cards- i hope that is enough. i can't even afford to get tom anything, which sucks, but in all honesty i think that his gift was this year & all that i have done to keep us afloat. i can't even be modest or humble about that- he owes this year to me & i only hope he appreciates it. all i want from him is a doctors visit. and i doubt i will get it. he has promised to make an appointment on monday- but i've heard that before. actually- i lied. all i really want is to sit at christmas dinner knowing that i have the greatest most miraculous present a girl could get- a baby for the new year. but i'm a realist & i'll take a semen analysis instead.
i'm sorry for the long rambling sort of post- but it's been a long rambling sort of week
work is gearing up to get crazy busy- it's a lot of spurts of quick deadlines & get it done now- followed by some extended busy work, twiddle your thumbs periods. i have been in the odd (for me) position of being 'in charge' of another person's schedule. i am working with a relatively new to the industry employee and guiding her in the process. which is great- but very strange. i constantly fear that i'm not helping her enough because i am not emphasizing why her mistakes are important to fix & not do again. i am too scared of being undiplomatic, or bitchy, or maybe even just her not getting it because i've upset her by saying she did something wrong instead of pointing out why the right way IS the right way so that she understands why it's done like that. oh- i'm also scared of forgetting something or missing something because it ultimately will fall back on me for not guiding her properly. in a way it's the logical progression of a career- you do something long enough & a 'management' position is in your future. but in another way i feel like a fraud because i know how much i don't know yet. but maybe knowing your limitations & trying to work on them is all part of it. and i think that i am a good teacher- she seems to get it quickly & that has to be somehow, someway in part to how i explain- right?
i also have 3 green projects. i had a call to explain all the credits the other day which i was completely not expecting. but i did okay. i think i explained well & didn't sound like a total idiot or like i was faking it somehow. which i still feel like i might be- not because i do't know my stuff- i'm definitely getting it- but because i am not used to being the holder of knowledge- the expert if you will. i like it- i like having a 'niche', this could be my thing in my firm and i would be happy for it. plus i think it's the perfect mix of knowledge, data, nerdy calculations & lists, with some design & fun new technologies mixed in.
on to the more relevant day to day exciting news- the hub has an accountant- who reviewed the books. now- there's good news & bad news. the bad news is that they should have sent the taxes in monthly & they didn't- so there will be penalties. the good news- is far far less than the hub expected- they can (& will) borrow the $$ from the partners dad & be free & clear. and with the accountant on board they are in a much better position to actually get in the red. the shop actually didn't do all that badly this year- it's just the startup expenses took any potential profit away. and they actually have excellent, perfect records. so while our lives are not immediately improved by this news- things are maybe starting to look cautiously up. i say cautiously because i still can't buy a new coat- which i desperately need, but i know that the car payment is made. and now he doesn't seem to think that he's a failure anymore- which i know he isn't, but he has thought since the shop trouble started. now he knows that they actually did okay- even though we're broke- the shop has the potential to be successful.
thankfully he also knows what he needs to provide for our little 'family' and how he has to do it. i know he takes us seriously & i know that the shop was for us- not just for him. if he had to- he would work at the donut shop counter, or stocking shelves at night. and i love him for that. but i really hope that it never has to happen.
christmas this year will be so strange. i can't afford anything more than cards- i hope that is enough. i can't even afford to get tom anything, which sucks, but in all honesty i think that his gift was this year & all that i have done to keep us afloat. i can't even be modest or humble about that- he owes this year to me & i only hope he appreciates it. all i want from him is a doctors visit. and i doubt i will get it. he has promised to make an appointment on monday- but i've heard that before. actually- i lied. all i really want is to sit at christmas dinner knowing that i have the greatest most miraculous present a girl could get- a baby for the new year. but i'm a realist & i'll take a semen analysis instead.
i'm sorry for the long rambling sort of post- but it's been a long rambling sort of week
Monday, December 3, 2007
busy work
you know when you are in school you are given random miscellaneous stuff to do that really serves no purpose other than to keep you occupied & quiet- well that's what i think my life is right now. i'm trying to find some busy work to keep my thoughts of ttc & babies suppressed.
babysitting was awesome on saturday- the 3 kids were so well behaved- not a single whine from any of them, including the 19 month old with a broken arm. can i just tell you how cute a little tiny girl with blonde bangs & a big old cast is! she was also sleeping in her toddler bed for the first time & i was warned that she had no nap & might pitch a fit & to just close the door & let her cry, that she would probably fall asleep on the floor. well- i said let's go get ready for bed & she went to the stairs & waited for me to follow her up. right into her room, change the diaper & finally found some pj's that fit over the cast & she crawled into her bed on her own!
the other 2 are older & the cutest little chatterboxes. we played princess monopo.ly until after 9 & then it was up to sleep on their parents bed. i was wiped out after 5 hours of playing games & hearing all about their recent trip to a magical kingdom- and they are wonderful kids. three is a lot on your own. but it was fun & i didn't have my usual pity party afterwards, which i am very happy about.
this week should be fairly busy, which is good. i think it's the week i ovulate- but i'm not doing anything at all to confirm it. all my hope has been stripped away, not just for this cycle, but even after testing starts- so i figure what's the point. i might as well enjoy not knowing since it really doesn't make a difference right now. maybe by occupying myself with life i can make mine less about the dissappointments of ttc & having everything come crashing down around me. while i don't think i can ever stop wanting to have a baby & start a family, maybe i can push it to just outside the focal point.
babysitting was awesome on saturday- the 3 kids were so well behaved- not a single whine from any of them, including the 19 month old with a broken arm. can i just tell you how cute a little tiny girl with blonde bangs & a big old cast is! she was also sleeping in her toddler bed for the first time & i was warned that she had no nap & might pitch a fit & to just close the door & let her cry, that she would probably fall asleep on the floor. well- i said let's go get ready for bed & she went to the stairs & waited for me to follow her up. right into her room, change the diaper & finally found some pj's that fit over the cast & she crawled into her bed on her own!
the other 2 are older & the cutest little chatterboxes. we played princess monopo.ly until after 9 & then it was up to sleep on their parents bed. i was wiped out after 5 hours of playing games & hearing all about their recent trip to a magical kingdom- and they are wonderful kids. three is a lot on your own. but it was fun & i didn't have my usual pity party afterwards, which i am very happy about.
this week should be fairly busy, which is good. i think it's the week i ovulate- but i'm not doing anything at all to confirm it. all my hope has been stripped away, not just for this cycle, but even after testing starts- so i figure what's the point. i might as well enjoy not knowing since it really doesn't make a difference right now. maybe by occupying myself with life i can make mine less about the dissappointments of ttc & having everything come crashing down around me. while i don't think i can ever stop wanting to have a baby & start a family, maybe i can push it to just outside the focal point.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
37829% jealous
last night a group from work went to visit a friend of the firm's & her 3 week old son. he is so perfect & sweet & chubby & smelled so wonderful. as great as seeing & holding a new baby is- i was surprised that i didn't have any flare ups of jealousy at all. he was just too perfect for that. and i think that any time i hold a new baby (any child really, but new babies have a special magic all their own) everything else kind of goes away. it's just about enjoying that moment.
my manager brought her 1 year old over also. this girl is seriously the best. i've known her since she was 4 days old & she is a loveable little imp. she has the best expressive face & she is walking & babbling now. her mom wanted to hold the new baby & she was a little difficult with that- but i played with her & occupied her with my camera & camera bag. by the end of the night i was carrying her around & she gave me a bear hug- the one where they throw their head on your shoulder & bury it in- and a kiss. i totally melted. for me- that sums up perfectly why i want this so bad. what in the world could be better. and if i had that for a fleeting moment with a child i only get to see on occasion- just imagine the love of your own.
as much as the moments i am with kids make me so happy-as soon as i left i bawled on the way home because i don't know if i am going to have that in my life. i hope i do. i hope i do soon. but what if it's just not in the cards. i was convinced that i would either have it already, or at least be pregnant & looking foward to it, by this time. it's just really hard to look forward with hope right now.
and i am waiting to see if i am babysitting another manager's kids tonight. if i'm not i will be so disappointed, but i am also pretty sure that if i do i will cry again tonight when i leave. what a catch 22, i love hanging out with kids- they make me truly happy. i need extra money & i am a great babysitter & would love to do that. but as soon as i leave all i can think of is that my destiny could be to be the eternal babysitter- always borrowing the love of other's children & not knowing that of my own.
p.s.- my horoscope is a little frightening today- especially because i AM driving about 40 minutes to babysit!
If it's at all possible today, avoid driving or operating any heavy machinery. If this sounds like a prescription label to you, then just think of it as a prescription for your day. The big problem will be your energy -- it will not be dependable. Expect mood swings that send you off in unexpected directions. Your mind will wander with little (if any) provocation. Recent revelations are on your mind, which may keep you from giving your full focus to the tasks that demand your attention.
my manager brought her 1 year old over also. this girl is seriously the best. i've known her since she was 4 days old & she is a loveable little imp. she has the best expressive face & she is walking & babbling now. her mom wanted to hold the new baby & she was a little difficult with that- but i played with her & occupied her with my camera & camera bag. by the end of the night i was carrying her around & she gave me a bear hug- the one where they throw their head on your shoulder & bury it in- and a kiss. i totally melted. for me- that sums up perfectly why i want this so bad. what in the world could be better. and if i had that for a fleeting moment with a child i only get to see on occasion- just imagine the love of your own.
as much as the moments i am with kids make me so happy-as soon as i left i bawled on the way home because i don't know if i am going to have that in my life. i hope i do. i hope i do soon. but what if it's just not in the cards. i was convinced that i would either have it already, or at least be pregnant & looking foward to it, by this time. it's just really hard to look forward with hope right now.
and i am waiting to see if i am babysitting another manager's kids tonight. if i'm not i will be so disappointed, but i am also pretty sure that if i do i will cry again tonight when i leave. what a catch 22, i love hanging out with kids- they make me truly happy. i need extra money & i am a great babysitter & would love to do that. but as soon as i leave all i can think of is that my destiny could be to be the eternal babysitter- always borrowing the love of other's children & not knowing that of my own.
p.s.- my horoscope is a little frightening today- especially because i AM driving about 40 minutes to babysit!
If it's at all possible today, avoid driving or operating any heavy machinery. If this sounds like a prescription label to you, then just think of it as a prescription for your day. The big problem will be your energy -- it will not be dependable. Expect mood swings that send you off in unexpected directions. Your mind will wander with little (if any) provocation. Recent revelations are on your mind, which may keep you from giving your full focus to the tasks that demand your attention.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
it's a ... life
what a life right now. what a terrible shitty horrible time.
yesterday morning tom decided to have a meltdown. he didn't go into work in the morning & drove me in so he could have the car. on the way he let me know that he 'might be going away for a while'. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! apparently the shop is doing so badly, his life is spiraling out of control, he's in way over his head & doesn't know what to do. oh- and absolutely nothing i say makes any difference. he is making no money & my savings is completely gone. i've put 2500 on credit cards (which in a year isn't all that bad- but i was trying to pay them off not spend more!), i pay for everything in this house & the little he does have to pay for is behind. he let me know that his motorcycle is in repo. fine- not really fine, but it's a luxury and doesn't affect our life negatively if it gets taken away, might be harsh, but true. but the car- the fucking only car we own & that i depend on to get to the only job that actually supports us right now- is ALSO behind in the payment. and i'm finding out now. after hearing him say that since he's over his head he just wants to skip out & bail on his responsibilities. leaving them for me to clean up.
he won't close the shop- even though i can't support us on my own anymore. even though we are reduced to having a fucking roommate with a vicious dog that needs to be in a crate or on a leash when out, even though it means that we can't afford to get pregnant- even if we miraculously could, he won't just pack the fucking thing up. he is so selfish that he will continue to make me a miserable freaked out mess rather than say- the shop failed- i'll be a fucking man & swallow my pride & get a job that supports my family & allows us to actually start one. rather than do that- he's now saying he will get a second job for after the shop is closed. which he's been saying for months & won't do because he works his ass off at that shop & is too tired to work another job after that. so it looks like we are in a holding pattern again. because he will only get a job that is nights or weekends.
on the one hand i feel like i am being selfish by wanting to have a baby now, that i am making it harder on him than it has to be. it's only a year after all... if he gets to realize his goal of owning his own successful business then it will be worth it to hold off on kids right now. but i have been invested 150% in this for over a year now, believing that everything is okay & we're still trying because this is only a temporary situation that is getting better. with his announcement yesterday i feel like it would be a terrible thing to get pregnant right now. with all of this extra stress & uncertainty. how could i knowingly do that, not only to us, but to my unborn child.
on the other hand- how dare he be so selfish as to let me believe & dream & hope for our family to begin only to pull the rug out at the last minute. we're about to start testing. i haven't even had my first appointment yet & i know that no matter what gets found, or what treatment options are laidout- we won't be able to do them. at best- he closes the shop (or a miracle happens & it makes a steady dependable income for us in the next month- ha!) & gets a 9-5 hourly wage job. now - this job only needs to be $8-12 an hour to make a huge difference & get us back up & out of this hole. not much at all- right. easy to find- right. not for my little italian. he refuses to work for $8 an hour! but he'll kill himself for free because it means he's the boss. talk about pride coming before the fall. anyway- i digress- IF he swallows his pride & gets the crappy, but dependable, job- we can maybe pay off our debt & save up for any treatments needed (& i'm pretty sure we'll need them) within 6-8 months. this is not ideal, but at least i would now that there is a solid plan & a goal that we're BOTH working for.
if he keeps the shop & works a second job nights-weekends, then we can forget that little miracle baby because we'll never see each other- much less actually have procreational sex. and what little he makes will just go to keeping him at break-even status. nothing will get paid & the shop may- or may not- do better. but there is no stability & all my plans are useless. i will have to indefinitely put my dream of becoming a mother, what i thought was our shared dream of being parents- on hold for an as of yet undetermined amount of time. i can't even say that next year we could start up again. because i really don't know right now.
does this mean that i should go out & buy condoms & hang it all up. maybe i should- but after a year i can not tell my heart to turn it off. i don't know how to stop ttc. i certainly won't be renewing my ff vip membership as the bbt seems a little useless now, but i don't think that i can prevent. it doesn't seem that natural conception is in the stars for us anyhow- so why bother. and maybe- just maybe- if my misery & anxiety doesn't snap him out of this first- hearing that the miracle actually happened would... who am i kidding. he'll do it when he wants to, no matter what i say.
*i've been thinking about a lot of miracles happening- but the biggest one of all is to have us both get what we want- family & happiness & all that that means. when it all boils down- i know that we'll get through this. we have talked it out & he will do what it takes even if he hates it & even if his pride is screaming that he just can't. i know that we won't prevent because a family is a dream we have & you can't turn a dream off or tell it to take a hike for a little while. i know that even if the shop fails miserably- notice i said the shop & not the hubby- & we do get pregnant- i know that it will all be okay. no matter what- no matter how hard- it will be okay. i have seen people do more with less & i'm sure they were just as scared as me. i just wish it didn't have to be so hard right now. i just wish that i at least knew there was some hope, some silver lining coming soon to brighten my days.
*update- so by the end of today we still have no solid plan, but somehow things are better. i don't know how & i still don't know how we'll be okay, but i do know that we will.
but i do know we'll be okay, no matter what happens. i know that we will get through this together. because i also know that my life is forever tied to this man & that however hard it gets, we'll be okay.
oh- and i think my job is about to get very different. i've just gotten 2 projects to get certified green. i'm a little scared because it's a lot to do, & a ton of responsibility, plus it means that my job is different than i thought it's be. i thought i'd be designing more & i'm doing much less of that (which kind of sucks), but i'm excited about what the possibilities are for this new aspect in my career. it's a lot to take in at once & i just hope that everything going on doesn't overwhelm me.
that's probably enough for 2 days. i need to process all of this.
yesterday morning tom decided to have a meltdown. he didn't go into work in the morning & drove me in so he could have the car. on the way he let me know that he 'might be going away for a while'. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! apparently the shop is doing so badly, his life is spiraling out of control, he's in way over his head & doesn't know what to do. oh- and absolutely nothing i say makes any difference. he is making no money & my savings is completely gone. i've put 2500 on credit cards (which in a year isn't all that bad- but i was trying to pay them off not spend more!), i pay for everything in this house & the little he does have to pay for is behind. he let me know that his motorcycle is in repo. fine- not really fine, but it's a luxury and doesn't affect our life negatively if it gets taken away, might be harsh, but true. but the car- the fucking only car we own & that i depend on to get to the only job that actually supports us right now- is ALSO behind in the payment. and i'm finding out now. after hearing him say that since he's over his head he just wants to skip out & bail on his responsibilities. leaving them for me to clean up.
he won't close the shop- even though i can't support us on my own anymore. even though we are reduced to having a fucking roommate with a vicious dog that needs to be in a crate or on a leash when out, even though it means that we can't afford to get pregnant- even if we miraculously could, he won't just pack the fucking thing up. he is so selfish that he will continue to make me a miserable freaked out mess rather than say- the shop failed- i'll be a fucking man & swallow my pride & get a job that supports my family & allows us to actually start one. rather than do that- he's now saying he will get a second job for after the shop is closed. which he's been saying for months & won't do because he works his ass off at that shop & is too tired to work another job after that. so it looks like we are in a holding pattern again. because he will only get a job that is nights or weekends.
on the one hand i feel like i am being selfish by wanting to have a baby now, that i am making it harder on him than it has to be. it's only a year after all... if he gets to realize his goal of owning his own successful business then it will be worth it to hold off on kids right now. but i have been invested 150% in this for over a year now, believing that everything is okay & we're still trying because this is only a temporary situation that is getting better. with his announcement yesterday i feel like it would be a terrible thing to get pregnant right now. with all of this extra stress & uncertainty. how could i knowingly do that, not only to us, but to my unborn child.
on the other hand- how dare he be so selfish as to let me believe & dream & hope for our family to begin only to pull the rug out at the last minute. we're about to start testing. i haven't even had my first appointment yet & i know that no matter what gets found, or what treatment options are laidout- we won't be able to do them. at best- he closes the shop (or a miracle happens & it makes a steady dependable income for us in the next month- ha!) & gets a 9-5 hourly wage job. now - this job only needs to be $8-12 an hour to make a huge difference & get us back up & out of this hole. not much at all- right. easy to find- right. not for my little italian. he refuses to work for $8 an hour! but he'll kill himself for free because it means he's the boss. talk about pride coming before the fall. anyway- i digress- IF he swallows his pride & gets the crappy, but dependable, job- we can maybe pay off our debt & save up for any treatments needed (& i'm pretty sure we'll need them) within 6-8 months. this is not ideal, but at least i would now that there is a solid plan & a goal that we're BOTH working for.
if he keeps the shop & works a second job nights-weekends, then we can forget that little miracle baby because we'll never see each other- much less actually have procreational sex. and what little he makes will just go to keeping him at break-even status. nothing will get paid & the shop may- or may not- do better. but there is no stability & all my plans are useless. i will have to indefinitely put my dream of becoming a mother, what i thought was our shared dream of being parents- on hold for an as of yet undetermined amount of time. i can't even say that next year we could start up again. because i really don't know right now.
does this mean that i should go out & buy condoms & hang it all up. maybe i should- but after a year i can not tell my heart to turn it off. i don't know how to stop ttc. i certainly won't be renewing my ff vip membership as the bbt seems a little useless now, but i don't think that i can prevent. it doesn't seem that natural conception is in the stars for us anyhow- so why bother. and maybe- just maybe- if my misery & anxiety doesn't snap him out of this first- hearing that the miracle actually happened would... who am i kidding. he'll do it when he wants to, no matter what i say.
*i've been thinking about a lot of miracles happening- but the biggest one of all is to have us both get what we want- family & happiness & all that that means. when it all boils down- i know that we'll get through this. we have talked it out & he will do what it takes even if he hates it & even if his pride is screaming that he just can't. i know that we won't prevent because a family is a dream we have & you can't turn a dream off or tell it to take a hike for a little while. i know that even if the shop fails miserably- notice i said the shop & not the hubby- & we do get pregnant- i know that it will all be okay. no matter what- no matter how hard- it will be okay. i have seen people do more with less & i'm sure they were just as scared as me. i just wish it didn't have to be so hard right now. i just wish that i at least knew there was some hope, some silver lining coming soon to brighten my days.
*update- so by the end of today we still have no solid plan, but somehow things are better. i don't know how & i still don't know how we'll be okay, but i do know that we will.
but i do know we'll be okay, no matter what happens. i know that we will get through this together. because i also know that my life is forever tied to this man & that however hard it gets, we'll be okay.
oh- and i think my job is about to get very different. i've just gotten 2 projects to get certified green. i'm a little scared because it's a lot to do, & a ton of responsibility, plus it means that my job is different than i thought it's be. i thought i'd be designing more & i'm doing much less of that (which kind of sucks), but i'm excited about what the possibilities are for this new aspect in my career. it's a lot to take in at once & i just hope that everything going on doesn't overwhelm me.
that's probably enough for 2 days. i need to process all of this.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
talk about productive...
unfortunately no (re)productive news this weekend-i just couldn't resist!- but we were busy little workers this weekend! last weekend too.
we primed our brick wall in our kitchen last weekend. all by hand since it's not nice smooth brick. then we noticed all the areas that needed to be repointed. so tom did that yesterday morning. on saturday we rented a floor sander & now the living room floors are all clean & natural. we're going to hopefully have them completely sanded & stained by next weekend. the goal is to have the living room done & all the walls that need to be painted done by christmas. after christmas i should have my bonus to finally get the kitchen floors in.
we have a set-in-stone game plan for the kitchen. slate floors & marble tile counters. we may even have enough from my bonus to do both. especially if we get our materials from the wonderful tax-free state to our south! we even picked the paint color & agreed to sand & restain the cabinets in a dark walnut. and we both agree on all of it! amazing!
after that all that will be left on the house is repainting a ton of trim, a new bathroom (no tub now-yikes!) and hopefully the nursery. who knows what order any of it will actually get done, but if i have learned any lesson from the 18+ month kitchen- it's one project at a time!
we primed our brick wall in our kitchen last weekend. all by hand since it's not nice smooth brick. then we noticed all the areas that needed to be repointed. so tom did that yesterday morning. on saturday we rented a floor sander & now the living room floors are all clean & natural. we're going to hopefully have them completely sanded & stained by next weekend. the goal is to have the living room done & all the walls that need to be painted done by christmas. after christmas i should have my bonus to finally get the kitchen floors in.
we have a set-in-stone game plan for the kitchen. slate floors & marble tile counters. we may even have enough from my bonus to do both. especially if we get our materials from the wonderful tax-free state to our south! we even picked the paint color & agreed to sand & restain the cabinets in a dark walnut. and we both agree on all of it! amazing!
after that all that will be left on the house is repainting a ton of trim, a new bathroom (no tub now-yikes!) and hopefully the nursery. who knows what order any of it will actually get done, but if i have learned any lesson from the 18+ month kitchen- it's one project at a time!
Friday, November 23, 2007
happy, happy
so- thanksgiving was really really good. we went to my aunt's house & dinner was fantastic, my sister & parents were there & after dinner we played a little game that all the kiddies want. a wee little game! watched my uncle, aunt, and then my mom (!) bowl & box was fantastic! as soon as i figure out how- i will have to post the funniest video ever showing the magic that is a 50 year old playing this game! oh- and mom was sooo much better than usual. she was like the mom i knew & loved, rather than the usual hormonal, menopausal, bitchy, & martyresque self she usually is. she & my dad had some lovely married for 30+ years moments too. my mom has also lost almost 30 pounds & i am really proud of her- she looks fantastic! i think that her mood has definitely been affected by that.
we came back today to hang out after some black friday shopping. i got a new work winter wardrobe & tom got sexy new jeans. that actually are stylish & show off his butt- which is one of my favorite parts of him ;o) my cousin (16 & just got his permit-ooh i feel old!) got that game with the guitar... and the heroes... so much fun- but so so hard! even my husband, who was a SIGNED MUSICIAN, sucked horribly. even i did better, but not by much. i think that there is a chip that was installed in all kids born after 1985 that enables them to instictively do better at all video games.. you would not believe that kids who have never even heard of KIS.S are playing "rock & roll- all night' like they were true rock gods. and social di.stortion is WAY too hard for me to handle!!!
all in all it was a really good holiday. except of course for the wonderful cuddly babies & moms & toddlers i saw all over the mall today. that made me a little sad. seeing the mom with the cute & cuddly little 4 month old in the sling while she held her cherubic little 3 year old's hand made me want for that so much. so we left the mall because i would have dwelled on what we DON"T have too much if we stayed. plus we definitely don't need to spend any more $$. and no one even asked when we were going to have kids or anything at dinner or today. so it was a good holiday & i think i can face christmas if it's anything like thanksgiving was.
we came back today to hang out after some black friday shopping. i got a new work winter wardrobe & tom got sexy new jeans. that actually are stylish & show off his butt- which is one of my favorite parts of him ;o) my cousin (16 & just got his permit-ooh i feel old!) got that game with the guitar... and the heroes... so much fun- but so so hard! even my husband, who was a SIGNED MUSICIAN, sucked horribly. even i did better, but not by much. i think that there is a chip that was installed in all kids born after 1985 that enables them to instictively do better at all video games.. you would not believe that kids who have never even heard of KIS.S are playing "rock & roll- all night' like they were true rock gods. and social di.stortion is WAY too hard for me to handle!!!
all in all it was a really good holiday. except of course for the wonderful cuddly babies & moms & toddlers i saw all over the mall today. that made me a little sad. seeing the mom with the cute & cuddly little 4 month old in the sling while she held her cherubic little 3 year old's hand made me want for that so much. so we left the mall because i would have dwelled on what we DON"T have too much if we stayed. plus we definitely don't need to spend any more $$. and no one even asked when we were going to have kids or anything at dinner or today. so it was a good holiday & i think i can face christmas if it's anything like thanksgiving was.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
thanks
i am not sure what i will say i am thankful for tomorrow. all i can think of right now is last year. tom & i picked out names on the way up to his folks house & back to pass the time. we dreamt big & made our plans for our soon to be arriving (HA HA HA) bundle of joy. how would we handle discipline, what kind of daycare would we go with, what color will we paint the nursery. we were so nervous that we wouldn't have time to finish the kitchen renovation AND do the nursery. how naive we were...
this thanksgiving i am (slightly) wiser. i can't plan for the future, but i can dream & wish dammit. is it alright to have a thanksgiving wish- if so i know i don't even have to say it. you already know what it is.
so... the things i AM thankful for (in no particular order):
this thanksgiving i am (slightly) wiser. i can't plan for the future, but i can dream & wish dammit. is it alright to have a thanksgiving wish- if so i know i don't even have to say it. you already know what it is.
so... the things i AM thankful for (in no particular order):
- wonderful friends - i am so lucky to have the lovely ladies of this there in-ter-net who support me & make me feel oh so happy when i see your wonderful comments on my blog! i am just as equally blessed to have friends around me who know me & love me for who i am. a surprising number know about how we have been trying- i just can't seem to keep my mouth shut about it!- and they are not only supportive & sympathetic, but they put up with the crazy, hormonal rages & periodic weep fests that have become my norm. and not a single one has said to 'just relax' or 'get drunk'. (although i have heard a mention or two about - 'well you can always adopt'... but i know they mean well. some even have a good amount of education about the IF world that means real conversations even though they are no where near being in my same position.
- my family- as much as my mom can drive us crazy- and believe me she has crazy covered (reminder to blog about this when fortified with copious amounts of red wine!) we have a pretty great family. from my cousin who knows we're trying & had her own troubles with her son- to my sister my rock my svesta. i can not even begin to explain how much she means to me and how much better my life is just because she is my sister.
- my job - as much as it drives me crazy & as bad as any job can get, i am lucky to work somewhere that i am proud to be a part of doing something that i really love. now if i can just feel like they believe in me as much as i believe in them we'll really have something!
- my husband - what words can be adequate here. none that i can think of. true love & companionship, strength & support, a total understanding of another person & no matter what- tyong your life to theirs & trusting in that completely. these are a few of the thoughts running through my mind & they don't even cut it.
- my furry kids - my 2 dogs & 1 cat. they just make me happy. chase is always, without fail, so excited to see me every day. i make his world better & i LOVE that!
- epicurious dot com. and these:
Gourmet December 2004
These moist, chewy cookies have an intense almond flavor.Makes about 3 dozen.
1/2 cup packed canned almond paste* (about 5 oz; not marzipan), coarsely crumbled
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup sugar
2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter, softened
1 large egg, separated
1 teaspoon almond extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sliced almonds (about 1 1/2 oz)
Pulse almond paste in a food processor until broken up into small bits, then add salt and 1/4 cup sugar and continue to pulse until finely ground, about 1 minute.
Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 350°F.Butter a 9-inch square baking pan, then line with foil, leaving a 2-inch overhang on 2 opposite sides, and butter foil.
Beat together butter and remaining 1/2 cup sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, about 3 minutes in a stand mixer (preferably fitted with a paddle attachment) or 6 minutes with a handheld.Add almond mixture, egg yolk, and almond extract and beat until combined well, about 2 minutes. Reduce speed to low, then add flour and mix until combined. Spread batter evenly in pan with an offset spatula. Lightly beat egg white in a small bowl, then brush some of it over batter and sprinkle evenly with almonds.
they are surprisingly easy, but the almond paste is pricy! almost $7 for a tube- but 2 tubes = 9 dozen or so cookies, so i think it's worth it. they are so decadent & delicious that it's totally worth it! plus your husband will stop in his tracks & worship you. at least until the bars are gone. i'm bringing them for thanksgiving dinner tomorrow & i hope i have enough...
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
what could be better
red wine, dark chocolate with mint, & a new do.
okay- so it's a york peppermint patty & a trim- but i'll still take it!
i am slowly feeling better. i think that i will try to (gulp) enjoy this cycle & the freedom of NOT knowing exactly what's going on at each moment & not obsess at all. and if hubby & i continue to enjoy a glass (or 2 or even 3) of wine a night with our surprisingly increasingly delicious dinners & continue to just enjoy each other- then everything else is bound to fall into place. right... of course right.
ps- even though it's just a trim- i rocked this one out! i always cut my hair myself- and trims are the hardest for me. it's just so easy to just chop it off. but i am trying very hard to grow my hair & haven't cut it in over 8 months. but alas- healthy hair needs trims. i'll have to post a pic & get your opinions- but i like it!
okay- so it's a york peppermint patty & a trim- but i'll still take it!
i am slowly feeling better. i think that i will try to (gulp) enjoy this cycle & the freedom of NOT knowing exactly what's going on at each moment & not obsess at all. and if hubby & i continue to enjoy a glass (or 2 or even 3) of wine a night with our surprisingly increasingly delicious dinners & continue to just enjoy each other- then everything else is bound to fall into place. right... of course right.
ps- even though it's just a trim- i rocked this one out! i always cut my hair myself- and trims are the hardest for me. it's just so easy to just chop it off. but i am trying very hard to grow my hair & haven't cut it in over 8 months. but alas- healthy hair needs trims. i'll have to post a pic & get your opinions- but i like it!
update- here's a few pics- now be kind- they were taken late & very quickly! plus you get to see my fun nerdy glasses!
Monday, November 19, 2007
i did it
i scheduled my appointment today. it's only with my primary doc- who is also my gyno- but i will get my annual pap in & at least discuss all the testing with her & get a game plan. i figure she can probably do the blood tests, but i have no clue about u-s, hsg's, post coital, etc tests.
i am nervous. when we started this day was always hypothetical- if we get to testing. now it's here! and i know that there is only so much we can do right now. my mind is racing with the new ifs.
i know i am thinking too far ahead right now- but i can't help it. i'm a type-a planner. i need to know these things so i can make plans for the possibility of them. i know i need to get through some tests before any more planning is even considered- and i promise to try. but today- today is all about every possibility running through my mind. today i get to freak out a little. after all- it's been a rough week- if i get it all out of my system now then i can just go through it. because it can't ever be as bad as i imagine it could be. and once it happens i will have thought of all the different options and worse case scenarios so that it's nothing to actually do it. hopefully i can stop thinking about it and just let it all unfold.
oh- i have also decided to not temp or opk this month. (at least i think i won't opk- i may still change my mind) with the cycle starting around thanksgiving & ending around christmas- i just don't need the hassle. i'd rather be preoccupied with coming up with creative & cheap gifts (any suggestions are welcome) and how to come up with some extra money to finish our kitchen for our gift to ourselves. i do still plan on having tons of sex at the approximate time- just in case a christmas miracle is possible for us.
i am nervous. when we started this day was always hypothetical- if we get to testing. now it's here! and i know that there is only so much we can do right now. my mind is racing with the new ifs.
- if i have an ovulation problem- i don't think i do except for ovulating late (and seemingly later every month) can we do medication. if so- how much is it & would it have any hope of being covered.
- if he has the problem what the heck are the options. i know that my insurance covers testing 100%- but only covers the underlying cause of infertility. and who knows what- if anything- that is & if the treatment is covered.
- if we are unexplained- does that mean we just try different things- clomid (or equivalent), IUI
tom is closing the shop- i am 94% sure by jan. 1st it will be no more. we don't know yet what he will be doing. after selling what he has to to make up the loss the shop has incurred- i don't know how long he really can be out looking for a new job. he's always come through- but we usually have a little cushion which is now long gone. he does have at least a month so hopefully something is figired out soon. but we only have one car & i have no clue how we would get another. and we need at least 4-6 months (after he gets a steady income) to recoup from this past year. which means that anything we may have to pay for out of pocket for treatment is automatically pushed back until we can pay off debts & save up for it if need be. which could be as soon as 6 months from now. but more likely 8 months to a year. because after this past year i can't take out a loan, i can't wrack up anything else on credit cards - especially since i had planned to have them paid of by this time & i've put $2-3K on them this year. not terrible for having less than half of our previous income to live off of, but still terrible to me. we need to be clear & then save up for treatment. and this would be hard to live with.
i know i am thinking too far ahead right now- but i can't help it. i'm a type-a planner. i need to know these things so i can make plans for the possibility of them. i know i need to get through some tests before any more planning is even considered- and i promise to try. but today- today is all about every possibility running through my mind. today i get to freak out a little. after all- it's been a rough week- if i get it all out of my system now then i can just go through it. because it can't ever be as bad as i imagine it could be. and once it happens i will have thought of all the different options and worse case scenarios so that it's nothing to actually do it. hopefully i can stop thinking about it and just let it all unfold.
oh- i have also decided to not temp or opk this month. (at least i think i won't opk- i may still change my mind) with the cycle starting around thanksgiving & ending around christmas- i just don't need the hassle. i'd rather be preoccupied with coming up with creative & cheap gifts (any suggestions are welcome) and how to come up with some extra money to finish our kitchen for our gift to ourselves. i do still plan on having tons of sex at the approximate time- just in case a christmas miracle is possible for us.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
#100
i just noticed that this is my 100th post.
today is (as usual) better than yesterday. but yesterday was bad. bad bad bad. i spent most of the day curled up alone on the couch crying over ric.e krispi.es & airline commercials. you know the ones that show moms & kids with sappy music that just say how freaking wonderful these moments are & how great it is to share them with your kids. except i don't have any. then tom came home early- because i'm pretty sure he IS closing up the shop by the new year- and we just cuddled on the couch for a while. which was lovely. but we were supposed to go out to a friend's house for a party so we got ready & got in the car to go get food. pull into the parking lot and i told him my thoughts- i don't even remember what exactly was said- but he responded to my query at his thoughts with a "i can't think about YOUR problems when i have enough of MINE right now." i was very upset (i still think understandibly so) that he thinks that our (possible) infertility is MY problem & the shop is HIS. i tend to think of them as OURS- both of them. so we fight. and it's ugly. thankfully we have perfected the form of fighting particular to us in the 11 years we've been together & it's over by the time we get back home. so we make up, turn around again & get some food.
then to our friend's house & it was exactly what we both needed. watching cheesy crappy movies- evil dead 2 & evil animals. hysterical. lots of wine & absolutely no mention or thoughts of starting (or not starting) a family. just enjoying the moment. oh- and pumpkin pie. yum.
so i don't know where this 100th post is - i don't know my own mood right now. i do know that i'm tired of thinking about this all the time. i'm tired of getting disappointed, of getting my hopes up & heart broken every month. i'm tired of telling my husband when we NEED to have sex & not just living my life carefree & enjoying every part of it. i'm tired of taking my temp every morning & worrying if i should start opk'ing yet. i guess i'm just tired of planning for something i can't control. i know what to do & it doesn't seem to work. i know what we could do if we get certain results back from testing- or even if we don't. but i also know that we have a lot more to work out right now. we can't afford to move forward very far with any sort of art right now if that is what is to come. not with his business closing. does this mean that we shouldn't try. that it would be irresponsible to even attempt to get pregnant right now. i'm not even sure.
because i also know that we are supposed to be parents. i know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine- better than fine- we'll flourish. i mean- we have so far. after a year of trying & a year of basically supporting us- i am stronger than i thought i was. i understand love & sacrifice in a way i never thought. but i also know disappointment & frustration. i know the meaning of 'out of our hands'. we can't control a lot in this life, but we can try our best. and that's about it. i know that i will never stop trying, i just can't imagine it. and someday (somehow) we will get our child. and our hard work will pay off. my husband will be happy at his career- whatever that ends up being. and all the tears are worth it in the end. so i hear.
so i guess i am just hoping to be less disappointed and less heartbroken. i am hoping to to feel secure & happy all the time- not just the moments i can put ttc out if my mind. i am hoping beyond hope that we get some good news soon. and until my hopes are realized i will try very hard to stay positive about life in general. and just keep trying.
today is (as usual) better than yesterday. but yesterday was bad. bad bad bad. i spent most of the day curled up alone on the couch crying over ric.e krispi.es & airline commercials. you know the ones that show moms & kids with sappy music that just say how freaking wonderful these moments are & how great it is to share them with your kids. except i don't have any. then tom came home early- because i'm pretty sure he IS closing up the shop by the new year- and we just cuddled on the couch for a while. which was lovely. but we were supposed to go out to a friend's house for a party so we got ready & got in the car to go get food. pull into the parking lot and i told him my thoughts- i don't even remember what exactly was said- but he responded to my query at his thoughts with a "i can't think about YOUR problems when i have enough of MINE right now." i was very upset (i still think understandibly so) that he thinks that our (possible) infertility is MY problem & the shop is HIS. i tend to think of them as OURS- both of them. so we fight. and it's ugly. thankfully we have perfected the form of fighting particular to us in the 11 years we've been together & it's over by the time we get back home. so we make up, turn around again & get some food.
then to our friend's house & it was exactly what we both needed. watching cheesy crappy movies- evil dead 2 & evil animals. hysterical. lots of wine & absolutely no mention or thoughts of starting (or not starting) a family. just enjoying the moment. oh- and pumpkin pie. yum.
so i don't know where this 100th post is - i don't know my own mood right now. i do know that i'm tired of thinking about this all the time. i'm tired of getting disappointed, of getting my hopes up & heart broken every month. i'm tired of telling my husband when we NEED to have sex & not just living my life carefree & enjoying every part of it. i'm tired of taking my temp every morning & worrying if i should start opk'ing yet. i guess i'm just tired of planning for something i can't control. i know what to do & it doesn't seem to work. i know what we could do if we get certain results back from testing- or even if we don't. but i also know that we have a lot more to work out right now. we can't afford to move forward very far with any sort of art right now if that is what is to come. not with his business closing. does this mean that we shouldn't try. that it would be irresponsible to even attempt to get pregnant right now. i'm not even sure.
because i also know that we are supposed to be parents. i know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine- better than fine- we'll flourish. i mean- we have so far. after a year of trying & a year of basically supporting us- i am stronger than i thought i was. i understand love & sacrifice in a way i never thought. but i also know disappointment & frustration. i know the meaning of 'out of our hands'. we can't control a lot in this life, but we can try our best. and that's about it. i know that i will never stop trying, i just can't imagine it. and someday (somehow) we will get our child. and our hard work will pay off. my husband will be happy at his career- whatever that ends up being. and all the tears are worth it in the end. so i hear.
so i guess i am just hoping to be less disappointed and less heartbroken. i am hoping to to feel secure & happy all the time- not just the moments i can put ttc out if my mind. i am hoping beyond hope that we get some good news soon. and until my hopes are realized i will try very hard to stay positive about life in general. and just keep trying.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
it looks like i was wrong
my O day was most likely cd22 & spot arrived today- af will be here is full force by the end of the day. Officially on to cycle 13. our year is up.* today just sucks all around. i am so pissed off about life in general. i want tom's shop to stop failing & actually make us some money so i can stop worrying & we can get the room mate out. it's not that i hate the room mate- i just want my house back. i want to go to my bathroom & not be disgusted because he doesn't clean up the toilet after himself. seriously grossed out today. i did say something, hopefully it worked & my bathroom is sanitary again.
i want my husband back. i want him to be able to pay bills like i know he wants to. i want him to not feel like a failure because he has a bad business partner. i want to feel safe. i want to hold my baby in my arms. dammit- i just want to have my happy family. i just don't feel like i have too much to be thankful for today. i know i do, but it's excaped my mind.
* i still don't think that we truly deserve a technical 'infertile' diagnosis yet. the first two months we tried we had such horrible timing that i don't know how i could possibly really count them. but i will schedule my appointment with my pcp & get what testing she does done & move on. because in the scheme of things does 2 months really matter- we've had at least 8 months- 8 tries with PERFECT timing. while i really truly do know that 8 tries= nothing- it just doesn't make sense not to start testing now. i already put it off as it is & i might as well do what i can. i just really didn't want to make it here. i wanted to be one of the lucky ones.
i was talking to my best friend & i think we summed it up perfectly- why couldn't i just get a surprise pregnancy without trying- but with the knowledge & understanding that a year of trying brings... because i think that any pregnancy i have now will be treasured & loved with every bit of my being. every nauseous moment, every waddle, every extra pound & every bit of swelling & discomfort will be beautiful to me. i will probably complain- i mean who doesn't- but it will be with true love & gratitude that i get to complain. because i know that i'm lucky just to get that.
update- within 10 minutes of writing this af is here full force. i hate this so much. i know today is going to be spent crying in my pj's. hope fucking sucks.
i want my husband back. i want him to be able to pay bills like i know he wants to. i want him to not feel like a failure because he has a bad business partner. i want to feel safe. i want to hold my baby in my arms. dammit- i just want to have my happy family. i just don't feel like i have too much to be thankful for today. i know i do, but it's excaped my mind.
* i still don't think that we truly deserve a technical 'infertile' diagnosis yet. the first two months we tried we had such horrible timing that i don't know how i could possibly really count them. but i will schedule my appointment with my pcp & get what testing she does done & move on. because in the scheme of things does 2 months really matter- we've had at least 8 months- 8 tries with PERFECT timing. while i really truly do know that 8 tries= nothing- it just doesn't make sense not to start testing now. i already put it off as it is & i might as well do what i can. i just really didn't want to make it here. i wanted to be one of the lucky ones.
i was talking to my best friend & i think we summed it up perfectly- why couldn't i just get a surprise pregnancy without trying- but with the knowledge & understanding that a year of trying brings... because i think that any pregnancy i have now will be treasured & loved with every bit of my being. every nauseous moment, every waddle, every extra pound & every bit of swelling & discomfort will be beautiful to me. i will probably complain- i mean who doesn't- but it will be with true love & gratitude that i get to complain. because i know that i'm lucky just to get that.
update- within 10 minutes of writing this af is here full force. i hate this so much. i know today is going to be spent crying in my pj's. hope fucking sucks.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
quote of the day
said by my hubby after i woke up, looked at my temp & told him it was UP!!
"good- i hope that stupid test was wrong & your pee juice just didn't like it"
reason 135,876 why i love him- at 6 am he says things like that to make me start my day with a smile. and he's been so vocal about his hope for this cycle. even if it ends i will be grateful that we feel finally feel like a real team in this. i don't want him disappointed & heartbroken like i can get, but it's nice to know that he really is invested & committed & thinking about things like pee juice.
ps- today is our one year anniversary of trying. one year ago was the first time we took the plunge. i don't even know right now where my thoughts are on the current state of affairs- so i'm reflecting on the past year. it has been a lot of down, a couple ups, and overall i am thankful for the exoerience & change in myself, my husband & our relationship. that which does not kill us & all that. I know we understand each other better than ever before and after 11 years it's nice to know we can still grow together. this year has had it's share of disappointment & heartache, hardships & fights. but it's also had a lot of funny, warm, loving & happy moments too. after a year we are still trying, but we are trying together & we'll get there eventually. i don't know when or even how- but we'll be parents & danm good ones too.
"good- i hope that stupid test was wrong & your pee juice just didn't like it"
reason 135,876 why i love him- at 6 am he says things like that to make me start my day with a smile. and he's been so vocal about his hope for this cycle. even if it ends i will be grateful that we feel finally feel like a real team in this. i don't want him disappointed & heartbroken like i can get, but it's nice to know that he really is invested & committed & thinking about things like pee juice.
ps- today is our one year anniversary of trying. one year ago was the first time we took the plunge. i don't even know right now where my thoughts are on the current state of affairs- so i'm reflecting on the past year. it has been a lot of down, a couple ups, and overall i am thankful for the exoerience & change in myself, my husband & our relationship. that which does not kill us & all that. I know we understand each other better than ever before and after 11 years it's nice to know we can still grow together. this year has had it's share of disappointment & heartache, hardships & fights. but it's also had a lot of funny, warm, loving & happy moments too. after a year we are still trying, but we are trying together & we'll get there eventually. i don't know when or even how- but we'll be parents & danm good ones too.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
and the verdict is
a complete and total negative.
i woke up at least 15 times before the alarm was set to go off- so i can't even look at today's temp. ran to the bathroom only to see the starkest negative. a quick cp check tells me that af is not showing up today either.
so now i just wait. i highly doubt that i am one of those women you hear about that never get a positive test & are still pregnant. but maybe i'm just under the limit for the one i took. i know it's clinging, but i really thought i'd see that second line today.
i woke up at least 15 times before the alarm was set to go off- so i can't even look at today's temp. ran to the bathroom only to see the starkest negative. a quick cp check tells me that af is not showing up today either.
so now i just wait. i highly doubt that i am one of those women you hear about that never get a positive test & are still pregnant. but maybe i'm just under the limit for the one i took. i know it's clinging, but i really thought i'd see that second line today.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
killing time
this is tough- i want so much to supress hope because i know my mind-body connection is strong. i don't want the false symptoms & subsequent hope crushing dissapointment, but i don't have many symptoms right now at all. i feel full- especially right after eating even if it's not much. i have very mild cramps occasionally- yesterday i put it off to eating some b&j creme brulee ice cream (fyi- that stuff is dangerous for a creme brulee lover!). i am kind of cranky & really tired- like falling asleep at 8 tired. but i've had some long days. and it's not like cramps & irritability aren't normal before af.
but- even with my lack of sypmtoms & fear of hope- here she is. it's currently 13 dpo & believe me af is not showing up today. i had dreams all night about testing- i actually tested at work & peed on my hand, but got a positive & didn't care. i was at a train station with my parents & got text messages from my ladies asking why i wouldn't just test already!
and i will- i promise i will tomorrow. i don't have the willpower (or need) to wait until thursday. but i am a little scared that the lack of symptoms really means i messed up on my assumption it was a cd18 ovulation & it's really cd20. that would make me only 11 dpo today & no sign of AF would be normal. i just really hate the bfn's & i promised myself (and my concerned hubby) after last time that i wouldn't test again until i was actually late. i am just having some doubts about my doubts! i want to make sure that yes i am really late & not fooling myself again. plus- to be completely 100% honest, i am a little freaked out that i WILL see a second line tomorrow morning. after a year how will i believe it's real... you'll all have to give me a few slaps in the face. which you probably want to do anyway since i keep whining about testing! ;o)
m- i was a good good girl this am- but looking at my temp i am pretty sure if i wait until tomorrow morning it will be a miracle! be ready for an early text- even if it's not good news.
but- even with my lack of sypmtoms & fear of hope- here she is. it's currently 13 dpo & believe me af is not showing up today. i had dreams all night about testing- i actually tested at work & peed on my hand, but got a positive & didn't care. i was at a train station with my parents & got text messages from my ladies asking why i wouldn't just test already!
and i will- i promise i will tomorrow. i don't have the willpower (or need) to wait until thursday. but i am a little scared that the lack of symptoms really means i messed up on my assumption it was a cd18 ovulation & it's really cd20. that would make me only 11 dpo today & no sign of AF would be normal. i just really hate the bfn's & i promised myself (and my concerned hubby) after last time that i wouldn't test again until i was actually late. i am just having some doubts about my doubts! i want to make sure that yes i am really late & not fooling myself again. plus- to be completely 100% honest, i am a little freaked out that i WILL see a second line tomorrow morning. after a year how will i believe it's real... you'll all have to give me a few slaps in the face. which you probably want to do anyway since i keep whining about testing! ;o)
m- i was a good good girl this am- but looking at my temp i am pretty sure if i wait until tomorrow morning it will be a miracle! be ready for an early text- even if it's not good news.
Monday, November 12, 2007
things that make me go hmmmm
temps are still way up. in the low 98's (which for me is still way up). i think today is 12dpo (according to ff), but it could be only 10dpo if my weird random low temp on day 20 was in fact O day. which i highly doubt because i did have a - opk & none of my other signs were there- quite the opposite in fact. but i don't want to hope because it's very very dangerous. so- my thoughts are that i wait until at thursday to test. that way if it was cd 20 i would be at 13 dpo which is around when af shows up. if it really was cd 18 like i tend to think i will be 15 dpo & that in & of itself could convince me. since i have never had anything longer than a 14 day lp in a year.
plus i am totally sentimental & thursday marks a year of trying. so if i make it that long there'd be a good chance of getting a bfp for our 'anniversary'. but if i don't then af & i will be celebrating with red wine. lots of it.
aargh- i'm actually a little nervous- distracting myself for the next few days will be tough...
plus i am totally sentimental & thursday marks a year of trying. so if i make it that long there'd be a good chance of getting a bfp for our 'anniversary'. but if i don't then af & i will be celebrating with red wine. lots of it.
aargh- i'm actually a little nervous- distracting myself for the next few days will be tough...
Saturday, November 10, 2007
today's doings
cd28, 10 dpo (or 11 if i am correct in my assumptions), temp up just a little higher still, and 2 housewarmings to go to.
keeping my mind occupied comes in waves & goes far away while asleep. i remember my very vivid dreams normally- so that's not new, but the crazy sex dreams are. as well as the multiple baby dreams every night. usually my dreams are a release, a santuary from ttc. but this week they have been all baby all the time. a few nights ago i had a great big beautiful bump. last night i was telling this random super hot guy that my hubby & i were seperated because we couldn't have kids. then we got it on.
weird. oh- hubby also had some weird 'indecent p.rposal' thing going on where he gave me away for money. i yelled at him for it when i woke up. he laughed at my silliness.
keeping my mind occupied comes in waves & goes far away while asleep. i remember my very vivid dreams normally- so that's not new, but the crazy sex dreams are. as well as the multiple baby dreams every night. usually my dreams are a release, a santuary from ttc. but this week they have been all baby all the time. a few nights ago i had a great big beautiful bump. last night i was telling this random super hot guy that my hubby & i were seperated because we couldn't have kids. then we got it on.
weird. oh- hubby also had some weird 'indecent p.rposal' thing going on where he gave me away for money. i yelled at him for it when i woke up. he laughed at my silliness.
Friday, November 9, 2007
distractions
does it count as distraction to search ff for pregnancy charts like mine? i don't think so. not that my chart is anything really special. but today's temp is the highest temp at this point i've gotten in the past 4 months. i just wish that actually meant something. so i'm not alone in obsessing- here's the last 4 months overlaid on this month. this cycle is the light blue:
sorry it's such a crappy image- it's the best i can do on my crappy computer. anyway- i swear i'm not really obsessing- really! my O-date has been questioned by ff about 4 or 5 times & the only reason i even have solid crosshairs is that i took out day 17's negative opk. my immediate 'post-o' temps are low & flat. but... i want this to be the cycle so badly that i find myself running downstairs every morning to plug in my temp. hoping to see some magical sign pop up from ff that says "congrats- your temps say you did it!"
ah well- we all know that doesn't happen & even pretty charts don't mean bfp's. my wonky charts mean more fuel for my testing. and that's ok. i guess.
the good news today is that i have definitely noticed a difference in how i handle stress. an incedent happened on wednesday at work that had me right back to my anxious & stressed out state- for about an hour. then i forced myself to calm down & let go. and it was so much better. i ignored the attitude from my manager (or at least didn't let it bother me), and decided that while i had made a mistake, it's not the end of the world & everything worked out just fine. it's all about how you handle your problems & how you fix your f-ups, right? so even if this cycle is a total bust- it's really not. i stressed much less & o'ed at my 'normal' time. (at least i thinkk i did!) i have hope again, but not crazy-i swear i'm pregnant-here are all my symptoms- hope. and i do feel pretty okay about getting testing started. i still think that with my surgery last year & the first two cycles of trying being pathetic attempts due to their horrendous timing- i am still well within the normal time frame. who'd of thunk that a year later i would be okay with this taking longer than a year? it's surprising to see so clearly how you can change.
sorry it's such a crappy image- it's the best i can do on my crappy computer. anyway- i swear i'm not really obsessing- really! my O-date has been questioned by ff about 4 or 5 times & the only reason i even have solid crosshairs is that i took out day 17's negative opk. my immediate 'post-o' temps are low & flat. but... i want this to be the cycle so badly that i find myself running downstairs every morning to plug in my temp. hoping to see some magical sign pop up from ff that says "congrats- your temps say you did it!"
ah well- we all know that doesn't happen & even pretty charts don't mean bfp's. my wonky charts mean more fuel for my testing. and that's ok. i guess.
the good news today is that i have definitely noticed a difference in how i handle stress. an incedent happened on wednesday at work that had me right back to my anxious & stressed out state- for about an hour. then i forced myself to calm down & let go. and it was so much better. i ignored the attitude from my manager (or at least didn't let it bother me), and decided that while i had made a mistake, it's not the end of the world & everything worked out just fine. it's all about how you handle your problems & how you fix your f-ups, right? so even if this cycle is a total bust- it's really not. i stressed much less & o'ed at my 'normal' time. (at least i thinkk i did!) i have hope again, but not crazy-i swear i'm pregnant-here are all my symptoms- hope. and i do feel pretty okay about getting testing started. i still think that with my surgery last year & the first two cycles of trying being pathetic attempts due to their horrendous timing- i am still well within the normal time frame. who'd of thunk that a year later i would be okay with this taking longer than a year? it's surprising to see so clearly how you can change.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
8 random things
as i have been prompted by farah to tell you 8 random facts about me, here goes:
1. i can move my eyes independently of each other. it's totally useless as you really don't see much different than being cross-eyed, but it does freak people out at parties.
2. i am a giant dork. my dorkiness goes far beyond killing at jeopardy (which i totally do) to the realm of getting awards for good attendance during school. i am proud that i am intelligent & dedicated. i take it in stride that that includes a penchant for being prompt, for knowing an obscure answer when no one else even cares about the question. i'm proud that i got awards for best foreign language student in college (for japanese no less).
3. i only have one kidney. some may know some may not. it was taken last august after almost developing septicemia (sp) from a congenital defect that was missed for 26 years. i worry that if (when) i do get pregnant that my child will have this same defect. fortunately for him-her, it is now diagnosed in the womb via ultrasound and can be corrected as soon as 6 months old. i still wouldn't want to have to see my child go through surgery.
4. my husband & i are high school sweethearts. we dated for a month when i was 14. yup-14. we broke up & it broke my heart. when we got back together i knew it was for good. we broke up 4 years later, but we found each other yet again in 7 months. we've been together ever since. we were engaged on our 8 year anniversary & married for almost 3. that's 11 years total being together. in just 5 more years we will have been together for over half my life. oh- and he's the only man i have ever slept with. ever.
5. my hair has been every shade of the rainbow except for platinum, blue or black. i've had green, orange, purple , red, and even hot pink the first half of my senior year of college- that was my favorite & i rocked it good! i miss having the freedom to do that, but now that my hair is back to natural & healthy i am going to leave it. even though i am seeing more grays every day. i'm just going to let it go.
6. obsessive compulsive or anxiety disorders may run in my family. my dad definitely has some sort of compulsion to save everything, my sister's sleep disorder is most likely in the anxiety disorder family, and i have to separate my m&m's, or other such multi-colored candy that comes in packages, by color & eat them in a specific order. not quite a diagnosis, but a little weird. i also get very anxious in certain situations- confrontation, discipline, or being in a thrift store on the wrong day. i'm sure that if i went to see a psychiatrist i could easily get a prescription.
7. i don't believe in medicine. not in the science is evil & medicine is not needed, prayer, vitamin's & cold showers can cure you scientol.ogy definition. but i don't like to take antibiotics if i just have a cold, i suffer through a headache rather than take aspirin, a sore throat has to be pretty bad to take some nyqui.l. i will take something on the first day of af if the cramps are bad, but that's really it. i don't get sick too often, especially now that i don't smoke anymore. i used to get bronchitis every year, but since i quit (2 years next months) nothing. i just don't like to take medication unless i really know what it's doing.
8. in case it hasn't become blatantly obvious- i am an over planner. i like to plan everything. when tom & i decided to start trying to have kids it was 2 weeks before thanksgiving. by the drive back from turkey day with the fam, we had names picked out. over the course of a year the girl's name has changed a little, but the boy's stays the same. i know what the nursery might look like- the bedding i want, the colors since i think we might not be finding out what we're having (but i might be too much of an over planner NOT to know!) i knew what my wedding would be like about a month after i got asked. i love to plan. i love to think through what could be before it even happens. but i hate having to wait for what i've planned to happen. it can get dissapointing to have thought about something in such detail for so long & it's still not there yet. but i'm sure you all already know this.
well- there are 8 random things about me. this definitely did keep me occupied for a bit.
1. i can move my eyes independently of each other. it's totally useless as you really don't see much different than being cross-eyed, but it does freak people out at parties.
2. i am a giant dork. my dorkiness goes far beyond killing at jeopardy (which i totally do) to the realm of getting awards for good attendance during school. i am proud that i am intelligent & dedicated. i take it in stride that that includes a penchant for being prompt, for knowing an obscure answer when no one else even cares about the question. i'm proud that i got awards for best foreign language student in college (for japanese no less).
3. i only have one kidney. some may know some may not. it was taken last august after almost developing septicemia (sp) from a congenital defect that was missed for 26 years. i worry that if (when) i do get pregnant that my child will have this same defect. fortunately for him-her, it is now diagnosed in the womb via ultrasound and can be corrected as soon as 6 months old. i still wouldn't want to have to see my child go through surgery.
4. my husband & i are high school sweethearts. we dated for a month when i was 14. yup-14. we broke up & it broke my heart. when we got back together i knew it was for good. we broke up 4 years later, but we found each other yet again in 7 months. we've been together ever since. we were engaged on our 8 year anniversary & married for almost 3. that's 11 years total being together. in just 5 more years we will have been together for over half my life. oh- and he's the only man i have ever slept with. ever.
5. my hair has been every shade of the rainbow except for platinum, blue or black. i've had green, orange, purple , red, and even hot pink the first half of my senior year of college- that was my favorite & i rocked it good! i miss having the freedom to do that, but now that my hair is back to natural & healthy i am going to leave it. even though i am seeing more grays every day. i'm just going to let it go.
6. obsessive compulsive or anxiety disorders may run in my family. my dad definitely has some sort of compulsion to save everything, my sister's sleep disorder is most likely in the anxiety disorder family, and i have to separate my m&m's, or other such multi-colored candy that comes in packages, by color & eat them in a specific order. not quite a diagnosis, but a little weird. i also get very anxious in certain situations- confrontation, discipline, or being in a thrift store on the wrong day. i'm sure that if i went to see a psychiatrist i could easily get a prescription.
7. i don't believe in medicine. not in the science is evil & medicine is not needed, prayer, vitamin's & cold showers can cure you scientol.ogy definition. but i don't like to take antibiotics if i just have a cold, i suffer through a headache rather than take aspirin, a sore throat has to be pretty bad to take some nyqui.l. i will take something on the first day of af if the cramps are bad, but that's really it. i don't get sick too often, especially now that i don't smoke anymore. i used to get bronchitis every year, but since i quit (2 years next months) nothing. i just don't like to take medication unless i really know what it's doing.
8. in case it hasn't become blatantly obvious- i am an over planner. i like to plan everything. when tom & i decided to start trying to have kids it was 2 weeks before thanksgiving. by the drive back from turkey day with the fam, we had names picked out. over the course of a year the girl's name has changed a little, but the boy's stays the same. i know what the nursery might look like- the bedding i want, the colors since i think we might not be finding out what we're having (but i might be too much of an over planner NOT to know!) i knew what my wedding would be like about a month after i got asked. i love to plan. i love to think through what could be before it even happens. but i hate having to wait for what i've planned to happen. it can get dissapointing to have thought about something in such detail for so long & it's still not there yet. but i'm sure you all already know this.
well- there are 8 random things about me. this definitely did keep me occupied for a bit.
the usual
i am just waiting around again. my chart is a little funky (again) this month- i never got anything even close to a positive opk, but i started late & only took 3. according to my usual signs & temps i would put myself at cd17. ff says maybe cd18. unless of course i keep the one really weird low temp from cd20- then that's the day. i discarded it because all other signs were off for that day & i was sick & really didn't sleep. so i am officially a chart tamperer. at least for that day. i feel pretty confident about cd17- heck even day 18's timing was decent.
so now i just wait again. i should test in a week, but if i go that long i might just wait until the 15th. that is our year anniversary of the first time we had sex to "try". it's a little weird that i remember that day, but maybe not so unusual. i am trying very hard not to give in to any supposed symptoms- and believe me there is nothing i haven't felt before. but wouldn't it be such a nice way to celebrate a year of trying- with two lines & no champagne...
oh well- until next week i'm just trying to stay occupied & not think too much about it. it's not too bad during the day, but myh dreams have been all about me being pregnant. i've had 3 dreams this week with an ever increasing belly. stupid mind playing mean tricks on me!
so now i just wait again. i should test in a week, but if i go that long i might just wait until the 15th. that is our year anniversary of the first time we had sex to "try". it's a little weird that i remember that day, but maybe not so unusual. i am trying very hard not to give in to any supposed symptoms- and believe me there is nothing i haven't felt before. but wouldn't it be such a nice way to celebrate a year of trying- with two lines & no champagne...
oh well- until next week i'm just trying to stay occupied & not think too much about it. it's not too bad during the day, but myh dreams have been all about me being pregnant. i've had 3 dreams this week with an ever increasing belly. stupid mind playing mean tricks on me!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
good times that do good
first off- my computer is back!!!! YAY!!!!
today tom & i went to the a.b.a.t.e. toy run downtown. it's an annual motorcycle run for the children's hospital of philadelphia. the only rule is that you show up on your bike, trike, scooter, whatever, with a new unwrapped toy. then you ride from delaware ave to c.hop in university cit.y. it was amazing. we took the trike & were one of maybe 6,000 bikes. here's some photos from the chestnut street overpass.
ahead of us:
and behind:
today tom & i went to the a.b.a.t.e. toy run downtown. it's an annual motorcycle run for the children's hospital of philadelphia. the only rule is that you show up on your bike, trike, scooter, whatever, with a new unwrapped toy. then you ride from delaware ave to c.hop in university cit.y. it was amazing. we took the trike & were one of maybe 6,000 bikes. here's some photos from the chestnut street overpass.
ahead of us:
and behind:
we got there around 10 & took off at noon. there were so many sick bikes & it was pretty cool just walking around. you could definitely feel the warm fuzzy's in the air. all of the toys raised at this event are for sick kids at the children's hospital- i think it's the only drive they do for the holidays. we brought a brat.z doll, some motorcycle fake tattoos, and a honda valkyrie model (especially cool since the trike is built on a valkerie platform)
here's the hub & i before we took off (aren't we cute with our matching hats & sunglasses...):
i had a great time & it was very rewarding to see the kids when we got to the end & dropped our toys off. that part was a little too rushed in my opinion- but i can see why you would want to herd a few thousand people through quickly.
we got lunch & relaxed on the couch when we got home. oh- and i was the one to finish fixing my computer- once tom repaired whatever was preventing me from doing it myself that is! i'll leave you with a few other shots from the day.
Friday, November 2, 2007
some harmless fun
You Are The Lovers |
 You represent ideal love: innocence, trust, exhilaration and joy. You demonstrate the harmony of opposites, two sides coming together. At times, you also represent the struggle between what is right and what is tempting. Control is an issue for you, especially when you don't know your reasons for choosing something. Your fortune: You have an important choice you need to make about love, and it will be a difficult choice to make. You are likely struggling between the love you crave and the love that is right. In the end, you will choose what you crave, even if it's bad for you. Because without what you crave, you will feel empty and incomplete. |
interesting. of course i think it's totally arbitrary computer code, but still cute and fun - right?
thanks to nancy this was a good fun distraction!
2nd happiness challenge
week one: i'm trying to nail down a consistent time. afternoon's are a whirl of coming home, getting dinner, catching up with tom & the pups. early mornings are too rushed since i love my sleep- getting up early is not easy! finally decide on sometime between 7:30 & 8pm. tom ironically brings up the fact that i 'need to relax' (don't worry- i let him have it for that one)the rest of this week is pretty much a bust as far as a set 10 minutes of meditation. but i have been more relaxed (ha ha). i've been taking moments for myself whenever i can. i am letting my thoughts go instead of allowing them to run around in my head. a night out on the trike with tom did wonders for me. nothing to think of except for holding on tight & the wind on my face. i'm going to try to keep up at least with letting go (how funny does that sound!) hopefully getting back into my 10 minute meditation routine.
week two: miserable failure in the technical challenge. i have not spent a single 10 minute period in actual meditation. but i am far less stressed overall. i am forcing myself to chill out about certain things & i am letting go with others. this week is all about friendships & the moments that really count. the love & caring of a true friend really makes everything seem like it's all going to be okay- no matter what.and this is despite a torturous wait for an anxiety ridden mandatory company meeting. bets are being taken that range from 'layoffs are coming', 'we had a horrible month & need to do better', 'we are going out & selling & getting more work- so don't worry'. who knows. only time will tell. hopefully my relaxed mindset will keep going. what's the worst that can happen- i'm out a job when i am supporting my husband. so- i get another one, right? it's not the worst that could happen.
week three: meeting was actually okay. it had nothing at all to do with any part of anything i had f-ed up & yes- our numbers sucked. we have to be better at communication & quality control. such hard things to do when you are running at full throttle on a project because deadlines have you stuck in go, go, go mode. but- phew- no ulcer inducing moments.the rest of this week is a blur- as is week four. absolutely no meditation has happened. i did go for an hour & a half drive to pick up my sister which afforded some nice quiet moments with just me & my thoughts. not really meditation, but about as close as i have actually gotten.i am not counting the happiness challenge as a complete failure though. i am feeling much better overall. although nothing has changed in the ttc front, or for my hubby's shop, i am relaxed. i am taking things as they come & i have seemed to stop (or at least cut down) a lot of stress. work is like a different place. i'm more confident & centeres about my place in this firm & on my team. i do believe again that we will be parents, maybe even on our own. i have found a kind of peace in this journey where hearing things like "you guys should have kids soon", and "when is it time for you guys to pop out a few" no longer make me want to burst into tears. i actually am biting my tongue to keep from spilling the whole year long story. i figure that's just way too big a step right now, but i feel like it's right there.
i am getting ready. ready for a new life. hopefully its as a mom, but if it isn't then i hope i am confident & happy enough in my life as it is that i can say it loud & proud.this month has shown me that i can be strong & i can be centered. it's okay to let things go & life will work out. it may not be how i want or according to my own timeline, but i will be okay. no matter what my life brings i will have a fantastic life that is full & rich with wonderful friends & family. i have so much to appreciate right now & to be grateful for. i am thankful for this month & even though i technically failed in meditating every day, i think that this challenge will be counted as a resounding success.
week two: miserable failure in the technical challenge. i have not spent a single 10 minute period in actual meditation. but i am far less stressed overall. i am forcing myself to chill out about certain things & i am letting go with others. this week is all about friendships & the moments that really count. the love & caring of a true friend really makes everything seem like it's all going to be okay- no matter what.and this is despite a torturous wait for an anxiety ridden mandatory company meeting. bets are being taken that range from 'layoffs are coming', 'we had a horrible month & need to do better', 'we are going out & selling & getting more work- so don't worry'. who knows. only time will tell. hopefully my relaxed mindset will keep going. what's the worst that can happen- i'm out a job when i am supporting my husband. so- i get another one, right? it's not the worst that could happen.
week three: meeting was actually okay. it had nothing at all to do with any part of anything i had f-ed up & yes- our numbers sucked. we have to be better at communication & quality control. such hard things to do when you are running at full throttle on a project because deadlines have you stuck in go, go, go mode. but- phew- no ulcer inducing moments.the rest of this week is a blur- as is week four. absolutely no meditation has happened. i did go for an hour & a half drive to pick up my sister which afforded some nice quiet moments with just me & my thoughts. not really meditation, but about as close as i have actually gotten.i am not counting the happiness challenge as a complete failure though. i am feeling much better overall. although nothing has changed in the ttc front, or for my hubby's shop, i am relaxed. i am taking things as they come & i have seemed to stop (or at least cut down) a lot of stress. work is like a different place. i'm more confident & centeres about my place in this firm & on my team. i do believe again that we will be parents, maybe even on our own. i have found a kind of peace in this journey where hearing things like "you guys should have kids soon", and "when is it time for you guys to pop out a few" no longer make me want to burst into tears. i actually am biting my tongue to keep from spilling the whole year long story. i figure that's just way too big a step right now, but i feel like it's right there.
i am getting ready. ready for a new life. hopefully its as a mom, but if it isn't then i hope i am confident & happy enough in my life as it is that i can say it loud & proud.this month has shown me that i can be strong & i can be centered. it's okay to let things go & life will work out. it may not be how i want or according to my own timeline, but i will be okay. no matter what my life brings i will have a fantastic life that is full & rich with wonderful friends & family. i have so much to appreciate right now & to be grateful for. i am thankful for this month & even though i technically failed in meditating every day, i think that this challenge will be counted as a resounding success.
technology sucks
my computer is still not working. luckily my roommate- he of the now neutered but still too feisty to let be out bulldog, has let me use his this evening.
my cycle is as confusing as last month. i have either ovulated on cd12 (if my temp jumps up about .6 degrees tomorrow) or cd 17 (based on cm & previous temps), or not at all (if my temp is wonky again tomorrow & low). I have completely given up & whatever will happen will happen. it would be great if it was cd17 because that would have been 'normal time (for me) & pretty decent timing for hubby & i. if it was cd12 i would be nervous about the freaky short wait to ovulate & if it hasn't happened yet i would be worried about another stress induced 'old egg'. even though stress was almost non-existent this month. i figure if i don't know by next week i'll just pretend i ovulated on cd17 & keep up the fun night time loving just in case.
my life has been very full & busy & happy lately- so i am actually okay with not being pregnant this month. as odd as it sounds, ttc is fading to the background for the moment. i don't know if it's because i love fall & halloween & i got to spend time with my sister & my job is going pretty great right now & my hubby is sweet & loving (mostly). maybe it's because life is full & busy & i just don't have time to worry about it right now.
maybe i'm just really good at deluding myself. i know i still want to be pregnant more than anything. i want those 2 perfect little lines & the full belly & the happy blissfull moment when you know your baby is moving in you & then when you look at their sweet face for the first time. so if the delusion that i am okay with not having that right now is stronger- it's probably because i have to be deluded. i have to be able to hope that we will create life. i also have to just let it go until i can get tested & know if there is even a reason. but until then i have to take these next few months as they come & just hope that all the tests & poking & prodding won't be needed. but in case they are i must as well get used to some patience because i think i'll need it.
my cycle is as confusing as last month. i have either ovulated on cd12 (if my temp jumps up about .6 degrees tomorrow) or cd 17 (based on cm & previous temps), or not at all (if my temp is wonky again tomorrow & low). I have completely given up & whatever will happen will happen. it would be great if it was cd17 because that would have been 'normal time (for me) & pretty decent timing for hubby & i. if it was cd12 i would be nervous about the freaky short wait to ovulate & if it hasn't happened yet i would be worried about another stress induced 'old egg'. even though stress was almost non-existent this month. i figure if i don't know by next week i'll just pretend i ovulated on cd17 & keep up the fun night time loving just in case.
my life has been very full & busy & happy lately- so i am actually okay with not being pregnant this month. as odd as it sounds, ttc is fading to the background for the moment. i don't know if it's because i love fall & halloween & i got to spend time with my sister & my job is going pretty great right now & my hubby is sweet & loving (mostly). maybe it's because life is full & busy & i just don't have time to worry about it right now.
maybe i'm just really good at deluding myself. i know i still want to be pregnant more than anything. i want those 2 perfect little lines & the full belly & the happy blissfull moment when you know your baby is moving in you & then when you look at their sweet face for the first time. so if the delusion that i am okay with not having that right now is stronger- it's probably because i have to be deluded. i have to be able to hope that we will create life. i also have to just let it go until i can get tested & know if there is even a reason. but until then i have to take these next few months as they come & just hope that all the tests & poking & prodding won't be needed. but in case they are i must as well get used to some patience because i think i'll need it.
Monday, October 29, 2007
still here
well- short version since i have to leave work:
- party was so much fun & hanging with my sis was fantastic!
- loved carving pumpkins- here's a few:
- tom still hasn't gone to the doctor, the shop is not doing great & he's considering closing it up. so- not great, but we'll see what happens. i am still not stressing about things & attempting to take it easy & one day at a time. besides- he has always worked hard & i want him to figure this one out without my input. part of me thinks it would be great to have the stable job & steady income, company paid health insurance & a normal 5 day work week. but i also love him to death & want him to be happy. i don't want him to ever think he 'failed'. this is starting to get away from me & i will come back, but i need to finish my update post!
- when i entered all my temps in today after almost a week (eek!) ff gave me crosshairs at cd 12, then took them away today. if my temp jumps again tomorrow it will say that cd12 was the day. i had ewcm starting that day, or maybe the day before (can't remember), and we did get it on, but i would be completely shocked. that would make me 5 dpo tomorrow- when i would usually be about to ovulate. so who knows. i have no hope for these next few cycles before they even happen, so to me it's just interesting to think i would have ovulated so early. i probably haven't, but it's interesting to think so.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
technical difficulties
do not adjust your screen- i am currently experiencing some internet 'issues'. i can't use it at home right now since my computer is hitting the fan as we speak. i have to wait for it to be fixed- which could take another couple days. i really can't use it for this at work- but i just wanted to leave a quick update.
things are crawling along- work is fine- starting to get a little busy. we have our halloween party on saturday & my sis is comingup to stay with me for the weekend. tom & i are still the ramon.es & she is nico- from the velvet un.derground. i will post some pics as soon aas long as my computer is back. it should be really fun- i'm starting to really look foward to it.
things are crawling along- work is fine- starting to get a little busy. we have our halloween party on saturday & my sis is comingup to stay with me for the weekend. tom & i are still the ramon.es & she is nico- from the velvet un.derground. i will post some pics as soon aas long as my computer is back. it should be really fun- i'm starting to really look foward to it.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
nighttime fun
last night i attended my first sex toy party. it went on forever- almost 7 hours! but it was fun! i treated myself to a late birthday- early christmas present. since my husband still hasn't even made a general checkup appointment to get his referral for the s-a. it should be arriving in a discreet package in a few weeks. oh- and dear hubby will be the one purchasing.
i am also making the appointment for him. i keep forgetting to get his card & info & bring it with me to call. but i will. i especially don't understand the reluctance because i have found out this week that ALL initial testing is 100% covered (with referral of course) by our insurance. for him he only needs the referral. i unfortunately do still have to wait until a 365 day period has passed from my last PAP- which puts me at dec. 20th. not too bad because i should be somewhere around cycle day 5 or 6. not enough to get some bloodwork done, but close enough to maybe get 7dpo bloodwork from my referral. so i do have that to look foward to.
tonight i am off to the movies to see the d.arjeeling limit.ed with another good friend for her birthday. i have to say that all of this time with my friends is helping with my second happiness challenge- even if i am technically failing miserably in the actual devotion of 10 minutes to meditation... but i will see how the rest of the month goes.
i am also making the appointment for him. i keep forgetting to get his card & info & bring it with me to call. but i will. i especially don't understand the reluctance because i have found out this week that ALL initial testing is 100% covered (with referral of course) by our insurance. for him he only needs the referral. i unfortunately do still have to wait until a 365 day period has passed from my last PAP- which puts me at dec. 20th. not too bad because i should be somewhere around cycle day 5 or 6. not enough to get some bloodwork done, but close enough to maybe get 7dpo bloodwork from my referral. so i do have that to look foward to.
tonight i am off to the movies to see the d.arjeeling limit.ed with another good friend for her birthday. i have to say that all of this time with my friends is helping with my second happiness challenge- even if i am technically failing miserably in the actual devotion of 10 minutes to meditation... but i will see how the rest of the month goes.
Friday, October 19, 2007
friendships
i went out to dinner with my best friend last night & we talked about how our friendships have ben changing recently. we have both had the experience with a friend that the relationship is just not what we had anticipated or expected. i posed that in my experience that i felt this was because of me. i put too much into the relationship. i gave more than i got. i expected a different level of friendship than the other person did, or was able to give. i do that a lot. i get close & i love my friends. i would do anything i could for them. but i also expect a little of the same back.
with this friend i am talking about- it's not really one specific person. it's an amalgam of several people over the years, but the lesson remains. people are different. not everyone is going to care as much as i do. not everyone gives friendship like i do. then again, not everyone gets hurt like i do, or takes so much to heart like i do. so my lesson is learned. i am trying to let things roll. i am not taking in assumptions & letting them fester. if someone is not giving me the friendship i want- i have wonderful friends who do. even if it's a little sad & i would love to have that close friendship with more people, it's just not happening. and that's ok. i can stay friendly without investing all of myself into a one-sided friendship. i can take things less personally.
the friends i do have complete my life. they listen to the foul & angry shit i occasionally spew & do not judge me based on it. they know i need to vent sometimes- as do they. they are there every time i call- even if it's just for meaningless chit chat. they care about me. and i love them for it. there is no self-editing with friends, if you are misunderstood you explain, but the friendship remains the same despite (or perhaps because) of that. if you inadvertantly hurt a friend- you apologize & are forgiven because your heart is known by them. i am lucky enough to have never had a single fight with the best friend i ever had- someone close enough to be family. i am grateful for my friends and hope that we can continue through life with this same support. A bit of a ramble to say i am happy...
with this friend i am talking about- it's not really one specific person. it's an amalgam of several people over the years, but the lesson remains. people are different. not everyone is going to care as much as i do. not everyone gives friendship like i do. then again, not everyone gets hurt like i do, or takes so much to heart like i do. so my lesson is learned. i am trying to let things roll. i am not taking in assumptions & letting them fester. if someone is not giving me the friendship i want- i have wonderful friends who do. even if it's a little sad & i would love to have that close friendship with more people, it's just not happening. and that's ok. i can stay friendly without investing all of myself into a one-sided friendship. i can take things less personally.
the friends i do have complete my life. they listen to the foul & angry shit i occasionally spew & do not judge me based on it. they know i need to vent sometimes- as do they. they are there every time i call- even if it's just for meaningless chit chat. they care about me. and i love them for it. there is no self-editing with friends, if you are misunderstood you explain, but the friendship remains the same despite (or perhaps because) of that. if you inadvertantly hurt a friend- you apologize & are forgiven because your heart is known by them. i am lucky enough to have never had a single fight with the best friend i ever had- someone close enough to be family. i am grateful for my friends and hope that we can continue through life with this same support. A bit of a ramble to say i am happy...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
luck of the draw
so- yesterday was my birthday & it actually turned out to be a pretty good day. it wasn't exactly how i wanted it, but i found some stuff out & can't complain (well too much... i'll get to that)
i was woken up with my usual cup of coffee in bed by my husband. contain yourselves ladies- he's all mine!!! he also brought me a candle, not on anything- no english muffin, just a tea light for me to make a wish & blow out. sweet, funny little man.
work was busy, but in a good way. my manager said hello when i first walked in very cheerfully- a very little thing, but she & i have a sometimes difficult past relationship & every little thing counts. the intern told me she thought i was 23, not 28 (i got a lot of "no kidding!" when i told people how old i am which always makes you feel pretty good). my manager took out our whole group for lunch which was relaxing & fun. when we got back there was double chocolate cake (with milk!) and a pitiful office rendition of happy birthday. it's so funny to be on the receiving end of it! as an office, we really do make "happy birthday" sound like a funeral hymn.
i was told that my hubby had "stuff to do" & couldn't talk to me when I called around 5. i wanted to remind him that the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a doctor's appointment for him, but he sidestepped it. so i go home, having to stop to pick up tampons- yay!- and i walked in to dinner made & a cute little cake with ahppy birthday candles. he also actually got a card, which i think is a first for my actual birthday. it's either gesture, gift, or card. never 2 out of 3. so- cake was really yummy- and i felt absolutely no guilt for eating 2 different cakes- it's my birthday dammit! oh wait- i had cake for breakfast at work yesterday... still-birthday!
i also got a bunch of cards, a couple text messages, a few myspace messages, calls, & a birthday package from my sis. i think it was the most thought of i have felt for my birthday in a long time. and i drank it up! this is why i love my birthday. i love to bask in the warm glow of friendship, love, & caring. it's just too bad it's so concentrated only once a year!
now to the complaint portion- tom has STILL not made an appointment. i have asked, cajoled, pleaded, ordered, bitched, cried, begged, & bribed. today is his absolute last chance. all he needs to do is sit with a doc, get a general physical & checkup & squirt in a cup. except for the cup, it's all covered & painless. and it's ALL i asked for. i didn't want a gift, i didn't want tickets, or jewelry, or flowers. i want a baby. i want to know if there is an issue with one of us. i would love to jump start my appointment, but i can't with my insurance's one year wait. and right now we can't afford to not have the initial stuff covered. not with the shop still taking off & the holidays around the corner. i'm saving him time, money, & effort. well, some effort. but is it really so fucking hard to call and make an appointment! i know it isn't & if one isn't made by the end of the day- i am calling tomorrow & making it for him. happy birthday to my damn self!
i was woken up with my usual cup of coffee in bed by my husband. contain yourselves ladies- he's all mine!!! he also brought me a candle, not on anything- no english muffin, just a tea light for me to make a wish & blow out. sweet, funny little man.
work was busy, but in a good way. my manager said hello when i first walked in very cheerfully- a very little thing, but she & i have a sometimes difficult past relationship & every little thing counts. the intern told me she thought i was 23, not 28 (i got a lot of "no kidding!" when i told people how old i am which always makes you feel pretty good). my manager took out our whole group for lunch which was relaxing & fun. when we got back there was double chocolate cake (with milk!) and a pitiful office rendition of happy birthday. it's so funny to be on the receiving end of it! as an office, we really do make "happy birthday" sound like a funeral hymn.
i was told that my hubby had "stuff to do" & couldn't talk to me when I called around 5. i wanted to remind him that the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a doctor's appointment for him, but he sidestepped it. so i go home, having to stop to pick up tampons- yay!- and i walked in to dinner made & a cute little cake with ahppy birthday candles. he also actually got a card, which i think is a first for my actual birthday. it's either gesture, gift, or card. never 2 out of 3. so- cake was really yummy- and i felt absolutely no guilt for eating 2 different cakes- it's my birthday dammit! oh wait- i had cake for breakfast at work yesterday... still-birthday!
i also got a bunch of cards, a couple text messages, a few myspace messages, calls, & a birthday package from my sis. i think it was the most thought of i have felt for my birthday in a long time. and i drank it up! this is why i love my birthday. i love to bask in the warm glow of friendship, love, & caring. it's just too bad it's so concentrated only once a year!
now to the complaint portion- tom has STILL not made an appointment. i have asked, cajoled, pleaded, ordered, bitched, cried, begged, & bribed. today is his absolute last chance. all he needs to do is sit with a doc, get a general physical & checkup & squirt in a cup. except for the cup, it's all covered & painless. and it's ALL i asked for. i didn't want a gift, i didn't want tickets, or jewelry, or flowers. i want a baby. i want to know if there is an issue with one of us. i would love to jump start my appointment, but i can't with my insurance's one year wait. and right now we can't afford to not have the initial stuff covered. not with the shop still taking off & the holidays around the corner. i'm saving him time, money, & effort. well, some effort. but is it really so fucking hard to call and make an appointment! i know it isn't & if one isn't made by the end of the day- i am calling tomorrow & making it for him. happy birthday to my damn self!
* by the way- here is my birthday surprise- a deliciously decadent homemade cake from my hubby (isn't he sweet- despite the fact that he still hasn't made an appointment- more to come on that):
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