random thoughts on thursday

i know i haven't posted much anything of substance lately. i don't know that there's much to say. well- i have volumes i could say. but none of it is worth anything.

the hubs & i are stressed. and fighting. and stressed about fighting. and it's all bad. but i know it's hopefully temporary & once we get through some thing sit will get better. but that could realistically be another 6 months out. and it's been a hard year so another 6 months sometimes feels like an impossibility. my job is tough- not tough in the work i do (although there is a definite challenge there & a degree of thought & talent & ingenuity & massive amounts of concentration & coordination needed) but it is tough in the amount of work we are getting along with the time we have to do it. it is a hard industry- made even harder by recession. now that we are seeing the barest glimmers of hope that things are improving, the frustration that we can't just jump back to where we were- much less ahead to where we need to be- is hitting an all-time high. it is doubly hard to explain to the hubs why i must put in more hours for less pay & he is stuck (literally since we only have one car now) at home with the baby all day & into the evening. and he does a lot with his time. he makes me fucking dinner every night so we can eat as a family. and i love that. but there are nights i can not leave before 6 or 6:30- and my commute is nearly an hour. with a one year old who needs to be in bed by 8:30 at the very latest on a good nap day, this poses a lot of scheduling challenges.

i get time with my daughter only when she is tired and cranky during the week. i miss her first steps, i am losing her schedule- my innate knowledge of what she needs. and for what- to barely pay the bills? i am hoping it gets better soon, because it is truly hard to justify what i do (for a company that i believe in so much i went back after they had to lay me off) for the amount i get paid. also knowing that should my husband finally get one of those many jobs he applies for week after week- he will make nearly double what i do. with no college education what-so-ever. no student loans. we both work in fields where your knowledge helps keep people safe & happy, but i paid $80 grand to learn it while he got paid while learning. it makes me want to go to every bright eyed design student & smack em hard with a 'real life' lesson!

i am also gaining weight- i was doing so well for so long there. i was motivated- got up early & worked out. i ate really well & had made it within 4 pounds of my initial goal. stress and i are not friends- i am not one of those women that lose weight & turn into sticks when under stress. i balloon up & then hate myself which turns into more apathy & even more weight put on. it is a truly vicious cycle made worse because i can recognize it, but feel powerless to stop it.

pumpkin has also apparently weaned herself. the last time we nursed was last friday morning. while i still go in & change her & cuddle her in the morning, i do miss our special time. i know she is getting bigger & it wasn't going to be forever. i am also really proud of myself for being able to nurse her beyond a year- even if the last few months were only once or twice a day. i loved nursing. i loved looking down on her sweet face & having our special time. i felt so protective- so strong. i felt like i was doing everything right- even if it was only those 10 minutes at a time.

so- a lot of stuff going on this week/month. but nothing i can really feel in control of. i am attempting to be better at handling my stress- but i fear that i am just at my limit. i could probably use a vacation, but can't afford to go anywhere. i am trying to be better with the hub- but i can only hope that he is better with me also. i daydream daily about winning the lottery- or him getting a better paying job than me- and me staying home with pumpkin & maybe having another one. but then i remember how much i love being a designer too. how to get the cake & have the time & energy to actually eat it... million dollar question.

anyway- this weekend should be a blast- tomorrow night i am going to a fashion show with an awesome friend who always hooks me up with free tickets to things! then saturday- which is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous!- we get to meet a fellow bloggy buddy & her gorgeous lovey girl! i am very excited about it & hope i get a nice little recharge before monday comes. it's also been a really tough 2 weeks after a challenging few months- so a little burnout is probably normal & to be expected.

anyone have any ideas for cheap cheap cheap vacations? in the tri-state area (nj, pa, de- can go as far as md or ny...)? thanks!