silence is golden

yeah- right.... i have been so busy at work & in life right now that i haven't written in ages! sorry for the neglect- but i do have lots of exciting news. my job is in a very interesting place right now. reviews are coming up & i think it is finally starting to become clear to my manager how much more i can do & contribute, so hopefully i get some more interesting projects that way.

i am also going to classes to study for LEED accreditation. basically i will be certified by the US Green Building Council & able to submit & sign off on projects in my firm that will be trying to get LEED certified as green projects. it's very hard, a lot of work, and also very rewarding. as i am the 'green' person in the office i was asked to sit in on a meeting for one of our projects (on my own team actually) that wants to be LEED certified. now the client has hired an outside consultant to help them in this as i am not yet accredited, but i get to be involved & attend an all day meeting discussing strategies for getting certain credits. all while i am still learning & studying to take the exam. so i get free real world experience & applications that can only benefit me. oh- and hopefully mean a big fat raise so when i do finally get pregnant we can breathe a little easier about day care.

on to the ttc front- i temped & charted and got my crosshairs! of course they were a day after i thought they should have been, making me officially a late ovulater (according to one random book so who knows if it really matters) i thought that our timing was perfect, we were supposed to have one more go the day of, but my wonderful misguided husband ordered the pu pu platter for dinner & let's just say pu pu pu. the more i thought about it i still think we were pretty good- i am assuming, since my temp rose slightly from the day i thought to the day my chart says, that i ovulated in the wee hours of the morning between the 2 days. so if cd18 was 'the' day, we got the night before (or off depending how you look at it) cd16, & even cd14. so hopefully one of those millions were in the perfect place at the perfect time & make the perfect baby. i can't help but be a little anxious about this 2ww, but i do feel so much better knowing there really wasn't all that much more we could have done. we didn't miss anything & seeing my temps jump so high & stay there is really nice.

i find myself walking my dogs & just repeating 'please, please, please, please, please, please' every morning. i know that it is only 20% possible even with our 'perfect' timing- but as we get closer to ayear, our chances actually improve- right? so 9 months means we actually have somewhere between 65-75% chance. maybe?

at least i am becoming really busy so that the next week hopefully flies right on by. oh- and pu pu will be the baby's nickname before they are born if this is the month!

aaauuuggghhh

opk's are confusing! i keep thinking that i am doing it wrong! why can't we get a little wristband that turns green when we should have sex? wouldn't that be easier?

on a different note- i think that i have turned a corner. i am making a vow- right here & now- until i have a reason i will not complain that i am not pregnant yet. i will still vent about the frustration & i will still hurt every month. but i will not take my wonderful life, my wonderful husband, & my wonderful friends for granted. i will remember that i have been extremely lucky in my life & even if i am impatient about wanting to start our family- i am still normal- we are still 100% in the normal range. we will be for a number of months. until i hear from a doctor that there is a problem with one of us- i will shut the f- up & stop complaining. i am so lucky to have a great support group & i know that it is my right to complain all i want- i just don't want to anymore. it doesn't get me anywhere except depressed & i really would rather not go there anymore.

so- for myself- i will think of rainbows & sunshine. and lots & lots of wonderful loving.

these boots are made for walking

the forward march has begun- two days in to temping & i have to remember to buy opk's soon. the more i empty my heart on these pages & to the friends who know & care- the better i start to feel. when i look back i don't even think i can count myself at cycle 9- the first one was not at all timed well & is only a technical ttc cycle since we didn't use protection. i just need to stop whining- suck it up & keep going. it's bound to be soon statistically & if it's not then at least i can say that i gave my body a full year to recover from surgery before starting to freak out (too much).

besides- i am a little ashamed at how impatient & weak i feel i have been recently. there will always be people who get things very easily as i struggly for them, but i will and probably have been that person for someone else. i can not feel sorry for myself based on someone else's life. now- i can feel sad & frustrated that i seem to have to struggle for things at times, trying for a baby being the hardest thing i have ever gone through. but i should not lose sight of who i am and what i already have in the process. it is so easy to do- i find myself wrapped up in the self-pity of not getting pregnant, of the struggle & heartbreak. so much that i take my husband for granted, i forget to be myself & enjoy the life that i am lucky to have.

now- i am not demeaning the struggle. trying to conceive is the hardest, most emotional experience of my life. and i am so far one of the lucky ones with no known problems or roadblocks to overcome. as far as i know my husband & i are perfectly healthy with a standard 20-25% chance of conceiving our child every month. it's just possibly taking us more time than we originally thought. i see my friends, women who continue to go through heartbreak & struggle every month after years and i am ashamed that i have complained- even if it is only to myself- of how hard it is for me. i can be stronger than this. i can be myself again, be positive & happy.

i just need to remember this more often, make it stick. ttc sucks, but in the end i can't think of anything more worth it.

i hate this crap

i haven't been trying to have a baby all that long- really no time at all in the grand scheme of things. but my heart breaks every single month & i feel so bleak about the prospect of ever becoming a mommy. yet it is the one thing in my life that i can say with certainty that i want more than anything. theone thing i will never give up on- no matter how much it hurts or what i need to do to get it. my brain says one thing, but hearts just not there. i know that i still have plenty of time to get pregnant naturally, much less explore other options- of which there are a plethora. but i feel like it is a neverending uphill battle. even though i am only at the botom- just seeing the distance to the top has me weary & wanting to quit. and yet i can't. i can't just give up & i probably never will. like the man crawling from the desert after being stranded for weeks- i will push on through because i know no other way. but is my life, my personality changing in the process? i wish i could turn back the clock emotionally & regain my hope & my positive outlook. my assurance that i will get pregnant, i will be a mother. it has left me at the moment.

and yet- i move foward. this month i begin temping/charting again & i am about to buy opk's for the first time. i will put one foot in front of the other & go through the motions. surround myself with non-pregnant friends & no babies for a bit. maybe my heart will switch gears and sunny skies will return. then again- maybe not. -my mother just recently told me that my grandmother tried for 9 years (yes-years) before having her 3 daughters. is there something hereditary in my family that i should look for- i don't know!
my sister- ever the voice of reason - reminded me that my grandfather was in wwii for a few of those 9 years, so we really shouldn't count them. thanks jess!
my heart is automatically thinking the worst as my brain tries to reason with it. why can i not make them see eye to eye?!


some good news: i am being sent to get LEED certified for work. i will be the only designer at my job with this certification which means that any clients that want to have their projects be green & certified- i will have to work on it. great news because i am passionate about green design, and i will get to work on really cool projects! oh- and the fantastic job security. additionally i am also in charge of handling all our standardization. that's actually quite technical & boring, but hey- at least they think i can do it!
the shop is starting to pick up & be more consistent & tom is joining a gym. i have lost almost 10 pounds & only have another 10 to go to a good weight- not my all time ideal, but a good one none the less. so hopefully by the time i get my positive attitude back i will be smoking hot with my greek god husband, get a raise because i am the most knowledgeable person in my office, & then i will get that second line & life will be absolutely perfect...

what a mix

my weekend was a rollercoaster. first there was the excitement (and bittersweet emotions for me) of my friend having her first baby. Then i went to the beach with a friend. about an hour before leaving- AF finally arrived. i knew she would- but now i also know that listening to my husband on the let's take things as they come approach was not good at all. we missed it. even if i had a perfect 14 day lp- which i am pretty sure i do not- i would have had only the day before. since i am pretty sure that my lp is 13 days- that means i had sex 2 days before. hubby & i got busy then tired & no sex for almost 2 weeks after that! so out comes the thermometer & the opk's this month. i am just really getting tired of the endless heartbreak. it's starting to get too hopeless. i really want to see that second line, but every month that passes without one makes me start to doubt even more that it will ever happen.

the beach was great- relaxing & fun. the first cycle in a while that i didn't cry once on day1. the downside- i was an idiot about the sunscreen & got burnt. badly. i am a peppermint stick- all red & white. and it hurts.

then yesterday Tom was weedwacking & found a littel baby bird on our yard. i put it in a little box outside with some water & fed it with a dropper. i didn't want it to get eaten overnight so i brought it in the house in the spare bedroom. when i got up this morning i got the little dropper to feed it again- went in the room & found a stiff little bird. i feel horrible- what if i killed it? what if by taking it in the house or by feeding it or by not feeding it overnight i caused it's death??!! i hate this. i know it happens in nature every day- but i was supposed to be helping an innocent helpless little creature. what a way to start the week...

no longer waiting

for my friend's baby that is. she's on her way to the hospital now & will be a mommy by tomorrow. it's official- we will never be pregnant together. not even for a day. happy heartbreak.

this week's theme is ...waiting...

i am still waiting for af to show up. she is showing no signs of cooperating. this next cycle i can start temping again & even okp'ing. i just need this cycle to start. i got yet another bfn this morning. after waking up from a very vivid dream of poas & seeing a second line i woke up & had to go to the bathroom. i thought- why not, even though i was going to wait until tomorrow. lo & behold- no second line. granted- it was early, i was tired & i didn't wait the whole 2 minutes before getting frustrated & throwing it out. i really didn't have to. i am now down to a less than 1% chance that this is the month- but i am going on 2 days late. the only thing i can't help thinking- what if? that's why miss hope sucks- she pumps you full of what if's.

what if i didn't implant until monday when i felt these weird pulling pinching cramps? does that mean that not enough hcg would have built up by today? technically possible- highly improbable. but sure enough- miss hope stays right behind my ear whispering her evil little sweet nothings, goading me into believing in the impossible.

oh- and my friend & coworker is still waiting to have her baby- 2 days behind her due date- she may be induced today- so she will know before i do, but i am pretty sure af will wait to show up until she has her baby- bitter- but i bet you it's true...