hidden talents

receptionist duty was actually pretty nice yesterday. i got a treatment that was quite relaxing & i did notice my shoulders hurting less. one thing about a 18-19 pound 4 month old is that your shoulders hurt no matter what. yes- i put her down in various chairs, swings, pack-n-play, etc. but she loves to be held & i do love to hold her, but my back does not love it. my quickly becoming bum left knee also is protesting.

she took a little bit (1 oz or so) from a bottle for the hub & was still quite hungry- but not terrifyingly so- when they picked me up. all in all - a very good day.

until the hub started using his new software to try to build a website for his motorcycle repair & restoration business he is trying to get off the ground. he gets frustrated very quickly & creative programs are not intuitive for him. luckily he married a genius (yes- i am very humble thank you very much!) and within an hour i not only had a very crude & basic home page created, but also published. a feat he has been trying to do for 2 days. i don't think it speaks so much to my great vast knowledge of computer programs & mad skills with software (which i really don't have). i do think i am more intuitive & analytical & definitely have a strong design sense due to my (former?) career. even with all this going for me his site is very crude- just a slightly crappy pageholder with 'under construction' on it. today we'll be tweaking this pageholder a little to get some actual info & a way to contact him up & then we'll go for actual design. so easy to do while caring for a very vocal teething 4 month old. although i think the teething has slightly calmed down since she's been far less fussy & stop biting everything in sight. still drooling, still has a little pearl & loves to cram the burp cloth/diaper in her mouth, but less fussy overall & sleeping has been pretty good. one question though- is a very very soft , ummm- forceful, poo normal for a teething baby? it's not quite normal, but not quite not, you know? thanks!

what i walk into in the mornings now- she wakes up with the funniest faces!

break time

today i start to volunteer/barter 4 hours of my time to act as receptionist for my acupuncturist. it's really 4-1/2 hours away from caiden but the hub is freaking out about her not eating from 9:30 until 2:15. i am not. if she gets hungry- there are bags upon bags of frozen milk & if she really is hungry enough she'll eat it. i suspect i will have a very tired- very hungry - very cranky girl greet me & my b00bs when i get home.
but i really need some non 24/7 sahm time, so we'll see how it goes.
it may be a short lived arrangement- or it may work out just fine- who knows?

one year

i realized yesterday while sitting in the car with the hub for family errand day that it was an important day that had totally snuck up on us. one year ago yesterday this was my day. my day that started with a reminder to poas- something i had never enjoyed & had no wish to do again. but since i had actually waited to 14dpo(iui) of our 'hail mary throw everything we can at this one cuz we can't afford another for 6 months' cycle, i hauled my tired ass up & peed. and holy shit- my first ever little plus sign! which is currently sitting on my lap cranking away with her hand shoved in her sore little mouth. i couldn't think this far ahead last year, but i have a 16 week old perfect little pumpkin. it's still hard to believe sometimes, our own miracle. wiggly, loud & chubby little miracle.
what a year it's been.

derailed

our beautiful sleeping schedule was completely derailed. we had a night of general crank- nothing too bad, she slept from 9-3, but woke herself up on her belly. then we had the trip from hell of 10 hours of driving/waiting & she slept from 10-4. again- this is not too bad & i'm not complaining. i was just starting to get used to 8-9 hours straight though, being completely spoiled by 4 nights in a row.
then there was last night. i do believe that pumpkin is teething. one hard little white bump on her lower right side- about where a canine would be... she is slightly crankier, but nothing too noticeable. she is, however, chomping on her hand/toys/burp cloth/shirt/bib - whatever she can reach & fit in there like mad. i have given her a frozen teething toy which she is really digging on. of course- she isn't even 4 months old- so her coordination for keeping said toy properly in her mouth isn't quite there- leaving me typing one handed. at night she has both fists crammed in her mouth & flips herself over. the joyful part is that she seems to have forgotten how to flip back at 12:30 am, or 4 am, or whenever... so she wakes up crying & no amount of re-flipping can convince her to stay on her back or side since those little fists inevitably end up back in the mouth & she flips over yet again.
i guess tonight if it still seems to bother her i will try a dose of tyl.eno.l to see if that helps her sleep more comfortably. i just can't believe my little babers is getting a tooth!

drained

today i am off to a green seminar thing at an old project. i'm excited since i am really proud of this project & the client personally invited me to join along with my coworker (still at firm). i am nervous because i may see my old boss. also- i have to leave in approximately 40 minutes & i am letting pumpkin sleep as long as possible before waking her to eat & put her back to bed.
which means i have 40 minutes to do my hair, make my face look less like brain dead tired mommy & more like jenn, feed pumpkin, get dressed (after feeding since it took forever to get an outfit that fits & looks appropriate!) and head out. i haven't driven in rush hour for quite some time- this should be interesting. oh- and the hub is staying in with pumpkin & she still does not like bottles one bit. i keep trying to get her to take one for reasons like today, but i know she will fight it. oh well- it's only a few hours & considering that even though she has woken up 2 nights in a row around 3-4am instead of 5-6am, but then goes right back down to sleep within 15 minutes of waking up- i really can't complain. not when i am really able to exclusively breastfeed quite easily & still enjoy a somewhat normal & mobile life right now.

speaking of mobile- 10 hours in a car/carseat/stroller/sling killing time waiting to pick up my bil from surgery an hour away (so we can't just go home) really puts a dent in a almost 4 month old's schedule. she gets cranky. then she gets hella cranky. then around 9pm when she's usually peacefully slumbering in her own room she throws a tantrum. all while strapped into a carseat with mommy sitting next to her helpless to give her what she really wants. fun.
she woke up around 4am this morning- making 2 nights in a row where our fantastic 8+ hour straight streak was broken. granted- she still slept for 6+ hours both nights so i am really not complaining. but since i actually had to get up early today it makes for a tired mommy.
i just heard her stirring- time to get a move on & get this thing rolling.

quasi-wordless wednesday

i am trying to post more- to that end here are some pics of today's cuteness who is currently only interested in having a conversation with her mobile (quite loudly!) and blowing raspberries in her bassinet before finally falling asleep. i hope.

does this baby make my ass look big?

i must wax poetic about my brand new toy. i ordered a handmade ring sling of the e--bay & it finally came today. I've been waiting a whole week & a half- haha. yes i am totally impatient. especially when it comes to a kinder gentler way to carry my little chub who just loves to be held. all. the. time. since i also live in a very walkable neighborhood in a city it's great to just put her in the sling & go to the produce stand or grocery store. while we both love her stroller- it's not the easiest for a big shopping trip either. now i can push a cart & not have to balance 30lbs of carseat & baby on top!


plus- it's really cute & now that she sleeps in her own room it'll give us great snuggle time! i already have used it to go to target where she was just an adorable little bundle of baby chub while i actually purchased leggings- probably the last person in america to do so.
we have thoroughly enjoyed our day & she is now sleeping peacefully for the last 40 minutes. i am hopeful for another decent night's sleep- well, as decent as it gets for the breastfeeding mom of a 3-1/2 month old. i have just enjoyed a delicious cold beer on this wild wild saturday night. the hub & i watched the movie blindness. regular party animals we are! i actually am unsure of how i feel about the movie. the fact that all movies are watched in bits & pieces around an infants schedule doesn't help, but i just couldn't get completely into it. i usually love julianne mo.ore movies- i think she's a fantastic actress, but the whole thing fell a little flat for me. the premise was good & it raised a bunch of great moral questions, but the ending was a bit too neatly wrapped up & trite for me. of course- being able to watch it start to finish without interruption may give a completely different experience.
by the way- i officially hate blogger's picture upload since it knocks me offline every fucking time i try to upload a pic. i have a cute one of us with our new sling that i was going to share, but you must now imagine it. (in all fairness- caiden looks adorable- i look like ass a little since my face has broken out something fierce & my hair is in a very awkward bangs growing out phase) i will attempt to add it tomorrow after posting to see if that helps at all. but since i have to reset my router & restart my computer every fucking time- it will have to wait!

**thanks to carrie- here is the pic i was trying to post. (of course- it took me about an hour to get photos uploaded to flickr... methinks it's my router's fault. alas i am so not advanced enough to fix it beyond resetting the router & restarting my computer which i know is only temporary.)

thank you thank you

7-1/2 freaking hours. thank you pumpkin! she ate at 8:45 & was out - like dead to the world totally solid sleep - until 4 fucking 15 in the morning!!! awesome.

i of course woke up at 2:15 & then 3:15 in anticipation of her waking up because the b00bs told me it was getting to be time... i suppose that will happen for a little while until they all even out with her. but i am so freaking happy that she seems to be taking to her own bed so well. i hope it continues- although i do fully expect setbacks every now & then.

thanks for all the comments & encouragement- i know this has been probably the most boring blog ever lately. you just don't realize how all consuming your child's next step or transition is until you are in it. i do feel like i have lost a bit of jenn in all this, but i am not sure how i get her back... i will have to ponder on that for a while.

success?

i am not ready to call it after only one night, but caiden did settle down around 9:45 after only a single real tear & a 2 minute rock. i put her back down & rubbed her chest until she was definitely starting to drift. then out i went.
i did not sleep as well as she since i kept dreaming that she was awake, which woke me up to listen to the silence. when she finally did wake up at 1:10 she only let out her standard 'hey i'm hungry- where's the food?' sounds- they are not even close to cries. i got up- fed her & she was back down before 1:30 (we were all business)
then she (&i!!!!) slept until 5:20 am. the longest uninterrupted stretch we have had in a few weeks! again- fed & back down (she was a little more alert this time, but a longer nursing session took care of that!)
finally at 7:30 i got her & brought her to bed with me (the hub has been up since somewhere on the wrong side of 4am) and she/we just got up for real around 9:20. all in all a success i think.

there are a few things i am going to vary tonight though. i will still feed her around 6-ish, & 8-ish then 2 stories & then down, but i will do a dream feed (i think that's what lilah called it) when i go to bed so we can all hopefully sleep for 4-5 hours in her first stretch.

i honestly think that her sleeping so close to her food source was making her wake up more, but i need more time with this new routine to verify my theory. (don't i sound all scientific & shit!) the things i was surprised at was how soundly she slept - no tossing & turning or grunting & flailing that i could determine on my clandestine sneak peeks into her room. she could just be ready for her own space. part of me is very sad at that thought- but it did make the middle of the night nursing session a little sweeter than it otherwise would have been. instead of a chore i get to snuggle with her- which is nice. and now that she eats a lot quicker- she'll drain a b00b in 10 minutes flat if she's focused- i don't have that worry about falling asleep & dropping her anymore! plus- at nearly 17 pounds- she isn't what you would call a light little newborn anymore!

i'm also surprised at how quickly she settled down. she catnapped from 9:10 until 9:26 (i put her down at 9pm) and then was down for the count at 9:45. not that anyone cares about numbers, i just want to get it all down somewhere!

thanks for the well wishes- all of this is as always a work in progress & i'm not really trying to force a schedule on her, just give her the opportunities to find a better schedule that works for all of us ;o) (yeah right- i want this girl to sleep well, but i have actually found with her that she knows what she wants & will do it no matter what you say she wants!)

all's quiet on the crib front

it is 9:20 pm & she has been quiet for a good 10-12 minutes in her crib. we fed every 2 to 2-1/2 hours today in case she is having a growth spurt. i read her brown bear & goodnight moon & put her in her crib with a kiss & a goodnight caiden.
she cranked & chattered for about 5 minutes. only one cry so far.

my main dilemma at this point is do i just let her be & see how long she sleeps, or do i wake her up when i go to bed to eat one last time... decisions decisions!

i think i will let her go- this is all one big experiment after all. if she wakes up between 11 & 12- no big deal since that's probably around when i would want to feed her the last time (well- closer to 11, i'm exhausted!)

please, please let her sleep until 3 or 4am!

oh shit. i have actual cries coming in over the monitor. i am giving her 5 minutes before i go up. i think they might just be cranks instead of 'real' cries. this could prove to be another very long night!

burnt

pumpkin has been waking up a lot during the night to eat this week. i don't really know why. it may be a growth spurt a little late (or early- depending on how you look at it). it may be the 4 month weirdness that i've been seeing a lot of internet posts about. or it may be that she's just a loud baby & being so close to us at night has it's downfalls & this is one of them. a zombie mommy & daddy are just no good to anyone!



to that end we are trying a multi-pronged approach. i am feeding her more often during the day today. we are going to attempt the first night's sleep in her crib. she is getting enough naps during the day, but not so late that it interferes with bedtime. at the very least it can't be any worse unless she actually is getting sick! (i really don't think she is!)



i doubt she is teething- there's no little pearls or hard spots on her gums. overall- she is fairly happy today- surprisingly so for such interrupted sleep! (up at 1am, 3:20, 5:30, & 7!) she came thisclose to rolling over from back to front today. i think she'll do it this week or next week at the latest!

**updated to add: i think that there is something off about this week's sleep in that she really did have a nice little routine going before this. she would go to bed after eating around 10-ish, then sleep until 3 or 4am. then we would start up an every 3hr (or so) schedule until 10-ish that night. every 3rd night- roughly- she would wake up 2x a night instead of 1 (well- i should say 3x instead of 2 because after the 6/7 am feeding we'd go back to sleep until she really got up around 8 or 9) this all led me to believe she was slowly weaning herself from that middle of the night feeding- which was fine. then this week has been off completely. the last 'good' night was the fourth. seems a little long for a growth spurt. that is what makes me think that a change of scenery might do her some good. give her a chance to sleep on her own without the easy b00b access & constant waking that being so close to mommy can bring. but i am extremely laid back in my parenting style & forcing her to be on a schedule just stresses all of us out. she's been doing fantastically at finding her own schedule so far & i am sure we'll all work this one out too. even if it does make us a little sleep deprived- now at least is the time to be zombies with no daily grind to get through!**

here she is during our floor time- combo back & tummy...






talking to mommy

telling me she is so over it!

happy that mommy is holding her & she is done with that hard floor!

What a momentous day- pumpkin rolled over for the first time tonight! Front to back, my little girl's starting the road to mobility

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post 369- gratitude

so- on my 3-69 post i have to say a great big thank you. despite some really really shitty life bombs going off all around her- the amazing nancy sent a care package of the cutest baby girl clothes ever to miss caiden. i have to say that despite the fact i have a little tank for a daughter who outgrows clothes faster than i can blink- it looks like she will get to wear everything except for one adorable dress. we tried- it just doesn't button in the back...

i am blown away by the generosity of someone i have never officially 'met' face to face. i consider her one of my good friends yet i only know her face from pictures. isn't it strange how our parents never would have imagined making connections this way. i wonder what technology will do for my daughter 20 years from now...

anyway- life is still the same- i finally got my unemployment payment situation straightened out- and it turns out that pa gives you an extra $25 a week woo-hoo! considering they only gave me an extra $8 for 2 dependents (since the hub still has no job at the moment until the class for his license happens) it's the least they could do- right?

caiden has gotten very wiggly & she giggles like crazy. she's doing much better with tummy time when i remember to put her down- we're not too strict about it round here. she lifts herself completely up & holds it for at least 30 seconds. then she remembers that she hates tummy time & starts cranking- slowly letting herself down to the ground where she starts to scream & refuses to lift herself up anymore. or she falls asleep. but she sits great & straighgt with just a hand supporting her- so i'm not worried about it at all. she also still half rolls herself over everytime i put her down for a nap- she likes to sleep on her side so i am sure a full roll will not be too far behind. she talks constantly- even when she is falling asleep with her eyes completely closed. she really wants us to know what's up!

oh- she also loves it when i 'try' clothes on her by holding them up & seeing if they have a remote chance of fitting- she grabs a hold & giggles! i think i may have a budding fashionista on my hands! since i was a bit of a tomboy i think this is how she'll rebel- by being a girly girl.

so- things are pretty good. we are very lucky to have wonderful friends & time together in these

early months. who knows what the future will bring, but right now i am just enjoying day to day & not really making any plans. the finances make me worried, but not enough to stress me out since i refuse to have stress right now- there's nothing to be accomplished by it except an ulcer or panic attacks & those just aren't fun.

here's miss caiden in her most awesome outfit - a cbgb onesie & the cutest jeans!

and here she is very happy to be in her new adorable hat!

3 months old & getting so big

oversharing

so- i've been reflecting on the whole pregnancy/delivery/baby thing the past few days. i'm not going to get all emotional & whatnot- just been thinking about a few things & wanted to get them down.

yes- trying to get pregnant was fucking hard. emotionally, physically (to a small extent- i'm much much luckier in that regard than a lot of people) and maritally. the trying takes it's toll on everything in your life after a while-no matter how long it takes. but i honestly find that starting to go blurry around the edges now. not that i don't remember how it felt, but i feel like it was in a much more distant past than it actually is. i will always be empathic to those dealing with what i still think of as one of the hardest things a person can go through, but for me the memories are becoming just that- memories. it's not my all consuming present anymore- despite the 16 pound reminder i literally carry with me all day.

being pregnant was so fucking easy for me (just my personal experience- not gloating or trying to rub anything in!). i think it's because i loved & was extraordinarily grateful for pretty much every second- the mood swings, the fatigue, the morning sickness. i said bring it on & i loved loved loved the bump & feeling her. i could do without the whole swelling beyond recognition & losing my ankles thing. especially since it led to the delivery i had.

for the most part labor was okay. it's all starting to blur just slightly & i can see how women decide to do this again & again- forgetting the pain. unfortunately i have 5 reminders that flair up at least once a week. yes- my 4 internal tears & the 1 episiotomy scar. the episiotomy doesn't bother me too much, but (& this is where oversharing really comes in to play) it does occasionally feel like the perineum is stretching to a mighty uncomfortable point when i am , uh... sitting in a certain position on a certain household 'throne'. but that's getting rarer these days. the internal tears are what worry me as when i wipe there are drops of blood at least once a week. the first time it happened i freaked out thinking i was starting to cycle again. but since it is literally a few drops- looks just like when you cut yourself- i am pretty sure that the internals are just not quite healed. my big concern is- do i schedule another appointment with my ob? i went in at 6 weeks & was told that i definitely was not healed, but people- my kid is 3 months old today! so- the hub has been patient for 3 months & i don't think i am more than 60-70% healed. can they even do anything for that? i know she stitched very carefully- took almost an hour. i also know that i probably was too active too quickly after delivery. easy enough to do when your infant is admitted to the hospital at 5 days old. but i don't know if it's even worth the co-pay to go in & get told i just need more time.

so- delivery... not looking forward to another recovery period like this.

now- the baby part. obviously i am still a work in progress as 'mommy', but despite how incredibly hard it can be- the rewards are so obvious & daily that it just doesn't seem to matter. when i hear her babbling to herself as she drifts off to sleep, or see the smile in her whole face as she nurses after being cranky or upset, when she cuddles into my shoulder and the only thing that makes the meltdown stop is being held by mommy... all those and more make every 2, 4, 6, 8 am feeding schedule night worth it. (that's been her last 2 nights- i feel slightly zombielike today) i know that she was worth every second of doubt, misery, anguish, physical pain & emotional distress. every fight with the hub & sleepless night. every penny & every blood draw & dance with the dildo-cam. i know i'd do it all again tenfold- including every single stitch- just to have her sitting here while i type this.

and to leave on a photographic note.. her i am trying desperately to look like jenn- not like a tired mommy on wednesday as i go to the happy hour. i really tried with hair & makeup & everything! look- there's even jewelry on!

so tired

after a lovely afternoon out- 4 whole hours without the pumpkin! - i came home to find out that all our hard work with getting her used to a bottle had disappeared in the 3 short weeks since i've been unemployed. she had 1/2 oz for the hub & was really ready for the b00b when i got home. she was so upset with me for leaving her in daddy's very capable, but unable to give her what she really wanted, hands that she woke up every 2 hours for some sucking last night.

so not fun. i'm exhausted & i can't even imagine if this happened & i had to work all day! we will be giving her a bottle far more often now to keep her used to taking one & make it easier when i ~do~ go back to work. (although i really think that's not going to be until past her 6 month mark & she'll be getting solids by then & hopefully it will all be easier.

my boss was not at my drinks date, by the way. i was half dreading seeing her & half looking forward to it. i am going to the annual party this summer so i will get to see everyone then. & no- i am not crashing! i was invited which makes me very happy & think that they really do want to hire me back when they can.

the pumpkin has been chilling & talking in her bassinet for the last 30 minutes, i think she may have finally settled into a little nap. i do love hearing her 'conversations' with her bear mobile before she goes to sleep! she did the same thing yesterday & i even got photographic evidence! so we are definitely improving the napping!