almost a month?

i can't believe it's been almost a month between posts... things are still basically the same around here. lots of stress, anxiety & worry about many things. the in-laws were in a car accident. everyone's fine but that had us all worried for a while there. it also makes me realize just how much i wish i had my family closer sometimes. i look at my friends who all have family in the area & there is such a strong support network. my friends have become my family- but i know it is never really the same for them. which is fine- but it also means that i rely on them to fill a role they may not be able to. lately i am the needy friend- try as i do not to be. but my friends are fantastic and i am truly blessed to have many wonderful true friends i know i can count on.

lately i have been losing my positive attitude. frankly i am amazed it has taken this long with the past couple of years. but i am in a definite funk & it is taking a major toll. it just feels like lately there have been sucker punches left & right. work is busy- sometimes too busy & then a stressful project comes along. punch. my manager/mentor is leaving. punch. my car gets totalled. punch. my in-laws are in a car wreck. punch. i am too broke to put gas in the car at the end of the month without starting to charge things (which after what we have gone through getting ourselves out of debt i refuse to do) punch. we can not afford a vacation because 2 trips to see grandparents during the summer takes the entire summer to save up for. punch. the past month or maybe two has been a blur of trying to recover from the punches & simultaneously duck & cover for the inevitable next one. which never works.

so i think it makes sense that i am feeling bitter and roughed up by the universe. but i also know that despite everything- that attitude is not the one to have. nothing good will come of it & in fact bad things have popped up already because my heart & emotions are plainly worn on my face. and my negativity is projected outward like porcupine spines warning & wounding all around me. despite the fact that i do feel frustrated, i am hurt and bruised right now- no one deserves to be lashed out on & i have to eat some humble pie & take one on the chin in an effort to get myself back to where i need and want to be. the ever hopeful optimist that can be the cheerful bubbly person i used to be. maybe a little wiser and more realistic (i will never again be fooled that anyone but me is in charge of my own well being, future, attitude or outlook). but i need to change, not just for my own benefit of not having ulcers & an early heart attack, but because i have the world's most adorable little girl who imitates all we do. i don't want her to think that anything in this world can change her or bring her down. i want her to always look forward and realize that there are only possibilities- even in situations that feel like they hold no options. and if i think it i can be it... right? because this smile, this joy, should be all she knows now:

on a happier note: she is doing so amazingly. she is running up and down the sidewalks every night. she takes the stairs on her own because she is so darn independent. she helps walk the dog every morning and feeds herself with her fork and spoon every night. she still loves her morning& nighttime bottles- but we are slowly getting the night one down to nothing. she sleeps 10 to 12 hours a night and hates the bath when she is overtired. she loves all things 'doggie' and elmo is her favorite toy. (and the only time she watches tv...) she says about 8 words and is really just an easy, happy, wonderful toddler- even if she is increasingly stubborn and independent like her parents. a few tantrums have occurred and she will be a challenge, but a wonderful one!