sick

my house is sick. the pumpkin got it first- seemed like just a little cold picked up from starting daycare (no surprise at all there!). then it turned to a scary 104 temp spike complete with food refusal (a HUGE warning with my kid who eats more than i do) and some shallow breathing. fearing pneumonia we left for the hospital at 8:30 pm since of course these things always happen after hours to pay another $150 copay to hear 'she's fine, lungs clear, just a virus'. 24 hours later it seems that whatever it is is making her cough occasionally at night, spike a temp during afternoon nap, and generally making her super cranky all evening. she responds amazingly to ty.lenol & mo.trin and is back to eating everything in sight. she has actually been fever free for nearly 36 hours- so i am hoping that it is at least a quick bug!

the shallow breathing has not returned and the docs say it was her way of trying to cool herself off. that was really the thing that scared me and had me bringing her to the hospital.

but of course the hubs & the brother-in-law are feeling sick now too. thankfully i am still ok, but i really need to make sure i stay that way!

***a disclaimer here*** i am not sure how many readers i have left these days, and honestly don't blame anyone for never stopping by this ghost town of a blog. but if anyone does still read and is in a sensitive place right now- you may just want to stop here. i know how much news, announcements, etc, can hurt when you are working so hard towards having one of your own.*****

so- yeah- i need to stay healthy & not catch this bug because there is a little guest these days. the hub and i were shocked/stunned/bowled over to discover that we are expecting our 2nd. after going through nearly 2 years of trying with pumpkin, and the (mild though still hard & frustrating) IF treatments to get her- we had both agreed that we would not go through any art again to get pregnant. and if it happened that would be absolutely wonderful since we would both love 2 kids, but if it didn't we were happy to have our pumpkin. i hate to be the cliche- but i now am. after undiagnosed IF, IUI, and while using prophylactics, we are pregnant. extremely surprised- a little nervous due to the new job and how that will all pan out- but excited and looking forward to completing our family. because 2 is it for me. and him. i am about 16 weeks (yeah- i know i waited far longer than any if-er would to make my announcements!) but with new job means a gap in insurance, which meant a delay in the 1st appointment & i also had a round of extra tests thrown in due to the pre-e i had with pumpkin at the end. i wanted to make sure all was good before saying anything. plus- i tell work next week as i am on vaca now & while i doubt anyone reads me i.r.l. i just wanted to be a little cautious.

all is good, everything is normal with excellent test results so we are in the clear. we are going to find out the sex if we can in 3-4 weeks, no more surprises for me! we have some things from pumpkin, but a surprising & sickening amount has been recalled. i also lent out various things here & there, so i have been hitting up consignment sales & stores & now feel like i am almost ready to get out the lists & run through everything. it is exciting and also a little terrifying thinking we will have 2 kids next summer. i hope they get along (i am sure they will eventually) i hope we can continue to provide everything we consider important (a stay at home parent for a few years, education, access to fun & enriching activities, and of course every parent wants their child to have a better childhood than they did). i hope we can manage all of it and stay the strong partners we have become. i hope we don't turn into frazzled parents. i hope i can still maintain the 'jenn-ness' and the friendships that matter so much to me.

i am excited and happy- it is just a completely different, humbling, and sometimes confusing experience to have both the struggle & the surprise in 2 years.

thanks give

the pumpkin has started 'school'. part time daycare 3 days a week, a few hours a day to be precise. there were one or two rough drop-offs so far, but in reality nothing more than an extra cling, a tear or two and one pitiful little cry of 'mo-om' that flat out broke my heart. of course- by the time i made it to the door of the daycare she had already gotten into playing or something and all was quiet. she had her first piece of artwork in her cubby which i now look at in my office every day. yes- it's scribbles on an outline with some stickers- but to me it might as well be a picasso! now she wakes up and after a little crankiness at being woken up earlier than she wants (i swear this kid is the best sleeper & i am grateful every single day. i know this probably won't happen again!) she is taking about school and looking for her 'mo' - elmo backpack. she ~has~ to carry her things herself- which are of course almost as big as she is. it is an awesome time and i am thrilled and overwhelmed and excited and yes- often frustrated. the independent streak is wonderful to see and i know it is crucial and so important- but when i am running late to drop her off so i can get to work (still the only breadwinner in the family) the insistence on carrying her backpack and lunch box while walking 3 inches per minute gets old quick. thankfully she gets these great grins and says such random things that my patience finds its way back to me!

she also has learned to tickle and fist bump- both from me & the hubs. we watch jeopardy as our nightly tv & when one of us gets an answer right we fist bump- and yes- we are both proud card carrying dorks! passing it on down the family line she now does it too! she dances and 'helps' with nearly everything. i know this is all mundane and normal and every parent feels this amazement and wonder at their children's growth, but i still can't believe she's really here on random occasions. the surprise and miracle of our little lives. i know i will never shake this feeling and i am honestly glad of it. when i find myself at the end of my rope, when the 19th tantrum over not having this particular toy or snack has happened, it is made somewhat easier through remembering the feeling of dread and fear that we would never know her.

her very first craft at school was a little pilgrim hat for the holiday- with the words thanks. and give. in glitter on it- although i think it was meant as 'give thanks' i seem to prefer the other way 'round. the yoda-zen of thanks. give. give more of yourself. thank the universe for all you do have. for all the surprises, for all the hard won prizes, for new jobs, new life and a happy healthy family & home- thanks.

Today I am really missing a friend- I hate having a bad feeling about someone I care about. I hope I hear from her soon...

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little moment

i am so happy it's the weekend! this week has drug on seemingly endlessly. all the rain and cold temperatures here have me wishing i could just stay in bed & cuddle my munchkin. it is also the 'slowdown' time at work and since i am still so new that has me feeling more sluggish than ever. i have been on pretty much full throttle since 2003 so to have a quiet time with no structure or deadlines has me floundering just a bit. which makes the day longer & for the first time in a long time i find myself sitting at my desk counting down to when i can leave. which is very odd feeling for me! i am used to looking up and saying 'holy crap! it's 6pm & i should be out of here!'

things are still going along at an even keel though. the extra time and money (who am i kidding! i switched jobs for much more than just personal satisfaction!) are really nice. i was able to go outlet shopping with girlfriends last weekend and actually spent about half on myself. first time in a very long time for that!

of course- pumpkin got herself a new shoe wardrobe, really cute clothes from carter's and of course i had to take advantage of the bogo 50% off at the converse outlet! 2 pairs for less than $25- can that be beat? especially when they are so stinking cute- her very first official converse (she had knock-offs and a pair of baby slippers before this)

plus i got to spend all day with my old work buddies who i really do miss dearly. i had such a unique environment at my last job- i was (am) truly friends with almost every coworker. we would hang out on weekends and plan get togethers and outings all the time. this new job just doesn't have that. well- no job really has that! but this one i haven't found anyone i would consider being true friends with. they are all pretty nice and i eat lunch, or go out during lunch, with a bunch of them- but i just don't see myself getting the magic back that i had. and that is probably the only thing i truly miss about my old job. because the new job actually allows me to flex my creative muscles more fully than the old, i have much more autonomy and independence, and there seems to be much more confidence in my abilities from management. all of which is worth having to now work a little harder to plan outings with my former coworkers so i can still have my friends.

it is early and i have rambled on here. it's friday and time to get going- hopefully the weekend has me nice and recharged and the extra hour of sleep finally gets me refreshed!

my little model.

Checking out her new sweater- my very first pattern project.

a full month

i wish i had something to say- this poor ole blog is becoming a bit of a ghost town these days! life has been good- very crazy, very busy, but good.

all the same mundane wonderful things- took pumpkin to the pumpkin patch. she loved it. i am blown away daily by how quickly she is growing and developing. she has a new word practically every day.

every morning she wakes up with a happy 'hi' to me as i go into her room. when she is tired and wound up she now hits- not to hurt (which it rally never does) but to see our reaction. so she gets time outs on the 'naughty step'. and the faces she makes while on there either make me want to bust out laughing or crying. she starts with a cute pretend pout then breaks into a grin that could melt the coldest blackest heart. when that fails to make me stop explaining why hitting is not nice- she pouts for real & looks away. i make her look at me and that's when i get... the lip quiver. oh. my. god. this girl knows how to work it at a year and a half. but if i soldier through and ask her if she is sorry- she actually nods & says 'soh-ey' and gives me a giant hug. she is such a smart little cookie!

that's pretty much it. the hubs and i have different discipline styles. which we talk about often. the one thing we agree on is not to correct or question the other in front of her to prevent mixed messages. but as she gets older and more independent and curious and boundary pushing- we are probably going to have these discussions more & more frequently.

a few cute shots from the weekend to make up for a full month of silence!

It's official. I have a little girl- one that picks her own outfits, decides what food she loves, and has said her first sentence.

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blur

the past 2 weeks have been a bit of a blur. leaving my old job was hard- but made much easier by the wonderful coworkers who really supported me in every way. then the weekend passed in a whirlwind of toddler playtime and big girl wild nights! i took pumpkin to a wonderful huge playhouse in my city's park system that was built in 1899 and has always been a playhouse & playgrounds for children. it's always been free and it was wonderful! she loved every minute of it- being able to really run free and play with other kids- well- as much as a 17 month old really plays with anyone. she was so good- when an older boy came into the 'blocks' room with her & literally yanked the lego tower out of her hand she merely walked over to the bin & fished out some more blocks and handed them to him to play with. she is very independent, but already so considerate, easy going and sweet. until mom steps in to say no... that's a completely different story.

saturday was a girlfriend's bachelorette. whew boy. i was a sloppy fucking mess. i am not a huge drinker- i do enjoy a glass (or two) of wine, or a few beers, sometimes a few times a week. but liquor? that is a thing of the past until saturday. i lost count of how much drinking happened- the last one i took was a shot (!) in a club (!) and then everything got really hot and unbearable and... let's just say i had to be escorted back to my friend's house- where i was already crashing with many others to be safe- and then the next day there was much shoe cleaning going on. yikes. you would have thought i was 21, not 31! very embarrassing, but at least i wasn't the only one who was feeling it that night. needless to say- i really didn't leave the house on sunday or monday and just relaxed and recovered.

then tuesday started the new job. which has been great- but strange. i am not used to having the luxury of time to adjust and acclimate to a new position. i am used to being thrown in & learning as i go. but all i have really been doing is meeting with people and learning & reading & looking/absorbing information rather than actually doing. which is odd for me. for 5 years i have been busy- and even when not busy- i have never not had a task to do. i know i will get there and i will soon be wishing for these easy early days- but it's an adjustment. maybe a lesson in slowing down too. because the commute. good lord- i made it into work this morning in less than 20 minutes. i slept in until after 7! holy crap- the luxury is astounding. i can go home for lunch. i am trying to establish a good time frame too- work my 8 hours and go home. it's too easy to fall into the 9-10 hour workday. especially when i am so close to the office. i am a bit of a workhorse- so i don't mind it- but i do hate not seeing my babes until it's time for bed. i've been home for dinner & still have time for playing outside this week. as well as energy to do it.

the people are very nice so far- i am sure personalities will come out & the quirks will shine through- but i get along very well with my new boss who is who i will be working with the most one on one. so that's good. he reminds me of my dad in a way- which so far means a nice easy working relationship where i get his quirky jokes and off beat sense of humor. i hope that lasts too.

we are looking into daycare for pumpkin- maybe next month after we've had some time to sort out some lingering financials and really understand our new monthly budget. i know she will like it- she loves to spend time with other kids and generally is a very easy, happy little girl. plus i think having that structure will be really good for her. i worry (as i am sure every parent does) that we aren't doing enough for her here at home. she still only uses 'mamama' for something she wants and sporadically says 'mom' correctly to mean me. dad is a constant and frequent sound. it makes sense since he's home, but i still get concerned. her vocabulary is exploding- at least to me. i hear many different words: hair, nose, dog, kitty, yuck, diaper, dirty, belly, banana, bottle. but to anyone else you might only get: nana, baba, and eye clearly. i know it's all completely normal- but as mothers we only want the best. and as if'ers i think there is a constant close watch over our children. oddly enough- i am much less uptight about her when it comes to exploring the physical world. she shows such confidence that she walks on her own- she pretty much does stairs up on her own and when she tumbles (even from the first step up) i am not overly concerned. granted- if she fell on her head that would be different- but she typically falls on her butt first. and i am not freaked out about it anymore. i still don't like her playing standing on the couch- or on her own somewhere high up (obviously) but the dangers of casual spills have ceased to put the tight tense knot in my stomach. which- at nearly a year & a half is about freaking time.

this weekend is a big block party- which should be a ton of fun- but also quite the dangerous time for toddlers. they close the street & all the kids play in it. great if you are 10 or even 5 ad can understand when it's ok to be in the street. not so good when a time out is still wasted on you because no was just grasped and you don't like it. it will be a fun day- but exhausting for me. because of course the hub has work to do so i am on my own with the toddler wrangling.

i've also been trying to get back into knitting when she goes to bed. i finished my very first real piece of clothing. i'd made hats and scarves, baby blankets, booties and even a throw for my bed, but i completed a decent baby sweater. and now i am attempting a real sweater for me. so far it looks pretty good- but i'm only about halfway done with the pattern pieces. i think another week and it should hopefully be done. if it's any good i'll take a photo!

speaking of photos- here's a few from friday (none from saturday will ever be made public!)

relief... sweet relief

i have hinted the past few weeks to a big change coming my way & i can finally talk about it (somewhat!)

i got a new job- and have given my notice and told my current one. it was truly one of the hardest decision to make to decide that i needed a new job. i mean- i love my soon to be former job. i mostly enjoy the work i do, i am pretty darn good at it, and my coworkers are truly like family. i will most likely never have another working environment like i have enjoyed for the past 5 years.

but...

there is always a but. with the hard times- the iui & all our savings that went with it, the double layoffs, the being at home with 1 new infant, no jobs and no savings, then going back to work (yay!), but at a reduced salary & to a new location with a much dis-improved commute (40 minutes turned into 1+ hour of heavy traffic-boo!). then the bil moves in because he's in a bad spot. my folks are starting to struggle, the hubs folks are starting to struggle, everyone is feeling the economic crunch & some of our closest family's health is starting to falter & suddenly the future is looming and you see no plan- no way you can step up & be the adult you know you will inevitably have to be. and then you look at your bank balance and realize that while everything's getting paid- if you take one more hit, one more car crash, one more broken window- you will have to make impossible decisions in a budget that is already pretty much... austere. your coupons have coupons and you can't remember when you last got yourself anything new- because you have had to budget for your toddlers feet that grow an entire size in 3 weeks. then you look at that sweet little face and wonder how you will ever get to a place that you can provide the stability and opportunity that you had from your parents- much less all the more you want for her.

and you realize you need to do it. you need to take the scariest step out of comfort and into this place where you have no idea how it will be- but you have to hope that it just has to be better.

because you really truly can not go on like this any longer without at least an attempt- a fight for a better life.

yes- all of this hard time is worth it in the long run, and all is pretty valuable in the lessons i have learned. how to really budget, how to realize the true worth of things & what is needed. how to stretch a dollar until it looks like my ass in some jeggings. all truly important lessons that going forward will only help to build on this frugal foundation and help us realize our goals.

because i got a new job! a different field, a new challenge. close to home and with amazing benefits. the kind of job that on paper is making me pinch myself wondering if they really truly want me to be the one who gets it. because the competition is pretty stiff out there. just the fact that i could get an interview impressed me. that i got the job in an economy where my area is currently facing a whopping 11.9% unemployment rate is pretty mind blowing. i am excited for it & ready to take on a new challenge. the department is very small and the opportunity for growth is definitely there. which is a change from my current position. i am in a small company of very talented people that have all been there about as long as i have with about as much experience. it is hard to elbow your way through the mix & get the chance to shine- especially if you have the quiet, polite personality i do.

i plan on changing this aspect of myself in this new venture. it is my time to take all this negative experience (and amazing positive experience of motherhood, wifehood, overcoming the obstacles that have been put in our way) and turn it into opportunity and strength. i am the person i have always wanted to be, and not only do i get an opportunity that is focused on me & my personal growth- but it is an opportunity for my entire family. the benefits are countless- my husband can finally be on my health insurance. we can enroll her in daycare and the hub can get a few days a week to grow his little pet project into a more solid business. we can buy fucking christmas presents for the entire family (which will of course still be sticking to a budget- i didn't not learn anything this past year & a half!), we can finally take some deep breaths and not worry quite so much about the next small disaster that may be looming. if the car breaks we can fix it. hell- we may one day get a second one! just having options feels pretty damn amazing after so long that it felt like being stuck.

of course- i am not sure how to do a job without coming to work and seeing my 'peeps'. how do i get through my day without popping my head up & asking a question- or calling over to see how the weekend was, or whispering and commiserating with my girls. i am truly afraid that those relationships will suffer or be damaged beyond repair from neglect. i can honestly say without any exaggeration that 75% of the people i work with i consider a friend. and most are true friends to me- just a phone call away for any of life's problems. and i will be forever missing an important piece if i can't hold on to a little of that when i leave.

so it is a bittersweet week for me. i am moving forward into a brave new world that holds the promise of a brighter future for my entire family, but i also feel like i am leaving a family to do it.

ah...vacation!

so it isn't truly a guiness- but an imperial porter. as my last few days of vacation wind down I am truly happy, if a little anxious for next week.

the calm

we have our little family vacation this week. we just got back from visiting my sister, her hub & my folks. it was a very nice visit- but it is really good to be home. traveling with a toddler is really trying- don't let anyone tell you otherwise! she was a relative angel for the 8 hour ride there- traffic blew. but 7.5 hours in we had to stop for a quick stretch & to let her blow off a little toddler steam. she loved watching the trucks leave the rest stop- just walked to the edge of the parking lot & stared! she is growing & changing pretty much every day now. she has picked up new phrases- "hi-ya" complete with karate chop thanks to dad; 'sup' (for wassup), "belly", and either "shoes" or "shit" depending on the pronunciation. really hoping it's the former!

she had a lot of adventures on our trip- her first time on a boat

she really didn't like the trek out- but once we let the anchor down she was actually loving it.

we took her to the children's museum which was not all that big- but fantastic for her! just a lot of little exhibits that could be walked around in- we could let her go & just explore & not worry about losing her or her getting into anything she shouldn't. she loved the farmer market exhibit- mainly i think for the shopping... looks like we have her christmas present this year!




they had an outdoor area too- a little water park that thankfully i had a swim diaper for or she would have missed out. of course- just the diaper + the john deer riding toy= an interesting photo op!



somehow i have a true little kid now. she has been having her little meltdowns and i realize that the 'terrible twos' (or 18 months depending on which independence and boundary pushing milestone you subscribe to) are right around the corner. and it's a challenge. but we are trying the best we can. as parents we are trying to iron out our own personal styles into a unified parental front- which is a challenge. having to do it on the fly occasionally as we navigate yet another very public meltdown because the cashier at target needs to take the parmesan out of pumpkin's hand to scan it leads to some interesting decisions in the heat of the moment! a timeout was enacted this week on vacation for intentional hitting. not sure if that actually sunk in at all, but i had to do it!

i am off the rest of the week and we are just getting things in order around the house. there are many changes a-brewing and this week is a great way to recharge & get us motivated and excited for a new chapter coming up. I am nervous and a little scared- but also very happy and very much looking forward to the next few weeks. the next few days of family time & a whole week of 24/7 pumpkin time are a welcome respite. now just to figure out if we are going to hit up our local childrens museum this week too!

two years

this is the two year anniversary of the day our dream started coming true. first positive pee stick, first beta- congratulations! miracles happen sometimes and mine is fast asleep snuggled with her blanky and her puppy doll upstairs. my heart is overflowing every night to come home to her little face lighting up to see me. and my world is complete when i get sloppy baby kisses and squeezing hugs.

and ironically enough- af shows up tonight in a twist i never saw coming... the infertile nervous that she might not get her period. don't get me wrong- if we are ever lucky enough to get that surprise bfp we will be overjoyed- but right this second in our lives it would be extremely difficult. i want pumpkin to have more time as the baby first off. and i know that financially we would end up stuck at a level i am scared to be in. we would always do everything we had to to make it work- but i just want a little breathing room before that happens! so- the hubs and i will be discussing the b-word...

almost a month?

i can't believe it's been almost a month between posts... things are still basically the same around here. lots of stress, anxiety & worry about many things. the in-laws were in a car accident. everyone's fine but that had us all worried for a while there. it also makes me realize just how much i wish i had my family closer sometimes. i look at my friends who all have family in the area & there is such a strong support network. my friends have become my family- but i know it is never really the same for them. which is fine- but it also means that i rely on them to fill a role they may not be able to. lately i am the needy friend- try as i do not to be. but my friends are fantastic and i am truly blessed to have many wonderful true friends i know i can count on.

lately i have been losing my positive attitude. frankly i am amazed it has taken this long with the past couple of years. but i am in a definite funk & it is taking a major toll. it just feels like lately there have been sucker punches left & right. work is busy- sometimes too busy & then a stressful project comes along. punch. my manager/mentor is leaving. punch. my car gets totalled. punch. my in-laws are in a car wreck. punch. i am too broke to put gas in the car at the end of the month without starting to charge things (which after what we have gone through getting ourselves out of debt i refuse to do) punch. we can not afford a vacation because 2 trips to see grandparents during the summer takes the entire summer to save up for. punch. the past month or maybe two has been a blur of trying to recover from the punches & simultaneously duck & cover for the inevitable next one. which never works.

so i think it makes sense that i am feeling bitter and roughed up by the universe. but i also know that despite everything- that attitude is not the one to have. nothing good will come of it & in fact bad things have popped up already because my heart & emotions are plainly worn on my face. and my negativity is projected outward like porcupine spines warning & wounding all around me. despite the fact that i do feel frustrated, i am hurt and bruised right now- no one deserves to be lashed out on & i have to eat some humble pie & take one on the chin in an effort to get myself back to where i need and want to be. the ever hopeful optimist that can be the cheerful bubbly person i used to be. maybe a little wiser and more realistic (i will never again be fooled that anyone but me is in charge of my own well being, future, attitude or outlook). but i need to change, not just for my own benefit of not having ulcers & an early heart attack, but because i have the world's most adorable little girl who imitates all we do. i don't want her to think that anything in this world can change her or bring her down. i want her to always look forward and realize that there are only possibilities- even in situations that feel like they hold no options. and if i think it i can be it... right? because this smile, this joy, should be all she knows now:

on a happier note: she is doing so amazingly. she is running up and down the sidewalks every night. she takes the stairs on her own because she is so darn independent. she helps walk the dog every morning and feeds herself with her fork and spoon every night. she still loves her morning& nighttime bottles- but we are slowly getting the night one down to nothing. she sleeps 10 to 12 hours a night and hates the bath when she is overtired. she loves all things 'doggie' and elmo is her favorite toy. (and the only time she watches tv...) she says about 8 words and is really just an easy, happy, wonderful toddler- even if she is increasingly stubborn and independent like her parents. a few tantrums have occurred and she will be a challenge, but a wonderful one!

looking forward

i have very little in my professional life making me happy right now. i can't afford to work like they want us to because i end up with $30 in my account at the end of the month after all is paid & said & done. and working an extra day (volunteering my time for the greater good...) costs me approximately $32 per month. any math majors out there want to take a crack at that one? and since the hub loses one of his days 'off' we also lose any potential earning he has made to supplement our income by doing side work on neighbors' cars & bikes. so...

i am looking forward to moments this summer. the moment when i get my next 3 day weekend. when we go to visit the in-laws (who'd have thunk i'd be looking forward to that- a 5 hour drive!). the moment when a great old friend comes to stay. the moment when a great new friend comes to stay. the moment when we go down to visit my folks - another 6-7 hours possible in the car. attempting to forget the mind numbing depression of realizing you are literally a step away from deciding between electric and food. between gas & the internet. operating without a net for over a year is fucking scary and i can not live in the now. it's just too much. so i look forward to the time when things are better.

and then the jolt when i realize that now is still here and will be for quite some time. i used to take comfort in the fact that at least we are not alone- nearly everyone i know is in this boat too. but reaching out a hand just to find it is grabbed by someone else looking for a way up leaving you floundering again. desperate to just stay where you are because one more rock and you are going over the edge of this boat and there's no life raft waiting.

mobile

it has happened- pumpkin has gone from a few toddling steps here & there to completely & utterly walking. in the span of a few days. while i am loving this- it makes me miss the little baby that is gone forever. just a bit. it is hard to believe that in only 15 months her babyhood is gone. she is now a toddler- complete with mini tantrums as she gets frustrated about things. it is wonderful and it is hard. how to explain things to her? we try our best but we are already seeing that she is stubborn just like her parents- i was a quietly stubborn kid- sweet & polite, but determined to do things my own way & no one could tell me the 'right' way to do things. i needed to find out myself.

the hubs was/is loudly stubborn. he will research the hell out of something, but once he has decided which way is the 'right' way- he will argue till he passes out (not really an exaggeration- he did used to hold his breath until blue & passed out as a child during tantrums- oh boy!)

so seeing this particular trait is not surprising at all, but daunting in how to deal with it from the other side. and a good mirror as well. the things we know we could do better & work on- we would like to teach her & that in turn helps us work on those things. make sense?

in other news there is no more news- still frustrated at my unpaid workload which isn't getting easier, still fat & frustrated at that. stress sucks and supporting a family on almost no money at all sucks a lot. trying to then eat healthy & relax so i can lose weight is almost impossible. why must the healthy food be so much more expensive? the hub & i are not poor eaters. our fridge is stocked with fresh produce & i would say that 80% of what we eat in a month is freshly prepared at home. crashing the car has taking a hit on our stomachs lately as well since the scramble meant less time to prepare home cooked meals & more crap being eaten. he has suggested we get up early & start running, but of course- then what do we do about our peacefully sleeping babe? something needs to change- and soon. i apparently can't count on my work stress going away anytime soon so i need to get it together where i can.

effyouseetee

what does that spell? yup- we're now pretty screwed. i totalled our one & only car yesterday as i left my job. thankfully i was alone, no one else was involved & i totalled it in pretty much the best possible way as i could still drive it home almost 100% legally (i was missing a taillight). so today the hubs & i are dividing & conquering. he is out in the brother-in-laws car patrolling all the local used car lots & i am scouring cr.aigslist looking for a good safe reliable but still super cheap car. cuz we're broke & all...

so some good thoughts are appreciated. and if you click the link in the post below i'd appreciate that too- pumpkin deserves to win darnit & she's slipped form #222 to #316. vote everyday if only because you feel sorry for my lately sucky life. :)

help a girl out

i am going to get the fun stuff out of the way. i'm sure almost no one comes here anymore- but anyone still around- can you please vote for pumpkin? she could be a cover girl!!!! http://photos.parents.com/category/vote/photo/289609


i can't believe it's been nearly a month since i've updated. life has been a little crazy- but what else is new these days? my job is going through a major shift. w just found out today that my manager is leaving to pursue a new career. my very good friend is being promoted to her position. i am hoping this ultimately means only good things for everyone- i love my manager & my team and really do want the best for all of us. but there's been a lot of change in my life this year- not all of it good and some downright fucking frightening. i am nervous about more change. i would love to now that this meant i could then step up into my friend's former role- a more senior design position. but i fear the perception that the management has of me (as in being told 'i just don't see that you are a creative' despite actually having shown my skills and shining in the limited ways i was allowed) is a hard thing to change. i am hoping this means we will be able to go back to full time and a return to my full paycheck, because damn- we need the money. but i fear it really will just mean even more work at less money & more stress for all. our team has a great dynamic right now & they are the reason this whole financially stressful time has been bearable. i have to work to support my family, but i enjoy what i do because of the respect and camaraderie i get from my team & coworkers. i am a little freaked out and i not sure what will come in the next few weeks.
my friend is currently having her second girl as i sit here. i am still surprised at my lack of jealousy. i remember every second of heartbreak and doubt while ttc, i understand and empathize completely with anyone going through the process & even understand how me standing on this side of the fence can be painful to someone else. i had expected that the sting of pregnancy would always be there. i thought for sure that i would have a hard time with any subsequent pregnancy around me, but i haven't. perhaps it's because the hub & i have made our decision on future family planning. our ttc days our over- we will never again chart or try. there will be no more iui's or re's. if we happen to find ourselves in that currently unthinkable position of a 'surprise' pregnancy- we will be thrilled to add to our family. but if it never happens we are both thrilled to have our family as is. i think i can truly be happy with our perfect little pumpkin. i know the hubs feels the same way. our status quo is actually pretty great right now- except for my job woes- not enough money & too much stress & unpaid 'overtime' right now, but the family dynamic is pretty awesome. we've had our ups & downs- a lot of downs recently- but had a really good talk this weekend. he agreed to be more supportive at home & respectful of the sacrifices i am making, and i agreed to try to leave the stress at the office and basically suck it up a little more. (my idea- not his)
i just wish that all this would get a little easier soon. it seems like the last 4 years have just been a huge roller coaster and i am starting to get a little bit queasy. i think it's time for the ferris wheel or the swan boats. no more of this up and down shit for me!

random thoughts on thursday

i know i haven't posted much anything of substance lately. i don't know that there's much to say. well- i have volumes i could say. but none of it is worth anything.

the hubs & i are stressed. and fighting. and stressed about fighting. and it's all bad. but i know it's hopefully temporary & once we get through some thing sit will get better. but that could realistically be another 6 months out. and it's been a hard year so another 6 months sometimes feels like an impossibility. my job is tough- not tough in the work i do (although there is a definite challenge there & a degree of thought & talent & ingenuity & massive amounts of concentration & coordination needed) but it is tough in the amount of work we are getting along with the time we have to do it. it is a hard industry- made even harder by recession. now that we are seeing the barest glimmers of hope that things are improving, the frustration that we can't just jump back to where we were- much less ahead to where we need to be- is hitting an all-time high. it is doubly hard to explain to the hubs why i must put in more hours for less pay & he is stuck (literally since we only have one car now) at home with the baby all day & into the evening. and he does a lot with his time. he makes me fucking dinner every night so we can eat as a family. and i love that. but there are nights i can not leave before 6 or 6:30- and my commute is nearly an hour. with a one year old who needs to be in bed by 8:30 at the very latest on a good nap day, this poses a lot of scheduling challenges.

i get time with my daughter only when she is tired and cranky during the week. i miss her first steps, i am losing her schedule- my innate knowledge of what she needs. and for what- to barely pay the bills? i am hoping it gets better soon, because it is truly hard to justify what i do (for a company that i believe in so much i went back after they had to lay me off) for the amount i get paid. also knowing that should my husband finally get one of those many jobs he applies for week after week- he will make nearly double what i do. with no college education what-so-ever. no student loans. we both work in fields where your knowledge helps keep people safe & happy, but i paid $80 grand to learn it while he got paid while learning. it makes me want to go to every bright eyed design student & smack em hard with a 'real life' lesson!

i am also gaining weight- i was doing so well for so long there. i was motivated- got up early & worked out. i ate really well & had made it within 4 pounds of my initial goal. stress and i are not friends- i am not one of those women that lose weight & turn into sticks when under stress. i balloon up & then hate myself which turns into more apathy & even more weight put on. it is a truly vicious cycle made worse because i can recognize it, but feel powerless to stop it.

pumpkin has also apparently weaned herself. the last time we nursed was last friday morning. while i still go in & change her & cuddle her in the morning, i do miss our special time. i know she is getting bigger & it wasn't going to be forever. i am also really proud of myself for being able to nurse her beyond a year- even if the last few months were only once or twice a day. i loved nursing. i loved looking down on her sweet face & having our special time. i felt so protective- so strong. i felt like i was doing everything right- even if it was only those 10 minutes at a time.

so- a lot of stuff going on this week/month. but nothing i can really feel in control of. i am attempting to be better at handling my stress- but i fear that i am just at my limit. i could probably use a vacation, but can't afford to go anywhere. i am trying to be better with the hub- but i can only hope that he is better with me also. i daydream daily about winning the lottery- or him getting a better paying job than me- and me staying home with pumpkin & maybe having another one. but then i remember how much i love being a designer too. how to get the cake & have the time & energy to actually eat it... million dollar question.

anyway- this weekend should be a blast- tomorrow night i am going to a fashion show with an awesome friend who always hooks me up with free tickets to things! then saturday- which is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous!- we get to meet a fellow bloggy buddy & her gorgeous lovey girl! i am very excited about it & hope i get a nice little recharge before monday comes. it's also been a really tough 2 weeks after a challenging few months- so a little burnout is probably normal & to be expected.

anyone have any ideas for cheap cheap cheap vacations? in the tri-state area (nj, pa, de- can go as far as md or ny...)? thanks!

Why bother with babyproofing?

Note the responsible placement of the baby gate... Now- note the baby deciding to climb the outside of the stairs! She's so happy about it too. No more actual walking except for a few steps here & there, but she is so happy I forgive her for her monkey ways.

My baby walked today. Clear across the room. I was at work & she wouldn't do it again when I got home!

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what a difference

i have a real post brewing inside my head- but lately finding the time to sit down & write has been near impossible. i have been reflecting on so many things in my life- especially this past few weeks. my life is good. and it's not. it could be better- but i wouldn't trade anything in. i am conflicted about some things and trying to work them out. and not being able to pour them out here is hard.

last saturday my daughter turned one. i would be lying if i said that i wasn't amazed and in awe of this little girl. there are still days when i am surprised anew at the fact that she really is here- really is our daughter. i am grateful for every day, every smile, every hug and even every cranky cry. in looking back over this year i realize how blessed we truly are. pumpkin really is an amazing little girl. she is rarely unhappy. sure- she gets cranky when tired or hungry or bored- but we had none of the issues that our parents still tell about us. colic, never ending crying, ear infections, constantly sick, temper tantrums, etc. i am not saying that these things will never happen- well colic is most likely out of the count!- but i truly believe we have our perfect family. which leads to the one big conflict rolling around... siblings.

i grew up with a sister who is now my best friend. my hubs brother currently lives with us. this relationship is obviously very important to both of us- so i do want pumpkin to have it in her life. but. oh the but... while i know your heart expands for your second, and i know you make it all work- i do not need another. i am good with her and my heart is full to bursting. i feel like we are a complete picture and i certainly don't want to go through any more treatments- nor could we hope to afford to for a very very long time. so we will not be ttc. probably ever again. i experienced my pregnancy. i went through labor & delivery & i am not sure if my kidney situation (only one) could have contributed to my possible pre-e at the end. and if so- is a 2nd pregnancy doomed to end up the same way? i was really good with hers- i only gained 28 pounds. for a heavier curvier girl with her first pregnancy i think that's pretty stellar. but i gained 8 pounds of water at the last week. yet again- my body found a way to mess with me. to throw things off plan and schedule. if this is the trend- why do that to myself again? as much as i love my pumpkin and want all the things i had growing up and more- including a sibling- what if a second pregnancy doesn't work out as well as this one did. what if our second child gets all of the colic, all of the inherited health issues possible to get from both sides? how do i live with myself for that?

i don't have answers for anything right now- they are all just the thoughts scrambling around in my head- all pointless at the moment as i am still pretty aware of my cycles (only 2 so far- but seem to be right on track) and we are actually preventing (ironic as it is). we are no where near financially stable enough to add a second child- not with my job situation still the only thing paying the bills & barely at that. we want a savings again and are trying to work towards it- but it is very difficult. a second child would mean me staying at home too & the hubs is not ready for that either. i am contemplating many things relating to work, career, family life and the price of my quality of life. in the- is this really worth it vein... 4 years of an expensive degree that i will pay off well into my 40's and someone with a high school diploma can make double what i do. fine- if i love my job and i am in that question at the moment. i do- but is it enough?

so- big questions about my future rolling around. no answers yet, but nothing needs to be answered today, or this week, or maybe even this year. maybe just being aware of the questions is enough for now.

i leave you with a few happy shots from last week. pumpkin is an official toddler and we said goodbye to babyhood with a happy celebration

Tomorrow

My baby becomes a big girl... It has all happened just so damn fast. my house is an orange & pink explosion & I am loving it!

Friday night

Spent making 2.5 dozen cupcakes for a shower tomorrow... Without full use of kitchen as hub is laying new floor. Did I mention cats & glue are an awful combo?

first day

hello spring. we have missed you!

properly

yesterday was a big day for many reasons. the first & foremost being the aforementioned first toddling steps into full mobility for my little pumpkin.
we were sitting at the coffee table eating cheerios- well, i was sitting, she was standing & picking up cheerios. then she grabbed the entire baggy & attempted to continue eating. through the bag. i pried it out of her hands & showed her how opening the bag is so much better than eating plastic. she thought this was the most awesome thing on the planet & reached her little hands in to grab some out herself. (an aside- will it ever get old watching her do things for herself- i am still a little amazed every time)
i had a flash of brilliance & kept moving myself & the bag a little each time she went for another reach in. soon enough she was finally standing far enough from the table to not be able to hold on to move & close enough to me that taking two steps was the logical choice. she reached into the bag, grabbed another cheerio & threw herself into my arms as i laughed hysterically- completely overcome that my child had done the most amazing & wonderful thing anyone could imagine. she took the first scary steps with a confidence & glee that i hope she brings to every challenge she faces. she then also proceeded to laugh hysterically- another wonderfully amazing thing!

yesterday also had me coming full circle to the anniversary of an event that sparked the whole quest to have a child- to get pregnant. three years ago yesterday i woke up feeling a little ill. went to work & proceeded to feel progressively worse until i had to leave at 10 am (just after getting started on a very cool project) on my ride home i went from ill to really fucking scary pain shooting through me at regular intervals making me grip the steering wheel screaming in pain. finally at 4 in the afternoon the hub was home & forced me into the car to the hospital where i waited in the er waiting room passing out on the chairs. as i was finally getting my info taken i threw up right at the window- they brought me back in short order. they got me some blissful pain medication & got me admitted. after much testing i was told i had a massively infected kidney & was started on mega-antibiotics. the next morning they warned me that if the infection didn't go down/get better soon they may have to bring me in for a procedure to place a stent so it could drain. a half hour later they were back to prep me for said procedure since whatever lab came back screaming 'hey- this chica is septic'. i was only able to call the hub quickly & let him know as they wheeled me down.
after this ordeal i faced my mortality big time. i was probably very close to death (not so close he was hovering over me- but i could make him out in the background) had i not actually gone into the hospital the infection would have spread very quickly. going through this experience made me want to go through a life- giving one. i wanted children. i didn't want to wait for something else to happen & i wanted to experience pregnancy. i was scared of passing a possible congenital defect on to my kids- but research showed that what i had is currently able to be diagnosed in utero & treated before a year with a 98% chance of full & normal kidney function. mine was undiagnosed for 26 years and slowly my kidney just died. i still have a fully functioning 'super kidney' (docs own words!) that does the job & then some. this experience made me itchy to start trying to conceive & sparked it all. without going through this i may never have gotten this particular happy, exciting, wonderful & amazing little girl. and i am thankful that the worst pain i ever lived through brought me to the most joy i ever thought possible.

Last night my little girl took her first steps. 2 into my arms. My heart filled to bursting- all I could do was laugh. Pure joy.

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What I come home to.

After a day where I got home a minute after she was asleep- I was welcomed by a wonderful baby grin & giggle. The outfit daddy picked out today- that's another story!

vaca

well... kind of. we went away for a long weekend up to see the in-laws. it was actually a very nice visit. nearly no traffic there or back (a miracle considering we go from one major eastern city through another!) and a very nice visit indeed. the in-laws hadn't seen pumpkin in about 6 months! it was like they met a new baby. she slept.all.night. the first night & was only up once or twice the second. a true miracle considering we shared a room and she slept in a packnplay.
she was a very happy girl & was really loving the homemade lasagna her gram made!
no walking yet- she actually seems to get a little lazy about it lately. she still cruises all along furniture & stands up, but the second you go to take her hands & 'walk' her- she goes limp to the floor to crawl! which is fine since i really don't need her to be walking around yet!

in other news- i got my first af since baby & it wasn't all that bad. i seem to have a much lighter time all around (cramps, etc) and i wonder if that will end up the new norm... oh- i hope! i used to have to take something for the horrible cramps the first day (fine after that) but that first day was just no fun! i was thankful i started though- my weight was crazy & now i know it was all bloating. fun.
about to jump back on the wii fit after an extended break- so i will know the real damage of vaca!

20 months and 1 week to the day. Hello af... You have ~not~ been missed!

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11 days?

wow. i really do feel like there is a lot going on- i just can't seem to catch my breath & sit down to post anymore. lame!
pumpkin is great- except that she seems to have decided to start teething at record pace & we are no longer sleeping. again. which really sucks. again. other than that she is fantastic & fun & standing & so close to taking that step! she 'talks' much more, she is stacking & putting things in other things & figuring out her world. she is sharing- which is just the sweetest thing in the world- even when it's her binky popped right in your mouth (she has amazing aim!) or a half melted puff (bleck!)
the bil moved in & all is actually well & good there.
we have somehow survived back to back massive snowstorms blanketing the region in 5 days with more snow than we have gotten in the past 3 years combined. all while our amazing awd drive vehicle is out of commission due to a blown clutch!
i actually have sent invitations to pumpkin's 1st birthday party. holy crap. can't really process that fully yet- i have a daughter & she's almost 1!
work is...work. there are some really amazing & great things going on there. and some really frustrating & tough things. again- i am extremely tired & can't really go there right now. but overall all is good.
i feel like shit. all day yesterday i would have sworn i was about to get af- bloated, crampy, all my previous signs. seeing as i haven't had one since getting pregnant- i am not really sure when this whole thing is going to start up again. granted- i am so not complaining, i just once again wish there was some way to actually know what was going on in there. i am getting some frustrated flavors reminiscent of the if 'unknowing' that combined with other stress & lack of sleep are making me pretty off balance.
i have been working out pretty regularly- which is helping, but not seeing as much results as i would like. i know stress is huge in hindering weight loss & lack of sleep is too & i have both. which really sucks as my goal was to be a certain size next month at her birthday party. i would love to actually be in pictures with my daughter & not feel like deleting myself or photoshopping away the crap i can't stand to see anymore. because i really don't have time for that anyway!
alright- time to get a quick yoga fix before work. hopefully i will be posting more!

pumpkin's night night...

I have been a bloggy slacker. in my defense we are digging out 45" of snow. to make up for it here is pumpkin going to bed tonight. all cuddled & snuggled!

i'm lame

i have so much- yet so little going on right now- i feel like i have nothing to post about, yet there's actually a lot going on! the hub's brother moved in with us last week & all is going well- albeit a bit of an adjustment there. the animals (oh so many of them!) are mainly getting along- except for my poor old cat which is causing more tension than i enjoy between the hub & i. pumpkin is having the time of her life & actually slept for 3 nights in a row... i whisper as to not jinx that! we finally got new curtains (cheap target curtains, but not the crappy blinds) that we've been meaning to do for 5 years. i lost a little weight- then had a horrible saturday night in which i ate way too much crap. not a ton- but after a solid week of being really good i feel it!

i know i mentioned family planning conversations. it's funny because i swear it changes daily. personally i don't know where i stand yet- i honestly feel most days i could & would be very happy & complete with our family of 3. then there are moments where i wonder about 1 more... not now- not even ready to think about it that seriously until maybe a year from now- but still. the slight conflict has me thrown. before we started trying for her- we both always thought we'd have 2 kids. he had said that he'd be okay with 1, me saying i'd like 2 & he was fine with that too. but then after almost 2 years of trying & now having her- i am not so sure i need a second. my wavering comes at moments when i see a new baby or hold one- but i think that is pretty normal no matter how complete or incomplete your family is. there is something about a brand new baby that seems to inspire want in those that have that instinct in them. even before we decided we were ready- holding a new baby made me, for that instant, want my own so badly. even now- when i can look over at my angel, it makes me yearn for that precious mewling little babe again. then the moment is gone & i am complete with my pumpkin. the only other time i wonder about another child is when i think about my experience with my sister. and then i see the hub & his brother. i want pumpkin to be able to experience that as well. that special bond is pretty amazing. then i think of my best friend- an only child- and how our relationship is like that of sisters- only better since we've been as close for nearly 20 years without a single fight between us. and i know there are other ways to get those relationships in her life. so- yes. conflict is here with me daily!

then there's the hub. literally 2 days ago he turned and looked at me after some amazing thing she did & said- maybe we should have another. then today after talking about the sleepless nights he said that we are done. the same thing happens weekly- he will be smitten with her & something incredibly cute or some milestone she has just hit & want another child. then he will clean out the corner of the guest room of all the baby stuff she's outgrown & want to get rid of it claiming we are done. (it's all in the basement- neither one of us is truly there to definitively say be gone with the old car seat or swing) i don't truly think that either of us will be ready to say what is truly in our hearts as far as our family being complete until we understand it ourselves. seeing the devastation the past 2 weeks in hai.ti makes us both want to run out & help as many of those children as we can. it has opened up a dialog about how we would grow our family and that has added a whole new dimension of confusion into the mix. there's just so much to sort through & on both sides we need to work it out. so- like i said... no announcements or anything- just a whole lotta figuring shit out.

i leave you with a little series of recent pumpkin related pictures- because she really is so awesome & if she was our one & only- she is enough.

the new face- such joy, i couldn't delete the pic even though it is technically not good at all!

a little series i like to call: momma's gonna be so gray after this!

she climbed all the way to the top. by herself. twice. of course the hub & i were literally a step behind her the whole time. but still- not even 10 months old!

ignore the carrot covered face- she was just so happy & you can see all 3 (almost 4!) of her teeth. love it!

scrunchy face

the new face. makes me melt & smile every time! and just got word from hub that so far 2oz were drunk in 5 of milk no problem... we shall see how this goes.

mia

this has been a crazy week. pumpkin finally slept! her tooth popped out & she has some relief. she came to work with me today & was an amazing kiddo.

the hub & i are tired. and sniping. and tired. and sorry. and fucking tired.

i did buckle down with my bad eating habits and was able to see the scale go down just a bit in a few days. despite having a huge work function & delicious yummy wine! i avoided almost all the bad appetizers, but the wine was calling my name!

we've been discussing major big things lately. but nothing yet that can be announced... family building & etc.

the hub's bro is moving in with us next week. i am ok & mainly happy about it as the kid needs some stability & we are able to provide it. but he has 3 cats... that makes me nervous.

pumpkin is making this scrunched up smiley face that melts your heart when you see it. pictures are very difficult to get but i keep trying. she is just a very happy & awesome little kid now. the baby is going away so quickly- which i miss dearly- but the little girl popping up is amazing!

i am officially having supply issues that i doubt i have the energy (especially now) or time (especially at work!) to remedy. we are going to attempt a slow wean during the day. i am having a ton of emotions about this as i love bf'ing and am not ready to give it up- but the pumping. oh how i can do without it. i have been pumping through what is essentially active moving/construction zones for 3 months now. i know that amazing moms have done so much more for so much longer, but she is almost 10 months. i was probably going to give up the pump soon-ish anyway. i am not- however- going to stop nursing when i am home with her. i just hope we find a good balance & my supply doesn't drop even more because of giving up the one a day pump session. i am going to start with dropping my nightly session (after nursing her) and slowly switch her bottles over to a formula. i still have about 12 frozen bags of milk to help with this transition. then after next week (!) i will probably drop my daytime pump at work- slowly spacing it so i don't explode... it feels so strange to be somewhat happy about weaning. even though i am holding on as long as she & i are both into it- i really feel that she is at the point that she is eating twice what i can provide for her through pumping. i added a nightly session to make up the difference- which worked for a time. but now she eats 8 oz at a clip. i am lucky if i produce 8 oz in 2-3 pump sessions (on top of her 'normal' 5-6 nurse sessions a day) so i think the kid is telling me she is ready for more- and since she is definitely not ready for milk other than momma's- we are going to be giving her formula for a month or 2. i have to say that i am truly very happy & proud that i was able to provide for her for 91/2 months. if i had been home with her who knows how long i would have gone. on the flip side though- had i gone back to work when she was 10 weeks old- would we still be bf'ing? it really makes me wonder & illustrates my own personal theories on how the universe gives you what you need when you need it- even if it isn't what you think you need or want.

argh- if you made it through that rant- good for you. i am very much enjoying my reward glass(es) of wine tonight. i am getting new glasses tomorrow & i am very excited about it!