#201- here's to new beginnings

yesterday was my 200th post. it's odd & slightly fitting that 201 starts a new chapter in my ttc life. today i start cl.omid. we are really doing this. i am nervous & excited & the hub is starting to get (slightly) hopeful. i think we are both desperate for this to work since it's new- it's so much money- and we are throwing everything we can into one cycle. for me- it feels a lot like setting myself up for failure. but i am trying really hard not to think that way. i want to be hopeful that this will actually work. i don't want to feel the crushing disappointment if it doesn't. i know my heart will break like it hasn't before. i also know that i am resilient- having been crushed at least 17 times before (i can't really count them all- i knew we didn't hit it out of the park on some of those) i always recover. i always get back into it & i still even have hope. which is great, but draining. i just don't want this to be the one that sucks it all out of me, never to replenish.

the knowledge that this is the first & last shot we can afford at a treatment cycle for at least 6 months really puts the pressure on (going over some stuff we realize that there is just so much we need to fix around this house- new steps out front to the tune of $1500, a back porch we can split with a neighbor is still $1500- these are all the cost of another IUI). if this doesn't work we have to just go back to the old fashioned way of trying (actually having sex? how 2006!) until we can save up & give IUI's another go. i would want to be able to try at least 3 consecutive IUI's before reevaluating & deciding on the next plan. and that will definitely take some time to save up for. especially since we haven't had a real vacation since our honeymoon 4 years ago & if anyone ever needed one it's us & soon. we're thinking about camping somewhere- maybe in september. i just need to narrow locations down. i'm thinking beach- he's thinking mountains.

so i am very conflicted in how i feel right now. i am thrilled we have this chance, i am scared to death it won't work, i am realistic that it most likely won't work, i am convinced it has to work, i am weary of the wait & dreading having to do it again. i am excited that the hub is getting involved emotionally, i am scared that he will crash just like me. i am terrified that we may have to look into ivf eventually, i am surprised (pleasantly i think) that the hub actually mentioned ivf last night as a possible option. i am hopeful that we will get pregnant this cycle & i am convinced that since i already calculated my due date it won't happen now. if this cycle worked i would be given a due date of april 1st... it would be too fitting for a baby of ours- so i can't believe it. but i can't not believe it could be possible.

silly things you do...

a recent post of nancy's got me thinking. well, got me rethinking about the things i've done to try & influence the universe to get pregnant, as well as the things i've put off doing while ttc.

i went & got my motorcycle permit today. i am about to sign up for the free class that results with not only knowing how to properly ride & operate a motorcycle, but with a license to boot.

i figure this can only assure that i get pregnant from my one & only (for a while) iui if i compound it with actually buying a motorcycle & some killer tight leather pants. in preparation i purchased 2 cute dresses, a fun summer tank & little short sleeve hoody today. none of which will look particularly good while pregnant... it's a start- and at least i'll look good when this doesn't work. or not give a shit about having to give up a motorcycle & some clothes when it does...

iui 1, cd3 report

i am going to be keeping track of all my appointments here- and any questions, clarifications, etc. that i have throughout. since this is my first (& most likely only for a good long while) actual treatment cycle i want an overachieving record. i also have to wipe the egg off my face- this is cycle 20. not cycle 21. i somehow jumped myself forward... i guess they really are starting to blur together!

i arrived 15 minutes early this morning & had my favorite vampire draw my blood- i swear this woman is the only one who turns my highly visible, but very finicky, veins into real gushers! without pain & such minimal bruising no less! i then had to wait while every other woman who got their blood drawn AFTER me got called in for their u/s first. a half hour later i go back. to wait some more. finally the doc & nurse come in. this was my first time seeing this doc- there are 4 at the practice. mine (i only claim ownership because he's the one we saw at our consult) is dr. diagram- he did my hsg. the other is dr. comedian- he did my hss. this was the only woman doc in the practice, she was nice, but very brisk & to the point. she pointed out my ovaries- which looked 'perfectly normal'. i have 5 pre-follicles on the right & 6 on the left. no cysts. i don't know about my lining- i didn't see or hear her take any measurements of that. she explained the clom.id challenge cycle & what they do & test for. which i of course have known for months & months now, but i don't mind hearing it again.

i asked about turning the cycle into an iui & of course it's no problem. they wrote me a script for the cl.omid (generic is fine too) and one for a trigger shot. they then had me get my pants on & i went to the little office with my nurse to discuss timing & protocols.
the nurse was very nice- i generally like everyone at the clinic, which is good because i am paying them enough- they better be freaking nice! i am to take 50mg 2x day starting sunday to thursday, then into the clinic for bloodwork & u/s on saturday (friday being a holiday of course!) then they will decide when to see me again for follow up u/s to monitor my progress & time the iui. once i have a mature (22mm) follicle, they will trigger me & schedule iui for the next day (i think the next day- it could be 2 days after) i will be using a sick day at work, but am undecided as to whether to give my manager the heads up. i really don't want everyone to know what i am doing because it's just more pressure on me in what is destined to be a cycle with a hell of a lot riding on it already, but i don't like calling out pretending to be sick. i have at least a week & a half to think about it though. i'll come up with something.

i have to try to get earlier appointments. i was almost 20 minutes late to work in a eek when we have been asked to clear our personal schedules so we can meet deadlines. i am of course meeting those deadlines, but i still feel bad being late.

i did make sure that the hub can produce his sample at home & we can bring it in as long as it's with in the hour. i knew he could, but that was his only reservation about doing the iui. oh yeah- that & it's more money for a slightly higher chance when he really wants a guarantee. (wouldn't we all?)

so my next appointment is 8:30 am on saturday the 5th. until then i will be a pill popping hormone raging (hopefully not!) soon to be (?) mama.

to answer a question from m- i am already taking a b12 every night in conjunction with my prenatal. i have been taking it for about 2 months now & i am hoping that it was just a fluke due to stress. it has been a really stressful time lately. i have never had any issues with my lp, except for some minor fluctuations. i went from a consistent 12-13 days to a consistent 13-14 days. so i'm really hoping for a fluke. especially with how sore my boobs get- that points to high progesterone, right? oh- anther question answered- i am not getting put on p-supplements. since this is really the test cycle to find out if i have the problem they aren't doing anything more than monitoring, cl.omid & a trigger. oh- and sending the boys on a ride they'll never forget!

questions i want to ask at my next appointment are about the rate for multiples, my follicle count of course, my fsh results (i will get today's either tomorrow or monday. it should have been today but nurse nice didn't call me & my phone died midway during the day) and when i can expect the next u/s. also if they encourage bedrest (or taking it easy) the day of iui. i will probably just do that anyway. anything else i should ask about?

oh- and to end on an oh-so pleasant note- i of course have to wear a pad today & since i had no more tampons anyway i just bought those last night. i freaking hate pads! i know that they are supposedly 'better' for you, but i can not stand feeling this gross & funky all day long. even the super thin suckers feel like i have a cardboard diaper on. uck.

***before you go- a silly question- if my instructions on the script say take 1 (50mg) pill 2x a day does that mean morning & night? could i take 2 pills at night? will it mess shit up? i am going to try to call & ask tomorrow, but it being saturday i am not sure they will answer. it's only one day & if i don't hear from them i will probably just do morning then night, but it's be nice to know!

198-20-1 hike

this is my 198th post. i am coming up on 200 and now there's something to say. cycle day one of cycle 20 started yesterday. it was 3 days early. i don't know how to feel right now. i am a little numb. my clom.id challenge cycle starts friday (um- tomorrow!) with baseline bw & u/s. the hub & i are talking about turning this cycle into an iui cycle. i figure- i'm in for a penny, in for a pound. what's $300 more when i already have to spend a grand on the fully monitored cycle. (by the way- i can do just the challenge with one u/s & 2 days of bloodwork, but no extra monitoring, for about $300. it doesn't make any sense to me, so i might as well get everything i can out of it- even if it means spending so much money!)


the hub is really adamant about not going into the clinic for his 'contribution'. i am going to find out if he even has to, which i am pretty sure he doesn't, but as of tonight i think we are jumping in feet first. the challenge will become iui #1. it will probably be the one & only for quite a while- so i really want to make it count as much as i can. i am going to try to exercise, eat really well, meditate & generally relax with this as much as possible. in short- i want to do everything i can to ensure that i can not go back & blame myself for this not working. i know i get stressed & i know i get consumed with the hope battle in a normal cycle- i am scared what these bigger more invested stakes will do to me.

i am dealing with the end of this cycle better than i thought possible- maybe my body jump started because i'm supposed to go trough this next one. the 11 day lp has me a little freaked out though. it's the shortest yet & i lost 2 days off my usual lp. i didn't think that was normal, so now do i worry about an lpd? can stress really do anything to your luteal phase? i just don't know & i really don't need/want another thing to worry about. i am part scared (nervous) about this cycle, part really excited, and part really scared about getting too excited.
the hub already has the mindset that this isn't going to work. he is more pessimistic by nature, but i know he really wanted it to work for us 'the old fashioned way' (his quote). of course i did too, but i think we both realize that it's just not working out that way for us. he is willing to move on & even willing to do the iui, but he feels like it's all a ploy to get more money from us since there are no guarantees. he really wants a guarantee. and who can blame him. parting with $1300 for a slightly increased chance is hard to do. and going into it knowing that it's the only shot for a while & has all these hopes attached to it already, is really hard. i told him how i wanted to relax as much as possible with my stress level this month & asked him to do everything he could to help with that- even if that means lying to me when i ask if he's hopeful.

so - here's to my (first?) iui, may it be the big bang i've been hoping for... but not let me crash.

*update- embarrasingly enough i am NOT on cycle 21, only cycle 20... oops. they've started to blur together now.

now the wait begins

i had a temp drop this morning, the earliest i have ever had one this significant (11dpo). i really don't want a shortened lp before going to the challenge cycle. i had acupuncture last night & she said we won't do any herbs during the cl.omid cycle so as to not mess with any results the re's looking at. so i get a mini break from the 'dirt' tea as the hub calls it. silver lining?

i am nervous about the challenge. i don't want to find something wrong. i am also in a very busy time at work & fitting it all in will be challenging.

a kick in the ass this morning- my daily tarot e-mail:
The Eight of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in climax. It has all led up to this moment of anticipation and "there ain't no stopping it now." I have thrown my "hat" in and given it my best shot and have just as good a chance as any -- but the outcome is still up in the air. I am ready to accept what lands, sticks, misses, or hits the fan. "When it rains, it pours." I am empowered by the potential payoff in this direction and I transform through timing or focus under fire.

should i get an umbrella- what kind of shit is going to hit the fan now?

the longest day of the longest week (updated)

of the longest year. today is the day before summer. the sun will be out longer today than any other day. there is very little sunshine right now though. this is the slightly overcast period, where i can almost start to see the parting of the clouds, but it's not quite there yet.

i am still waiting, waiting for what i am sure is another useless cycle to end so i can finally start something approximating a treatment. waiting for my crazy life to slow down just slightly so i can finish reading this motorcycle permit book & take my test. the hub may have gotten me a bike tonight. an '83 harley from his buddy who has outgrown it. i think it's way too much for me. it's heavy, it's a lot of metal, it's loud & really tough sounding. i look fucking hot on it. but it needs a lot of work, so maybe by the time i am ready it won't be that much bike for me. we shall see... he also said he'll paint it, but he was thinking a hammered copper frame & black gas tank & parts. i am not so sure. i see more hot pink, or acid green, or golden orange. i want something fun & kind of cute, kind of sexy, kind of bad. perhaps i should learn to ride the fucking thing first before i think about how it looks (and more importantly how i look on it!)

our work summer party is tomorrow & i am kind of looking forward to it, but kind of dreading it all at the same time. i remember so clearly that last year's party came at the tail end of a really hopeful cycle. i was so confident i tested early because of the party. that day was very hard. negative test + getting lost on the way there + lots of beer as i played flip cup for the first time ever at 27 = very emotional day. i don't want a repeat & i'll only be 8 dpo tomorrow so i am trying to just not give a fuck. this whole cycle i have thought i was out before it was halfway over, so i am trying to continue that. but i am feeling bloated (slightly) and slightly crampy & my fucking boobs (take them away please!) and all that combined with what could possibly maybe someday look like a dip around 6 dpo are totally fucking with my serene 'i don't give a shit'ness.

because next month i do the challenge & this month i get my motorcycle permit so i can ride with the hub. i have a huge milestone (friend's daughter's first birthday) to be un-pregnant & wistful for. i have to keep my IF armour up for a few more days/weeks/months (please god no!).

i noticed that i have the sailor mouth a little bad right now- this may be a record number of fucks in a post of mine. i blame the long days. and the infertility.

-by the way, i was asked by someone this week when 'it would be my turn' after a coworker brought her kids in. i was about 3 seconds from responding:
-whenever i get that cash windfall so i can pay thousands of dollars for invasive fertility treatments, or pay to open my entire life to scrutiny so i can adopt. or maybe when someone up there decides i rank higher than a crackhead or a sixteen year old so a miraculous natural conception finally happens between my husband & partner of 12 years. sorry i can't be more specific than that, my completely unexplained & unfair infertility prevents me from an accurate timeline.

luckily i held back because i probably would have regretted it later. especially because i don't advertise & try very hard to keep this to myself. and i know they don't know & couldn't know & i would really hate to make someone feel uncomfortable like that when it can be explained so much more openly to start a conversation. but i'm not brave enough to really talk about it yet, so my gut reaction is angry & bitter & try to shrug it off & walk away. maybe someday i can be completely open with everyone i know & meet, but that day is not today. it's hard enough being so open to caring & wonderful friends...


**update- so i did not get the permit yesterday- the day got away from me very quickly. but i did take the practice test & got 20 out of 25. it should have been 21 out of 25, but i didn't read one carefully enough. so if i can get home before they close i will go this week, but by next saturday for sure!
the party was really nice, good food, good drinks, good relaxing time! i really enjoyed myself & had no moments of thinking about anything IF.
my sister is sending me money to borrow for the challenge. hopefully i don't need it (but i am pretty sure i will) i told her to send a check on the off chance, but i should be all set by next friday. i expect my next cycle to start next saturday, which will put monday at day three, tight fit for my extremely busy work schedule, but very doable.

still here, barely

i have 12 posts to comment on- but i am so busy & so tired that i just haven't gotten to it. my photo a day has suffered immensely & i barely have enough energy to have a decent conversation with the hub. the next 2 weeks will not be any better, but at least they should go by quickly. and then it's on to the challenge. and hopefully the magic pill that either tells us a reason (which i totally don't want to hear since it will be poor egg quality) or a miracle positive...
but somehow i don't think we'll get either.

and it's completely wrong for my boobs to start getting sore now- 5 dpo. that's a new record & i hate it! stupid hope trying to creep her ass in. bitch- i will cut you!

oh- & this is post 194- i feel like i should have a good build-up to 200, but i can't think of anything to blog about right now as it is- except or whine, rant, cry, whine, blah blah blah...

photo day six & a struggle

so- the pictures aren't great- but they were skating too damn fast! the pack was FLYING around the track & there was lots of action & body blocks that my por camera was just not equipped to handle!

last night ended up being really fun. it was great to see my friend & the bout was a blast. it was very exciting as there seemed to be one guy (it's a co-ed game) in particular who was really fast & good, but started getting very aggressive. unfortunately one girl got hurt really bad after getting slammed by him- it was a big debate s to whether he was in the wrong or it was a legal hit. she was taken to the hospital, but was conscious & waving as she left.

the hub came out to this one & i could tell he really liked it- he even was joking that he had his name all picked out for when he joined! i doubt he could (or would) actually join because the speed skates give no ankle support & years of skateboarding mean he hurts his ankles walking sometimes, i can't imagine how messed up he could get on those skates. but it was really nice to be out together both enjoying ourselves.

i was so miserable yesterday, everything was setting me off. everything was making me think how i have no chances, but no reason for no chances. if that even makes sense. i have no actual reason to believe we can't get pregnant- even this month we still have a chance- no matter how little it seems to be. i literally know children born from less of a chance. but i still know that that's not us. we aren't lucky like that. and i know i've seen it expressed before- but every bfp i see makes me think i am out for the cycle. i know it's ridiculous, but i can't help it. i feel like my chances diminish with every new pregnancy announced- like there's only so many going around & i've missed my chance.

maybe it's not so ridiculous- every month that passes does mean less of a chance. we are in #19- that means we are officially unexplained IF. with every passing month we are not improving our chances with anything. there is no a.r.t. with increasing odds in our life right now. no magic pills, or shots, or anything. and the realist in me knows this. i know that our chances get less every time. so thinking that someone else's chance has somehow taken mine away isn't so incredibly far fetched. it's illogical to connect the two together & unfair to the person who got it, but as a knee jerk reaction- i can at least understand it.

it's getting harder to look at pregnancy blogs now. i tear up & can't really comment like i want to. i'm sorry. but the belly pics & new symptoms. the kicks & we are having a ..... announcements make me feel very alone. and very very far from getting to that point. so forgive me if i just can't go there right now. it's a tough time for me. i feel like i am coming to grips with the fact that we may never be parents- that i may never get to experience pregnancy. all while still battling with the hope that it's just taking longer, and it could happen any time now. it's a tough place to be & it's exhausting. i don't know which side to lean towards- do i protect my heart, or do i hold on to hope as hard as i can?

i am trying to immerse myself in things so i just can't think about it anymore. work, still trying to study for the motorcycle permit, renovating the house. anything to not think about ttc right now. for the most part it works fine, but there are moments like yesterday when it all comes crashing in. it's just so hard to imagine our life not including a child. last night the hub was staring at this little boy at the derby bout who was running around being generally adorable & the look in his eyes about broke my heart. i want him to get to experience a father's day as a father. i want to get to see how he interacts with his child. and knowing that he wants it too & we just can't seem to get it, is so bittersweet.

phooey

i am pretty sure i am 1dpo today. the hub has been stressed. when the hub is stressed- all hopes of lovin go out the window. we have a one time shot this month & given the past - oh- 18 tries, i doubt that we are one shot kind of people.

so despite the fact that i actually saw a positive opk on day 16, did my best with drinking green tea, acupuncture, herbs, seduction, etc... i will most likely go on to see cycle 20. not that i was really expecting anything, but it would have been nice to feel like i at least have a shot of being pregnant. i am seeing it all around me- not a day goes by that i don't look at a belly on the street (while i am driving- they jump out at my car- i swear!) see little tiny babies in the store, see another announcement, hear about a new friend of a friend who never even wanted kids but now they are going to be parents. it's draining. it's exhausting, it's depressing, and there is absolutely nothing at all i can do about it.

i am supposed to get my profit sharing this month. with the economy the way it's been it will cover the rest of the cost of a new engine for my car (thankfully the one in there refuses to die, for which i am eternally grateful) with maybe a little left over to pay bills (leftover debt from the year & a half of supporting the hub). if i am lucky i can save $100 towards the c.lomid challenge test. my heart can not take waiting much longer. i think i may have to borrow the money from my sister. (who has offered & offered, but i hesitate to take her money from her)

it's just so frustrating to know that i am stuck here in limbo for who knows how long. we are fine with our day to day stuff (and i know that a few months of serious budgeting will get us back to where we need to be)- but the engine & various other things just kept popping up & draining any little savings away. add to that trying to recover from a really shitty situation with the shop, and throw in the $4+ a gallon gas (which the hub can't just avoid since he DRIVES for work now) and it gets really tough to come up with an extra grand every month to try to have a baby. the irony is i know that we could adjust our budget just fine to support said baby- but it's so difficult to get ourselves to the point where we have enough for 3-4 treatment months in the bank. if i start with IUI's i don't want to do one-wait a few months, & then try again. the thing that pisses me off the most is that we were ready a year and a half ago. we were there. but life just handed us a shitty ass year & now we have to wait even longer just for a shot at getting pregnant. i am months away from turning 29. i was supposed to go through this financial shit when i was just starting out in life. in my master plan i was done having my 2 babies by now. in my image of how my life would be i was a mother by 27. i can accept that things change & life doesn't always work out how we want. but to have the 2007 i had & now have to wait out 2008 & hope that 2009 decides to give me the only thing i want- it's all starting to feel like i am just not going to see it. i really am starting to think that i am just not fated to be a mother. maybe i am paying for a past life- but considering i am a good fucking person with no reason to not get to experience this- it really fucking sucks.

at least feeling this hopeless at the start of the 2ww has it's benefits- i don't have to worry about hope making an experience, or feel that crash in 2 weeks.

-it's not all doom & gloom- i am just so frustrated right now- i'm tired & tired of waiting & just venting. plus- with the pretty significant temp spike i am pretty sure i have a ton of hormones coursing through my system right now.

my best friend from home just called & she will be 30 minutes away at a roller derby bout tonight. so the hub & i will go to that & she may stay over. it sounds like just what i need to take my mind of my pathetic pity party that i can't seem to shake.


*ha, ha, freaking ha- as soon as i hit publish & checked my e-mail- here is my horoscope today:

"Your five-year plan is all set and you're pretty much on schedule, so there's nothing to worry about there. Today, you should bring your focus back to the more immediate future. What are you doing in the next few months? Got anything big planned? If not, then cook something up with your sweetie or best pal. A road trip may be in order -- and if you start setting aside some mad money now, you will have enough to travel in style and splurge on a luxury experience."

i really need to start ignoring this shit. it's spot on- but always opposite.

lucky day

not much of a post today- i forgot to get batteries yesterday so i'm already faltering on my post a picture a day goal... i tried to take a better picture of my 'i swear that's a positive but no one can see it except for in person' opk with my camera phone- but no dice. so you'll just have to believe me! yesterday's was negative & my temp dipped slightly this morning, but my chart is looking a little jagged lately again, so who knows. if my temp jumps up over the weekend then today will be ff's guess at ovulation & i tend to believe it. so the hub needs to keep up the good work.
oh yes- two days ago i was disappointed by my lack of fun with whipped cream- now this is oversharing, but what else is new! he & i had traded naughty text messages all day wednesday & i was really looking forward to that night. then when i sw that thin little sliver of a dark line, i got really excited for our planned rendezvous. then i guess he had a lot on his mind because our great date night just kind of ...fizzled. with promises to make it up to me in the morning i wasn't too worried. morning comes & goes- he sleeps right through. aargghh.
yesterday the hub called me out of the blue & told me that he was around the corner from my job- could i leave right at 5- (it was 4:50 or so) & conserve some gas by leaving my car there? of course i can save some moolah! & get to see the hub for more time than we have combined all week! stopped & got some movies & had a really nice cuddly date night. which thankfully ended with some fireworks of our own making. and not to brag- but damn... we know how to do some things right! that is the one thing i can say about us- we fit together very well in a lot of ways- we've never really had bad sex. i'm sure there's been a couple times, but overall my only complaint is quantity, not quality. okay- you can stop retching- i'm done with that.

no real plans for the weekend- we may be finally finishing our floors in the living& dining rooms, which means that next weekend we could finally be 'moving' out of the basement. i would be thrilled to have my living room back! to actually look outside while we are hanging out- or be able to listen to jeo.pardy in the other room while i make dinner! it's the little things, but man i hate living in the dark cave of the basement!

***i just realized that it is friday 13th! some may think this an unlucky day, but to me- it will always be a good day. this is the day the hub proposed to me. not the date- that was 8/13/04. but it was a friday. we went to diner at a fancy restaurant for our anniversary 3 days prior. i had scoped him out big time before we left & had worn a really nice sexy black dress just in case.
-a little background: the hub asked my parent's permission at thanksgiving '03 to marry me. which if you knew us & especially him- was very out of character. we were/are punks. we lived together for many moons. we've both always done our own thing. so for him to take that very formal step was surprising enough for my dear sweet mother to TELL ME about it. which -long story short- put a lot of pressure on him & made the right time never come. there was more- she actually BOUGHT A RING for him to give me because she saw it on sale & couldn't resist. it was not what i would have ever wanted & thankfully he declined. but it still made him wait 8 months to ask me. thanks a lot...
so i was decidedly anxious by august & had already picked out my own ring & sent him the info- just in case! luckily he listened & got it.
in between dinner & dessert he turned to me & asked- do you think before dessert comes out, that you could marry me?
i was stunned, surprised (which was a miracle!) and didn't answer for a good five minutes!

so for us- friday the 13th can be a really great day. i find myself imagining & hoping that it's forever cemented as the luckiest day for us.

photo day five

okay- my cameras pretty much out of batteries- so you'll have to trust me on this one:

i swear that's a positive opk- thin piece of the test line as dark as the control- counts, right?

*this is a TERRIBLE angle- really trust me!

(these two do go together, come on people- we've been together 12 years!)

photo day four

i'm super busy this week- had acupuncture & a full day of work yesterday. then i had to stop & get some more skirts/warm weather wear. we are in day 3 of a brutally humid heat wave- it's just starting to go down slightly- 91 degrees at 8 pm... today & tomorrow are equally busy days and this photo a day thing is pretty challenging. luckily- i have the best subject in the world waiting patiently for me to get home- here is how i am greeted every day:

how can you not be happy coming home to this? oh- the hub pretty cute too, but he's out on his bike trying to make a breeze.

photo day three

a short series:

95-ish degree day+good friend+margaritas= long, relaxing afternoon outside...

luckily we stayed well hydrated (water too!) but i think i still lost a good 5 pounds. today will be spent indoors, with air conditioning.

photo day two

okay- so technically it's just catching up- but #2 is the jewelry i wear every single day. my engagement ring, wedding band & medic alert bracelet. i honestly couldn't live without them- or at least my life would be so different i can't imagine it...

photo day one

so- i started a day late... but i am going to attempt 2 today to make it up...

this is the invitation i got for a friend's daughter's birthday. this little girl represents a lot for me. her mom & i were very close friends- until she got pregnant while i had started trying. our relationship was strained by my jealousy as she got bigger & cuter & i still wasn't getting pregnant. i take full ownership of the rift. despite the fact that i tried to explain why it was hard for me to be as excited as she was every day when the baby was moving, or when she brought in the 3d ultrasound, it felt personal to her & she felt unsupported. which i will regret for the rest of my days. of course- my situation wasn't any easier to go through, but i wasn't even infertile then- just having some trouble dealing with things taking longer than i thought they would. (and honestly thinking that it was unfair that she got there first. i actually thought how difficult it would be when i got pregnant with her as we work together. ha.ha.ha.)

the day her daughter was born i was late for my period- which i got the next day. the day she was baptized i was on my 11th cycle- also late, i got it right after we walked into the church. her birthday is a reminder that i have been trying now for more than 18 months- her birthday is a reminder of everything that i want with all my heart & still can't have. a reminder of what i hate the most about being infertile, about having to deal with these ugly emotions that really can't be controlled. she is a reminder that with time, things do heal & friendships can go back to something approximating their former closeness. but it's never really the same.

this little girl reminds me that i can love a person, a child, a friend, separately from the pain that i have from seeing them given what i struggle for. i am reminded that i got dealt a shitty hand, but it has nothing to do with this little life. i am reminded that i have to put on the big girl panties, brave the stores & get over my own shit to celebrate with my friend. and hopefully one day we will be able to really talk about that period of time as our kids play together, but even if that day never comes- i am reminded that i have a friend who wants me to celebrate with her, because it's really not about me...

catching up- i'm tagged

it's been so long since i was tagged for things & now i've got 2 in one week. (of course it's the week that i couldn't even sit down t read blogs until thursday, but no one's counting- right?)

trace has tagged me for a meme:

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."
1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post http://herebaby.blogspot.com/2008/06/six-word-memior.html if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don't forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.My six word memoir:

waiting for real life to begin...

this sounds much worse than i mean it- that's the problem with 6 words. i need more. i can talk (or write) profusely. i actually pondered becoming a writer in high school, i mainly wrote short stories & poems. but i digress- i think that my memoir at this moment in time would have to deal with what i have not been doing more than what i have. much of the past few years has been about waiting. waiting to get engaged, waiting to get our house, get married, get my career on track, get the kidney out & recover, waiting to get pregnant, waiting to find out why we can't get pregnant, waiting to start aggressively trying to have others help me get pregnant. if i had to write a memoir of the past 4 years or so, there wouldn't be a whole heck of a lot there. i want my 6 word memoir to be:

i lived in those amazing photos.

i love photography & i would love to be able to travel around the country & world & capture it all on film. to that end i am trying to take steps to make my life the one i want to look back on without regret. no matter what comes, i should be happy with the choices i make. and i am, but i do wish that i had done a little less waiting for life to happen & a little more of the making it happen. that's why i am getting my license & hopefully a bike. that's also why starting tomorrow i am going to attempt to take (and post) a photo a day of something beautiful. and maybe someday these photos will be a memory book of my life for my child. or maybe not- but that's not a reason to not have them.


okay- so now that i have essentially done this twice (and done it wrong by explaining everything when it was supposed to be SIX words!) i have to tag 5 people- kat, m, tammy, nancy, jen & lilah. and anyone that sees this & wants to do it- consider yourself tagged!

Pink Roses are so pretty!

i was given a pink rose award from m. actually- i am blushing because she gave me three...

i am so touched by her kind words & i have to say that my happier attitude is thanks in no small part to her passing on this touching award.

it has taken me a little while to get to posting- i've been so busy, but there are 3 ladies that i would like to pass this award onto.

first off is io who has had a really really crappy year so far- the shit that she has gone through makes my heart cry, but the fact that she has her amazing wit & sense of humor intact are wonderfully inspiring to me. she is strong & smart & definitely deserves this award.

my second award goes to jewels who is having a hard time with hope. she's such a bright spirit & she always has a unique & beautiful outlook on things. she inspires me to be more open to new things & new ways of looking at the world.

my last rose goes to trace. she is gearing up to start her first ivf & has been facing some fears & concerns. she is so vibrant & has also been through so much, but her warmth & the love that she shares with her sweetness are very inspiring. she makes me think about how important it is to hold on to your relationships.

these ladies have made me feel better on occasions when i thought i'd be in a funk for weeks. i'd like to say thank you to them- & to everyone who has such wonderful things to post here & has been so supportive while i whine & bitch. you all deserve pink roses... (although personally- my favorite flower is a gerbera daisy in hot pink. just sayin!)

Here’s what to do:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

busy little worker bee

i have been tagged & given a pink rose. there are about 10 blogs that i want to comment on. i haven't spent more than an hour each night with the hub. i have been super busy at work & then last night was the first day i wasn't there more than 10 hours & i had acupuncture. it was a very nice session & very relaxing- i totally dozed off on the table- but i can't wait to have some time tonight to unwind. i am trying to get to everything, but i've been fried by the end of the day this week! bear with me!

oh- i think i am picking up the motorcycle permit handbook this weekend & maybe taking the test... we've been casually looking at bikes for me (well- the hub's been obsessively looking & i've been casually looking over!) we tend towards late 70's japanese bikes- very cool retro styles that still look like i could handle them & be able to pick them up! also- i could picture me on them- isn't that shallow? i need to be able to think the bike i get fits my personality, right? oh well- it's all a moot point right now as we aren't finding anything in our very limited price range. and i am still having problems justifying spending what little money we could save for a bike instead of putting it towards a treatment cycle... i'm at least able to take the test & the class though- everything else will eventually work out, right?

crawling out

maybe the hormones are finally receding, or maybe my weekend of cuddles with the hub has smoothed me out a little. i am feeling a little better today. and i can see myself feeling a little better tomorrow, etc, etc. i am trying to adopt the attitude of just dealing with the moment. i can't change what has happened or what will happen. but i can make decisions to make now a better, more enjoyable time.


that said- i dyed my hair. nothing major- not a permanent color since my hair sucks up the 6 day stuff for about 6 months- but i needed a change. i'm trying to let my hair grow & be long & healthy, but i have always changed my hair often. so not doing anything has been driving me nuts! on a whim i decided to pick up a nice light red brown. the hub let me know he always liked me as a redhead & i agree. i am pale & even with a full day in the sun can't really get tan. i get freckles & red hair looks good on me. i just hate the upkeep. but since i'm not pregnant, i don't see myself getting pregnant anytime soon, i might as well do things for me every now & then.


i am also thinking about taking the motorcycle class offered to all state residents. my friend teaches it & the hub really wants me to learn so we can go out together. i will probably start very small & slow with a scooter of some sort to get used to the two wheeled life, but after saying i would do it & putting it off for over a year because i thought i would get pregnant any month & it would be a waste, i don't want to put things on hold anymore. i am trying to face the fact that i am infertile. i can not get pregnant. it really sucks & it really hurts, but hurting & crying doesn't change it. while i wait to be in a position to actually do something about it i might as well enjoy my life again. and i need a hobby. i would love to have something the hub & i can do together. imagine us packing up our packs & jetting off with our matching helmets to explore the countryside on $10 worth of gas. i am nervous right now because i have no clue how to ride & his bike is way too powerful for me to learn on, but the class provides little 150-200 cc bikes to learn on & a scooter or a small bike is not expensive. it may not be until the end of summer, but at least i will have something to occupy my spare time so i am not dwelling on what i don't have anymore.

and who knows what the future holds- i may get what i want this month, or next year, or ten years from now. but do i really want the time in between to be so desperate, so filled with heartache & sadness? i want to be able to focus on something else for a while- something like a life. i will always have hope that we will be parents (and hope it is soon) but i can't do anything else to try to make that happen right now. and it's the not doing that kills me- the lack of control. but- since i can't change that right now i will keep doing what i can, and leave the rest out of my mind as much as possible. i know there will always be moments where i need to cry & vent & it will all be too much- but that's what this blog i for. if i let it out here i can keep the rest of my life a little happier. i just need to keep reminding myself that even if i can't control my reproduction (or lack thereof), i can control my own attitude & outlook. and i so want to be positive & happy. if i work hard enough at it, it just might happen...