what do you get for four years?

yesterday marked the hub & i celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss... i can't recall what the traditional present is. just looked it up- fruit & flowers. well- i got these lovelies from my parents:

the hub actually surprised me with a very thoughtful & pretty card & a big chrome heart full of chocolate. and dinner waiting on the table for when i got home. it was such a nice anniversary. no bootie, but still very nice! it's also the last anniversary where it's just us. so strange to think about now- with less than 3 months to go it's all getting so very very real!

the belly has officially popped & i am looking mighty preggo! i'll have to take my pic tomorrow & share- i am far too beat tonight. i had a long day at work & then have been wrapping my mind around some pretty heavy financial stuff. we are hoping to refi the house & pay stuff off & lower our monthly payments. which is good because i still don't know about maternity leave & now the hub is worried about losing his job since his new shop isn't doing so great. all a lot of stress in a very short amount of time. i just hope it ends up working out. best case scenario- we have $500 extra every month- that goes a long way towards daycare (almost 3 weeks worth). which means we can worry less about what to cut or how to make it work- since it just will. we also get a little 2 month break from paying the mortgage. which can do a lot of good! & hopefully the hub either gets a new, better paying job- or gets to stay at this one for at least the next year.

worst case scenario- we get $300 extra a month, but the hub is out of work & now those extra mortgage payments are going to float us until he gets a new job. which would suck. but i guess we'd just make it work somehow.

wish us luck.
it's been a tough but wonderful 4 years for us. a lot of changes have happened, some good, some bad, some wonderful, some scary. we've both grown up, but we're still the same goofy kids who fell in love over 13 years ago. here's my 2 favorite photos from our wedding- i think they sum us up perfectly.

ah- christmas

i have to say that this christmas was one of the most stress free, quiet, relaxing christmas' we've had. not having (or getting depending on how you look at it) to travel really cuts down the stress. the hub & i even went out christmas eve & didn't want to run anyone off the road! ;o) knowing that we could just go home & relax with some hot cocoa made the crowds totally bearable. of course- you could tell we are in a recession as it was no problem finding parking & we only had to wait on line for about a minute.

the hub made us waffles on christmas morning. we cleaned the house a little & just hung out with each other. we watched 10,000 b.c. (which was okay- the cgi & effects were decent, but i wouldn't call it a great movie) he made chicken & i made whipped sweet potatoes. he attempted to make cookies while i showered earlier in the day, but didn't read the directions all that well & forgot the egg. which was a blessing in disguise since he severely undercooked them. needless to say- i will be resuming all baking duties around this house!

yesterday i went out with my neighbor to hit up the sales- again, not as crowded as i expected. i finished up my shopping for my best friend, & my parents. of course i had to hit up the clearance racks for little girl baby clothes & got caiden some really cute things. i have 14 weeks to go now- i have a feeling it will go by very quickly!

we're finally finishing up the painting on the nursery today. the hub wanted to spackle & touch up some things. then we just need to install trim & carpet & we are ready for furniture we haven't even gotten yet! i did find my crib set on crai.gslist for a steal- so i am going to try to get that sometime tomorrow or maybe monday. tomorrow my best friend comes over to take maternity photos- so i will have to post them once we are done- probably mid week or so. for now i will have to make due with the good old ghetto cell phone pic... which i still have to take- i'll pop that in later!

well- here's my ghetto belly pic- i have been painting this afternoon (which is 99% done now! Yay!!! just one more coat on the wall that got spackled & we are done!) i'm also picking up our crib set tomorrow- i got the bumper, quilt, fitted sheet, a decorative pillow, an extra sheet & the crib skirt- all for $40!!!! i am super excited esppecially since it just went on clearance & who knows if it will all be available whenever my shower rolls around. plus it's about 60% less than i would pay for even clearance prices! can you tell i love a bargain- even though i had this on my registry & theoretically wouldn't be paying for it anyway, lol!

okay- enough already- here's my sloppy 26 week pic. better ones will be forthcoming so excuse the outfit, hair, lack of makeup or care about personal appearance!

with clothing:

bare belly (somehow seems smaller this way):

i am bad

i know it's been like a week since i have posted. the hub & i went to visit our friends with their 3 week old over the weekend. it was awesome- she is very sweet with the cutest big cheeks & lips! seeing the hub holding her & interacting (well- as much as you can really interact with a 3 week old!) was heartwarming- as cheesy as that sounds. it has made it all a little more real for him & he keeps talking about 'my daughter'. he didn't however- change any diapers. he was too nervous to mess it up! i told him he will have to do it with caiden- there's no avoiding it. he claims he would rather learn on his own kid than mess someone else's up... he's stubborn so there is no arguing about how you could possibly mess up a diapering session with 3 other adults watching you do it!

i need to take my 24 week pic still. my best friend was supposed to come over this week to have a maternity/couple photo shoot, but her grandmother died so we are postponed. i have been very tired & lazy but i will attempt a ghetto cell phone pic at least today & post it tonight. i feel like the bump has gotten huge! we're both feeling her more & more. i call her my kung-fu monkey. (monkey because i am sure she will be hairy like her mom & dad)

i know i harp about my weight- especially those last two posts. believe me- i am fine with gaining 8 pounds in a month if that's what my body needs to do. it isn't even so much the weight (although honestly there is a former fat girl in here that gets heard every now & then) it's the fact that i just knew i hadn't gained that much since the scale jumped overnight. i have a control issue with being right. i don't need to be right all the time or anything- but when i know i am right i can not let it go! and since the hub gets tired of hearing it- it comes out here! i also know that i have had a very small weight gain & somehow i don't want to feel like i am rubbing it in or anything irl. so unfortunately- it sounds like i am neurotic about it here. which is fair in a way- i am! from now on though- since there's only 15 weeks left (holy crap!) i will only update for record, no more neurosis! (okay- maybe one or two, i can't go cold turkey!)


and yes- nancy- there's another paragraph about it. but it's the last one. ;o) i'll update later with a photo to literally overshadow it with my ginormous belly!

i hate baseball

i actually tolerated baseball the best out of every sport. watching live is much better than on tv. i had more fun at the hockey game i went to, but i played softball growing up & some of my fondest memories are my dad taking me & my sister to m.ets games as a kid. (even though he likes the yan.kees much better- some reason that's who we went to)

but since moving to my wonderful hood - which i really do like 99% of the time- i have been surrounded by the type of rabid fan that my city is famous for. well- now we are famous for actually winning a championship. (yes- it was exciting to see that last game, even if it was hated for the circumstances, even if i only flipped it on during commercials) my hood exploded. literally. all the neighbors poured out into the streets, screaming & chanting while they went to congregate at a major intersection. 3,000 or so of them. the news helicopters & police sirens joined the cacophony of voices, screams, fireworks, and horns. this was all fine at 10pm when the game ended. i was extremely tired from being up at 5 & walking all day for that convention. i got home after 6 and it was just a long fucking day. all i wanted to do was sleep. i was in bed by 9:30. alas- my hood prevented that. my team prevented that. until 1 fucking am. seriously- who needs to scream about a world series until 1 am? 3 hours? i stuffed tissues in my ears because we had no more ear plugs. i finally passed out after tossing & turning & cursing the horns & helicopters more than anything. voices are much easier to ignore.

not to mention the fact that my part pit big old pup is really a giant wuss. he hopped up on our bed at the first crack of a firecracker & had to be snuggled & pet until he was comfortable enough to fall asleep. this is only after having to go out twice because he gets a very scared bladder in these situations.

and i'm really fucking cranky in general because things are not fantastic around here with the hub, his job, money- or lack of it, and the fact that since he is now tense about all this he refuses (or can't- whatever) have sex with me. this is after our open & honest discussion about why the fuck we've only had sex once in the 15 weeks i have known about the pregnancy. apparently it freaked him out, but he said he would work on it. ha.

so today i am bone tired, cranky, bitter, frustrated, & worried. i should be a joy to be around... thank you world series.

so behind

i have my 16 week photo- taken at only 16w4d! i know- i'm a slacker! the good news is that the bump is officially here! now- of course this photo was taken at the end of the day- plus i'm wearing a dress so no sexy naked belly, but you really get the idea! (don't mind the mess- we're cleaning everything we don't use out to make some storage room for the rest of the nursery stuff... anyone looking for a pot rack or a clock?)
it looks really high in this picture too... less than two weeks until the big u/s & hopefully knowing if we are planning for a penis- or a no penis (as my derby girlfriend put it!) i can't wait- we have the boys name set- it's been the same for almost 2 years & we still love it, but the girls name is a bit harder. we are down to two top contenders, but aren't thinking much more about it until we know. so hopefully this kid behaves at some point during the hour they are taking pics & measurements! it will be nice to walk into an appointment & look like i belong there with all the other big bellies.

i have a halloween party to go to tomorrow & on halloween. costumes are tricky. i'm not quite pregnant enough to go as anything obvious & funny- like a pregnant nun (!) but who knows if i will ever have the opportunity to dress a bump for halloween again. i'm going to the first one as as.hley simps.on - easy costume: black t-dress, converse, hoody, straight hair- i already have the bangs, big sunglasses & lots of black eyeliner. the hub can even throw on his own hoody & be Pe.te W.ent.z. without the makeup & straightened hair...

but the next one is all friends- so i have something very special planned. i hope to get to it this weekend, so i will post a pic if it turns out well!

big day

so today i had my almost 16 week appointment- i'm a few days early. no big news there- weight was down 1.5 pounds from 4 weeks ago, but they're not concerned yet & i eat healthy & am keeping most food down. i think if i am not up or *gasp* even down more in another 4 weeks i will be concerned, but since i have the scale at home i can monitor myself pretty well. blood pressure is good, my initial screening results looked 'crazy good' (exact quote!) got to her my little spring roll's heart beat which is always over too quickly!
the big day happened after i sat down for lunch. i felt a little tiny flutter right where i knew SR was since that's where the doppler found the beat. i thought it must be gas, but then i felt it again in the same spot. since i'm 15w3d it's not impossible that i actually felt my baby move today! even if i didn't- i'm sticking with it because i am on cloud nine right now. (oh- and no gas for at least 3 hours after that, just an fyi!)

i can't wait to post the 16w pic too, although i keep getting told that i look skinny by people who don't know yet. in my defense i think my face thinned out a lot right around the iui & then the first few weeks of actually being pregnant. i promise i am being healthy- i get so nervous every time someone says i look skinny- like i'm already a bad mom! (i know i'm not & apparently pregnancy just does this to me... i should always be pregnant hahahahahahaha!!!!

in other big news the hub mentioned being a stay at home dad today... we haven't worked out any numbers yet for anything- i still need to get daycare options to do that. but it could be a serious option. one that i would honestly be rather thrilled with. he's never been the office type. he's always been an independent, self- employed kind of guy. but he is creative & energetic & would be good at staying home & not going bonkers like i am sure i would. he doesn't seem to need to interact with people all day while i crave human contact. i would also rather know my child is with their dad than wonder if the daycare i chose has some sort of scandal waiting to pop out. it's all still very early & not even talked about yet, but if we could work it it could be great!

so that's my big news for this week. hopefully i can actually get around to posting here more than once a week!

14 weeks

i know i am a day late, but we are actually up visiting friends in northernmost jersey this weekend. it's been really great since he & the hub have been really good friends forever, and i get along with her really well. they are also expecting next month- so there's that bond too.

i have to admit i was nervous at first- their pregnancy was a little hard to hear about a few months before mine- we were facing down saving up for iui #1 & only & so scared about things not working. i am honestly feeling more blessed that i am pregnant now & we can share this together. since she's got 20 weeks or so on me i can see & hear all that i have to look forward to. (not that i don't through the lovely ladies of blogland, it's just nice to be physically there with someone)

we were walking around & exploring & just enjoying being together yesterday. we had a wonderful dinner at this little thai place with the most amazing dessert- banana spring rolls with honey sesame sauce. oh. my. god. i haven't had enough appetite for dinner & dessert in about 3 months, so last night was such a treat! the boys got to enjoy beers together without feeling like they were drinking alone, even though they started out the night with a delicious smelling oktoberfest... ah- i miss beer! (really good, dark, rich beer!) today we are hanging out for a little bit, but then we have to get back home so the hub can put my car back together. long story- the short version is all the seats were out of the car by 9 am with the covers off to get washed, and they didn't end up back on the car when we had to leave at 1... i'll be taking his car tomorrow if i have to!

in the most exciting news- the belly has occurred! it is tiny & mainly just looks fat in most clothes, but i got a few super cute tight long shirts & one green sweater to show it off. the hub seems to like it & i am thrilled that i finally have something to proudly stick out! it does make next week more challenging as there are only 2 reviews to get through at work- mine being one of them. i really want to be able to get through my review & then tell them (even i say it as the review is over which is my plan!) but if i get pushed to the week after i will not be able to hide the belly any more. nor do i want to. i want to show this off proudly! i worked hard for it dammit & even though i do truly believe that we had our own little miracle happen to get here- i am here & i want the world to know how happy i am!

so- here's the 14 week belly, i do need to work with the hub on his picture taking skills, but in his defense we were rushing to get out of the house:



(apparently blogger doesn't like the crappy wireless signal- this may have to wait until we get home!)

so- back home- picture uploaded just fine. trip was really nice- only an hour & half or so. the hub & i got to chat the whole way down. i hope we get to have a little weekend getaway like this again soon.

introductions please

well this morning was almost as perfect as it could be. i got there early & got in with a lovely sweet tech who immediately got to the good stuff. the basics- everything looks perfect, heart rate is 153, the NT measurement was 1.9- i guess anything up to 2.8 is normal, so we are good there.

spring roll was such a good little baby at first, kept turning the exact way the tech wanted. then i guess the jig was up because all of a sudden he (i am just using he to be simpler i refuse to say it & i kind of feel boy) threw his hands in front of his face & hid! then he started bouncing & dancing & wiggling all over the place! the tech was able to get some really cute pictures finally, it was just so surreal to see such an active little baby bouncing around when not only can't i feel anything, but my jeans still fit! i really wish the hub could have been there, but i sent him the pictures tonight & his grandfather just got there for a visit- so 3 generations can look at the fourth together. which is pretty cool too.

the only negative to my appointment was having to wait over 40 minutes in the lab across the hall to get one stinking vial of blood drawn that took 20 seconds. i was late to work because of the stupid lab procedures checking in one person, then waiting, then seeing that person, then checking in the next, etc. especially when i didn't need to get checked in at all- it was frustrating!

oh well, it could have been much worse! - without further delay i give you the reason i am on cloud nine today:

waving hello

our little thinker


i think that's daddy's nose:

this one's just kind of freaky with the jaw, but so cool!:

nervous excitement

tomorrow at 8 am i have my sequential screening. which means ultrasound people! i am very excited to see spring roll- this is the 'real' shot- the one where s/he's transformed from the little gummy bear i saw 6 weeks ago to a squirmy little baby. and the hub can't be there for it. that's the part that makes me just slightly nervous. i feel pretty confident that everything is fine, but just in case it would have been nice to have him there with me. plus he missed the heartbeat appointment & now he is missing this. i don't need him there- but i know how disappointed he was to miss the heartbeat (by the way too busy to search for dopplers lately- work is psycho busy) and i know he'll be a little disappointed to miss this.
at least he'll only have to wait another 2 weeks or so until the next doctor's appointment & a month after that for the 'big' ultrasound.

in other news- my morning sickness is playing a cruel new trick on me. i feel fantastic now during the day. i can eat pretty much whatever i want - and i want to eat more of the food i couldn't before. but i think it's come at a price- i am now experiencing the intense sudden onset morning sickness where i need to sprint to the nearest receptacle every morning. i had only vomited 5 times before this week- now i'm stopping counting. i honestly don't know which i'd rather be stuck with, but it really could be worse. i could have both...

i'll try to update tomorrow- but pictures will have to wait until saturday i think.

already?

i am a quarter of the way through pregnancy. holy fucking shit! 10 weeks (& 1day) i was going to post the belly pic yesterday, but it was a bit of a rough day. i am hormonally overloaded & the hub & i gt into a huge fight. i honestly can't remember how it started- or even what it was about now. but at the time i was convinced we were going to split up & i would be a single mom... then i just had to leave the house- during the heaviest downpour of the remnants of the hurricane that actually hit up here (nothing too bad- just some pounding rain for a bit). by the time i got back he was thankfully apologetic (even if i can't remember if he needed to apologize, but he learns quickly!) and we went out thrift store shopping.

i went to put on my normal (slightly skinny) weekend jeans & they just felt too uncomfortable. they still fit & look fine, but felt like i was wearing a big rubber band across my belly. as soon as i unbuttoned them i realized i really need a belly band with them if i am going to continue to attempt wearing them! i ordered one this week, but i probably won't get it before the end of next week at the earliest. i found 2 for $20 online & absolutely refuse to pay $30 each at the evil maternity store.

when we got to the thrift store i beelined it to the maternity section. for the most part this place has barely used, really nice, upscale clothes donated there, so i tried on a pair of corduroy maternity pants. i still don't fit in them, but they were so freaking comfortable! i noticed little wear right where the band attached to the pant so i didn't get them, but i think in a few weeks i will have to start looking for them seriously. shirts i am pretty good with. there are a few that just don't fit right anymore, but for the most part they are all still fine.

we also got our first purchase for spring roll. a few receiving blankets at $1 each. it felt a little weird to buy something this early, but we both told ourselves that for that cheap we should just get them since we saw them. he also got a new backpack that could easily double as a daddy diaper bag if needed.

then we took the plunge. we went to the r-us store... wandered around looking at cribs for features we like & to compare prices. i have decided that a separate changing table is pretty useless. we already have a dresser that could just get restained & refinished to be brand new & we just need to pop a changing pad on top of that. thankfully the hub is very handy & can even make a box to stabilize the changing pad. cribs we may look for second-hand. i am still undecided because of not knowing if we really need a new one or not. luckily there's time. the hub saw a pack-n-play & decided that it's the best thing ever. it was really cute to see him get excited over one! then, just as we went to explore the travel system area & play with all the strollers- i spotted a woman that works pretty closely with my job. it was very 007 for a minute as we tried to sneak out of the store before she spotted me! (i haven't told my job yet- except for my manager- and i just didn't want to have to try to come up with an excuse why we were there.) we ended up heading home & stopped at another store by my house that i had forgotten about and really got to explore. it was really nice to see the hub folding up strollers & figuring out how the car seats went with them. we found 2 we really like. since i have plenty of time i figure we can wait to see which one is the best & when they go on sale! (i am a severe bargain shopper- i am the budgeter which is why we are still okay, pretty much, after he had a year with no salary while he had the shop. so i always try to find the best, least expensive option. just wanted to throw that out since i realized i was talking money a lot in this post!) i think that the only things i definitely want to buy new are the pack-n-play (because i am picky about colors & style) and the travel system. i am fine with hand-me down clothes, bedding, toys, bouncers, even the crib as long as i am comfortable with the quality & safety.

we are really starting to get cautiously excited & i guess i am starting to get more comfortable & relaxed with the fact that i am really pregnant. i can't wait until my next appointment (1 week & 2 days) to see if we can hear the heartbeat, but my nausea has me pretty well comforted about spring roll doing what he's supposed to. (i've said it before- but isn't it just weird that we get happy for feeling sick?)

anyway- here is 10 week belly pic. i really need to start getting the hub to take them. or use the tripod because these really suck! i don't really see too much difference in two weeks. except the boobs. they really are huge! the hub is thrilled- especially since they are starting to hurt less. just a dull ache especially in the morning.

confession time

i have a huge & embarrasing secret to tell. last night the hub & i finally had sex. after 7 weeks & 5 days... (that's right- 7 freaking weeks! i've been dying over here!) the last time was right before the iui. he didn't want to afterwards- understandably the poor guy had 'performed' a lot & deserved a little break. then he was nervous & superstitious about 'knocking something loose' & wouldn't budge no matter how ridiculous i told him that notion was. i still thought- oh well- we'll know in 2 weeks & then we can get busy again. then i found out about spring roll & he was so anxious about getting everything done & money that we just haven't... i am not blameless- passing out before 9 or 10 pm really doesn't help in the amore department.

i have to say that i was just a little nervous last night. after all- it's been a really really long time & i am just more sensitive these days. the boobs are still sore- but they seem to be slowly easing up. they hurt much more in the morning than at night- i also don't sleep in a bra anymore. (my skin has become just awful especially on my chest & back & sleeping in tight clothing does not help!)

i'm glad we got in out of the way- so to speak. after that long of course it wasn't fireworks & earthquakes, but it was really nice to have that closeness again. i actually feel pretty good this morning too. hmm- is sex therapeutic for morning sickness?

i know- i suck

aci am the worst blogger ever! almost a week in between posts! to be fair- it wasn't all that exciting a week. morning sickness still lasts until around 4 pm. but i have only thrown up twice so far. food continues to be the enemy- especially at lunch. i can't eat protein then unless it's peanut butter or cheese. speaking of cheese- cheese sticks are my secret weapon- so weird...
other than that i feel really good. i am starting to get a little bloated belly at the end of the day, pants fit a little tighter, but i am the only one who notices. the hub thinks i am crazy!
he is happy about my purchase yesterday though- i officially moved up in bra sizes. i really should have gotten the 34DD, (yes- i'm a D to begin with- yikes for the next 7 months & beyond!) but i just couldn't bring myself to go from the 2 hook band to the 3 hook band. 2 hooks means there are still pretty feminine bras i can wear- 3 hooks means i am turning into my mother with the ultra supportive yet unattractive undergarments. (to be fair- mom really likes vickie's secret- so she finds some pretty ones- but i can't afford them for a bra i will grow out of in the next few weeks/months)
i am sure i will have to take the plunge soon, but i am holding off as long as a 36D will let me!

my parents are coming up to visit this weekend- mom has made me an apple pie & some cheese bread, she made sausage & peppers for the hub & brought a ton of food for a bbq at my aunt's tomorrow. it should be a really nice visit & i haven't seen them in a really long time, so i am very much looking forward to this weekend!

-i also told my boss yesterday- it went really well. except for the fact that she already knew! the woman must be observant as hell because i thought i was being so sneaky! she was really sweet though & it gets a little more real each person i tell... i wonder when it's going to feel real all the time.

i hope everyone has a fantastic holiday weekend!

quick update- my parents brought me about 10 pregnancy, name, & parenting books from my sister- she took color coded notes for e on what to expect- things like 'stuff for the hub', 'aw(notice very few of these), 'scary- but should know', & my favorite- 'ew- sucks to be you'! she also made notations on the little tabs- on the "Your Pregnancy Lifestyle' page- under 'scary- but should know': Congratulations- now change Everything!
i love my sister! she took weeks to read through this book (which i have heard has a bit of a scary 'holy crap!' kind of info in it) to highlight what she thought i should know & to put funny little comments to make me happier while reading it! i just wish she could have come to visit these weekend too... i miss her!
one last thing- did you notice my widget baby finally has lost that creepy look? yay for 9 weeks! it feels so far from only 5 weeks ago when i found out, but still ages from holding our spring roll...

bad blogger (updated)

i am still here, still ecstatically in shock. i am just passing out every night at ridiculously early hours! the hub has started taking pictures of me in my various states of passed-out-edness.
other than that i feel pretty good. i am getting slightly nauseous, but it's better when i get to snack throughout the day rather than just eat a few meals. i also can't eat a lot at one time.
i've been told twice in two days that i look like i am losing weight, i guess i might be- but i am trying not to! i'm not missing any meals & what i do eat is very healthy still (except for that nice warm chocolate chip cookie the hub made for me tonight) but i guess the suppressed appetite & all the sleep really might be taking a little weight off. i'm not very concerned- i do have a little extra, and i am sure that i will be gaining soon enough. as long as i can still keep meals down i'm fine!

so- i am around, i am reading blogs but not really commenting because by the time i get to one or two i am wiped out. in fact i am off to nap now- i'm sure the hub will be photographing me. again. creepy- but still kind of cute.

update: yes the hub did photograph me, but i heard the click & got pissed. screaming & yelling - 'what the hell do you think you're doing- this isn't fucking funny anymore' kind of stuff. i don't know if i just hit my limit of embarrassing photos or if it was a sleep groggy mood swing. either way- i had almost thought it was sweet before that he wanted to document the pregnancy- even if right now all that means is pictures of me sleeping. but it really did get creepy & old quick. i think 4 photos is more than enough to capture a few weeks worth of being exhausted.

t- 10 days

i got my appointment for the first peek at spring roll. august 18th... 6pm- so i won't be able to update until later that night or early next morning, but hopefully we get to see a nice strong heartbeat!
after that it's a month until my next appointment at 11 weeks where they will whip out the doppler.
i am definitely starting to feel pregnant now. my boobs are starting to get very very sore & sensitive. and i think they are already getting bigger. yikes!
i would definitely say i have started getting food aversions in the afternoon. protein makes me gag about halfway through eating it. i still try to get as much as i can so that i'm not deficient. (since i was so picky an eater for so long i try very hard to be really balanced & healthy now) i am trying to snack throughout the day, but the past few days at my job have been really tough as i've been out all day with coworkers & it gets hard to say- hey, we need to stop what we're doing now so i can munch on some fruit or get a yogurt. so i think that may be contributing a little.
other than that i still have the killer fatigue. which amuses the hub to no end. he has started a photo folder on his computer "jenn being pregnant". there are only two shots, both of me completely, utterly, gap mouthedely passed out on the couch. the truly funny thing is last night he showed me the folder & there was only one picture. i was determined not to give him another, but when i woke up from my stupor at 10:30 to clomp up to bed, he kindly opened his newly acquired photo. thanks honey... i'm sure these will be treasured by our child.

blurry vision

this week is down- the first week of officially being pregnant. it's still just so weird to type those words. i am starting to feel pregnant more- a little soreness in the boobs, a little bit of occasional queasiness & i experienced my first round of constipation (joy). but it still feels so unreal.
i made my first ob appointment. they won't see me before 8 weeks & then the first appointment they have that isn't just come in- see a nurse & get bloodwork taken & questions answered (which i refuse to have to go twice to see a doctor when i can just wait a few days & get it all in one shot) is september 2nd. just over a month to go. good thing i had all his practice waiting while still in the throes of trying, right?
the hub is getting very excited. he now wants to know when we can find out the sex so we can get the room together. he also wants to get the house all done & to that end we now have 100% finished floors. despite the fact that it took far far too long to get done since he absolutely would not let me help him do , i am thrilled it is now done. we need to let them cure for a day or so, but i should be back in the living room by the end of the weekend. the reason i know the hub has a fire in him now that i am pregnant- he got up as i was leaving for my final blood draw so he could brush on the final coat to get it perfect & let it dry while i was out of the house & the fumes wouldn't get to me. although there really aren't many fumes per say- it's a relatively low fume formula & the house is very well ventilated. but he wants to get everything done now & still let me relax & take it easy. i honestly don't have a choice since i keep passing out around 8 or 9 at night.
since it's getting to be that time & my eyes are feeling gritty i leave you with some photos of the beautiful floor:

still calm- for now

all is still quiet & zen on the homefront. after a really nice long chat with my pal nancy last night i realized i never went into gory details about the visits up to the iui. here's the recap:
on friday when i went in for my scan i had one follie on the right at 20 that the tech was very excited about. i never did get my lining measurement, but was told that everything looked textbook perfect. i did have another follie on the left at somewhere around 15mm, but she really didn't focus on it & told me i had one perfect follie. perfect was used a lot & i really liked hearing it! she looked at my estriodal (?) levels from the day before- said they rose wonderfully & she wouldn't be calling me unless something really wacky came back from my bloodwork that day.

i then got pretty much dressed & back she came with the trigger shot- which honestly scared me a bit. despite the fact i have 2 tattoos & countless piercings- i can not look at a medical needle going into my skin & the thought of it gives me the willies. luckily it went in my ass. she did warn me tat i would be sore & the rest of the day sitting at my desk was very difficult. but it was a nice little reminder of what was to come!

so- after talking with nancy i realized that there was a possibility that the follie on the left was able to mature & release too. i had mainly only felt twinges & ovulation on the right, but late on saturday into waking up on sunday i did feel a whole bunch of something on the left. i never really thought about it since i figured that i only had one follie, but maybe... more targets for the 'crazy awesome' sample to find! let's hope anyway.

one thing i have been doing to keep myself occupied (poltzie- i will get to that meme, i didn't have my computer last night & wasn't home until after 8 on monday!) is crocheting. i am not very good- all i have ever made before are hats & scarves. but i am trying to challenge myself & decided to try a sweater. and since i'm distracting myself after an iui- why not a baby sweater, right? i figure- if it sucks i can take it all out & make something else. if it doesn't i can maybe keep it & use it. if i can't then i know plenty of people having babies that i can give it too, or a sweet little girl to dress up her baby doll. it keeps me a little hopeful, but occupied- which is the perfect mix for me. now- i've never ever attempted clothes before & it s nowhere near perfect- the arms & shoulders are a little weird, but here's my first attempt:

it's definitely girlie & the photo is not great at all (it's early & i don't feel like setting up a good shot!) but it's a dark orange & cream & i even hand made little 'buttons' & crocheted button holes in too. i think it's cute- but i am mostly proud of myself for figuring it out. i can't read the crochet instructions for the life of me which is why hats, scarves, & blankets are more my speed! i think next i am moving on to a blanket, i'll post it after i am done if it's good. i have a ton of yarn & hours of not wanting to focus on phantom symptoms ahead of me. and again- if this doesn't work- i have at least 7 pregnant women in my life who could get it as a gift!

speaking of which- kind of- the hub is very anxious this cycle. he asked again when i could test last night. i finally had to tell him that i wouldn't even consider it before next thursday so he needed to stop asking me so i didn't get anxious too! he is feeling this 2ww & feeling it bad. it's sweet & heartwarming, heartbreaking, & scary all wrapped into one. i think our attitudes have swapped a la freaky fri.day. i am now of the 'hey- if it doesn't happen now it will happen eventually & we'll just keep trying & doing what we can' mindset. he is now in the 'this absolutely has to work & i can't imagine what we will do if it doesn't' mindset. it is bizarre to be in his shoes as i am sure it is to be in mine. i hope he doesn't crash too hard & i hope i keep my new attitude- even with a failure/negative. but we will just have to wait & see.

and so it begins

we are done. this morning was a bit hectic. i got up early so i could make some coffee, shower, get ready & walk the dog so the hub only had his one task to do this morning. he was definitely feeling the pressure. i had to go sit & wait in the car so as to not add to the pressure. as he got in he disclaimered that it wasn't much. he then raced to the clinic- despite the fact that it's only 25 minutes away & we had the hour to get it there. but we were running a little late for our 9:15 appointment & he wanted everything to be perfect. it was touching & a little scary to see that intensity of purpose in him. it's usually me that is the crazy control freak every month & to not be there & see it in him today was just another surreal experience in this most surreal month.
so we get to the clinic & i bring the sample cup- wrapped in a washcloth under my shirt- in. and i see what he meant by not much. then i have to wait until they call us- the entire time thinking that it won't be enough & we'll be told to go home & try next month. this is seriously the only time i have been nervous all along. and the poor hub. he was so nervous he was clammy! they finally call me back- it really was only maybe 15 minutes- to look at the screen & heck out the sample. in the tech's words- 'your sample is crazy awesome. we usually like to see one or two zipping around in there, but you've got 15-20.' so i gave the hub a high five right there! he had earned it.
after checking that my name & information was correct on everything we were let into our room. they heat the end of the table & they keep the speculum's ina heated drawer- quite nice! the hub stayed up by my head as the lovely woman tried & tried to get the catheter in. she asked if i had ever given birth (which was surprising because i know it's in my chart that i haven't) & then asked if they ever had me cough during any of my testing procedures. she went on to explain that she was threading the catheter through the cervix, which is roughly 5", & it's a bit like a corkscrew. apparently mine is more twisty than some others & it was being difficult. she tried 3 different catheters until she finally got it in. what a weird feeling it was when it went through. i really can't describe it except that it was like a little pop with a whoosh & a cramp. before she got it she apologized for it taking so long, but considering i've never had an iui before i wouldn't have known the difference, and that she would get the other woman if she couldn't get it. she did say that it's not the reason we haven't gotten pregnant- just a quirk of my anatomy making her work a little harder & that she would rather take her time & get it right since we are dealing with 'liquid gold'. it wasn't painful or any more uncomfortable than a pap- so she could have taken a half hour if it meant everyone getting where they needed to go.
she did get it within 5 minutes or so & then it was pelvic tilt with my knees up & heels together for about 5 minutes or so. i had some minor cramping, but nothing even close to the hsg. we were out of the office within the hour of showing up. i was surprised at how quickly it went.
we stopped for breakfast & then my mother-in-law called. the hub shocked me by telling her exactly what we were doing, an almost blow by blow account. he is very very private about our infertility & i thought he really hadn't said much to his parents, but apparently they knew this was today. she thought we were doing ivf, so he explained what an iui is & then let her know that no- i am not pregnant now, we need to wait to find out in 2 weeks. i did have to let the hub know that we are only looking at maybe a 25% chance of this working this month. i have only one egg- which decreases the chances some, but he had a 'crazy awesome' sample- which increases it. i just hope we're in that lucky quarter.
speaking of which- i go in for 7dpiui bloodwork next week, but the week after that i am to take a pregnancy test- they do not do a beta unless you get a positive. so now i just need to decide when to start testing.
oh- and i will need some distracting! at least until 10 dpiui...any help would be as greatly appreciated as all the wonderful & supportive comments have been so far!

his first time

today i asked the hub if he was excited about saturday. he said anxious was the more appropriate word. then he said that he wouldn't even get any relief for 2 weeks from this anxiety.

he's about to enter his first 2ww & i don't think he can handle it. lucky for him i am oddly calm (at least right now) and he can drink. (now- he's not a big drinker ever- he rarely drinks & when he does it's the girlie drinks at home & a vodka cranberry when out- i seriously married the most butch & manly punk rock metro boy ever!) i am being very strict with myself & not having a drop after the iui. i usually don't drink during the 2ww, but there are times when i say fuck it- especially when a special occasion pops up or a really dejected day happens. not this month- even though i personally think it's fine to enjoy a drink or two while whiling away the wait (how's that for alliteration!) but i want there to be nothing to look back on & wonder. that's why i am trying very hard to let everything just wash right over me & i will be not partaking of any alcohol or coffee past tomorrow. just so i can't say 'but if i just...'

the hub is another matter- this cycle will be hard for him. i am already resigned to this not working (but still oddly hopeful that it just might) but he is giving this the 'last chance' status. the one thing he said that broke my hart right in two was last night when he turned to me & very softly said "if this doesn't work.... i don't know" with this look of fear & desperation & sadness. he NEVER shows emotion (other than frustration) and certainly doesn't talk about it. he's gotten better, but he still won't talk about fears. i know he wants this as much as i ever have. he is fully invested & i just hope that he never has to feel the true crash of the 2ww. i know whatever i feel at the end of this cycle (if there's an end to this cycle... see- there's that hope!) it will not compare to what he feels. i am seasoned in heartbreak. i know how it feels to watch your friends move forward with the one thing you try so hard to achieve & still feel left behind. i am used to this. he is not. i fear i will have to support him at the end of this & that really scares & saddens me.

thank you to everyone for all the positive thoughts & good wishes- they really have been helping so much! i am still trying to cram a lot into my upcoming 2ww- i am going with friends to see the new batm.an movie in full i-max next week. this weekend is not only the iui, but my friend's daughters birthday party. then i have jury duty & just need to fill up the rest of that last week.
anything you can send me to occupy my time & take my mind of the wait will be greatly appreciated. dirty jokes, funny stories, meme's, confession thursday's, whatever! i'll take it.

since i figured out how to post via cell phone- i will definitely update tomorrow & saturday after the clinic visits- & i HAVE to remember to send a picture from the clinic. don't get too excited- it's not what you think!

photo day six & a struggle

so- the pictures aren't great- but they were skating too damn fast! the pack was FLYING around the track & there was lots of action & body blocks that my por camera was just not equipped to handle!

last night ended up being really fun. it was great to see my friend & the bout was a blast. it was very exciting as there seemed to be one guy (it's a co-ed game) in particular who was really fast & good, but started getting very aggressive. unfortunately one girl got hurt really bad after getting slammed by him- it was a big debate s to whether he was in the wrong or it was a legal hit. she was taken to the hospital, but was conscious & waving as she left.

the hub came out to this one & i could tell he really liked it- he even was joking that he had his name all picked out for when he joined! i doubt he could (or would) actually join because the speed skates give no ankle support & years of skateboarding mean he hurts his ankles walking sometimes, i can't imagine how messed up he could get on those skates. but it was really nice to be out together both enjoying ourselves.

i was so miserable yesterday, everything was setting me off. everything was making me think how i have no chances, but no reason for no chances. if that even makes sense. i have no actual reason to believe we can't get pregnant- even this month we still have a chance- no matter how little it seems to be. i literally know children born from less of a chance. but i still know that that's not us. we aren't lucky like that. and i know i've seen it expressed before- but every bfp i see makes me think i am out for the cycle. i know it's ridiculous, but i can't help it. i feel like my chances diminish with every new pregnancy announced- like there's only so many going around & i've missed my chance.

maybe it's not so ridiculous- every month that passes does mean less of a chance. we are in #19- that means we are officially unexplained IF. with every passing month we are not improving our chances with anything. there is no a.r.t. with increasing odds in our life right now. no magic pills, or shots, or anything. and the realist in me knows this. i know that our chances get less every time. so thinking that someone else's chance has somehow taken mine away isn't so incredibly far fetched. it's illogical to connect the two together & unfair to the person who got it, but as a knee jerk reaction- i can at least understand it.

it's getting harder to look at pregnancy blogs now. i tear up & can't really comment like i want to. i'm sorry. but the belly pics & new symptoms. the kicks & we are having a ..... announcements make me feel very alone. and very very far from getting to that point. so forgive me if i just can't go there right now. it's a tough time for me. i feel like i am coming to grips with the fact that we may never be parents- that i may never get to experience pregnancy. all while still battling with the hope that it's just taking longer, and it could happen any time now. it's a tough place to be & it's exhausting. i don't know which side to lean towards- do i protect my heart, or do i hold on to hope as hard as i can?

i am trying to immerse myself in things so i just can't think about it anymore. work, still trying to study for the motorcycle permit, renovating the house. anything to not think about ttc right now. for the most part it works fine, but there are moments like yesterday when it all comes crashing in. it's just so hard to imagine our life not including a child. last night the hub was staring at this little boy at the derby bout who was running around being generally adorable & the look in his eyes about broke my heart. i want him to get to experience a father's day as a father. i want to get to see how he interacts with his child. and knowing that he wants it too & we just can't seem to get it, is so bittersweet.

lucky day

not much of a post today- i forgot to get batteries yesterday so i'm already faltering on my post a picture a day goal... i tried to take a better picture of my 'i swear that's a positive but no one can see it except for in person' opk with my camera phone- but no dice. so you'll just have to believe me! yesterday's was negative & my temp dipped slightly this morning, but my chart is looking a little jagged lately again, so who knows. if my temp jumps up over the weekend then today will be ff's guess at ovulation & i tend to believe it. so the hub needs to keep up the good work.
oh yes- two days ago i was disappointed by my lack of fun with whipped cream- now this is oversharing, but what else is new! he & i had traded naughty text messages all day wednesday & i was really looking forward to that night. then when i sw that thin little sliver of a dark line, i got really excited for our planned rendezvous. then i guess he had a lot on his mind because our great date night just kind of ...fizzled. with promises to make it up to me in the morning i wasn't too worried. morning comes & goes- he sleeps right through. aargghh.
yesterday the hub called me out of the blue & told me that he was around the corner from my job- could i leave right at 5- (it was 4:50 or so) & conserve some gas by leaving my car there? of course i can save some moolah! & get to see the hub for more time than we have combined all week! stopped & got some movies & had a really nice cuddly date night. which thankfully ended with some fireworks of our own making. and not to brag- but damn... we know how to do some things right! that is the one thing i can say about us- we fit together very well in a lot of ways- we've never really had bad sex. i'm sure there's been a couple times, but overall my only complaint is quantity, not quality. okay- you can stop retching- i'm done with that.

no real plans for the weekend- we may be finally finishing our floors in the living& dining rooms, which means that next weekend we could finally be 'moving' out of the basement. i would be thrilled to have my living room back! to actually look outside while we are hanging out- or be able to listen to jeo.pardy in the other room while i make dinner! it's the little things, but man i hate living in the dark cave of the basement!

***i just realized that it is friday 13th! some may think this an unlucky day, but to me- it will always be a good day. this is the day the hub proposed to me. not the date- that was 8/13/04. but it was a friday. we went to diner at a fancy restaurant for our anniversary 3 days prior. i had scoped him out big time before we left & had worn a really nice sexy black dress just in case.
-a little background: the hub asked my parent's permission at thanksgiving '03 to marry me. which if you knew us & especially him- was very out of character. we were/are punks. we lived together for many moons. we've both always done our own thing. so for him to take that very formal step was surprising enough for my dear sweet mother to TELL ME about it. which -long story short- put a lot of pressure on him & made the right time never come. there was more- she actually BOUGHT A RING for him to give me because she saw it on sale & couldn't resist. it was not what i would have ever wanted & thankfully he declined. but it still made him wait 8 months to ask me. thanks a lot...
so i was decidedly anxious by august & had already picked out my own ring & sent him the info- just in case! luckily he listened & got it.
in between dinner & dessert he turned to me & asked- do you think before dessert comes out, that you could marry me?
i was stunned, surprised (which was a miracle!) and didn't answer for a good five minutes!

so for us- friday the 13th can be a really great day. i find myself imagining & hoping that it's forever cemented as the luckiest day for us.