I am thinking back tonight. I am remembering the past 2 years and moments from them like bright flashes that flare up in an instant out of nowhere. Tiny match flares that spark a fire of memory.
I am knitting a baby blanket. It is special As all are. It is for a new life cherished and beloved although not yet out breathing air among us. It is my best friends baby. A rainbow baby (I have just heard that term and love it). A little boy blessed with 2 amazing parents and an angel sister. Knitting his blanket is physically different than any other blanket I've knitted. It is black. It is bold. It will have a Batman insignia on it. Because this kid is genetically destined to be as fearless and cool as batman. He has a roller derby mom and a mountain man dad. His big sister defied every odd to breathe for an hour and spread hope joy and love in her short short life.
I can't help but think of the last blanket I was making for my friend. I started it in February. It was cold and grey then too. But that blanket was bright and pink and happy and lacy. It was girly and pretty. It was bold and happy. I brought it with me as I left for a business trip lasting 4 days. I think I saw a Facebook post or a text right before boarding that stopped me cold. I prayed and knitted the whole flight. I finally was able to talk with her at my first destination. She had pre eclampsia. She was hospitalized. The baby was measuring a week or more behind. I had read enough and researched enough in my IF history (as well as being induced for the same disease myself) to be terrified for her. She wasn't even 24 weeks. It was far too soon. Please let them be ok I begged over and over as my fingers somehow remembered the pattern growing the blanket from a few rows to inches.
Landing in the city of flashing lights and gambling and non stop excitement and I just kept checking for updates. She was being induced. Labor was not kind. Hours passed. Prep for c section. And silence. The heartbreaking text I can't even imagine a father having the strength to write. And me on the other side of the country just wishing I could be there for them.
That blanket became a shrug. A shawl with arms to hold my friend and keep a piece of her daughter. She wore it the day of her memorial. The only stipulation was to wear bright colors. No somber black. The blanket was to be bright pink. The shawl matched her dress perfectly.
This blanket is different. This baby different. I know my friend is comparing too. Analyzing every week. Every scan. Every movement and change in her body. Hoping it is different this time. This blanket is very different. Yet the love I feel for her, for them, is the same. Pink and black. Black for batman's strength. Pink for the love and hope. Intertwined and separate. I am also looking at the same work trip this year. But it falls right around her carefully planned delivery. And I hope to have this blanket done before then so as to not tempt comparison anymore.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
tempering
In order to strengthen steel it is placed into a red hot fire to burn off impurities and change the makeup of the atoms. Rearranging them into something stronger, harder and tougher.
I feel like this past year (& even now) I am going through a similar process. Life is not being overall kind and certainly not easy these days or recent days or the last 365-380...
Between the tragedies of death - both sudden and expected but none easier - and the massive shift of location and makeup of our family- we would have been covered. But in addition to that throw in a promotion and adjustment to a whole new department in my job in a new city in a very different part of the country. New friends and responsibilities. Two children in very challenging stages in their lives. A slightly to semi - broken hub and mother in law both struggling with enormous and unresolved relationship history as we all try to live together. All of this is challenge enough for a year.
Now throw in construction. Disruption. Inconvenience. Now you are testing with fire.
And for good measure let's now have a crazy neighbor. Like he calls the cops on a children's pool party and clear cut all the branches of your tree that hang over his property line crazy. And that was a few years ago. Now he messes with fences and diverts water onto others property. He berates neighbors and anyone who works on his property. He is belligerent and unstable. After not quite 9 months I am now looking at restraining orders and options due to a harassing and threatening phone call at my job. And we are not alone. Now he has apparently taken to photographing the neighborhood children instead of just staring at them. And my kiddos are next door.
So there is my fire. My furnace. My hardening trials that will turn me strong. I only hope that I am not sharp and brittle at the end of this. I hope the fire burns away the impurities and makes me more myself I hope beyond hope that my little family (now a little bigger) gets through all this in one piece and stronger and better on the other side. That we are whole and happy. That my children are safe and my husband and I are happy again- not happy moments happy, but 'wish I knew their secret' happy.
I feel like this past year (& even now) I am going through a similar process. Life is not being overall kind and certainly not easy these days or recent days or the last 365-380...
Between the tragedies of death - both sudden and expected but none easier - and the massive shift of location and makeup of our family- we would have been covered. But in addition to that throw in a promotion and adjustment to a whole new department in my job in a new city in a very different part of the country. New friends and responsibilities. Two children in very challenging stages in their lives. A slightly to semi - broken hub and mother in law both struggling with enormous and unresolved relationship history as we all try to live together. All of this is challenge enough for a year.
Now throw in construction. Disruption. Inconvenience. Now you are testing with fire.
And for good measure let's now have a crazy neighbor. Like he calls the cops on a children's pool party and clear cut all the branches of your tree that hang over his property line crazy. And that was a few years ago. Now he messes with fences and diverts water onto others property. He berates neighbors and anyone who works on his property. He is belligerent and unstable. After not quite 9 months I am now looking at restraining orders and options due to a harassing and threatening phone call at my job. And we are not alone. Now he has apparently taken to photographing the neighborhood children instead of just staring at them. And my kiddos are next door.
So there is my fire. My furnace. My hardening trials that will turn me strong. I only hope that I am not sharp and brittle at the end of this. I hope the fire burns away the impurities and makes me more myself I hope beyond hope that my little family (now a little bigger) gets through all this in one piece and stronger and better on the other side. That we are whole and happy. That my children are safe and my husband and I are happy again- not happy moments happy, but 'wish I knew their secret' happy.
Friday, January 10, 2014
helps needed
My sweet sister needs help. Help I can't give because of proximity and experience. She is experiencing postpartum or something similar. I am always there for her but I can only listen and be sympathetic. I can't actually help or offer a been there this is what I did or felt. I have never experienced wishing I didn't have my children. And I am not sure how to help her. So I offered to find her support that had been there and this is my first step. Who should she read to see and understand she isn't alone? Where do I steer her? Any suggestions are appreciated. I need to make sure my family is ok. After this past year I just want everyone I know to be ok. It is a driving force and I will drop everything if my hubby/sister/friend is hurting and raising that flag.
I am not even sure who still comes here but I need some direction. What are good postpartum resources/posts/blogs? Where can I look to help my sister get through the blackness of an infancy she doesn't relish?
I am not even sure who still comes here but I need some direction. What are good postpartum resources/posts/blogs? Where can I look to help my sister get through the blackness of an infancy she doesn't relish?
Thursday, January 9, 2014
sleep less
My sweet little boy is getting up at least twice a night lately. He is fighting sleep in the worst way. Last week it was begging for more 'huds & tisses' which sounds adorable until you've been going back in for nearly an hour. Thankfully that has shifted but this week it's changing pj's 3 before finally going to bed.
After he finally stays in his room and goes to sleep he is up between 2-3 then again between 5:30-6:30. He has been soaking through his diaper and pj's once a night. I am at a loss.
What's left of my brain tells me that he is growing and learning and doesn't want to stop. He is saying more every single day and putting sentences together. He did the alphabet today and loves to put things together. I understand that it's hard to turn that off. Plus the fact that I work all day and he misses the cuddle time means he gets up to come in my room and try to sneak into bed with us. I usually wake up to return him. Which is ultimately good for both his sleep habits and my marriage as the hub does not enjoy the children kicking him all night. It is not good for my day to day.
Add to all this work crazies (mainly good but still hard and stressful) and my hip is acting up again. I have a labral tear and every few years it acts up. It means restless nights as I tried to get into a good position. Actually breaking down and taking advil and trying to rest which just doesn't happen. Especially when I do relax enough to sleep I am woken up after only a few hours. My still working portion of my brain tells me this will pass. But I sure hope it's coming quickly.
After he finally stays in his room and goes to sleep he is up between 2-3 then again between 5:30-6:30. He has been soaking through his diaper and pj's once a night. I am at a loss.
What's left of my brain tells me that he is growing and learning and doesn't want to stop. He is saying more every single day and putting sentences together. He did the alphabet today and loves to put things together. I understand that it's hard to turn that off. Plus the fact that I work all day and he misses the cuddle time means he gets up to come in my room and try to sneak into bed with us. I usually wake up to return him. Which is ultimately good for both his sleep habits and my marriage as the hub does not enjoy the children kicking him all night. It is not good for my day to day.
Add to all this work crazies (mainly good but still hard and stressful) and my hip is acting up again. I have a labral tear and every few years it acts up. It means restless nights as I tried to get into a good position. Actually breaking down and taking advil and trying to rest which just doesn't happen. Especially when I do relax enough to sleep I am woken up after only a few hours. My still working portion of my brain tells me this will pass. But I sure hope it's coming quickly.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
mommy fail
I am tired today. The kind of bone tired that starts everyday the boy gets up during the night. Today wasn't terrible but I am sleep deprived for months now. And last night I had added fears of freezing pipes and losing power and heat. Of trees coming down (Although our $3k of tree work in the last 9 months means the house is highly unlikely to be hit) I woke up and coffee wasn't helping much as I made it to work after a slightly fuzzy drive.
I came home to a lovely dinner made by the hub and enjoyed my kiddos a bit before popping on a Netflix so the grownups can watch jeopardy in peace- a normal Tuesday.
Then bedtime came and I just wanted to get it done so I could finish the face warmer mask for the hub. I felt like I failed him a little not getting it done last night so he could use today when he could have really used it. (Turns out he stayed inside today thawing out the walls and more importantly the frozen pipes in them)
Kiddos have been fighting bedtime. The boy gets up a lot and yells for mama, dada, even the dog if it means a few more minutes. It literally takes going in, hugging him tight and telling him to go to sleep and stop yelling and getting up because I'm not coming back in. And I hate saying that. We've had so much loss in a year that I don't ever want to tell him I won't come back. But I am weak and tired and it works so I say it.
And the girl is 4 almost 5 and wants to connect at night since I work all day. She sleeps in (of which I am admittedly jealous) so we don't get much time in the morning. So the after dinner crazy play time then cuddles at bed is about it right now. And tonight after the boy got up again and she went off on yet another tangent to stall me leaving I lost it. I yelled. I stormed out. I quickly changed the boys pj's and probably slammed a door. I threw a cranky overtired temper tantrum. I am not proud of this at all. My effort to be more mindful has backfired into a mess of tears and apologies. I made my girl cry for wanting more of me. Immediately after I did it I apologized and tried to talk it through with her. But it doesn't take it back.
I know it's normal and I know in the long play of life this is a passing vignette that may or may not even be remembered by the kiddos. But I will try to remember this for a long time. I don't claim to even strive to be perfect- I know mistakes get made...but I want to teach my children to be kind and thoughtful and happy and self sufficient and smart and not mess them up too much in the process. I know they will eventually end up emulating me in some way or another and I just hope it is good. So today I need to be mindful of the lessons I teach without meaning to.
I came home to a lovely dinner made by the hub and enjoyed my kiddos a bit before popping on a Netflix so the grownups can watch jeopardy in peace- a normal Tuesday.
Then bedtime came and I just wanted to get it done so I could finish the face warmer mask for the hub. I felt like I failed him a little not getting it done last night so he could use today when he could have really used it. (Turns out he stayed inside today thawing out the walls and more importantly the frozen pipes in them)
Kiddos have been fighting bedtime. The boy gets up a lot and yells for mama, dada, even the dog if it means a few more minutes. It literally takes going in, hugging him tight and telling him to go to sleep and stop yelling and getting up because I'm not coming back in. And I hate saying that. We've had so much loss in a year that I don't ever want to tell him I won't come back. But I am weak and tired and it works so I say it.
And the girl is 4 almost 5 and wants to connect at night since I work all day. She sleeps in (of which I am admittedly jealous) so we don't get much time in the morning. So the after dinner crazy play time then cuddles at bed is about it right now. And tonight after the boy got up again and she went off on yet another tangent to stall me leaving I lost it. I yelled. I stormed out. I quickly changed the boys pj's and probably slammed a door. I threw a cranky overtired temper tantrum. I am not proud of this at all. My effort to be more mindful has backfired into a mess of tears and apologies. I made my girl cry for wanting more of me. Immediately after I did it I apologized and tried to talk it through with her. But it doesn't take it back.
I know it's normal and I know in the long play of life this is a passing vignette that may or may not even be remembered by the kiddos. But I will try to remember this for a long time. I don't claim to even strive to be perfect- I know mistakes get made...but I want to teach my children to be kind and thoughtful and happy and self sufficient and smart and not mess them up too much in the process. I know they will eventually end up emulating me in some way or another and I just hope it is good. So today I need to be mindful of the lessons I teach without meaning to.
Monday, January 6, 2014
So cold
It is currently -7 but feels like -37 here. The hub is planning on going outside for something or other tomorrow and while I could work from home in front of the fire today- 2 days in a row is just not possible.
So my night is going to be long and filled with knitting.
I need to turn this into something useful to protect his handsome face!
So back tomorrow for more substantial posts. Maybe a segue into being a more mindful wife.
So my night is going to be long and filled with knitting.
I need to turn this into something useful to protect his handsome face!
So back tomorrow for more substantial posts. Maybe a segue into being a more mindful wife.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
weighty issues
My last post has me thinking a lot about resolutions and how my word can relate them. I don't know if the traditional list of must Do's for the year are necessary. Because to me mindfulness is a daily striving. Be a more present parent, wife, employee, friend. Stop automatically yelling at the kids for normal kid stuff but think of different tactics to teach and help them grow instead of stifling because its quieter/easier/calmer.
But I am at a minor turning point this year. I say this in all truthfulness not to brag but this is the first year my typical throwaway resolution of lose 10-15 pounds and be healthy is null and void. I did that and more in 2013 (aka the year of crap but highlights of awesome) It was a saving point for me to focus on myself in some ways and move and lose and grow strength I needed to get me through. But now I face a grim reality of the modern age. I have always carried weight. I have rarely looked overweight- even when technically 'obese' but have not been happy with my body for most of my life. Facing infertility does not help this-your body is actively failing you- why bother to treat it nice in return. Then two miracle babies and pregnancies within 2 years along with job moves and stress and suddenly I was back up at the 'bridge' size size i hated being. For full disclosure - since 8th grade I have been a size 8 (good years)to 14 (the really not so good years) on a short short side of average frame. I now work for a plus size retailer and not only embrace but wholly identify with my customer. This isn't about a number but a feeling and there is absolutely no judgement meant on number sizes-which all contributes to the confusion of my internal debate.
This past year I have lost almost 30 pounds. It was long and hard and involved eating right and being aware of it (thanks to a well known paid support service) as well as moving my chunky ass and walk/running on a more regular basis to kick start a metabolism that forgot what work was.
My dilemma is this- I am happy because I am healthy. I feel like a hot lady and a strong capable woman. But my daughter sees this focus on the physical as a natural extension of the weight loss results. At only 4 she is absorbing everything. How do I continue to be proud of being healthy and happy and celebrate my accomplishments (today I fit in a freaking size 2 for the first time in almost 15 years and that is amazing!!!) while at the same time teaching that looks are only as important as you allow them to be. That society has told us things for years that just aren't true. That mommy is happy because I am healthy and feel pretty but feeling pretty being tied to my weight is a lie I was fed and bought into since I was a preteen. That I am trying to be happy that I am strong and healthy and smart instead, but I am conditioned to tie happiness into a size in a pair of jeans and I want so so much more for her. I see her staring at a mirror. I hear her ask if she is pretty. My answer tries always to focus on the inner beauty of her kind heart and smart brain, but the world it does invade so- especially deviously and subtly through the most influential of all...mama.
Friday, January 3, 2014
New words
I have been inspired tonight. My support system is amazing and the latest has me inspired to write again. I have heard of this picking a word for the year (likely the last person to hear this but that wouldn't be the first time) I have been inspired by this.
I have been thinking about resolutions as you do this time of year. Only magnify that by 1000 as I stare down the first Christmas, first New Year, and now looming first anniversaries of the dual deaths that rocked our year. The added pressure of holding a broken family together along with raising your willful children and attempting to foster a thought to yourself is completely overwhelming. So my resolutions have felt as disjointed as I have felt this past year. I know I want an anchor, a grounding point against the storms that have raged against us but I can't put it I a to - do list for the year.
Thankfully I don't have to- inspired directly by Kym and indirectly by many I now have a word to direct my year. The feeling was there- hovering like a soft gentle whisper all along. Now I have my word, my focus for the year, my direction.
Mindfulness. All I have been shown and all I have lived have taught me I need to focus on the Now and do the best I can with it. As I mull this over and roll it around in my life I hope it brings new life and direction. As well as s one much needed peace.
I have been thinking about resolutions as you do this time of year. Only magnify that by 1000 as I stare down the first Christmas, first New Year, and now looming first anniversaries of the dual deaths that rocked our year. The added pressure of holding a broken family together along with raising your willful children and attempting to foster a thought to yourself is completely overwhelming. So my resolutions have felt as disjointed as I have felt this past year. I know I want an anchor, a grounding point against the storms that have raged against us but I can't put it I a to - do list for the year.
Thankfully I don't have to- inspired directly by Kym and indirectly by many I now have a word to direct my year. The feeling was there- hovering like a soft gentle whisper all along. Now I have my word, my focus for the year, my direction.
Mindfulness. All I have been shown and all I have lived have taught me I need to focus on the Now and do the best I can with it. As I mull this over and roll it around in my life I hope it brings new life and direction. As well as s one much needed peace.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
resolving
I have recently been prompted to write again. Which I miss. So here I am. I am not sure if I will stay in this space or not. I need to find my voice again and while I loved this little home I don't know if it still fits. I don't think I'm a mommy blogger I don't think I have a niche- not that I need one- but this was my IF space. So much has happened since I started this. I feel like I may need a new start.
A new resolve. A new year. A new oasis. Tomorrow I begin.
A new resolve. A new year. A new oasis. Tomorrow I begin.
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