i am in a funk. i thought i had shaken it, but i haven't. last night i went to see the satc movie with a bunch of ladies. (*spoiler alert if you want to see it- skip to the second paragraph)i couldn't stop crying when charlotte announced her pregnancy. as she was talking about how 'her doctor told her when some couples stop trying it happens' and she started crying- cue waterworks for me. i don't know if i was crying more because i am a total sap & really do cry at all that stuff in movies- or because it perpetuates the myths & paints a rainbow filled picture of IF that i can't ever imagine being real. for me- i am starting to face down the reality that i am truly infertile. and i may never get to be charlotte- with her beautiful adopted daughter & a surprise pregnancy. i just wish that i could transport myself into that movie & character & bypass the heartbreak, wait, wonder, desperation, & worry. i just want a little hollywood magic in my too real life. is that too much to ask for?
i now move on to waiting again. my period sees to be done- which is nice because yet again it was much quicker & far less painful than usual. i really want to say it gives me hope that my body is doing something, but i feel like i have to check that hope & stop it short. it's just getting too hard to recover from the hope hangover. it's also getting harder to imagine myself actually being a mother. i am getting depressed & cranky. i am bitching & snapping more at the hub. we make up moments later- but i know it's the stress of not knowing why we can't get pregnant & not being able to move forward with treatments. i am seriously considering seeing a psychic just so i can have someone tell me that yes or no i am looking for. the not knowing. that is what rips me apart every month. i still can't resign myself to it not ever working- i sometimes think that would be much easier to live with. but... i am fighting that with myself since i don't want to have to resign myself to that. it's exhausting. i am fighting my naturally hopeful & optimistic nature to protect my heart. but i am also fighting that tactic since i really want to be a mother & i can not repress the hope that this month could be the one. i also really don't like the bitterness that boils up at random moments now.
my friend & i were talking about things the other night & she mentioned how great i was taking all this stuff & how wonderfully i seem to be dealing with things. she thinks i am very collected & together! ha! i had just finished tearing up talking about the different methods of art we could look at & why most of them aren't for us. and how if we did finally get to move on to IUI's & it didn't work we were done. adoption is a very long way off for us (as ivf would be) due to our limited resources right now. it's proving hard enough to scrape up a few extra thousand (maybe a hundred a month gets put away) for a few tries with the RE. i can't imagine getting adoption fees or the cost of ivf together. (although we already decided long before seeing an RE that ivf would not end up being an option for us- if it comes to that i would much rather spend the money & the waiting for adoption).
i just couldn't imagine how i could be seen as being strong & together with this. i feel like i am falling apart a little more each day. i am still trying to put the pieces back together though. maybe a little cuddle time with the hub is in order this weekend. i aways feel a little stronger after spending a day in his arms.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
getting there with a little help from my friends
i do feel better today. i had acupuncture tonight & brought all my charts again for her to keep- she was so excited about this last one. she did say that she could see how that would make it harder, that a chart difference like that can get your hopes up. she told me not to get too down and that i still have time on my side. which i do know, but believe me- it doesn't feel that way from this side. i know she means so well & i do really like her- even she was pulling for me this month! if good intentions could get you pregnant you all would have me there!
i really appreciate all the kind words- i can not even express how much it helps to see that "comment needs moderation" e-mail. each one makes me feel less alone, each one of you makes me feel validated in feeling so down about this, and oddly enough- that makes it go away quicker. strange, huh?
i had to call today with my day one- even though i have no chance of doing anything with my clinic for at least another month. the nurse was very sweet & let me know i could still do the clo.mid with blood tests, for around $300 (there's an ultrasound in there somewhere) i let her know that i would rather save up & wait a little longer & get the full experience. for the extra $700 i get constant monitoring & blood draws, as well as the medication. (at least i learned that!) if i am going to pay that much for a test/chance i want it to be the best i can get. and that means no leaving us to our own devices in terms of timing. i want to know 'to the hour' when that sucker is gonna pop. my re claims he can tell... we'll put him to the test. eventually. i even said i wanted to get more 'bang for my buck' which cracked up my nurse. i of course hadn't even thought of that when i said it- but it was nice that my clinic has a sense of humor!
in the meantime- i really do feel better overall about the acupuncture actually doing something. i really did see a big difference in the pattern of my chart this month- especially so as i was flipping through them with my acupuncturist tonight. i feel good that i am not as drained as i usually am with my period & the cramps are pretty nonexistent. i am slightly glad that i was able to have as much hope as i did this month. you know my love/hate with that bitch. she's irrepressible- no matter how hard i try i will always have hope that we did it.
all in all- not too bad for day 2 of cycle 19. the only dark spot to my day was seeing that silly daily tarot card thing in my e-mail. talk about irony:
The World card suggests that my alter ego is The Conqueror, whose superpower lies in graduation to the next level. Today I am free. I have accomplished my mission and feel on top of the world. I will enjoy the experience to its fullest. I have come full circle on my path to success. My job is done, my dream fulfilled, and I have them eating out of my hands. Accept and embrace the journey taken. It has served great purpose in my growing wiser and stronger, and has provided a sense of relief in that now it's complete.
i really appreciate all the kind words- i can not even express how much it helps to see that "comment needs moderation" e-mail. each one makes me feel less alone, each one of you makes me feel validated in feeling so down about this, and oddly enough- that makes it go away quicker. strange, huh?
i had to call today with my day one- even though i have no chance of doing anything with my clinic for at least another month. the nurse was very sweet & let me know i could still do the clo.mid with blood tests, for around $300 (there's an ultrasound in there somewhere) i let her know that i would rather save up & wait a little longer & get the full experience. for the extra $700 i get constant monitoring & blood draws, as well as the medication. (at least i learned that!) if i am going to pay that much for a test/chance i want it to be the best i can get. and that means no leaving us to our own devices in terms of timing. i want to know 'to the hour' when that sucker is gonna pop. my re claims he can tell... we'll put him to the test. eventually. i even said i wanted to get more 'bang for my buck' which cracked up my nurse. i of course hadn't even thought of that when i said it- but it was nice that my clinic has a sense of humor!
in the meantime- i really do feel better overall about the acupuncture actually doing something. i really did see a big difference in the pattern of my chart this month- especially so as i was flipping through them with my acupuncturist tonight. i feel good that i am not as drained as i usually am with my period & the cramps are pretty nonexistent. i am slightly glad that i was able to have as much hope as i did this month. you know my love/hate with that bitch. she's irrepressible- no matter how hard i try i will always have hope that we did it.
all in all- not too bad for day 2 of cycle 19. the only dark spot to my day was seeing that silly daily tarot card thing in my e-mail. talk about irony:
The World card suggests that my alter ego is The Conqueror, whose superpower lies in graduation to the next level. Today I am free. I have accomplished my mission and feel on top of the world. I will enjoy the experience to its fullest. I have come full circle on my path to success. My job is done, my dream fulfilled, and I have them eating out of my hands. Accept and embrace the journey taken. It has served great purpose in my growing wiser and stronger, and has provided a sense of relief in that now it's complete.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
c19 cd1
i am here at having tried for a baby for ever closer to two years with absolutely no success. i had such high hopes for this cycle. i saw changes from acupuncture. i felt really good. even with a timing snafu i thought we did really well. now i am starting to think that it's just not meant to be. it's a little thought, not one that i am dwelling much on, but it is there. i can feel the despair, hovering around the edges, waiting for a crack to appear in my armour. i can feel it, but i try not to. i am so afraid that it is truth, i would rather have this intense high & low of hope & crash than that.
i am getting far ahead of myself- i know. 19 months is not all that long to try naturally. i do know that we will need help. the more time that passes the more i know we can't do this alone. but what crushes me is that we have to save up for months for a few chances that are considered the beginning steps to treatment. i have to learn to let the myth of a 'natural' pregnancy go. it's not for us. i really would be fine with that, if we didn't have the past year of financial drain behind us. it's not a good place to start from- in fact (given the exorbitant prices of my clinic) it is NO place to start from. we are stalled at yellow. no diagnosis to move forward from, but no new step that might work to look forward to. it's getting old & it's getting draining and i'm getting tired.
i have to admit though- i brought this on myself. i had a moment on sunday when a thought popped into my head that if it meant this cycle failing for me in order for my friend to get some great news & have a wonderful rest of her pregnancy, i could handle that. and i meant it. so while i do feel dragged down & dejected for the moment, i know that yet again i will pick myself up & start over. it's what i do. i don't know how to stop that & even if we can't move on right now, we won't stop trying. and hey- i can always find a bright side- i really didn't have cramps this month. and my temps did get a much more normal pattern to them. so maybe.... (there she is again, just begging to come back in...)
*disclaimer- if my rambling tonight makes no sense, please forgive me. i am 'celebrating' this new cycle with an enormous vodka tonic. fuck the wine- i needed something a little stronger.
i am getting far ahead of myself- i know. 19 months is not all that long to try naturally. i do know that we will need help. the more time that passes the more i know we can't do this alone. but what crushes me is that we have to save up for months for a few chances that are considered the beginning steps to treatment. i have to learn to let the myth of a 'natural' pregnancy go. it's not for us. i really would be fine with that, if we didn't have the past year of financial drain behind us. it's not a good place to start from- in fact (given the exorbitant prices of my clinic) it is NO place to start from. we are stalled at yellow. no diagnosis to move forward from, but no new step that might work to look forward to. it's getting old & it's getting draining and i'm getting tired.
i have to admit though- i brought this on myself. i had a moment on sunday when a thought popped into my head that if it meant this cycle failing for me in order for my friend to get some great news & have a wonderful rest of her pregnancy, i could handle that. and i meant it. so while i do feel dragged down & dejected for the moment, i know that yet again i will pick myself up & start over. it's what i do. i don't know how to stop that & even if we can't move on right now, we won't stop trying. and hey- i can always find a bright side- i really didn't have cramps this month. and my temps did get a much more normal pattern to them. so maybe.... (there she is again, just begging to come back in...)
*disclaimer- if my rambling tonight makes no sense, please forgive me. i am 'celebrating' this new cycle with an enormous vodka tonic. fuck the wine- i needed something a little stronger.
why bother
no test this morning. my temps took a nose dive & i can just tell that later today or tomorrow i'll know for sure. i just couldn't face seeing yet another clear stark absence of a line. absence of life & hope.
now i get to lather rinse & repeat. wait another month for the next step forward. wait to see if i can drag my heart out little by little in the futility of trying unassisted. each month it becomes harder & harder to think we really can do this on our own (believe me- i want to move forward, but we still don't have that extra grand in the bank). but each month it becomes more desperate that i want & need to do this. i can't imagine actually getting pregnant, but i can't imagine my life child-free. i hate being here.
now i get to lather rinse & repeat. wait another month for the next step forward. wait to see if i can drag my heart out little by little in the futility of trying unassisted. each month it becomes harder & harder to think we really can do this on our own (believe me- i want to move forward, but we still don't have that extra grand in the bank). but each month it becomes more desperate that i want & need to do this. i can't imagine actually getting pregnant, but i can't imagine my life child-free. i hate being here.
Monday, May 26, 2008
just call me hippy longstockings (updated)
i am attempting to distract myself as much as humanly possible this weekend. so far- okay. not great.
yesterday we went flea market/thrift shopping. we both needed things, but understand the benefits (both financially & ecologically) of buying used. the hub is a master flea marketer, as long as i am there to reign him in when needed. yesterday was fantastic- there's a pretty decent sized flea market right in our neighborhood- not walking distance, but close- and we stopped by. found local garden state honey- really tasty- only $10 for 64 oz. i've been trying to use more honey to substitute for sugar in recipes & everyday.
we also found this kick ass chair:
it was only $5- we're going to stain the wood a nice dark walnut. you can see the little pup is checking it out.
we then went to check out another huge flea market in jersey- it was temporarily closed. so we continued on to a great thrift store on the other side of the river. i found some really nice- looked brand new pants and & a dress for work. then we found this cute little desk (?) 
:
:it's perfect for our mail & such. the drawers are open to air them out a bit.
our next stop involved ice cream- an actual mr. softee store. in case you are unfamiliar- mr. softee is the most awesome of the ice cream trucks to roam the 'hood. since i have been doing acupuncture & trying to follow the diet restrictions (no cold foods or drink, no dairy, etc) i have definitely noticed a difference & felt better. but every now & then i need me some mr. softee! it was such a nice to end to a really nice day together.
today my distraction consists of more frugality. my impetus for making my own stuff is usually more health & sustainable based. the hub's is much more a frugal & economic basis. he decided to make our own laundry detergent the other day. it's actually really nice. it's fresh smelling & i know exactly how it got that way. it's also pretty freaking cheap to make. oh- and it works too. always a benefit! i feel really good about myself (& the hub too!) for our efforts.
despite the fact that they are driven by financial neccessity- trying to budget as best we can so we can enjoy the things we want & hopefully save for treatment cycles- i still feel pretty good about it! we're going to be carpooling a few times a week to save gas money. we are taking lunches every day (i only missed one last week). and now we're trying to make as much of our own stuff as possible and buy used when we need to.
my contribution is sitting on the stove rising away- i made a big batch of whole wheat bread & rolls. it takes a day, but if it lasts 2 weeks or so (i plan to freeze a bit) that works for me. the flour cost less than a single loaf of bread. and again- i know what's in it & that makes me feel good.
i also found a recipe for a sugar scrub. it's ridiculously simple & that's something that makes me feel decadent for a couple of bucks. considering it's really expensive to buy the fancy sugar scrubs- i haven't gotten one in a while.
since this may be the last night before i get my period... (still expecting the worst here) i plan on having a nice pampering session while the hub is out for a bike ride. it's definitely been a little while. i still don't have my normal pre-period cramps, so i might as well take advantage of that while i can. wink, wink!
allright- off to check on the bread. i hope this memorial day holiday is all that you wanted & needed it to be.
*update:
since a bunch have asked- here's the basic detergent recipe for a gallon:
1. boil 2 quarts of water- add 1/2 a bar of any kind of soap (we used dove) & let it dissolve completely.
2. add to a big bucket or an empty & ready to repurpose detergent bottle.
3. add 1 cup opf b.orax & 1 cup of washing soda. be careful handling the b.orax.
4. add water to fill & mix.
5. let cool & it will start to gel. it can get kind of gooey, but it still works great.
we are still ironing out the recipe- but if you go.ogle it, you should find all sorts of variations.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
nervous
the more time goes on the more nervous i become. if signs keep up the way they have been i will probably test tomorrow. i don't know what i am more nervous about- seeing or not seeing...
still trying to keep a handle on that bitch, but she's slippery & oozing all about.
still trying to keep a handle on that bitch, but she's slippery & oozing all about.
Friday, May 23, 2008
i should quit
i should quit charting. at least after confirming ovulation. i was reminded last night (although i really have been noticing it lately) that i can not stop myself from obsessions over my charts- i always find a reason for hope. and it's getting too dramatic. too draining. my temp fell a little today after showing a faint possibility of a nice dip & rise on day 8 & 9 that of course led me to jump straight to wild thoughts of triphasic charts & implantation dips. hardy freaking har. i have pretty charts. they mean shit. i need to have that tattooed somewhere. still waiting out until tuesday for any thoughts of testing, but today i feel like seeing a positive is unimaginable. any difference in my chart is due to the herbs & acupuncture, not a little bean. as much as i would like to be able to convince myself otherwise- it's just not so.
*update: wow. you guys rock- each & everyone of you. all your comments - however different- make me feel much better. i saw this morning's temp & just figured 'that's it'. i do tend to go overboard once i hit 9-10 dpo. it happens every month & while i am happy that i still have the ability to let hope in at this point- it really does fucking hurt to be let down that much more. because -as i'm sure you all know & feel like i do- i fucking want this. more than i have ever wanted anything. i am trying everything that is in my power to try & i am tired. the waiting is getting to be tortuous- i don't want to have to move on to treatments & IUI's, or contemplate IVF over adoption, but at least it would be doing, rather than just waiting & hoping. because that hasn't gotten me anywhere- yet i can't turn it off. and to be honest- i won't stop charting- i like being able to see my feeble efforts laid out in a chart. i like knowing that something is going on in there- even if it's not the something i want so desperately.
*update: wow. you guys rock- each & everyone of you. all your comments - however different- make me feel much better. i saw this morning's temp & just figured 'that's it'. i do tend to go overboard once i hit 9-10 dpo. it happens every month & while i am happy that i still have the ability to let hope in at this point- it really does fucking hurt to be let down that much more. because -as i'm sure you all know & feel like i do- i fucking want this. more than i have ever wanted anything. i am trying everything that is in my power to try & i am tired. the waiting is getting to be tortuous- i don't want to have to move on to treatments & IUI's, or contemplate IVF over adoption, but at least it would be doing, rather than just waiting & hoping. because that hasn't gotten me anywhere- yet i can't turn it off. and to be honest- i won't stop charting- i like being able to see my feeble efforts laid out in a chart. i like knowing that something is going on in there- even if it's not the something i want so desperately.
i just need to learn how to set realistic expectations & stop letting my imagination run wild. i swear i found myself touching my stomach & asking if anyone was there & if they wouldn't mind hanging out for a while...
have a fantastic weekend- we plan on doing some creative shopping- yard sales, thrift stores, etc. exploring the neighborhood since we have been very bad about seeing what is literally in our own backyard. we're also hanging out with friends tomorrow. (which i am slightly annoyed that despite my thoughts to the contrary- i still won't drink a sip on this oh so bbq & beer filled holiday because i can't let go of that last little bit of hope- she sure is a clingy bitch.)
Monday, May 19, 2008
i was tagged
and forgot all about it- sorry trace - better late than never!
i am supposed to list 10 weird or random facts about me. i know i've done this before so finding 10 will be tough! but here goes:
1. i have the hips of an old lady- i spent 2 months walking with a cane at 22 in college. i have microlabrial tears in the lining of my hip socket. they are usually calm & painless, but about once every couple years they flare up & i become 90 hobbling on a cane.
2. my hair's been every color but platinum, blue, & black. (i'm pretty sure i've shared this at some point, but i still think it's random)
3. my dog talks to me- when i ask him if he loves me he does this sweet growly howl that means 'yea- of course i do'.
4. i love pirates & skulls. i have 3 pencils w/ skull & crossbones that i use at work. in meetings. and i don't give a rat's ass who thinks it's juvenile!
5. my favorite color is green. right now. last year it was orange & the year before was red.
6. i talk to my sister almost every day & i get sad & anxious if i don't hear from her for more than two days.
7. my other dog (really the hub's dog, but i love her too) actually watches tv. she will run up to it will a tow & bark when another dog comes on. or bear, elephant, rhino, wolf, tiger, lion, cat, or meerkat. not so much with fish or little critters, bugs don't summon the same response from her.
8. i plan my outfits out the night before. and if i don't it takes me three times as long to get ready. i can not just grab something & throw it on.
9. on that note- my closet is uber organized. firstly by type (short dress, long dress, skirts - long then short, pants, then shirts.) then by color (white, cream, yellow, green, blue, purple/pink, red, brown, gray, black) shirts are long sleeve first, then short, then sleeveless by color. all must face the same way. but i am really efficient at picking outfits in the evening. & i stop short of matching hangers. as long as they aren't wire. no- seriously.
10. um... i'm floundering here. i have short little feet with stubby toes. but i think they're adorable, but they are attached to me so i think i am biased.
hmmm- i don't know who to tag- how about kate , meredith , & monica.
i am supposed to list 10 weird or random facts about me. i know i've done this before so finding 10 will be tough! but here goes:
1. i have the hips of an old lady- i spent 2 months walking with a cane at 22 in college. i have microlabrial tears in the lining of my hip socket. they are usually calm & painless, but about once every couple years they flare up & i become 90 hobbling on a cane.
2. my hair's been every color but platinum, blue, & black. (i'm pretty sure i've shared this at some point, but i still think it's random)
3. my dog talks to me- when i ask him if he loves me he does this sweet growly howl that means 'yea- of course i do'.
4. i love pirates & skulls. i have 3 pencils w/ skull & crossbones that i use at work. in meetings. and i don't give a rat's ass who thinks it's juvenile!
5. my favorite color is green. right now. last year it was orange & the year before was red.
6. i talk to my sister almost every day & i get sad & anxious if i don't hear from her for more than two days.
7. my other dog (really the hub's dog, but i love her too) actually watches tv. she will run up to it will a tow & bark when another dog comes on. or bear, elephant, rhino, wolf, tiger, lion, cat, or meerkat. not so much with fish or little critters, bugs don't summon the same response from her.
8. i plan my outfits out the night before. and if i don't it takes me three times as long to get ready. i can not just grab something & throw it on.
9. on that note- my closet is uber organized. firstly by type (short dress, long dress, skirts - long then short, pants, then shirts.) then by color (white, cream, yellow, green, blue, purple/pink, red, brown, gray, black) shirts are long sleeve first, then short, then sleeveless by color. all must face the same way. but i am really efficient at picking outfits in the evening. & i stop short of matching hangers. as long as they aren't wire. no- seriously.
10. um... i'm floundering here. i have short little feet with stubby toes. but i think they're adorable, but they are attached to me so i think i am biased.
hmmm- i don't know who to tag- how about kate , meredith , & monica.
i am in love with this man
i came home tonight to a wonderful surprise:
my sweet hub painted the wall for me!!!! it now matches the rest of the living room! and this weekend we should be finishing the floors so we can finally actually live up there!
in other news- i showed my acupuncturist my chart tonight & she agreed that it looked good. while i know it's not a huge difference- it is a little difference that i can see. it makes me feel like i really am doing something. it does open the door a crack for hope though. that bitch better not barge in & be a nasty houseguest- leaving me 'hungover the next day'! (thanks Nancy- that made my night!)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
just waiting around
this weekend is all about doing nothing & waiting around. the hub gets paid on friday & we are definitely still adjusting to the 2x a month paycheck. i'm broke until then too so all i can do is sit around the house.
i am supposed to paint a hallway, but i am a really terrible painter. i know what colors to pick & how to tell people to design their spaces, but you put roller in my hand & i lose all coordination. the hub was supposed to tape off the wall to help me, but he's out on a charity bike ride today. i am debating whether i will attempt on my own or push it off yet again.
my herbs & acupuncture definitely seem to be working. my temperatures have a distinctly different pattern this month- nice & high without the jagged drops & rises after ovulation. i almost hate seeing it because it makes it harder to not have hope. hope is an evil bitch & i want her no where near me. i see daily reminders of the life that i want- yet don't have. having hope just makes the end so much more crushing. i keep trying to tel myself that there is no way that this month will be any different from last month, or any of the other 17 times we have tried to make a baby. but this one is different despite my best efforts. i can see a difference in the data i collect every morning. that doesn't mean anything about the outcome being different- and that is what i have to keep reminding myself. or else hope will definitely take over this one & run wild. and my poor heart can't take that.
*update- painting did not happen- the hub hurt his back & i really am not qualified to tackle the whole thing on my own.
i also am quickly becoming convinced that this is dfinitely not the month for me. isn't that sad at 5dpo? i don't know why- i just know it's not in the cards for me. i am really starting to think it may not be in the cards at all. which makes me cry because i have no reason. no reason to think this & no reason why we can't get pregnant. but i am really starting to think we won't.
i am supposed to paint a hallway, but i am a really terrible painter. i know what colors to pick & how to tell people to design their spaces, but you put roller in my hand & i lose all coordination. the hub was supposed to tape off the wall to help me, but he's out on a charity bike ride today. i am debating whether i will attempt on my own or push it off yet again.
my herbs & acupuncture definitely seem to be working. my temperatures have a distinctly different pattern this month- nice & high without the jagged drops & rises after ovulation. i almost hate seeing it because it makes it harder to not have hope. hope is an evil bitch & i want her no where near me. i see daily reminders of the life that i want- yet don't have. having hope just makes the end so much more crushing. i keep trying to tel myself that there is no way that this month will be any different from last month, or any of the other 17 times we have tried to make a baby. but this one is different despite my best efforts. i can see a difference in the data i collect every morning. that doesn't mean anything about the outcome being different- and that is what i have to keep reminding myself. or else hope will definitely take over this one & run wild. and my poor heart can't take that.
*update- painting did not happen- the hub hurt his back & i really am not qualified to tackle the whole thing on my own.
i also am quickly becoming convinced that this is dfinitely not the month for me. isn't that sad at 5dpo? i don't know why- i just know it's not in the cards for me. i am really starting to think it may not be in the cards at all. which makes me cry because i have no reason. no reason to think this & no reason why we can't get pregnant. but i am really starting to think we won't.
Friday, May 16, 2008
ha ha ha
oh the irony. after finally getting those crosshairs confirming a day 18 ovulation ( check it out for yourself ) i get this 'daily tarot' in my inbox:
The Ten of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in completion. I celebrate and am grateful for captured moments of simple perfection. Satisfying my hearts desire connects me by example to love, beauty, pleasure, and happiness in those around me and gives me confidence to take it to the next level. "We made it." Unconditional love makes a family and home is where the heart is, so at last, I am never alone. I am empowered by gratitude and my gift is emotional fulfillment.
i especially enjoy the 'we made it' line. while life in general is good- i have no real hopes for seeing a positive anytime soon & certainly not from this busted ass cycle.
i finally had a chance to talk with my cousin- the only other one in my family that ever had any problems conceiving- except of course for grandma. i found out that she had her hsg, had sex that day & got pregnant. thank you for perpetuating that particular myth- in my own family no less. i let her know that unfortunately for me- 10 days is rather too long for sex to be beneficial to procreation & i am now in the 3rd month after my own hsg so for me- that really is just a fairy tale. she asked about next steps- i lamented the insane cost of moving forward with the c.lomid, she wished i lived up by her so i could go to her doctor. she's also a nurse & knows a doctor for everything well enough to ask for a few favors. unfortunately for me, she lives 2 hours away.
so i wait it out & hope for a windfall of cash so i can at least do something. the acupuncture does make me feel better & more proactive, but i doubt we can do this without some sort of medical intervention. the waiting is getting very old.
The Ten of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in completion. I celebrate and am grateful for captured moments of simple perfection. Satisfying my hearts desire connects me by example to love, beauty, pleasure, and happiness in those around me and gives me confidence to take it to the next level. "We made it." Unconditional love makes a family and home is where the heart is, so at last, I am never alone. I am empowered by gratitude and my gift is emotional fulfillment.
i especially enjoy the 'we made it' line. while life in general is good- i have no real hopes for seeing a positive anytime soon & certainly not from this busted ass cycle.
i finally had a chance to talk with my cousin- the only other one in my family that ever had any problems conceiving- except of course for grandma. i found out that she had her hsg, had sex that day & got pregnant. thank you for perpetuating that particular myth- in my own family no less. i let her know that unfortunately for me- 10 days is rather too long for sex to be beneficial to procreation & i am now in the 3rd month after my own hsg so for me- that really is just a fairy tale. she asked about next steps- i lamented the insane cost of moving forward with the c.lomid, she wished i lived up by her so i could go to her doctor. she's also a nurse & knows a doctor for everything well enough to ask for a few favors. unfortunately for me, she lives 2 hours away.
so i wait it out & hope for a windfall of cash so i can at least do something. the acupuncture does make me feel better & more proactive, but i doubt we can do this without some sort of medical intervention. the waiting is getting very old.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
finally- complete with drama
houston- we have positive opk. because it's me, this wouldn't be a post without chart drama.
on saturday i forgot to opk. i was hanging out with the neighbors, drinking my herbs, gardening, drinking a beer, cooking & all of a sudden i look at the clock- right after a pee break no less- and it's 6 pm. my normal opk time! shit.
stop drinking, wait 2 hours, opk is darker than any of the others were & next morning temp jumps. still up the day after & sunday's opk is lighter again. so i thought the miraculous had happened & i actually had a day 15 ovulation. pretty fucking great considering timing was awesome- once on day 14 & (drum roll please) twice on day 16. i go to acupuncture & brag my ass off about how great it is to ovulate at a 'normal' point in my cycle. i am so convinced that i switch to the ovulation formula of herbs that i am to take for three days starting with the day of ovulation. the formula that smells surprisingly good like cinnamon, but tastes deceptively like dirt.
-oh & acupuncture was actually pretty awesome- i got a heat lamp over my belly at first- and then over my cold cold tootsies. i had more points than i ever have before (not sure if this is good) and as she was pushing the points i could really feel the difference between the ones she wanted to stimulate & the ones that were okay. i also got a few ear points & a bunch of foot points- the one right in the toe was the only time i have ever felt the needle beyond just the initial placement. not painful, just uncomfortable.
then yesterday i decide to take one last opk for shits & giggles. it takes about 5 minutes for me to actually be able to read it. so i forget about it as we have ten tons of shit to do. read the opk this morning & holy shit! positive- with a deep temp drop to boot. do i get to take advantage of it- no. the hub is out of state. with literally no time for a morning quicky. he returns tomorrow night but i fear that will be too late. plus- i am on day 18 today, if i actually ovulate tomorrow (day 19, duh) it will be better for timing, but not make me feel better about my ovulation actually happening sooner. at least day 18 is the earlier side of my normal.
i guess my ecstatic joy in seeing actual changes in my cycle after only one month of acupuncture were slightly jumping the gun. i do think i am responding, but i thought i had seen a minor ovulatory miracle. oh well. maybe next time. because i am 98.6% sure that there will be a next time.
now- the big question is do i keep taking the ovulation formula for the next two days, or switch to the luteal phase formula... off to e-mail the doc!
on saturday i forgot to opk. i was hanging out with the neighbors, drinking my herbs, gardening, drinking a beer, cooking & all of a sudden i look at the clock- right after a pee break no less- and it's 6 pm. my normal opk time! shit.
stop drinking, wait 2 hours, opk is darker than any of the others were & next morning temp jumps. still up the day after & sunday's opk is lighter again. so i thought the miraculous had happened & i actually had a day 15 ovulation. pretty fucking great considering timing was awesome- once on day 14 & (drum roll please) twice on day 16. i go to acupuncture & brag my ass off about how great it is to ovulate at a 'normal' point in my cycle. i am so convinced that i switch to the ovulation formula of herbs that i am to take for three days starting with the day of ovulation. the formula that smells surprisingly good like cinnamon, but tastes deceptively like dirt.
-oh & acupuncture was actually pretty awesome- i got a heat lamp over my belly at first- and then over my cold cold tootsies. i had more points than i ever have before (not sure if this is good) and as she was pushing the points i could really feel the difference between the ones she wanted to stimulate & the ones that were okay. i also got a few ear points & a bunch of foot points- the one right in the toe was the only time i have ever felt the needle beyond just the initial placement. not painful, just uncomfortable.
then yesterday i decide to take one last opk for shits & giggles. it takes about 5 minutes for me to actually be able to read it. so i forget about it as we have ten tons of shit to do. read the opk this morning & holy shit! positive- with a deep temp drop to boot. do i get to take advantage of it- no. the hub is out of state. with literally no time for a morning quicky. he returns tomorrow night but i fear that will be too late. plus- i am on day 18 today, if i actually ovulate tomorrow (day 19, duh) it will be better for timing, but not make me feel better about my ovulation actually happening sooner. at least day 18 is the earlier side of my normal.
i guess my ecstatic joy in seeing actual changes in my cycle after only one month of acupuncture were slightly jumping the gun. i do think i am responding, but i thought i had seen a minor ovulatory miracle. oh well. maybe next time. because i am 98.6% sure that there will be a next time.
now- the big question is do i keep taking the ovulation formula for the next two days, or switch to the luteal phase formula... off to e-mail the doc!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
still here, still not much going on
i'm kind of figuring out good methods for the herbal supplements i'm taking. my morning does is the worst as putting it in tea is too harsh on my stomach without food. i put it in boiling water & add a little honey. it's almost palatable, it kind of tastes like a really gritty herbal tea made with some kind of grass.
afternoon & evenings i have down though- i premix a dose with boiling hot green tea & a smidge of honey (i really need a little sweet - that whole spoonful of sugar thing) in a water bottle & let it sit for a few hours. the herbs get absorbed pretty well & if i drink it with a meal it's pretty much like drinking room temperature tea. any gritty shit at the bottom gets a splash of water & chugged. so far so good.
i think that if i can go off my usual signs & the increasingly darker (but not positive yet) OPK's that I will most likely ovulate sometime around monday. which for me- at day 17- would be relatively early. and a marked improvement. the hub has been on board with our schedule- i really want there to be no second guesses this month. if all goes well we can hopefully move on with the RE for my july cycle, but that will be about 4 months of acupuncture & a solid 2 months of herbs. which i figure is a fair shot. and while i am willing (obviously) to do a lot of things i never thought i would to have a baby, i really want us to be able to just get pregnant.
mother's day is looming & this is my second one while trying. the first one was harder in a way because the preconceived notions i had of the 'wham bam, now you're pregnant' timing was obviously wrong. it was around the time when i figured i am just not like most of the women i know (including much of my family) and could possibly have a problem.
this year i know that we have no problem, at least not one anyone can diagnose. and with the acupuncture i am trying to be hopeful that it is a possibility, it's just taking a long time & maybe we haven't hit on that magical combo of what works for us.
but on the other hand- there is a desperation, a fear, and a sadness i just can't shake as i imagine that next year i will still be in this same place. what if my hope is baseless. what if i long for something that just isn't in my destiny.what if this shit doesn't work & we spend thousands of dollars (easy to do when one IUI cycle with clo.mid will probably cost us about $1400) and still end up at the same place. what if this is my life...
i am not ready to even think of living childfree as a possibility & the thought of another year of trying & then waiting a few more years to save up for adoption, well- it doesn't make not being a mother tomorrow any easier. so i am trying very hard not to think about it, to just enjoy my day with the hub, & drink some good beer. because i still can dammit. who needs cute handwritten cards or flowers proclaiming your perfection as a mother anyway... i do, i do, please oh please let me have that.
for all the mommies & mommies to be this year- enjoy your day- you certainly do deserve it, but don't mind me if i can't enjoy it with you, maybe next year.
updated- i updated my look today. trying to get a little more cheerful on my blog so it will hopefully rub off on me a little.
afternoon & evenings i have down though- i premix a dose with boiling hot green tea & a smidge of honey (i really need a little sweet - that whole spoonful of sugar thing) in a water bottle & let it sit for a few hours. the herbs get absorbed pretty well & if i drink it with a meal it's pretty much like drinking room temperature tea. any gritty shit at the bottom gets a splash of water & chugged. so far so good.
i think that if i can go off my usual signs & the increasingly darker (but not positive yet) OPK's that I will most likely ovulate sometime around monday. which for me- at day 17- would be relatively early. and a marked improvement. the hub has been on board with our schedule- i really want there to be no second guesses this month. if all goes well we can hopefully move on with the RE for my july cycle, but that will be about 4 months of acupuncture & a solid 2 months of herbs. which i figure is a fair shot. and while i am willing (obviously) to do a lot of things i never thought i would to have a baby, i really want us to be able to just get pregnant.
mother's day is looming & this is my second one while trying. the first one was harder in a way because the preconceived notions i had of the 'wham bam, now you're pregnant' timing was obviously wrong. it was around the time when i figured i am just not like most of the women i know (including much of my family) and could possibly have a problem.
this year i know that we have no problem, at least not one anyone can diagnose. and with the acupuncture i am trying to be hopeful that it is a possibility, it's just taking a long time & maybe we haven't hit on that magical combo of what works for us.
but on the other hand- there is a desperation, a fear, and a sadness i just can't shake as i imagine that next year i will still be in this same place. what if my hope is baseless. what if i long for something that just isn't in my destiny.what if this shit doesn't work & we spend thousands of dollars (easy to do when one IUI cycle with clo.mid will probably cost us about $1400) and still end up at the same place. what if this is my life...
i am not ready to even think of living childfree as a possibility & the thought of another year of trying & then waiting a few more years to save up for adoption, well- it doesn't make not being a mother tomorrow any easier. so i am trying very hard not to think about it, to just enjoy my day with the hub, & drink some good beer. because i still can dammit. who needs cute handwritten cards or flowers proclaiming your perfection as a mother anyway... i do, i do, please oh please let me have that.
for all the mommies & mommies to be this year- enjoy your day- you certainly do deserve it, but don't mind me if i can't enjoy it with you, maybe next year.
updated- i updated my look today. trying to get a little more cheerful on my blog so it will hopefully rub off on me a little.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
tag- I'm it.
i have been tagged by the effusive kate, so here goes:
4 things I did 10 years ago: (1998)
this is tough because i have a bad memory, but i am pretty sure that
#1 i moved back home after living with my boyfriend (the hub) for a few months at the tender age of 18. or i moved in with the hub for the first time at the tender age of 19- i honestly don't remember.
#2 i do remember that i worked crap jobs- night desk clerk at a motel on a popular truck route, and a bunch of retail jobs.
#3 i flunked a semester at community college sometime around here which helped me decide to take a semester off- work said crappy jobs & NOT want to ever have to do that again without the promise of a career before me. so i decided that the life of a struggling actress was not for me (yes- i was a drama major. like you didn't see that coming...) and interior design was the light bulb that went off. this was probably in '99- but who's counting, right kate?
#4 i broke up with my best girlfriend because we had been living together & long story short- she snorted my rent money up her nose & when i said i had to leave she slashed the hub's tires because she blamed him for taking me away from her since she was not-so-secretly in love with me. but not a lesbian. i also found out that she later broke into the house we lived in (it was her dad's) & tried to point the blame at the hub- who was conveniently sleeping next to me our place together the night of the 'incident'. i sometimes wonder what happened to her- in that morbid curiosity kind of way...
4 things I did 5 years ago: (2003)
#1 i graduated college. i was thisclose to graduating at the top of my class (highest gpa in my major) but was beat out by the professor's pet. i did graduate cum laude, but my mom rubs it in that she got magna cum laude. thanks mom- don't worry about the complex...
#2 i worked 3 jobs, 7 days a week since i now was no longer on easy street. my generous & lovely parents paid my bills my last semester of school (along with the hub who i was living with again in the world's most awesome amazing 1920's apartment) and i had to pay for my own shit now. i worked at an upscale garden & accessory store, did off the books bookkeeping for a tailor, and on my days off i freelanced for a cabinet maker doing the shop drawings of ridiculous kitchens for the obscenely wealthy suburbanites. i loved every second of it. i had money, but no time to really spend it & cash was plentiful if i did get some time to go out.
#3 i got my first 'real' job where i lasted just shy of 2 years. it was an amazing experience. not that i loved it by any means- did you ever read the devil wears p.rada? in this case it was a.rmani. i did however; learn to be quick, efficient, & understand the details of how things are put together much more than i would have otherwise. i also HATE the color marigold & the term 'too sweet' when describing a color. i did make some amazing friends & have some great times though!
#4 the hub asked my parents permission to marry me. which is completely unlike the hub in every way- my parents were shocked & didn't know what to say. again- my mother introduces the complex by telling me!!! that he asked and so now the pressure's on. she also, wait for it.... bought a ring for him to give to me because it was on sale & she couldn't help it. are. you. fucking. serious. needless to say- this began the period of extreme discomfort between all parties. the hub wouldn't ask because he felt too pressured & didn't want to use the ring my mom bought (which i am glad about because it was ug.ly.) i was extremely insecure & bitchy because he wouldn't ask & i knew he had wanted to but didn't know why he wasn't. this seriously went on for 9 months people. 9 fucking months of wondering if he was ever going to be ready. and we had been living together for almost 4 years. looking back- it's better it happened this way, because after that 9 months of waiting, neither one of us had doubts & we planned an extremely wonderful & perfect (if i do say so myself!) wedding in less than 5 months. so this last one really spans to 2004 also, but it started in 03!
4 Things I did Yesterday:
#1 acupuncture & get my herbs. proceed to take herbs. let that bitchhole (woo-hoo kate for the new word!) hope in just a little bit about this cycle.
#2 work. busy, but good. i'm really happy at my job right now & that's a really nice feeling. not that i wasn't happy before, but the anxiety is going away. (i know i have absolutely nothing to be anxious about- it's just something i have, not anything to do with my job- i think it just manifests there)
#3 had stupid fight with the hub over our lack of finances. he's stressed because he hasn't gotten his first paycheck yet & i'm stressed because my entire paycheck for the month is done. i only get paid once a month & i've got over 2 weeks to go- so scary.
#4 slept alone. ironically- not at all due to fight. we made up hours before but i hadn't slept well in a few days & the hub needs to watch tv to fall asleep. it's one of the little things that divides us completely in regards to nighttime habits & every now & then i just can't take it & kick him out. like last night when i just could not sleep. when he watches tv downstairs though- he falls asleep downstairs. i hate it because i feel so disconnected when i wake up.
4 Shows I love to Watch:
top ch.ef
proj.ect runway
amer.ica's n.ext top m.odel (such a guilty pleasure!)
bi.zarre foods
4 Things I love to do:
sleep (unoriginal- but true)
play with my pups
get together with friends
browse little shops for nothing in particular (in other words- shop! even without money!)
okay- i tag nancy (because i really think she could use some distractions this week!) katie (because it was her anniversary & i didn't get her a thing) & jewels (because she's back!)
4 things I did 10 years ago: (1998)
this is tough because i have a bad memory, but i am pretty sure that
#1 i moved back home after living with my boyfriend (the hub) for a few months at the tender age of 18. or i moved in with the hub for the first time at the tender age of 19- i honestly don't remember.
#2 i do remember that i worked crap jobs- night desk clerk at a motel on a popular truck route, and a bunch of retail jobs.
#3 i flunked a semester at community college sometime around here which helped me decide to take a semester off- work said crappy jobs & NOT want to ever have to do that again without the promise of a career before me. so i decided that the life of a struggling actress was not for me (yes- i was a drama major. like you didn't see that coming...) and interior design was the light bulb that went off. this was probably in '99- but who's counting, right kate?
#4 i broke up with my best girlfriend because we had been living together & long story short- she snorted my rent money up her nose & when i said i had to leave she slashed the hub's tires because she blamed him for taking me away from her since she was not-so-secretly in love with me. but not a lesbian. i also found out that she later broke into the house we lived in (it was her dad's) & tried to point the blame at the hub- who was conveniently sleeping next to me our place together the night of the 'incident'. i sometimes wonder what happened to her- in that morbid curiosity kind of way...
4 things I did 5 years ago: (2003)
#1 i graduated college. i was thisclose to graduating at the top of my class (highest gpa in my major) but was beat out by the professor's pet. i did graduate cum laude, but my mom rubs it in that she got magna cum laude. thanks mom- don't worry about the complex...
#2 i worked 3 jobs, 7 days a week since i now was no longer on easy street. my generous & lovely parents paid my bills my last semester of school (along with the hub who i was living with again in the world's most awesome amazing 1920's apartment) and i had to pay for my own shit now. i worked at an upscale garden & accessory store, did off the books bookkeeping for a tailor, and on my days off i freelanced for a cabinet maker doing the shop drawings of ridiculous kitchens for the obscenely wealthy suburbanites. i loved every second of it. i had money, but no time to really spend it & cash was plentiful if i did get some time to go out.
#3 i got my first 'real' job where i lasted just shy of 2 years. it was an amazing experience. not that i loved it by any means- did you ever read the devil wears p.rada? in this case it was a.rmani. i did however; learn to be quick, efficient, & understand the details of how things are put together much more than i would have otherwise. i also HATE the color marigold & the term 'too sweet' when describing a color. i did make some amazing friends & have some great times though!
#4 the hub asked my parents permission to marry me. which is completely unlike the hub in every way- my parents were shocked & didn't know what to say. again- my mother introduces the complex by telling me!!! that he asked and so now the pressure's on. she also, wait for it.... bought a ring for him to give to me because it was on sale & she couldn't help it. are. you. fucking. serious. needless to say- this began the period of extreme discomfort between all parties. the hub wouldn't ask because he felt too pressured & didn't want to use the ring my mom bought (which i am glad about because it was ug.ly.) i was extremely insecure & bitchy because he wouldn't ask & i knew he had wanted to but didn't know why he wasn't. this seriously went on for 9 months people. 9 fucking months of wondering if he was ever going to be ready. and we had been living together for almost 4 years. looking back- it's better it happened this way, because after that 9 months of waiting, neither one of us had doubts & we planned an extremely wonderful & perfect (if i do say so myself!) wedding in less than 5 months. so this last one really spans to 2004 also, but it started in 03!
4 Things I did Yesterday:
#1 acupuncture & get my herbs. proceed to take herbs. let that bitchhole (woo-hoo kate for the new word!) hope in just a little bit about this cycle.
#2 work. busy, but good. i'm really happy at my job right now & that's a really nice feeling. not that i wasn't happy before, but the anxiety is going away. (i know i have absolutely nothing to be anxious about- it's just something i have, not anything to do with my job- i think it just manifests there)
#3 had stupid fight with the hub over our lack of finances. he's stressed because he hasn't gotten his first paycheck yet & i'm stressed because my entire paycheck for the month is done. i only get paid once a month & i've got over 2 weeks to go- so scary.
#4 slept alone. ironically- not at all due to fight. we made up hours before but i hadn't slept well in a few days & the hub needs to watch tv to fall asleep. it's one of the little things that divides us completely in regards to nighttime habits & every now & then i just can't take it & kick him out. like last night when i just could not sleep. when he watches tv downstairs though- he falls asleep downstairs. i hate it because i feel so disconnected when i wake up.
4 Shows I love to Watch:
top ch.ef
proj.ect runway
amer.ica's n.ext top m.odel (such a guilty pleasure!)
bi.zarre foods
4 Things I love to do:
sleep (unoriginal- but true)
play with my pups
get together with friends
browse little shops for nothing in particular (in other words- shop! even without money!)
okay- i tag nancy (because i really think she could use some distractions this week!) katie (because it was her anniversary & i didn't get her a thing) & jewels (because she's back!)
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
paging cheech
i got my acupuncture herbs today. my tcm doc thinks that my different period & slightly elevated temps are great signs that the acupuncture alone is working. she actually said she's a little surprised that i am seeing changes so quickly & that acupuncture with the herbs should get me on track in no time. for me- just seeing these little changes is enough to keep me going with this- especially since i really can't afford the next step at the re ($1000 cycles & whatnot). i can afford the acupuncture & these herbs should last at least two cycles. hopefully i don't need them that long though. (haha!- wishful thinking, huh)
so i had my first 'dose' tonight & i was expecting something much worse, much more bitter. apparently my herbs are all a little on the sweet sides with no bitter- think licorice & cinnamon. i made a tea & it was just a little yeasty, not much actual flavor. the worst part though was the end because the herbs are powdered & it got gritty. I may have used too little water i guess- i'm taking them 3x a day, so i'll figure a good method out.
i've also been noticed some of my pre-fertile phase signs a little earlier than usual this cycle- i am going to start opk's tomorrow (day 13) instead of day 16 or so. i tend to get a positive the day before & the day of ovulation, so i stocked up & have 9 pee-sticks. i should be good to go.
let's just hope the hub is ready...
so i had my first 'dose' tonight & i was expecting something much worse, much more bitter. apparently my herbs are all a little on the sweet sides with no bitter- think licorice & cinnamon. i made a tea & it was just a little yeasty, not much actual flavor. the worst part though was the end because the herbs are powdered & it got gritty. I may have used too little water i guess- i'm taking them 3x a day, so i'll figure a good method out.
i've also been noticed some of my pre-fertile phase signs a little earlier than usual this cycle- i am going to start opk's tomorrow (day 13) instead of day 16 or so. i tend to get a positive the day before & the day of ovulation, so i stocked up & have 9 pee-sticks. i should be good to go.
let's just hope the hub is ready...
Sunday, May 4, 2008
loverly
i haven't had too much to say lately. i am trying to get back on my feet this cycle & my temps seem to be a bit higher so far, which lets a little hope in that acupuncture may be doing something.
the hub & i have been having lovely days & nights lately. which is really nice after my minor meltdown that came along with cycle #18. he's being very positive for me & being very good about keeping us focused on having a good time together. now that he has this new job he's home weekends (for the first time in over a year! yay!) and we've had a lovely one. we went to a huge flea market downtown & even though we are completely broke until he gets paid next week- it was so fun to walk around & browse.
then we grabbed some dinner at a chinese-japanese place & while it was slightly more money than i felt comfortable with- he said that if we sit at home every other day it was worth it to unwind after the week(s) we've had. we had polynesian drinks in crazy authentic 60's era beni-hana glasses. the food was good, but relaxing & enjoying a date was even better.
today we took our dog to this dog-centric 'walk' up north. it took about an hour to get there & i was a little nervous for the subaru- but we made it just fine. our little man had a wonderful time & couldn't make up his mind who to go make friends with first! we donated to a anti-puppy mill foundation & got his nails clipped in return. i am the biggest wuss about doing that- so needless to say, he really needed it done! he was really good & got tons of compliments on how handsome he is. it was a beautiful day to just hang outside & soak in the day. hopefully this will keep me going in a nice mellow mood for a few more weeks.
and even more hopefully- i will see an earlier ovulation sometime next week & then the real crazy hope can begin!
the hub & i have been having lovely days & nights lately. which is really nice after my minor meltdown that came along with cycle #18. he's being very positive for me & being very good about keeping us focused on having a good time together. now that he has this new job he's home weekends (for the first time in over a year! yay!) and we've had a lovely one. we went to a huge flea market downtown & even though we are completely broke until he gets paid next week- it was so fun to walk around & browse.
then we grabbed some dinner at a chinese-japanese place & while it was slightly more money than i felt comfortable with- he said that if we sit at home every other day it was worth it to unwind after the week(s) we've had. we had polynesian drinks in crazy authentic 60's era beni-hana glasses. the food was good, but relaxing & enjoying a date was even better.
today we took our dog to this dog-centric 'walk' up north. it took about an hour to get there & i was a little nervous for the subaru- but we made it just fine. our little man had a wonderful time & couldn't make up his mind who to go make friends with first! we donated to a anti-puppy mill foundation & got his nails clipped in return. i am the biggest wuss about doing that- so needless to say, he really needed it done! he was really good & got tons of compliments on how handsome he is. it was a beautiful day to just hang outside & soak in the day. hopefully this will keep me going in a nice mellow mood for a few more weeks.
and even more hopefully- i will see an earlier ovulation sometime next week & then the real crazy hope can begin!
Friday, May 2, 2008
why oh why
do i always kick major ass at jeopardy while sitting here alone...
it's just not the same without a witness.
it's just not the same without a witness.
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