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that's how many days i have left. wow. i need to take another belly pic since i am 24 weeks now. and this puppy's huge! i looked back at some belly shots from pumpkin and i think i am definitely bigger this time around. by a long shot. my face is much thinner though. and the belly is lower this time too.

i have a few things to look forward to in the next few weeks. more ultrasounds to check the boys kidneys. he still had a little excess fluid at this weeks check, but it seemed to have gone down some based on the numbers i saw & what i remembered from the initial ultrasound. i also think i will be paying these off for the rest of the year. i have hit my deductible already. at february 10th. so i guess at least delivery will just be the 20% co-insurance & i think maybe a copay for the hospital stay. we also may be able to take the itemized deduction for medical next year. because i certainly couldn't take it this year. having a salary double what i was making at the last job is great in the day to day- but when tax time comes & you were hoping that money would pay for your non-existent maternity leave & you get hit with the middle class tax no-man's-land it actually really sucks.

of course- we can afford for me to take what i will hopefully be lucky enough to get. 6 weeks. i can use vacation time for part of it- about 2 weeks. then (and only with a doctors note saying i need a minimum of 6 weeks) can i pay out of pocket for everything- including $400/month for my portion of healthcare premiums. we have enough saved & from tax return to get everything we need for pumpkin's new room, the new little man & my 6 weeks leave. i am just feeling stretched & already feeling like i am giving this little boy the short stick & he isn't even here yet. life was hard when pumpkin was born & her first year. but i was with her. i had 6 months of penniless time with my first miracle & now my 2nd- who really truly is a miracle baby (and i am hoping miraculous healthy and kidney problem free!) gets to hang with his mommie for only 6 weeks. 6 weeks that daddy will be basically gone during since he wants to make as much money as he can while i am home & my attention will be a third what it should be for him since pumpkin is almost 2. and very much a 2 year old! i am nervous about going back to work and being able to pump & nurse him. pumpkin had nothing but breastmilk for 9 months. as soon as i went back to work my supply suffered. i know we will all do what we have to do, but i just wish that life would ease up on me a bit. it seems like every wonderful thing that happens has two or three shitty things to deal with along with it.

my father & my father-in-law are both in poor health. i want them both around to be a part of 2.0's life. and pumpkin's. the hub & i are at each other's throats these days. i am like a piece of floss stretched so tight that one more twist & i will break. and i know i am tense with him, but he is over reacting & lashing out at me. there are too many fights about my 'attitude' and his 'lack of respect'. we both need to take more care with each other- but i am so exhausted & worried and freaked out by things that i can really only think about pumpkin & 2.0. thinking about myself doesn't ever happen & i need him to do that for me. he does a lot around the house. he is the primary caregiver for our daughter & takes care of us both very well. hell- i get my lunches made in the morning while he makes hers for school & dinner is usually being made on my way home at night. but the care i need is emotional. i need gentleness and calmness. i am a pretty strong lady, but every now & then i need to be propped up. this happens when i am home & feel like i should be safe. he is the one who sees me weak, and that is when i need to be treated with kid gloves. so that i can then be ready to be strong & face the next thing that inevitably comes along.

bah- i am whiny. i am tired. i am huge & not sleeping well. i am worried about my new baby & concerned about how my first baby will handle everything. i want to be assured that my job is stable & i am doing well there. i want to know that my future is brighter than it was a year ago. that my family will be alright & i will finally be able to breathe easy.

nothing too much. right?