nothing much is going on right now. we got all our test results back as perfectly normal. ooh- reminds me to call about my fsh- don't remember getting that yet- will do tomorrow! so now we just wait. opk's are negative, but temps are right on track for some o-time soon. who knows what's going on with all that so we're still trying on our own & trying to figure out what to do next. probably the clomid challenge test with IUI in a few months. we have to save up & get a 2nd car first...
the hub's been doing really well with the new job. we also sold an old drafting table. i loved the table very much- it was the hub's gift to me when we got back together in college. he refinished it himself & it was beautiful. but i haven't used it in 5 years. we got a really good chuck of change for it- enough to catch up all our bills & get us square from the little hole we found ourselves in from the shop. not enough to get a car too, but we still have our tax return & hopefully that refund... then i hopefully get my profit sharing check & we can use that for cycles. it may put us out to may or june, which totally sucks, but at least we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant. of course- we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant- which also sucks.
another thing that happened is the hub told me about a girl at his job who is pregnant after ivf. they tried for 3 years & he had a long talk with her today. they talked mainly about her i think, but i was surprised (okay- shocked beyond belief!) that my hub would openly talk with a relative stranger, someone he's only known for a month, about our problems trying to conceive. he said it was actually good to talk with her & i guess they talked about me a lot- my reactions to certain things & the fact that i have my 'online girls' to talk to about this stuff. i am grateful that this woman was able to reassure my hub that i am not crazy, obsessed, or strange for any of the things i do in this quest to be a mommy. she did them all too. (why he had to hear it from her & couldn't just believe me is beyond me- but i'm still thankful he was able to hear that someone else feels exactly like his wife does) i am proud of him for doing what i can only really dream of- talk openly about what's going on & how he is dealing with it. get advice (some assvice was given too!) and compare RE's. to someones face. i wish (& dread) for that same experience.
i find myself in this really odd place lately. i am very tired & easily distracted. i'm happy, but restless. it seems like the longer we try, the less real or possible the end goal starts to seem. i can't visualize myself as pregnant, or holding our child as easily as i could when we first started. at the same time- i am having dreams about giving birth to our child, putting her down in her crib, carrying her around with me while picking up groceries. these dreams are vivid & very real & i always have a small daughter, less than a month old, with dark almost black eyes & thick straight dark hair. and i always wake up right after having one of these dreams, ensuring that i remember it all day. they make me sad & hopeful all rolled into one.
oh- to end this post on a completely self-centered & random note- i cut my hair on sunday- i gave myself bangs which i haven't had in a really long time. i'm trying to grow my hair & not dye it- so there weren't that many options for changing it. thankfully they seem to be a big hit- i have gotten compliments from just about everyone i work with & know. and that really helps make a girl feel better after a week of coochie prodding & an 'unexplained' diagnosis combined with 2 infants, 3 toddlers, & a 4 year old in the office. i love those kids, but it gets hard to stop thinking 'why not me?'
3 comments:
Well I'm glad the test results were all normal but also sad that you haven't gotten any answers. At least you have a plan, right? And when you're a crazy type A like me, that is always a good thing.
Oh, I SO feel you on the dream thing. It seems so vivid sometimes that it can ruin your day when you wake up and realize that it's not real.
And I'm really glad that everything is normal for now. I'm sure that being "undiagnosed" is frustrating, but at least for now, you can keep trying, knowing that it's not completely pointless. I mean, it's not like they did an ultrasound and said, "Oh! There's the problem! You have no uterus and no ovaries and your husband has no sperm!", which, I mean, you would have noticed before then, what with AF and all, but still, what I mean is that if everything is normal, then that means that for now, you are not without remedy, you know? Basically, the insurmountable obstacles are the no-eggs-no-sperm-no-uterus variety, and you know that those are not the issue right now.
And how cool that your husband was able to discuss infertility with his co-worker. That is really brave of him, and awesome for you that he is coming to terms with it well enough to discuss it. Very cool.
Uf - I have those dreams too. They make my body physically ache for wanting.
It must be frustrating to have no answers - it sucks to get a crappy diagnosis like we did, but at least we know, right? If only we could all get diagnosed with some easy to fix aha thing.
Random question from a comment you left on Kate's blog - how does one go about dumpster diving at Pottery Barn and the like? Do you ask first? I am nothing if not cheap.
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