light em up

in honor of post #420 i would like to take a chill moment.

ah- the weekend. it's been so long since i have looked forward to a weekend like this. i'm not complaining at all, but i did miss my little pumpkin this week! i kept her up way too late last night to cuddle & woke her up to hang out with me before i left. and left the hub to deal with the consequences. which he did beautifully- she is happy & actually drinking a little milk every day- a grand total of 8 ounces this week. not a lot at all- i'm sure she drinks that in one nursing session, but it is improvement. i tried to stay calm & relaxed while pumping today & got an extra half ounce. next week i'm going to try bringing one of her tee shirts or something & if that doesn't work i'll take rachel's advice & pump once at night too. not that she drinks even what i bring home in a day- so again, trying not to stress about it!

tomorrow i go to that derby match- i am very excited to see my friend. she's the one who threw my shower & since she's a teacher in another state she has never met the pumpkin! she is the friend who had a shit time of it with her ex-husband who decided he wanted a divorce 4 months after the wedding & then shacked up & impregnated a mutual friend's ex girlfriend. yeah- a real winner there. but i know it still stings when she is around someone pregnant or getting married. if anyone can relate- i think i can. i would never push her, but i am really glad that we get to hang out this weekend.
speaking of being around pregnant women- there sure are a lot in my life right now. a bumper crop (get it?! hahaha- i'm a dork) of bloggy buddies, the neighbor across the street, a good friend & an acquaintance that had gone through multiple ivf's after a cancer diagnosis. my 'real life' pregnant ladies are all pregnant after going through some hardships- i am so happy for them & thankful that everything seems to be going well so far. after losses, scary news & really scary inconclusive test reports it looks like they are in the clear, but if you could send some good thoughts their way that would be great!
i was amazed at the difference in myself with all of these announcements. yes- there is sometimes a little sting of 'why not me?' that i doubt will ever really disappear. i remember the struggle & the pain of not getting pregnant & having to try. i also remember the pain i felt for myself at announcements of people who had barely gotten through the first 3 months of trying- if they were trying at all. i thought those feelings would all disappear completely after getting pregnant, but they didn't quite. i still felt a little pang- gone almost as fast as it showed up, but still there.
this time i was overwhelmingly happy. i can only think that the pumpkin has a lot to do with it- knowing that the ends justify the means goes a long way to eliminating the little green monster of jealousy. but i also think that hearing the stories of how hard this journey is in all its forms has really helped me to grow beyond the self-focused me i was back then. my first thought 3 years ago was 'why not me', my first thought yesterday with another announcement was just being happy for my friend. i have become so much more aware in the three years since i first started trying. i don't want to lose that. finding this community & beyond that- hearing more & more women talking about their experiences sheds a much needed light. i never really thought about if & loss before- now i know how prevalent it really is in our daily lives. we all know someone, many someones in fact, that has suffered in some way and the more i hear the more i pay attention. the more i want to share my own experiences & listen to others, because even just listening & talking can change a mindset.

hrm- i'm not sure where that all popped out from. this space is usually very self-focused (which i am not apologizing for- it's my blog & i treat it as my journal- of course it's going to be all about me!) but lately i've been feeling like looking out.

well... hope the weekend is good for everyone- i am officially getting excited for our big plane ride & very fun visit in roughly 19 days & 12 hours. not that i'm counting or anything. but i am really glad i have so much going on & to look forward to- first holidays, first plane rides, first trip out west (for me!). oh- and halloween is next weekend so i really need to get cracking on the costume! is makeup bad for a 7 month old? ;o)