hope has crept back into my heart & mind. i feel slightly off lately- but my mind says it's nothing. my heart has latched on completely and i am getting carried away! last night i fell alseep convinced that i am indeed pregnant. i woke up having to reconvince myself that i am not so that the lack of a second line doesn't hurt as bad. what doesn't help this is that i have very little actual 'symptoms' to base this conviction on. i am slightly bloated on occasion, * TMI* i have super creamy (almost paste-like) cm, i bit tom's head off last night for absolutely no reason whatsoever. none of these are even close to being real symptoms. the only 'real' symptom i had was 2-3 days of mild cramping in the afternoon. which is probably my mind's doing, not a little bean.
another blow is that i called my parents last night- just to chat. they called back, i chatted with my dad & then he passed the phone to my mom. my mom found out from my sister that we are ttc- i am not mad at my sis for saying something- and only a fellow ttc'er would understand that i would be- because i know my sis was worried about me. but i didn't want to tell my mom because i don't want to hear questions, i don't want advice, and i certainly don't want to cry anymore- which is what i will do every time i talk about it with someone new. especially my mom. i only want to tell her happy exciting news- not miserable i feel like a failure news. anyway- now i know that she knows- but she has been very good about not saying anything. last night though i could hear it in her voice that she thought this was 'the' call- the big happy announcement. she kept asking me if i had anything new going on- or anything else... it broke my heart a little more just to realize that i might- but not yet & who knows when. i don't want to hurt her by not sharing this with her- but i am too fragile right now to go there again.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
bitter & sweet
my friend & coworker is about to have her baby. i am truly excited to meet her & get to hold her & all that wonderful baby stuff that makes your heart melt- but at the same time i am definitely experiencing some pangs of sorrow for myself. i started on my ttc journey about 2 weeks before she told me she was 9 weeks pregnant. i always thought i would be pregnant the same time as her & that there would actually be a problem because she was getting all the maternity & newborn stuff (petty- but that's what i thought!) flash foward & i have now been trying for nearly as long as she's been pregnant. i am not judging my life based on hers or comparing experiences & i know that in the grand scheme of things that 8 months or even 12 is not that long. it's just a milestone that i thought i would experience in one way & life just hasn't worked out like that.
oddly enough i think that i am starting to feel the barest glimmer of hope coming back. nothing big- i certainly don't think "this is so it!" like i have in the past- but i can see it in my peripheral vision. once i look straight on- poof- gone again. maybe it is all i need to keep me going without going completely nutso.
in thinking about this milestone of my friend's (& my journey so far) i had the oddest thought. i was actually glad that i have struggled with ttc. blasphemy- i know, but let me explain. i am not happy for the struggle itself- i would much rather have had the condom break & been surprised- but since that's not what happened- i have to deal with it. it hasn't been easy & i haven't been 100% proud of how i have been- i know we all have those moments we wish could just be erased- but i have gotten to a point i never thought i could make it too & still be positive at all. the other reasoni am glad is that my husband has been right there beside me through it all. he has truly been my rock & support. we are high school sweethearts- so it has definitely been a rocky road to this point in our lives- but i now feel like we can get through anything. we've grown up together in every sense & i can't imagine anyone else that could not only sustain me & make me laugh on the worst of days- but that i would want to go through this with & for.
plus- i know that having gone through a struggle- you truly appreciate the gifts that life does give you. it's so easy to lose sight of those while you are going through it- but i know the minute i hold my child in my arms it will be worth it a thousand times over.
oddly enough i think that i am starting to feel the barest glimmer of hope coming back. nothing big- i certainly don't think "this is so it!" like i have in the past- but i can see it in my peripheral vision. once i look straight on- poof- gone again. maybe it is all i need to keep me going without going completely nutso.
in thinking about this milestone of my friend's (& my journey so far) i had the oddest thought. i was actually glad that i have struggled with ttc. blasphemy- i know, but let me explain. i am not happy for the struggle itself- i would much rather have had the condom break & been surprised- but since that's not what happened- i have to deal with it. it hasn't been easy & i haven't been 100% proud of how i have been- i know we all have those moments we wish could just be erased- but i have gotten to a point i never thought i could make it too & still be positive at all. the other reasoni am glad is that my husband has been right there beside me through it all. he has truly been my rock & support. we are high school sweethearts- so it has definitely been a rocky road to this point in our lives- but i now feel like we can get through anything. we've grown up together in every sense & i can't imagine anyone else that could not only sustain me & make me laugh on the worst of days- but that i would want to go through this with & for.
plus- i know that having gone through a struggle- you truly appreciate the gifts that life does give you. it's so easy to lose sight of those while you are going through it- but i know the minute i hold my child in my arms it will be worth it a thousand times over.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Jackie is a punk
i love the Ramones- they make me happy.
i have to say that my hubby is the greatest. no matter how shitty of a day/week.minth/etc. i am having- he always makes me smile. even if it means running around the house dancing on tables- he will do it. only in the privacy of our home- but he still does it.
he makes the all the waiting slightly more bearable.
we did have a lot of long talks the past few days. about life in general & kids in specific. he is not too hot on getting a s/a. the only way i could even get him to consider it is by describing (in graphic detail) a few of the procedures used on women. he is also not too hot on IUI. no one ~wants~ that, but i am still not sure if it will be an option for us. of course i don't even want to think about all this- but i might as well start wrapping my brain around this stuff. i/we have already decided that IVF is not for us. we definitely can't afford it now- and when we could afford it i would probably rather go to adoption.
i am a list maker & an organizer. i like having all my options known & thought out well in advance. i am great at planning & can throw a party together quickly because i already have the recipes & decorations & have thought out what order i need to do everything in. he is not like this- he is spontaneous & makes decisions based on gut instincts & the emotions of the moment. we are a good mix because of this, but it makes it hard for me to try & plan (even though you never can plan life) our future options.
i have to say that my hubby is the greatest. no matter how shitty of a day/week.minth/etc. i am having- he always makes me smile. even if it means running around the house dancing on tables- he will do it. only in the privacy of our home- but he still does it.
he makes the all the waiting slightly more bearable.
we did have a lot of long talks the past few days. about life in general & kids in specific. he is not too hot on getting a s/a. the only way i could even get him to consider it is by describing (in graphic detail) a few of the procedures used on women. he is also not too hot on IUI. no one ~wants~ that, but i am still not sure if it will be an option for us. of course i don't even want to think about all this- but i might as well start wrapping my brain around this stuff. i/we have already decided that IVF is not for us. we definitely can't afford it now- and when we could afford it i would probably rather go to adoption.
i am a list maker & an organizer. i like having all my options known & thought out well in advance. i am great at planning & can throw a party together quickly because i already have the recipes & decorations & have thought out what order i need to do everything in. he is not like this- he is spontaneous & makes decisions based on gut instincts & the emotions of the moment. we are a good mix because of this, but it makes it hard for me to try & plan (even though you never can plan life) our future options.
Friday, June 15, 2007
hopefully...
hope is a very elusive thing for me right now. i feel like i have lost track of it. i used to be so optimistic too. now- i am not saying i have become a pessimist, but i have noticed that my lack of visualization has led to an absence of hope lately. i am trying to recover from this, but it's hard. it is just such an odd feeling to be so focused on one thing for 8 months of your life & be so hopeful that ~this~ is the month. then it isn't. you cry- you sob- you throw a little pity party. then you pick yourself back up & get back in the game. hope returns & you are once again sure that ~this~ is the month.
now i am not sure. it's not even close to time for the "trying" portion this month & I am already sure it will be a wash. hope has not returned. i am just too damn tired of being let down.
i am hoping that hope returns, but hope hurts. i sit at my desk every day & every time i look right i see my 38 weeks pregnant friend. i get to hear about all the "fun stuff" as she calls it about being pregnant and how she can't wait until it's over. i can't even see it happening to me period. my hope of ever getting to be in her shoes is fading by the day as she counts down to seeing her perfect little miracle. every time i hold a baby i no longer think when me- but why not me. it really sucks & i just want it to stop. the absolute worst part is that there is nothing in the world that i can do right now to make it better. i can only keep doing what i am, have sex at all the right times (and even the wrong ones) and wait. wait to ovulate. wait to see if it worked. wait to ovulate again.
thank god for my husband. he is strong when i need him to be & he is trying his little heart out to pick me back up. he's not used to doing it because i have always been able to pick myself up before- but he is learning. now if he can just remember when we should get it on & manage to get me pregnant before i come crashing down again- that would be ideal ;o)
now i am not sure. it's not even close to time for the "trying" portion this month & I am already sure it will be a wash. hope has not returned. i am just too damn tired of being let down.
i am hoping that hope returns, but hope hurts. i sit at my desk every day & every time i look right i see my 38 weeks pregnant friend. i get to hear about all the "fun stuff" as she calls it about being pregnant and how she can't wait until it's over. i can't even see it happening to me period. my hope of ever getting to be in her shoes is fading by the day as she counts down to seeing her perfect little miracle. every time i hold a baby i no longer think when me- but why not me. it really sucks & i just want it to stop. the absolute worst part is that there is nothing in the world that i can do right now to make it better. i can only keep doing what i am, have sex at all the right times (and even the wrong ones) and wait. wait to ovulate. wait to see if it worked. wait to ovulate again.
thank god for my husband. he is strong when i need him to be & he is trying his little heart out to pick me back up. he's not used to doing it because i have always been able to pick myself up before- but he is learning. now if he can just remember when we should get it on & manage to get me pregnant before i come crashing down again- that would be ideal ;o)
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
so- my husband is trying to be psychic
this cycle has me down. really low down where it has taken a lot to try to get back up to whatever 'normal' is these days. (thank goodness for my girls- or i would be even more pathetic)
so in one of my rambling, ranting, pity party moments i asked my husband if he thinks it's even in our future to have a baby. he responds that he does- but if we don't get pregnant it's not the end of the world because we will be adopting. (now- we have always planned to adopt a child- we both feel very strongly about it & have for years. wanting our own biological child is relatively new- especially for him. so when he said that- i was not surprised. i was surprised by my knee-jerk reaction of utter sandess over not giving birth, but that's off topic. )he then went on to say that he thinks by next june we will have a child in the house- whichever way it happens.
he also said that he would prefer adoption because he would like me to stay his 'trophy wife' & not 'get fat after having a baby'. ha. ha. ha. why are men's attempts at jokes always so much worse than just not funny? he definitely has the male trait of saying the completely wrong thing at the completely wrong time. - it did make me giggle just a little because at least he tried- right?
so- stay tuned. if i get pregnant in the next 4 months- he's right. if not- who knows when adoption comes into the picture. i know it's there- but i don't think it just yet...
so in one of my rambling, ranting, pity party moments i asked my husband if he thinks it's even in our future to have a baby. he responds that he does- but if we don't get pregnant it's not the end of the world because we will be adopting. (now- we have always planned to adopt a child- we both feel very strongly about it & have for years. wanting our own biological child is relatively new- especially for him. so when he said that- i was not surprised. i was surprised by my knee-jerk reaction of utter sandess over not giving birth, but that's off topic. )he then went on to say that he thinks by next june we will have a child in the house- whichever way it happens.
he also said that he would prefer adoption because he would like me to stay his 'trophy wife' & not 'get fat after having a baby'. ha. ha. ha. why are men's attempts at jokes always so much worse than just not funny? he definitely has the male trait of saying the completely wrong thing at the completely wrong time. - it did make me giggle just a little because at least he tried- right?
so- stay tuned. if i get pregnant in the next 4 months- he's right. if not- who knows when adoption comes into the picture. i know it's there- but i don't think it just yet...
Monday, June 11, 2007
quiet
waiting is the worst part of this game.
nothing much to say or do but wait for the next round of crushing hope.
hopefully the outcome is a surprise. either not crushed or elated.
nothing much to say or do but wait for the next round of crushing hope.
hopefully the outcome is a surprise. either not crushed or elated.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
irony
i don't put much stock into horoscopes & this is why- todays:
You will reach an important milestone today, and you will feel awfully proud of yourself. But when it comes to celebrating this momentous event, you need to know your limits -- financial, emotional and physical. Go for a more restrained approach -- opt for a nice dinner out or a spiffy new pair of shoes, but don't book any first-class flights or start shopping for a sports car! The focus should be on you and your accomplishments, not on ostentatiously crowing about what you've achieved. -
WTF???
i am supposed to be celebrating today- but instead i am crushed. my husband is crushed. i know i'll get over it & back into the game- but i don't want to go past trying for 7 months. don't get me wrong- i know that 7 months is NOTHING. every statistic says that normal healthy couples with perfect timing can take a year or more- it doesn't make it more fun to go through or any easier. i don't want to have this be the focus of my life anymore. unfortunately i can't just turn it off- it's too imortant to me, to us. the worst part is- i still am driving myself crazy thinking it could possibly be wrong. maybe's hurt more than no's.
You will reach an important milestone today, and you will feel awfully proud of yourself. But when it comes to celebrating this momentous event, you need to know your limits -- financial, emotional and physical. Go for a more restrained approach -- opt for a nice dinner out or a spiffy new pair of shoes, but don't book any first-class flights or start shopping for a sports car! The focus should be on you and your accomplishments, not on ostentatiously crowing about what you've achieved. -
WTF???
i am supposed to be celebrating today- but instead i am crushed. my husband is crushed. i know i'll get over it & back into the game- but i don't want to go past trying for 7 months. don't get me wrong- i know that 7 months is NOTHING. every statistic says that normal healthy couples with perfect timing can take a year or more- it doesn't make it more fun to go through or any easier. i don't want to have this be the focus of my life anymore. unfortunately i can't just turn it off- it's too imortant to me, to us. the worst part is- i still am driving myself crazy thinking it could possibly be wrong. maybe's hurt more than no's.
Friday, June 1, 2007
butterflies
i don'tknow if i am more scared to see what i want or what i expect. i actually have that gut feeling (hope) again & it's scaring the crap out of me. i don't want to think too far ahead and i don't want to get carried away- but i do want that more than anything & there is no way to stop my brain from thinking about it & nothing else. why does time crawl when we need it to fly?
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