news

i have been lax on posting lately. although i've never had a huge readership, i do miss getting the few comments i do get when i post! i am way behind on leaving comments myself & hopefully today is a nice lazy day i get to do just that!

the quick recap:

-christmas was awesome. my sister & bil came up (they are so great with that & we really owe them a trip to see them soon!) they did perfect on presents- one each for all of us- including the dog! they chose well too, as did we. all gifts were personal & thoughtful, yet not breaking the bank- exactly what we wanted. they got pumpkin a baby remote so she could have her own & leave mommy & daddy's alone. she loves it! please note though- it is yet another baby item that bears a close resemblance to male gam.etes... along with her spoons that she absolutely loves & the hub hates!
-my folks surprised us by coming up the day after christmas- even though they swore they weren't traveling until after the holiday you literally couldn't keep them from their granddaughter! they spoiled her rotten & she was pretty much showered with gifts from them...
-new years was pretty perfect. we went out for japanese with our friends & pumpkin was very well behaved- even winning over the world's grumpiest waiter! dinner was delicious & we got dessert & watched movies at home to ring in the new year. the obligatory neighborhood fireworks scared the dog & woke up the baby, and then she was up a few times due to getting her 3rd tooth (1st front tooth). she is currently extremely clingy & cranky, but the good news is that she does say 'mama'. the bad news is she only says it with a miserable little cry, but i still love it! especially since i know she means me! she is getting so big so quickly, the past 9 months have flown by quicker than anything i could ever have imagined. she is a little girl now- full of personality, fearless & determined, but sweet & happy at the same time. she is more than i ever hoped for!

as we said goodbye to 2009 i have to say that i am not sad to see it go. it may ultimately be the fitting end to a decade that had the best & worst in it. (even though technically next new years is truly the end of the decade, but who's counting- other than historians...) i have seen a roundup of the decade on quite a few blogs in the past few days, and while i don't have the patience to go through every year i would like to reflect on the high (and low) lights of the past 9 years.

-2000 started off with me moving myself down to my current little city for college. my first move on my own- no built in support system of friends i've known for my entire life & living on my own (albeit in a dorm apartment) for pretty much the first time. the hub was still the boyfriend and was on tour with his band. i got serious about school & after a break up & then getting back together- the hub & i got serious(er) about each other.

-the next 3 years include lots of school- hard work, not quite enough partying for a respectable college student, making great lifelong friends & testing myself & my relationships- all typical early 20-something stuff.

-2003-2005 found me getting into my career. the real education begins after college graduation. this time period the hub & i also moved twice- finally into our own home. we got married (almost exactly 5 years ago now) and i quit smoking and started at my current firm.

-2006 was a little crazy health wise- it was the year of the kidney. being rushed to the er and subsequently finding out that i had an undiagnosed congenital defect slowly killing my right kidney for the last 26 years that was now on the verge of turning septic & possibly killing me were it not found, was not so fun. neither was living with a stent for months while figuring out if i needed to have my kidney removed. or actually having it removed. or recovering. but i got through it & am now as close to 100% as possible. and pretty unaffected by the year of the kidney.

-2006-2008 was the ttc years. dealing with some crazy life stuff (never ending kitchen renovation & the hub's attempt at owning a business that was thwarted by bad partnership, a roommate that while a great friend caused a ton of tension) all added to the frustration and heartache that typically come with ttc & if. finally in 2008 we started with an re- all tests come back fine- officially 'unexplained infertility' and we start to scrape everything we have left together for a last ditch clomid challenge test combo with iui #1. knowing it's a long shot we are prepared for either more answers, or more frustration as we wait to save up for more iui's. surprise- bfp! july 26th is the happiest day of my life.

-2008-2009. fairly uneventful pregnancy. ~love~ being pregnant & savor almost every moment. fallout with the mil- stress i don't need. then comes the last week of being pregnant & gaining almost 8 pounds of water- hello induction for possible pre-e. 15 hours of induced labor & 3 hours of pushing & here's pumpkin. the perfect little girl with curly hair & a good set of lungs. but only get to see her for 30 seconds before she is whisked to nicu for inhaled meconium. finally get to see her 7 hours later & it's love at first (2nd) sight. after a little bumpy road we both get this nursing thing down & she grows like a weed. an amazing little girl who hits her milestones without breaking a sweat- she continues to amaze us. we can't imagine life without her- and though the memories are now fuzzier- every second of heartache was worth it for her.

-2009 is also the year that brought a shortened work week, a very scary audit & 2 layoffs within 3 months. um- no income and 2 parents home with an infant... life is hard. even so we are able to take a few trips to see family & a big couple plane rides and we meet nancy! i am surprised to actually get my job back and the office moves too. we experience our firsts as a family all year long, but every day makes me thankful to be here, with my wonderful family. i look forward to 2010 as being better than this past year has been- in all ways except one. having our pumpkin this year makes it all worthwhile. every hard month, every day wondering whether we would have enough to pay the bills, just looking at our miracle i knew we'd make it through. and while we aren't there quite yet- we are good. we are happy, if not yet comfortable. we are appreciative & blessed. i can still say that 2009 technically sucked in many ways & it's hard to not get better from here. i am looking forward to this next year of first birthday, walking, talking toddlerhood. hoping to be moving forward in my career, but remembering to take the time for enjoying my hard won miracle family.

here's to a happy new year for all. and a wonderful new decade ahead.

best laid plans

still figuring this whole knitting thing out- this was supposed to fit a 9-12 month old baby... guess I need to work on that gauge thing- but merry christmas to me! it only took a week too!

ones & twos

today is pumpkin's first snowfall (at home that is- it snowed when we visited nancy, but we didn't go out in it) I just bundled her up- tights, leggings, jeans with fleece pants over all of it, a long sleeve onesie, tee, fleece jacket & then nylon windbreaker type jacket, gloves & a hat. and of course shoes. all for a grand total of 5 minutes outside. 1 stand in the snow, 1 sit & 1 fall backwards. i of course was able to take a ton of pictures in those 5 minutes. i am experimenting with different color saturations at the moment- i really like how desaturating the image brings out the detail of the snowflakes & of course her eyes & lashes!



she seemed to like the snow all right (well- tolerate it at least) as long as i held her or was right there with her. the second she sat alone she started to cry.
we walked over to say hi to a neighbor clearing off her car & i snapped a few more close ups of the snowflakes that stay on her eyelashes...

the hub is out plowing the streets with a neighbor & we may be having a little hot cocoa & watching movies the rest of the day in our pj's.

pumpkin also got tooth number 2 this week. she was a little crankier than usual one day after being up more than usual during the night. i thought i caught a glimpse of something- stuck my hand in her little mouth & was promptly bit by 2 little chompers! the one from last month& a teeny one just poking through the surface. her sleep has been much improved since then. she does wake up once or twice between 3 & 5, but before i can drag myself out of bed she's back down, which has been pretty sweet.

my work holiday party was last night & was as always a lovely warm fuzzy time. it was nice to feel some love & got a gorgeous collage frame to jazz up our walls from my secret santa. perhaps one of the shots from today will make it in. i am really hoping that the snow sticks around until christmas- it's been so sad to have the bare brown ground- either way though- this christmas will truly be memorable. unbelievable & surreal, but making new traditions with my daughter- that is a christmas i have imagined for so long that the reality still feels like fantasy. like the magic & miracle that it truly is.

the best thing

my 8-1/2 month old baby girl was a perfect little diva yesterday for our christmas photo shoot. i am still in disbelief that i get to send these with our christmas cards!

a couple of my favs from yesterday. can you believe i found this dress at a goo.dwill? total vintage beauty!

de-motivate

last night i watched the big.gest lose.r finale- i am totally addicted to that show & combined with nancy's post the other day it all has pretty much inspired me to eat better & try to get moving more. exercise is difficult for me at the best of times as i lose interest quickly. i need a gym & a trainer switching it up to see results. anytime i've tried on my own i have quit before i really got anywhere. now it seems doubly hard- i definitely don't have any extra money- much less the $60-100 a month for a gym membership (not to mention personal training is even more & i can't even afford to take individual classes at $10 a class). then there's the pumpkin. if i am not working i want to be home & hanging out with her. the weather is crappy so we are not getting outside at all really & while i do get on the floor & play with her & do 'baby lifts' where she is my weights (which she adores!) it's not enough. my body needs cardio to burn anything. i do see some results with diet so i am going to try very hard to be consistent with that. but i also don't want to jeopardize my milk supply so i can't go too extreme!

i am uncomfortable in my skin these days. i want to be able to wear all the clothes i have- no- i need to be able to wear all my clothes because i literally can not afford to get new ones. and i refuse to buy anything bigger than a size 10. my goal is to have my size 10's be put away as my 'fat' clothes (obviously i don't think a 10 is fat- for a lot of women- my own mother- that is a goal size & completely average. but i am 5'3 & my own personal goal is to be a 6- or at least a 8 with some room for big meals!) i think i will need to lose between 10-15 pounds to meet this goal & i know that will not happen without a serious effort & exercise. i already eat fairly healthy- can always improve though!- and i need to get off my ass. the hub & i are looking for a treadmill/elliptical- anything on the 'free' sections that we can use in the morning or after she goes to bed. i want pumpkin to grow up seeing her parents healthy & happy & active & wanting to be like that. i want her to consider exercise just another normal part of the day- not a chore like i do. and to do that i need to change my own mindset. it's hard- it's so easy to say nevermind- it's fucking cold & rainy & i don't want to do anything. that will be my battle!

I am starting to worry my supply is dropping... I max out at 5oz during day & only get 2 @ night. Pumpkin will drink 9-12oz. Argh!

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eight is great

pumpkin turned 8 months on thursday. i have an eight month old... wow. i have a crawling, cruising, self-feeding, babbling, lip smacking perfect little eight month old daughter. one that looks at me & says 'bwabwabwabwa' in a dramatic stage whisper. if you told me this just 2 years ago at this time i wouldn't have known whether i could believe in it or not. 2 years ago at this time i was in the throes of ever-hopeful,ever-crushing ttc. before we went to the re. before we got any testing or any semblance of cycling going on. we had been trying on our own for over a year & i was worn out. our marriage had taken it's fair share of hits along the way & life in general was a series of things to get through, not something to revel in & live.

last year was about waiting. enjoying the moment before it all began. being grateful to be pregnant, but anxious to meet our girl. wondering if everything would be ok & what she would look like, be like. wondering if family dynamics would ever be the same & how the hub & i could be parents & partners.

this year has not been easy- in fact we have faced more challenges this year than ever before. from a feud (viscious at times) with a family member, to an audit right before pumpkin was born, a long labor & even longer recovery, a visit to the hospital at 4 days old, layoffs & unemployment, stress & home renovations on no budget... any one of these will challenge a relationship. throw in the stresses of learning to parent & trust in your partners abilities to not only parent- but become the primary caretaker while you work & any relationship gets strained. any person will feel pressure & stress. the challenge is dealing with it effectively & making it all work for you. the hub & i are getting pretty good at rolling with the punches- even the ones that feel like k.o.'s. i have seen the best in us along with the worst & the best far outweighs. i have a partner who literally can fix anything (except old christmas lights) and who has single handedly torn apart & put back together our kitchen (done except the floor & some paint!). he is a patient & loving father. he will be the spoiler who can't say no. he encourages far more than i ever would have thought & is so gentle & sweet with our girl. while i always hoped & thought he would make a good dad- i never expected him to be such an amazing father - especially a stay at home one!

i learned that i am thrifty beyond compare. i can stretch a buck like no one's business & i can teach myself to do things i never would have thought of- like learn how to knit in a weekend so i could make a scarf (requested by my sis for christmas) and then turn that into making sweaters & blankets & being able to give something handmade with love rather than spending money i frankly don't have whenever i want to give a gift. i learned i can live without a lot of things in order to have the things i've learned matter most to me. i've learned i have a much more relaxed parenting style than i would've ever imagined- but there are a handful of things i over-freak out about (fear of pumpkin falling from any height when someone else as here chief among them). i have learned that assvice doesn't phase me- unless someone implies what i am doing is wrong. then i become a momma bear on yo' ass! i have learned i am more confident in myself since having her. i am more outgoing (even if no one else noticed this- it's pretty huge for me!) and i trust my instincts & decisions. i am happiest with the simplest of things- friends & family, a nice glass of red wine & relaxing after a long day of work. this time of year used to be my hands down favorite. then for a few years it became a time of dread. it's hard to forget that feeling & i honestly hope i never do. i am thankful (in retrospect) for every step of this journey- even the ones i never thought i'd be strong enough to take. the ones where i was sure i would fall & not be able to get back up- i am grateful i had to take them to make me stronger & better. and if even one step missed along the way meant that i wouldn't be here watching this perfect child suck her perfect thumb... then i am so glad i had to take them all.

thank you. in this season of reflection, family & celebration, thank you for my dream come true.

The big city wears a girl out

We all had a great, but exhausting, time on our excursion to the great big city to the north. Pumpkin was awesome considering 1-1/2 hours total naps & being awake till almost 11:30! No wonder she's passed out now on the train back!

fancy

tomorrow i am off to a fancy industry party... like super fancy with dresses & makeup & sparkly jewelry. i have so many posts to comment on but between a wonderful thanksgiving & seeing family & a crazazy deadline at work to meet before i could go tomorrow i have a very full plate indeed! pumpkin is going with us (especially since i get a free room at a super snazzy boutique hotel!) and we will just maybe have some wonderful photo op moments- none more so than me squeezing my post baby bod into a fitted red satin dress...

i will attempt to get to commenting for real this weekend & maybe have some photos & actual thoughts of my own to share by then too!