what is this new feeling???

this week was great. i actually feel happy, hopeful, dare i say- back to my old chipper self? i feel like things are falling into place. there's still a lot of shittiness going on- the shop isn't good & while we are working it out- it's stressful. tom will probably close the doors & do something else. one of the options was going for his cdl- which would mean a year of gone a week at a time. or more. but who knows if that's a serious option at this point in time.

anyway- i still do feel really good. work is going really well.we are incredibly busy & have a few crazy deadlines, but my team is really gelling & working as a team. i feel like a giant dork- but i am so much happier feeling like i am part of something. i feel like my work is a contribution & i feel valued. i also got a wonderful e-mail from a client raving about our work. it was the first time a project that i had a big part of was praised like that & it felt fan-freaking-tastic! plus it always help for the bosses to see that a client's happy! tonight i am going to see my one bosses band play- it's always a really fun time & i haven't felt like doing much of anything social the last few months. it's always been bad timing or i'm in the 2ww, or i'm too bummed because i just got my period.
but now i feel like a giant boulder of depression has been lifted. i am not stifled by my constant thoughts of babies, pregnancy, when, why not me, unfairness. believe me- i still think about it a lot, i still want to get pregnant more than almost anything else. but i want to be myself again. i have been pretty consumed for a while. this past week or so i haven't had that. i've noticed that an entire day goes by that i haven't thought about ttc once. i have a hard time remembering what cycle & day i'm on. i feel like i've returned from a vacation. i've been laughing more. i've actually been happy this week. for me this is huge. i am a naturally happy person- or at least i was up until 2 years ago. i let myself get down by the kidney first, and the lack of pregnancy second. the stress of the hub opening (& possibly closing) a business got to me. the roommate certainly didn't help. i felt like i had lost all control of every aspect of my life. my job suffered & i didn't seem to have my own niche there. my body was broken. i had much less energy.

i don't know exactly what the catalyst was, but i do know that i feel like i am getting control over my life back. i never had it taken from me- i know i was the one who let it go. but now the room mate is gone- i have my home back. the shop may be going- but i'll have my husband back. my job is looking up- but i have a feeling that that's related to my improving attitude & confidence overall. i have my appointment in less than 2 weeks. even if we find nothing wrong we have a plan. it's not the most aggressive, but it's a plan. not just a 'have sex, wait, cry because it hasn't worked' plan. i feel like i a moving backwards emotionally as i move forward- if that makes sense. i feel like i am starting to have some newbie hope. i also find myself thinking that if it takes a year that's perfectly okay. if you told me in november of '06 that i would be okay with waiting two years to start our family* i would have strangled you. but now i am okay with an extended timeline. i don't mind waiting longer. knowing that we have solid plans for our future is enough for the moment.

this is probably a little rambling at this point. i am pretty much just spewing thoughts out. i hope that my old self is back for good. i have a feeling she is- it's too exhausting to want to be different. there may still be struggles & hardships & my share of heartbreak. in fact i can pretty much guarantee it. but i feel better. i feel stronger, i feel like i can take on almost anything & it'll be okay.

*i reserve all rights to change my mind at any time about how long i can keep a positive chipper attitude about waiting to hold our child. this is still a painful & difficult journey. i still expect to be crushed with every period. i still expect to hate having to even go to an RE, get tested, possibly take pills & have IUI's to get pregnant, or make decisions about IVF. i expect to get frustrated & angry & want to quit. i expect to cry at the next baby shower i go to, or at the next pregnancy anouncement i hear. i expect to stare jealousy & droolingly at pregnant women rubbing their bumps, or cuddly chubby babies being carted around the grocery store. i don't think any of that goes away at all. but i feel better prepared to handle it all. i feel like the rest of my life is getting back into the normal groove & maybe as everything starts to fall into place then this will too. it may take some more time & hard work, but i can take it. i'm a lot stronger than i thought.