while my head and heart are reeling and attempting to process this past weeks events (each new face on the news looks like my boy or girl grown by only the shortest of years) and the holidays are coming and life has a way of marching on- or occasionally trampling.
we had a very expensive month last month with a very long rented car ride to visit sick family. the visit was great and the car rides surprisingly handle-able... but not something i am aching to repeat. then coming home to find a neighbors utter carelessness had caused damage to our car- not taken on said car trip so we could make sure it was ok- and thankfully neighbor pays for damage. but lo and behold our only vehicle is now in need of additional repair that the hub just does not have the resources to do in our driveway, on his back, in the cold. so $2k later we have a brand new-ish car and a whole lot of debt to pay off.
now we are slammed with a decision we knew was a possibility but not yet. it is too soon for this and we are not ready. we need to decide if we stay here and continue to struggle (now me, the breadwinner without a job and looking- or not...) or do we try to pick up and move (with decent assistance, but still a scary housing market) and plop ourselves in the middle of this great land with all associated culture shock for us- but great opportunity for career and family...
it's pretty much a no-brainer, but still hard. still a lot of stress and a lot of soul searching and potential heartache. i will leave my coast. i love my coast. i love being of this coast- the attitude, the resilience, the toughness and resourcefulness. the culture and the feeling. the mountains and the ocean- all within a few hours of my door. but my children could grow with kindness and opportunity. we can have more, be more, and live more in some ways. i will be farther from those i know and love- and right now that is hard to think of, but i do know that the hub and i will carve out our space anywhere. i will make friends and companions anywhere and so will the kiddos. they could go to great schools. 10 out of 10 schools. here we will struggle to supplement our local failing public system. we need to do this.
but i am scared. i am scared of failing, of making the wrong move and getting stuck. of not selling our house here. there are certain safeguards and i have faith we will be ok- but it is still scary.
but the kiddos are so good. pumpkin is astounding. so creative, so dramatic. she tells stories and performs. she is rich with imagination and while challenging she is the perfect 3 year old. without any of the shyness or reticence i expected. even without being in a structured school environment she is so smart. so quick to learn. and with a memory i know i will be in awe of., and need to be careful for.
and 2.0...my sweet bruiser. he is so physical- putting things together and taking them apart. wrestling, climbing, exploring the world with strong baby arms. but so sweet. the first thing he says when pumpkin and i get him in the morning is her name. and the last thing he does at night is give everyone a big sloppy kiss. he still doesn't say much, but this week he learned what eyes, ears and noses are. i absolutely love this age and want to bottle them both up.
i have very specific thoughts brought on by the recent tragedies- ones i have not yet fully thought through myself, but the prevailing thought is that there are 20 families waking up with presents to be unopened. little tiny bodies that should be hugged and cuddled and should be telling them crazy princess alligator stories and they never will again.
there are 6 heroines who threw themselves in harms way. so many are around my age, or my mothers age (she works in a school with youngins herself- and i know she would be one of the first to try and save those babies or throw herself in front of harms way too) it all hits close. i can not imagine the devastation felt by all these families. i can feel the barest sliver because of an acutely empathetic nature- but i pray i will never know how these families feel. i do know my heart is bleeding for them. and i can only hope they and their angels get some peace in the coming year.
