so... um yeah- I have a blog now

I keep thinking to myself that I need to start writing the crap in me head down somewhere- why not in full view of the entire world- right?

So- I'm still working on it- but the short story is that I have a great life- mainly. I am really happy to be married to my first love & best friend. I have a great house that I love. I love my job- mainly & my 2 dogs- mostly.

That said- I am grateful to just be here- one year ago I was told that I had a congenital defect in my kidney that had never been diagnosed before & now was causing massive infections. After months of tests it had to be removed. I was lucky. I got to the hospital quickly & avoided septicemia (massive internal infection) and when I had my kidney removed it was done by a wonderful doctor at a terrific hospital. I was able to leave after only 2 days & I was back to work in 2 weeks. Today I am completely fine, but I'll probably never wear a bikini again due to 2 small ugly looking scars. The 3rd one has practically disappeared though.

This experience was one of those life-changing ones for me. Tom & I had always talked about having kids, but in that 'someday far in the future' sense. We had also always discussed adoption- which we both still want to do. After my initial hospital visit I literally woke up & had this huge desire to have a child- to carry it for 9 months & create a life. I couldn't explain it or rationalize- but for the next 7 months it was all I wanted & I couldn't even begin to plan for it, much less try for it. The doctor's made it very clear that if I were to get pregnant- they couldn't operate & my kidney was nothing except a trap for infection. So we waited.

Then came my thankfully brief recovery- more waiting. Finally the day came when we could start trying- what a strange and wonderful day. All my life I was petrified of getting pregnant & suddenly it was my main goal in life. There is a lot of emotion & hope those first few months. Fast foward 6 months and I am still waiting. I became very obsessive very quickly & trying became the only focus in my life - months of heartbreak after negative tests & a few other life changes led to a "break" from the obsessing. All the tools of conception have been put away & right now there is more of a day to day focus on our relationship & everything else. Which for me- ultimately- is healthier.