news

i have been lax on posting lately. although i've never had a huge readership, i do miss getting the few comments i do get when i post! i am way behind on leaving comments myself & hopefully today is a nice lazy day i get to do just that!

the quick recap:

-christmas was awesome. my sister & bil came up (they are so great with that & we really owe them a trip to see them soon!) they did perfect on presents- one each for all of us- including the dog! they chose well too, as did we. all gifts were personal & thoughtful, yet not breaking the bank- exactly what we wanted. they got pumpkin a baby remote so she could have her own & leave mommy & daddy's alone. she loves it! please note though- it is yet another baby item that bears a close resemblance to male gam.etes... along with her spoons that she absolutely loves & the hub hates!
-my folks surprised us by coming up the day after christmas- even though they swore they weren't traveling until after the holiday you literally couldn't keep them from their granddaughter! they spoiled her rotten & she was pretty much showered with gifts from them...
-new years was pretty perfect. we went out for japanese with our friends & pumpkin was very well behaved- even winning over the world's grumpiest waiter! dinner was delicious & we got dessert & watched movies at home to ring in the new year. the obligatory neighborhood fireworks scared the dog & woke up the baby, and then she was up a few times due to getting her 3rd tooth (1st front tooth). she is currently extremely clingy & cranky, but the good news is that she does say 'mama'. the bad news is she only says it with a miserable little cry, but i still love it! especially since i know she means me! she is getting so big so quickly, the past 9 months have flown by quicker than anything i could ever have imagined. she is a little girl now- full of personality, fearless & determined, but sweet & happy at the same time. she is more than i ever hoped for!

as we said goodbye to 2009 i have to say that i am not sad to see it go. it may ultimately be the fitting end to a decade that had the best & worst in it. (even though technically next new years is truly the end of the decade, but who's counting- other than historians...) i have seen a roundup of the decade on quite a few blogs in the past few days, and while i don't have the patience to go through every year i would like to reflect on the high (and low) lights of the past 9 years.

-2000 started off with me moving myself down to my current little city for college. my first move on my own- no built in support system of friends i've known for my entire life & living on my own (albeit in a dorm apartment) for pretty much the first time. the hub was still the boyfriend and was on tour with his band. i got serious about school & after a break up & then getting back together- the hub & i got serious(er) about each other.

-the next 3 years include lots of school- hard work, not quite enough partying for a respectable college student, making great lifelong friends & testing myself & my relationships- all typical early 20-something stuff.

-2003-2005 found me getting into my career. the real education begins after college graduation. this time period the hub & i also moved twice- finally into our own home. we got married (almost exactly 5 years ago now) and i quit smoking and started at my current firm.

-2006 was a little crazy health wise- it was the year of the kidney. being rushed to the er and subsequently finding out that i had an undiagnosed congenital defect slowly killing my right kidney for the last 26 years that was now on the verge of turning septic & possibly killing me were it not found, was not so fun. neither was living with a stent for months while figuring out if i needed to have my kidney removed. or actually having it removed. or recovering. but i got through it & am now as close to 100% as possible. and pretty unaffected by the year of the kidney.

-2006-2008 was the ttc years. dealing with some crazy life stuff (never ending kitchen renovation & the hub's attempt at owning a business that was thwarted by bad partnership, a roommate that while a great friend caused a ton of tension) all added to the frustration and heartache that typically come with ttc & if. finally in 2008 we started with an re- all tests come back fine- officially 'unexplained infertility' and we start to scrape everything we have left together for a last ditch clomid challenge test combo with iui #1. knowing it's a long shot we are prepared for either more answers, or more frustration as we wait to save up for more iui's. surprise- bfp! july 26th is the happiest day of my life.

-2008-2009. fairly uneventful pregnancy. ~love~ being pregnant & savor almost every moment. fallout with the mil- stress i don't need. then comes the last week of being pregnant & gaining almost 8 pounds of water- hello induction for possible pre-e. 15 hours of induced labor & 3 hours of pushing & here's pumpkin. the perfect little girl with curly hair & a good set of lungs. but only get to see her for 30 seconds before she is whisked to nicu for inhaled meconium. finally get to see her 7 hours later & it's love at first (2nd) sight. after a little bumpy road we both get this nursing thing down & she grows like a weed. an amazing little girl who hits her milestones without breaking a sweat- she continues to amaze us. we can't imagine life without her- and though the memories are now fuzzier- every second of heartache was worth it for her.

-2009 is also the year that brought a shortened work week, a very scary audit & 2 layoffs within 3 months. um- no income and 2 parents home with an infant... life is hard. even so we are able to take a few trips to see family & a big couple plane rides and we meet nancy! i am surprised to actually get my job back and the office moves too. we experience our firsts as a family all year long, but every day makes me thankful to be here, with my wonderful family. i look forward to 2010 as being better than this past year has been- in all ways except one. having our pumpkin this year makes it all worthwhile. every hard month, every day wondering whether we would have enough to pay the bills, just looking at our miracle i knew we'd make it through. and while we aren't there quite yet- we are good. we are happy, if not yet comfortable. we are appreciative & blessed. i can still say that 2009 technically sucked in many ways & it's hard to not get better from here. i am looking forward to this next year of first birthday, walking, talking toddlerhood. hoping to be moving forward in my career, but remembering to take the time for enjoying my hard won miracle family.

here's to a happy new year for all. and a wonderful new decade ahead.

best laid plans

still figuring this whole knitting thing out- this was supposed to fit a 9-12 month old baby... guess I need to work on that gauge thing- but merry christmas to me! it only took a week too!

ones & twos

today is pumpkin's first snowfall (at home that is- it snowed when we visited nancy, but we didn't go out in it) I just bundled her up- tights, leggings, jeans with fleece pants over all of it, a long sleeve onesie, tee, fleece jacket & then nylon windbreaker type jacket, gloves & a hat. and of course shoes. all for a grand total of 5 minutes outside. 1 stand in the snow, 1 sit & 1 fall backwards. i of course was able to take a ton of pictures in those 5 minutes. i am experimenting with different color saturations at the moment- i really like how desaturating the image brings out the detail of the snowflakes & of course her eyes & lashes!



she seemed to like the snow all right (well- tolerate it at least) as long as i held her or was right there with her. the second she sat alone she started to cry.
we walked over to say hi to a neighbor clearing off her car & i snapped a few more close ups of the snowflakes that stay on her eyelashes...

the hub is out plowing the streets with a neighbor & we may be having a little hot cocoa & watching movies the rest of the day in our pj's.

pumpkin also got tooth number 2 this week. she was a little crankier than usual one day after being up more than usual during the night. i thought i caught a glimpse of something- stuck my hand in her little mouth & was promptly bit by 2 little chompers! the one from last month& a teeny one just poking through the surface. her sleep has been much improved since then. she does wake up once or twice between 3 & 5, but before i can drag myself out of bed she's back down, which has been pretty sweet.

my work holiday party was last night & was as always a lovely warm fuzzy time. it was nice to feel some love & got a gorgeous collage frame to jazz up our walls from my secret santa. perhaps one of the shots from today will make it in. i am really hoping that the snow sticks around until christmas- it's been so sad to have the bare brown ground- either way though- this christmas will truly be memorable. unbelievable & surreal, but making new traditions with my daughter- that is a christmas i have imagined for so long that the reality still feels like fantasy. like the magic & miracle that it truly is.

the best thing

my 8-1/2 month old baby girl was a perfect little diva yesterday for our christmas photo shoot. i am still in disbelief that i get to send these with our christmas cards!

a couple of my favs from yesterday. can you believe i found this dress at a goo.dwill? total vintage beauty!

de-motivate

last night i watched the big.gest lose.r finale- i am totally addicted to that show & combined with nancy's post the other day it all has pretty much inspired me to eat better & try to get moving more. exercise is difficult for me at the best of times as i lose interest quickly. i need a gym & a trainer switching it up to see results. anytime i've tried on my own i have quit before i really got anywhere. now it seems doubly hard- i definitely don't have any extra money- much less the $60-100 a month for a gym membership (not to mention personal training is even more & i can't even afford to take individual classes at $10 a class). then there's the pumpkin. if i am not working i want to be home & hanging out with her. the weather is crappy so we are not getting outside at all really & while i do get on the floor & play with her & do 'baby lifts' where she is my weights (which she adores!) it's not enough. my body needs cardio to burn anything. i do see some results with diet so i am going to try very hard to be consistent with that. but i also don't want to jeopardize my milk supply so i can't go too extreme!

i am uncomfortable in my skin these days. i want to be able to wear all the clothes i have- no- i need to be able to wear all my clothes because i literally can not afford to get new ones. and i refuse to buy anything bigger than a size 10. my goal is to have my size 10's be put away as my 'fat' clothes (obviously i don't think a 10 is fat- for a lot of women- my own mother- that is a goal size & completely average. but i am 5'3 & my own personal goal is to be a 6- or at least a 8 with some room for big meals!) i think i will need to lose between 10-15 pounds to meet this goal & i know that will not happen without a serious effort & exercise. i already eat fairly healthy- can always improve though!- and i need to get off my ass. the hub & i are looking for a treadmill/elliptical- anything on the 'free' sections that we can use in the morning or after she goes to bed. i want pumpkin to grow up seeing her parents healthy & happy & active & wanting to be like that. i want her to consider exercise just another normal part of the day- not a chore like i do. and to do that i need to change my own mindset. it's hard- it's so easy to say nevermind- it's fucking cold & rainy & i don't want to do anything. that will be my battle!

I am starting to worry my supply is dropping... I max out at 5oz during day & only get 2 @ night. Pumpkin will drink 9-12oz. Argh!

--
==================================================================
This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

eight is great

pumpkin turned 8 months on thursday. i have an eight month old... wow. i have a crawling, cruising, self-feeding, babbling, lip smacking perfect little eight month old daughter. one that looks at me & says 'bwabwabwabwa' in a dramatic stage whisper. if you told me this just 2 years ago at this time i wouldn't have known whether i could believe in it or not. 2 years ago at this time i was in the throes of ever-hopeful,ever-crushing ttc. before we went to the re. before we got any testing or any semblance of cycling going on. we had been trying on our own for over a year & i was worn out. our marriage had taken it's fair share of hits along the way & life in general was a series of things to get through, not something to revel in & live.

last year was about waiting. enjoying the moment before it all began. being grateful to be pregnant, but anxious to meet our girl. wondering if everything would be ok & what she would look like, be like. wondering if family dynamics would ever be the same & how the hub & i could be parents & partners.

this year has not been easy- in fact we have faced more challenges this year than ever before. from a feud (viscious at times) with a family member, to an audit right before pumpkin was born, a long labor & even longer recovery, a visit to the hospital at 4 days old, layoffs & unemployment, stress & home renovations on no budget... any one of these will challenge a relationship. throw in the stresses of learning to parent & trust in your partners abilities to not only parent- but become the primary caretaker while you work & any relationship gets strained. any person will feel pressure & stress. the challenge is dealing with it effectively & making it all work for you. the hub & i are getting pretty good at rolling with the punches- even the ones that feel like k.o.'s. i have seen the best in us along with the worst & the best far outweighs. i have a partner who literally can fix anything (except old christmas lights) and who has single handedly torn apart & put back together our kitchen (done except the floor & some paint!). he is a patient & loving father. he will be the spoiler who can't say no. he encourages far more than i ever would have thought & is so gentle & sweet with our girl. while i always hoped & thought he would make a good dad- i never expected him to be such an amazing father - especially a stay at home one!

i learned that i am thrifty beyond compare. i can stretch a buck like no one's business & i can teach myself to do things i never would have thought of- like learn how to knit in a weekend so i could make a scarf (requested by my sis for christmas) and then turn that into making sweaters & blankets & being able to give something handmade with love rather than spending money i frankly don't have whenever i want to give a gift. i learned i can live without a lot of things in order to have the things i've learned matter most to me. i've learned i have a much more relaxed parenting style than i would've ever imagined- but there are a handful of things i over-freak out about (fear of pumpkin falling from any height when someone else as here chief among them). i have learned that assvice doesn't phase me- unless someone implies what i am doing is wrong. then i become a momma bear on yo' ass! i have learned i am more confident in myself since having her. i am more outgoing (even if no one else noticed this- it's pretty huge for me!) and i trust my instincts & decisions. i am happiest with the simplest of things- friends & family, a nice glass of red wine & relaxing after a long day of work. this time of year used to be my hands down favorite. then for a few years it became a time of dread. it's hard to forget that feeling & i honestly hope i never do. i am thankful (in retrospect) for every step of this journey- even the ones i never thought i'd be strong enough to take. the ones where i was sure i would fall & not be able to get back up- i am grateful i had to take them to make me stronger & better. and if even one step missed along the way meant that i wouldn't be here watching this perfect child suck her perfect thumb... then i am so glad i had to take them all.

thank you. in this season of reflection, family & celebration, thank you for my dream come true.

The big city wears a girl out

We all had a great, but exhausting, time on our excursion to the great big city to the north. Pumpkin was awesome considering 1-1/2 hours total naps & being awake till almost 11:30! No wonder she's passed out now on the train back!

fancy

tomorrow i am off to a fancy industry party... like super fancy with dresses & makeup & sparkly jewelry. i have so many posts to comment on but between a wonderful thanksgiving & seeing family & a crazazy deadline at work to meet before i could go tomorrow i have a very full plate indeed! pumpkin is going with us (especially since i get a free room at a super snazzy boutique hotel!) and we will just maybe have some wonderful photo op moments- none more so than me squeezing my post baby bod into a fitted red satin dress...

i will attempt to get to commenting for real this weekend & maybe have some photos & actual thoughts of my own to share by then too!

aarrghh

i have no title right now. i have so much going on- but so little to blog about- even if i did have more than 10 minutes in the morning to do it.

my reader has about 50 starred items that i keep trying to finish reading & comment on- but i fear i will have to wipe it out & start over. in the interest of time- a lovely list for you...

-my office is moving & it's a holiday week. that means tons of work crammed into far fewer hours to do it. i am getting it done- but it's stressful for everyone. and working in a office that is being packed really sucks- it's so claustrophobic & disorganized! as designers it grates on our very cores! can't wait until we are settled into the new space!

-pumpkin is drinking much more from the bottle! she had 11 ounces yesterday- plus her breakfast of fruit & cereal & a jar of food... slightly atypical for her- and worrisome for me in that my supply is not keeping up. with all the stress i have only been able to pump about 5-6 oz at work. and adding a second pump session during the day is just not possible- it's hard enough to get away once for 20 minutes. last night i tried pumping after i put her to bed... hopefully it will just take some time to build up a supply for a night pump session because i got an ounce & a half. i'm having to dip into my frozen stash (which is what it's there for, but still...) she's not quite 8 months old & i would love to be able to bf for the full year. i think at her 9 month appt i'll talk to the ped about options & what she should be taking in at this point... i would really rather not get her on formula. i'm not against formula at all- we just really can't afford it right now! and in 4 months she'll be ready for cow's milk anyway- i would love love love it if she could transition from breastmilk to that during the day!

-she is eating a lot more variety too- i gave her baby bird bites (yup nancy- i totally did it at a party too!) of sharp cheese on saturday- she couldn't get enough! no reactions either. my mom called last night & asked if i had given her beets yet- apparently she is making some for thanksgiving (??!!) and kept them plain just for the little babes. so we'll see if she likes them.

- i finally found a booklet i could understand & taught myself to knit!!! i have been wanting to for a really long time & found it in wal.mar.t of all places. go figure! i only know 2 stitches & am making a scarf like this for my sister at her request. although it won't be 1/4 as long & the colors are a little bit off. she requested it for christmas & considering all the yarn cost less than $12- i think i can swing it!

-i need to lose weight. the scale has been stable for months- but not at the weight i want to be. i was okay with it since i am still bf- but now after 8 months seeing it slowly creep in the wrong direction (2 pounds, bleh) i want to lose 15 pounds. i will settle for 10. it's just so hard with the holidays & the amazing hub at home making me dinners & desserts every night! (by candle light last night... with wine... oh yeah- he got some!) the upside is i save a ton of money since we have delicious leftovers for lunches. but there's always ice cream & brownies & cookies around. need to stop that!

-i have to go get ready for work- luckily today is moving day which means jeans & sneakers. hopefully i can get everything else done before my sister & bil come to visit for the holiday...

have I meantened how awesome the hub is?

While I was away I got new countertops thanks to the hub.

bliss

waking up this morning to the hub poking me at 7:45 am & asking- is the baby allright? it's almost 8?!!

last night she went to bed at 8:30 & was up just once at 10:30 as we came upstairs to bed. i fed her then & she slept. all. the. way. through.

even if it's just the one night it was bliss.

oh- and last night she ~finally~ crawled a real belly off the ground crawl from the living room to the kitchen. twice. looks like she did learn a few things from her new long distance boyfriend! she's not at all fast yet- but probably will be soon!

thank you for all the comments below- knowing this is normal & hopefully temporary really helps!

good grief

why does teething + a little cold = a baby up all the time at night? well- i get the up at night, but why must she insist on not gong back down without a crying jag? she has never been like this. 2 nights in a row now she has gotten up a few times a night or started crying when i went to put her back in her crib... or both! both nights have meant 3.5 hours of sleep for me at a clip & then oversleeping my alarm by about an hour! thank goodness the office is pretty much empty today because i am going to look a right slob. i literally don't have time/energy to shower.

it of course doesn't help that the hub decided that he didn't want his little girl to cry last night- even though i had just left her room & knew she's crying because of being sick/teething & just needed to get through it. so he gets her. cuddles her. she's nice & quiet. he puts her down...wahhhhhh!!!!! he comes back to bed- says 'i think she's still hungry'. making me get back up & get her. i pulled her into bed because i literally could not stand up after a total of 6 hours sleep for 2 days. she played with the boob & then proceeded to play with my hair, touch my face & generally fuck around for an hour. a fucking hour at 3 am people. this is not my kid! i have the good sleeper! the one that even if she gets up 3 times a night she goes back. to. sleep. i am the fucking lucky mom!!! at least i was!
so at 4:15 i put her ass back in her crib. 20 seconds of fussing later she was out. i know my kid & i know that she just needs to cry right now (at least i hope i know her & that's what she needs- lack of sleep makes you second guess yourself a lot!) i will have to let the hub know he needs to be on board & consistent with me- and vice versa!

thoughts? assvice? i'll even take a few 'been there- done that's' & a 'it'll get better'!
at least it's friday & even if she cries all night i can sleep in a bit tomorrow!

what a trip!

we're back on our coast & nancy has already beaten me to the punch with posting about our trip- despite the time difference & having 3 kids!!! she put up some great pictures that i took while there & pretty much has our timeline down for our visit. we got along like old friends- no awkwardness at all which was kind of amazing!

the kids all got along great & i immediately felt like one of the family from the girls who couldn't stop hugging & loving on both me & pumpkin! mr. karl is just the sweetest baby on the planet & always seems to be smiling. he & little miss were actually getting along & seemed to like 'playing' together. i learned that nancy really is exactly how she writes- plus she is awesome at the hell's kitchen wii game & is much more 'balanced' than me at the fit! she also watches movie endings first to see if it's worth watching which i find hilarious! it was so nice to chill with her & play with the kids. she is an amazing mom & still super cool (despite her being 'not exciting & fun'- her words not mine!) and we have similar tastes in movie star men... ;o) and she has excellent taste in beer
on sunday pumpkin had two firsts- her first snow- which was hilarious! and her first tooth!!!! i was totally surprised by it as she was pretty much 'normal'. she was up more at night but i figured it was a combo of sharing a room with me & being in a new place- especially a new place at high altitude! she did so amazing- i am such a lucky mom! her dad was so impressed- even if he still can't see it- he sure felt it!

pumpkin was really so good on all the flights- thursday was the hardest as we were up at 5 am to make our 8 am flight & then just were on the go all day long with the only breaks being the flights themselves. we got to security on the way out & i'm feeling all cool & seasoned traveler since i had done the online check in & already had boarding pass in hand. for me that is. had no clue that pumpkin needed her own & they don't tell you that online! so trudge back down carrying a backpack, diaper bag, rolling carry on & carrying a baby since you can't go through security with her in the carrier. 15 minutes later we got to bypass the security line (woo-hoo p.hilly security! i love you!) and we were clear with about 25 minutes to take off. thankfully there was a gift shop right across from our gate so i could pop in to look for the state magnet that i found out nancy collected. alas- not a single magnet in the shape of pa!!! but they did have a kick ass ro.cky shot glass that was screaming her name! then we haul over to the gate where they're already boarding! sat next to some lovely older mothers who slept through the entire flight- even when pumpkin cranked a few times & didn't bat an eye when i was constantly whipping out the b00b for her! they were also indignant with me that i wasn't allowed to keep her in the ring sling for the flight!
she was completely awesome on the trips back & i was lucky to have a lot of understanding travelers around us. we even got complemented on how well behaved she was! i was worried about our last flight to home since we had a 2-1/2 hour layover (!!!!) and then a 2 hour flight. i was in the window seat out of 3 with a nice younger woman on the aisle. then a man in his forties sits next to me and makes small talk about the babes. i had made sure to apologize in advance if she was cranky as she had had a long day, but got assurances from both that they'd be fine. the man then moved to sit with his wife & the girl leaned over & said 'you're glad he's gone- i heard him say under his breath 'oh shit- a baby', but i don't mind her- i love babies!' and she was super sweet the whole flight- making faces & got my stuff out of the bin when we landed. meanwhile- caiden cranked for about 30 seconds before falling asleep for pretty much the whole flight. awesome baby!!! now- the guy behind me eating an onion sub with a side of onions.... really??!!

we were surprised by the hub waiting for us just outside the secure area! pumpkin gave him a huge smile and he just couldn't wait to hold her! he had a surprise for me also- a sweet card letting me know how much he missed me! this guy never remembers cards on birthdays & it meant so much to me- i loved it!

surprises weren't over though... i walked into my house to find that not only was our partial wall completely spackled & primed, the ceiling was as well!

and....

i have fucking countertops!!!!! all in one weekend! we really just need the floor, finish up the counters around the sink & some paint & the 3+ year kitchen project will finally be done!!! what a guy- i wouldn't have blamed him for laying around drinking beer & watching tv all weekend- it was his time off too! but he cleaned the house & did all this amazing reno work- how did i deserve him?

i will hopefully have some more pictures later- she just woke up & is a bit cranky...

On layover in mn. Long day, but a great trip. Totally slacked on the photos...better post tomorrow!

--
==================================================================
This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

takeoff

with any luck the pumpkin & i will be in the air in 2 short hours. i'll be sending random posts & hopefully pictures as well from our trip from my phone- but probably won't be checking e-mails, comments & blogs until I get back. tuesday is gonna be busy!
then it's just 2 very short work weeks & then thanksgiving. holy crap- where did this year go?!

enjoy the weekend!

fearless monkey

Counting down to our first plane ride tomorrow. All packed- just need a bath& one more sleep. After a bit of playtime of course! The hub's totally going to miss this! But he will be sleeping...

I have been remiss in posting lately- I know. But i've been crazy busy & getting ready for our trip. Tomorrow bright & early! yay!!

--
==================================================================
This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

oh crap

i am in for it. this kid is freaking strong & strong willed. she is exactly like her father- but i think she may have my perserverance (definitely not stubborness!) and i hope she has my good nature.

she definitely has her father's sense of independence & adventure though. she did this last week too, but here she is 7 months & 3 days old.













i can not wait until next week when she gets to play with another little monkey!

fried

pumpkin has decided that 11:30 & then sometime between 3&4 are appropriate times to get up at night. i let 11:30 slide, but since she's a nurse & back to bed kind of girl i am nursing for less time each night. the 3-4 i let her go last night since i literally didn't have the energy to get up after going through it 2 nights in a row (yup- her 'normal' 8 hours of sleep with maybe one time up have me spoiled!)
but momma's got to work & i can't function on 3 hours of sleep & a nap after 4 am. as much as i hated doing it- i decided to let her crank (she only really had 2 true cries all night- 1 at 11:30 voicing her displeasure after a 7 minute feeding instead of her 10 minute one!) at 3:40 i heard her cranking- at 3:46 she was silent until i got up just now. while i am not a big cio fan because it breaks my heart to hear her cry- but i know my kid! she loves to eat & gets enough during the day- she's even started taking a bottle from the hub. we cuddle & play the entire time i am home & before i leave. and she does sooth herself back to sleep. there are nights when she just needs to crank to go to bed initially. those 6-ish (could have been 3?!) minutes were tough- but hearing the sweet silence of the baby that decided to go back to sleep was beautiful! now- if i had heard anything other than the 'request for boob' crank i would have gotten her- but we really do have her cues down pretty well by now!

i hope i get some quality sleep soon...i have to get packing! t-8 days people!

our little pirate- more pics

this was just a quick cell phone pic- i'va added a few more:

the whole get-up, pirate 'ship', 'parrot', sword & all.

proof she didn't hate the costume the whole time!

showing her disconcern at this whole halloween thing

getting into character

why, mommie, why?

and yes- i totally drew a fake moustache on my 7 month old. i made sure it was non-toxic eyeliner & it was freaking tough to get those 3 lines drawn! it lasted all of 2 minutes to get a few photos because the hub was extremely concerned that everyone would think she is a boy. i figured the plethora of pink clothing & accessories would temper that- but alas... even without the fake facial hair i still got tons of 'he is a cute pirate' and 'what's he going as tonight'. it was a really fun night- my block was crazy packed as always & pumpkin & i got to hand out candy for about an hour before we left for a friend's halloween party. i got there early to do her makeup & hair & stayed until 9 or so. she was awesome the whole time & didn't freak out despite there being some freaky costumes showing up. once more people started arriving we headed out- she had fallen asleep in the sling, but i didn't want her out too late & getting off her sleep schedule too bad. with daylight savings it actually worked out fairly well as she is already back on her usual schedule today.

now i get to count down to the next exciting event on our horizon! i am so excited & can't wait to meet the whole fam- but especially to get to give my bud nancy a big ole hug!

tricks & treats

pumpkin's first halloween tonight. let me just say that this is probably my favorite holiday. i love this 3 month period of 'the holidays' in general- the comfort of food & family & good cheer at thanksgiving & christmas. (and who doesn't love presents- really?!) but something about halloween really resonates with me. i was a very shy kid & getting to dress up & pretend to be someone else held a magic for me. it may be why my first choice of career was actress. i have been looking forward to taking my child out on my favorite holiday. dressing them up into perfect little characters (even if the costumes themselves are imperfect- i can't do halloween with a pre-fab costume. it must be hand made- that's just part of it for me)

the 3-ish years before this day have been so bittersweet. anyone ttc or dealing with if knows the pain of the holidays without the child you are hoping, praying, wishing for. this holiday season is even more magical because of the anticipation, because of the pain of getting through what we hoped was the last child-free season. Even being pregnant last season- while amazing & not painful- built up the anticipation for this one. i want perfection- but i already know that i can't plan perfection. perfection happens in the spontaneous moments- the magic of your kid ripping their handmade costume off & eating it. and life has been a little crazy lately- what with going back to work & then the hub was sick 2 days this week. plus with having to budget with not getting paid for an entire month i really can't buy a thing that isn't absolutely necessary & already accounted for. which means that since the pumpkins we got at the pumpkin patch all rotted away- i have no decorations except for the piles of fallen leaves. i can't even find my construction paper to make ghetto decorations & not having carved pumpkins is kind of killing me right now.
then again- i barely found the time over the last month to make her costume. there's just so much to do & so little time. i don't want to waste my time with her after work by doing anything at all- plus she absolutely loves paper & will move her little butt super quick to get it to her mouth. so being able to make what i have done so far is pretty good. i feel like i have to keep remembering the #1 lesson i have learned in these 7 months (well- 3 years really!)- nothing ever really goes according to plan. all i can do is plan for what could happen & be flexible for what does happen. and just let go. and let myself live the magic of the everyday. because we are truly blessed to be here- experiencing the firsts, and no matter what the day brings (because it will most likely be raining - oh & the freaking world series is coming to town tonight) it really will be perfect.

i will be sure to post some pictures of the awesomeness that is pumpkin's costume before we do our little bit of trick or treating! i hope everyone has a safe & wonderful night- even if this isn't your holiday!

just so I keep a record- pumpkin pulled herself to standing today on the stair banister. time to lower that crib mattress already!

--
==================================================================
This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

false alarm

the whole first af thing-not happening. i don't know what is going on- but after one mini episode of spotting monday morning - not a drop. weird- i just wish i knew the deal. oh well- not going to worry about it.

pumpkin has been sleeping a lot during the day this week. like 5-6 hours. she had a low grade (99.6) fever/slightly warm last night. i am going to check her this morning before i leave, but i am really hoping she's not getting sick! there's a case confirmed yesterdayof a coworkers kid with the piggy piggy... i have been super careful since going back to work & hand sanitizer is my new best friend. i de-germ in the car on the way home. i also de-germ the car on the way home- it's like my decompression chamber. i told the hub to keep an eye out for any symptoms- but other than being tired & not quite as hungry constantly (still eating just fine, just not as often during the day) she seems to be her normal self. she was cruising last night- holding onto everything she could to stand up. and she fed herself zucchini pieces. she didn't want milk- so i told him to offer water if she just won't take the milk- i don't want her dehydrated!
oy- i hope we avoid a horrible illness- we're doing all we can... (no- we didn't get vaccinated- but we are not considered high priority & the wait is currently till december in my area so it wouldn't matter if we did want to get it!)

update

what??!!! yanks vs. phils in the world series. yeah- go team & all, but I am not going to get a lot of sleep. oh- & I just got af

--

so- apparently my body is playing tricks on me- one session of spotting & some cramps this morning & nada the rest of the day... very weird- i never spot.

(and there is absolutely no chance of being pregnant- just putting it out there)

bad mommy

my little pumkin took her 2nd big tumble today. off the bed where we were playing & faceplant to hardwood. my heart stopped- but she's just fine as you can see!

i guess this means i need to stop bringing up the other time she fell off of something- the couch a few months ago on the hub's watch. thank goodness she has his tough noggin! perhaps she will be inspired tonight & become a derby girl...

light em up

in honor of post #420 i would like to take a chill moment.

ah- the weekend. it's been so long since i have looked forward to a weekend like this. i'm not complaining at all, but i did miss my little pumpkin this week! i kept her up way too late last night to cuddle & woke her up to hang out with me before i left. and left the hub to deal with the consequences. which he did beautifully- she is happy & actually drinking a little milk every day- a grand total of 8 ounces this week. not a lot at all- i'm sure she drinks that in one nursing session, but it is improvement. i tried to stay calm & relaxed while pumping today & got an extra half ounce. next week i'm going to try bringing one of her tee shirts or something & if that doesn't work i'll take rachel's advice & pump once at night too. not that she drinks even what i bring home in a day- so again, trying not to stress about it!

tomorrow i go to that derby match- i am very excited to see my friend. she's the one who threw my shower & since she's a teacher in another state she has never met the pumpkin! she is the friend who had a shit time of it with her ex-husband who decided he wanted a divorce 4 months after the wedding & then shacked up & impregnated a mutual friend's ex girlfriend. yeah- a real winner there. but i know it still stings when she is around someone pregnant or getting married. if anyone can relate- i think i can. i would never push her, but i am really glad that we get to hang out this weekend.
speaking of being around pregnant women- there sure are a lot in my life right now. a bumper crop (get it?! hahaha- i'm a dork) of bloggy buddies, the neighbor across the street, a good friend & an acquaintance that had gone through multiple ivf's after a cancer diagnosis. my 'real life' pregnant ladies are all pregnant after going through some hardships- i am so happy for them & thankful that everything seems to be going well so far. after losses, scary news & really scary inconclusive test reports it looks like they are in the clear, but if you could send some good thoughts their way that would be great!
i was amazed at the difference in myself with all of these announcements. yes- there is sometimes a little sting of 'why not me?' that i doubt will ever really disappear. i remember the struggle & the pain of not getting pregnant & having to try. i also remember the pain i felt for myself at announcements of people who had barely gotten through the first 3 months of trying- if they were trying at all. i thought those feelings would all disappear completely after getting pregnant, but they didn't quite. i still felt a little pang- gone almost as fast as it showed up, but still there.
this time i was overwhelmingly happy. i can only think that the pumpkin has a lot to do with it- knowing that the ends justify the means goes a long way to eliminating the little green monster of jealousy. but i also think that hearing the stories of how hard this journey is in all its forms has really helped me to grow beyond the self-focused me i was back then. my first thought 3 years ago was 'why not me', my first thought yesterday with another announcement was just being happy for my friend. i have become so much more aware in the three years since i first started trying. i don't want to lose that. finding this community & beyond that- hearing more & more women talking about their experiences sheds a much needed light. i never really thought about if & loss before- now i know how prevalent it really is in our daily lives. we all know someone, many someones in fact, that has suffered in some way and the more i hear the more i pay attention. the more i want to share my own experiences & listen to others, because even just listening & talking can change a mindset.

hrm- i'm not sure where that all popped out from. this space is usually very self-focused (which i am not apologizing for- it's my blog & i treat it as my journal- of course it's going to be all about me!) but lately i've been feeling like looking out.

well... hope the weekend is good for everyone- i am officially getting excited for our big plane ride & very fun visit in roughly 19 days & 12 hours. not that i'm counting or anything. but i am really glad i have so much going on & to look forward to- first holidays, first plane rides, first trip out west (for me!). oh- and halloween is next weekend so i really need to get cracking on the costume! is makeup bad for a 7 month old? ;o)

2 down

tomorrow ends my first week back to work. not bad- except i really need to learn to relax while pumping. it's only been 2 days, but my output is dramatically down. and the hub got her to drink an actual 4 ounces today which i only see going up as she gets used to getting milk from someplace other than the boobies. i just hope i can keep up. i do have quite the frozen stockpile, but i don't want to lose supply. but i am not going to stress about it as she still does great at night & in the morning.

speaking of great- i don't know what i did to get so lucky with her sleeping lately. after the not so fun stint of up every 2-3 hours at the cabin last week she has been sleeping a minimum of 8 hours a clip. she had a 2 hour nap today after sleeping a full 12-ish hours last night. i may have to mention that she slept through the following last night: cars honking non-stop down our block & all adjacent blocks for a 20 block radius, fireworks, multiple helicopters hovering over our house/neighborhood, screaming chanting fans, airhorns, 2 parents yelling at the damn dog to shut up, and all of this going on for approximately 2 straight hours. of course- since it started at 12 & then she was up at 4, and we finally got to sleep around 11... i am exhausted and about to crash.

all in all this week was challenging, but good. i'm thankful, grateful & happy to be employed in this market- much less back at the job i really do love. i am thrilled that the hub is able to be home with her & is getting into the groove (slowly) of being a stay at home dad. he is almost physically unable to stay unoccupied & is trying to adjust to not being as 'productive' as he is used to. the good news is that i am only working 4 days a week so he will have 3 days to do what he wants- along with family time of course!
now- i only get paid once a month, which is a challenge to get used to again, and i am not sure what i will have until the end of november. i will have my work cut out for me with budgeting this month- thankfully all the bills are paid (except car insurance & next month's mortgage) and we are pretty stocked on all the staples. of course i do have to budget more gas & possibly some lunches here & there (although i plan on bringing lunch every day- but i am not the greatest with mornings yet!)

i do have a few exciting things coming up to look forward to- this weekend is my friends roller derby match & i am bringing the pumpkin to meet her for the first time ever! then in less than 3 weeks i get to go visit nancy!!! (so excited!) after that is moving into a new office & then the holidays- which are a whole nother post in themselves as i am in a reflecting mood on past & present. hopefully exciting times are in the air for everyone... for now though- i will try to sleep without what sounds like wwiii going on outside. oh yeah- someone crapped in my recycle bin last night. fucking drunk ass idiot sports fans. i hate this city sometimes.

today

i'm off back to work. i do have a lot of mixed emotions. i am really happy to be going back, but i feel like today & this week are a bandage that needs to be ripped off first. we need to see how schedules end up working out & i am really hoping she will drink more than an ounce during the day for the hub. i am so worried that i will only get to spend time with her for 2 hours a day when i get home. she usually sleeps past 8 am & goes to bed by 8:30. of course- working 4 days for a while will help
i feel no remorse having her up with me right now (7am) until i leave in 45 minutes. i need my pumpkin fix this morning. especially as she is actually hugging me as i type.

picture post

i may possibly be going this evening to consult on my new tattoo!!! i am so freaking excited. despite having absolutely no money for the entire next month (can pay everything we have going on, but no extras at all!!) due to how the end of unemployment will coincide with starting back to work where i am paid only once a month, i am probably getting my tat started as my very sweet & generous friend has offered to pay for the first part. i wanted to get something that celebrated the most important things to me: love, family & the natural world. so- i am starting with a lily on my right shoulder (the babe's birthdate will be on it). the lily will connect to a tree of life type branch & on the other shoulder will be 2 lovebirds sitting on another branch of the tree (our wedding date on that side). i need to flesh it out a little more with the artist- why i am going down tonight- but i've been thinking about it pretty much since she's been born & have bumped my long-standing other favorite tat idea for it (may still get that one, but in a different spot). hopefully i will soon have artwork & a date to get it done. my awesome friend used to live with us (rent free) for about 6 months, i picked out all her colors for her house & am her personal design consultant & the hub fixes her car & bike- she is more like family than friend and that's why she's offering to pay for it. not just because i am that awesome ;o)

on to actual pictures- here's a few of my favorite shots from the vaca:

the view out of the cabin waking up monday morning:


setting off for her first hike- i love how she is pointing the way for me!


the 'easy' trail down to the river- the little sliver on the left is the train tracks you cross before getting to the river:


just a few shots i really loved from the 2nd hike we took- this was about 3 hours on wednesday of exploring:












despite stuffing myself silly with all kinds of bacon, eggs, wine, chocolate cake, etc... i have only gained about 2-3 pounds. my goal is to attempt to lose 10 by next month... we'll see how good that goes!

57, 4, 1, 30 hike

57 posts to read in my reader- i will be busy over the next few days.
4 practically sleepless nights as pumpkin was up every 3-4 hours.
1 broken tooth taking up a full day & a half of our vaca & almost $300 for a temporary fix.
i am 30 today & a delicious chocolate cake is being made in the oven right now by the loving hub.

all in all it was a perfect vacation- despite not sleeping much & the whole excruciating pain in the hub's mouth thing. we were able to get into a clinic where he got antibiotics & pain meds to hold him over until we got back here. the pumpkin was not a good sleeper at all- although it could have been worse. she did go down to sleep very very well despite being in a loft above us in her pack n play. she slept soundly until we came up to bed & only cranked for a minute on 3 of 4 nights. but then she would be up at 12-1:30, then 4 then 6 like clockwork. brutal. the lack of sleep was tempered by the utter relaxation of being outside hiking in a completely beautiful isolated setting far from civilization (and cell phone reception!) coming back to a cozy cabin with a roaring woodstove fire & a perfectly heated hot tub was amazing! we did only use the tub when she went down for naps or bed- it was only 100 degrees, but still too warm. plus it was in the low 40's in the afternoons- to chilly for a wet babe!
we had delicious wines (well- i did since he can't drink with his pain meds!) local cheeses & breads, too much delicious hearty food and lots of really nice one on one & family time. i have a ton of pictures to go through & will be posting some highlights soon!

baby's first hammock

at the cabin yesterday- swinging in the hammock on the porch overhanging the brook. perfection! (waiting at dental clinic right now...)

not exactly the plan- have to find emergency dentist or go to er- hub has a broken tooth. looks like a softball replaced his cheek

--
==================================================================
This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

one word

i am stealing the one word award from nancy - mainly just to test myself if i can actually keep the answers to only one word! i do tend to ramble on so.

before that though- (i have to get it in somehow!) we are going away for my birthday!!!! i am so excited & even though we are coming back on my actual birthday (thursday) being in a remote part of the state in the mountains with very limited internet/cell phone reception will be really nice. oh- and there's a hot tub! can babies go in the hot tub? must look that up before we leave! there's some sort of local festival going on the day we get there which should be really fun & i am looking at this trip as a nice little end of unemployment/happy birthday/ congrats to making it 6 months/get recharged batteries before going back to work vacation. oh- and it's the first real vacation we've taken in 4 years- the last one was when i brought him to this very same cabin for his 30th. since it really is a one room cabin with a loft- i am hoping that naptimes & bedtimes work out well. but we'll see how that goes!

i am getting the babes & the boobs to the point where she doesn't nurse during the day in anticipation of going back. she will not take a sippy of milk & you can just forget a bottle. she will take sips of milk from the cup if she is occupied enough to not really notice said cup. but i have to keep offering it every 20 minutes or so throughout the day. exhausting! the hub does have better luck seeing as he is not carrying around the lovely ladies that she really wants, but he is taking these last few weeks to get all his stuff squared away & do some much needed work (hello new hot water heater!) on the house that just won't get dopne when he is caring for her full time. it's probably still going to be a rocky transition- even with us trying to prep her- but i am hopeful. i did chat with the np at her 6 month appointment who assured me that even if she doesn't drink a drop- she won't go hungry & when she wants to drink- she will. and i am not to get hung up on how many ounces she does (or doesn't) drink during the day. even though at this point she is only drinking a max of 3 ounces & that's with constant pushing of the cup & putting milk in her food. i might get her to 4 by the time i go to work! at least i do know that my girls are pumping out about 8 ounces in one double session. since she will probably only drink/eat half that tops while i am gone- at least at first- i don't have to worry about a supply problem. i am currently freezing every other days 'output' just in case she finally decides to drink some! (can you tell i am freaking out about this whole milk thing. i know she'll be okay, but i would love for her to prove it before i go back to work!)

she is doing remarkably well with not bf'ing during the day. she starts getting cranky around 5 & i am trying to slowly stretch her until 6-6:30 when i will most likely be home. again- this will also be easier for her dad to do. it gets better day by day & really is the only thing that has me concerned with going back. although i really do know that she/we will be fine- i just need to get through it i guess. i am very excited to go back- i have really missed working those parts of my brain!

okay- on to the quiz. i will try to post some random fun pics or quick posts from our vaca, but may be pretty quiet this week.


(i can't get the image to load properly!!! and it is late & i have to finish packing for tomorrow...)

Here are the rules:
1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers (since i stole from nancy- consider yourself tagged if you feel like doing it too!)
3. alert them that you have given them this award!
4. have fun!

The Fun Part:
1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? long
3. your mother? different
4. Your father? cuddly
5. Your favorite food? nypizza (seriously should be 1 word)
6. Your dream last night? peaceful
7. Your favorite drink? beer
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? photography
11. Your fear? suffocation
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? successful
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren't? outspoken
15. Muffins? unappealing
16. Wish list item? nikon
17. Where did you grow up? ny
18. Last thing you did? packed
19. What are you wearing? hoodie
20. Your TV? monitor
21. Your pets? visiting
22. Friends? fantastic
23. Your life? sweet
24. Your mood? excited
25. Missing someone? sister
26. Vehicle? empty
27. Something you're not wearing? shoes
28. Your favorite store? target
29. Your favorite color? changes
30. When was the last time you laughed? minutes
31. Last time you cried? unknown
32. Your best friend? sienna
33. One place that I go to over and over? b-r-us...
34. One person who emails me regularly? neighbor
35. Favorite place to eat? fuji-s.an



wow- i pretty much did it! go me!

punkins

we took the pumpkin to the pumpkin patch today. a local farm that has hayrides & animals to pet & yummy food. even though she's only 6 months & most of it was lost on her- she really did seem to enjoy herself- talking & squealing & generally being really happy. she sat by some pumpkins while we both attempted to take a picture while simultaneously keeping her from ingesting too much dirt & old pumpkin vines. then after our private hayride back- we enjoyed some way overpriced funnel cake & hot apple cider while she passed out in the sling. it was a pretty awesome afternoon.

she was so happy that she didn't even wake up being transferred to the carseat & just smiled as i buckled her in.

a couple of my favorite photos of today

bang

there's so much going on right now- in the span of 24 hours my life has gotten very busy & complicated. well- complicated isn't the right word... i am in need of adjustments. there will be a 'real' post once i can process a bit better, but the bullets will have to do for now.

-first off- i'm a guest blogger! nancy asked for guests while she's on her trip & i have today. go check it out. (although i really don't think i am up to par with her usual entries!)

-i need to get pumpkin onto a new schedule. i've been up since about 5 am because of this (and other things). i love not having an iron clad schedule with her, but it looks like that time is about to end. she has gotten herself into a pretty decent schedule- but i need a new one

-because i am going back to work!!!! holy crap. i am still in shock- my old job called yesterday & told me they were ready for me as soon as i can come back. what???!!! i had braced myself for going through the holidays & starting at least my first extension on unemployment. i am shocked it's 'only' been 4-ish months. i'm going in today to iron out when i will start back since i do need time to get her squared away, but probably within this month!

-we are also going to be needing a second car i think. my city absolutely sucks for public transportation & the quickest way i could get to work still involves 1 bus (or getting dropped off by the hub in the am), 2 subways and either a 2nd bus or a 15 minute walk. oh- and would take an hour & a half on a good day. i hate to leave the hub & pumpkin home without a car- although it would be easier for him to arrange a ride if needed. plus i think my neighbor will be staying home with her 3 kids now...i am sensing a little bit of daddy day care playdate arranging & baby watch swapping/car borrowing arrangements in the future.

-i am a little freaked out over the hub staying home with her (per our original plan b). it's not that i don't trust him- but i guess a small part of me doesn't completely. i know he's amazing with her & does an awesome job. he has her all to himself every thursday morning & she is always super happy. but he never learned baby cpr. i don't even think he's ever taken her temperature. he plays rougher with her than i do. (not rough- she's still only 6 months!) he heats her cereal while i leave it cold- since she doesn't care either way. it's nothing to do with him or his abilities as a parent & everything to do with me & having to work through just a few (!) control issues. i'll get there!

-how am i going to go from being with her pretty much all day every day to only really seeing her 3-ish hours a day for 4 days a week? not rhetorical- how in the world do all the working mommies do it?! i know it's harder on me right now because i am going back later than most working moms. we've had much more time together & i really do cherish that. i also know that it is so much better on her to be able to go back to work now than having to wait even longer. the transition will be easier on her- especially since she's staying at home with daddy. i also know that the first week will probably be really hard- especially on me. but we'll all adjust & get through it- right? any tips & words of comfort on this are most appreciated!

-the hub & i are still going on our vacation which will probably put a kink in this whole 'new schedule' plan, but we need it now more than ever. going back to work means no vacation time for a long time (except of course for my little trip next month) and the whole turning 30 thing combined with 6 months of full time mommy + financial stress has made me craving some quiet recharging. especially now that it can be a celebration & a last quiet trip before going back!

so i have been awake for nearly 2 hours now- i woke up with her at 5am & am just too amped up to go back to sleep. i am nervous & excited. i really do love my job & i love(d) the firm i worked at. i am excited to go back & i missed it (and my coworkers) very much. but i am nervous about leaving her all day. i hope she does all right. and the hub does all right. oh- yeah- and I do all right!

all i know is i better get a ton of pictures everyday- i need my daily fixes of this (she is 1 day shy of 6 months old- where did it go?!):

how spoiled am i?

the hub has mde us a very yummy looking & smelling spinach quiche. i love this man so...