Pinball

My brain is shooting in so many directions lately. I am still reeling from the loss of Nancy. Not being able to be there to say goodbye is flavoring her loss with a strong sense of the surreal. My brain keeps slipping. Telling me she is just a text away. But she isn't. I have thought of so many things in the past 2 weeks that I have wanted to share with her. Or ask her opinion on. Or just call her to chat about. I miss her so much it hurts. But she has already taught me. I want to do more for her. I can be more. I can educate or be a catalyst. Since I had pre-ecclampsia with my daughter and was blessed with a happy ending while one of my closest lifelong friends is still leveled by the loss of her angel daughter from the same disease I think I have found my passion cause. While I will always support and advocate for IF and all it entails, I think my energy will most likely be focused on finding a way to educate and fundraise for this particular possibility. I have found a local walk that I will participate in next year. I also found a charity organization that supplies blankets and knit items for nicu babies & their parents. I love to knit and to make something that could comfort grieving parents in some infinitesimal way would almost start to feel like a contribution. The one thing I want to ask my friend K is IF she got to hold and cradle her little girl. I know the question is really not mine to ask since that moment is hers. I think it is my hope that she got that hour with her.
Just like I wish that all mommies that have tried & hoped & wanted their babies so very much get to have those moments that I quite frankly have to remind myself sometimes not to overlook. But some don't. Some never get there. Some are there for far too short a time.
Whether it is infant loss or parent loss the loss is hitting me in the gut these days. I have been having various nightmares. They always involve pumpkin. I am sure that is significant in some way. Little Bear is loved and cherished, but he was not sought after the way she was. I know already there is a difference there. Not in the amount of love or care, but something far more intangible and hard to describe. She is tied to so many emotions that he isn't. I struggled for her and hold her differently. He is my sweet sunshine. She is my hard won diva. She is the one I think of with every horrid news story involving a child. Every time I think of Nancy I imagine not getting to hear her little voice telling me 'my name is pbs.org' (which I don't understand but love). Every time I think of K i think of the lifetime of missed kisses and cuddles and boo-boos that she will never know. And if there is or was anything I could do to ease any of those pains I will. Even if it can't change anything for my friends. I hope that in their honor a small difference will be made.
I am rambling. As usual. That's the real purpose for this blog, but this has been an especially rambly kind of time.
In other news: in short... No move is planned right now. Job stays here. Kids are amazingly well and I am trying to enjoy all the moments. Hub & I are pretty good. For the most part really good with a smattering of fight/bicker here & there. Job is good, but crazy busy. I can't wait for vacation despite the fact that we have a lot of good and exciting projects at my job.
This is the first year we can take a real vacation and I can not wait. I have something utterly kitschy and very americana planned and booked. But I have a month & a half to wait.
After this long winding bouncing post I just want to wrap up with this- enjoy what life gives you. Even what you think is tough, someone else would wish for. You can handle anything. Because the beautiful part of life is that you are here. For the briefest of moments. And not much matters beyond living the life you can look back on with no regrets - except that there is never enough life to live. Soak up every moment and try to remember at least every day or week that no matter how hard or bleak it seems, the life we have really is a gift we can enjoy and use how we wish. This is the advice I am telling myself these days

RIP

For my friend.




My tattoo. It represents my family. The thing in my life I am most proud of and happy with. It is the first thing people can see and there is little to hide it unless I really have to.


Special socks just for Nancy.

I will always miss you my badass sweet beautiful big hearted friend

Farewell my sweet snarky friend

It has taken since Thursday to attempt to write this and I am sure I am not done yet, but today is a week after Nancy died. (man is it hard to spell that out...) I have been mia from the IF community for a few years now- after 2 kiddos in just over 2 years I didn't feel I had a real home there anymore. But with her death I had to see for myself that it was real and I know this community rallies in tragedy. This is my first comment in years on the stirrup queens blog. A day after the sucker punch to the heart that was learning that my friend Nancy is really gone. While the cause of her death and the circumstances around it aren't really clear- in a way it doesn't matter. A light has gone out & knowing how it happened won't turn it back on. It seems like no one could have prevented it and I certainly can't change it. I can only hope she had no pain and that the inevitable grief and pain her family feels will be replaced with the happy memories of their awesome mom, wife, sister, daughter. Of her infectious laugh and smile. Her sweet and ever generous spirit & her way of saying what you needed to hear- not necessarily what you wanted to hear. She told great stories & 'crazy guy pills' still makes me shake my head with a smile:

I am still in shock and a large part of me refuses to believe that this firecracker, snarky, fearless, brave & yet sweet & fragile lioness is gone. I only got a brief visit in person, yet Nancy was a very special part of my life. One that I wish I had to cherish just a little longer. We met on WebMD boards and she introduced me to the blogging community (and the whole concept of blogging) which became my outlet in our limited bout with IF. She was a truly understanding and compassionate friend to me despite distance, despite not actually being close enough to offer a hug for comfort. I could call or text or email her with any question or vent and never had to worry about feeling judged. I knew I would get a no-hold’s barred answer- but that is what I loved about her. She was not perfect- but she would be the first to tell you so. She was also the first to comfort, the first to virtually ‘yell’ just POAS already & get it over with! She was the first person (besides my husband) that I told of our surprise pregnancy with #2. I was supposed to finally be able to host her this year so she could meet him.
I am in tears over the loss of this amazing woman in a community of amazing women. The world is a little dimmer now. My tattooed roller derby foul mouthed momma is gone.
I will cherish the time I could call her my friend and I will try to enjoy and really live my life without fear the way she could inspire me to. I will strive for honesty and truth in her honor. And I will one day ride some rollerskates and think of her.
My heart is with her family and especially the children that I know she loved more than anything.



Tonight I took the time to really enjoy my babies. We had an impromptu dance party that started outside on my steps and moved into the house and ended with all three of us in a breathless happy pile on the floor. I thought of her then and while I wish she could have many more years of just these moments, I felt a glimmer of a smile that she could now look over us & see that I can honor her life by living and enjoying mine fully.
I love you Nancy and I will never forget you.

Remember Nancy

The wonderful gangsta Kym has organized a fitting tribute for Nancy. Her obituary and information on how to donate for her family are in the page as well. If anyone doesn't have facebook just e-mail for the information and I will send it to you.

I still don't know how to process that she is gone. I have been scouring the internet & stalking her facebook page for 2 days straight. I have reread some of her favorite posts, e-mails & texts and I still was waiting to really see it for it to truly sink in. It really is real. My snarky sweet & badass friend is gone. I don't know how (really- I have heard blood clot from a former surgery - one of 23 I think) and I certainly don't know why. I do know she had been through the ringer like most of us these past few years- but despite some serious setbacks she was sounding so much more like her Nancy self we all knew and loved. Her light was so bright that I am blinking in the dark a bit now that it is out.

I don't have much to give- but I want to be able to show her family & especially her children that she was truly loved for her amazing spirit. And I for one will never forget her.

Heart broke

I have lost my friend. I only got to really see her once. She was there for me despite the distance. She was supposed to come visit me this year. I can't even imagine after the triumphs over many many hardships these past few years that she is now gone. Her heart was gold. I will miss her more than she will ever know.