i am completely in the dark on how i am feeling right now. there are so many emotions swirling around in here that no single one has taken over leaving me feeling overwhelmed & fuzzy.
the short (bulleted) version
-yesterday was the summer party for my old firm. i was invited so pumpkin & i went. mainly to see friends, but also to gauge if their offer to 'want to hire me back when they can' was sincere. all in all it was a really nice time. everyone seemed genuinely happy & excited to see us & pumpkin was of course a big hit! she was very well behaved & got her afternoon nap in the sling while i walked around. she was very good with meeting a ton of new people & lots of kids. my emotions were (and still are) so mixed now though. on the one hand- i am really enjoying being able to be home with her & watch & help her grow and learn. i love seeing the changes everyday & we have a great little routine. i would be so sad to miss our morning cuddle & talk time. and the look she gets when i make the bed/peekaboo with her as we get up.
on the other hand i miss working. i miss the activity & reward from doing my job well. i miss the people & the friendships. i know it's not a decision to be made right now, but i am in limbo. there's no other job out there for me. i can't take a crap job that pays less just to work, and since there's no other jobs at firms right now i'm definitely not looking to go anywhere else. i loved my firm & wouldn't move unless i could somehow find that down the street. which i am pretty sure does not exist. so i am just waiting. waiting to see what my future is. if i am not offered my job back- do i then reevaluate what my career (if any) is? a huge question that has been looming over me. i don't want to not have a career as i know that staying home with her is a temporary situation & i will eventually want to get the hell out of the house. but this first year... argh. i guess i am fortunate in that the decision is pretty much made for me for the time being.
-which brings me to the other reason i am in a funk. financial stress is getting to me. we can still pay our bills & eat & all, but i was stir crazy the other day & went to the mall (it was pouring outside) with pumpkin to get out of the house. i saw the cutest little vans & so wanted to buy them for her- impractical as that may be since a- she doesn't walk yet, and b- her chubby feet won't fit into shoes anyway! but alas- i can not afford it. and that really got to me. i know i shouldn't be spending money on stuff like that & even if i had the money i probably wouldn't buy them anyway. but knowing that i can't makes it so much more depressing than i expected. the hub has really been struggling to find a job & make this motorcycle thing work in the meantime. but it's just not paying. we are supposed to go visit his parents this week & i literally can not afford the gas & tolls. the hub has no money for it either & the deal was that i paid for our trip to see my family- he can pay for the one to see his. except neither of us can pay for anything right now. every dollar has been budgeted out for the next two months.
-i am pretty much guaranteed that my birthday (in a month & a half) will be a total bust. oh yeah- my 'you only turn 30 once, but won't have anything special just like you only celebrate your first mother's day once & didn't get a damn thing either' birthday. and material things aren't what matters to me. my sense of fairness is raging at the fact that i took 2 months to save & plan his 30th & gave him a perfect weekend away that he was completely surprised by. while i would like to think he is doing the same- i know it isn't true. and the fact that -yet again- i get the shaft kills me. just once i want to be the fucking special one & be treated as such. just once i want a big deal made over me. 364 days a year i can very happily be in the background or be the one making the big deal for someone else, but this one fucking day- i really want to be mine. without having to make suggestions or plans myself. because who wants that for their day?
i know i am whiny & bitchy right now. it's made even worse by the fact that my usual angel baby was replaced last night. she slept way too late in the day & when she finally went down it was almost 10. i was woken up at 1:20 & she wouldn't settle so i fed her & put her back down. she went back down beautifully (as she usually does) so i trotted back to bed for what i expected to be at least another 4 hours sleep. lo & behold at 1:45 i heard a cry. just one so no problem. off to sleep i go. at 2:07 she started to chatter & babble. and kept it up for at least 35 minutes. needless to say- when she got up again at 4:20 i was a zombie. she was unsatisfied with anything but the b00b though. thankfully i then finally did get my 4 straight hours of sleep. otherwise i would be much worse off today than i am. i am really hoping that this was all a fluke due to her schedule being so off yesterday. she has been averaged every 3rd night sleeping though- which means we aren't due again until monday night. if she decides that middle of the night is now her talkative time i will have to invest in some earplugs. cuz mommy & daddy are depressed enough without sleep deprivation right now. that just colors everything a little darker shade of grey.
thank god she wakes up happy & gives us the most amazing giggles & grins to lift us up a little.
oh- and if you happened to make it this far- check out the meme post below. i'm starting to get a complex that no one wants my handmade stuff, haha!
Showing posts with label moods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moods. Show all posts
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, July 25, 2008
i suck
came home- peed- realized i was going to test, said oh shit! it'll have to be tomorrow.
if my 2 hour nap is any indication of the outcome- it'll be a good day.
then again- if my cramps are any indication- it won't be... only time will tell- right?
if my 2 hour nap is any indication of the outcome- it'll be a good day.
then again- if my cramps are any indication- it won't be... only time will tell- right?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
still here, barely
i have 12 posts to comment on- but i am so busy & so tired that i just haven't gotten to it. my photo a day has suffered immensely & i barely have enough energy to have a decent conversation with the hub. the next 2 weeks will not be any better, but at least they should go by quickly. and then it's on to the challenge. and hopefully the magic pill that either tells us a reason (which i totally don't want to hear since it will be poor egg quality) or a miracle positive...
but somehow i don't think we'll get either.
and it's completely wrong for my boobs to start getting sore now- 5 dpo. that's a new record & i hate it! stupid hope trying to creep her ass in. bitch- i will cut you!
oh- & this is post 194- i feel like i should have a good build-up to 200, but i can't think of anything to blog about right now as it is- except or whine, rant, cry, whine, blah blah blah...
but somehow i don't think we'll get either.
and it's completely wrong for my boobs to start getting sore now- 5 dpo. that's a new record & i hate it! stupid hope trying to creep her ass in. bitch- i will cut you!
oh- & this is post 194- i feel like i should have a good build-up to 200, but i can't think of anything to blog about right now as it is- except or whine, rant, cry, whine, blah blah blah...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
what is this new feeling???
this week was great. i actually feel happy, hopeful, dare i say- back to my old chipper self? i feel like things are falling into place. there's still a lot of shittiness going on- the shop isn't good & while we are working it out- it's stressful. tom will probably close the doors & do something else. one of the options was going for his cdl- which would mean a year of gone a week at a time. or more. but who knows if that's a serious option at this point in time.
anyway- i still do feel really good. work is going really well.we are incredibly busy & have a few crazy deadlines, but my team is really gelling & working as a team. i feel like a giant dork- but i am so much happier feeling like i am part of something. i feel like my work is a contribution & i feel valued. i also got a wonderful e-mail from a client raving about our work. it was the first time a project that i had a big part of was praised like that & it felt fan-freaking-tastic! plus it always help for the bosses to see that a client's happy! tonight i am going to see my one bosses band play- it's always a really fun time & i haven't felt like doing much of anything social the last few months. it's always been bad timing or i'm in the 2ww, or i'm too bummed because i just got my period.
but now i feel like a giant boulder of depression has been lifted. i am not stifled by my constant thoughts of babies, pregnancy, when, why not me, unfairness. believe me- i still think about it a lot, i still want to get pregnant more than almost anything else. but i want to be myself again. i have been pretty consumed for a while. this past week or so i haven't had that. i've noticed that an entire day goes by that i haven't thought about ttc once. i have a hard time remembering what cycle & day i'm on. i feel like i've returned from a vacation. i've been laughing more. i've actually been happy this week. for me this is huge. i am a naturally happy person- or at least i was up until 2 years ago. i let myself get down by the kidney first, and the lack of pregnancy second. the stress of the hub opening (& possibly closing) a business got to me. the roommate certainly didn't help. i felt like i had lost all control of every aspect of my life. my job suffered & i didn't seem to have my own niche there. my body was broken. i had much less energy.
i don't know exactly what the catalyst was, but i do know that i feel like i am getting control over my life back. i never had it taken from me- i know i was the one who let it go. but now the room mate is gone- i have my home back. the shop may be going- but i'll have my husband back. my job is looking up- but i have a feeling that that's related to my improving attitude & confidence overall. i have my appointment in less than 2 weeks. even if we find nothing wrong we have a plan. it's not the most aggressive, but it's a plan. not just a 'have sex, wait, cry because it hasn't worked' plan. i feel like i a moving backwards emotionally as i move forward- if that makes sense. i feel like i am starting to have some newbie hope. i also find myself thinking that if it takes a year that's perfectly okay. if you told me in november of '06 that i would be okay with waiting two years to start our family* i would have strangled you. but now i am okay with an extended timeline. i don't mind waiting longer. knowing that we have solid plans for our future is enough for the moment.
this is probably a little rambling at this point. i am pretty much just spewing thoughts out. i hope that my old self is back for good. i have a feeling she is- it's too exhausting to want to be different. there may still be struggles & hardships & my share of heartbreak. in fact i can pretty much guarantee it. but i feel better. i feel stronger, i feel like i can take on almost anything & it'll be okay.
*i reserve all rights to change my mind at any time about how long i can keep a positive chipper attitude about waiting to hold our child. this is still a painful & difficult journey. i still expect to be crushed with every period. i still expect to hate having to even go to an RE, get tested, possibly take pills & have IUI's to get pregnant, or make decisions about IVF. i expect to get frustrated & angry & want to quit. i expect to cry at the next baby shower i go to, or at the next pregnancy anouncement i hear. i expect to stare jealousy & droolingly at pregnant women rubbing their bumps, or cuddly chubby babies being carted around the grocery store. i don't think any of that goes away at all. but i feel better prepared to handle it all. i feel like the rest of my life is getting back into the normal groove & maybe as everything starts to fall into place then this will too. it may take some more time & hard work, but i can take it. i'm a lot stronger than i thought.
anyway- i still do feel really good. work is going really well.we are incredibly busy & have a few crazy deadlines, but my team is really gelling & working as a team. i feel like a giant dork- but i am so much happier feeling like i am part of something. i feel like my work is a contribution & i feel valued. i also got a wonderful e-mail from a client raving about our work. it was the first time a project that i had a big part of was praised like that & it felt fan-freaking-tastic! plus it always help for the bosses to see that a client's happy! tonight i am going to see my one bosses band play- it's always a really fun time & i haven't felt like doing much of anything social the last few months. it's always been bad timing or i'm in the 2ww, or i'm too bummed because i just got my period.
but now i feel like a giant boulder of depression has been lifted. i am not stifled by my constant thoughts of babies, pregnancy, when, why not me, unfairness. believe me- i still think about it a lot, i still want to get pregnant more than almost anything else. but i want to be myself again. i have been pretty consumed for a while. this past week or so i haven't had that. i've noticed that an entire day goes by that i haven't thought about ttc once. i have a hard time remembering what cycle & day i'm on. i feel like i've returned from a vacation. i've been laughing more. i've actually been happy this week. for me this is huge. i am a naturally happy person- or at least i was up until 2 years ago. i let myself get down by the kidney first, and the lack of pregnancy second. the stress of the hub opening (& possibly closing) a business got to me. the roommate certainly didn't help. i felt like i had lost all control of every aspect of my life. my job suffered & i didn't seem to have my own niche there. my body was broken. i had much less energy.
i don't know exactly what the catalyst was, but i do know that i feel like i am getting control over my life back. i never had it taken from me- i know i was the one who let it go. but now the room mate is gone- i have my home back. the shop may be going- but i'll have my husband back. my job is looking up- but i have a feeling that that's related to my improving attitude & confidence overall. i have my appointment in less than 2 weeks. even if we find nothing wrong we have a plan. it's not the most aggressive, but it's a plan. not just a 'have sex, wait, cry because it hasn't worked' plan. i feel like i a moving backwards emotionally as i move forward- if that makes sense. i feel like i am starting to have some newbie hope. i also find myself thinking that if it takes a year that's perfectly okay. if you told me in november of '06 that i would be okay with waiting two years to start our family* i would have strangled you. but now i am okay with an extended timeline. i don't mind waiting longer. knowing that we have solid plans for our future is enough for the moment.
this is probably a little rambling at this point. i am pretty much just spewing thoughts out. i hope that my old self is back for good. i have a feeling she is- it's too exhausting to want to be different. there may still be struggles & hardships & my share of heartbreak. in fact i can pretty much guarantee it. but i feel better. i feel stronger, i feel like i can take on almost anything & it'll be okay.
*i reserve all rights to change my mind at any time about how long i can keep a positive chipper attitude about waiting to hold our child. this is still a painful & difficult journey. i still expect to be crushed with every period. i still expect to hate having to even go to an RE, get tested, possibly take pills & have IUI's to get pregnant, or make decisions about IVF. i expect to get frustrated & angry & want to quit. i expect to cry at the next baby shower i go to, or at the next pregnancy anouncement i hear. i expect to stare jealousy & droolingly at pregnant women rubbing their bumps, or cuddly chubby babies being carted around the grocery store. i don't think any of that goes away at all. but i feel better prepared to handle it all. i feel like the rest of my life is getting back into the normal groove & maybe as everything starts to fall into place then this will too. it may take some more time & hard work, but i can take it. i'm a lot stronger than i thought.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
new year, new look, new name
just trying out some new stuff in the hope that a lot more "new"s happen.
today's update- the roomie is moving out this month- but his dog has until the end of the week. my boobs are more sore than i can remember them ever being at 9dpo- of course memory is a funny thing. i waver between actually daring to hope that we may have done it (ouselves!) this month & being convinced that there's no way. only a few more days until i know for sure.
i am hedging my bets and calling my primary doc tomorrow to see about that referral though...
today's update- the roomie is moving out this month- but his dog has until the end of the week. my boobs are more sore than i can remember them ever being at 9dpo- of course memory is a funny thing. i waver between actually daring to hope that we may have done it (ouselves!) this month & being convinced that there's no way. only a few more days until i know for sure.
i am hedging my bets and calling my primary doc tomorrow to see about that referral though...
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
broken glasses
a word to the wise- when surprising your husband with New Year's day mimosa's (made better with organic peach mango juice instead of oj) please make sure that he is not working on the house while drinking them.
one of our beautiful red swirled champagne glasses now lies in pieces in our garbage can. but the living room floor looks pretty damn good because we found out the hard way that champagne will bleach out the dark spots the previous owners left.
our new year's eve was pretty uneventful. my parents stopped by on their trip home to richmond after visiting in nj this weekend. it was a very nice visit & they spoiled us, as usual. i wanted them to stay, but they wanted to go home & sleep in their own bed. they called at 12:11 to wish us a happy new year & they were 10 minutes from home. which kind of sucks- i've been in the car for the ball drop & i've hated it. new year's is another huge holiday for me. i love the fireworks, i love sending the year off, i love looking forward to what the next year will bring. that's why this year is such a letdown for me. the magic that this season has always held for me is gone. i was the person that ran out of whatever place i was at to scream 'happy new year!' from the top of my lungs. i'll get the noisemakers & the hats. i throw the confetti. but this year the hub & i cuddled in bed & watched the fireworks, listening to all the neighborhood banging their pots & letting off the air horns.
and i really can't imagine another way i could have spent the eve. all our friends were either out of town, or unavailable. our families are far far away (or on the road). and we don't have any money to waste on going out downtown. 2007 kicked our asses & we welcomed 2008 with a whimper. a plea to please be kind. since 2006 was pretty rough & 2007 was downright fucking mean, i can only beg for 2008 to at least let us be. if i can find a glimmer of my old self, maybe, just maybe, i can believe in the magic again. maybe i can let hope return. maybe i can let 2008 be what it is & just be happy about whatever that might be.
so here's to 2008. may she not kick us while we're down. may we all get lifted up to where we want to be.
*mere moments before hitting publish i got a phone call from an old friend of the hub & i. he & his girlfriend live in cali, but he is from our hometown in ny & she is from here. so every new years for the past 3 years they've spent with us. they are a little late this year & are coming into town today. they'll be making our place their first stop on the east coast. but their visit has stirred up a lot of mixed feelings with me.
they were the very first people tom told that we were trying. i had told my friend (pregnant at the time coworker) & due to that experience i didn't want to tell a single soul after that. but during new year's eve '06 tom told them we were trying. 5 months later they were in town again & we met up for lunch with them & her pregnant (with a 8 month old already) SIL. who told me that we should just borrow her husbands 'super sperm' after our friends had asked how everything was going. um- yeah. that really sucked.
but we were still fresh in the trying period & hope was all around me. i could take it. now i can't. i am having a hard time prepping myself for their inevitable 'how's the whole kid thing going' questions. while i love them dearly- i really don't want to cry today. it's ruining my whole attempt at a new outlook. the hub says we should just tell them it's on hold until the whole shop thing is cleared up & the house is done. as much as i tend to want to say that- i don't want to lie or hide our fears.
it's too much a part of me at this point. and it feels wrong. we are having trouble conceiving. we are possibly infertile. or at least definitely subfertile. there is a problem somewhere. we are moving on to a specialist to hopefully find out what the problem is & fix it. and hopefully our greatest dream will come true before we have to say goodbye to 2008. hopefully the next time we see our friends it will be with an extra heartbeat that we welcome them.
one of our beautiful red swirled champagne glasses now lies in pieces in our garbage can. but the living room floor looks pretty damn good because we found out the hard way that champagne will bleach out the dark spots the previous owners left.
our new year's eve was pretty uneventful. my parents stopped by on their trip home to richmond after visiting in nj this weekend. it was a very nice visit & they spoiled us, as usual. i wanted them to stay, but they wanted to go home & sleep in their own bed. they called at 12:11 to wish us a happy new year & they were 10 minutes from home. which kind of sucks- i've been in the car for the ball drop & i've hated it. new year's is another huge holiday for me. i love the fireworks, i love sending the year off, i love looking forward to what the next year will bring. that's why this year is such a letdown for me. the magic that this season has always held for me is gone. i was the person that ran out of whatever place i was at to scream 'happy new year!' from the top of my lungs. i'll get the noisemakers & the hats. i throw the confetti. but this year the hub & i cuddled in bed & watched the fireworks, listening to all the neighborhood banging their pots & letting off the air horns.
and i really can't imagine another way i could have spent the eve. all our friends were either out of town, or unavailable. our families are far far away (or on the road). and we don't have any money to waste on going out downtown. 2007 kicked our asses & we welcomed 2008 with a whimper. a plea to please be kind. since 2006 was pretty rough & 2007 was downright fucking mean, i can only beg for 2008 to at least let us be. if i can find a glimmer of my old self, maybe, just maybe, i can believe in the magic again. maybe i can let hope return. maybe i can let 2008 be what it is & just be happy about whatever that might be.
so here's to 2008. may she not kick us while we're down. may we all get lifted up to where we want to be.
*mere moments before hitting publish i got a phone call from an old friend of the hub & i. he & his girlfriend live in cali, but he is from our hometown in ny & she is from here. so every new years for the past 3 years they've spent with us. they are a little late this year & are coming into town today. they'll be making our place their first stop on the east coast. but their visit has stirred up a lot of mixed feelings with me.
they were the very first people tom told that we were trying. i had told my friend (pregnant at the time coworker) & due to that experience i didn't want to tell a single soul after that. but during new year's eve '06 tom told them we were trying. 5 months later they were in town again & we met up for lunch with them & her pregnant (with a 8 month old already) SIL. who told me that we should just borrow her husbands 'super sperm' after our friends had asked how everything was going. um- yeah. that really sucked.
but we were still fresh in the trying period & hope was all around me. i could take it. now i can't. i am having a hard time prepping myself for their inevitable 'how's the whole kid thing going' questions. while i love them dearly- i really don't want to cry today. it's ruining my whole attempt at a new outlook. the hub says we should just tell them it's on hold until the whole shop thing is cleared up & the house is done. as much as i tend to want to say that- i don't want to lie or hide our fears.
it's too much a part of me at this point. and it feels wrong. we are having trouble conceiving. we are possibly infertile. or at least definitely subfertile. there is a problem somewhere. we are moving on to a specialist to hopefully find out what the problem is & fix it. and hopefully our greatest dream will come true before we have to say goodbye to 2008. hopefully the next time we see our friends it will be with an extra heartbeat that we welcome them.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
fresh start
even though it's still a few days from the new year, i have decided i wanted a fresh start. in reading over my last post it felt to whiny, too bitchy, too knee jerk reaction. i think it reflected more of my own foul mood rather than what this christmas was actually like. basically- i didn't want to read it again myself & i deleted it. i just thought i would explain that here.
i don't want to dwell on how shitty i feel about not being pregnant, about not being a mom. i haven't been able to shake this feeling lately & i want to put an end to it. i hate that i should be somewhat excited about making my appointment & looking forward to getting some possible answers, but the ONLY thing i can think about is the futility of it. why bother even getting tested- it doesn't change anything. i still won't be able to get pregnant. on the one had- if they find a reason there is a slight chance that whatever it takes to fix it will be covered by my insurance. if it isn't then i will be stuck. stuck knowing what is wrong & what could fix it, but most likely unable to do a damn thing about it for a while because we have no more savings.
on the other (more likely) hand, if we are 'unexplained' then we are certainly stalled for the same reason. no money=no treatments that cost over $200-300 a month (& even that means some serious budget crucnching right now). essentially- i am pretty sure that the only thing we will be able to do is clomid (or equivalent). and since i don't seem to have an ovulation problem- other than ovulating late-ish, i don't see that really making a difference. how ironic is it that i am hoping that something is found- something that my insurance will fix. something that means we won't have to wait any longer. we are just getting our feet under us & are slowly digging our way out from under the mound the shop put us under. it is unrealistic to think that we can afford a couple hundred bucks every month that really should go to paying things off & THEN saving for treatments.
then again- this is a bleak holiday season. maybe next year, next month, next week i will feel better. more refreshed & ready to tackle the next hurdle. but right now i just want to curl up with the hub & a beer, watch some mindless tv & forget about my pathetic little miseries.
but some small, but apparently noisy, part of me still has some hope. i hope that there isn't anything wrong with either of us & that we don't need an RE. despite all the mounting evidence- i don't want to have to go to another specialist for another unknown problem. i'm tired of being broken & having to have surgery to fix me. but i am more tired of not being a mommy- so even if takes years more to save (whether for some form of ART or for adoption) i will do it. i just need to work up to it right now, my energy is down & it's going to take a little bit to get my chipper self back.
i don't want to dwell on how shitty i feel about not being pregnant, about not being a mom. i haven't been able to shake this feeling lately & i want to put an end to it. i hate that i should be somewhat excited about making my appointment & looking forward to getting some possible answers, but the ONLY thing i can think about is the futility of it. why bother even getting tested- it doesn't change anything. i still won't be able to get pregnant. on the one had- if they find a reason there is a slight chance that whatever it takes to fix it will be covered by my insurance. if it isn't then i will be stuck. stuck knowing what is wrong & what could fix it, but most likely unable to do a damn thing about it for a while because we have no more savings.
on the other (more likely) hand, if we are 'unexplained' then we are certainly stalled for the same reason. no money=no treatments that cost over $200-300 a month (& even that means some serious budget crucnching right now). essentially- i am pretty sure that the only thing we will be able to do is clomid (or equivalent). and since i don't seem to have an ovulation problem- other than ovulating late-ish, i don't see that really making a difference. how ironic is it that i am hoping that something is found- something that my insurance will fix. something that means we won't have to wait any longer. we are just getting our feet under us & are slowly digging our way out from under the mound the shop put us under. it is unrealistic to think that we can afford a couple hundred bucks every month that really should go to paying things off & THEN saving for treatments.
then again- this is a bleak holiday season. maybe next year, next month, next week i will feel better. more refreshed & ready to tackle the next hurdle. but right now i just want to curl up with the hub & a beer, watch some mindless tv & forget about my pathetic little miseries.
but some small, but apparently noisy, part of me still has some hope. i hope that there isn't anything wrong with either of us & that we don't need an RE. despite all the mounting evidence- i don't want to have to go to another specialist for another unknown problem. i'm tired of being broken & having to have surgery to fix me. but i am more tired of not being a mommy- so even if takes years more to save (whether for some form of ART or for adoption) i will do it. i just need to work up to it right now, my energy is down & it's going to take a little bit to get my chipper self back.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
icky poo rant
i do not feel good. i almost never get sick- especially since i quit smoking almost 2 years ago. except for the whole kidney thing- i usually don't even really get colds. but since saturday my body is on this rollercoaster of illness & it's no fun. saturday i was laid out all day with a raging headache mixed with nauseau. sunday was peachy- nothing wrong at all. yesterday i had nauseau again this time mixed with congestion & that fuzzy head cold feeling. this morning i am just exhausted. a little bit of tummy ache- not even full blown nauseau, but i can tell i'm 'off'. stuff's been going around & i don't want to get sick. especially not stomach flu sick. yuck!
i am feeling crappy in general right now- i can't tell if it's a by-product of not physically feeling well or not. i feel like i am bloated beyond belief & fat days are the norm right now. i hate hearing the room mate walk through the door. i just want him to leave already! he is supposedly looking for places- but he hasn't told us- we had to hear through the grapevine of tom's business partner. strange. he also claimed that he would pick up some frozen pizzas to replace the 2 of mine he ate- still nothing. this may seem a little petty to you- let me explain. i noticed the first one at least a month ago because we had only eaten one out of 6 frozen pizzas- yet there were only 4 in the freezer. (there was a huge sale & i was feeling lazy about dinners) normally i couldn't give a rat's ass if the roommate got hungry & ate one- go for it. but i do think it's rude not to replace it- especially since he's not a close friend or member of the family. but to not say he ate it- EVER!!!- and even more to bring the box upstairs so it's not in the kitchen trash- well that's just weird. if money was that tight for him that he felt like he had to hide the fact he ate one of our cheap frozen pizzas- i would have let him have it. but since he hid & denied it- i want my freaking pizzas back! oh- plus we can't find half our towels. i have no idea what happens behind his door & i'm really concerned that he will owe us new sheets & possibly a whole new bed because of his stinking drooling viscious mess of a dog. speaking of which- he is the worst dog owner i have ever seen. case in point- yesterday he was supposed to work 9-5. the dog goes in the crate say at 8:30. he walked through our door at 9:15. that's over 12 hours!!! tom finally took him out & walked him because we felt so bad. we've been told by the roommate to just leave him in there when he's not home since the dog has bitten both of us before & i for one am too scared to have him out. but it's not the dog's fault & i feel terrible for him. he has a horrible owner. now- if the room mate is going out & trying to find a new place, or whatever- after work, why wouldn't he just pick up a phone & let us know that & ask to walk his dog... it's what i would do. i feel like a bad puppy mommy if it's after 5:30 & no one is home for my kids. they are crated too- and yes it is for at least 8 hours. but they get decent walks right before & right after. his dog gets let out for 30 seconds before & after!!! how in the world can that be good for him!
if it wasn't for having my own animals here i would call the humane department on him. he just needs to leave soon.
okay- rant over- feeling better. at least tom & i are doing better. he's actually made some $$$ & all of our immediate bills are caught up. still no presents for christmas this year- but at least we can actually sleep a little better. oh- nothing at all to report on the ttc front except less than one week till my annual + getting testing rolling. and i think i might be 4 dpo. maybe, maybe not. but i am fairly sure that there will be no af for my visit- which i was a little concerned that i would have to reschedule. i would have gotten one sooner, but my insurance makes you wait one calendar year. sucky insurance!
i am feeling crappy in general right now- i can't tell if it's a by-product of not physically feeling well or not. i feel like i am bloated beyond belief & fat days are the norm right now. i hate hearing the room mate walk through the door. i just want him to leave already! he is supposedly looking for places- but he hasn't told us- we had to hear through the grapevine of tom's business partner. strange. he also claimed that he would pick up some frozen pizzas to replace the 2 of mine he ate- still nothing. this may seem a little petty to you- let me explain. i noticed the first one at least a month ago because we had only eaten one out of 6 frozen pizzas- yet there were only 4 in the freezer. (there was a huge sale & i was feeling lazy about dinners) normally i couldn't give a rat's ass if the roommate got hungry & ate one- go for it. but i do think it's rude not to replace it- especially since he's not a close friend or member of the family. but to not say he ate it- EVER!!!- and even more to bring the box upstairs so it's not in the kitchen trash- well that's just weird. if money was that tight for him that he felt like he had to hide the fact he ate one of our cheap frozen pizzas- i would have let him have it. but since he hid & denied it- i want my freaking pizzas back! oh- plus we can't find half our towels. i have no idea what happens behind his door & i'm really concerned that he will owe us new sheets & possibly a whole new bed because of his stinking drooling viscious mess of a dog. speaking of which- he is the worst dog owner i have ever seen. case in point- yesterday he was supposed to work 9-5. the dog goes in the crate say at 8:30. he walked through our door at 9:15. that's over 12 hours!!! tom finally took him out & walked him because we felt so bad. we've been told by the roommate to just leave him in there when he's not home since the dog has bitten both of us before & i for one am too scared to have him out. but it's not the dog's fault & i feel terrible for him. he has a horrible owner. now- if the room mate is going out & trying to find a new place, or whatever- after work, why wouldn't he just pick up a phone & let us know that & ask to walk his dog... it's what i would do. i feel like a bad puppy mommy if it's after 5:30 & no one is home for my kids. they are crated too- and yes it is for at least 8 hours. but they get decent walks right before & right after. his dog gets let out for 30 seconds before & after!!! how in the world can that be good for him!
if it wasn't for having my own animals here i would call the humane department on him. he just needs to leave soon.
okay- rant over- feeling better. at least tom & i are doing better. he's actually made some $$$ & all of our immediate bills are caught up. still no presents for christmas this year- but at least we can actually sleep a little better. oh- nothing at all to report on the ttc front except less than one week till my annual + getting testing rolling. and i think i might be 4 dpo. maybe, maybe not. but i am fairly sure that there will be no af for my visit- which i was a little concerned that i would have to reschedule. i would have gotten one sooner, but my insurance makes you wait one calendar year. sucky insurance!
Monday, December 3, 2007
busy work
you know when you are in school you are given random miscellaneous stuff to do that really serves no purpose other than to keep you occupied & quiet- well that's what i think my life is right now. i'm trying to find some busy work to keep my thoughts of ttc & babies suppressed.
babysitting was awesome on saturday- the 3 kids were so well behaved- not a single whine from any of them, including the 19 month old with a broken arm. can i just tell you how cute a little tiny girl with blonde bangs & a big old cast is! she was also sleeping in her toddler bed for the first time & i was warned that she had no nap & might pitch a fit & to just close the door & let her cry, that she would probably fall asleep on the floor. well- i said let's go get ready for bed & she went to the stairs & waited for me to follow her up. right into her room, change the diaper & finally found some pj's that fit over the cast & she crawled into her bed on her own!
the other 2 are older & the cutest little chatterboxes. we played princess monopo.ly until after 9 & then it was up to sleep on their parents bed. i was wiped out after 5 hours of playing games & hearing all about their recent trip to a magical kingdom- and they are wonderful kids. three is a lot on your own. but it was fun & i didn't have my usual pity party afterwards, which i am very happy about.
this week should be fairly busy, which is good. i think it's the week i ovulate- but i'm not doing anything at all to confirm it. all my hope has been stripped away, not just for this cycle, but even after testing starts- so i figure what's the point. i might as well enjoy not knowing since it really doesn't make a difference right now. maybe by occupying myself with life i can make mine less about the dissappointments of ttc & having everything come crashing down around me. while i don't think i can ever stop wanting to have a baby & start a family, maybe i can push it to just outside the focal point.
babysitting was awesome on saturday- the 3 kids were so well behaved- not a single whine from any of them, including the 19 month old with a broken arm. can i just tell you how cute a little tiny girl with blonde bangs & a big old cast is! she was also sleeping in her toddler bed for the first time & i was warned that she had no nap & might pitch a fit & to just close the door & let her cry, that she would probably fall asleep on the floor. well- i said let's go get ready for bed & she went to the stairs & waited for me to follow her up. right into her room, change the diaper & finally found some pj's that fit over the cast & she crawled into her bed on her own!
the other 2 are older & the cutest little chatterboxes. we played princess monopo.ly until after 9 & then it was up to sleep on their parents bed. i was wiped out after 5 hours of playing games & hearing all about their recent trip to a magical kingdom- and they are wonderful kids. three is a lot on your own. but it was fun & i didn't have my usual pity party afterwards, which i am very happy about.
this week should be fairly busy, which is good. i think it's the week i ovulate- but i'm not doing anything at all to confirm it. all my hope has been stripped away, not just for this cycle, but even after testing starts- so i figure what's the point. i might as well enjoy not knowing since it really doesn't make a difference right now. maybe by occupying myself with life i can make mine less about the dissappointments of ttc & having everything come crashing down around me. while i don't think i can ever stop wanting to have a baby & start a family, maybe i can push it to just outside the focal point.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
37829% jealous
last night a group from work went to visit a friend of the firm's & her 3 week old son. he is so perfect & sweet & chubby & smelled so wonderful. as great as seeing & holding a new baby is- i was surprised that i didn't have any flare ups of jealousy at all. he was just too perfect for that. and i think that any time i hold a new baby (any child really, but new babies have a special magic all their own) everything else kind of goes away. it's just about enjoying that moment.
my manager brought her 1 year old over also. this girl is seriously the best. i've known her since she was 4 days old & she is a loveable little imp. she has the best expressive face & she is walking & babbling now. her mom wanted to hold the new baby & she was a little difficult with that- but i played with her & occupied her with my camera & camera bag. by the end of the night i was carrying her around & she gave me a bear hug- the one where they throw their head on your shoulder & bury it in- and a kiss. i totally melted. for me- that sums up perfectly why i want this so bad. what in the world could be better. and if i had that for a fleeting moment with a child i only get to see on occasion- just imagine the love of your own.
as much as the moments i am with kids make me so happy-as soon as i left i bawled on the way home because i don't know if i am going to have that in my life. i hope i do. i hope i do soon. but what if it's just not in the cards. i was convinced that i would either have it already, or at least be pregnant & looking foward to it, by this time. it's just really hard to look forward with hope right now.
and i am waiting to see if i am babysitting another manager's kids tonight. if i'm not i will be so disappointed, but i am also pretty sure that if i do i will cry again tonight when i leave. what a catch 22, i love hanging out with kids- they make me truly happy. i need extra money & i am a great babysitter & would love to do that. but as soon as i leave all i can think of is that my destiny could be to be the eternal babysitter- always borrowing the love of other's children & not knowing that of my own.
p.s.- my horoscope is a little frightening today- especially because i AM driving about 40 minutes to babysit!
If it's at all possible today, avoid driving or operating any heavy machinery. If this sounds like a prescription label to you, then just think of it as a prescription for your day. The big problem will be your energy -- it will not be dependable. Expect mood swings that send you off in unexpected directions. Your mind will wander with little (if any) provocation. Recent revelations are on your mind, which may keep you from giving your full focus to the tasks that demand your attention.
my manager brought her 1 year old over also. this girl is seriously the best. i've known her since she was 4 days old & she is a loveable little imp. she has the best expressive face & she is walking & babbling now. her mom wanted to hold the new baby & she was a little difficult with that- but i played with her & occupied her with my camera & camera bag. by the end of the night i was carrying her around & she gave me a bear hug- the one where they throw their head on your shoulder & bury it in- and a kiss. i totally melted. for me- that sums up perfectly why i want this so bad. what in the world could be better. and if i had that for a fleeting moment with a child i only get to see on occasion- just imagine the love of your own.
as much as the moments i am with kids make me so happy-as soon as i left i bawled on the way home because i don't know if i am going to have that in my life. i hope i do. i hope i do soon. but what if it's just not in the cards. i was convinced that i would either have it already, or at least be pregnant & looking foward to it, by this time. it's just really hard to look forward with hope right now.
and i am waiting to see if i am babysitting another manager's kids tonight. if i'm not i will be so disappointed, but i am also pretty sure that if i do i will cry again tonight when i leave. what a catch 22, i love hanging out with kids- they make me truly happy. i need extra money & i am a great babysitter & would love to do that. but as soon as i leave all i can think of is that my destiny could be to be the eternal babysitter- always borrowing the love of other's children & not knowing that of my own.
p.s.- my horoscope is a little frightening today- especially because i AM driving about 40 minutes to babysit!
If it's at all possible today, avoid driving or operating any heavy machinery. If this sounds like a prescription label to you, then just think of it as a prescription for your day. The big problem will be your energy -- it will not be dependable. Expect mood swings that send you off in unexpected directions. Your mind will wander with little (if any) provocation. Recent revelations are on your mind, which may keep you from giving your full focus to the tasks that demand your attention.
Friday, November 23, 2007
happy, happy
so- thanksgiving was really really good. we went to my aunt's house & dinner was fantastic, my sister & parents were there & after dinner we played a little game that all the kiddies want. a wee little game! watched my uncle, aunt, and then my mom (!) bowl & box was fantastic! as soon as i figure out how- i will have to post the funniest video ever showing the magic that is a 50 year old playing this game! oh- and mom was sooo much better than usual. she was like the mom i knew & loved, rather than the usual hormonal, menopausal, bitchy, & martyresque self she usually is. she & my dad had some lovely married for 30+ years moments too. my mom has also lost almost 30 pounds & i am really proud of her- she looks fantastic! i think that her mood has definitely been affected by that.
we came back today to hang out after some black friday shopping. i got a new work winter wardrobe & tom got sexy new jeans. that actually are stylish & show off his butt- which is one of my favorite parts of him ;o) my cousin (16 & just got his permit-ooh i feel old!) got that game with the guitar... and the heroes... so much fun- but so so hard! even my husband, who was a SIGNED MUSICIAN, sucked horribly. even i did better, but not by much. i think that there is a chip that was installed in all kids born after 1985 that enables them to instictively do better at all video games.. you would not believe that kids who have never even heard of KIS.S are playing "rock & roll- all night' like they were true rock gods. and social di.stortion is WAY too hard for me to handle!!!
all in all it was a really good holiday. except of course for the wonderful cuddly babies & moms & toddlers i saw all over the mall today. that made me a little sad. seeing the mom with the cute & cuddly little 4 month old in the sling while she held her cherubic little 3 year old's hand made me want for that so much. so we left the mall because i would have dwelled on what we DON"T have too much if we stayed. plus we definitely don't need to spend any more $$. and no one even asked when we were going to have kids or anything at dinner or today. so it was a good holiday & i think i can face christmas if it's anything like thanksgiving was.
we came back today to hang out after some black friday shopping. i got a new work winter wardrobe & tom got sexy new jeans. that actually are stylish & show off his butt- which is one of my favorite parts of him ;o) my cousin (16 & just got his permit-ooh i feel old!) got that game with the guitar... and the heroes... so much fun- but so so hard! even my husband, who was a SIGNED MUSICIAN, sucked horribly. even i did better, but not by much. i think that there is a chip that was installed in all kids born after 1985 that enables them to instictively do better at all video games.. you would not believe that kids who have never even heard of KIS.S are playing "rock & roll- all night' like they were true rock gods. and social di.stortion is WAY too hard for me to handle!!!
all in all it was a really good holiday. except of course for the wonderful cuddly babies & moms & toddlers i saw all over the mall today. that made me a little sad. seeing the mom with the cute & cuddly little 4 month old in the sling while she held her cherubic little 3 year old's hand made me want for that so much. so we left the mall because i would have dwelled on what we DON"T have too much if we stayed. plus we definitely don't need to spend any more $$. and no one even asked when we were going to have kids or anything at dinner or today. so it was a good holiday & i think i can face christmas if it's anything like thanksgiving was.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
#100
i just noticed that this is my 100th post.
today is (as usual) better than yesterday. but yesterday was bad. bad bad bad. i spent most of the day curled up alone on the couch crying over ric.e krispi.es & airline commercials. you know the ones that show moms & kids with sappy music that just say how freaking wonderful these moments are & how great it is to share them with your kids. except i don't have any. then tom came home early- because i'm pretty sure he IS closing up the shop by the new year- and we just cuddled on the couch for a while. which was lovely. but we were supposed to go out to a friend's house for a party so we got ready & got in the car to go get food. pull into the parking lot and i told him my thoughts- i don't even remember what exactly was said- but he responded to my query at his thoughts with a "i can't think about YOUR problems when i have enough of MINE right now." i was very upset (i still think understandibly so) that he thinks that our (possible) infertility is MY problem & the shop is HIS. i tend to think of them as OURS- both of them. so we fight. and it's ugly. thankfully we have perfected the form of fighting particular to us in the 11 years we've been together & it's over by the time we get back home. so we make up, turn around again & get some food.
then to our friend's house & it was exactly what we both needed. watching cheesy crappy movies- evil dead 2 & evil animals. hysterical. lots of wine & absolutely no mention or thoughts of starting (or not starting) a family. just enjoying the moment. oh- and pumpkin pie. yum.
so i don't know where this 100th post is - i don't know my own mood right now. i do know that i'm tired of thinking about this all the time. i'm tired of getting disappointed, of getting my hopes up & heart broken every month. i'm tired of telling my husband when we NEED to have sex & not just living my life carefree & enjoying every part of it. i'm tired of taking my temp every morning & worrying if i should start opk'ing yet. i guess i'm just tired of planning for something i can't control. i know what to do & it doesn't seem to work. i know what we could do if we get certain results back from testing- or even if we don't. but i also know that we have a lot more to work out right now. we can't afford to move forward very far with any sort of art right now if that is what is to come. not with his business closing. does this mean that we shouldn't try. that it would be irresponsible to even attempt to get pregnant right now. i'm not even sure.
because i also know that we are supposed to be parents. i know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine- better than fine- we'll flourish. i mean- we have so far. after a year of trying & a year of basically supporting us- i am stronger than i thought i was. i understand love & sacrifice in a way i never thought. but i also know disappointment & frustration. i know the meaning of 'out of our hands'. we can't control a lot in this life, but we can try our best. and that's about it. i know that i will never stop trying, i just can't imagine it. and someday (somehow) we will get our child. and our hard work will pay off. my husband will be happy at his career- whatever that ends up being. and all the tears are worth it in the end. so i hear.
so i guess i am just hoping to be less disappointed and less heartbroken. i am hoping to to feel secure & happy all the time- not just the moments i can put ttc out if my mind. i am hoping beyond hope that we get some good news soon. and until my hopes are realized i will try very hard to stay positive about life in general. and just keep trying.
today is (as usual) better than yesterday. but yesterday was bad. bad bad bad. i spent most of the day curled up alone on the couch crying over ric.e krispi.es & airline commercials. you know the ones that show moms & kids with sappy music that just say how freaking wonderful these moments are & how great it is to share them with your kids. except i don't have any. then tom came home early- because i'm pretty sure he IS closing up the shop by the new year- and we just cuddled on the couch for a while. which was lovely. but we were supposed to go out to a friend's house for a party so we got ready & got in the car to go get food. pull into the parking lot and i told him my thoughts- i don't even remember what exactly was said- but he responded to my query at his thoughts with a "i can't think about YOUR problems when i have enough of MINE right now." i was very upset (i still think understandibly so) that he thinks that our (possible) infertility is MY problem & the shop is HIS. i tend to think of them as OURS- both of them. so we fight. and it's ugly. thankfully we have perfected the form of fighting particular to us in the 11 years we've been together & it's over by the time we get back home. so we make up, turn around again & get some food.
then to our friend's house & it was exactly what we both needed. watching cheesy crappy movies- evil dead 2 & evil animals. hysterical. lots of wine & absolutely no mention or thoughts of starting (or not starting) a family. just enjoying the moment. oh- and pumpkin pie. yum.
so i don't know where this 100th post is - i don't know my own mood right now. i do know that i'm tired of thinking about this all the time. i'm tired of getting disappointed, of getting my hopes up & heart broken every month. i'm tired of telling my husband when we NEED to have sex & not just living my life carefree & enjoying every part of it. i'm tired of taking my temp every morning & worrying if i should start opk'ing yet. i guess i'm just tired of planning for something i can't control. i know what to do & it doesn't seem to work. i know what we could do if we get certain results back from testing- or even if we don't. but i also know that we have a lot more to work out right now. we can't afford to move forward very far with any sort of art right now if that is what is to come. not with his business closing. does this mean that we shouldn't try. that it would be irresponsible to even attempt to get pregnant right now. i'm not even sure.
because i also know that we are supposed to be parents. i know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine- better than fine- we'll flourish. i mean- we have so far. after a year of trying & a year of basically supporting us- i am stronger than i thought i was. i understand love & sacrifice in a way i never thought. but i also know disappointment & frustration. i know the meaning of 'out of our hands'. we can't control a lot in this life, but we can try our best. and that's about it. i know that i will never stop trying, i just can't imagine it. and someday (somehow) we will get our child. and our hard work will pay off. my husband will be happy at his career- whatever that ends up being. and all the tears are worth it in the end. so i hear.
so i guess i am just hoping to be less disappointed and less heartbroken. i am hoping to to feel secure & happy all the time- not just the moments i can put ttc out if my mind. i am hoping beyond hope that we get some good news soon. and until my hopes are realized i will try very hard to stay positive about life in general. and just keep trying.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
it looks like i was wrong
my O day was most likely cd22 & spot arrived today- af will be here is full force by the end of the day. Officially on to cycle 13. our year is up.* today just sucks all around. i am so pissed off about life in general. i want tom's shop to stop failing & actually make us some money so i can stop worrying & we can get the room mate out. it's not that i hate the room mate- i just want my house back. i want to go to my bathroom & not be disgusted because he doesn't clean up the toilet after himself. seriously grossed out today. i did say something, hopefully it worked & my bathroom is sanitary again.
i want my husband back. i want him to be able to pay bills like i know he wants to. i want him to not feel like a failure because he has a bad business partner. i want to feel safe. i want to hold my baby in my arms. dammit- i just want to have my happy family. i just don't feel like i have too much to be thankful for today. i know i do, but it's excaped my mind.
* i still don't think that we truly deserve a technical 'infertile' diagnosis yet. the first two months we tried we had such horrible timing that i don't know how i could possibly really count them. but i will schedule my appointment with my pcp & get what testing she does done & move on. because in the scheme of things does 2 months really matter- we've had at least 8 months- 8 tries with PERFECT timing. while i really truly do know that 8 tries= nothing- it just doesn't make sense not to start testing now. i already put it off as it is & i might as well do what i can. i just really didn't want to make it here. i wanted to be one of the lucky ones.
i was talking to my best friend & i think we summed it up perfectly- why couldn't i just get a surprise pregnancy without trying- but with the knowledge & understanding that a year of trying brings... because i think that any pregnancy i have now will be treasured & loved with every bit of my being. every nauseous moment, every waddle, every extra pound & every bit of swelling & discomfort will be beautiful to me. i will probably complain- i mean who doesn't- but it will be with true love & gratitude that i get to complain. because i know that i'm lucky just to get that.
update- within 10 minutes of writing this af is here full force. i hate this so much. i know today is going to be spent crying in my pj's. hope fucking sucks.
i want my husband back. i want him to be able to pay bills like i know he wants to. i want him to not feel like a failure because he has a bad business partner. i want to feel safe. i want to hold my baby in my arms. dammit- i just want to have my happy family. i just don't feel like i have too much to be thankful for today. i know i do, but it's excaped my mind.
* i still don't think that we truly deserve a technical 'infertile' diagnosis yet. the first two months we tried we had such horrible timing that i don't know how i could possibly really count them. but i will schedule my appointment with my pcp & get what testing she does done & move on. because in the scheme of things does 2 months really matter- we've had at least 8 months- 8 tries with PERFECT timing. while i really truly do know that 8 tries= nothing- it just doesn't make sense not to start testing now. i already put it off as it is & i might as well do what i can. i just really didn't want to make it here. i wanted to be one of the lucky ones.
i was talking to my best friend & i think we summed it up perfectly- why couldn't i just get a surprise pregnancy without trying- but with the knowledge & understanding that a year of trying brings... because i think that any pregnancy i have now will be treasured & loved with every bit of my being. every nauseous moment, every waddle, every extra pound & every bit of swelling & discomfort will be beautiful to me. i will probably complain- i mean who doesn't- but it will be with true love & gratitude that i get to complain. because i know that i'm lucky just to get that.
update- within 10 minutes of writing this af is here full force. i hate this so much. i know today is going to be spent crying in my pj's. hope fucking sucks.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
today's doings
cd28, 10 dpo (or 11 if i am correct in my assumptions), temp up just a little higher still, and 2 housewarmings to go to.
keeping my mind occupied comes in waves & goes far away while asleep. i remember my very vivid dreams normally- so that's not new, but the crazy sex dreams are. as well as the multiple baby dreams every night. usually my dreams are a release, a santuary from ttc. but this week they have been all baby all the time. a few nights ago i had a great big beautiful bump. last night i was telling this random super hot guy that my hubby & i were seperated because we couldn't have kids. then we got it on.
weird. oh- hubby also had some weird 'indecent p.rposal' thing going on where he gave me away for money. i yelled at him for it when i woke up. he laughed at my silliness.
keeping my mind occupied comes in waves & goes far away while asleep. i remember my very vivid dreams normally- so that's not new, but the crazy sex dreams are. as well as the multiple baby dreams every night. usually my dreams are a release, a santuary from ttc. but this week they have been all baby all the time. a few nights ago i had a great big beautiful bump. last night i was telling this random super hot guy that my hubby & i were seperated because we couldn't have kids. then we got it on.
weird. oh- hubby also had some weird 'indecent p.rposal' thing going on where he gave me away for money. i yelled at him for it when i woke up. he laughed at my silliness.
Friday, November 9, 2007
distractions
does it count as distraction to search ff for pregnancy charts like mine? i don't think so. not that my chart is anything really special. but today's temp is the highest temp at this point i've gotten in the past 4 months. i just wish that actually meant something. so i'm not alone in obsessing- here's the last 4 months overlaid on this month. this cycle is the light blue:
sorry it's such a crappy image- it's the best i can do on my crappy computer. anyway- i swear i'm not really obsessing- really! my O-date has been questioned by ff about 4 or 5 times & the only reason i even have solid crosshairs is that i took out day 17's negative opk. my immediate 'post-o' temps are low & flat. but... i want this to be the cycle so badly that i find myself running downstairs every morning to plug in my temp. hoping to see some magical sign pop up from ff that says "congrats- your temps say you did it!"
ah well- we all know that doesn't happen & even pretty charts don't mean bfp's. my wonky charts mean more fuel for my testing. and that's ok. i guess.
the good news today is that i have definitely noticed a difference in how i handle stress. an incedent happened on wednesday at work that had me right back to my anxious & stressed out state- for about an hour. then i forced myself to calm down & let go. and it was so much better. i ignored the attitude from my manager (or at least didn't let it bother me), and decided that while i had made a mistake, it's not the end of the world & everything worked out just fine. it's all about how you handle your problems & how you fix your f-ups, right? so even if this cycle is a total bust- it's really not. i stressed much less & o'ed at my 'normal' time. (at least i thinkk i did!) i have hope again, but not crazy-i swear i'm pregnant-here are all my symptoms- hope. and i do feel pretty okay about getting testing started. i still think that with my surgery last year & the first two cycles of trying being pathetic attempts due to their horrendous timing- i am still well within the normal time frame. who'd of thunk that a year later i would be okay with this taking longer than a year? it's surprising to see so clearly how you can change.
sorry it's such a crappy image- it's the best i can do on my crappy computer. anyway- i swear i'm not really obsessing- really! my O-date has been questioned by ff about 4 or 5 times & the only reason i even have solid crosshairs is that i took out day 17's negative opk. my immediate 'post-o' temps are low & flat. but... i want this to be the cycle so badly that i find myself running downstairs every morning to plug in my temp. hoping to see some magical sign pop up from ff that says "congrats- your temps say you did it!"
ah well- we all know that doesn't happen & even pretty charts don't mean bfp's. my wonky charts mean more fuel for my testing. and that's ok. i guess.
the good news today is that i have definitely noticed a difference in how i handle stress. an incedent happened on wednesday at work that had me right back to my anxious & stressed out state- for about an hour. then i forced myself to calm down & let go. and it was so much better. i ignored the attitude from my manager (or at least didn't let it bother me), and decided that while i had made a mistake, it's not the end of the world & everything worked out just fine. it's all about how you handle your problems & how you fix your f-ups, right? so even if this cycle is a total bust- it's really not. i stressed much less & o'ed at my 'normal' time. (at least i thinkk i did!) i have hope again, but not crazy-i swear i'm pregnant-here are all my symptoms- hope. and i do feel pretty okay about getting testing started. i still think that with my surgery last year & the first two cycles of trying being pathetic attempts due to their horrendous timing- i am still well within the normal time frame. who'd of thunk that a year later i would be okay with this taking longer than a year? it's surprising to see so clearly how you can change.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
the usual
i am just waiting around again. my chart is a little funky (again) this month- i never got anything even close to a positive opk, but i started late & only took 3. according to my usual signs & temps i would put myself at cd17. ff says maybe cd18. unless of course i keep the one really weird low temp from cd20- then that's the day. i discarded it because all other signs were off for that day & i was sick & really didn't sleep. so i am officially a chart tamperer. at least for that day. i feel pretty confident about cd17- heck even day 18's timing was decent.
so now i just wait again. i should test in a week, but if i go that long i might just wait until the 15th. that is our year anniversary of the first time we had sex to "try". it's a little weird that i remember that day, but maybe not so unusual. i am trying very hard not to give in to any supposed symptoms- and believe me there is nothing i haven't felt before. but wouldn't it be such a nice way to celebrate a year of trying- with two lines & no champagne...
oh well- until next week i'm just trying to stay occupied & not think too much about it. it's not too bad during the day, but myh dreams have been all about me being pregnant. i've had 3 dreams this week with an ever increasing belly. stupid mind playing mean tricks on me!
so now i just wait again. i should test in a week, but if i go that long i might just wait until the 15th. that is our year anniversary of the first time we had sex to "try". it's a little weird that i remember that day, but maybe not so unusual. i am trying very hard not to give in to any supposed symptoms- and believe me there is nothing i haven't felt before. but wouldn't it be such a nice way to celebrate a year of trying- with two lines & no champagne...
oh well- until next week i'm just trying to stay occupied & not think too much about it. it's not too bad during the day, but myh dreams have been all about me being pregnant. i've had 3 dreams this week with an ever increasing belly. stupid mind playing mean tricks on me!
Friday, November 2, 2007
technology sucks
my computer is still not working. luckily my roommate- he of the now neutered but still too feisty to let be out bulldog, has let me use his this evening.
my cycle is as confusing as last month. i have either ovulated on cd12 (if my temp jumps up about .6 degrees tomorrow) or cd 17 (based on cm & previous temps), or not at all (if my temp is wonky again tomorrow & low). I have completely given up & whatever will happen will happen. it would be great if it was cd17 because that would have been 'normal time (for me) & pretty decent timing for hubby & i. if it was cd12 i would be nervous about the freaky short wait to ovulate & if it hasn't happened yet i would be worried about another stress induced 'old egg'. even though stress was almost non-existent this month. i figure if i don't know by next week i'll just pretend i ovulated on cd17 & keep up the fun night time loving just in case.
my life has been very full & busy & happy lately- so i am actually okay with not being pregnant this month. as odd as it sounds, ttc is fading to the background for the moment. i don't know if it's because i love fall & halloween & i got to spend time with my sister & my job is going pretty great right now & my hubby is sweet & loving (mostly). maybe it's because life is full & busy & i just don't have time to worry about it right now.
maybe i'm just really good at deluding myself. i know i still want to be pregnant more than anything. i want those 2 perfect little lines & the full belly & the happy blissfull moment when you know your baby is moving in you & then when you look at their sweet face for the first time. so if the delusion that i am okay with not having that right now is stronger- it's probably because i have to be deluded. i have to be able to hope that we will create life. i also have to just let it go until i can get tested & know if there is even a reason. but until then i have to take these next few months as they come & just hope that all the tests & poking & prodding won't be needed. but in case they are i must as well get used to some patience because i think i'll need it.
my cycle is as confusing as last month. i have either ovulated on cd12 (if my temp jumps up about .6 degrees tomorrow) or cd 17 (based on cm & previous temps), or not at all (if my temp is wonky again tomorrow & low). I have completely given up & whatever will happen will happen. it would be great if it was cd17 because that would have been 'normal time (for me) & pretty decent timing for hubby & i. if it was cd12 i would be nervous about the freaky short wait to ovulate & if it hasn't happened yet i would be worried about another stress induced 'old egg'. even though stress was almost non-existent this month. i figure if i don't know by next week i'll just pretend i ovulated on cd17 & keep up the fun night time loving just in case.
my life has been very full & busy & happy lately- so i am actually okay with not being pregnant this month. as odd as it sounds, ttc is fading to the background for the moment. i don't know if it's because i love fall & halloween & i got to spend time with my sister & my job is going pretty great right now & my hubby is sweet & loving (mostly). maybe it's because life is full & busy & i just don't have time to worry about it right now.
maybe i'm just really good at deluding myself. i know i still want to be pregnant more than anything. i want those 2 perfect little lines & the full belly & the happy blissfull moment when you know your baby is moving in you & then when you look at their sweet face for the first time. so if the delusion that i am okay with not having that right now is stronger- it's probably because i have to be deluded. i have to be able to hope that we will create life. i also have to just let it go until i can get tested & know if there is even a reason. but until then i have to take these next few months as they come & just hope that all the tests & poking & prodding won't be needed. but in case they are i must as well get used to some patience because i think i'll need it.
Monday, October 15, 2007
now- for something completely different
i am going to try something new this cycle. i am going to force myself to think positive thoughts only & be calm in every aspect of my life. think it- be it kind of thing. i know how ridiculous i am going to sound & this is not to piss anyone off- but what if i am stressing myself out of a good ovulation- i mean, they have been coming later & later & i have been uber-stressed. it can't hurt- it just might help. it doesn't cost anything & reducing stress is always a good idea.
i was very upset on saturday, mildly upset yesterday. just thinking about fairness & patience & timing & heartbreak. but there is no fairness in trying to conceive your child. there is no way to lessen the wait, or decide when it is time, the only one i can have any control over is my own feelings & emotions. being a hypersensitive person with emotions that flip on like turning on a light- this will be a challenge. i can wallow in my own self-pity for days. but i won't. i will turn it off. maybe i'll even try to pretend i can forget i'm ttc. because something's gotta change & until i can get my horrible insurance to cover some testing- the only factor i can control is me.
i was very upset on saturday, mildly upset yesterday. just thinking about fairness & patience & timing & heartbreak. but there is no fairness in trying to conceive your child. there is no way to lessen the wait, or decide when it is time, the only one i can have any control over is my own feelings & emotions. being a hypersensitive person with emotions that flip on like turning on a light- this will be a challenge. i can wallow in my own self-pity for days. but i won't. i will turn it off. maybe i'll even try to pretend i can forget i'm ttc. because something's gotta change & until i can get my horrible insurance to cover some testing- the only factor i can control is me.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
god has a sense of irony
c12. cd1. started in a church waiting for my friend's daughters baptism to begin.
thanks. message received.
other than that- great day.
thanks. message received.
other than that- great day.
well. now i just wait
today's temp was up a little, but i also slept in about an hour. the cramps, sore boobs, nipple tenderness are all still here- so much for the BFN making symptoms disappear. also, my internal signs (so to speak) are not showing that AF is coming soon, but she is a sneaky bitch. we have a baptism to go to today- so i will be bringing some back up & not be wearing white...
last night friends came over & watched Rm. 1408. If anyone hasn't seen it- it was interesting. i love love love john c.usak, but there was an additional plot twist that had me in tears. which was odd since it's a horror-thriller. it was about john's character's sick daughter- kind of heart wrenching & completely caught me off guard. then there's a horror twist that was so unexpected. overall the movie was okay, it had some cheesy horror stuff in it & not enough of the black thriller that i like. but not too bad for a saturday night with friends.
but the hanging out with friends part of the evening was fantastic! it was like a little time warp back to college (kind of). let's just say that the men made s.pam pizzas. they looked as disgusting as it sounds, but they ate them up. us girls had grown up grape juice (concord wine literally tastes like grape juice!) and regular pizzas. very relaxing.
* i just want to apologize to my friend M- yesterday you were trying to help me think positively & i was caught up in my bfn induced funk. i just want you to know that i appreciate every kind word & i am sorry i have been a bit of a shitty friend lately. i've been way focused on this cycle & my dread of hitting a year & i haven't been as good a friend as you have been to me. and knowing that you check out my blog & honestly truly care about all this stuff means the world to me. but in an effort to be a better friend- i will post it here instead of yet again steering all our conversations to my world. oh- and it will be a wonderful birthday. as long as we get cake! ;o)
you inspire me to be a better, less selfish person. thank you for your sympathetic ear & putting up with all my drama. i am working on making it less dramatic!
last night friends came over & watched Rm. 1408. If anyone hasn't seen it- it was interesting. i love love love john c.usak, but there was an additional plot twist that had me in tears. which was odd since it's a horror-thriller. it was about john's character's sick daughter- kind of heart wrenching & completely caught me off guard. then there's a horror twist that was so unexpected. overall the movie was okay, it had some cheesy horror stuff in it & not enough of the black thriller that i like. but not too bad for a saturday night with friends.
but the hanging out with friends part of the evening was fantastic! it was like a little time warp back to college (kind of). let's just say that the men made s.pam pizzas. they looked as disgusting as it sounds, but they ate them up. us girls had grown up grape juice (concord wine literally tastes like grape juice!) and regular pizzas. very relaxing.
* i just want to apologize to my friend M- yesterday you were trying to help me think positively & i was caught up in my bfn induced funk. i just want you to know that i appreciate every kind word & i am sorry i have been a bit of a shitty friend lately. i've been way focused on this cycle & my dread of hitting a year & i haven't been as good a friend as you have been to me. and knowing that you check out my blog & honestly truly care about all this stuff means the world to me. but in an effort to be a better friend- i will post it here instead of yet again steering all our conversations to my world. oh- and it will be a wonderful birthday. as long as we get cake! ;o)
you inspire me to be a better, less selfish person. thank you for your sympathetic ear & putting up with all my drama. i am working on making it less dramatic!
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