i am about to have a birthday in a few weeks that puts me squarely in my 30's. i still occasionally feel like the 16 year old high school kid searching for approval- but i am somewhat surprised to notice that this feeling has diminished incredibly in the past year. i just don't have time for self-consciousness or doubt anymore. as hard as being a bread-winning breastfeeding mother of 2 young children all while trying to further my career & prove i really can 'do it all' - i have noticed that i can handle & juggle a lot more than i ever thought possible.
don't get me wrong- it is incredibly difficult to try to be super-mom & super-designer. super-wife has really taken a beating the past 3 months or so... super-hub has some work to do too... but we are trying. and we are talking at least a little more than we are fighting & we are both so committed to making our family not only work- but thrive, that i can trust that this little difficult moment is a temporary speed bump. i am confident now in ways i never thought possible. 4 months after kiddo #2 i am starting to fit into my clothes again & while i will never be the size 2 supermodel- i look pretty damn good for a mom at this point. and i have the confidence to say that now. i can also say that i am really really good at my job & am finally in a position that recognizes that fact- which really does wonders for my overall happiness. as much as i loved the potential of my previous job & still love the coworkers that became so much more as friends- i am now in a place that allows me to define what i am capable of & be recognized when i meet or exceed that- which is actually quite often. i know i sound like i am bragging- and i am a bit- but i was always the introvert- the shy unassuming girl- apologetic for my successes and excusing any recognition or appreciation while allowing myself to be taken advantage of by doing much more than was ever noticed for absolutely no payback- whether monetary or even just the pat on the back that i so desperately craved. changing jobs/career paths in the midst of a horrible recession with a young child was the scariest thing i have done (aside from IF treatments and the wait to get to be a parent) but it has also been very gratifying. it was one of the best decisions i could have made & no matter what- i couldn't have continued to support my family (or possibly even have our little bear right now) if i hadn't of made it.
i don't know why this has been on my mind lately. we still are having issues with pumpkin & school- she is having such a hard time adjusting to new teachers, and the hub & i are still having our moments that make me question whether we will get past just being good parents & become good partners/spouses again. but i have been reflecting on myself & how my life has changed in the past 3-4 years. how i have changed. i am stronger & doing so much more than i thought i was ever capable of. but now my focus has changed. i still want my career- i want to do well at the job i love & when i get recognized for it i am thrilled. but i am just as happy to leave work behind at 5:30 every day & go home to enjoy the thing i work so hard for. and the smiles i can't live without.
i am traveling a bit for work next month & it has me so conflicted. i am happy to be able to see a little more of our country & honestly to have a night to myself with what i am hoping is a blissful 6 hours of sleep & maybe even a relaxing bath!!!! but the thought of leaving my wonderful, stressful, blissful little family even for 36 hours has me wishing i could pack them all up too!
2 comments:
I wish I could say the 30's get easier - but as I get closer to my late 30's I'm not finding that to be the case.
It's nice to hear that things are starting to get easier. Brag all you want!! I think that if you've had to struggle at some point it makes the good times all that much better.
Brag away. I think that you are doing an incredible job of being a super-mom and a good friend. So glad to hear that things are getting a little easier.
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