really- this can stop now

cycle day 22 & another temperature dip. My chart is above. the good news is that i started opk's again. i was just so frustrated & then my temp jumped up a little & there was no point. last night there was a line- faint but there- this morning it is definitely about half as dark as the control line. i know my lh surge is pretty quick- hence the 2x a day testing, so maybe by tonight or tomorrow there will actually be a positive. fingers crossed...

of course- this means a few things

1) i will officially have an "old" egg

2) i get more sex tonight & hopefully tomorrow. definitely a plus.

3) i would be max 6 dpo at my friends wedding. if ovulation was today. i would not freak myself out over a glass of wine.

4) i will be due to get af the day before my birthday- which just so happens to be my friend's daughter's baptism.

i have thought for a good couple of months that i will not be pregnant before i turn 28. i don't know why, when we started out i was convinced that i would be holding our baby, or at least ready to pop, by this time. what a difference a year makes.

update: a positive opk at 3:30. we are on- come on granny egg!

oh- and the roommate is getting rid of the drooling monster (bulldog) because he bit me. bad. no blood drawn but it hurts. so stress levels will go down. i feel bad for the roommate- but i am glad he can recognize that an angressive dog that attacks people is not good, or acceptable for this house. hopefully tomorrow or the next day the dog will be gone to a bulldog rescue- after all i don't want him offed- just out of my house.

retail therapy

sample sales are amazing! i had never been to one before today & i have fallen in love.

designer clothes heaped on tables & in boxes on a church mission lawn downtown. i went with a friend who is a seasoned pro. she had 2 big bags for stuffing & told me the best way is to just pile a bunch of clothes you like & sort later. we got there around 11-11:30, we were there until almost 1:30. all said & done i got:
- 2 super soft long sleeve t's
- 4 tank tops in assorted styles & colors
- 8 t's in assorted styles & colors
- 2 cute hats
- 1 purple sweater
- 1 pair of black skinny bermuda shorts (i have been looking for about a year for the perfect
pair)
-1 pair comfy olive linen pants
-1 adorable navy, white, & green tennis style skirt
- 2 shirts for tom
- 2 shirts for my best friend because they were just too perfect to pass up & our birthday is
coming up- we have the same one.
-1 bracelet & 1 necklace
-1 green retro print paper latern for color inspiration for the office (hopefully nursery , soon?)

i should be locked up- i stole all this for the paltry sum of $25. AND every penny goes to the mission & helps to feed the hungry right here in my city.

of course- part of me is secretlky hoping that since i now have this adorable new wardrobe & am finally back down to my pre-surgery size- wham! BFP. ha- a girl can dream, right? at least i will look damn good while i'm waiting...

friday night in the city

i need some time for reflection right now, a lot is going through my brain right now.

last night i went out to dinner with my best friend & her boyfriend. it was a lovely time- walking throught the city on a perfect early fall night. eating outside at a wonderful little italian byob and talking & laughing for a good 2 hours. then we went out to a club to see their roommate spin. something i haven't done in years. it really was fantastic & relaxing. i could people watch to my heart's content & not think once about ttc.


then at one point my friend (so close she calls me her sister by another mother) said something about her little belly. she has always been that rail thin androgynous type- you know, the one who actually looks good in skinny pants & leggings. well she now has developed little (for me- big for her) boobs & a cute little pot belly. the next words out of her mouth - can you guess - "what if i'm pregnant" we talked about it a little & i asked her if she had any symptoms & if she did she should just take a test- she said she already had & was sure she wasn't. but this little conversation selfishly took my mind right back to my own situation.

while i love my best friend dearly & really do love to see her happy (if she was pregnant i would be there 110% for her) she is not ready or really wanting to be a mom right now. by her own admission. she knows that i am coming up on my year & that i am having a hard time. i want to be next dammit. but she also knows enough to stop talking about it when i start to act a total fool in a club & tears start to fall as i think about my empty (& yet still sadly squishy) belly.

we are fast approaching the one year mark. the dreaded anniversary that i never wanted to see. i will soon start down the long & potentially harrowing road of tests and treatments. all i want is to just relax a little before that happens & hope that a miracle slips in when i am not looking. but i am pretty sure it won't happen like that. hell- i don't even know when or if i ovulated, or will, this month. while this has given tom & i more opportunities for some seriously good lovin- who knows what's going on. my cycle is anything but normal- especially for me


i see my "friend" who is about to come back to work after having her surprise baby & i can't help but be sad that it isn't me. she brought her in to work yesterday & the look of utter contentment on her face- the way her daughter followed her voice- i am crushed that i don't have the possibility of that right now. i am terrified that that possibility may not even be in my future. that the unknown will be even more terrifying after becoming known. i will most likely have to go through another couple office pregnancies- seeing the happy glow & contented belly rubs every single day & not be the one doing the rubbing. i will undoubtedly receive many pregnancy and birth announcements before i am able to give my own. i will have to listen to many a full bellied pregnant woman complain about how much pregnancy sucks & she wishes it was just over already (can you believe the nerve!). i would give up a lot to have that- and every day i get to know that it is just randomly given away- never based on worth or trial. it doesn't matter if you want a child so desperately that you will take out a second mortgage for a chance, or if children are the last thing in the world that you want. life is random & it sucks.

wtf

my chart is driving me crazy- it looks like the Rockies. seriously- what is going on here- jenn to ovaries- can you bastards please cooperate some time before october- thanks...

amazing

i feel so much better. after a rather shitty day at work- long story, don't want to relive how i fucked up, my wonderful husband had the trike waiting. we rode all through the city- from northeast all the way south to the stadiums. dinner & a really nice talk, then to south street to get coffee at our friends cafe. perfect.

now to bed & tomorrow will be brand new.

it's all about the timing

i'm pretty sure yesterday was the day. i just need two more days of high(er) temps to confirm it. small temp rise this morning. all other signs (cm, position, etc) consistent with ovulation having just ended. which means that this cycle is probably a bust too.
tom is starting to get sick, he is run down, he is getting very anxious & depressed because the shop has been slowing down the past three weeks instead of getting busier. so sex has been the last thing on his mind. (i feel selfish just putting it down that way) i think this cycle was never meant to be- everything that has been going on this month has just been anxiety, depression, & a general black cloud hanging over the two of us. as much as i am trying to stay positive & ignore it- i'm certainly not holding out any hope that this was the one.

oh- and due to his depressed & anxious state over the shop- he hasn't even called the doctor's back to make an appointment, despite my offer to take care of it all for him. what can you do... hope next month is better & work really hard to make it that way.

so confused

i still can't quite get the hang of opk's. i test in the morning & in the evening figuring i would rather over test & see a positive than test only once a day & miss it. but tonight's opk line was pretty non existent. which means that darkest i have seen was on saturday afternoon. which if i actually did O in friday would make sense. it wasn't positive, but it was close. unless i get a real positive tomorrow- i think i have missed it. it's so frustrating. but nothing i do can change any of it.

on a bright note- i guess: tom is going to go to my doctor- he just has to sign up to have them as his primary & make the appointment. he wants a full work-up, so i am feeling pretty proud of him for even taking this step. he is a big baby when it comes to doctors. he has not been to a doctor in years- the most common reasson i hear is "i don't need a doctor to tell me i'm sick" or "i don't need to go to a doctor to know i'm going to die". it always drives me nuts, but he's a stubborn italian with an extreme fatalistic streak. he's more of a drama queen than i can be sometimes. but he is hopefully finally realizing that he needs to do this- i don't really care if he's doing it for me or for him at this point- i'm just glad he's going.

of course- he is engrossed in the vh1 show the pick.up artist right now. so he obviously needs some sort of professional help. if you've never seen it- please don't watch it, just google it & find a photo of the supposed master pick.up artist. then laugh hysterically at the thought of this guy actually attempting to get your number.

safe- i hope

97.29- no crosshairs- no ovulation yet. i hope. sex last night (awesome by the way) so we are much better off than before. this morning's opk was light again, but i test again in the afternoon just so i don't miss it. i still don't have much hope for this cycle, but i will feel better about it getting a positive opk & at least having reasonably good timing.

97.48

my temp was up again this morning. yesterday's opk had a line- about half as light as the control. today's is almost stark white. if my temp is anywhere above 97.48 tomorrow morning, fertility friend gives me crosshairs at cd13, this friday. the earliest i would have o'd in the past 2 years. by at least 3 days.
meaning that the marathon we were planning on starting today is completely useless. the last time we had sex was monday- almost a week ago- 4 days before my supposed ovulation. and if he really does have an issue with his boys- well, then i can count this cycle as out too.

so i really hope my temp is down tomorrow. i am rationalizing this morning's high temp because we went to an oktoberfest party last night. i was drinking homemade beer- which was so delicious, but i have no idea how strong it was. i guess it was pretty strong and i think i didn't eat enough- so i got sick. at the party. i have never done that before- never in high school, never in college. i have definitely gotten ill from drinking, but i always made it out of the party- i only ever got sick in public once (outside an adult video store, hee hee)

my one friend was there- she is one of the 4 friends that i have actually told about tom & i trying. she was so sweet standing in the bathroom, bringing me water- i am pretty sure that i babbled on about being so worried about tom & his boys, about being worried that we missed our chance this cycle, that i was really worried i would never get to know what pregnant feels like. stupid homemade beer. she just gave me a hug & said that it would all be okay. and i felt so much better- but i have to give her a call & send her some flowers for being there for my drunken meltdown.

so-long story long- it's completely feasable that my high temperature is sick & drunken night related. only tomorrow will tell for sure. but those opk's have me thinking....

just get your butt back in line

the theme of this past year (almost 2!) has been waiting. last march tom & i started having the kids conversations. i was pretty ready- he was a little behind me. then wham- rush to hospital in the worst pain i have ever experienced. found out about my congenital defect of the kidney that over 26 years had shut the entire organ down completely. this began the waiting to get healthy period. tests, doctors visits, a stent, and finally a surgery to remove it. then wait to recover & get back to normal life. in between march & august the desire to start a family became very strong. i realized just how short life really can be- anything can happen at any time. waiting any longer just made no sense. but i had to. wait until my body gets back to normal. we didn't wait all that long- only 3 months. so i am sure that's at least part of the reason i haven't gotten pregnant in almost a year. but i've been waiting for 18 months.

now that we are able to really try- i am still waiting. wait for ovulation, wait for af, wait for signs that never come - or mean nothing when they do. wait for my husband to finally come through on his promise from august to get tested. (more on that later) wait for my doctor visit to start testing. wait for a couple more months to make sure i am really being fair.

beyond that though- i feel like i have been waiting for a lot of things. i am waiting to see a difference at my job- to finally hear my boss say my name as that example of the best____ in the office. i hear a lot of that- x is the person to go to for finishes, y is who you see about space planning, z is a whiz on the computer. what the hell am i? maybe nothing. but i'm still waiting to hear it. i am waiting to hear that my sister is getting better instead of worse. i am waiting for my husband's shop to take off & supprt us- at least enough so we can have 2 salaries & maybe save up a little.

so- back to the dear hubby- he swore up & down that he would go & get tested because he couldn't bear to see me hurt every month & not do something about it. bullshit. he is now either to busy to even find a doctor- or he claims it's too expensive! how the hell does he know how expensive it is without even calling a doc??!! if anyone has some ballpark numbers for a s/a- please let me know so i can convince him that he has no excuses anymore.
i am especially concerned after the conversation i had with my mother-in-law last night. she told me that he had surgery to fix a hernia at 2 months old (and it was definitely the kind that can affect fertility). so now i have to obsessively google this, which brings up some different statistics ranging from really scary to mildly concerning. but he really just needs to get checked out. i have been thinking for so long that i am the problem. the reason we haven't gotten pregnant, whether it's due to my surgery and not being fully recovered or some other reason we don't know yet. but it could be him. it could be both. so now i get to wait to find out.

and to make matters worse- target was out of opk's except for the digitals & i refuse to spend $30 for 7 sticks when I can get 20 for $20. so i have to go to another store to find them. but my temperature jumped up this morning looking suspiciously like a spike. if i didn't know better i would say that i O'ed, but i highly doubt it- it would have put O at day 13 & that would be not only insanely early for me, but horrible timing since we have been way too tired for sex lately, it's been about 5 days. so now i have to go out & get some OPK's and make sure that i haven't missed it. if i have i will be stunned & so pissed. this is supposed to be our big hurrah- a few great efforts & perfect timing before we start the next phase of ttc. a last ditch effort basically. it would figure that my body would rebel against that...

i need ideas

halloween party for my job. a little over a month from now. very very low budget. husband & i are both going & need costumes.

there's a theme- dead rock stars/musicians/celebrities. the idea is to be twisted about it. for example: dead elvis walking around with the toilet seat on his head. karen carpenter with a ham sandwich necklace. these are my bosses ideas- so i can push it, but i am at a loss right now.

marylin monroe is out. selena is taken (i so could have done it with my butt too!) michael hutchence would have been great for tom- but it's already taken too.

any thoughts?

aaarrr

i have almost nothing to even write about right now. my life is just on auto pilot. granted it's autopilot at 3,000 miles per hour- but none the less.

work is crazy busy- the week is already half gone & i can't catch my breath. i had a shitty day on monday- nothing major overall-just little things that added to an emotional explosion. i woke up after a horrible dream where i essentially just screamed at my crazy snaggle toothed aunt (unfortunately the snaggle tooth is real, not dream) that she should take her stupid basinet cover back because i am not pregnant & i am never going to be pregnant. i literally woke up panicked. then i had a crappy meeting at work with my boss- shouldn't have been crappy, the end result was a better product, but i was left feeling pretty worthless. not so much from comments or reactions from my boss- just a by-product of having her not like what i had done- on top of my panicked thought that my dream was actually prophetic.

well- yesterday was a blur & today is just as fast- today's redeaming grace is that it is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Tom was thrilled getting up this morning & hilarity ensued with many "shiver me timbers", "swab that deck", "walk that plank" conversations. i had to call my sister since she is the one that told me about this illustrious holiday last year. instead of "hello" she got an "aaarrrr". she was very happy- which is nice because she isn't working anymore due to her sleep disorder & i know she can use some good times too. she then said it was really nice to hear me happy because she had a bad dream about me the other night in which i was completely depressed & angry & hurt about something. it was the same night as my dream. causing even further useless thoughts about the esp connection between sisters & the various claimed psychic abilities of the women in my family. all bollocks- but the thoughts persist.

so today's lunch time conversation somehow comes back to pregnacy or babies- i don't even remember how. it's extremely common since i work with 80/20 women to men. no big deal- except when that one strange employee- we all have one of those, says "i wonder who will be the next to get pregnant. not it!" real quick like in grade school. not even a terribly strange or annoying thing to do- but i immediately thought to myself that i could not take it if she is next. i have thought at 2 other women's baby showers in the past year that "next time will be for me". and it isn't. i am starting to come to terms with the fact that having a child for us really does mean a struggle, with medical intervention a strong possibility. i have even come to terms with the fact that i will see my friends get pregnant (& possibly deliver) before i even get that second line. i still struggle with it- but the thoughts and plans are forming & it's not as scary as i once thought it might be. but i CAN NOT come to terms with the fact that i may not be the next, or 2nd, or even 3rd baby shower in my office. i work with really great people- most of who i consider friends & coworkers and quite a few who would be fantastic mothers that i really could be happy for. but to sit through yet another happy moment for someone else & have to hear the list being ticked off- "who's next?" i think i would crumple in front of everyone just when i want to be strong.

of course- i could be over thinking this- who knows, maybe i will be next...

ah well- hopefully i will o soon & have something more interesting to occupy my mind.

catharsis

i spent a few hours yesterday surfing around other blogs. i have done this superficially previously- randomly clicking on links from comments, but yesterday was different. i was immersed, i dove in & only came up for air after three good crys and numerous belly laughs. i know that 90% of the women (and a few men) that i found have no idea i exist, let alone how much their words & experiences mean to me, but i just want to take a moment to say thank you. thank you for making my problems seem smaller & easier to handle while at the same time letting me know that i am not crazy or wrong for my thoughts & feelings. thank you for saying things that sound like they have come straight from my head. thank you for sharing your heartache & experience. thank you for making whatever i am to face in this future of ttc that much easier to bear.

i have updated my page a little to include the thread of infertility. The story behind it is here: common thread. i do not yet know if i am to be included in the 'infertiles' category- it is something i will find out one way or the other in the next few months, but the thread has touched me & i think that it is a beautiful & wonderful thing to share. so although i hope more than anything not to be a member of this strong & beautiful group- i am thankful for everything i have read & gotten from them.

one of the hardest things about having a problem conceiving your child is the loneliness you feel. i am blessed to have a wonderful group - my ladies- who understand even better than i do how i feel and what i am going through. i have to say giant thank yous to all of them. i know that they will be there for me no matter what happens with their knowledge & love. i hope my ladies get what we all hope & dream for- they have hurt far worse than i will ever know & no one deserves a beautiful baby bump more.
i am also very lucky to be able to have my sister & a great friend who are there for me every day & offer unconditional support. I have never heard them say 'just relax'. thank you for that & so much more. i would not be the same without you there for me.

it is hard to go through everyday & hear- 'so when are you guys going to have kids' from random people like the neighbors. all i want to do is scream back 'whenever my stubborn eggs & his slow swimmers decide to stop fucking around & get together'. but i still bite my tongue. i still either ignore the question as rude, or come back with the standard 'when it's time' nonsense. so to have this common thread- a physical sign that no one is alone in this, is a beautiful wonderful thing to me. i may never get up the nerve to tell my story to my neighbors face, but i will wear the thread & hope that if i am to be included under the label of infertility- someone else will know that they are not alone either.

I am a total wimp

after a slighlty pitiful night of feeling sorry for myself because i found out about yet another preggo- i have decided that i just can not face going to a birthday party for the 8 year old son of my husband's business partner. the only reason i was going in the first place was because the adorable kid in question personally invited us. i really hate to back out of a promise to a kid. but i just can't do it today. i am thinking way too much about the unfairness of the world. wonderful women with the best of hearts can not get pregnant. i am stuck in my own selfish thoughts and can not sit & be good with a room full of parents. not when all i can think of is why not me- when do i get to watch my child open his presents.

i am trying so hard to not think this way. it's a struggle. i constantly remind myself that i need to be more fair to myself. i am still within a year of trying. i only had my kidney out a year & a month ago. i need to stop stressing myself out unnecessarily. i need to rememeber that it WILL be my turn. i need to stop my fucking whining. but i don't need to hang out with 8 year olds today.

good times

hopefully last night is the start of a stretch of good. i know i could use it...





tom told me to prepare for adventure before i got home. this is what i came home to:

he borrowed his friend's trike because he wanted to take me out to new hope, pa. it's a cute little artsy town that a lot of bikers go to to hang out. it's by the river, picturesque, & quaint yet trendy. he usually ends up there once a weekend on his rides alone. i can't ride with him on his bike because it's just not comfortable & i get scared of it. so he borrowed this because he wants me to be with him. and it was fun! i had to bundle up because it got very cold, but i was so comfortable! the trike has a back seat & basically a car suspension. which means that it's like riding in a less comfortable, more windy convertable!

we had dinner in new hope & had a really nice talk. i can't say that anything was really discussed or decided, but i feel better. riding back we were both freezing, but it was my favorite time. just riding, hugging my best friend & true partner in everything, watching the night fly by. it was wonderful. i actually feel better about a lot of things. new hope is pretty ironic- i don't necessarily have hope yet, but i can feel something. maybe a corner has been turned? i am slowly preparing myself for starting the testing process, but you know- it's not as scary or as immediate as i once thought. i'm in the middle of cycle 11, but that doesn't mean that once cycle 12 is over- there's anything wrong with me. i can wait & be patient about getting testing, hell- about getting pregnant. at this point i know it's not happening immediately, but that's okay. i have my best friend that still loves spending time with me- and actually told me that he thinks i would look good with gray hair! i hope he's right, because unless i keep a positive attitude & the stress down- i will have a full head of it soon (it's already starting!)

stupidity

i have been debating with myself about even writing about my experience yesterday. i wanted to get some more info first. but i think i need to get it down- if only so i can look back. this post is not for the squeamish- if you are- stop reading now.

yesterday i woke up to blood, a lot of blood. it's not entirely unheard of to soak through a feminine product during the night- so i didn't give it too much thought. but after getting ready & walking the dogs- i had to run to the bathroom again. another change, but this time in addition to some unusually heavy flow there were a few clots. one about dime sized. i am a little curious at this point- not entirely concerned, this is still in the realm of normal- if not normal of late- it has happened to me before.

after driving to work & checking in after a week on vacation- i have to go to the bathroom again. third tampon in roughly two & a half hours. I am now starting to get slightly concerned. half an hour later- i need to go check again- i have now actually had leakage. and then the scariest thing i have ever seen leave my body- a golf ball sized clot, frighteningly dark red. i am now freaked out. i have never experienced this- it is not even 10 am on my first day back to work & i don't have time to be scared like this. i called my doctor & the receptionist says i should just go to the er because that's where they would send me anyway. i decided that i would rather wait & see if it continues. i tell myself it's because i have too much to do at work & i can't take the time to sit around just to be told to go home & relax. i plan on getting another full work up in a few months, so anything that is really wrong will be found then.

but the real reason is i am a chickenshit. i am terrified to hear that i actually had a chemical pregnancy or a miscarraige. now- i had a negative test on saturday so this is unlikely, but it is immediately where my thoughts & fears go to. it is also the first thought of my husband & my mother- who i only told because she is a nurse & i was hoping to hear some comforting words like- this is normal, don't worry. so i don't go. i decided to wait until lunch & see how it is. lunch comes & still heavy, but no clots. great. i get my lunch & eat it, another check- another big scary clot. huge internal debates about going to the hospital ensue. on the one hand- if it is my worst fear- at least i know. at least i have an answer & a reason for some tests right then & there. but i still am more scared of hearing that it is even possible that my greatest wish came true & was crushed before i even knew about it. so i stay.

at 3:30- last check- no more clots & flow seems normal. i couldn't look anything up at work & my laptop was being worked on at home. so tonight i search for menses & clots. turns out there are about 300 reasons they happen & sometimes it's just a fluke. it seems that if it happens again- i should stop my stupid waiting & go to the er. and i will. i just couldn't face the thought yesterday- irrational as my head says it was. of course i still think i should have just gone- get some free (kind of) testing & maybe get a head start on some answers. but i was just not strong enough. i know it's stupid, i know i should have just gone & gotten checked out, but explaining anything to my heart right now is pretty much a losing battle.

this morning- i wake up & i feel fine. better than fine- i feel pretty great. today was actually really good. completely normal in the af department- she is in fact rather lighter than she usually is at this point. plus i pass my test & my job- although having it's own challenges today- seems to be really solid. i am feeling the love. i just want to pretend yesterday didn't happen. plus this is the start of cycle 11. i want to try some hope for the next couple months. i have to- a year will hit hard pretty soon with the start of a new & scary chapter of testing & procedures & i want to pretend everything is just fine for a little longer.

i did it!!!

it's official- i am a LEED Accredited Professional! what this really means is mounds of paperwork & higher fees for my firm, hopefully a raise for me (eventually), and- oh yeah- i will slowly help to educate people about the huge impact that the building industry has on the environment & how we can actually do something about it.

i am so excited! i got 70.6% correct- passing is 60%, so i didn't do terrifically well, but i don't entirely suck either. the test itself was the most difficult one i have ever taken. all of the questions are multiple choice & designed specifically to trick you. pick 3 out of 5- well, 4 out of 5 really sound like they work! so i know i still have areas to work on, but experience will get those- plus i can use resources to help out unti i know it pat.

right on time

on to #11. it seemed like this last cycle i saw more pregnancy & newborns than i have in a long time. i remember noticing them more when we first started trying, but it was so much more hopeful. much more of a - that will be me soon- kind of feeling. now it is much more of a desperate feeling. i hate seeing them. i got an e-mail yesterday from my cousin that i haven't actually spoken to in over a year. i get random mass fowards & the occasional update on her 10 year old daughter, but yesterday's was the worst. "Introducing" her brand new baby daughter- complete with adorable picture. i had to delete it immediately. this woman can not even really properly care for her older child, she is being kicked out of her apartment & can't afford to pay rent. her boyfriend has no job & her daughter felt like she wasn't wanted because of the new baby. what is fair about this? why does she get this wonderful gift? why not me?

i am having these horrible thoughts about why i can't seem to get pregnant when it's all around me. i am wracking my brain as to what i have done to deserve, or not deserve, this. while my rational side knows that there is no reason, there is nothing i did or didn't do that has or will have any affect on whether i can get pregnant or not, my emotional side is conviced that the universe is punishing me for something. i am being told that i shouldn't be a mother. it's horrible to have to fight yourself like this. to keep from slipping into a pitiful depressed state of mind. because it is far too easy to do. as much as i hate hope, i also miss it. at least then i could still think i will be a mother, i will get pregnant. i will be the one to hear the heartbeat & know what it is like to create a life.

of course, i do have a shitload of hormones running around at the moment. they could be influencing these thoughts as well, you think? next week will be better. it always is. after this week i can start to look forward again. to the next round of temping & opk's. to another chance for hope. but today is about a good wallow in self-pity. making popcron & watching sappy movies that have nothing to do with my real life at the moment. pretty woman is on. perfect!

at least there's corona

temp=97.78. not a huge drop- not even below coverline. but i was prepared. peed on stick anyway= negative.

at least miss hope was only here a day. i am wearing white today in a big fuck you to af. she'll show up tomorrow.

sorry i got into the shop late today ladies- trust me if it were a positive- you probably would have heard me from the 4 corners of the country! another time.

well- sunshine, rainbows, & puppies

are bouncing all around me today. i woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, then looked at my thermometer fully expecting to see a lower temp than yesterdays - somewhere around 97.7 or 97.8. what do i see- 98.05! .2 degrees HIGHER!!! i am at 12 dpo & my temp should be falling. so of course after holding miss hope off for 12 whole days- she's shoving her way in. i actually would have tested had i looked at my temp first this morning. but now i just have to see tomorrows- if it's still above 97.9- i am testing. if it falls anywhere below 97.7, i will probably just wait for AF to show up. but at the very least it means i will have my normal lp back. last month's 12 day lp had me slightly nervous that it was getting shorter. hey- maybe i'll even have a textbook 14 day lp.

or a second line. between you & me, i am actually pretty nervous that it could be the latter. after all these months (which aren't a lot of months really) i don't even know what to do if it is a second line. i don't feel any different from any other month. i would swear in court that af is showing up right on schedule. but you do hear that a lot from preggos- right? miss hope- i'm gonna have to punch you out!!!!

some vacation

so my one & only real vacation in 2 years at this job is this week. i have been cleaning my house, going through clothes & junk & getting rid of lots of stuff i just don't need. my goal was to clean out our small bedroom/office. well- that just started to make me a little sad since that's supposed to be the nursery. i have planned that room 700 times in many different ways. so much that now it actually hurts a lot to think that if a miracle had happened- i would be walking in there with a newborn now. but it didn't & i just have to put all those thoughts on hold until it is time. so no more cleaning that room.

after straightening up the rest of the house & going through all my clothes- i decide it's time to veg out & just watch some tv. every show during the day seems to have to do with either being pregnant or being a mom. between 'baby, baby', 'a baby story', 'yummy mummy', the list goes on. of course i just have to torture myself & watch about 3 in a row. by the first half of the 3rd show the tears start. so off it goes. i know- hgtv- there's nothing to do with babies on that channel! wrong!!!! first show- 'making room for baby'. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH! off it goes. even the cooking show had a 9 months- out to there- pregnant woman on it. and i couldn't even get out of the house for more than a walk around the block because my husband brought the car to work for an oil change.

luckily today is a new day- and i can leave. daytime tv is just not for me right now. even the commercials point out how everything is about being a mother, kids are the best thing in the world- so buy them this food, or that toy. or sit & cry over the pampers cruisers commercials. no thanks- get me out of there right now!

puppy love

i have the cutest puppy in the world asleep on my arm right now- making it very difficult to type one handed. but it's okay because he is just so cute!!! i'm still at my sisters & having a very nice & relaxing visit. it's odd though to see first hand how difficult it can be for her- just an every day chore like grocery shopping wears her out. i really hope that by not working she can manage better.

i got to go out with them on my brother-in-laws boat yesterday on the James river- it's a little speed boat & so much fun! the puppy came too & went swimming- a little unwillingly, but he has a life jacket! i can't figure out where to plug my camera in- so pictures will have to wait until i get back home.



update: pictures are here!!! Nikolas the puppy after swimming, my sister, brother-in-law & the puppy, me on the boat relaxing!




my temperature has been slighlty higher overall than last month- which is good, but it's still a little low. we'll really just have to see, but i highly doubt this is it. i think our journey is a little longer yet. but this little vacation has allowed me to relax about ttc a bit. i can hang in a lot longer- i am sure that within 2 years from now we will have our child. and i can't be patient & wait a little longer. it could be worse- i could be on medication that would severly harm a pregnancy. i could be too tired to do laundry- much less chase a toddler. i could be the one trying to figure out how to live my life so that i can actually have one- not just nap through it. all in all- i am very lucky, and i am just comparing to my own sister, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of people who have tings a lot harder than i do.

well- this puppy (who is an excellent cuddler) is getting heavier on my arm. time to snuggle a little more...