this pincushion stuff might have something to it

i am done with af. while this may not be amazing to anyone else- & who knows who would actually care!- for me it is pretty impressive. i usually have about 4-5 days of flow with at least 2 more days of spotting after that. this time i had 3 days of flow- different than my usual in that it was, well just different. then a little lighter flow on day 4- yesterday- and today- nada. i am done. the book my acupuncturist gave me said that my flow pattern was consistent with my kidney yang (or liver qi) deficiency. which i of course take with a huge grain of salt.

but to actually start to see a difference is amazing. it restores a little tiny shred of hope that i am doing something. my temps were so different last cycle & i'm becoming convinced it was acupuncture that did it. now after years of a long cycle with a long af i have something different. and right now different is fucking awesome. now i get to see if this 'natural cl.omid' will work.

17 down

there is a whole lot of pity in me today. i'll try to get it out of the way & move on to the recap of my fantastic weekend with my friend.

cycle #18 started on saturday. even after my small temp drops i still had hope. it's now gone in a rush that has left me feeling so empty, so drained, that i don't know how to keep going. i know i will- i'll put one foot in front of the other & keep trekking. but right now it's like moving through quicksand. i keep hearing announcements- of babies, 1st birthdays, pregnancies- and my own announcement feels so far, so unimaginable. the only shred of hope i have is that i can keep doing acupuncture because (surprise, surprise) i did not magically find a thousand dollar bill on my way to work today & there will be no more RE visits for at least a few months if we're lucky. they didn't even bother calling me back after my message with day one on saturday. there will be no cl.mid challenge. i don't know why i think that's the key, maybe it's because there's nothing else. and if cl.mid or a few IUI's don't work, we're done. no moving on to ivf & adoption would be years away.

i was thinking today about faith & fate. i have lost faith that i can get pregnant. which boggles my mind because by all medical definitions- i can get pregnant. i just can't feel it. does that mean it's not my fate, or am i just a pessimistic fatalistic hormonal mess right now... i have no idea. lately it just feels like fate is against me. and all faith is gone on a holiday.

enough of that shit. on to my weekend. my great & wonderful friend came down on thursday. she got stuck in horrible traffic & was late, but we went to the art museum pretty much as soon as she got in & the pups let her breath. we had perfect timing to go to the kahlo exhibit. i loved it more than my poor words can express. the photographs were my favorite (the 2 fridas really got me too) and i loved the glimpses into the 'real' frida. we did the audio tour & i found myself tearing up periodically. her story is such tragic beauty. i loved the recent movie & this exhibit was a gem into her life. of course on thursday i still had plenty of hope that maybe we did it this month, maybe the high temps were real. so i was far less of a tearful mess than o would have been, say- today. it was really only a few subtle drips. i brought k to my favorite place in the museum- the medieval wing- which goes into the asian wing. which really makes no sense- but you walk through reproductions of ancient castle halls, to a buddhist monastery, to a beautifully tiled mosque, and a japanese tea house & garden. for me it's the most relaxing & wonderful space. she's an art teacher so we were both in heaven. we missed the anse.l a.dams exhibit since it was across the street & it was that or the modern wing- i let her have the modern wing. i'm not the biggest modern art fan- i appreciate it & can find beauty in it, but for me i like stories. photography is my favorite medium because it lets me see the story better- if that makes any sense... i like graphics, & impressionism, and post-modernism, pop art is pretty cool, but portraits & beautifully shot landscapes, or cityscapes do me in. i can spend hours absorbing.

we then had to stroll down the r.ocky stairs & see the statue. (he comes back for a cameo later) it was a good intro to philly. then home & dinner & catching up.

friday we went for brunch with the hub- who then left us to our girls weekend as he rode up to see his folks. we went to l.ongwood gardens. oh. my. fucking. god. the beauty hit me over the head over & over. we spent 5 hours walking around & taking pictures. she is an art teacher after all, and i wish i could have been a photographer. so here's a little montage of beauty- or as i like to call it, garden porn:

we went out on friday night & both got a little bit drunk. alright- i got a little bit drunk- she got tanked. it was the only time she was upset that i saw all weekend- so i feel pretty good about my role as distractor for that!

saturday was recovery & then time for derby- she's a roller girl in a new league in ny (osda) and some of her girls were coming down for a bout near me. i became an honorary member that night & my name is jenn-e-furious. (okay- i gave it to myself & no one called me that- but if i could do derby i fucking would love that shit! unfortunately the one kidney really is a hindrance- or at least a discouragement to roller glory) the bout was insane- i loved every second of it. i couldn't understand it at all at first- but about 5 minutes in i had a handle on it.

sunday we went to the m.utter museum with her derby girls. it is a medical museum that houses many samples & oddities mainly from the 18th to 20th centuries. they had a new photography exhibit. i love this museum- this was my fourth time going since i moved down here. i find it fascinating & the only thing that grosses me out are the old medical instruments. i must say that some of the exhibit was hard to see. there are many fetal skeletons and such. being that i was on day two- it was a bit rough. so i was ready when we were all done & went to south st. i usually don't hang out down there- the feeling of the street has changed and it's not as much fun for me as it was. but i was a tourist in my own city. and i have to say that seeing my city through the eyes of new yorkers who hadn't hung out there was kind of cool. hearing that i lived in a great city from people who live a hop skip (yup- i said hop skip) away from the urban mecca was kind of nice. because i've always felt a little like i settled- like i couldn't take the plunge of living in ny. i know myself & it's too much for me. i love that philly is a big small town & i am comfortable here. but not usually bored. which works really well for me.

i had to say goodbye to my bud once we got back home. i wish i could have had a few more days. it was like being back in high school, but grown up. fun. easy. no drama. (except of course for the reason she was here- drama with her fucko ex husband) i think we are going to visit her next month for her birthday. i should be onto cycle 19 by then so i can cut loose on her turf!

all in all it was a wonderful long weekend & i loved every minute. i really only lost it yesterday into today. i was suppressing all my emotions to keep her weekend going well & carefree. and i'd do it again. because she reminded me that i am lucky. i married my best friend & he loves me more than some people get to experience.

at least there will be wine

two distinct negatives, yesterday & today. while i tend to thin that nancy may be right about my O date being 2 days later than what ff shows- i would still be12 dpo today. with a teeny temp drop. so- pretty standard.

i am much better today than i was yesterday. i still feel like i should be seeing a positive though. i am hot. and i am never hot. my boobs hurts so bad i wish i didn't have them. i feel full & bloated & slightly crampy.

but all this really means is that i have tons of progesterone in my system, which i have always pretty much known to be the case in my LP. or, just maybe, the acupuncture may be staring to work already after only 2 sessions. i have my third one today & i am bringing my charts for her to look at. i can see a big difference, but of course i was really hoping it was from a little bean. but maybe i just need to be a little more patient. after all- i only started the acupuncture right around ovulation- she wants to work on my follicular phase to get me to O better & quicker. basically- natural clomid (i guess...)

i definitely won't be able to afford the clomid challenge this month, so sticking with the acupuncture works for me. we had to put my car on the road & going to bring my sisters car back has wiped us out financially right now. the sales job didn't pan out so well for the hub (he was doing great, but the company was apparently pretty shady as he found out) so he's back to being a courier. which is fine, but there's a transitional period of adjustment where if you have no money saved it's very hard to scrape up an extra thousand for baby making. so clomid is definitely off the table right now. my RE's going to forget what i look like, but i keep having this nagging thought that just one of these times i'm going to be able to call up & say 'screw the day one doc, i'm pregnant already. you're not getting that grand from me' -ah, fantasy.

my friend will be here around noon, i have acupuncture at 10:30 and i cleaned most of the house last night. i just need to make a quick dog bed cover for my little man to keep him off the couch & i am set.

maybe my future child knew i would be needed this month for wine drinking & ex-husband bashing and decided to wait until next month to show up... again- fantasy sure is fun right now.

*update after acupuncture- so she looked at my charts & said that my temps are certainly up where they should be, but previous charts don't show the strongest O. but then she went on to say- you didn't try this month, did you? when i answered yes she said that i might just be pregnant this month. i informed her of said negatives & she said it might just be too early. so she took it easy on the invigorating points. she did get one in my foot that i literally felt what seemed to be a jolt of electricity as she put the needle in. it was gone in a second, but that really surprised me. she also got a new spoy on my belly and i swear the needle was all the way in.
i now definitely have cramps, so i do think she's wrong about it just being early, but it's just wait & see now- i'm out of tests & i won't buy another until i know i am truly late on sunday. my friend is about 20 minutes or so away so i will be back if there's big news, but otherwise i am immersing myself in vacation & f*ck the cycle mode.

be nice to the earth today

i wish i had more green at my house, but my little flower garden has stopped giving flowers. with my girlfriend coming this weekend & me out of town last weekend i haven't been able to take advantage of the beautiful weather & remedy the lack of flowers. but i eventually will. the only thing i did for earth day this year is pick up a reusable bag to take shopping. that's pretty much it. oh- and the hub & i are carpooling for 2 days, but that's necessity, not eco-consciousness.

i am very excited about seeing my friend- and having a hopefully relaxing & fun filled long weekend! the final itinerary has not been fully planned- but i will definitely be posting pictures!

i'll probably be occupied past thursday, but i have decided that unless i wake up to af i am going to test that morning. it should be around 14 dpo (11 if i think it was a day 21 O which i don't really) and i can believe the negative & go to acupuncture & enjoy my time with my friend. but let me just say that that pesky bitch has decided to show up in full force this month & i am having to struggle to beat her down. exhibit a- my poor sore achy boobs. i know- they are always sore around this time which is why i hate this 'symptom'. exhibit b-i don't know wtf to make of this. again- i have had some really pretty charts & i suppose that the acupuncture could be creating higher temps since she is trying to 'heat me up' so to speak. but that can mess with a girls head. exhibit c- pure fancy, but i had a dream in which i got a positive. i have never had a dream where i could see the second line. i've had plenty of dreams where i was obviously pregnant or had a child already, but never one where i saw the positive. of course- that was 2 days ago- last night i dreamt of re's & things being shoved up hoo-ha's & everyone else being pregnant but me. so even my subconscious will not let miss hope in for too long. at least it's only another day or 2 no matter what. i figure if my temp drops tomorrow that's the sign i need to quit the charade.

if i am not around or commenting much it's just too hard to get to my computer- i have an entire house to clean, a car to inspect & get on the road, a ton of shit to do at work & only 2 more days to do it in. that should hopefully keep my mind off hope!

mia

i am off to return my sister's car today. i am really excited to get to see her & spend some quality time with her. but it also means that everything that i wanted to do this weekend can not happen.
i wanted to come up with a meal plan for the week to try to make it easier to incorporate some of the restrictions from my tcm doc. because without it i am hopeless!
i wanted to really clean out my new car so i didn't have to scramble to do it on sunday, but oh well. at least i'll have a new car (new for me anyway) to clean out.
i wanted to get into the book i was lent by the tcm doc- but i am taking a train back so i'll have at laest 4 hours to get into it.
i also wanted to make some appontments for my shoulder pain that i've been hoping will just get better over the past 6 months or so- it hasn't. so i need to get that checked out.

oh- and i am still as confused as ever by my chart. if i discard day 18 & temp correct day 21 back an hour FF thinks I o'ed on day 21. but i am not 100% convinced. either way- what is up with my temps after that! there's usually something other than a 45 degree angle! i will probably test next thursday since my friend is coming down- i'll either be 14 dpo or 11. safe enough for another bfn to really count.

reflection

my blogoversary is today. i have had this blog for one year & 160 posts. i don't know how i feel about that. technically i am no closer to having a child today than i was 365 days ago. i have had many blood draws, things shoved up my hoo-ha (for diagnostic purposes- get your minds out of the gutter!), needles, pokes, & prods. and what do i know?

i know the hub is NOT the issue. i know my tubes are NOT the issue. i know my hoo-ha is just fine. i know my hormones are just fine. there is no logical reason why we can't get pregnant. am i just supposed to accept that i will have to pay thousands of dollars for a chance at what we have been told we should be able to do without drugs & intervention? i can't quite do it. but something is going to have to give. and soon. i had to go into the bathroom at work & have a sad little private cry after one of our coworkers came by with her two little boys. she went to change the older one & i held the little one. all i could think is how happy i would be to be 'mommy' to my own. and then how far i feel from that day. i feel farther now than i did a year ago.

back when i started this blog it was to vent my frustrations at how long it was taking to get pregnant. HA! how naive. how juvenile that feels now. 6 months is a cake walk. i'm looking at 18 months in a week & while that really really sucks, it doesn't feel as bad as i thought it would. back then i remember thinking that i would be giving up right around now. there was no way i could take more than a year of this. now i'm dragging my heels on moving forward with any kind of medication. i keep feeling that my body can do it. i should be able to do this- i want so badly to be able to get pregnant without taking drugs. i only say this because i know that i ovulate. i know that my hormones are good. i know that there really is no reason so far & i want to be able to just get pregnant. and if it comes to it i will be more than happy to take the drugs & start cycling. i just don't think that i am there yet.

i know this is why i am so drawn to acupuncture. even if what my tcm doc told me didn't ring true to me, i would still give it a shot. it's non-invasive & very relaxing. if anything- this past year has been full of stress. between the shop closing, the financial strain, the countless bfn's, and the start of testing & possible treatment- this year has been a lot to handle. if laying in a quiet room with a few needles pincushioning me helps me relax & destress- i can't say no. but hearing that she believes i have a kidney qi deficiency, that we need to heat me up, that cold foods & even salads aren't what my body wants, that she is going to treat me to improve the time until my ovulation- these all kind of make sense to me. let me say that i will not be able to completely cut out dairy or refined sugar (i'm realistic) but i will make an effort to not eat them as much as possible. when she said that the raw veggies in salad actually slow my digestion down it did make sense. i (usually) eat pretty healthy. if i eat something heavy for lunch- i'll have a salad for dinner- or vice versa. i try to be consistent & eat a salad for lunch a few times a week. but despite that- i never really lose weight. i have had weeks where i drink nothing but water & eat like a dyed in the wool dieter- and nada. i'm going to give this a shot & see where it takes me. i figure i should see some sort of results within a month. if i am not convinced then i can always do the clomid challenge. it's not like there's a magic month that i need to do that in.

the other change in the past year that i have noticed is how i deal with pregnant friends. i am still incredibly sad every time i hear an announcement, a 'i can't wait to have another' or a casual conversation about who's going to be next. seeing pregnant strangers & moms pushing their babies around make me wistful & a little choked up. but the sadness is not really jealousy laced like it was a year ago. i am ashamed of how consumed i was with jealousy then. i envied what others had. all i could focus on was how unfair it was that it wasn't me too. i wanted to be that person so badly. i wanted to be the one with the big beautiful belly. and it wasn't happening. and it's still not happening, but the jealousy has gone away (almost completely). i can be genuinely happy for others again. but i am still always sad it isn't me & i am now frightened that it won't be me.
there is a numbing. hope is still here, but she shows up later & later & leaves pretty quickly. i don't know if this is because i still feel in limbo with deciding on treatments & having a diagnosis. whatever the reason, i feel farther from being a mommy than i ever have. it seems impossible, something that happens to others, but not anything i can visualize for myself. have i built pregnancy into mythical proportions? is it really something that happens the only time you forget a pill or the one time he forgets a condom? i can not imagine such a thing in my world & the longer we try the less i can imagine getting pregnant at all. i am never really surprised by the negatives or getting my period every month. they still crush me and i mourn what could have been- the due date i will never have, that child we will never have. but i am not surprised at all. i have no expectations of actually getting pregnant. i can not visualize the second line. i can't imagine actually having to purchase maternity wear. but the want has grown. i want my child(ren). i want the hub to see our baby on an ultrasound & talk to them through my belly. i want to be a mommy & make my hub a father. i want to have a happy family dammit. i want my father-in-law to meet his grandchild. i want to see my dad putting together my childs toys at christmas. i want to hear 'mama'.

in my first acupuncture session there was about 20 minutes or so where i was alone with my thoughts in the community room. seemingly out of nowhere i started to have this conversation in my head with my unborn children. i told them that i was doing everything i could to make myself a better mom for them, that i would continue to do whatever i could to make a happy home for them. how much i loved them before they are even conceived & how i can't wait to know them, so could they please decide to come soon? a few slow tears crept out on me & i literally had to shake myself out of it. but i felt a little release. maybe by having this little conversation with myself i can allow a little hope & faith that it really is is the stars for us, our kids are just waiting for the right time. or maybe it means i just need to figure out when & how we can move forward & give them a boost.

on this anniversary i am confused, scared, sad, torn, more relaxed & more stressed at the same time, happier with the hub & even more secure in our relationship. and most importantly i am more resolved that even if it takes another year- i can not stop trying to be a mommy. i just hope that i can maintain a positive outlook and glimmers of hope & sanity & keep a firm grip on myself.

holy crap

tomorrow is my blogoversary! it totally snuck up on me. too early & too busy to post now- i have a lot going through my head right now about the past year... i'll have to come back to it.

a whole lotta randomness- complete with photos

this post will be all over the board today- there is so much on my mind & in my life right now- i just need to get it all out & down- bear with me if this seems jumbled & disorganized. I feel like that is my story these days & i just need to sort it all out!

i had my first acupuncture visit today. my day started around 8:30 am and i really enjoyed having that hour of relaxation. after the week i have had at work (nonstop busy) at home (roller coaster emotions from the hub about his job) and in my own body (i'll be getting there later) i needed time to just be alone & quiet & recharge. i have to say that overall- i really really like the dr. she's sweet & cute, gentle & kind. after 5 minutes i felt like i was chatting with a girlfriend. i loved how knowledgeable she seems to be about fertility- not just as it relates with acupuncture, but overall. she took one quick look at my questionnaire & started asking questions that seemed so unrelated to what i wrote- but were so relevant to me. she asked if i was always cold, about my digestive 'issues' & had some really good insight to that. once i told her that i had my kidney removed & why- she got this 'a-ha' look on her face. she explained that all my symptoms- being cold, low slow pulse, slow digestion, are all related to low kidney chi (forgive me if i butcher this explanation with my ignorance of proper terminology!) and that in order to 'cook a baby for nine months' (i kind of loved that this was her analogy!) we needed to kick start my kidney area & give me some fire (she may have said heat) she also wants to see me regularly once a week and see about some herbs & supplements. due to my low overall temps she was concerned about a luteal phase defect - but all my hormone levels have checked out normal. The first blood draw the RE took was about 8 -9 dpo, so i know i have had all the relevant bloodwork done. she said that for her it was fairly easy to diagnose me - which was kind of nice to hear since there's no diagnosis at all with western medicine. the only thing i did not enjoy was when she said i had to stop drinking cold things- no iced drinks (what the hell is a philly girl to do in the summer!) and no. more. ice. cream. again- philly+summer= hot, humid disgusting mess. solution= mr. softy ice cream cones!
she asked if i had started any treatments or ovarian stimulation- which i found myself saying that i hadn't yet- it was the next step. but a step i am hesitant to take. i surprised myself with this. i haven't been consciously thinking about it, but i have actually been kind of glad for the forced wait for the clomid in a way. i don't like to take medication- i never have. don't get me wrong- i believe that at times it is necessary & i have & will continue to mainly follow doctor's orders on such things. but i do stand up for myself & ask questions about what a medication is for & why do i need it before i just pop em. i have felt that my re is just moving on to the next step, which is normal for him, but i am not sure i am ready to go there yet. i really don't think i have an ovulation problem & i am 99% sure that my luteal phase is pretty good too. i am curious if going sans medication for a few more months would actually do anything, if we can do this without medical intervention since we are technically 'normal' (for now).

but then again- i am tired of this shit. if the hub gives me $1000 in 2 weeks i can easily see myself signing right up for the clomid challenge. if it's moving forward i will be happy. if it moves us all the way to the finish line i don't really care what is responsible. i will most likely end up doing acupuncture once a week- as long as my crazy ass schedule can fit it in, and probably will do the clomid cycle next month. the hub is getting very frustrated & i think that the actual trying portion is starting to get to him. just like me he is feeling the futility, but unlike me- this has an adverse side affect of making sex less desirable. which makes it a little difficult to try to get pregnant. he now wants to try IUI's- which i am not at all opposed to, i just don't know if i am there yet. and we certainly aren't 100% there financially- even though the job has been going splendidly & we are pretty much recovered.

unless of course my stupid body cooperates & actually gets pregnant this month. but judging from my chart my body is schizophrenic. i had ovulation pains (i think...) yesterday & today. i had positive opk's yesterday & today. that all points to an ovulation sometime either today or tomorrow. but my temps look like i o'd two days ago! what do i believe? temps don't lie- right? either way the hub & i have had a fairly good week as far as timing goes- but who knows if that will make a difference.



***updated- i removed this section cuz i just don't like to leave those things up for too long...


just to leave with even more random photos- i have been on a photo frenzy lately & as cheesy as they are- i love these...

now - i must go get ready for tonight's excursion- apparently the hub made our plans & they involve a party & karaoke. i refuse to pollute the world with my screeching erm- singing. but it should be interesting to say the least.

ps- since mel is calling for it & i just checked my stats & saw someone got here from Osaka (how cool is that! ohio gozaimasu! god i'm rusty!) i say fess up! even if you go back to lurking- let me know who's out there!

I get to see my city in a whole new light!

my kate-e-fur is coming to see me! 2 & a half weeks! i even took off a few days from work to make the most of it- we're going to museums & gardens & exploring my city like i haven't had the chance to do in a while!

i hope it's a good distraction for her in this tough time. unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) i will be due for my period while she's here. so i will either be unable to commisserate properly with her over a few bottles of wine (how else do you say good riddance to a crappy hubby of 5 months who left you to be a divorcee before the thank you cards are all sent out!) or i will be unable to stop the weeping & just bring her back down... i would rather take door number one bob.

irony in the stars (updated)

so i get one of those cheesy daily horoscopes & daily tarot card reading, and daily couple's horoscope things sent to me.
today's tarot car was:
The Sun card suggests that my alter ego is the Golden Child, whose superpower for celebration lies in expressing my love, joy and pride. I will be happy today, reflecting on the simple joys in life and my glory days. It's all good! You are in your happy place -- shining brightly for all to see. It may seem too good to be true, but don't worry and enjoy the experience while it lasts.

while today's daily horoscope is:
Things are pretty intense today -- which can feel good or bad, depending on circumstances. The good news is that if you're down, that just means you need to shift your perspective a little.


first off- i did not wake up happy today. i have 3 million things to do and not enough time now to do them. i am settling into a good old-fashioned funk. too many new pregnancies & new babies with not enough action or hope on my end. it's hard not to get down when you see a fresh round of bfp's and have to keep wondering why it's not you. plus- being unexplained with no resources (yet) to move forward is taking it's toll on me. yes- we technically still have a relatively normal chance of getting pregnant on our own- but i think that starts to drop every month after a year. yes- there's nothing 'wrong' with us (yet) but we can't even get the last test my clinic wants done. i hate feeling like i am in limbo- i don't think of myself as infertile because despite being on cycle 17, despite having no baby after 12 months+ of trying- we check out clean. we haven't started treatments. i'm really not in the trenches. i'm hovering on the edge of the trench- waiting to get pushed in, but not able to just hop across it. it's a precarious & draining place to be. knowing that there is no medical reason we can't get pregnant, but we still can't get pregnant. it invites all sorts of 'woe is me' 'why not me' 'what the fuck is so wrong with us that crackheads get to get pregnant & we don't' kind of thoughts.

the more superficial reason i am in a funk today is that i have to buy new pants- which while it may sound fun to you, actually is giving me hives. i'm trying to dress less casually at work with more consistency. my firm is amazing for the non-traditional attire we can wear- after all we are designers! but i am trying to not wear jeans as much & last week i had meetings 4 out of 5 days. it's not quite warm enough for skirts here because i just can't do pantyhose & i only have one pair of opaque black tights (which means the look is good for about once every other week as it's quite a look). my pants stopped fitting me. half because they are still too damn tight after my surgery a year & a half ago (yikes!) and half because they are too loose (woo-hoo!) so i gave away most of the too tights- holding on to one or two i just have to fit into and all but one of the too looses. i only held on to that one because they are really nice black pants & the only black dress pants i have. oh- and have i ever mentioned that i supported my hub for over a year... on my not so significant salary. needless to say, i have not bought more than $100 worth of new clothes in well over a year. my biggest splurge was recently purchasing skinny black jeans & 2 cute tops on the clearance racks that i can wear to work on meeting days. and they are great- but again- it's a look and can maybe be stretched to twice in a week. i am starting to feel the crunch. (a little disclaimer- i have always had tons of clothes- i usually require two closets. i am a picky bargain shopper, so i don't spend a ton to get them, but i love clothing, fashion, being current -not trendy- i love to spend hours to find that special unique piece. and shoes. i miss them.)

whew- well, the reason i get hives from having to go shopping is because of the whole no money for so long thing. now that the hubs job is stabling out & he is bringing home some real money i should be relaxing. the bills are paid or about to be. we even have enough to splurge on a fancy dinner with a ton of people from work tonight. it's walking distance to my house & i really wanted to go, but a fixed prix 5 course menu gave me & my wallet a heart attack when i found out about it- after agreeing to go of course! so we can now afford it, but i still can't help thinking that if we are doing this- something needs to give. of course i want that something to be my new pants- however necessary they really might be. i want any & all extra money to go to babymaking. i want to be able to call in 3 weeks or so & say- of course i will do the clomid challenge this month- pshaw- we can afford that grand easily! i want to finally pay my bills for the hss & hsg from last month. i want to be able to build up my savings again.

i do know that with all this- i still need to keep my job & looking like a slob because i keep wearing too loose pants, or not being able to dress to the level of professionalism required because my last pair of tan dress pants popped every button for the 8th time (due to age people- not my girth- i swear!) is not going to help keep me there. not that i am really worried about losing my job- but it is my career & i care very much about it. and you get the job you dress for- especially in such an image based career- who would get their hair cut but someone with a flock of seagulls do - who would trust someone in dated, unprofessional garb to give them a unique & special space & effectively run a project..

so- the hub gave me $50. which actually did lighten my mood up a bit. i can probably turn that into at least 2 pairs of dress pants. but i only have 5 hours to get ready, head to work to wrap a few things up (2 hours at least) and then shop & be back for 6 or so. my dinner is tonight starting somewhere around 8. and i have to look good for it... ;o)


UPDATE: i got new pants! these are a size 10 (meh.) but the 8's in a different style totally fit- i just didn't like the style! these 10's are low & wide leg, so having them a tad bit too big is much better than too tight! i also got 3 new shirts & a super cute pair of new shoes! i wore the new shoes for dinner & i love love love them-except for wearing new shoes when you are walking to dinner is not so fun- these ones need to be broken in a little first!
*kate- don't read this- you have been warned!!!
dinner was fan-fucking-tastic! the food was amazing & they had accommodated for me with the no fish, no red meat thing. oh. my. god. pork chop with homemade pesto & stuffed with spinach & goat cheese. holy crap. all the pasta was made about 10 minutes before we ate it. everyone else got soft shelled crabs, butterfish, and lamb. but i was special. tee hee. and the wine was flowing- i stayed with the reds, but we had met up at a local pub for some beers first. thankfully since we ate so much i was fine (i also 'only' had 2 beers & 2 glasses-over 4 hours), but i think the hub drank a little more wine than i did & by the time we went to lay down he was spinning. poor guy! all in all- it really was a great night & seeing as i am now on day 14 i think it was the perfect night to say goodbye to alcohol for a little while. i just hope it's for a year!!!! please oh please.
i still have a ton of work to do today- but i do have to say how much i love google reader! i can make sure i stay up to date with all the blogs i read & it's easier to add more to the list. especially since i really can't go online during the day at all it works great for me.

wow

kate less than 3's me! while i have absolutely no idea what this means- i am thrilled!

seriously- what is <3?>
anyway- i less than 3 nancy because she has always shared her wealth of knowledge, her caring, and her honest perfect wit. she's also the one who inspired me to start blogging. even though she has been going through so much lately she still supports so many.





i actually <3 everyone who reads & comments here. it makes me so happy to see the 'comments need moderation' e-mails. cheesy, but true!
i don't less than 3 blogger because i've had to write this post 17 times since it keeps fucking up my formatting & i can't get the damn image on here. fucking lame.

ack. life can suck

at least my life is seeming to even out lately. the hub has been doing great at the new job & we may actually have a decent chance of catching up & even affording the clomid challenge next cycle. i am very grateful for that.

i am grateful to have the hub tonight. as much as this year (+) has been a struggle and been the most difficult thing i have done (including a difficult program at school & getting myself out of debt- only to fall back in it after this year, blech) i have learned to be thankful that i am going through it with the man i love more than anything. as much as we have both said things we don't really mean out of fear & anger this past year- i know that we love each other unconditionally.

this love fest for my hub comes on the heels of finding out one of my greatest & oldest friends has just been left by her husband. of 5 months. for no good reason. this is a woman who did everything for this man for 3+ years & only asked for love in return. this is a man who seems to be a child at heart- not ready for commitment, yet not man enough to say something before lifetime vows were exchanged. of course- i don't know the whole story, i am reacting to what my dear friend has told me. but i do know that she doesn't deserve this. she didn't deserve to have this beautiful wedding, only to have the marriage crumble. and hearing this today makes me so grateful for what i have- my hub, my rock, my love. i hope my friend finds her rock soon.