now with graphs

i finally got my numbers back in.
14dpiui- beta #1=96
16dpiui- beta #2=232

chart is:


then 18 dpiui- beta #3=602

chart:


i basically have doubling times of 60% in 24 hours, 159% in 48 hours according to the website. i can't do any math because fatigue is kicking in- but it's starting to feel real. holy crap!
now i may have to look into widgets this weekend! ;o)

i HATE quest (updated)

no 2nd beta for me today. the genius's at quest decided that they didn't really need to run a beta on my blood & only did progesterone. morons. now they have to rerun it & i get the results tomorrow.ack! livid! this is my doubling time people! the only good news is i go back in for #3 tomorrow. so maybe my vampire will do a peek again for me...
probably not though because they didn't find out about it until after 3 today, so it probably won't be in until later. poop. it still doesn't quite feel real, but it may be starting to sink in a little. the hub is already freaked out about money- not that we haven't thought about it & tried to plan, but after 20 months of just trying, we kept moving money to other more immediate things. thank goodness we have time to figure things out!

update: today i called at noon- had to leave a message since it was lunch. i heard back by 2:30- they hadn't received them yet but i was assured that the second my results came in i would know. by 5 i hadn't heard anything. i am now getting pissed. tomorrow i should get results #2 & 3 back at the same time. but i want to know NOW what my doubling time is! bitches.
i did however get my first i could almost hurl moment today- about 20 minutes after lunch intense nausea fr about 30 seconds. then gone. i don't have as much of an appetite as usual, but i hadn't had any nausea- which i wasn't expecting for a few weeks anyway. at least until week 6. of course- it could have just been hot day & crappy lunch combined. we'll see...

announcements & betas

today i had my second beta draw- while i was there my favorite vampire at the clinic said she was just going to check my numbers from saturday to make sure. after an agonizing 2 minutes she just said "yup- you are! your number's great! 96." i literally started to cry a little. i was expecting maybe 35, 40, but 96 is awesome! my progesterone level is 41. also very good. she did say that the nurses like to call with this info- so to act surprised when they do later! luckily i just got a voicemail tat i can obsessively listen to over & over!
i get my results back from today by tomorrow afternoon. i am excited & just a little nervous. although i do feel good about this- i am keeping all my hope & relaxation from this cycle for now at least.
i went o acupuncture tonight & when i told her her reaction was so great! it was surreal to say 'i'm pregnant' to someone! she asked me if she had said anything to me last week about my pulse (she hadn't) because she said she picked up a little of the pregnancy pulse last week. i did find it a little odd that she took my pulse again after the session, but then put it out of my mind. she also told me that i was her third patient & her 2nd that was doing a first treatment cycle, to find out they are pregnant in the last week & a half. we talked about still going to see her for the next few weeks to help with any headaches or queasiness i get. at least until my first appointment which i will probably be calling about this week.
i told my sister today- her reaction was so perfect! since she helped us out so much with this cycle- she's always there when i need to vent or cry or dream- i knew she would be one of the very first people to know. i told her that i found a new word for her- tante, her new title. i then had to tell her what it meant since her intermediate german is very rusty. (we call each other schwester which is where the german comes from- that & we are both complete nerds) i told her her new title is aunt & she just screeched- are you serious??!! really?? you are!!!! it was the best reaction! she is also very protective & told me to sit down, put my feet up, & stay that way for the next 9 months! she must have been talking to the hub!
after acupuncture i called my parents- i had to chit chat with my dad for a bit before my mom got on the phone too- i asked if they were ready to be grandparents. mom said yeeessss, why- are you??!!! (same very excited tone as sister had) then she sid how happy she was for us & how she knows how much we wanted this & she started to get that teary eyed sound to her voice- which of course made me teary eyed. then she asked if i was pregnant before the iui (which really doesn't make sense- but that's mom!) because when i called one night to talk to my sister about it (before it was even scheduled mind you) mom was there & asked my sister afterwards if i was calling to tell her i was pregnant because she just had this thought when she heard it was me. of course my sister- knowing what was up- simply says no. but i know my mom & she thinks that she had a psychic moment about this- which is fine with me! she also told me that i was torturing her since they are going to see pretty much the entire extended family & i won't let her tell anyone yet. i told her that i would certainly let her know when she can spill to the world, but that i would be testing her willpower for a while since i want to wait until i get that first ultrasound & feel a little more out of the woods. i'm thinking hat will happen sometime around week 30-36... ;o)
she also asked if she could tell everyone she works with when she goes back next month since they have apparently been praying for us every week (she's a nurse at a catholic school) since i don't know any of them & it's really more about her at that point than me- i don't mind so much. as long as i see/hear a heartbeat by that point.
my dad's birthday is next week & i really wanted to wait & do something cute with that- a happy birthday grandpa card, or world's best grandpa mug, but i'm glad i got to hear their voices when i told them. even if the worst happens i will always have these moments.
of course- i came home & the hub told me i had to call mother-in-law. (sometimes i think she loves me more than her sons, but she never had a daughter & i really am a rocking in-law to have!) she is so happy & excited- she had to tell me about her two pregnancies & to drink lots of water & relax, but not stop doing everything since i need to keep active. it's all very sweet! she asked if i had gotten my vitamins yet & when i told her i had been taking them for over a year & a half she was very surprised! i don't think she realized until then how long we've really been trying for this.
all n all- i am glad i have such caring people in my life to share this with. no matter what happens i feel so loved & blessed & happy. i just can't stop smiling!

i just noticed

my last post- the best post!- was number 222. That's my mom's absolute favorite number, hmm.

i of course poas this morning to see that little plus sign again- it's still there, visible now from the first 30 seconds. i will pee on my last test tomorrow & then decide whether to get more (probably not) or just wait until i enter beta world. i had blood drawn yesterday, but my insurance sucks for some things & it needs to be sent out- which means i hear my first # the day i get my 2nd draw on monday. and i hear how they rise by wednesday, maybe? it's slightly nerve-wracking, and very strange. i dreamt last night that yesterday's number was 39, and that for some reason the test i peed on gave me a number today of 31. which of course had me freaked out & i woke up so nervous about seeing the line at all! what a relief- even if it's just a small one- to see the second line sooner & darker this morning than yesterday. I know pregnancy can be one giant freak out- and i am feeling it already!
the hub is being very cute- not letting me drive (aaarrggh), not letting me close the hatch of the subaru as we do our errand shopping today. oh- also very cute is the fact that he refuses to have sex because he doesn't want to jostle anything out of place! ridiculous! (this entire paragraph is all sarcasm, by the way)
i am a little touched by how sweet he is being to me, all machismo aside- he hasn't even really made fun of me for completely passing out 2 nights in a row before 9 pm on the couch. he does feel a little better too about seeing the darker line today. i am just hoping to make it through to the betas & see them rising well.
i am wondering when i will stop feeling like i have to check for blood every time i go to the bathroom. it is very surreal & such a strange feeling. other than my fatigue & random very light cramps i have no symptoms. no sore boobs, no nauseau, i feel full faster or don't feel like eating as much- especially for dinner, but i think that's more because of the exhaustion. the lack of boob soreness was really the clue for me that this may have worked- i always have incredibly sore boobs starting at least 3 days before i get af. i realized on thursday that they didn't hurt a bit & that was so unusual that it got me all hopped on hope. i can't believe she didn't sucker punch me this time. i was so prepared to be crying & self-medicating with delicious organic beer this weekend. it's just surreal to not be there- i can't seem to wrap my head completely around the fact that i am in fact pregnant! i have a due date too- well, one based on my iui anyway- april 4, 2009. an aries. i am debating putting a widget on the blog- they are slightly creepy, but i kind of like it anyway. maybe after the betas.

oh- one last thing, i know there's many ways to handle a blog that goes from IF to pregnancy & i just wanted to say that i will most likely not be posting any warnings or 'pregnancy mentioned' type posts. i completely understand if someone can't stop by or comment or stops reading altogether. i will be a little sad, but i get it. there are many blogs that i just could not continue to comment on or read once they got the bfp. and i really really do get it, but i am blogging more for my own personal record of this journey & will continue to post in my usual brain purging manner ;o) i hope my small group of readers continues to come by & share in this new terrifying & exciting part of the journey- but i really do understand if you don't/can't.
that said- thank you again for all the wonderful support & comments- especially these last few months (& this past one in particular!) i really am so blessed to have seen today & no matter what the future holds this miracle has made me so grateful, so happy, so surreally peaceful. thank you for helping to prop me up when i needed it & cheering for me when it all went so beautifully!

is 7:15am too early to start drinking?

champagne that is???!!!! sorry- i couldn't resist!

without further delay- this is a positive, right?

the hub is skeptical because the second line is fainter, but i've never even seen an evap, so i am fucking pregnant!!!! oh.my.god. i can't believe this actually fucking worked. i am shaking. i am in shock. i can't really believe yet that i am going to be a momma, but i am elated to have this moment! there are two more tests in that box- i don't even know their threshold, but i will be taking one every morning now! i waivered all week between convinced it worked to sure it didn't. i mean- it was our ONLY treatment. we can't do another for a good long time & it fucking worked??!! i feel so blessed, so grateful, so amazed right now. i will be floating the rest of the day.

the hub has christened our little spec of cells- he actually said it the other day, but i didn't want to think about it until i tested. spring roll. the newest member of our family (hopefully here to stay!)

thank you so much for all your wonderful good wishes- if wishes really did make it true, then you had as much to do with this as me. although i have a sneaking suspicion it was the introduction of the hub's super sperm directly into uterus. ;o)

the hub is also convinced that my 'twisty, turny, corkscrew vagina pipe' was the reason we didn't get pregnant before. (yes- that is a direct quote, no he doesn't want you knowing he said that!) he may actually be right- or it may be a miracle like every single pregnancy is. either way- i am so thankful & happy.

in between shaking, crying, & grinning like a fool, i know i never would have made it through work yesterday! so i am sorry i didn't test last night, but glad i waited to really enjoy & wallow in this!

i suck

came home- peed- realized i was going to test, said oh shit! it'll have to be tomorrow.
if my 2 hour nap is any indication of the outcome- it'll be a good day.
then again- if my cramps are any indication- it won't be... only time will tell- right?

if i tell you i'll have to kill you

serving on a jury is NOTHING like you expect if the only experience you were basing said expectation on was law oriented television. it is a lot of hurry up & wait. we finished out the case in 2 whole days, but it really should have only taken one. as we started to deliberate- one of us asked, how many decided after hearing only the plaintiff's? we all raised our hands. we decided for the defendent. it's a civil case- and it was very obvious to all of us that the plaintiff was only trying to get some money, not recoup from pain & suffering. and the defendent now can have their countersuit & hopefully get their defense fees back. the case never should have made it to a full jury trial- it was pretty obvious what happened & that the plaintiff's were lying about multiple things. oh well- i got three days off work (not that part of me wouldn't have rather been at work all that time anyway!) and i met some very interesting people. let's just say- that whole cross section of the population thing was evident in my jury. there was someone of almost every race, education, income, & a lot of personality! it was interesting!

on to better things- here is the fabulous package from the lovely io :

first off- 6 skeins of funky red yarn, i already have a thought what i will make- hint- it starts with an s & ends with a carf. (they're sitting on my 2nd 2ww project- the little blanket that may be a throw or may be a gift...)

then this box of lemonh.eads- check out the awesome little tin! (unfortunately the hub got to them before i could & they are but a memory of yummy hanging in his tummy- but he really enjoyed them so i guess that's okay...)

there's some iron on t-shirt transfer paper that you can print from your laserjet printer... i am brewing a few ideas on this as well!

a cute little pack of playing cards (that i must confess on first glance in the package appeared to be something much much naughtier to me! i guess i just have a dirty mind)

an awesome pink indy fire dept tee- it's just this side of too big so it will hopefully turn into a cute belly shirt, ahem wishful thinking here.

and finally the icing on the top of this distraction cake- a gorgeous portfolio stuffed with pr.ismacolors & a pad & tons of little pockets all over... i am so stoked about this one & i don't know how she knew i could use such a wonderful gift! but i am touched & warmed to the bottom of my heart that she decided to send me such a thoughtful gift pack!

i am so excited & touched & feel so warm & fuzzy right now. it really does make my wait more than bearable. speaking of which- i thought i had decided to test tomorrow, but if i do i think it won't be until evening. all signs seem to point to my period not showing up tomorrow to crash the party, but i tend to have a 13 day lp. sometimes 12 sometimes 14, but i at least want to wait until a short lp is safely behind me. also- a very good point was made to me today- if i test in the morning- even if it is a positive (please, please, please, please) i will have to basically shout it to my sleeping, grumpy husband as i run out the door to work. then i can sit at my desk & either try not to cry or to keep my shit eating grin from making my coworkers think i've gone off the deep end. at least if i wait until i get home tomorrow i can celebrate or commiserate with the hub. he even has my favorite organic microbrew on hand just in case. (okay- the neighbor gave it to him because he drinks nothing but coor.s light & there will be some left if i need it- it has been hard to see him enjoying my delicious amber ale & not be able to have any, but the second i think about giving in & having a sip- i imaging how i will reproach myself if this doesn't work out, or if it does but something happens- i'd rather just wait until i know i can't torture myself) so- by this time tomorrow i may have an update, but i am playing it by ear- it depends on so many whims & feelings from the day.

like today- i had to run to pee about 7 times during the day today- a bit much even for the one kidney wonder. and the little minor cramps & twinges have me convinced i will see a second line finally. but my boobs aren't sore a bit, and i have felt all these things before. so i would rather wait it out & be at least comfortable with when i take the test & the fact that the hub gets to be there with & for me. he's been so involved & emotionally invested in this cycle- even more that i have been i think. i feel like i owe it to him to be able to just be together after we find out if this worked or not...

big day

no- not THAT big day. i was selected for jury duty today- now i don't need to wonder how to get through the rest of my wait!

also- i got this amazing package from the wonderful io that seriously warmed my heart & put a gigantic grin on my face when i saw it on my step today! i have to run off to acupuncture- but i promise a nice post with lots of pictures of the fun & awesome distractions for the rest of the week, unfortunately i don't think i can bring them to jury duty, but maybe i can sneak some in...

awesome knight

last night the hub & i went with some friends to see the new batm.an at the im.ax theater downtown. all i have to say is it was fucking awesome! i have a strong fondness in my heart for the very first ones of the series, but these last two get back to that dark feeling, this one even more than the last. the performances were really good & despite sitting staring practically straight up for almost 3 hours- i was really engaged every minute. i recommend seeing it- but maybe in a normal theater! i feel like i might have missed about 25% of the movie since the screen was so incredibly big. it was completely sold out too, and our group was 13 people, miraculously we all got to sit in the same row- even if that was the 3rd row from the front. sitting further back wold have helped a lot, but we got only there 45 minutes early, since waiting for 2 hours to get the best seats was not our priority!
it was a really nice saturday night though- we love our friends & it's always good to spend time with them. they are going through their own house stress, so i know it was good for all of us to just have a night off & wander around the museum area. we went to this little tavern to get some dinner, but the menu really sucked & had a moose lodge kind of feel. we just had our one drink & left (ice tea for me). then we went t a little pizza place/deli & the woman at the counter was so cranky, plus they didn't have slices!!! what the hell?! so of course i got some deep fried chicken because i just blurted out the first thing i saw that looked good. uugh- the only good thing about that was that i was too bloated & full after eating to get any popcorn- even though i have a great & undying love for popcorn. i didn't even get any the night before either when we say another movie on our 'date night', go figure...
despite our interesting food experiences, it was a really great night & today is all about staying home, relaxing, maybe checking out the produce stand, but more likely just cleaning & crocheting while watching some sappy sunday movies. perfect for 8dpiui.

speaking of which i am now in the fighting off 'symptoms' mode of my wait. i keep telling myself it's too early for any symptoms, not that i really have any. i just really don't want to think about it until test day- which could be thursday, but i am not sure i want to test & then have to go to work. i would rather wait until saturday so i can have the whole day to either celebrate, or get tanked & cry. of course- the hub has taken obsession to a whole new level. he can't wait for me to test & despite my best explanations, cajoling, begging, & downright pouting- he refuses to have sex with me until i take the test. as he put it- he doesn't want to 'knock anything around'. it's sweet how concerned & hopeful & nervous he is- but why do i have to suffer for his pig-headed belief that sex would have any negative effect on fertilization or implantation? i don't think i am the first woman to have a husband with this idea stuck in his head, but 2 week without really sucks. and he is stubborn- no matter how many times i explain, or how many articles i show him (if i could find an article that says sex during the 2ww has no effect on pregnancy rates) he will not budge. i might test earlier just so i canget some! ;o)

15 years

I was tagged by poltzie for a meme to distract me while i wait for the next week before i test- so here it its:

This meme is: 15 Years in a Nutshell. Think back on the last 15 years of your life. What would you tell someone that you hadn't seen or talked to for 15 years? How would you sum up your life? You get 10 bullet points. A list of 10 things to summarize you. At the end of your list, tag 5 more people and send on the love.

1. in 1993 i was 13 about to be 14 & a freshman in high school- this was the year i met the hub. in gym class. i liked his friend better- the hub scared me a little.
2. 1994 was the year i dated the hub for a month or two & then he broke my heart by dumping me because i was all illegal or something. oh yeah- the hub was 18.
3. in 1996 i dated a complete loser who cheated on me right as i was pondering whether or not to lose my virginity to him. lucky for me i decided not. i dumped his ass & ran into the hub again about 3 weeks later- we were together for about 4 years nonstop after that.
4. 1997 i graduated high school- depressingly average gpa due to being a total slacker that last year, then i went to community college because i couldn't figure out what i wanted to be. i decided famous was a good career goal & took drama as a major.
5. 1999 was when i got a 1.0 gpa for the semester & took a break from school. i had been living with a girlfriend & despite not being a huge partier- i managed to flunk. i left that house (way too much drama) and ended up moving in with the hub for about 4-5 months & working a horrible job at the front desk of a motel from 3-11pm. decided i should give this college thing a serious try &
6. in 2000 i decided on interior design as a career. i thought it was more like decorating when i applied, but moved here to the school i fell in love with & proceeded to unleash my inner geek & be really into the physics, mathematics, & intricacies that go into my field.
7. in 2000 i also broke up with the hub- i thought for good. i couldn't separate what 'us' was from what 'i' was trying to become & i needed a break to get myself sorted out. he was convinced i cheated on him & wanted someone else. ironically- while we were apart i didn't even date anyone, just made out with a few boys, while he seriously dated (ahem- slept with) someone else. luckily we both grew up enough to realize we were meant for each other & got back together. he drove 5 hours each way every weekend for 6 months to see me.
8. in 2001 we moved in together & then got our little girl (jack russell puppy) in march of 2002. well- i should say we got his little girl!
9. in 2003 i graduated college & worked every day of that summer- a lifestyle/gardening store, 2 days doing bookkeeping for a tailor & freelancing in my spare time. i don't remember saving a lot of money but i did have a great summer. this was also not a great time to be entering the field in my area- jobs were hard to find & good jobs that were rare. i got two offers in one week (the only two offers i got) & one was to rep furniture. i didn't want to do that, so i took the only job i was offered. and worked my ass off for a very interesting & difficult firm for almost 2 years. i learned how to deal with difficult people without losing my patience, i learned that humiliation is never a tactic i would want to use with an employee. i learned that office politics can be evil & brutal & change people quicker than you ever would have thought. i learned to do my job really well & really quickly. i learned that i couldn't stay in that kind of environment & moved on.
10. in 2005 the hub & i got married. i quit my evil job for my current & (mostly always) wonderful one. the hub & i started our grand project 'house rehab' (still ongoing to this day) and after almost 2 years of marriage, a massive exploding kidney & subsequent surgery, we decided to embark on this journey to conceive our child- little imagining the twists & turns of infertility would be the road we were on. where it leads- who knows, but we are hopeful it will end soon!

I don't really know who to tag- if you feel like doing, please do!

still calm- for now

all is still quiet & zen on the homefront. after a really nice long chat with my pal nancy last night i realized i never went into gory details about the visits up to the iui. here's the recap:
on friday when i went in for my scan i had one follie on the right at 20 that the tech was very excited about. i never did get my lining measurement, but was told that everything looked textbook perfect. i did have another follie on the left at somewhere around 15mm, but she really didn't focus on it & told me i had one perfect follie. perfect was used a lot & i really liked hearing it! she looked at my estriodal (?) levels from the day before- said they rose wonderfully & she wouldn't be calling me unless something really wacky came back from my bloodwork that day.

i then got pretty much dressed & back she came with the trigger shot- which honestly scared me a bit. despite the fact i have 2 tattoos & countless piercings- i can not look at a medical needle going into my skin & the thought of it gives me the willies. luckily it went in my ass. she did warn me tat i would be sore & the rest of the day sitting at my desk was very difficult. but it was a nice little reminder of what was to come!

so- after talking with nancy i realized that there was a possibility that the follie on the left was able to mature & release too. i had mainly only felt twinges & ovulation on the right, but late on saturday into waking up on sunday i did feel a whole bunch of something on the left. i never really thought about it since i figured that i only had one follie, but maybe... more targets for the 'crazy awesome' sample to find! let's hope anyway.

one thing i have been doing to keep myself occupied (poltzie- i will get to that meme, i didn't have my computer last night & wasn't home until after 8 on monday!) is crocheting. i am not very good- all i have ever made before are hats & scarves. but i am trying to challenge myself & decided to try a sweater. and since i'm distracting myself after an iui- why not a baby sweater, right? i figure- if it sucks i can take it all out & make something else. if it doesn't i can maybe keep it & use it. if i can't then i know plenty of people having babies that i can give it too, or a sweet little girl to dress up her baby doll. it keeps me a little hopeful, but occupied- which is the perfect mix for me. now- i've never ever attempted clothes before & it s nowhere near perfect- the arms & shoulders are a little weird, but here's my first attempt:

it's definitely girlie & the photo is not great at all (it's early & i don't feel like setting up a good shot!) but it's a dark orange & cream & i even hand made little 'buttons' & crocheted button holes in too. i think it's cute- but i am mostly proud of myself for figuring it out. i can't read the crochet instructions for the life of me which is why hats, scarves, & blankets are more my speed! i think next i am moving on to a blanket, i'll post it after i am done if it's good. i have a ton of yarn & hours of not wanting to focus on phantom symptoms ahead of me. and again- if this doesn't work- i have at least 7 pregnant women in my life who could get it as a gift!

speaking of which- kind of- the hub is very anxious this cycle. he asked again when i could test last night. i finally had to tell him that i wouldn't even consider it before next thursday so he needed to stop asking me so i didn't get anxious too! he is feeling this 2ww & feeling it bad. it's sweet & heartwarming, heartbreaking, & scary all wrapped into one. i think our attitudes have swapped a la freaky fri.day. i am now of the 'hey- if it doesn't happen now it will happen eventually & we'll just keep trying & doing what we can' mindset. he is now in the 'this absolutely has to work & i can't imagine what we will do if it doesn't' mindset. it is bizarre to be in his shoes as i am sure it is to be in mine. i hope he doesn't crash too hard & i hope i keep my new attitude- even with a failure/negative. but we will just have to wait & see.

and so it begins

we are done. this morning was a bit hectic. i got up early so i could make some coffee, shower, get ready & walk the dog so the hub only had his one task to do this morning. he was definitely feeling the pressure. i had to go sit & wait in the car so as to not add to the pressure. as he got in he disclaimered that it wasn't much. he then raced to the clinic- despite the fact that it's only 25 minutes away & we had the hour to get it there. but we were running a little late for our 9:15 appointment & he wanted everything to be perfect. it was touching & a little scary to see that intensity of purpose in him. it's usually me that is the crazy control freak every month & to not be there & see it in him today was just another surreal experience in this most surreal month.
so we get to the clinic & i bring the sample cup- wrapped in a washcloth under my shirt- in. and i see what he meant by not much. then i have to wait until they call us- the entire time thinking that it won't be enough & we'll be told to go home & try next month. this is seriously the only time i have been nervous all along. and the poor hub. he was so nervous he was clammy! they finally call me back- it really was only maybe 15 minutes- to look at the screen & heck out the sample. in the tech's words- 'your sample is crazy awesome. we usually like to see one or two zipping around in there, but you've got 15-20.' so i gave the hub a high five right there! he had earned it.
after checking that my name & information was correct on everything we were let into our room. they heat the end of the table & they keep the speculum's ina heated drawer- quite nice! the hub stayed up by my head as the lovely woman tried & tried to get the catheter in. she asked if i had ever given birth (which was surprising because i know it's in my chart that i haven't) & then asked if they ever had me cough during any of my testing procedures. she went on to explain that she was threading the catheter through the cervix, which is roughly 5", & it's a bit like a corkscrew. apparently mine is more twisty than some others & it was being difficult. she tried 3 different catheters until she finally got it in. what a weird feeling it was when it went through. i really can't describe it except that it was like a little pop with a whoosh & a cramp. before she got it she apologized for it taking so long, but considering i've never had an iui before i wouldn't have known the difference, and that she would get the other woman if she couldn't get it. she did say that it's not the reason we haven't gotten pregnant- just a quirk of my anatomy making her work a little harder & that she would rather take her time & get it right since we are dealing with 'liquid gold'. it wasn't painful or any more uncomfortable than a pap- so she could have taken a half hour if it meant everyone getting where they needed to go.
she did get it within 5 minutes or so & then it was pelvic tilt with my knees up & heels together for about 5 minutes or so. i had some minor cramping, but nothing even close to the hsg. we were out of the office within the hour of showing up. i was surprised at how quickly it went.
we stopped for breakfast & then my mother-in-law called. the hub shocked me by telling her exactly what we were doing, an almost blow by blow account. he is very very private about our infertility & i thought he really hadn't said much to his parents, but apparently they knew this was today. she thought we were doing ivf, so he explained what an iui is & then let her know that no- i am not pregnant now, we need to wait to find out in 2 weeks. i did have to let the hub know that we are only looking at maybe a 25% chance of this working this month. i have only one egg- which decreases the chances some, but he had a 'crazy awesome' sample- which increases it. i just hope we're in that lucky quarter.
speaking of which- i go in for 7dpiui bloodwork next week, but the week after that i am to take a pregnancy test- they do not do a beta unless you get a positive. so now i just need to decide when to start testing.
oh- and i will need some distracting! at least until 10 dpiui...any help would be as greatly appreciated as all the wonderful & supportive comments have been so far!

very odd feelings

i am not sure how i feel tonight- i feel like i am outside of myself. i have been this way all cycle so far. the whole thing is surreal. i don't quite believe that it's really me that will be having an iui tomorrow. i do; however, have this blissfully calm attitude towards the whole thing. i really do think that this can work. i want this to work so badly, but i don't feel quite as desperate as usual.

further evidence of the strangeness that is my emotions tonight: i had an over 1 hour conversation with my parents tonight. now- i cried horribly (although i hid it) the last time my parents shared some 'family news' that my one cousin was now a dad. i didn't cry- but was so hurt & bitter when the hub told me his friend was now getting married to his now pregnant girlfriend. but tonight- the eve of my one (& possibly only?) iui i am so sureally calm that my mom letting me know that my crazy ass-irresponsible-never talks to me except to give updates about her 8 month old daughter-but still can't support her or the 10 year old she already has-cousin is most likely pregnant again. and the family found out because her poor 10 year old daughter sent a fucking text message to my goddaughter. that's how far outside our tight knit family circle she is.
but the oddest thing is this news really doesn't phase me. i am so far removed from this. it doesn't matter if she has 10 more kids- i will get my one. my baby is out there- just waiting for me & even if it's not now- even if it;s not this year- i am sure that i will have my child in my arms & our family will be complete & perfect. i can face anything because i know it's just a matter of time until i meet my own personal angel. of course- i hope that's sooner rather than later!

yet again- i just have to say a great big thank you for all the positive thoughts & messages. they really do mean so much to me & i would probably not be in this calm zen place as firmly as i am without them.

help is on the way?

Tomorrow @ 9:15. My butt is sore, but this button in the elevator cheers me up!

his first time

today i asked the hub if he was excited about saturday. he said anxious was the more appropriate word. then he said that he wouldn't even get any relief for 2 weeks from this anxiety.

he's about to enter his first 2ww & i don't think he can handle it. lucky for him i am oddly calm (at least right now) and he can drink. (now- he's not a big drinker ever- he rarely drinks & when he does it's the girlie drinks at home & a vodka cranberry when out- i seriously married the most butch & manly punk rock metro boy ever!) i am being very strict with myself & not having a drop after the iui. i usually don't drink during the 2ww, but there are times when i say fuck it- especially when a special occasion pops up or a really dejected day happens. not this month- even though i personally think it's fine to enjoy a drink or two while whiling away the wait (how's that for alliteration!) but i want there to be nothing to look back on & wonder. that's why i am trying very hard to let everything just wash right over me & i will be not partaking of any alcohol or coffee past tomorrow. just so i can't say 'but if i just...'

the hub is another matter- this cycle will be hard for him. i am already resigned to this not working (but still oddly hopeful that it just might) but he is giving this the 'last chance' status. the one thing he said that broke my hart right in two was last night when he turned to me & very softly said "if this doesn't work.... i don't know" with this look of fear & desperation & sadness. he NEVER shows emotion (other than frustration) and certainly doesn't talk about it. he's gotten better, but he still won't talk about fears. i know he wants this as much as i ever have. he is fully invested & i just hope that he never has to feel the true crash of the 2ww. i know whatever i feel at the end of this cycle (if there's an end to this cycle... see- there's that hope!) it will not compare to what he feels. i am seasoned in heartbreak. i know how it feels to watch your friends move forward with the one thing you try so hard to achieve & still feel left behind. i am used to this. he is not. i fear i will have to support him at the end of this & that really scares & saddens me.

thank you to everyone for all the positive thoughts & good wishes- they really have been helping so much! i am still trying to cram a lot into my upcoming 2ww- i am going with friends to see the new batm.an movie in full i-max next week. this weekend is not only the iui, but my friend's daughters birthday party. then i have jury duty & just need to fill up the rest of that last week.
anything you can send me to occupy my time & take my mind of the wait will be greatly appreciated. dirty jokes, funny stories, meme's, confession thursday's, whatever! i'll take it.

since i figured out how to post via cell phone- i will definitely update tomorrow & saturday after the clinic visits- & i HAVE to remember to send a picture from the clinic. don't get too excited- it's not what you think!

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Not quite there. One follie @ 19 on the right. Back tomorrow for another scan & trigger then saturday is i-day.

12 hours

i will know when my iui is. holy crap. this is really surreal.

for the record- i got my fsh results back. not to toot my own horn, but i always ace every test i take- this is no different. my day 3 fsh was 6. my day 11 fsh (day 10 was the 4th) was 8.

so all this means is that there really is no reason we can't get pregnant. the only thing left would be a hostile environment for his swimmers (hee hee- that would so be the case) and since we are doing an iui it doesn't matter if there was a ph issue. i don't even think that my clinic does the post-coital test, but i somehow think we are simply unlucky.

i am more positive, but still not counting on this working. i just can't see it, but i will hope for it.

(i kind of want to carry a tape recorder playing the Indian.a jone.s theme with me tomorrow- it is now stuck in my head from io's comment below & i love it!)

T-2 days- I think

Thank you everyone for the very nice & comforting words on the post below. yes- i do know that she didn't get my baby, or diminish the pool any, but it is the first thought i had- that because she got pregnant (while NOT trying & probably on the pill or something & certainly not married or even planning on it as far as i know....) somehow that means that i won't. which i know is utterly ridiculous- but it is a common feeling. i only indulged it for the afternoon. yesterday i was fighting my way back to my almost zen-like approach to this iui.
it's ironic because just monday afternoon i was commenting to my acupuncturist how calm & relaxed i was with the whole process. it feels surreal-like it's happening to someone else. i am almost completely removed from the process. literally- i just need to show up & someone else is going to work on getting me pregnant. i have already done everything i can (except for one last romp tonight with the hub & perhaps one after the iui) other than that- it's out of my hands. the outcome of this cycle isn't giving me any anxiety- i simply don't believe i am actually doing an iui. someone else is & it really doesn't affect me. i'm sure this very relaxed (hee hee) approach will all change once hit 2ww hell. but maybe not.
the worst part about hearing the news of the hubs friend was seeing his reaction honestly. i'm not all that close with the girlfriend, sure we hang out when we see them- but i wouldn't expect to call her up or go to her shower. they lived on the other side of the country & even though they are moving back to this coast- i still don't expect to see them too often. but this is the hub's first experience with a fertile couple while we are infertile. he never thought of us as infertile until the past few months. and i think it's hit him hard. he couldn't sleep & is now gung-ho on selling every useless item in our house & getting everything done that he can to "get me pregnant" or "get us babies" (he's so sweet, but not so eloquent!), including looking for a better job. it would be very sweet if it didn't also break my heart.

either way- i go in tomorrow morning for what i think is my final scan & b/w before trigger & iui. i think i feel my right ovary. which is really fucking weird. it's like little pulsing sensations. i felt one or two twinges on the left, but righty is much stronger. i swear that i will be right at the point of trigger tomorrow & they will do it there. that means that in two days time- i will be as close to actually getting pregnant as i have ever been- at least in the medical assistance & money spent aspects. if only that's enough.
until then- i am trying to remain/regain my calm peacefulness. and hopefully this will all be worth it very very soon. because i don't really want to think about the alternative of having to put this on hold (art that is- we would never really stop trying)

someone talk me down

the hub has been in a funk all day today. he is depressed & i couldn't figure out how. then he tells me that his really good friend called today- this friend we both grew up with, he used to live with, is just moving back from the left coast. with his girlfriend. his now pregnant girlfriend & they are getting married. they were the first people the hub told we were trying. on new year's eve 2006. they will now be parents. and i am convinced that this won't work. because i will have to go through another friend's pregnancy knowing that they were probably on birth control & weren't married- probably not even considering marriage until this. and now they get to be parents. and i have to force myself to be happy for them. when all i can feel is this knee-jerk reaction that somehow they got our baby instead of us. (i know it's silly- but it does feel like this iui is doomed now because of this little piece of news. why can't we get the 'surprise'?)

and i was so calm & positive about this iui too.

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take two

Today is cd11. I figured out how to post via e-mail from my phone today since the hub took our laptop with him to pick up my laptop.

posting via cell phone was not as successful as i had hoped! take two:

the weekend staff is very sweet & friendly at the clinic. i hadn't met them yet & they were so warm & supportive. i had just said hello to the u/s tech when she says 'we'll just take a peek, see where you are & then work on getting you pregnant!' it was a little too perky & rainbow filled for me, but very positive & nice to hear none the less. i just answered 'i sure hope so because this is the only one we can do for a good many months.'

so she takes a peek & i have one follie on each side- both measuring about 11mm. i know she took a measurement of my lining- just said that everything looks great (i didn't think to get the number until after the appointment, but i will ask when i call for my b/w results)

she then left to let m get dressed & check all the measurements & schedule my next visit. they are going to see me first thing thursday- when hopefully i ill have two big fat juicy follies & get my trigger shot. i was then told to have sex every other day until then & we'll see you then.

i was hoping to have at least one over 9mm. i am thinking that best case i will be ready to go thursday & have the iui friday. worst case- they will want to see me again either friday to monday & the iui will be sometime the following week. either way- i really want to be as positive as my chipper tech & hope this works.

but if it doesn't- i at least have this:

that is my new bike- in pieces in the hatch if the hubs car. it looks scarier than it is- he claims it's in great shape & tomorrow i may have pics of me actually on the bike! yesterday i went out with the hub on the back of his- i hadn't been on his bike in over a year! it was really nice & i was much more comfortable now that i have learned more about it. his bike is a cafe racer- as a passenger it is quit uncomfortable & a bit scary. but i have my full face helmet & i am good to go now! see the next post for the silly picture of 'lady helmet'!

we watched & set off some fireworks in the back alley last night- it was really fun. nothing too big, but it was a good time. i leave you with a few pics of that. i hope everyone's holiday was as relaxing & happy as mine surprisingly turned out to be.

happy 4th

i hope everyone has a great independence day holiday- the hub & i are indulgent today- we slept in until almost 11! pure decadence! i haven't been sleeping very well- perhaps due to the clom.id- but perhaps due to the insane work deadline i've been under. either way- last night was the last pill & we finished all our projects at work & sent them out yesterday. it felt really fucking good- our team essentially did about 6-8 weeks of work in 2-1/2 to 3 weeks. this week alone we crammed a good 3 weeks of work into one. we rocked it out- & did it well. it's a nice feeling to be done with it though.

the hub & i don't have much planned for the holiday- we are 'broke ass poor' (had to steal from io) after paying for the cycle, the motocycle (& having to go & get the damn thing), the normal bills, the oops- there's a bill from my hsg that i forgot about, the 'we haven't actually gone grocery shopping in over a month' bill, the acupuncture & the pills we have very little left for anything. but we have food, some girly drinks the hub likes- one delicious belgian beer for me, and perhaps some fireworks. all in all- it should be a nice holiday spent home!

tomorrow i have my day 11 b/w & u/s. it should be day 10, but duh! holiday! i am really hoping that they see some advanced follie growth. i would absolutely love to ovulate (be triggered) on day 14. then a day 15 iui... okay- shook myself out of my fantasy there. i seriously do think that the pills have helped me- i have actually noticed my pre-fertile cm pretty darn early. i started to notice a little on day 8- that would be a record for me. i usually don't start to see any advancement until day 12 or 13. obviously the real sign (other than the pretty pictures from the wand) will be if/when i see some actual fertile cm. but seeing anything has to be a good sign. right?

wish me luck- i really want this all to go well & i am trying so hard to keep myself calm &peaceful about it, but it does get hard when i think of how much is riding on this. keeping myself calm & slightly detached is very difficult. i am excited & so hopeful for this to work. it makes me very afraid of what the crash could be...

just when i thought it couldn't get worse

i had a bad morning... check it out



seriously- this was too much fun to not do!


on a realistic note- i am now on day 4 of the challenge & so far nothing really- except for a little bit of restless sleep, some feelings of being warm randomly, & the biggest one- a little bit of digestive issues. i have what i am convinced is a mild case of ibs anyway- so if anything is 'off' i really really know it. and things are 'off'. i also have a drastically reduced appetite. which could also be because of the insane amount of busy i have been at work. don't get me wrong though- busy is awesome. i can't focus too much on myself or my hopes for this cycle to end all cycles (yes- totally dramatic for effect there!)

i am also having little mini- motorcycle lessons from the hub. tonight i learned clutch control. which means i start the bike, ease the clutch out & let it ~just~ start to pull me along. we have a back alley/driveway- i went most of the length of it tonight. maybe tomorrow i'll put my feet up for more than .5 seconds... but i don't want to rush it!

and because i got requests & finally found a photo: this is what i will be riding soon- (hopefully in a year though...) either way- i will be a hot mama- motorcycle or baby.

what a week

this is day 7 of iui#1 cycle. if you told me this time last week that i'd be almost halfway through my dose of clo.mid & wondering how to schedule everything for an iui i would have told you you were loca! now that i'm here i am surprised as much by what i'm not feeling as what i am.

i am not feeling too many side effects. i am surprised by this because i am one of those people who doesn't like to take medications. Well- i don't really take ibuprofen or aspirin- i tough out headaches, i tough out cramps, even fevers & colds i would rather just take a day of rest than a pill. if the situation is severe- say a 102 fever (believe me- for me this is like 104!) or, i don't know, an exploding kidney- i will go to the hospital/doctor/pharmacy & pop whatever pill is prescribed that i know i need. but the everyday stuff i don't usually do. when i do have a raging headache that has lasted for far too long- i'll take a single ibuprofen & it works practically instantly. so i've always had this thought that somehow my body is more responsive to medication because i haven't introduced it often. it could be complete psychological bullshit, but that's my story & i'm sticking to it.

so i am surprised that i don't really have any of the myriad of symptoms i was expecting. the first night i was slightly queasy for about an hour after taking the pills. once that went away i got this huge burst of energy & cleaned my entire bedroom- including organizing closet, shoes, & winter clothes for storage. i had one or two moments i would call a warm spell- not really a hot flash at all, just slightly flushed for about 20 seconds. other than that & a little restless night's sleep on sunday- all's good.

another thing that has surprised me was my acupuncture appointment last night. my doc told me she thinks that the clom.id might actually be good for me because it nourishes what i am deficient in. she did tell me to carefully watch any cm since if it is not right then the drug may be depleting something else i don't quite remember. so i am drinking green tea even earlier in my cycle this month. oh- and she seemed to be genuinely disappointed when i told her i was on day 6- meaning that of course last month didn't work. seeing how much hope she has for me always gives me a little boost when i see her.

another thing i don't feel is any nervousness or anxiety over the actual iui itself. i don't know if i expected to, but it feels very matter-of-fact. 'of course we're doing an iui- who wouldn't?' no matter that i am jumping feet first into a treatment cycle without anything more than testing under my belt. i feel like since our financial schedule is so funky- we have the money now, but not for the next couple (6?) months due to too many factors to list - that we are jumping ahead just to wait it out some more.

but i also do not have any anxiety over the outcome of this cycle, yet. i am trying my damndest to distract myself & have many measures in place. we are finishing our first floor & moving our furniture back up out of the dungeon- i mean basement! we are maybe planning on having people over within the month! we bought me a motorcycle. um- hell yeah! so much better than the friend's bike i didn't really want anyway- it's a yamaha- i'll have to post a pic as soon as i find it. it's perfect! very light, very small, only does 90 top speed (believe me it'll be lucky to see 30 anytime before next summer!) and i like the color- candy apple red! i just need to get that coordinating helmet& i will be assured of getting pregnant this month! actually- it'll probably be the next 2 months- i'll pass the course, get my license & maybe get one or two rides in with the hub. just enough to really enjoy it before i have to put it away! (oh how i hope i never get to ride it!)
either way- the outcome of this cycle will be easier to handle. if it doesn't work than i can temper the pain with 300 pounds of metal. if it does- any disappointment over not getting to ride a motorcycle will vanish with the appearance of a second line. i do plan on testing this cycle too- i am debating on taking one after my trigger just to see a second line... i probably won't though. but i think will start at 12 dpiui, at the very least it will be before any beta scheduled- i wouldn't want to hear that news over the phone- whichever way it goes.