happy anniversary to me- in a way

yesterday morning we got up super early & ran our necessary last errands before heading over to this very small dealership we found through a popular auction site. well- when we went & looked at the car i immediately loved it! the only (ahem, cough, cough) small little problem with it seemed to be that it made this horrible screeching knocking engine noise & most likely needs a new engine! lucky for me i married the world's greatest genius mechanic & he said it's no problem. we ended up talking the guy don't a bit because we pretty much knew we'd have to put over a grand into the car to get it up to snuff, but once we do it will be worth nearly $5000- trust me, we can't afford that off the bat & a fixer upper is the way to go!
so yet again we have taken on another project. our lack of flexible funds usually leaves us doing a lot ourselves. i'm really okay with that, it's almost more rewarding to think that the very safe & reliable family car that i wanted was in way made that way by the hub. although it would be decadent to just go get something new that we don't have to fix, i think the flaws & fixer-upper aspects of our lives adds a ton of character.
so i know you must be dying to see what could be such a great deal with a blown engine- trust me- the worst part is the engine!:


there are so many little compartments & storage spots & really cool features! the interior is in pretty good shape, just needs a very thorough cleaning, and these cars last forever! the hub had a different model that was at 200,000 miles when it was totalled. it still ran.

i am hoping that this is the start of some good luck for us. we really need it. having my own car & not having to borrow one from a relative makes me feel much more stable. i hate being beholden to someone else- even if that person is my wonderfully generous sister. as the hub starts to get on his feet a little & we are evening out- all our bills are paid & we could actually afford to go out to dinner this weekend!- i am starting to feel like we are getting back to normal. it's still really hard. the hub's job is not as steady work as he would like, he's not bringing home a consistent paycheck every week & that stresses him (& therefor me) out. he's trying to figure out what job he wants to do & this is more a flexible meantime option, but it's hard. he's so impatient & after not making anything in a year he wants it all- right now. while i admire that he's driven, i hate hat he feels like he's failing when he doesn't bring home 6 figures overnight. it's like he gets stuck thinking he can't do something- so he won't even try. which is frustrating. to see this mixture of drive & ambition & self-loathing & defeatism in the man you love is a very hard end to a very hard year. not much i say can help him either. it's something he needs to work out himself. i know he will & i know we'll be okay (okay- i hope he will & we will be okay!) but it's another strain on a relationship that has been through a lot in a year & a half.

one reason i know we will be okay & get through this together is that we really are a great team. despite a few snafus- getting this car was a bit of a project that we worked together on really well. another reason is his new found dedication to trying to have a family. he wants to know what the temperature means now after months of hearing that little beep beep. he does subscribe to the 'listen to the old wives tale advice from the one person he knows who was IF' method of trying as well, so now i am forced to stay immobile. this is one piece of assvice i could do without. i know that 20 minutes of cuddling & not jumping up is reasonable- fine. but i have a very gung-ho hub who demanded i not move for an entire night this cycle. and let me tell you- my cart is a little crazy- no sunshine & rainbows or letting miss hope move in yet- but if this is the month i will NEVER hear the end of it! speaking of charts- here's mine so you can see the crazy.

this post has gotten so out of control i bet you're wondering what the hell i'm talking about by naming it happy anniversary! two years ago today was the day that i went into work feeling just a little nauseous & not so hot. by 10 am i was doubled over in pain & went home- screaming & cursing as waves of the most horrible stabbing pain washed over me. by the time i got home & had to walk the dogs- fun- all i could do was curl up on the couch under thick blankets (it was a freak 70 degree day) and whimper & cry. finally gave in & called the hub who raced home & raced me to the hospital. not to get too into detail, but i was throwing up bile in front of the admissions staff- so i got in quickly. they thought it was kidney stones. i thought it was my appendix. after being admitted & given some sweet sweet painkillers an MRI (cat scan- honestly can't remember which thanks to said painkillers) showed that my right kidney was literally 2-3 times the size of my left like an inflated balloon. nothing was draining & i had such a massive kidney infection it's amazing i wasn't completely septic. they pushed two bags of antibiotics, but by the next morning the were rushing me into surgery to insert a stent- basically a piece of plastic that slides up into the kidney/bladder connection to open that puppy up & allow it to drain. gross. so- long story short- today started my diagnosis of a congenital kidney defect that went unknown for 26 years & ended up sending me into emergency 'surgery'. (i wasn't cut open at that time)
today also marks the first time that i remember having the very powerful- i want a baby thought. it was certainly the first time that the hub & i talked seriously about it. we had always said - slightly casually since it was always years in the future- that we would adopt our children. it was nice to know we both thought this way about adoption. but after the exploding kidney incident i just knew that i couldn't live out my life without experiencing pregnancy. i want to have a child that looks like me, that looks like the hub. i want to know what that is like & i want to breastfeed. i want to see myself getting bigger & i want to let the hub feel the baby kicking. that day these thoughts, wants, & emotions hit me like a freight train. i didn't want to die without knowing what that was like. after this day two years ago i had to wait to get better. i had to wait to get the kidney taken out & recover. i had to wait until my body was ready to start trying. we probably rushed the trying part just a little- only 2 months after surgery, but i couldn't wait any more. and now that i am coming up on month 16 of trying, my heart is really at month 24 of wanting.

so happy anniversary to the little kidney that was. you woke my biological clock & set it on atomic. thank you for that. thank you for not exploding. thank you for allowing me to recovery fairly quickly. thank you for letting me see how wonderful the hub can be & how calm he is in an emergency. thank you for letting me stay & letting me at least get to try to get pregnant. if you are up in lost kidney heaven- could you please communicate with my ovaries & ute just how great it would be if they would cooperate & let the hub's swimmers in. i only need one- just one little egg that wants to stick around. i promise to treat it right & give it a very comfortable home. if you could do that for me i would appreciate it. and i'll let that little incident where you became my "11" on the pain scale go.