wow- i guess i'm a lier

i know i said come back tomorrow & i'd be happier, but then i didn't say anything for a week. immediately after writing that post, my friend nancy had such a terrible first IVF cycle that wasn't. i feel like a fraud for whining about nothing at all when she has had such real & terrible pain gong on this week. my pathetic hint of IF is nothing when i look at how strong she has been & still has to be.

i've also been having a tough week in general & have just been wrapped up in it. the hub is struggling to find his groove with the new job- 2 days ago he was announcing what a failure he is & being generally gloomy, depressed, moody & bitchy with me. i won't even get into how close i was to either murder or leaving him after a particularly thoughtless comment about what exactly his priorities were. (hint- i was not included in the short list). thankfully he is quick to realize his stupidity & admit his wrongdoings. so he still lives (and lives with me). then today he is having a fantastic day & is heartened anew. it's very draining on me as i just want a smooth stable patch with no drama. i'm worn out from the drama & i want our happy comfortable life back. the life where saving up a grand a month (or every other month) until we do get pregnant is a very real attainable goal. right now i have spurts of grandeur- "honey we will be making that in a week!" to the pits of despair-"i can't even pay the gas bill". and this is in one week people! don't get me wrong- our bills are paid, but we've got a lot of catching up to do from the past year & the damage the shop caused. well- the failure of the shop caused it. we're not quite in the "here's a thousand dollars to get us knocked up even though there's not a statistical greater chance of you doing it than us doing it since we are technically 'fine' except for the pesky can't get pregnant in 16 tries thing."

i must say though- despite what i hope is just a temporary adjustment- this new job is changing the hub for the better. he is motivated & excited to go to work. he is happy & trying to become a more positive person. he is changing the way he thinks & the way he interacts with people. and this is within less than 2 weeks. i am very hopeful that this is all a step in the right direction, but still fearful of what the lack of stability can do to us.

oh- and my internet went out sometime yesterday. i suspect the new people on the end of the block pulled out my cable to plug their own in. mainly because i can see my cable hanging out unplugged 20 feet up and they seem shady with some other actions i've noticed. my next door neighbor- in between them & us, also had her cable suspiciously go out yesterday- she got an appointment before i could & we're going to try a 2 for one deal here. i even went to get a new modem thinking it had shit the fan, but the new one doesn't work either. obviously the case if someone UNPLUGGED my fucking cable so the could steal it. so now i am paying for wifi in my own house, even though i pay for cable internet because some fucking asshole decided that they just have to watch survivor. can you tell i'm annoyed? i have people to catch up with here dammit! not to mention work to be done. not to mention the hub is actually doing research to improve at his job. okay- i think i'm done venting- for a bit anyway.
i have an appointment in 2 weeks for my first acupuncture. it's something i have been meaning to do anyway & i was directed to what looks like a great little community wellness center. it's a sliding payment scale which is so fantastic for me as that was all that was keeping me from going before. aside from trying to improve fertility, i have some serious shoulder joint pain- popping, cracking & general not good, as well as chronic upper back/shoulder tightness & knots. i hope to improve all of that, but if i just end up more relaxed it will be worth it. my first visit should be right around ovulation, so i'm not sure if that will be relevant or not, but couldn't hurt, right?
well- i am off to check on everyone before my wifi pre-pay runs out.

reasons i cried today

*disclaimer- this is a woe is me pathetic & pity filled post. if you want to wait for my usual bubbly self come back tomorrow.


1. when the hub told me he was depressed because he hadn't sold anything yet today & he thinks he's a terrible salesman. on day 3 of his new job as a salesman which he's never done before.

2. when i came home & saw not one, but 2 adorable toddlers under the age of 3 on my front lawn & realized they're not my kids maybe they won't ever be. (obviously i know these particular children will never be mine, nor would i think they would be handed over upon seeing how magically i interact with small children)

3. walking in the door after spending 10 minutes with said adorable little boy watching him alternately run up to my dogs & wait to get kissed by them & throwing himself down the teeny little slope in my front yard and feeling so low & hopeless. i want to see my kids playing with my dogs.

4. not knowing if we are in for another month, 6 months, year(s) of waiting.

5. getting my period & realizing that i will not be a mother in 2008.

6. realizing that as sad as i am, the hub is also devastated this month since he is now 150% invested in starting a family. (i would put him at previously 100% mentally invested, 75% emotionally & about 70% physically)

7. feeling my sore ass boobs not getting any less sore even though they usually at least ease up a day before my period.

8. calling for my day one (postponing the clomid challenge cycle another month) and finding out my fsh at last month's day 3 was 4 which is normal. so now we know almost definitely that there is no reason we can't get pregnant. this makes me feel even worse while feeling reassured at the same time.

9. realizing that my 'full' feeling the past few days is just bloating & my expanding ass, not in any way baby related.

10. the fact that i am this sorry for myself after 'only' 16 cycles and absolutely no treatment cycles. this makes me cry for everyone else (and myself too for being such a pathetic whining p.o.s.)

11. realizing i forgot to pick up wine on my way home.

what made me smile today?
- my little mandog is happy
- my little girldog is insane
- i have chocolate (my last vice to give up- i have now cut out caffeine completely, except of course for the chocolate, and i only have a few glasses of wine when the dreaded af shows up)

little bits of sunshine - updated

i am trying to distract myself until tomorrow morning by posting my pathetic garden. i really can't even call it that. granted i live in a row home. i have no real yard to speak of, just a 8'x10' sloping plot of the hardest most clay packed dirt you can think of. it takes 3 bags of seed throughout the summer to maintain just green, and my flower 'garden' is a patch of bulbs that have been cruelly tricked throughout the two years i have had them by sudden freak warm spells followed by cruel subzero temps that coax them out & then kill them off or stunt them terribly. but yet- i noticed two brave soldiers today surrounded by adorable little buttercups & they made me smile. even in the worst soil something always seems to grow- right?

*update- so i tested & as usual the clearest starkest blank spot where a line really should have been! another month bites the clay filled dust. i can't say that i'm surprised, but i am upset, bitter, heartbroken (again) and feeling a little hopeless. 16 tries have ended in failures & it's really starting to suck. i can't even look forward to starting treatments with the re because we still can't afford the extra grand + a month (by the way I think this is super pricey!). if the hub does well at his job we will be able to afford to cycle every month if we have to, but right now we just can't. there's too much to catch up on & we just got the new car...

so my dilemma is whether to call my re or not. do i just sit tight & when we can afford to really jump in i call him on that day one? or do i still call on my day one now & kindly let them know that until they start giving treatments away or i can afford it i will have to wait?

to-do

as i have been tagged by kate i am doing the to-do meme.

The rules:step 1. reference back to the blog that sent you.
step 2. make a list of 5 things you have to get done this week, no matter how small.
step 3. get 2 other people off their asses to get their shit in order.

since i only have 2 days left here my list may be lame- be forewarned:
1. get more tea. i've stopped drinking coffee entirely but i can not quit my morning substitute cup of irish breakfast tea - taken the irish way with cream & sugar. i actually started drinking it this way in ireland and it makes feel happy when i drink it.

2. clean my living room. we cleared out the dining room & ended up going through all the accumulated crap that a couple tends to get over 3 years in a house. we have to donate a good chunk & put away the stuff we're actually going to use.

3. speaking of donating- a friend from work is coming over to go through a huge (think lawn size) trash bag full of clothes & shoes I am getting rid of. anything she doesn't want gets donated too. i guess my to do is actually donating the stuff that's left. oh- she's also bringing her dog over to have a puppy play date with my kids. i am more excited for that!

4. be an actress- the hub is practicing his sales pitch & needs a volunteer for some role playing. maybe i can work it into some sort of naughty role play exercise for the two of us... fun, fun, fun!

5. take a pregnancy test. i have this feeling i should. my temp went up this morning & i'll see what tomorrow's is. if it's up- why not... who knows- our lucky streak could be hot right now. or we could have run our luck out with a new car & new job. either way we win- right?

so i now tag kat & tammy because they could both use some frivolous distractions right now. but you guys can wait until next week if you want!

the week that changes it all?

the hub has a new job. he started today- it's more a check it out situation rather than a typical 'first day on the new job'. it's sales- which he's never done, but i think he'd be amazing at. it seems like a good deal- 401K, benefits, no steady salary though. it's 100% commission. he has a potential for a really good salary (about 2/3 what i make in a month he could make in a week) & tomorrow is day 2 of training, when he will be selling instead of just riding along. we'll see how it goes, but i really hope it goes well. it seems like this could be our break- first a car (yay! just needs an engine- boo!) now a possible good job with insurance & everything, and maybe, just maybe...ah- who am i kidding- i doubt that there's going to be even more good news this week, i just don't believe it's going to be possible for us without more of a struggle. the good news is that with this new job we just might get the chance to do that sooner.

after this past year i am fearful of any good news, i still feel like the rug's going to get pulled out from under us at any time. i hope that it all pans out but i'm still looking behind & around to see what's going to hit next. i wonder when i will be able to relax & celebrate good news & opportunities without wondering what the catch is.

in other news- i am slightly confused by my chart this month- i don't think it means anything one way or the other- i just noticed that the pattern is completely different from any other month. my post-o temps are still in their normal range, but the past few days i've had a slow fall when i normally have a slow rise this time. i'm extremely cranky, but my boobs haven't been sore until today when i'm usually bitching for a whole week before af shows up. bah- it all means nothing anyway- if my temps don't plummet i will probably test friday or saturday. if they do i just wait. it does seem to get easier to go through the months in a way- i'm more numb & a little less invested in each cycle. i still want it as badly & i still wish as much, but i never think "this is IT!" i think all symptoms are phantom or merely products of the apparently massive amounts of progesterone i have (at least this month!) or signs that af will be showing up promptly.
i do still pray that it's this month, i ask for a little help or a good word from my granma to any higher powers she's hanging around with just in case she's up there wondering how she could help. then again- maybe this past week was her after all. i think tonight i'll say a little thank you instead of a please.

happy anniversary to me- in a way

yesterday morning we got up super early & ran our necessary last errands before heading over to this very small dealership we found through a popular auction site. well- when we went & looked at the car i immediately loved it! the only (ahem, cough, cough) small little problem with it seemed to be that it made this horrible screeching knocking engine noise & most likely needs a new engine! lucky for me i married the world's greatest genius mechanic & he said it's no problem. we ended up talking the guy don't a bit because we pretty much knew we'd have to put over a grand into the car to get it up to snuff, but once we do it will be worth nearly $5000- trust me, we can't afford that off the bat & a fixer upper is the way to go!
so yet again we have taken on another project. our lack of flexible funds usually leaves us doing a lot ourselves. i'm really okay with that, it's almost more rewarding to think that the very safe & reliable family car that i wanted was in way made that way by the hub. although it would be decadent to just go get something new that we don't have to fix, i think the flaws & fixer-upper aspects of our lives adds a ton of character.
so i know you must be dying to see what could be such a great deal with a blown engine- trust me- the worst part is the engine!:


there are so many little compartments & storage spots & really cool features! the interior is in pretty good shape, just needs a very thorough cleaning, and these cars last forever! the hub had a different model that was at 200,000 miles when it was totalled. it still ran.

i am hoping that this is the start of some good luck for us. we really need it. having my own car & not having to borrow one from a relative makes me feel much more stable. i hate being beholden to someone else- even if that person is my wonderfully generous sister. as the hub starts to get on his feet a little & we are evening out- all our bills are paid & we could actually afford to go out to dinner this weekend!- i am starting to feel like we are getting back to normal. it's still really hard. the hub's job is not as steady work as he would like, he's not bringing home a consistent paycheck every week & that stresses him (& therefor me) out. he's trying to figure out what job he wants to do & this is more a flexible meantime option, but it's hard. he's so impatient & after not making anything in a year he wants it all- right now. while i admire that he's driven, i hate hat he feels like he's failing when he doesn't bring home 6 figures overnight. it's like he gets stuck thinking he can't do something- so he won't even try. which is frustrating. to see this mixture of drive & ambition & self-loathing & defeatism in the man you love is a very hard end to a very hard year. not much i say can help him either. it's something he needs to work out himself. i know he will & i know we'll be okay (okay- i hope he will & we will be okay!) but it's another strain on a relationship that has been through a lot in a year & a half.

one reason i know we will be okay & get through this together is that we really are a great team. despite a few snafus- getting this car was a bit of a project that we worked together on really well. another reason is his new found dedication to trying to have a family. he wants to know what the temperature means now after months of hearing that little beep beep. he does subscribe to the 'listen to the old wives tale advice from the one person he knows who was IF' method of trying as well, so now i am forced to stay immobile. this is one piece of assvice i could do without. i know that 20 minutes of cuddling & not jumping up is reasonable- fine. but i have a very gung-ho hub who demanded i not move for an entire night this cycle. and let me tell you- my cart is a little crazy- no sunshine & rainbows or letting miss hope move in yet- but if this is the month i will NEVER hear the end of it! speaking of charts- here's mine so you can see the crazy.

this post has gotten so out of control i bet you're wondering what the hell i'm talking about by naming it happy anniversary! two years ago today was the day that i went into work feeling just a little nauseous & not so hot. by 10 am i was doubled over in pain & went home- screaming & cursing as waves of the most horrible stabbing pain washed over me. by the time i got home & had to walk the dogs- fun- all i could do was curl up on the couch under thick blankets (it was a freak 70 degree day) and whimper & cry. finally gave in & called the hub who raced home & raced me to the hospital. not to get too into detail, but i was throwing up bile in front of the admissions staff- so i got in quickly. they thought it was kidney stones. i thought it was my appendix. after being admitted & given some sweet sweet painkillers an MRI (cat scan- honestly can't remember which thanks to said painkillers) showed that my right kidney was literally 2-3 times the size of my left like an inflated balloon. nothing was draining & i had such a massive kidney infection it's amazing i wasn't completely septic. they pushed two bags of antibiotics, but by the next morning the were rushing me into surgery to insert a stent- basically a piece of plastic that slides up into the kidney/bladder connection to open that puppy up & allow it to drain. gross. so- long story short- today started my diagnosis of a congenital kidney defect that went unknown for 26 years & ended up sending me into emergency 'surgery'. (i wasn't cut open at that time)
today also marks the first time that i remember having the very powerful- i want a baby thought. it was certainly the first time that the hub & i talked seriously about it. we had always said - slightly casually since it was always years in the future- that we would adopt our children. it was nice to know we both thought this way about adoption. but after the exploding kidney incident i just knew that i couldn't live out my life without experiencing pregnancy. i want to have a child that looks like me, that looks like the hub. i want to know what that is like & i want to breastfeed. i want to see myself getting bigger & i want to let the hub feel the baby kicking. that day these thoughts, wants, & emotions hit me like a freight train. i didn't want to die without knowing what that was like. after this day two years ago i had to wait to get better. i had to wait to get the kidney taken out & recover. i had to wait until my body was ready to start trying. we probably rushed the trying part just a little- only 2 months after surgery, but i couldn't wait any more. and now that i am coming up on month 16 of trying, my heart is really at month 24 of wanting.

so happy anniversary to the little kidney that was. you woke my biological clock & set it on atomic. thank you for that. thank you for not exploding. thank you for allowing me to recovery fairly quickly. thank you for letting me see how wonderful the hub can be & how calm he is in an emergency. thank you for letting me stay & letting me at least get to try to get pregnant. if you are up in lost kidney heaven- could you please communicate with my ovaries & ute just how great it would be if they would cooperate & let the hub's swimmers in. i only need one- just one little egg that wants to stick around. i promise to treat it right & give it a very comfortable home. if you could do that for me i would appreciate it. and i'll let that little incident where you became my "11" on the pain scale go.

raining & pouring

just when i think things are finally looking up* we get hit again. tonight we found out that my father-in-law is not doing well at all. he has hepatitis & was on the list for a liver transplant. he has appointments every three months to check his status. at his last one they thought he had beginning stage liver cancer. the good news is he doesn't. the bad news is that his kidneys are failing & for that he has been removed from the transplant list. we don't know anything more than that right now. it's in a way expected as he has been sick for years. but he's also been living with it for years. in a way i have thought that he will be the guy you know you gets a 6 months to live sentence & lives for another 15 years. it makes it even more sad (bittersweet is definitely not the right word- there is no sweet in this) that we can't even tell him that he's going to be a grandpa. we know how much it would mean to him & i just wish that we could at least give him that soon.

* the hub's job is going really well & we are looking for a car for me. it may mean that we have to push any kind of treatment back another month- more like May than April, but at least we are slowly getting back to normal.
one question though- why do i always get a message from my cousin with no message- just pictures of her 5 month old daughter with an out of work boyfriend that we've never met. and why does this message always come on the days that i am feeling just a little hopeless?

all's quiet on the homefront

nothing much is going on right now. we got all our test results back as perfectly normal. ooh- reminds me to call about my fsh- don't remember getting that yet- will do tomorrow! so now we just wait. opk's are negative, but temps are right on track for some o-time soon. who knows what's going on with all that so we're still trying on our own & trying to figure out what to do next. probably the clomid challenge test with IUI in a few months. we have to save up & get a 2nd car first...

the hub's been doing really well with the new job. we also sold an old drafting table. i loved the table very much- it was the hub's gift to me when we got back together in college. he refinished it himself & it was beautiful. but i haven't used it in 5 years. we got a really good chuck of change for it- enough to catch up all our bills & get us square from the little hole we found ourselves in from the shop. not enough to get a car too, but we still have our tax return & hopefully that refund... then i hopefully get my profit sharing check & we can use that for cycles. it may put us out to may or june, which totally sucks, but at least we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant. of course- we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant- which also sucks.

another thing that happened is the hub told me about a girl at his job who is pregnant after ivf. they tried for 3 years & he had a long talk with her today. they talked mainly about her i think, but i was surprised (okay- shocked beyond belief!) that my hub would openly talk with a relative stranger, someone he's only known for a month, about our problems trying to conceive. he said it was actually good to talk with her & i guess they talked about me a lot- my reactions to certain things & the fact that i have my 'online girls' to talk to about this stuff. i am grateful that this woman was able to reassure my hub that i am not crazy, obsessed, or strange for any of the things i do in this quest to be a mommy. she did them all too. (why he had to hear it from her & couldn't just believe me is beyond me- but i'm still thankful he was able to hear that someone else feels exactly like his wife does) i am proud of him for doing what i can only really dream of- talk openly about what's going on & how he is dealing with it. get advice (some assvice was given too!) and compare RE's. to someones face. i wish (& dread) for that same experience.

i find myself in this really odd place lately. i am very tired & easily distracted. i'm happy, but restless. it seems like the longer we try, the less real or possible the end goal starts to seem. i can't visualize myself as pregnant, or holding our child as easily as i could when we first started. at the same time- i am having dreams about giving birth to our child, putting her down in her crib, carrying her around with me while picking up groceries. these dreams are vivid & very real & i always have a small daughter, less than a month old, with dark almost black eyes & thick straight dark hair. and i always wake up right after having one of these dreams, ensuring that i remember it all day. they make me sad & hopeful all rolled into one.

oh- to end this post on a completely self-centered & random note- i cut my hair on sunday- i gave myself bangs which i haven't had in a really long time. i'm trying to grow my hair & not dye it- so there weren't that many options for changing it. thankfully they seem to be a big hit- i have gotten compliments from just about everyone i work with & know. and that really helps make a girl feel better after a week of coochie prodding & an 'unexplained' diagnosis combined with 2 infants, 3 toddlers, & a 4 year old in the office. i love those kids, but it gets hard to stop thinking 'why not me?'