life has kind of taken over lately. a lot has happened in a really short time period. the hub has picked up another job (finally!) while the shop gets straightened out (maybe). he's being very realistic about it- which is the best thing he can do. he's still working at the shop when he has to, but also not relying on it working out. there's just too many issues with his business partner.
we've been running around getting him set up for his second job & since we still only have one car it's been an adjustment. he drops me off & picks me up at work, which is fine, but it's hard not having my car with me. it mainly hurts at lunch time right now, but it should be better soon. we are hopefully going to take our tax return & get a decent cheap used car. i'm doing our taxes today so hopefully i'll be able to figure out if there's enough.
we also now have absolutely beautiful floors in our living room. one coat of stain & one of poly. the old roomie STILL needs to pick up some of his stuff so the other coat will have to wait until we are sure he won't be stomping on it & ruining it. but for now the floors are somewhat done. it will be fantastic to finally check something off of the great list of shit to do around the house!
we have so much going on that i almost forgot that my appointment is in less than a week. 5 more days to get through. i took the afternoon off work & i keep getting asked what i am doing for valentine's day. i don't know how to answer. i'm excited to get some answers (maybe) but i have this part of me that is crying out that i don't want this appointment to have to happen at all. i'm 4 dpo today & i am sure that this isn't the month. all the craziness of this week meant no boom boom during magic time, except for once. we really have no shot and i can't latch on to hope that once will do it because we've had 14 other times that proved that we just aren't that lucky.
i kept seeing nothing but pregnant celebrities this week, which sparks talk amongst the moms in the office about how they were when they were pregnant. it just kind of sucks to see & hear about something that is so unsure in my life. i don't know if i will ever get to be one of those moms. if i can commiserate on how badly my ankles swelled, or how huge i got. i can't be sure that i can ever compare how much my face changed to how much j.lo's did. and that sure is a crappy thought. i can't wait to have that - every moment of discomfort & every extra pound & stretch mark. sure- enjoying my life is great and i am happy with how things are starting to go right now- but i know i will never feel 100% complete without a family. and i will mourn the lack of pregnancy if that's what my future holds.
i have found myself praying, wishing, dreaming, & begging for a miracle this month. it will most likely sound a little cuckoo, but i've been having these one sided conversations with my grandma. she who apparently went through infertility in the 40's & 50's. it took her 9 years, 1 late term loss, and perhaps a few miscarriages to have my mom & her 2 sisters. i wonder if there's a hereditary factor. it's just another thing that scares me in this. the hub had an infant hernia & i may have hereditary fertilty issues in my family. it makes me very nervous for what testing will show. anyway- the reason i've been asking my gran for a miracle is that my due date this month would be her birthday. my favorite cousin (who also had some secondary infertility problems) was born on her birthday. i believe in signs & i would love for this to be one. i can't put any faith in it, but there will always be that glimmer of hope (however faint & however much i try to suppress it). but as i'll only be 9 dpo at my appointment, where i don't expect they will do any actual testing anyway, i will have to wait to see what the outcome is. and keep trying to beat miss hope down with a great big bat...
4 comments:
When people ask what you are doing for V-day, tell them you have a date with the love wand ;-)
As for hope...we have a love/hate relationship, lol
The whole celebrity pregnancy thing is starting to annoy me too. Especially Angelina Jolie. Come on! She has one bio child and numerous adopted children and now she's pregant w/twins? WTF?
It sounds like you're heading in a good direction, even if it's not easy. Yay for your husband.
Did you do your floors yourself? I want to refinish my dining room floor. The weirdo who had my house before us put white carpet in the dining room, even though you have to walk through the dining room to go anywhere in the house. Needless to say, it is now disgusting. So yeah, if you did them yourselves, any good tips? (Other than "just relax..." :))
Man, I'm so impressed about your floors. I need to do mine as well, but I'm just too lazy at this point.
And H and I share a car, too. I, too, am the one left without a car (though it's my choice, since parking is free for him and expensive for me). I keep thinking that we'll get another car, but for now, it doesn't make sense. We've thought about using the tax return this year, but we've got to get a new computer at home and the rest is dedicated to paying off my (relatively small) credit card debt.
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