Wednesday, September 30, 2009
how spoiled am i?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
blushing
i have been a little quiet this past week- i know. even for quiet ole me- i've been quiet. still reading, still here, but we've all had colds & pumpkin has turned into a cranktastic mess starting at 6:30 pm & continuing until she decides it's bedtime sometime between 8 & 8:30. she is distracted for moments by various things- floor time with her awesome leapfrog toy, floor time chasing daddy's toes, floor time literally chomping on the metal bars of the coffee table (hey- who am i to deny her- it's clean!), time in her walker, a frozen peach, a gel toy, dinner, nursing, diaper change. all these things must be rotated every 15-20 minutes and it is exhausting. i have tried no nap in the afternoon. i have tried late nap in the afternoon. i think her teeth just ache by the end of the day & she is tired of it. add to that a dwindling head cold (the vaporizer has been running almost constantly & did seem to shorten her misery a bit compared to ours) and my normally happy babbling little babers is a whiny mess. which means that very tired mommy- who is also sick- is on constant demand because while daddy tries to step in (and really has stepped up a lot) she wants none of it. long story to say i am run the fuck down. so much that the hub has been worried about me & after doing a little work yesterday morning he took us to the park for some relaxing lunch by the water. it was really nice- if a bit windy- and just what i needed to recharge a little.
all this is down the street...
all this is down the street...
when i opened my reader this morning imagine my delight when i noticed i was nominated for this award by not one- but two people! it's like you knew i needed a little pick me up! so thank you to the awesome nancy (who if you don't know by now i am actually going to get to visit in real life people!!!!) AND by rocket.queen with her little adorable quin all the way from china
rules:
1- thank the person who nominated you for this award
2- copy the logo and place it on your blog
3- link to the person who nominated you for this award
4- name 7 things about yourself that people may not know
5- nominate 7 kreativ bloggers
6-post links to the 7 blogs you nominate
7- leave a comment on each
i think finding 7 things i haven't already shared is going to be tough! here goes my best shot- i am far too lazy to look back & see if i am repeating things!
1- i am uber strange when it comes to food. textures & strong spices trigger some weird response in me to just not like something. if i can get over it & try it- i actually find that i like a lot of different foods, but getting over it & just trying a bite of food is one of the most challenging things i can do. i do blame my parents on this one as i apparently loved all kinds of food before i was 18 months old & they let my pickiness go. can you believe i first tried mac-n-cheese on my 18th birthday? yup. i was scared to try that! and tomatoes freak me out, but i love tomato sauce & pizza- even tomato pie (the northeast version which is basically a thick crust sicilian pizza with no cheese, just sauce.)
2-i am addicted to reality tv shows that showcase a talent in some way- think pr.oject run.way, top ch.ef, hel.l's kit.chen (pretty much anything gordon's in is good in my book- right nancy?!). i even got into the one about the hairstylists! but i can't stand the inte.rior design one mainly because i don't see a lot of what i do in it. it's more about buying furniture & decorating a room than actually designing the space & that annoys me.
3-i can spend hours in malls just to kill time & not buy a single thing. growing up that's what the women in my family did for bonding, but due to my parent's inclination to hoarding- i debate purchases to death & usually end up deciding i don't need something as i really really don't want to end up like them in a house filled with shit i don't need & never use.
4- i love to cut & color my hair. i do it all myself & i have a regular bunch of 'customers' that i will cut their hair too. in fact- my original customer- a good college friend- 'cheated' on me & got her hair cut at a great little salon. when she went in the stylist/owner asked her where she got her hair cut before that one. when she said her interior designer friend did it- the owner told her that i could have a job there any day. i am actually tempted at the moment, but i think with no training at all it may be a little harder than just that! (i am however- thinking very hard about going red...)
5- i love to crotchet & would really like to learn how to knit since you are pretty limited in crotchet to what you can make (at least with the 1 stitch i know how to do!) but i can't understand the instructions at all. it literally looks like another language & my brain hurts when i see it. so i am stuck making hats, scarves, blankets & the occasional little sweater or shirt type thing that i make up how to do it myself. but my favorite part is shopping for the yarn- i can spend hours in the aisle just picking out a couple skeins.
6- i never missed a day of school until my junior year of high school. i was the dork that was called up at assemblies for the perfect attendance award every year. then by my senior year i was dating the hub & had friends who were little hoodlums (bringing liquor into school in thermos bottles, smoking everything in the bathrooms, ditching classes to watch cartoons & get stoned, piercing body parts in the bathrooms, etc) and i made friends with the security guards who i saw out & about at parties with the hubs friends since it was a very small town & they were only a few years older than the hub who's a few years older than me. i got out of a lot of classes with simply a cherry slushy & a jedi 'you see nothing' wave. of course- my gpa dropped me down from high a to low b/c...
7- which leads me to- i flunked out of a semester of community college. i was going to be an actress & things weren't working out with that, or my crappy roommate who i lived with in her dad's house. she did lots of drugs (which i knew about some- but not the coke habit that made her steal my rent money from her dad which i stupidly left as cash in a cupboard) and had lots of guys over all the time. i kept myself separate as i could from that, but being young & easily influenced i did drink & smoke a lot. i was also working pretty much full time & going to classes- well, the going to classes part kind of dropped off- hence the flunking. i wisely decided to move out after finding out i had failed everything & took a semester off. i lived with the hub (for the first time) and the night i left the roommate told me how she was pretty in to me & always wanted to ask me out after i broke up with loser before the hub & before i met the hub. i was slightly flattered (it's always nice to know someone thinks you're hot!) but mainly creeped out after she slashed the hub's tires & tried to frame him for a break in at the house we had lived at together. it was a weird & crazy time, but it helped me to realize i wanted something different & better in my life and forced me to focus. i came down here to go to a great school for interior design & regained my dork status by being on the dean's list every semester. i was actually pissed i didn't get the 'highest gpa' award at graduation as i was off by.01 point & the girl who got it was the biggest kiss-ass.
i guess that last one was really a whole bunch of stuff shoved into one- if there was room for a #8 it would be that i tend to go off on tangents a lot, but i think that's already pretty evident!
i would like to nominate:
jewels (even though i know she's been tagged already!)
umm- anyone else who happens to read this & wants to share. just let me know if you do it because i'd love to learn more!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
so much better
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
not like it used to be
yesterday was our annual block party. it was a gorgeous day & a great time, even though pretty much no one came! we have so much leftover food & beer it's insane!
i realize this morning that i can not hang like i used to. i cheated at flip cup at my neighbors house by not drinking. even so- cheap beer went down pretty easy after pumpkin was off to bed & i decided that i really should get back on the sexual wagon before she's 6 months old. that meant i had to be good & drunk. not stumbling down passing out drunk, but enough that i could get past the mental block that 3 hours of pushing & this week's episode have induced in me.
so i did. we did. not great, but i wasn't expecting anything at all after nearly 10 months of abstinence (yes- that's right... 10 months. i was cut off after our 'big' ultrasound at 19 weeks) i really just wanted to get it over with so i could stop thinking about it. i know lactating mothers can have a reduced drive, and i definitely do. but the poor hub has been very patient with me- although i was a saint during the second half of the pregnancy when i fell into the other statistic of pregnant women getting even hornier! so- didn't see any stars, but other than a little sting at first- didn't hurt. just glad it's over with!
now if i can just remember to not drink more than 2 beers again (yup- got drunk off 3!) i can avoid the very annoying hell that is caring for a baby while hungover.
i realize this morning that i can not hang like i used to. i cheated at flip cup at my neighbors house by not drinking. even so- cheap beer went down pretty easy after pumpkin was off to bed & i decided that i really should get back on the sexual wagon before she's 6 months old. that meant i had to be good & drunk. not stumbling down passing out drunk, but enough that i could get past the mental block that 3 hours of pushing & this week's episode have induced in me.
so i did. we did. not great, but i wasn't expecting anything at all after nearly 10 months of abstinence (yes- that's right... 10 months. i was cut off after our 'big' ultrasound at 19 weeks) i really just wanted to get it over with so i could stop thinking about it. i know lactating mothers can have a reduced drive, and i definitely do. but the poor hub has been very patient with me- although i was a saint during the second half of the pregnancy when i fell into the other statistic of pregnant women getting even hornier! so- didn't see any stars, but other than a little sting at first- didn't hurt. just glad it's over with!
now if i can just remember to not drink more than 2 beers again (yup- got drunk off 3!) i can avoid the very annoying hell that is caring for a baby while hungover.
Friday, September 18, 2009
bang bang
a quick post as i am actually surprisingly super busy
-i'm going to visit nancy!!!!! the pumpkin & i can't wait & even the hub is jealous! (he was actually invited too, but we just can't afford for him to go also... poor baby. don't feel too bad though- he was in a band & has already been to 46 or 47 states & most major cities)
-she's officially mobile. not crawling on hands & knees mobile- but can army crawl wherever she wants to go. and she wants the wires by the computer & tv more than anything!
-the hub actually planned something for my birthday! of course- with some recent developments we are maybe going to go halvsies (or 60/40) on it as a joint birthday present/christmas present/vacation thing, but he has actually done all the planning. this is huge & it's exactly what i wanted & then some. oh- and apparently there is some surprise when we get there for me- i can't wait for that either!
-we need a new hot water heater. looks like my rainy day fund that i have obstinately held on to for over 6 months now is about to go away... oh safety net- i will miss you so.
i am of course a little bit freaked out about money, but seeing as i have somehow managed to be unemployed (and basically unpaid) for almost 6 months straight without racking up any credit cards (like- at. all.) i am trying not to be overly concerned. i could do without paying for my birthday present... but i actually have a little extra this month somehow that can be worked in. my trip in november is my christmas present to myself (and the pumpkin) and we are staying home through the holidays. she doesn't need anything & while we will probably have a few things for her to unwrap- i know it's more about us at this point & she will like the wrapping paper & boxes more than any present right now anyway.
i will be gone until tuesday- not traveling anywhere but we have our annual block party tomorrow, family coming maybe sunday & 2 friends to see monday. busy days, but i am really glad i have so much to look forward to!
-i'm going to visit nancy!!!!! the pumpkin & i can't wait & even the hub is jealous! (he was actually invited too, but we just can't afford for him to go also... poor baby. don't feel too bad though- he was in a band & has already been to 46 or 47 states & most major cities)
-she's officially mobile. not crawling on hands & knees mobile- but can army crawl wherever she wants to go. and she wants the wires by the computer & tv more than anything!
-the hub actually planned something for my birthday! of course- with some recent developments we are maybe going to go halvsies (or 60/40) on it as a joint birthday present/christmas present/vacation thing, but he has actually done all the planning. this is huge & it's exactly what i wanted & then some. oh- and apparently there is some surprise when we get there for me- i can't wait for that either!
-we need a new hot water heater. looks like my rainy day fund that i have obstinately held on to for over 6 months now is about to go away... oh safety net- i will miss you so.
i am of course a little bit freaked out about money, but seeing as i have somehow managed to be unemployed (and basically unpaid) for almost 6 months straight without racking up any credit cards (like- at. all.) i am trying not to be overly concerned. i could do without paying for my birthday present... but i actually have a little extra this month somehow that can be worked in. my trip in november is my christmas present to myself (and the pumpkin) and we are staying home through the holidays. she doesn't need anything & while we will probably have a few things for her to unwrap- i know it's more about us at this point & she will like the wrapping paper & boxes more than any present right now anyway.
i will be gone until tuesday- not traveling anywhere but we have our annual block party tomorrow, family coming maybe sunday & 2 friends to see monday. busy days, but i am really glad i have so much to look forward to!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
mirrors are bad
so- this will be a very embarrassing little post full of way too much info about me. fair warning!
i am a quirky girl & there are many things i do that when i think about telling someone, i think- that might be weird- how do i even explain that? this is one of them. last night i was sitting on the toilet (no- not actively doing anything, just peed) & i was plucking my eyebrows. i come from mega hairy stock & the plucking is pretty much a daily to every other day event. the weird thing is that i find it relaxing... don't judge! it's 5 minutes i can sneak to myself. is that sad or what?
okay- so i am sitting on the toilet plucking & i get curious. what does it all look like...there? so i look. now- a- i am still sitting on the toilet- so there's a weird angle. and b- i am using a freaking magnifying mirror as that is all i have. so i see some weird looking shit. and i think to myself- hmm, that's funny. usually i can only see the one hole, now i see 2. that must mean that this 2nd hole i see is the one that should be tucked up nice & neat & inside, right?! proceed to freakout & consult dr. go.ogle to decide i now have a prolap.sed ute. begin obsessive amount of keg.els & refuse to pick up pumpkin as i cry to the hub about not wanting (or really being able to afford) surgery- however minor.
after searching through the images on google (not a good idea, by the way- there is some nasty nasty shit on that there inter-net!) i go back upstairs at bedtime & decide to check again. do much more thorough investigation & determine that something is really really off as the good ole cervix is still right where i remember leaving it. now am very confused & get all up in there with the (magnifying) mirror. i have now determined that what i thought was definitely a prolapsed ute is most definitely not & is merely the ure.thra nicely stretched down & now visible due to my recent & intense labor & delivery. or it could be totally normal after childbirth to now be able to really see all your bits & pieces. i mean- they do warn you about incontinence, but i guess no one thinks to mention that can get all stretchy too!
i am chalking this up to yet another thing they really should fucking tell you about giving birth because you might just freak out one day when you check things out for yourself.
i am a quirky girl & there are many things i do that when i think about telling someone, i think- that might be weird- how do i even explain that? this is one of them. last night i was sitting on the toilet (no- not actively doing anything, just peed) & i was plucking my eyebrows. i come from mega hairy stock & the plucking is pretty much a daily to every other day event. the weird thing is that i find it relaxing... don't judge! it's 5 minutes i can sneak to myself. is that sad or what?
okay- so i am sitting on the toilet plucking & i get curious. what does it all look like...there? so i look. now- a- i am still sitting on the toilet- so there's a weird angle. and b- i am using a freaking magnifying mirror as that is all i have. so i see some weird looking shit. and i think to myself- hmm, that's funny. usually i can only see the one hole, now i see 2. that must mean that this 2nd hole i see is the one that should be tucked up nice & neat & inside, right?! proceed to freakout & consult dr. go.ogle to decide i now have a prolap.sed ute. begin obsessive amount of keg.els & refuse to pick up pumpkin as i cry to the hub about not wanting (or really being able to afford) surgery- however minor.
after searching through the images on google (not a good idea, by the way- there is some nasty nasty shit on that there inter-net!) i go back upstairs at bedtime & decide to check again. do much more thorough investigation & determine that something is really really off as the good ole cervix is still right where i remember leaving it. now am very confused & get all up in there with the (magnifying) mirror. i have now determined that what i thought was definitely a prolapsed ute is most definitely not & is merely the ure.thra nicely stretched down & now visible due to my recent & intense labor & delivery. or it could be totally normal after childbirth to now be able to really see all your bits & pieces. i mean- they do warn you about incontinence, but i guess no one thinks to mention that can get all stretchy too!
i am chalking this up to yet another thing they really should fucking tell you about giving birth because you might just freak out one day when you check things out for yourself.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
25 firsts
taken from nancy
"25 Firsts"
1. Who was your first prom date?
the hub. only ever went to one prom & he was my date. we have been together for 14 years. go figure!
2. Do you still talk to your first love?
every day.
3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
probably champagne at new years or something like that at a family function- just a taste. first time i got drunk though- drinking crappy beer (schlitt's or mgd) & then did 3 double shots of soco in 15 minutes right before i left. the hub was not impressed that night. i was probably all of 18 too...
4. What was your first job?
cashier at the salad bar in the mall food court.
5. What was your first car?
saturn sl2. i was pissed because i could have gotten a free ghetto sled, but my parents insisted on something with seat belts & an airbag after i totalled their van (not my fault!). this is what they picked out & it was standard- which i couldn't drive & thought i would never be able to & would hate it. now i don't buy anything automatic!
6. Who was the first person to text you today?
my neighbor asking about a free concert in the park this week
7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
pumpkin- she woke up at 4:30am, but went to sleep at 8:45 last night, so 8 hours was pretty good for me.
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
miss rice. i think... bad early childhood memory (not that i had bad experiences- i just have no memories of early childhood.
9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?
san francisco as an infant
10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
lorraine g. we are facebo.ok friends, but not really. we started to grow apart in high school, which makes me sad now.
11. Where was your first sleepover?
probably lorraine's
12. Who was the first person you talked to today?
the hub- he rolled over at 4:30 to tell me pumpkin was crying- i was so zonked i didn't even hear her! then at 8 am when she got up for real we both talked to her & each other.
13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
my cousin's- come to think of it- that's the only wedding i've been in other than my own. my sister had a courthouse wedding & my best friend isn't married yet.
14. What was the first thing you did this morning?
fed caiden
15. What was the first concert you went to?
bush with no doubt
16. First tattoo?
heh- 'tramp stamp' lower back celtic knot in a sun on my 18th birthday...
17. First piercing?
after 10 holes in my ears (mostly done myself, such a badass, right?!) got the bellybutton, then tongue. still have bellybutton- but the tongue only lasted a few months.
18. First foreign country you went to?
ireland at 19
19. First movie you remember seeing?
don't remember any (see #8), but i know it was cinderella.
20. What state did you first live in?
ny
21. Who was your first room mate?
ursula. she had a bad coke habit & a massive crush on me. both of which i didn't know until after i moved out & she slashed the hub's tires. i was oddly naive as a teen/young adult.
22. When was your first detention?
i think it was 3rd grade for writing on a bully's jacket. he totally deserved, but i really don't think i had another one after that. i was a pretty good kid & when i did do bad things, i didn't get caught at school.
24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?
to play guitar. the hub was in band's & could teach me, if we had the time & some 3rd party conflict resolution! (i am not the best at taking his directions, not sure it's all my fault either!)
25. Who will be the next person to post this?
no idea! but like nancy said- let me know if you do!
"25 Firsts"
1. Who was your first prom date?
the hub. only ever went to one prom & he was my date. we have been together for 14 years. go figure!
2. Do you still talk to your first love?
every day.
3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
probably champagne at new years or something like that at a family function- just a taste. first time i got drunk though- drinking crappy beer (schlitt's or mgd) & then did 3 double shots of soco in 15 minutes right before i left. the hub was not impressed that night. i was probably all of 18 too...
4. What was your first job?
cashier at the salad bar in the mall food court.
5. What was your first car?
saturn sl2. i was pissed because i could have gotten a free ghetto sled, but my parents insisted on something with seat belts & an airbag after i totalled their van (not my fault!). this is what they picked out & it was standard- which i couldn't drive & thought i would never be able to & would hate it. now i don't buy anything automatic!
6. Who was the first person to text you today?
my neighbor asking about a free concert in the park this week
7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
pumpkin- she woke up at 4:30am, but went to sleep at 8:45 last night, so 8 hours was pretty good for me.
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
miss rice. i think... bad early childhood memory (not that i had bad experiences- i just have no memories of early childhood.
9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?
san francisco as an infant
10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
lorraine g. we are facebo.ok friends, but not really. we started to grow apart in high school, which makes me sad now.
11. Where was your first sleepover?
probably lorraine's
12. Who was the first person you talked to today?
the hub- he rolled over at 4:30 to tell me pumpkin was crying- i was so zonked i didn't even hear her! then at 8 am when she got up for real we both talked to her & each other.
13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
my cousin's- come to think of it- that's the only wedding i've been in other than my own. my sister had a courthouse wedding & my best friend isn't married yet.
14. What was the first thing you did this morning?
fed caiden
15. What was the first concert you went to?
bush with no doubt
16. First tattoo?
heh- 'tramp stamp' lower back celtic knot in a sun on my 18th birthday...
17. First piercing?
after 10 holes in my ears (mostly done myself, such a badass, right?!) got the bellybutton, then tongue. still have bellybutton- but the tongue only lasted a few months.
18. First foreign country you went to?
ireland at 19
19. First movie you remember seeing?
don't remember any (see #8), but i know it was cinderella.
20. What state did you first live in?
ny
21. Who was your first room mate?
ursula. she had a bad coke habit & a massive crush on me. both of which i didn't know until after i moved out & she slashed the hub's tires. i was oddly naive as a teen/young adult.
22. When was your first detention?
i think it was 3rd grade for writing on a bully's jacket. he totally deserved, but i really don't think i had another one after that. i was a pretty good kid & when i did do bad things, i didn't get caught at school.
24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?
to play guitar. the hub was in band's & could teach me, if we had the time & some 3rd party conflict resolution! (i am not the best at taking his directions, not sure it's all my fault either!)
25. Who will be the next person to post this?
no idea! but like nancy said- let me know if you do!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
400
i have been thinking a lot about what to write for my 400th post. it seems insane that i would have had that much to say that i even hit 400 posts. i realize the majority of my posts lately are of a quick pumpkin update variety & not really thought provoking in the slightest. then again- i have never really been a 'thought-provoking' type of blog. but a lot is going on in this mixed up little head of mine right now. (and yes- i apparently have a smallish head. at least according to my sis & the hub- who in my opinion have freakishly large heads without looking like they have big heads at all, so their opinion doesn't hold much weight for me!)
-being able to nurse (almost) exclusively & not worry about bottles at all.
-that the more i get to know her & what she needs & wants- the better a baby she seems to be.
-the freedom from deadlines & not having to deal with traffic.
-being able to take a walk on a gorgeous day & clean my house & still have energy to go out.
-that the hub & i are here to enjoy & shape our daughter's days.
-not having to worry about finding child care & then worrying about the quality of said care as more & more horrendous stories have been on my local news on disgusting excuses for human beings that were entrusted with children's lives.
- sleeping "in" until 7 or 8 am.
-having the option to take a nap when pumpkin does, even if i almost never actually do it.
-getting a chance to explore my city more during the day when things are cheaper & less crowded.
-being able to shout out the back window that i need help from the hub & he can take a break & do it. without this i have no idea when i'd actually shower some days...
there are, however, many things about not working that i absolutely hate. such as:
-the financial strain & worry. while we aren't getting anything shut off or deciding between mortgage & food or anything- there are still many many things we just can't afford & many tough decisions i have to make. i hate that i have to budget a meal out- and i mean at a diner or a fast food place- no restaurants for us right now. a lot of my stress (well- most of it really) comes from money concerns & i hate that. i want to be able to get a babysitter & go out for a dinner & a movie with the hub. i want to be able to buy the completely frivolous vans i saw for the pumpkin despite the fact she doesn't need (or fit into!) shoes. i want a massage dammit! but more than that- i need to get my savings back & that needs to be 6 months worth. without 2 jobs & some cheap childcare i just don't know how we'll do it right now.
-not flexing my 'creative muscles'. i miss the feeling of doing my job. i really loved it. especially when i figured something out or put together a concept that went over well- that feeling is amazing & i miss it.
-not being at my job. i miss the people. i miss the environment. as much as i hate how i was laid off- i can understand it. i don't agree with it & i wish it had been done differently- but i can understand. and hearing what i do about the firm & the people still there i do believe that they do want to be able to hire me back- i just don't know when. i doubt they do either. but i do miss them.
-the uncertainty. the not knowing if i will go back period, much less having a timeline for it. there's a big ticking clock that is my unemployment & while i do continuously look for other jobs- the finding them is proving near impossible. i saw one on monday & before i could even get together my resume & some portfolio stuff (which i really do need to update again!) it was gone. that was wednesday! the pool of out of work designers in this city is huge & the number of jobs posted is pitifully small. in the past 3-ish months i have only even seen that 1 this week. i would feel better if the hub could finally find a job- but he needs to spend some moo-lah to get one as there's still a few things he was working towards getting when he was laid off that we just can't afford to get him now (certifications, licenses & such). without these his prospects are also slim to none for a decent job in his field. we are operating basically without any safety net here & it scares the everliving crap out of me.
-being on 24/7. i am always 'mommy'. the times when i am 'jenn' are few & far between. being on call all day every day is draining. as much as i love her- there are times when i just need a break to be me. usually i am able to just let her have some daddy time & walk away for a minute, but i am finding it tough. i haven't gone out without her. i haven't just hung out with friends sans bebe. i miss that. as much as i enjoy & cherish that i can spend my days with this precious babe, i need some time to unwind & just be myself. i get it a little on the days i volunteer for my acupuncturist, but it would be nice to go out just for me.
the more i have time to reflect, the more i am aware how motherhood & recent events have changed me. i feel both more secure in who i am and more unstable in the world around me. i am confident that we can weather the rocky times, but fearful of what else is brewing. i am more in love with the hub, yet find myself wondering if we ever really will be intimate again. (short story- pushing from -1 station really sucks for your future love life). i love being a sahm, but i wonder if that's only because i know it's a temporary situation. would i be as thrilled if this was my entire future? would i miss the me that includes working & creating? or would i eventually find another way to satisfy that side? there were so many decisions swirling around in my mind earlier due to possible developments at more (former) job. since i am so very type a with the planning of things i was obsessing over all possible outcomes & decisions to be made. and i freaked out. i don't feel ready to make these decisions & it appears that the life around me is making it for me. all decisions are pretty moot at this point as i couldn't work (in my field) if i wanted to. and i do want to- i think... just not this second. maybe. obviously once the decision needs to be made it will prove a tough one for me!
*updated- i just wanted to add that nancy's comment had a really good point- the things i am loving about being a sahm (even if it is only temporarily) are still very possible to have as a working mom. i am just working through what had me freaking out at the mere thought of a possibility of going back to work. and while some things -napping & not worrying about pumping- would go away, i would certainly work with what i have to make sure we all get exactly what we need. it's just that the more time goes on, the more i am questioning what that is for me... no decisions being made, just a couple questions being asked.
i also just wanted to make sure i was very clear that this is in no way a debate on being a sahm vs working, i am really just trying to work out my own thoughts in my particular situation. everyone has to do what's best for them & i definitely don't mean to offend either side by being pro-anything! (not that i think i offended, just wanted to make it super clear, especially in light of certain recent posts i have seen about clarity in blog writing)
anyway- i honestly can not imagine having a job right now. this is what has been screaming around my head lately. i am enjoying being home with the pumpkin very much. i love so many things about being home with her:
-being able to make her baby food for her to try & to know her schedule & see her developing daily.-being able to nurse (almost) exclusively & not worry about bottles at all.
-that the more i get to know her & what she needs & wants- the better a baby she seems to be.
-the freedom from deadlines & not having to deal with traffic.
-being able to take a walk on a gorgeous day & clean my house & still have energy to go out.
-that the hub & i are here to enjoy & shape our daughter's days.
-not having to worry about finding child care & then worrying about the quality of said care as more & more horrendous stories have been on my local news on disgusting excuses for human beings that were entrusted with children's lives.
- sleeping "in" until 7 or 8 am.
-having the option to take a nap when pumpkin does, even if i almost never actually do it.
-getting a chance to explore my city more during the day when things are cheaper & less crowded.
-being able to shout out the back window that i need help from the hub & he can take a break & do it. without this i have no idea when i'd actually shower some days...
there are, however, many things about not working that i absolutely hate. such as:
-the financial strain & worry. while we aren't getting anything shut off or deciding between mortgage & food or anything- there are still many many things we just can't afford & many tough decisions i have to make. i hate that i have to budget a meal out- and i mean at a diner or a fast food place- no restaurants for us right now. a lot of my stress (well- most of it really) comes from money concerns & i hate that. i want to be able to get a babysitter & go out for a dinner & a movie with the hub. i want to be able to buy the completely frivolous vans i saw for the pumpkin despite the fact she doesn't need (or fit into!) shoes. i want a massage dammit! but more than that- i need to get my savings back & that needs to be 6 months worth. without 2 jobs & some cheap childcare i just don't know how we'll do it right now.
-not flexing my 'creative muscles'. i miss the feeling of doing my job. i really loved it. especially when i figured something out or put together a concept that went over well- that feeling is amazing & i miss it.
-not being at my job. i miss the people. i miss the environment. as much as i hate how i was laid off- i can understand it. i don't agree with it & i wish it had been done differently- but i can understand. and hearing what i do about the firm & the people still there i do believe that they do want to be able to hire me back- i just don't know when. i doubt they do either. but i do miss them.
-the uncertainty. the not knowing if i will go back period, much less having a timeline for it. there's a big ticking clock that is my unemployment & while i do continuously look for other jobs- the finding them is proving near impossible. i saw one on monday & before i could even get together my resume & some portfolio stuff (which i really do need to update again!) it was gone. that was wednesday! the pool of out of work designers in this city is huge & the number of jobs posted is pitifully small. in the past 3-ish months i have only even seen that 1 this week. i would feel better if the hub could finally find a job- but he needs to spend some moo-lah to get one as there's still a few things he was working towards getting when he was laid off that we just can't afford to get him now (certifications, licenses & such). without these his prospects are also slim to none for a decent job in his field. we are operating basically without any safety net here & it scares the everliving crap out of me.
-being on 24/7. i am always 'mommy'. the times when i am 'jenn' are few & far between. being on call all day every day is draining. as much as i love her- there are times when i just need a break to be me. usually i am able to just let her have some daddy time & walk away for a minute, but i am finding it tough. i haven't gone out without her. i haven't just hung out with friends sans bebe. i miss that. as much as i enjoy & cherish that i can spend my days with this precious babe, i need some time to unwind & just be myself. i get it a little on the days i volunteer for my acupuncturist, but it would be nice to go out just for me.
the more i have time to reflect, the more i am aware how motherhood & recent events have changed me. i feel both more secure in who i am and more unstable in the world around me. i am confident that we can weather the rocky times, but fearful of what else is brewing. i am more in love with the hub, yet find myself wondering if we ever really will be intimate again. (short story- pushing from -1 station really sucks for your future love life). i love being a sahm, but i wonder if that's only because i know it's a temporary situation. would i be as thrilled if this was my entire future? would i miss the me that includes working & creating? or would i eventually find another way to satisfy that side? there were so many decisions swirling around in my mind earlier due to possible developments at more (former) job. since i am so very type a with the planning of things i was obsessing over all possible outcomes & decisions to be made. and i freaked out. i don't feel ready to make these decisions & it appears that the life around me is making it for me. all decisions are pretty moot at this point as i couldn't work (in my field) if i wanted to. and i do want to- i think... just not this second. maybe. obviously once the decision needs to be made it will prove a tough one for me!
*updated- i just wanted to add that nancy's comment had a really good point- the things i am loving about being a sahm (even if it is only temporarily) are still very possible to have as a working mom. i am just working through what had me freaking out at the mere thought of a possibility of going back to work. and while some things -napping & not worrying about pumping- would go away, i would certainly work with what i have to make sure we all get exactly what we need. it's just that the more time goes on, the more i am questioning what that is for me... no decisions being made, just a couple questions being asked.
i also just wanted to make sure i was very clear that this is in no way a debate on being a sahm vs working, i am really just trying to work out my own thoughts in my particular situation. everyone has to do what's best for them & i definitely don't mean to offend either side by being pro-anything! (not that i think i offended, just wanted to make it super clear, especially in light of certain recent posts i have seen about clarity in blog writing)
Monday, September 7, 2009
going overboard
i take a ton of pictures lately- obviously they are pretty much all of my favorite subject. i would like to get back into taking more photos, well- more technically good (or decent) photos. but capturing my child- while very rewarding for me- is not so easy with my very basic decent digital. the kiddo is quick & wiggly & that makes for either having to use the flash 90% of the time or a blurry photo. the flash sucks. i hate photos with that washed out too bright flash look, but there is really no other way to get her when she's moving & grooving in my house since i have crap lighting. (yeah- i am a designer & should have awesome lighting, but unfortunately my old ass house has no overhead lighting wired into the first floor & it's too much to add it right now...) so anyway- here's a few pictures from my in-laws house where the lighting is actually pretty darn good.
starting her roll:
digging her new alphabet saying, singing, caterpillar thingy:
my favorites- a little series from our rest stop:
starting her roll:
digging her new alphabet saying, singing, caterpillar thingy:
my favorites- a little series from our rest stop:
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
on the road. again.
tomorrow we are off to visit the in-laws. thanks to a generous donation on their part (or a short term loan- not sure yet...) we can actually afford to go up there now. i'm not looking forward to the traffic through nyc, or in general- it being the last holiday weekend & all. but it must be done. after this though- no more traveling for the rest of the year, haha! i am also not looking forward to her being off her schedule- i am a zombie for a few days as she readjusts.
speaking of which- she was up at 10:30 last night, just crying & so fussy. we both tried everything to soothe her & finally i just nursed & rocked her back down. then she was up every 4 hours & up for good around 8am- an hour earlier than usual. i think it's teething again as her little buds are back & she's chomping on everything. we still stick with our usual bedtime routine & she still does go back down very easily, but she's quicker/easier to wake the past few days. she has now been napping for an hour and a half & thankfully is starting to stir. i want her to get good naps during the day, but not sleep so much that she takes it out of the nighttime. such a fine line to walk!
i do still have it pretty good though- far better than i ever hoped for- a 5 month old that typically sleeps for more than 6 hours at a clip & goes right back to sleep at night without having to be rocked & walked for minutes, much less hours? i'll take it! but it does really show me sometimes how quickly we adapt that when she gets up every 4 hours for about 10 minutes, i complain (the nerve!) i was liking getting some good sleep- but she is still better than a lot of the sleep horror stories i hear. i think we just need to stay consistent & weather these little bumps (haha- get it- like her little teeth bumps... ok, i'll stop now)
i hope everyone has a lovely holiday weekend & gets to bbq or grill or whatever you enjoy to relax!
oh- yeah- i am quickly approaching my 400th post. dang- that snuck up on me!
speaking of which- she was up at 10:30 last night, just crying & so fussy. we both tried everything to soothe her & finally i just nursed & rocked her back down. then she was up every 4 hours & up for good around 8am- an hour earlier than usual. i think it's teething again as her little buds are back & she's chomping on everything. we still stick with our usual bedtime routine & she still does go back down very easily, but she's quicker/easier to wake the past few days. she has now been napping for an hour and a half & thankfully is starting to stir. i want her to get good naps during the day, but not sleep so much that she takes it out of the nighttime. such a fine line to walk!
i do still have it pretty good though- far better than i ever hoped for- a 5 month old that typically sleeps for more than 6 hours at a clip & goes right back to sleep at night without having to be rocked & walked for minutes, much less hours? i'll take it! but it does really show me sometimes how quickly we adapt that when she gets up every 4 hours for about 10 minutes, i complain (the nerve!) i was liking getting some good sleep- but she is still better than a lot of the sleep horror stories i hear. i think we just need to stay consistent & weather these little bumps (haha- get it- like her little teeth bumps... ok, i'll stop now)
i hope everyone has a lovely holiday weekend & gets to bbq or grill or whatever you enjoy to relax!
oh- yeah- i am quickly approaching my 400th post. dang- that snuck up on me!
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