grown up life

i am about to have a birthday in a few weeks that puts me squarely in my 30's. i still occasionally feel like the 16 year old high school kid searching for approval- but i am somewhat surprised to notice that this feeling has diminished incredibly in the past year. i just don't have time for self-consciousness or doubt anymore. as hard as being a bread-winning breastfeeding mother of 2 young children all while trying to further my career & prove i really can 'do it all' - i have noticed that i can handle & juggle a lot more than i ever thought possible.

don't get me wrong- it is incredibly difficult to try to be super-mom & super-designer. super-wife has really taken a beating the past 3 months or so... super-hub has some work to do too... but we are trying. and we are talking at least a little more than we are fighting & we are both so committed to making our family not only work- but thrive, that i can trust that this little difficult moment is a temporary speed bump. i am confident now in ways i never thought possible. 4 months after kiddo #2 i am starting to fit into my clothes again & while i will never be the size 2 supermodel- i look pretty damn good for a mom at this point. and i have the confidence to say that now. i can also say that i am really really good at my job & am finally in a position that recognizes that fact- which really does wonders for my overall happiness. as much as i loved the potential of my previous job & still love the coworkers that became so much more as friends- i am now in a place that allows me to define what i am capable of & be recognized when i meet or exceed that- which is actually quite often. i know i sound like i am bragging- and i am a bit- but i was always the introvert- the shy unassuming girl- apologetic for my successes and excusing any recognition or appreciation while allowing myself to be taken advantage of by doing much more than was ever noticed for absolutely no payback- whether monetary or even just the pat on the back that i so desperately craved. changing jobs/career paths in the midst of a horrible recession with a young child was the scariest thing i have done (aside from IF treatments and the wait to get to be a parent) but it has also been very gratifying. it was one of the best decisions i could have made & no matter what- i couldn't have continued to support my family (or possibly even have our little bear right now) if i hadn't of made it.

i don't know why this has been on my mind lately. we still are having issues with pumpkin & school- she is having such a hard time adjusting to new teachers, and the hub & i are still having our moments that make me question whether we will get past just being good parents & become good partners/spouses again. but i have been reflecting on myself & how my life has changed in the past 3-4 years. how i have changed. i am stronger & doing so much more than i thought i was ever capable of. but now my focus has changed. i still want my career- i want to do well at the job i love & when i get recognized for it i am thrilled. but i am just as happy to leave work behind at 5:30 every day & go home to enjoy the thing i work so hard for. and the smiles i can't live without.

i am traveling a bit for work next month & it has me so conflicted. i am happy to be able to see a little more of our country & honestly to have a night to myself with what i am hoping is a blissful 6 hours of sleep & maybe even a relaxing bath!!!! but the thought of leaving my wonderful, stressful, blissful little family even for 36 hours has me wishing i could pack them all up too!

Can I just put this out there?

I am freaking out. Pumpkin is having major adjustment issues to a new classroom at daycare. The hub & I are still not great. I also have a uterine prolapse that has me terrified to resume sexy times & that definitely doesn't help the already strained relations... work is good, but a little overwhelming & I have 2 overnight trips coming up so I am stressing about supply!

I think that's enough for now.

exhaustion

i realize it has been weeks/months since i have posted here. the little bear & pumpkin are great & we are settling in to a somewhat routine- mainly. but it is hard. little bear had me up for 6 nights in a row- every 2- 2.5 hours. which i think actually classifies as torture under the geneva act. then he blissfully slept from 10 to almost 3 am, but unfortunately my bumbling idiot loving hub forgot to set the sleep timer on the tv prompting me to wake up at 10:30, then again sometime during leno when he STILL hadn't turned it off. work is extremely busy & i barely have hours in the day as it is- much less on no sleep.
the hub & i are fighting. a lot. i know it's mainly due to sleep & frustration associated with being slowly tortured to death by the world's cutest assassin, but it's getting hard to be patient with him as he yells & says truly awful things (that i know he mainly doesn't mean) but he's started saying them in front of the kids & while bear just smiles & sleeps through anything, pumpkin is affected & that i can not, will not have. i don't know how to fix it though- i am too bone tired to take care of myself, much less handle our relationship & his fragile ego with kid gloves. i need care & sensitivity & i am getting fights & anger & rudeness. he is pissed about money since our medical bills are insane. i am too. but there's literally nothing i can do. he wants more money so he can get things for himself.
Since I started this post a week ago & am far too lazy to rewrite, let me just add:
Little bear has moved to his crib & his own room & has had 3 (!) nights of 7+ hours of straight blissful sleep. We are all much much happier.
Pumpkin may have allergies. We are trying children's zr.tec to see if it helps.
She is 8 pounds & 5 inches bigger than her 3.5 month old brother. Yikes!