still here

well- short version since i have to leave work:

- party was so much fun & hanging with my sis was fantastic!

- loved carving pumpkins- here's a few:

- tom still hasn't gone to the doctor, the shop is not doing great & he's considering closing it up. so- not great, but we'll see what happens. i am still not stressing about things & attempting to take it easy & one day at a time. besides- he has always worked hard & i want him to figure this one out without my input. part of me thinks it would be great to have the stable job & steady income, company paid health insurance & a normal 5 day work week. but i also love him to death & want him to be happy. i don't want him to ever think he 'failed'. this is starting to get away from me & i will come back, but i need to finish my update post!

- when i entered all my temps in today after almost a week (eek!) ff gave me crosshairs at cd 12, then took them away today. if my temp jumps again tomorrow it will say that cd12 was the day. i had ewcm starting that day, or maybe the day before (can't remember), and we did get it on, but i would be completely shocked. that would make me 5 dpo tomorrow- when i would usually be about to ovulate. so who knows. i have no hope for these next few cycles before they even happen, so to me it's just interesting to think i would have ovulated so early. i probably haven't, but it's interesting to think so.

technical difficulties

do not adjust your screen- i am currently experiencing some internet 'issues'. i can't use it at home right now since my computer is hitting the fan as we speak. i have to wait for it to be fixed- which could take another couple days. i really can't use it for this at work- but i just wanted to leave a quick update.

things are crawling along- work is fine- starting to get a little busy. we have our halloween party on saturday & my sis is comingup to stay with me for the weekend. tom & i are still the ramon.es & she is nico- from the velvet un.derground. i will post some pics as soon aas long as my computer is back. it should be really fun- i'm starting to really look foward to it.

nighttime fun

last night i attended my first sex toy party. it went on forever- almost 7 hours! but it was fun! i treated myself to a late birthday- early christmas present. since my husband still hasn't even made a general checkup appointment to get his referral for the s-a. it should be arriving in a discreet package in a few weeks. oh- and dear hubby will be the one purchasing.

i am also making the appointment for him. i keep forgetting to get his card & info & bring it with me to call. but i will. i especially don't understand the reluctance because i have found out this week that ALL initial testing is 100% covered (with referral of course) by our insurance. for him he only needs the referral. i unfortunately do still have to wait until a 365 day period has passed from my last PAP- which puts me at dec. 20th. not too bad because i should be somewhere around cycle day 5 or 6. not enough to get some bloodwork done, but close enough to maybe get 7dpo bloodwork from my referral. so i do have that to look foward to.

tonight i am off to the movies to see the d.arjeeling limit.ed with another good friend for her birthday. i have to say that all of this time with my friends is helping with my second happiness challenge- even if i am technically failing miserably in the actual devotion of 10 minutes to meditation... but i will see how the rest of the month goes.

friendships

i went out to dinner with my best friend last night & we talked about how our friendships have ben changing recently. we have both had the experience with a friend that the relationship is just not what we had anticipated or expected. i posed that in my experience that i felt this was because of me. i put too much into the relationship. i gave more than i got. i expected a different level of friendship than the other person did, or was able to give. i do that a lot. i get close & i love my friends. i would do anything i could for them. but i also expect a little of the same back.

with this friend i am talking about- it's not really one specific person. it's an amalgam of several people over the years, but the lesson remains. people are different. not everyone is going to care as much as i do. not everyone gives friendship like i do. then again, not everyone gets hurt like i do, or takes so much to heart like i do. so my lesson is learned. i am trying to let things roll. i am not taking in assumptions & letting them fester. if someone is not giving me the friendship i want- i have wonderful friends who do. even if it's a little sad & i would love to have that close friendship with more people, it's just not happening. and that's ok. i can stay friendly without investing all of myself into a one-sided friendship. i can take things less personally.

the friends i do have complete my life. they listen to the foul & angry shit i occasionally spew & do not judge me based on it. they know i need to vent sometimes- as do they. they are there every time i call- even if it's just for meaningless chit chat. they care about me. and i love them for it. there is no self-editing with friends, if you are misunderstood you explain, but the friendship remains the same despite (or perhaps because) of that. if you inadvertantly hurt a friend- you apologize & are forgiven because your heart is known by them. i am lucky enough to have never had a single fight with the best friend i ever had- someone close enough to be family. i am grateful for my friends and hope that we can continue through life with this same support. A bit of a ramble to say i am happy...

luck of the draw

so- yesterday was my birthday & it actually turned out to be a pretty good day. it wasn't exactly how i wanted it, but i found some stuff out & can't complain (well too much... i'll get to that)

i was woken up with my usual cup of coffee in bed by my husband. contain yourselves ladies- he's all mine!!! he also brought me a candle, not on anything- no english muffin, just a tea light for me to make a wish & blow out. sweet, funny little man.

work was busy, but in a good way. my manager said hello when i first walked in very cheerfully- a very little thing, but she & i have a sometimes difficult past relationship & every little thing counts. the intern told me she thought i was 23, not 28 (i got a lot of "no kidding!" when i told people how old i am which always makes you feel pretty good). my manager took out our whole group for lunch which was relaxing & fun. when we got back there was double chocolate cake (with milk!) and a pitiful office rendition of happy birthday. it's so funny to be on the receiving end of it! as an office, we really do make "happy birthday" sound like a funeral hymn.

i was told that my hubby had "stuff to do" & couldn't talk to me when I called around 5. i wanted to remind him that the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a doctor's appointment for him, but he sidestepped it. so i go home, having to stop to pick up tampons- yay!- and i walked in to dinner made & a cute little cake with ahppy birthday candles. he also actually got a card, which i think is a first for my actual birthday. it's either gesture, gift, or card. never 2 out of 3. so- cake was really yummy- and i felt absolutely no guilt for eating 2 different cakes- it's my birthday dammit! oh wait- i had cake for breakfast at work yesterday... still-birthday!

i also got a bunch of cards, a couple text messages, a few myspace messages, calls, & a birthday package from my sis. i think it was the most thought of i have felt for my birthday in a long time. and i drank it up! this is why i love my birthday. i love to bask in the warm glow of friendship, love, & caring. it's just too bad it's so concentrated only once a year!

now to the complaint portion- tom has STILL not made an appointment. i have asked, cajoled, pleaded, ordered, bitched, cried, begged, & bribed. today is his absolute last chance. all he needs to do is sit with a doc, get a general physical & checkup & squirt in a cup. except for the cup, it's all covered & painless. and it's ALL i asked for. i didn't want a gift, i didn't want tickets, or jewelry, or flowers. i want a baby. i want to know if there is an issue with one of us. i would love to jump start my appointment, but i can't with my insurance's one year wait. and right now we can't afford to not have the initial stuff covered. not with the shop still taking off & the holidays around the corner. i'm saving him time, money, & effort. well, some effort. but is it really so fucking hard to call and make an appointment! i know it isn't & if one isn't made by the end of the day- i am calling tomorrow & making it for him. happy birthday to my damn self!

* by the way- here is my birthday surprise- a deliciously decadent homemade cake from my hubby (isn't he sweet- despite the fact that he still hasn't made an appointment- more to come on that):

now- for something completely different

i am going to try something new this cycle. i am going to force myself to think positive thoughts only & be calm in every aspect of my life. think it- be it kind of thing. i know how ridiculous i am going to sound & this is not to piss anyone off- but what if i am stressing myself out of a good ovulation- i mean, they have been coming later & later & i have been uber-stressed. it can't hurt- it just might help. it doesn't cost anything & reducing stress is always a good idea.

i was very upset on saturday, mildly upset yesterday. just thinking about fairness & patience & timing & heartbreak. but there is no fairness in trying to conceive your child. there is no way to lessen the wait, or decide when it is time, the only one i can have any control over is my own feelings & emotions. being a hypersensitive person with emotions that flip on like turning on a light- this will be a challenge. i can wallow in my own self-pity for days. but i won't. i will turn it off. maybe i'll even try to pretend i can forget i'm ttc. because something's gotta change & until i can get my horrible insurance to cover some testing- the only factor i can control is me.

god has a sense of irony

c12. cd1. started in a church waiting for my friend's daughters baptism to begin.

thanks. message received.

other than that- great day.

well. now i just wait

today's temp was up a little, but i also slept in about an hour. the cramps, sore boobs, nipple tenderness are all still here- so much for the BFN making symptoms disappear. also, my internal signs (so to speak) are not showing that AF is coming soon, but she is a sneaky bitch. we have a baptism to go to today- so i will be bringing some back up & not be wearing white...

last night friends came over & watched Rm. 1408. If anyone hasn't seen it- it was interesting. i love love love john c.usak, but there was an additional plot twist that had me in tears. which was odd since it's a horror-thriller. it was about john's character's sick daughter- kind of heart wrenching & completely caught me off guard. then there's a horror twist that was so unexpected. overall the movie was okay, it had some cheesy horror stuff in it & not enough of the black thriller that i like. but not too bad for a saturday night with friends.

but the hanging out with friends part of the evening was fantastic! it was like a little time warp back to college (kind of). let's just say that the men made s.pam pizzas. they looked as disgusting as it sounds, but they ate them up. us girls had grown up grape juice (concord wine literally tastes like grape juice!) and regular pizzas. very relaxing.


* i just want to apologize to my friend M- yesterday you were trying to help me think positively & i was caught up in my bfn induced funk. i just want you to know that i appreciate every kind word & i am sorry i have been a bit of a shitty friend lately. i've been way focused on this cycle & my dread of hitting a year & i haven't been as good a friend as you have been to me. and knowing that you check out my blog & honestly truly care about all this stuff means the world to me. but in an effort to be a better friend- i will post it here instead of yet again steering all our conversations to my world. oh- and it will be a wonderful birthday. as long as we get cake! ;o)

you inspire me to be a better, less selfish person. thank you for your sympathetic ear & putting up with all my drama. i am working on making it less dramatic!

2 early presents

bfn & a huge temp drop. yay!

and i used to love my birthday so much.


by the way- i just want to say thank you to everyone for all the good thoughts- it's nice to know that you are out there pulling for me & i appreciate it. i'm okay, like i said yesterday- hope is a bitch when she gets out of hand. but now i have a goal for next month to have even better timing & stay calm & relaxed so maybe i ovulate on time & get a 'good' egg...



update- nope- not okay. i just got off the phone with my cousin- the only other member of my family (other than my wonderful sis) who even knows we're ttc. she tried for a few years for her son & has gone through all this. and i couldn't even really talk to her today because as soon as i started i could feel the tears. i have to get a new license today & can't cry. i don't want to look puffy for the next 4 years. dammit- this really really sucks.

so that didn't really work the way I thought

my 'phantom' symptoms are still pretty much here. add nipple tenderness, loss of appetite, and food generally tasting off to the list.

i woke up this morning with the biggest urge to poas, but chickened out. my reasoning is that i'm only 11 dpo, while for some women this can definitely give a positive- especially if these are gulp 'real' symptoms(believe me i doubt that!) when i saw the inevitable negative i would still hold on to hope tight. telling myself it's just too early. that torture is why i don't test early. i talk myself into even more symptoms and pipe dreams after an early (er) bfn, than if i just wait or test at at least 13 dpo. i believe a later bfn much more & they've actually gotten to the point that it's not as horrible as it used to be. oh- it's still gut-wrenching to see the empty space where that beautiful second line isn't, but at least it causes hope to pack her bags & move on for a while.

i am pretty sure that second line isn't going top show up on sunday when i do test. i know all this stupid hope & these ugly symptoms are a figment of my mind & normal pre-af hormones. plus my temps are slowly falling. but... and i know you've been dying to see yet another chart... i think that my temps ended up looking better this month. any & all chart stalkers- please feel free to give an interpretation- this month is the pink, the last 2 months on there as well. pinned at coverline & ovulation. my temps are overall higher & nicer this month, right? (sorry for the super fuzzy pic- my computer at home sucks as far as accessory programs go)

countdown

this post is to try to clear my mind of all the 'symptoms'. i figure if i list them & look at them, maybe they will go away. of course- testing on sunday will probably be the only way to really get rid of them!

1. my boobs are tender & heavy. i am not constantly punching on them
to check if they are still tender or hurt- thry just do. (chalking up
to progesterone)

2. i can feel my uterus or i am at least very aware of it. (of course i
am aware of it- it has been the main focus of my life for almost a
year!)

3. slight cramps today. (umm- completely normal for 4 days before af
shows up)

4. i swear i am smelling things more intensly. (this one is completely
in my head)

5. i am bloated. (just throwing it in there)

6. i have been getting turned off by food lately- today i really wanted
a little chocolate & the thought of actually eating it made me
feel ill. (this better fucking mean i'm pregnant because if not that
is one cruel, cruel joke- i can always eat some chocolate!)


okay- i am now going to stop thinking about these completely. that's the thing about hope- i am glad she's back because what if this IS the cycle- i would want my pregnancy to start by being hopeful. but if it's not the cycle the letdown will be that much worse.

but i think i am okay with that. i know i can & will pick myself up & move on. i know that i can take these next few cycles before starting testing & possibly treatment. i know that in the long run a couple more cycles mean nothing. i seem to have found my faith again- i do believe that i'll get pregnant. i just need to keep miss hope on a short leash & not let her run wild...

up, up, and away

okay- now i promise this is the last post about my stupid chart (well, maybe..) but it looks like granny egg is finally doing something right- check out this nice upward pattern!






and i was worried about my low temps the first two days. even though i don't have much hope for this cycle- a little has started to creep in. which scares the hell out me, but also makes me feel a little better too. at least i still can hope a little. even if the let down is worse.



i just wish that pretty chart = pretty bfp...

who doesn't love a punk rock wedding!

so much fun! the adventure was in getting there in the first place. about 40 minutes in we stopped dead because a cop had closed off the highway- for a tortoise. a great big angry snapping tortoise. she spent almost half an hour trying to get it off the road with a shovel.

then we got stuck in traffic for an accident further down. another half hour. then we made through most of the nj turnpike without incident, but somewhere on rt 17 we got a flat tire. you would have thought tom was prepping for a pit crew job at nascar- he had that puppy off & the donut on in less than 8 minutes! then about a minute after getting onto the ny thruway all traffic ground to a halt. backed up from the toll booths to nj. it took us almost an hour to get through what normally takes 20-25 minutes. by the time we got to the hotel it was 3:40 and the wedding started at 4. needless to say we were scrambling!

i saw the bride's sister & nephew waiting in the lobby. we weren't even dressed yet! luckily i had done my makeup in the car. we checked in, got into the room, ironed my dress & his shirt, did my hair and ran back out. it was then 4:02. luckily we grew up there & getting to the wedding venure was pretty quick & easy. we walked up to the doors just as they were ushering everyone in to start the wedding. good thing too- because it was the fastest ceremony i have ever witnessed. it literally took longer for the whole wedding party & parents to get down the aisle than it did for them to get married! we stood up for the bride to walk down (she was beautiful by the way!) and then stood just long enough to realize that we couldn't hear a word that was being said, look around & no one else around us could either, look back up & the bride & groom are kissing & everyone claps!

it was a lot of fun- we got to see some old friends & hang out. we actually danced together- no small feat for tom who is not a dancer! i had one shy of one too many & by the time we got back to the hotel & had fun date night drunken sex i was done- i didn't even get to meet up with the bride & groom for the after party- which i had really wanted to do. but we'll just have to get together without a big event for an excuse next time. oh- and even with no time to get ready- i still looked super cute! Tom was not quite ready for the photo & everyone called him a hippy because of his hair.

well- i am 6 dpo today- af & my birthday are a week away & i have the baptism of my friend's baby next sunday. i really needed this little break & time spent alone with Tom.

by the way- what the heck are you supposed to get for a baptism- money?

reunion time

well- a semi-reunion will be happening tomorrow at my best friend from high school's wedding. i can't wait to go! the bride & groom got matching chuck taylors with 'mr.' & 'mrs.' embroidered on the back seam. she is getting her half sleeves done instead of going on the honeymoon (she's a teacher & couldn't take off anyway). i haven't seen her in over a year-she came by when she was in town for a conference. of course- i was swollen about 2 sizes bigger & hobbling around with a cane- it was about a week after my surgery.

i am going to get a dress now with tom- i really want to look super cute (and be comfy enough to cut loose & dance my ass off!) since it's a little more casual wedding- i am thinking a cute long summer dress... wish me luck finding it- nothing like procrastination, hey!

update- because i know you are all on pins & needles!:

i found a dress- the complete opposite of what i thought i would get- it's short, with longer sleeves & a cute cream & black pattern- very 60's shift. here's some pics- oh and the shoes are so killer- very sexy! the dress is a lot straighter on me- oddly good looking since i am so curvy- i will post some pics of me actually in it after i get all gussied up.

about freaking time

sorry to keep posting about my stupid chart- but my temperature has finally spiked up to where i think it should be. man- that little beep beep in the morning has been the bane of my existence lately. i had a dream last night that i took my temp twice- so when i woke up this morning i wasn't entirely sure i hadn't already done it.

then when i went to check it i thought it said 97.70. respectable enough- still way higher than my first 2 post-o temps, but not where i wanted it to go. i checked one last time before entering it in to ff- thankfully i just hadn't held the button in to recall the last temp- 98.05. thank you corpus luteum for finally getting your butt into gear. what else would i expect from this late bloomer little follie.

i wonder if a miracle happened & i was pregnant- would my kid always be late...

finally

big, fat, solid, red crosshairs. i have officially ovulated with the best timing yet.

of course- i had some pretty low post-o temps the first 2 days, thankfully shot up to my normal range today but i will still be obsessively checking it every morning to make sure it stays there & doesn't indicate a progesterone problem.

of course- i also ovulated 5 days past my previous 'normal later' ovulation on cd18. cd23. ack. does this mean the egg was too old to be fertilized, or do i still have a chance?

of course- since ovulation was pushed off so long i am now due to get my period or test ON MY BIRTHDAY! i am so unhappy about this. either way it means that turning 28 will suck. the entire day i will have to try to not think about the fact that i am a) bleeding, or b) not going to be pregnant at 27.
why does it matter to be pregnant at 27? i don't know. it's just one more thing to mark the passing of a year. oh- plus my mom had me at 27 and- like hearing from her that she could hang her underwear next to my dad's on the clothesline & get pregnant- it's another negative comparison in my own mind. i know my mom never struggled to have us- she just thought "hey- a kid would be great- i'll stop bcp's" & BAM- one month later she got her 2 pink lines. i know she never had a BFN.

so- although comparisons to my mother are not something i should be doing- fertility is not hereditary- i can't fucking help it. this birthday will suck. there is nothing i can do about it. hopefully meditating every day (i am trying to be consistent!) will help with this month.

countdown begins

so- i am pretty sure that 2 things will happen on my birthday- (12 days away)

1. AF will show up as all signs point to me being 2 dpo now. (hopefully)

2. my hubby will not have even made his doctors appointment & there will be bloodshed. or at least lots of screaming & crying.

i am beyond frustrated that he hasn't even made a doctors appointment for a general check up, much less an analysis. i understand his hesitation & reluctance to 'go in a cup' (as he so eloquently puts it), but to just get a simple check up & basic bloodwork to make sure he is a healthy human male- that i do not get. so far i am the researcher- i am fine with this role as i would obsessively look up information anyway- hell, we have already talked about IUI vs IVF, donor eggs & sperm & where we think we stand on those options as of right now. and there hasn't been a single test yet.

so control freak me- i want this done- i want to know if we can rule him out so i can be better prepared to hear that i do have an issue. i want to know that he is healthy- period. i told him that this was the only thing i wanted for my birthday. it costs $30-$100 & i was willing to pay for it. nothing else would make me as happy as knowing he took the initiative to be an active participant in this process- aside from the obvious moments.

it's a good thing i am trying the 2nd happiness challenge- i think i'll be off now to start it out properly.

help

help comes in all different forms, usually when you least expect it. lately i have been feeling so anxious- what with work issues (mainly of my own making) and my year anniversary coming up. I hate anxiety- it takes me over completely. i get anxious about things that don't even happen- just the possibility of things happening (or not happening) is enough to set me off. it's so hard to shake. plus anxiety only tends to breed more anxiety. none of this is good for me right now. i am less focused overrall & even though i know the whole 'just relax' thing is bullshit- i still think it can't be good to get panicked & stressed at the drop of a hat, especially when i can already see that my ovulation keeps getting later & later- currently 4-6 days past 'normal'.

so last night as i was surfing around all the blogs i saw the second happiness challenge, here. i really think it was meant to be. i keep telling myself i need to do something to relax more. to enjoy & unwind a little better. my brain knows these things, but i think the message keeps getting caught up somewhere. so i am going to do the happiness challenge & meditate every single day for a month. i'm not sure how easy it will be, but maybe i need to be pushed a little harder by outside forces to allow me to do this for myself. we'll see how i do...