bleck

i am sick. for the first time since getting pregnant & it sucks. my doc never gave me that handy dandy reference list of what is okay to take & what isn't. so last night i was miserable because i couldn't get in touch with them. i ended up taking 2 tylenol pm's, using a saline nasal spray & sucking on vitamin c lozenges. which all means that combined with my craptastic humidifier that really doesn't work much anymore i feel 10x worse this morning. instead of just a head cold with a super stuffy & runny nose i now can add hacking cough to the list.

thankfully i talked to the nurse who let me know that there are a few things i can take- which i plan on doing as soon as i get done with the only thing i really have to do today which is go to a meeting. luckily i know everyone there already & don't have to be considered rude for sitting int he corner & not breathing on anyone or shaking any hands.

one thing that has me concerned is that caiden isn't quite as active as usual. is this normal when mom is sick? i can still feel her rolling around & little light flutters, but i haven't felt much of the big belly moving kicks that she usually has several times a day. when do i actually need to be concerned? thanks!

*update- this little girl must take after me somehow- she started rolling & kicking during my meeting & then tonight while i was relaxing & watching a movie with the hub she went insane! the hub was even surprised at her kung-fu! so she reassured me that she is just fine while mommy feels like utter crap!

please be kind

i am trying to let my first kids natural cuteness earn us a new vaccuum (i'm not thinking so high as the big money prizes haha!)

so please- vote for my pup...

Vote for Chase!

i hope that thingy works...

official pic

here is the 'official' 30 week photo.

and just for fun- one from the front- it almost looks like i still have a waist!

today i found a dress for the shower. it's very cute & very me. it's also non-maternity so i can wear it beyond just the one day. you'll have to be patient for a pic of that. i still want to look for shoes...

i should hear about my closing date for the refi early next week. hopefully i won't have to make my next 2 mortgage payments & can save up money to get the kitchen finished & stay out longer on maternity leave. i am thinking we can definitely afford at the least 10 weeks now. 12 if we don't have to get too many big ticket things after the shower. although i am the ultimate bargain hunter! (or very cheap, haha) i already know that my friends & family are being overly generous and that this little girl will be very well prepped (& spoiled!)

one example of my frugality in action was a recent find on crai.gs list was a fantastic practically brand new red wool gap maternity coat. i snagged it for the bargain price of ... free!!! yeah baby! i wasn't going to bother with getting a new maternity coat for only 2 months or so, but seeing that post made me jump into action. i'm so glad i got it because being able to close a coat over the belly is a wonderful thing! especially now that it's getting cold. and it looks a hell of a lot more presentable than the hub's parka! i will be taking advantage of that free items section a lot more often! and i will try my best to return the favors! since i am a pretty firm believer in karma & your actions influencing what comes into your life, all of this good fortune hanging around lately makes me think that maybe i've done something right & i want to continue that!

i am going to relax on the couch now with the hub & enjoy our saturday date night- it's my favorite time of the week.

30 weeks. time to freak

i can't believe i am here right now- 1 day shy of 30 weeks pregnant. 10 weeks (or so) shy of having my little girl in my arms & in our lives forever. holy crap. there's so much to do, yet i am feeling pretty calm (relatively speaking) & feel like everything will work out. i'm not really nervous for labor or anything like that. i know that it will hurt & it will suck & i will be in massive amounts of pain and that i will most likely freak out & want to quit at some point. but i also know that when it is all said & done it will be a tiny blip on the flashback of my life & that the real freakout starts once that little baby is in my arms.

i am scared of the after. i wonder how i can possibly protect her from everything my overactive imagination can dream up + the things i don't imagine! how can i give her everything i want to give her? how do i make a person? how do i instill the values i hold dear & give her the best life i can? how do i know when i am fucking up & then make it better? her life is my life. she is my everything & she's not quite here yet. i want so much for her & i haven't seen her face. i love her so much more than i could imagine & i don't know if her hair is curly or straight. i do know that none of that matters & i will love her even more than i can imagine right now. i just want to make sure that i do everything the best i can & give her the best i can. i worry about her future &i know that any sacrifice i have made to get her here will pale in comparison to the sacrifices i will be willing to make for her life to come.

i have 10 weeks left to get as prepared as i will ever be. we have to finish up the kitchen (as much as we can) we have little touches left on the nursery, but that will come after the shower i assume. then it's just waiting to get her here. i checked my registry & someone has purchase my travel system. (oh my god i am sooo thrilled!!!) so that's one less thing to worry about! even the crib we could figure out later if we have to so now i can breathe easier on that.

she keeps kicking & moving stronger now. i can actually see my stomach move when she does it. she is getting somewhat of a schedule now- she's really active around 11-12, 4pm, 6 pm & then sometime between 8:30 & 10:30 (which is her most active movement time) she moves a lot when i sing in the car- especially to things like the strokes, bad religion & the clash. not sure if it's my voice that does it or the music, but since the music is never too loud- i think it might be me. those are more rolls & stretches though. speaking of stretches- she loves to stretch up into my ribs. i can't imagine another few weeks when she's getting to be 5+ pounds! (i think she's around 3 now) i love every new sensation & experience and i am sure i will miss being pregnant pretty terribly. i never thought that i would enjoy it this much. i never thought i would have gained well under 20 pounds at 30 weeks either... so go figure. (sooo- not complaining, i am still gaining at a nice slow & steady rate ever since that one blip- i think i am up around 16 now- was 14.5 at last appointment at 28 weeks) but i will be happy if it comes off quick-ish after delivery. i think the deflated pooch will probably depress me, even though i will have my daughter here to hold. i just feel like she is so nice & safe right now- i can do many things to protect her just by living my life. i don't need to worry about colds & diarrhea & dropping her while i am severely sleep deprived, or not feeding her enough, or feeding her too much, or any of the 10,000 things that i will worry about (whether i need to or not) in another short 2-1/2 months...

on that frantic & pre-obsessive type a worrier note- here is my 30 week picture (or at least one of them- i'll probably take another tomorrow!) i was having a good hair day & i really like this dress so i wanted to get a pic in while i could. of course- it's at the bathroom at work, but oh well- all my pics are in some bathroom or another!

Appraisal came in where we needed it to- this could be a good day afterall!!! I feel like a big weight has been lifted & I can start to breathe again. I just hope the rest of this goes smoothly.

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snow!!!!!!

the first real snow of winter!!! this makes me so happy! (i was stopped at a sign- so no worries about terribly dangerous driving in inclement weather!)

now i just need to hear good news for the refi & life will feel all fresh & clean all over... at least until the snow gets to that slushy, crappy, city dirt infested black stage.

light at the end???

i am feeling relief now. the appraiser just left & everything seemed to go really well. the kitchen is a non-issue. whew! i told him about all the new stuff we had done to the house & what we planned to do in the spring (ie- new roof).

he was a lovely gentleman who has a 2 year old daughter at home. my dogs loved following him around for the 15 minutes he was in the house- fascinated by his equipment for measuring the house. (despite the fact they have seen me 3,000 times with a tape measure!)

yesterday was bad. badder than bad. remember when i mentioned my hatred for a certain phone company? (hint- it starts with an 's' and ends with a 'print') well- it is renewed. after countless phone calls & e-mails & despite having worked out that i would pay their craptastic large bill over time (since they didn't even get me an itemized copy of it until late december...) they have sent me to collections. to an evil harassing collections that calls you multiple times a day. so now i am back to calling & e-mailing the hideous evil corporation to see why the fuck they did that? and to make them stop it. if i get the refi i'll pay them off & be done with it. if not- they have to stick with the payment plan option (which is all of 2 freaking payments!) but this is a blip. an annoyance compared with what happened next. this i can (and actually already have) deal with.

next up was crazy mil time. i can't get into details (how i wish blogger could pp certain posts!) but it was bad. long story short- i had her invited to my shower (which by the way i love my friends- more on that later, but apparently they sent out perfect invitations. i won't see one until the day- i only know time & day & place since it's at my house- otherwise i am completely out of it) which was apparently a personal attack of some sort. there were several heated e-mails with many upsetting & deliberately hurtful things sent. i responded as best i could (not being a wallflower, but not sinking to saying mean -if true- things to hurt her like she hurt me- man this belief in karma really is hard sometimes!) in the end i said what i wanted to say & left an open invitation to either come to the shower, or to visit when the babe is born. she & the hub are still not speaking- mainly because the hub is really upset by how she has dragged me into their fight & the things she has said to me. so i let her know that if that's still the case in 3 months then she can visit while he's at work. of course- my mom or sis will probably be here then too- but that's fine. i may want the moral support depending on how things progress - or don't- until then!

all in all it was a very upsetting day made just that much worse by the anxiety caused by this appraisal & so much of our future financial comfort hinging on one day. i still don't know what we are looking at, but i am feeling slightly more confident & more relaxed that we will in fact be okay.

the poor hub is a wreck today- i couldn't sleep well last night & while i can go back to sleep after tossing and turning- he can't. so my poor sleep actually wakes him up & he is stuck being awake at 3am. he has to go to work for 8am so he is pretty beat today. tonight i think we are going to just get a movie and relax at home. i think we have earned it!

getting nervous

sitting down tonight to hash through the numbers one more time & we really really need this refi... it all hinges on saturday's appraisal. everything should work out just fine- the comps are great, our neighborhood is great, the improvements we have done are great. it's just the damn kitchen. it has a plywood floor & unfinished drywall. i don't know how much that will hurt us right now. i can take about 5,000 or so less than the ideal- maybe even 8. but any more than that & it's not worth it to refi. and we will be literally in the hole every month once caiden is here. it's not by much- but after all is budgeted we will have more bills (expenses) than income. and that's fucking scary. daycare is such a huge chunk & having to figure out how to live without an income for anywhere between 4-7 weeks just puts it back even more.

yes- we could make a number of cuts to spending & would figure it out. but it really sucks. it's just so nerve wracking to be so close to being able to really breathe easy. we wouldn't be rich or saving tons of money in the bank every month, but we could afford everything we needed & i could stay home with her for longer. we still couldn't buy all new furniture for the nursery or go nuts on all the little things babies seem to need (i know most aren't really needed at all & she won't ever know she didn't have the brand new pack-n-play or deluxe bouncy chair) but we would be comfortable providing for our little family. and have emergency money. which is always needed!

please send me some good thoughts for a nice high respectable number on saturday...


on a good note- she is being much more active lately. i was getting slightly worried last week & over last weekend because i just didn't feel her as much. i decided to give it a day or two of taking it easy because i was running around a lot last week. well- she is nice & obedient & has been kicking the crap out of me! she wakes me up promptly 15 minutes after the hub's alarm goes off with a nice little kick session. then she rolls around a lot! i can feel definite head & butt bumps- they always freak the hub right out! it's so great. i'm noticing a pattern- especially as i have the kick count chart from my last appointment. they say to stop counting once you reach ten- that's usually before i've had breakfast- so i just keep track of when she has really active times or has a bunch of movements grouped together.

trying

well- i finally heard about my maternity leave yesterday. let's just say i feel a little sucker punched. even including 2 weeks of my vacation, i have 6 weeks. only 5 really paid. now- i do understand that i am not required to have any paid leave. but i did think that s.t. disab. (i can not write that as initials, lol!) would cover part & then i would just need to figure out maybe 3 or 4 weeks of it. taking the full twelve. now i am looking at 7 weeks unpaid and i just can't afford that. knowing- or at least seeing- that every other woman in the office was able to take pretty much a full 12 weeks, i absolutely 100% can not live with myself for going back to work after 6 weeks. she will just be too young- hell, most day cares in my area don't even take infants younger than 12 weeks! besides- that is barely enough time to establish breastfeeding well- hopefully- and it certainly doesn't feel like enough time to then add in a few bottle feedings & pumping sessions throughout the day. i know at least the first week and possibly the second is just gone to hospital, visits from friends & family, and just getting used to having given birth, much less getting used to parenting! that would leave me a single month to get everything in order to get her started in daycare and get me back to work. i wouldn't even have my post-partum appointment until i was back at work! how can i be cleared for a 10 hour day, but not for sex?

the only thing i can do is wait & see now. maybe the s.t. does cover something (but i can't count on it). maybe the economy will pick up & i can miraculously work something else out just in time (this one's hysterical!). maybe (most likely) my refi will actually happen the way it looks on paper & i will be able to squeeze the 'extra' income into another month off. i crunched some numbers last night & as long as we don't have to buy anything big for the baby, we might just be able to do it. but there are a lot of 'mights' in this equation. i really want to be able to be home with her for as long as possible. but why does it always feel like we are starting off at the bottom of a huge hill? it feels like if something can be stacked against us- it will. sure- i will tackle it & figure it out & find a way- my little girl's life is too important & i know in my heart that i would hate & resent myself for not figuring out a way to get as much time as possible to start her life off the right way.

this does of course mean that i am not giving a date that i am leaving. i will work until my water breaks, i get contractions, or the doctor tells me not to. i can't afford to waste even a few days at home waiting around. they are just too precious & short & hard earned.

yesterday was pretty hard. if i had been expecting to hear only 6 weeks it would have been much easier. but i was honestly expecting to hear that 6 weeks was covered, then i could use my vacation for 2, and then what could we figure out for the rest- best case they would pay for 2 & i would take 2 unpaid. that would have been ideal & not undoable (especially since they generously offered to pay for 3) that was honestly what i expected & perhaps it was naive of me to think my little company (less than 50 employees) would automatically have the coverage needed for that scenario. i was even prepared to come back at 10 weeks if they couldn't pay me anything. but i certainly wasn't expecting that we get nothing at all from s.t. i have always thought that was what it's there for. everything i have heard & read about it reinforced this. not having a written policy to look at just made assumptions turn to fact in my mind & yesterday i felt... well- i felt so cheated. knowing that yes- the economy does really suck right now- i know it's not my bosses fault. but i should have known long before this not to count on coverage we don't have. that way i could have planned better. we could have tried this refi sooner and been able to buy more stuff we need for her. i may not have a crib when she's born. or be able to afford one before i go back to work. i certainly won't have a pack & play, or bouncer, or swing, or wipes warmer, or any of those little things unless i get generous gifts. i am of course getting way ahead of myself, but if i prepare myself for the worst- i am much better at handling it when it comes. which is why i was so ill-prepared for yesterday!
i will hopefully know about the refi by next week. then i can let them know how much more unpaid time i am taking. i wish it could be the full 12, but i may be lucky to be able to get to 10.

official 28 week pic

Taken while working- a definite big belly day!

so much excitement!

first of all- my wonderful bloggy buddy nancy is now safely resting with her new little boy! i can't believe how quickly 38 weeks flew by. and since we are exactly 10 weeks apart- it blows my mind to think that could be me in 10 weeks! (although i am pretty sure this little girl is going to be quite comfy for at least 12.5 weeks. i doubt i will go early at all.)

secondly- i was doing a little updating & checking out my registries (yes- i did two- in case the b-r-u isn't convenient for everyone! plus i like the offerings at good ole targ.et better overall & more economical since i am such a frugal girl at heart!) anyway- someone actually freaking bought me something!!! i am super excited- i will be the proud owner of a very cute chocolate swirl bopp.y! it's such a little & superfluous thing to get excited over, but it has really made my night! as hard as it is for me to ask for things, this has really made me swell up a little. i absolutely love my friends & family & would do anything for them. to see a little blip of how i am loved in return (and caiden too of course!) makes me feel so loved. how shallow is that- they say money can't buy you love, but apparently i'm a sucker for cute baby gear!

thirdly- my sister was talking with me & flat out asked me to decide between the crib, travel system & breast pump for her gift. i was floored. i did not expect a 'big ticket item' from her. i guess she was serious all those months ago when she said she was going to get me the coach diaper bag, pretty much so that one day she would be able to get it back. she's not able to get pregnant right now, and who knows when she will be able to function enough off her meds to be able to. so her generosity towards her niece is so much more appreciated. i know how hard it is to not be able to get pregnant, but to not be allowed to must be a different kind of hell altogether. i have been thinking about surrogacy for her. it's been floating in the back of my mind since her diagnosis & being told she shouldn't have children. i know she isn't quite ready to start a family yet, but in a few years it's definitely a conversation i am willing to have with her.

finally- the nursery is done tomorrow! the final trim goes up & the shelves get painted. we now have a beautiful little antique armoire from a friend's mom that will be very useful for all bedding (not just caiden's, but ours as well. it will just live in her room. the thought that our little girl will be in our arms in around 80 days or so is amazing to me. i will see her & hold her & wish she would sleep more than 2 hours at a time! the moments i have dreamed about for years are around the corner. i am reveling in the calm before the storm so to speak. i am enjoying these last weeks of being a 2 person family, which just 8 months ago seemed like such a lonely number. now it is a very sweet time of just enjoying each other & building up those happy memories to hold on to when we are both sleep deprived & are sure to say things we don't mean.

i am feeling very content, very happy, blessed & grateful right now. i can't wait until i get to hold my little girl safely in my arms, but i am treasuring these last few slices of time that it's just the hub & i.

28 week pic

Actually 27w4d, but it's getting huge!

what do you get for four years?

yesterday marked the hub & i celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss... i can't recall what the traditional present is. just looked it up- fruit & flowers. well- i got these lovelies from my parents:

the hub actually surprised me with a very thoughtful & pretty card & a big chrome heart full of chocolate. and dinner waiting on the table for when i got home. it was such a nice anniversary. no bootie, but still very nice! it's also the last anniversary where it's just us. so strange to think about now- with less than 3 months to go it's all getting so very very real!

the belly has officially popped & i am looking mighty preggo! i'll have to take my pic tomorrow & share- i am far too beat tonight. i had a long day at work & then have been wrapping my mind around some pretty heavy financial stuff. we are hoping to refi the house & pay stuff off & lower our monthly payments. which is good because i still don't know about maternity leave & now the hub is worried about losing his job since his new shop isn't doing so great. all a lot of stress in a very short amount of time. i just hope it ends up working out. best case scenario- we have $500 extra every month- that goes a long way towards daycare (almost 3 weeks worth). which means we can worry less about what to cut or how to make it work- since it just will. we also get a little 2 month break from paying the mortgage. which can do a lot of good! & hopefully the hub either gets a new, better paying job- or gets to stay at this one for at least the next year.

worst case scenario- we get $300 extra a month, but the hub is out of work & now those extra mortgage payments are going to float us until he gets a new job. which would suck. but i guess we'd just make it work somehow.

wish us luck.
it's been a tough but wonderful 4 years for us. a lot of changes have happened, some good, some bad, some wonderful, some scary. we've both grown up, but we're still the same goofy kids who fell in love over 13 years ago. here's my 2 favorite photos from our wedding- i think they sum us up perfectly.

please ignore below post

ironically- at the peak of my no-shower blues, my friend called me & we talked. of course this was after i picked out invitations & a theme(ish) & was just trying to figure out everything i would need so i could get it all together in a day. but that's fine. she's okay. everything is good & i get a shower!!! -i didn't even have to say nancy was hit by a bus- because i would feel really bad saying that ;o)

all i have to do is focus on the house- she has everything else- all the info for anyone who expressed wanting to help & the invite info and will soon have all the addresses to send to. i have to do that too of course! i'm so glad that i was worried for nothing- well not really nothing as my poor friend really has been going through a rough time, hence not getting in touch with anyone. but she really wanted to do this for me & we talked for over an hour & a half & straightened everything out.

all we really have to do with the house is clean (constantly with 2 dogs & a cat) maybe finally get around to hanging up some pictures since my walls look like we just moved in!, and get a mad rush of work done to the kitchen. i am loving that the shower is here because it's a great motivator for the hub to finally get his butt in gear on the kitchen. i want the drywall finished. i would show pictures- but i am honestly ashamed of how long it has looked like this. while i do have some great excuses- there really is no more excuses allowed. i need the ceiling & walls finished & if i have to spackle & paint them myself that is what will happen. of course- i've never spackled, but how hard could it be? 7 months pregnant? no problem! painting i can do- even though the hub thinks i suck at anything but fine detail work- i did do all the stripes in the nursery! the floor won't be done- but i am okay with that. i can always pick up a little kitchen rug to hide the worst of it. it's just a plywood subfloor at this point. at least with walls & ceilings done it will look liveable! but we have 6 weeks to do that. and finish up the nursery (which is only maybe 2 weekends left). i think it's completely doable.

i do have to work this weekend & there are so many things i want to get off my plate before april. i have been neglecting something for embarrassingly too long. i want to finish that & get it the hell out! then i need to worry about the maternity leave talk i still haven't had. the insurance & daycare i still haven't figured out. but i am feeling much better about things getting done before she gets here.

on a happier note, after a vent

i have been feeling very down lately. i am bothered not so much by the thought of not having a shower thrown for me- if i really want one that badly i will just throw it my damn self. (but i think that's rather tacky- like asking for gifts so there will be none of that!) i've been bothered by the thought that i wanted everything about this pregnancy to be perfect- in that i want to live every moment like it's the only time i get it, since it may very well be. i have no idea if i will be able to get pregnant again, but i do know that after the past 2 years, one singular iui cycle, a really crappy economy & now a baby on the way- our finances will take a long time to bounce back to the point where we would even be able to consider it again. so i am assuming that this is my one & only pregnancy. i don't want to regret not doing something or feel like i missed out on the experience. that's really it more than anything.

i have to say that i am also extremely disappointed that my friend seemed to want to do this for me, she offered & asked me about it. we talked about any involvement she needed from me- that i would be willing and very able to help if needed/wanted. (even though i think it's kind of tacky to throw myself a shower- i would want to help anyone that wanted to throw me one. i know how tough it can be & i really don't want people spending money on me when i could offer my house as a location at the very least) then i never heard from her. i know my best friend here never heard from her & neither did my sister. if i was having a shower - shouldn't someone have found out addresses of where to send invitations? i know my family doesn't have the in-laws addresses. i know most of my friend's only know each other through me. i am 27 weeks. i am also an obsessive type a planner so i know what i would be doing right now to plan for someone else. and i probably would have already sent out invitations. but like i said- obsessive type a & maybe my lesson here is to let go & let other people be. because i sure won't be able to control a lot very soon & i need to learn that it's okay for things to be different from my master plan. i have always been able to be flexible, but i can't always let go of the disappointment over things not happening the way i pictured & i can forsee a lot of that coming up.

aside from all the selfish reasons i am a little down, i haven't even been able to get a hold of my friend to see if she's okay. i don't care if the events of her own life in the past few months (which have been kind of horrific) prevent her from doing this for me. i really truly understand. but it would be nice to at least know. and to know that she is okay. i feel like she is avoiding me- every phone call, every e-mail, no contact even through the networking sites.... i have always been very susceptable to feelings of abandonment. i do take things very personally in that i always look to myself first for a reason that someone may not be talking/responding to me. (does that sound conceited! believe me it's not- i always look to see how i am flawed or wrong in a situation, often inventing things that i did that the person took offense to & torturing myself over it until i finally find out that it was nothing to do with me in the first place) so i feel like if i could just talk with her- make sure everything is okay & just simply ask if she needs anything from me or if she wants to forget the whole thing- at least i will know & be able to lift off this black cloud i've been hiding under the past week or so. because my sister was here & we talked- i really just needed her to listen to get some of this out- and she said that no matter what she would make sure i got a shower- even if it was just her & me & some balloons. which is equally sad, but so sweet that she wants me to be happy too. even though it's just a stupid shower. (and it's not about gifts in the slightest. yes- we could really use some help since babies are fucking expensive, but if we got nothing we would still be okay & able to properly care for caiden, we are adults after all & if it means that i carry my debt around a few more months, then so be it. i can budget like nobodies business & i can find a bargain on anything. so i am not worried about the 'stuff' aspect. it's the warm fuzzies of having all your friends & family gather together & say 'welcome to the world' to your child. it's that one day of being told that you are wonderful because you will be 'mom'. can i get that other ways? sure i could. is the tradition important to me? of course!

okay- i am shaking myself off because i don't want this to be as whiny a post as it has already become. the happier note is that the nursery is now looking much more complete. we do still have to install trim (and by we i mean the hub), paint the floating shelves and the dresser white (the dresser is debatable- i may just keep it the way it is), and then do all the little decorative touches. but we now have a glider (thank you craigsl.ist!) which is just perfect! the carpet was freshly installed & we had a few scraps left over- hence the trash bag & padding hanging out...

i love this room. i can just walk in & feel better. it helps me to look forward to all the good things my life will soon have. and it helps me see how great things are now. the hub has labored long & hard on this room (and this house in general). i design- he executes. we make an excellent team & it makes me so proud & happy that we'll be doing this together.

sweet times (updated)

wish me luck- i am off to my 1 hour gtt now. mom is coming with me so we will at least have some time to catch up. they have spoiled us rotten for christmas, but that's another post...

update:

the 1 hour glucose was fine. i'm really glad my mom ended up being here & came along to it. i didn't realize you couldn't leave & i would have been bored out of my mind! it was nice to have an hour together just the two of us to catch up. they only stayed the one night on their yearly post-christmas travel session. as she was leaving my mom told the caiden-bump that the next time she saw her she would probably actually 'see' her! then my dad mentioned that she does have a few long weekends between now & then, so who knows... if i actually thought i was having a shower i would think that was a hint. but my family is scattered all over, a lot of my friends are too & they are all in different circles- there isn't one big group of girlfriends. i haven't been asked for a single address & i am 27 weeks tomorrow. time is ticking & i just don't see it happening. eh- i could be surprised, but i just don't know. i won't lie & say i don't care- i really kind of do, but i'm a big girl & can deal with it. maybe i'll just have a 'meet the baby' party since we don't belong to any religion to have a christening or whatnot to gather everyone together. plus that way everyone can meet her too. bah- maybe i'm just sad because i really liked spending time with my parents & it is all too short.

my sister is coming up tomorrow though. a total last minute surprise & it will be awesome to see her again. thankfully she stuck to her no buying presents for us rule, because we didn't get them anything either. we did repay her super generous loan (finally!) so that's good.

i do have a confession. now that i have let myself go to start buying things for caiden i have a compulsion. i can not go to a mall without picking up something for her. now- it's always on sale & i never spend more than $20 at a time, but i came home with 6 little outfits or pieces for her. i don't stock up on diapers, or essentials, or put the money towards a car seat. all things i should be doing now. and i don't really care when i go into her closet & look at the adorable little outfits & imagine who she will be as she wears them. it's surreal. but amazing. and all from some good old-fashioned american consumerism... i will give up buying clothes for me (that i really do kind of need right now) to get her something. i'm still well within the monthly budget, but any extra goes straight to her wardrobe. i do try to get a variety of sizes too though- she is pretty heavy in the 3 month or so range, but 6-12 is coming up nicely...

i also got my cradle from my aunt & set it up last night. not sure if this is the final spot- but i think it is awesome that my daughter will spend her first few weeks where i spent mine.

the blanket is one that i actually made- not sure when she will really get to use it, but it makes the cradle look a little less bare right now!