patience

is a lost virtue for me. i don't like waiting & i hate trying to be patient. have you ever seen the pregnancy test commercial that says "imagine knowing your pregnant the moment of conception"? it sucks. they need to just invent that shit already.

i am not anywhere lately- i am trying my hardest to lay low, enjoy time with my hubby & friends, and forget i ever started trying to get pregnant in the first place. hopefully it works out for me. if not- i'll be okay, but my patience will wear that much thinner...

keep it down in there

I may finally be getting the chance I have been waiting for. It's hard to be hopeful about so many different things, I keep feeling like none of them will really happen. I want to have more responsibilty & a project of my own (finally) at work. It seems like I may have just gotten 2 chances for that. I want to be a mom- my chance is going on right now, but I can't help feeling like it's all not real. like it won't really happen. being positive sure does take a hell of a lot of work.

perspectives

i have decided to quit bitching- at least for now. i just had a conversation with one of Tom's friends, a Vietnam vet who is slowly dying. it gives you some perspective. yes- it sucks to go through months of disappointment, but i'll live. i will have children & see them grow old. shit happens that we can't foresee, but i believe that i will have a long & happy life. a surefire way to ~not~ fulfill this self-foreseen destiny is to get caught up in the drama of pity & loose sight of what is beautiful about my life. i have gone through some shitty times in my life (i continue to go through them & i will go through shit in the future) that will not change & it is true for everyone.

but perspective is a wonderful thing. you can change your life by changing your mind. my life is fantastic. i love my family& my home. my husband is the greatest person i know and he can be strong for me when i can not. my dog is awesome. i actually really enjoy my job and i am really good at it. i was hit with a major medical left hook that i was able to quickly diagnose, deal with & recover from. i love my friends and enjoy every moment i spend with them. i have had the amazing good fortune to meet a wonderful and varied group of women that i can lean on for anything i might go through in my life. i am continually inspired by the strength & hope these friends have despite the struggles they face.

life can suck. i will never deny that. but the beautiful part of being human is that we have emotions and that we can share them. everyone has pain in life, but we can all also have joy. i would like to focus on the joy a little more. it will be hard- but hopefully if i can take a break from the pity party every now & then i can live my life now instead of waiting for 1 event to start it.

the other man in my life

i love this guy. he is loyal, kind, gentle & caring. he knows exactly what to do when i feel sad or hurt & he never lets me down. he can get pretty nasty when he needs to & would do anything to protect me. as soon as he sees me his face lights up & i know that he has waited all day just to hang out with me. i don't know what i would do without him.

right now he is laying at my feet in the shop- just chilling & being the best dog in the entire world. meet my little man- chase....

Long week

let me just say that i hate waiting. it gets really old really quick. i used to be so patient too. now i hate waiting. life in 2 week periods. waiting for that promotion. waiting for the new kitchen. waiting for my husband's business to provide us some security.

now- if anyone can tell me how long i'll have to wait- it will make it easier- like waiting for a table at a restaurant- if i know it's going to be 3 years- maybe i'll go somewhere else- but if it's only 6 more months- i'll stay put thank you very much.

so- 7 is a lucky number

at least it better be. i have now reached beyond the 6 month mark. i am less than halfway to the dreaded 1 year mark when you are officially labeled 'infertile'. can i just say what bullshit that is. how come doctors (most likely men) get to label someone for not fitting to an arbitrary time frame?

oh well- right. today's not too bad. i think i get a little less sensitive every time, a little more numb. i have reached a point where i can't even see it happening. i don't think i won't get pregnant & i still have faith & hope that i will, i just can't visualize the moment- it's too surreal. i think i am removing myself as a preservation method. i just need to keep going & it will all work out.

this week is going to be real hard though. i have 4 days of babies, babies, babies in a row. at least i know it will suck & there will be no surprises.

woo-hoo

weekend of fun. first up- a birthday party for a 7 year old. not sure if i am providing chauffeur service or staying- but yay! actually- i really like the kid. he is the coolest 7 year old i know & he idolizes my hubby.

then off to babies-r-us to roam the aisles in search of baby shower gifts from the whole crew at work. so that's an involved process with lots of time- no quick in & out for me. this is the fire-walking equivalent of TTC. can i be strong enough to be happy i am in the place that reminds me i don't have what i want most & all the people around me have it? only time will tell...

last, but certainly not least- the baby shower. a whole big group of people who most likely only know me as 'that bitch who couldn't be supportive of the wonderful mother-to-be because she can't get pregnant herself'. now- i don't think the mother-to-be thinks of me this way at all. we're solid. but i doubt she discusses me anymore with her friends who she complained to when we had our problems. i have totally admitted my faults & am dealing with them- pretty successfully if i do say so myself, but who knows if they know that. who cares- right? typically- not me - i don't have to sit with them for 2 1/2 hours, oh wait....i do.

not to mention that the follow up for this baby shower is- you guessed it- yet another baby shower. this is the one i really dread though. this where people really know me. the entire office gathered around. naturally people start guessing who is next. last baby shower- it was said that it better be me since i am the last of the 'marrieds' without kids. guess life had other plans- huh? i really don't want to hear- 'so when is it your turn jenn?' because i doubt i can hold myself back from retorting with any number of sarcastic bitter comments. let's hope i can just drink my wine & mutter something. i really want to keep my job...

i'd give almost anything to be able to say- oh about 9 months or so...

renegade

my body is betraying me- between mind & body they are playing sick jokes on me. Every month I am positive that this is the month. no exception today. why do i torture myself? can i shake myself out of this? the hope before makes the crash of disappointment that much worse...

therapy

is expensive. the internet is free. why is it such a problem to get a little therapy at work? my 'sessions' are now limited to 15-30 minutes at the beginning and end of the day.

i guess i'll make it work- right?