i have so much- yet so little going on right now- i feel like i have nothing to post about, yet there's actually a lot going on! the hub's brother moved in with us last week & all is going well- albeit a bit of an adjustment there. the animals (oh so many of them!) are mainly getting along- except for my poor old cat which is causing more tension than i enjoy between the hub & i. pumpkin is having the time of her life & actually slept for 3 nights in a row... i whisper as to not jinx that! we finally got new curtains (cheap target curtains, but not the crappy blinds) that we've been meaning to do for 5 years. i lost a little weight- then had a horrible saturday night in which i ate way too much crap. not a ton- but after a solid week of being really good i feel it!
i know i mentioned family planning conversations. it's funny because i swear it changes daily. personally i don't know where i stand yet- i honestly feel most days i could & would be very happy & complete with our family of 3. then there are moments where i wonder about 1 more... not now- not even ready to think about it that seriously until maybe a year from now- but still. the slight conflict has me thrown. before we started trying for her- we both always thought we'd have 2 kids. he had said that he'd be okay with 1, me saying i'd like 2 & he was fine with that too. but then after almost 2 years of trying & now having her- i am not so sure i need a second. my wavering comes at moments when i see a new baby or hold one- but i think that is pretty normal no matter how complete or incomplete your family is. there is something about a brand new baby that seems to inspire want in those that have that instinct in them. even before we decided we were ready- holding a new baby made me, for that instant, want my own so badly. even now- when i can look over at my angel, it makes me yearn for that precious mewling little babe again. then the moment is gone & i am complete with my pumpkin. the only other time i wonder about another child is when i think about my experience with my sister. and then i see the hub & his brother. i want pumpkin to be able to experience that as well. that special bond is pretty amazing. then i think of my best friend- an only child- and how our relationship is like that of sisters- only better since we've been as close for nearly 20 years without a single fight between us. and i know there are other ways to get those relationships in her life. so- yes. conflict is here with me daily!
then there's the hub. literally 2 days ago he turned and looked at me after some amazing thing she did & said- maybe we should have another. then today after talking about the sleepless nights he said that we are done. the same thing happens weekly- he will be smitten with her & something incredibly cute or some milestone she has just hit & want another child. then he will clean out the corner of the guest room of all the baby stuff she's outgrown & want to get rid of it claiming we are done. (it's all in the basement- neither one of us is truly there to definitively say be gone with the old car seat or swing) i don't truly think that either of us will be ready to say what is truly in our hearts as far as our family being complete until we understand it ourselves. seeing the devastation the past 2 weeks in hai.ti makes us both want to run out & help as many of those children as we can. it has opened up a dialog about how we would grow our family and that has added a whole new dimension of confusion into the mix. there's just so much to sort through & on both sides we need to work it out. so- like i said... no announcements or anything- just a whole lotta figuring shit out.
i leave you with a little series of recent pumpkin related pictures- because she really is so awesome & if she was our one & only- she is enough.
the new face- such joy, i couldn't delete the pic even though it is technically not good at all!
a little series i like to call: momma's gonna be so gray after this!
she climbed all the way to the top. by herself. twice. of course the hub & i were literally a step behind her the whole time. but still- not even 10 months old!
ignore the carrot covered face- she was just so happy & you can see all 3 (almost 4!) of her teeth. love it!
2 comments:
THE GRIN!!! (remember "the grin" of Karl's? That is exactly it!)
Your brother in law moved in with you? I think I'm missing something.
Ah. The want of another child and the idea that all is complete. It's hard with the sleepless nights. you know our story with Allison. She didn't sleep through the night until 2 years old (and a quiet YAY about the last 3 nights!) and it was HARD. We were ttc again but we couldn't fathom having to do the sleepless nights again, or at least continue. It wasn't until AFTER she slept that we really wanted another baby again - all the time. Just as much as we wantd the first 2. I know that doesn't make sense since we were ttc, but hopefully you'll get what I am trying to say!
I'm off to read the last 3 posts I've missed of yours!
Happy baby!! Look at her! I can't believe she's climbing stairs already. WOW.
I've already said that I only wanted one child, that twins would be the only way we'd ever have more than one. But... sigh. I admit that I find myself reconsidering the firmness of my stance (still quite firm, but wavering ever so slightly...) since I've found out we're having two boys. I'm already in love with these two, and I don't want a third child, but a piece of me wonders whether or not I'm always going to be okay never having a daughter. Makes me feel like an arrogant infertile, like I could have the audacity to go through all of this again just to try for a girl (like I could even get pregnant that easily anyway). Whatever. My point is that the only time my family-size-plans come into question is when I think about whether I want a daughter or not. And I don't know how to answer that yet.
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