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it has happened- pumpkin has gone from a few toddling steps here & there to completely & utterly walking. in the span of a few days. while i am loving this- it makes me miss the little baby that is gone forever. just a bit. it is hard to believe that in only 15 months her babyhood is gone. she is now a toddler- complete with mini tantrums as she gets frustrated about things. it is wonderful and it is hard. how to explain things to her? we try our best but we are already seeing that she is stubborn just like her parents- i was a quietly stubborn kid- sweet & polite, but determined to do things my own way & no one could tell me the 'right' way to do things. i needed to find out myself.

the hubs was/is loudly stubborn. he will research the hell out of something, but once he has decided which way is the 'right' way- he will argue till he passes out (not really an exaggeration- he did used to hold his breath until blue & passed out as a child during tantrums- oh boy!)

so seeing this particular trait is not surprising at all, but daunting in how to deal with it from the other side. and a good mirror as well. the things we know we could do better & work on- we would like to teach her & that in turn helps us work on those things. make sense?

in other news there is no more news- still frustrated at my unpaid workload which isn't getting easier, still fat & frustrated at that. stress sucks and supporting a family on almost no money at all sucks a lot. trying to then eat healthy & relax so i can lose weight is almost impossible. why must the healthy food be so much more expensive? the hub & i are not poor eaters. our fridge is stocked with fresh produce & i would say that 80% of what we eat in a month is freshly prepared at home. crashing the car has taking a hit on our stomachs lately as well since the scramble meant less time to prepare home cooked meals & more crap being eaten. he has suggested we get up early & start running, but of course- then what do we do about our peacefully sleeping babe? something needs to change- and soon. i apparently can't count on my work stress going away anytime soon so i need to get it together where i can.

effyouseetee

what does that spell? yup- we're now pretty screwed. i totalled our one & only car yesterday as i left my job. thankfully i was alone, no one else was involved & i totalled it in pretty much the best possible way as i could still drive it home almost 100% legally (i was missing a taillight). so today the hubs & i are dividing & conquering. he is out in the brother-in-laws car patrolling all the local used car lots & i am scouring cr.aigslist looking for a good safe reliable but still super cheap car. cuz we're broke & all...

so some good thoughts are appreciated. and if you click the link in the post below i'd appreciate that too- pumpkin deserves to win darnit & she's slipped form #222 to #316. vote everyday if only because you feel sorry for my lately sucky life. :)

help a girl out

i am going to get the fun stuff out of the way. i'm sure almost no one comes here anymore- but anyone still around- can you please vote for pumpkin? she could be a cover girl!!!! http://photos.parents.com/category/vote/photo/289609


i can't believe it's been nearly a month since i've updated. life has been a little crazy- but what else is new these days? my job is going through a major shift. w just found out today that my manager is leaving to pursue a new career. my very good friend is being promoted to her position. i am hoping this ultimately means only good things for everyone- i love my manager & my team and really do want the best for all of us. but there's been a lot of change in my life this year- not all of it good and some downright fucking frightening. i am nervous about more change. i would love to now that this meant i could then step up into my friend's former role- a more senior design position. but i fear the perception that the management has of me (as in being told 'i just don't see that you are a creative' despite actually having shown my skills and shining in the limited ways i was allowed) is a hard thing to change. i am hoping this means we will be able to go back to full time and a return to my full paycheck, because damn- we need the money. but i fear it really will just mean even more work at less money & more stress for all. our team has a great dynamic right now & they are the reason this whole financially stressful time has been bearable. i have to work to support my family, but i enjoy what i do because of the respect and camaraderie i get from my team & coworkers. i am a little freaked out and i not sure what will come in the next few weeks.
my friend is currently having her second girl as i sit here. i am still surprised at my lack of jealousy. i remember every second of heartbreak and doubt while ttc, i understand and empathize completely with anyone going through the process & even understand how me standing on this side of the fence can be painful to someone else. i had expected that the sting of pregnancy would always be there. i thought for sure that i would have a hard time with any subsequent pregnancy around me, but i haven't. perhaps it's because the hub & i have made our decision on future family planning. our ttc days our over- we will never again chart or try. there will be no more iui's or re's. if we happen to find ourselves in that currently unthinkable position of a 'surprise' pregnancy- we will be thrilled to add to our family. but if it never happens we are both thrilled to have our family as is. i think i can truly be happy with our perfect little pumpkin. i know the hubs feels the same way. our status quo is actually pretty great right now- except for my job woes- not enough money & too much stress & unpaid 'overtime' right now, but the family dynamic is pretty awesome. we've had our ups & downs- a lot of downs recently- but had a really good talk this weekend. he agreed to be more supportive at home & respectful of the sacrifices i am making, and i agreed to try to leave the stress at the office and basically suck it up a little more. (my idea- not his)
i just wish that all this would get a little easier soon. it seems like the last 4 years have just been a huge roller coaster and i am starting to get a little bit queasy. i think it's time for the ferris wheel or the swan boats. no more of this up and down shit for me!