today marks 20 weeks. wow. words i didn't expect to type. halfway to meeting my child. halfway to what has been the focus of much of my existence for 2 years now.
ironically enough, this week marks the time 2 years ago when the hub looked at me one night as we were getting busy (aren't i romantic!) and let me know he was also ready to start trying. 2 years ago we were so young & stupid. so full of hope. so scared out of our minds because we just knew that a kid was right around the corner- if not this month then definitely next month.
thanksgiving has become a strange time for us with ttc. that first one we only talked baby on the long 6 hour drive to the in-laws. we picked out names. we decided on our boys name, which we still love all this time later. we talked about how we wanted to parent, who the baby would look like. all the wonderful dreamy fantasy of having a child.
the next thanksgiving was bitter. we were in a year, but it had been a very hard year. the hub's shop was struggling. we were struggling. ttc was wearing us out, but i still had some hope. we hadn't been tested yet even. that hope was tempered with a hell of a lot of fear though. life was hard. our marriage was getting stressed & all i could see was having to pay for treatment after treatment & hoping we could scrape by. or having to put the whole thing off until we stabilized again.
this thanksgiving i am coming to the table blessed & grateful & humble. i am a mom. after being told we were perfectly fine. trying for more months, then putting all we had to give into one hail mary cycle, my angel came to me. i don't know why, i don't know why we are so lucky when there are so many who are just as deserving. wanting. needing. but i am thankful every day. every time i feel a flutter. every time my head was in the toilet. every time i got to look at that screen or hear that heartbeat i say thank you. my heart is full. my hub & i were strong enough to make it through some seriously shitty times to get here, in our financial, emotional & marital lives. i have lost a good friend only to finally get her back after some painful growth that i needed. i have gained amazingly wonderfully fantastic new friends in the process. i have a rock i can lean on. i have learned strength i never thought i had & gained empathy & wisdom i honestly never knew existed. i have a love so fierce i would die to protect it. and i haven't even met her yet. i always loved thanksgiving, but this one- this one is special in ways i can hardly imagine, much less describe.
now i divert from my lovefest with a confession. i am terrified. no one could have foreseen the crappy economy. but for those of us just struggling to get out from under a year & a half's worth of hard personal economic times, this economy is disastrous. we are lucky in that we didn't buy too much house or overextend ourselves with loans & mortgages. but we have some debt. debt i was in line to pay off, even if it was going a little slowly. now the hub is struggling to get into a career. the shop is done, but he still wants to have a job in the field he loves. he is really good at it too, but he isn't certified. he didn't go to any school. everything he has has been through hard work. unfortunately that doesn't always cut it on a resume. and now he has an opportunity to at least get into something. and we are in a position where he needs to get it. and stay there for a while. but then make a lot more so we can have a hope of affording day care. i can not get anything else out of my job for the moment. there is no raise for me this year. there may not be one next year. i have had to stop my retirement contributions temporarily to give myself a much needed raise, which is now diverted from it's original purpose of paying off debt to pretty much back to supporting us on my salary which is damn near impossible. and then there's insurance. we are already budgeted to within an inch of our sanity. we need the hub to get this job & do well & get a raise. and i know how life goes so i am terrified that it won't. and what started out as a hopeful & wonderful journey is becoming a worry filled stress filled gestation. i am halfway done. i only have 20 weeks to get this all together. what was once plenty of money for us & then some quickly became how do we afford this now? (not to mention the strain that financial stress puts on one's relationship. especially when the hub portion of said relationship reacts to stress by completely shutting down in all areas sexual... fun for me! i can't even remember sex. my latest confession- 11 weeks. at least. it's okay to cry- i do)
i wish i had a boat, or fancy car, or extravagant house, or even a fucking wonderful spa holiday vacation to blame this on. but i don't. we made some mistakes and took some risks with the hub's shop. it failed. he has had a very hard time picking his life back up since, but always managed to at least have a decent job, to pay the bills & we could afford a night out together now & then. we were almost back to actually saving money again. and then the economy tanked & his temporary job became one of those superfluous luxuries that companies just don't need these days. and now here we are. terrified. statistics. paycheck to paycheck middle class like so much of the country. not rich enough to get out of this mess. not poor enough to qualify for any sort of assistance (which is a whole 'nother topic i am purposefully leaving out of this one).
how can i be a good mom if i can't afford to formula feed (if i have to), put her in daycare (because i have to), or even take some more time off to spend her first few months with her or have her dad be the SAHD he's been thinking he might want to be (there's no chance of this now). i will not be able to afford to get her stroller unless someone else gets it for me. and that makes me feel like i have failed. failed in the one thing i have wanted to do for so very long. life changes so quickly- in the blink of an eye we had our dreams fulfilled. in the blink of an eye the rug is pulled out from under us.
and yet. i wouldn't turn back the clock. my past experiences have taught me, well- they've taught me. i become a different person every time some hardship falls my way. i know that the important things in life aren't going anywhere. i know that no matter what the hub & i are a great & devoted team. we can do amazing things together. and no matter how hard things seem, we get through them. usually even better than i would have imagined when they are new & terrifying. and we will figure it all out. crai.gslist is there for a reason & believe me, i'm cheap to begin with! (as some may already know) i also have a bit of the hippy in me- i'm a 'green' designer after all. i would rather reuse something, or repurpose something, than buy it new anyway. except for shoes & underwear- they must be new!
despite everything, i wouldn't change a thing. i had (& still have) it easy.i have the hub & the spring roll. i still have a job that i actually enjoy pretty much every day. a roof over our heads & we can still pay our bills, even if some are getting squeaked in. i have a car that i can afford to put gas in & no car payment to worry about. my family & friends love me & i am grateful for each & every one of these things. but if you don't mind, will you say a little prayer, or think a few good thoughts for the hub & his possible new job? we could always use some good karma.
3 comments:
Wow. That post is a roller coaster. I know what you mean. We have allowed the "thankfulness" to wash away the worry. I am a planner by nature, but with this, we have decided we will just stamp out fires as we go. Figure it out as it hits us, especially the money stuff.
Craigslist is great.. But don't forget about a baby shower? I wasn't able to have one (didn't really want one) but we did do a registry on amazon and it has been wonderful. We were able to get the things we really need through the generosity of our friends and family. That is what they are for!
Be sure to check in with your insurance too. Many of them offer coupons and rebates for some stuff like formula, breat pumps and the like.
Hand me downs are great too.Between my sister and a friend at work, we have this kid clothed for at least a year.
I know it is hard when you are in the thick of it. But everything will work itself out. And even better, you'll have abeautiful little spring roll!!
20 weeks!
I can't believe it!
I know it's hard, but when you think about it ALL, it will drive you insane. Just do what you can today and tomorrow will come. Things will work out somehow - it's definitely something I've learned on this rollercoaster ride we all call life. You don't have to have it all when she's born. You have to have you. him. her. That's about it. Everything will fall into place, it will.
You'll find daycare you can afford. It may not be the 'montessori' you may dream of today. You'll make concessions but you'll still be comfortable. I had always wanted the dream daycare center like the one I use today, but when I had my first baby, I coudln't affor it. No way. Instead, I opted for an in-home daycare I could afford. You better believe it was the best I could find and I was completely happy with it. Of course I wanted more, but it was the best I could do. By the time I had my second, I could afford more, but still not the dream center. I settled on a few things, but yet again, I wasn't settling on her care. I still was happy with it. And 6 months later it happened, I fell into the dream center. Ella didn't get to have this dream center experience until she was was just over 2 years old. She had to endure in-home care and the center I could afford. Allie didn't have to ever be in the in-home care, but she did have to endure the center I could afford for 9 months. This baby will be born into the 'dream' center and it'll be all he'll know from 12 weeks old. Does Ella hold it against me? Does Allison? Of course not. To them, I'm the best mom they'll ever have.
My point is, you'll do what you can and to your daughter, it'll be the absolute best. She'll know nothing different. All you have to do is remember to NOT size yourself up with everyone or anyone else. Spring roll won't care you have credit card debt you'll have to pay off longer than expected. Just keep moving forward. Do what you need to do today to have still have tomorrow. If that means some months of minimum payments, then so be it.
I am ~so~ NOT in the position to have a 3rd child right now. The money that would get out us out of debt within the next year is going to be going straight to daycare. But fuck it. It'll happen. The future is ours.
Oh lady, I understand. This economy, coupled with our own failures, has wreaked havoc on us. And I totally feel you on the sex life bit. I cry too.
I feel like an ass I haven't sent the package I said I was going to - I swear I will. Luckily, you won't need anything in it for a few months!
Let me know if there is anything specific you are looking for that is easy to mail.
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