spent

i am currently in the most mentally & emotionally bruised & battered state. i haven't really slept (more than 2.5 or 3 hours at a time) in over 2 weeks. little bear is going through some trifecta of teething/cold/separation anxiety that means he is attached to me for hours at night since i am at work all day. the hub has thrown his back out once, pulled a muscle in his back once & has had an annoying throat tickle couch for the past 2 weeks too. he's slept on the couch more nights than not. given our current combined sleep deprivation i am honestly very surprised we are still married & in the same house. he gets tired and he gets cranky- and mean. and he says things he doesn't mean and the things that seem innocent on paper sound nasty out of his sleep deprived mouth. and i am not much better. my resolve for more patience- yeah- that's been a distant dream lately. i am trying, but success is very hard. usually i am good with the kids- but the hub gets the brunt of all of it. we have had more fights than i care to think about. it's also extremely difficult to be patient with someone that you currently really don't like. at all. i want peace, niceness, concern & respect. right now i have a selfish, self-centered brute who can't separate his pain (which believe me i understand and empathize with) from lashing out at his wife & partner. so i am not feeling like providing much support or help. not when the only thing i get in reciprocation is nasty foul mouthed berating for what i don't do. never recognition for all the things i actually do. it's frustrating and hard all around and i am really just hoping little bear gives us a break soon.

pumpkin is starting to add to the sleep deprivation as well from an unexpected but welcome source. potty training. she is 75% trained. she wears no diapers at all now- just at night since we really are trying to get just a little sleep... lazy- maybe, but i physically can't get up more at night than i already am. she has even started 'doing it all' in the potty as of 2 days ago. all of this is awesome & yes- i am that mom of a toddler focused on bodily functions! the only downside to all of this is the timing- she has started to hate being wet & wakes up at 4:30am to get changed. this is not a fun time as it is smack in the middle of little bear's only 3 hour stretch at night. so now my only shot at any form of sleep is gone. which is really really not helping the overall mood in the oasis house. it is currently more a fiery pit of hell around here (maybe i am slightly exaggerating...)
i don't even have a break at work now- my boss has left (quit/retired- it's semantics at this point) officially he was offered to relocate with his position to another state, unofficially i think is a completely different story. but i am now boss-less. i report to the next level up and i am the only member of my department now. all decisions made by me. it is an exciting and terrifying place to be. there is a lot going on, a lot to keep track of, and i am the only one to do it. i am close to overwhelmed at work, completely overwhelmed at home, feeling like i am on my own wherever i look. i need the hub to suck it up & be a real support right now- especially since there was word of my position moving with my boss's to this other state- i might have a position here still, but it won't be the same one & i don't know yet what it would be- what that means for career advancement or salary or any of that. it is a difficult place to be wherever i look & it's not made easier by yelling/cursing/cranky bastard hub...oh- yeah... he also insists we get a new home for my 7 year old dog. who is incidentally the best dog on the planet. and all because he doesn't really like him anymore and is tired of having to vacuum the house every day. because you wouldn't have to do that anyway with 2 under 3- right?
just tell me it will all get easier soon. i need a fairy tale middle here. i can't wait for the end! my in-laws are coming in 2 weeks for 2 weeks & i am traveling for a week of that time- so maybe i will sleep then? if i haven't dropped dead of pure exhaustion first!

Resolve

As is fitting the season I have been thinking of my goals and aspirations for the year. I have been dealing with a lot these past few years & I am afraid it has all taken a toll. I am not 100% myself anymore. I have lost or misplaced parts of who I was that I miss, I want them back. I have gained things that I cherish (strength, wisdom, financial restraint, the ability to let go- of uneeded stuff/objects, one sided friendships, old hurts) but I have lost so much as well.
My marriage is wounded. We are both feeling burnt from the last few years & 3 years of babies, not sleeping, major financial strain, new jobs, layoffs, parent health issues have made us lash out at each other as we save the very best of ourselves for our children and the world outside. It is draining, and it is chipping away at our trust and regard for each other. I am not the wife I want to be right now & I am hoping to catch myself again before it gets worse. I want the warm happy feelings, the glow & the overwhelming feeling that I am with my other half, my true partner, to return. I want to stop being so short & critical with him- and for him to treat me with more respect & appreciation for all I do.
I have been so stressed, so wound that I am snapping at Pumpkin far more than deserved. I know it is common & I know we'll work through it, but I don't like this part of me. My resolve for them is to be more patient, more understanding. I want them to have the idyllic childhood we all wish we had. I want cookies baked & crafts done, stories told and the fondest of memories to look back on. I want strong, independent, sweet, kind & creative adults to blossom. I don't want them to look back and say 'mom & dad did/n't do x, so now I am lacking something I should have had'. This year I am feeling the pressure of many forces and wanting to rise to challenges better.

The remainder of my goals are pretty much stock:
-lose 15 pounds
-eliminate debt
-have savings grow
-take a real vacation
- start a garden & eat fresher/smarter/healthier
-remember to take a little time just for me
-knit like crazy because I love it & am good at it
-get Pumpkin potty trained
-be in more pictures instead of just taking them (and print them out!)
-make time for the true friends in my life, but let go of trying to force friendships to last if they've run their course.
-be more organized

Looks like enough for a year.