400

i have been thinking a lot about what to write for my 400th post. it seems insane that i would have had that much to say that i even hit 400 posts. i realize the majority of my posts lately are of a quick pumpkin update variety & not really thought provoking in the slightest. then again- i have never really been a 'thought-provoking' type of blog. but a lot is going on in this mixed up little head of mine right now. (and yes- i apparently have a smallish head. at least according to my sis & the hub- who in my opinion have freakishly large heads without looking like they have big heads at all, so their opinion doesn't hold much weight for me!)

anyway- i honestly can not imagine having a job right now. this is what has been screaming around my head lately. i am enjoying being home with the pumpkin very much. i love so many things about being home with her:

-being able to make her baby food for her to try & to know her schedule & see her developing daily.

-being able to nurse (almost) exclusively & not worry about bottles at all.

-that the more i get to know her & what she needs & wants- the better a baby she seems to be.

-the freedom from deadlines & not having to deal with traffic.

-being able to take a walk on a gorgeous day & clean my house & still have energy to go out.

-that the hub & i are here to enjoy & shape our daughter's days.

-not having to worry about finding child care & then worrying about the quality of said care as more & more horrendous stories have been on my local news on disgusting excuses for human beings that were entrusted with children's lives.

- sleeping "in" until 7 or 8 am.

-having the option to take a nap when pumpkin does, even if i almost never actually do it.

-getting a chance to explore my city more during the day when things are cheaper & less crowded.

-being able to shout out the back window that i need help from the hub & he can take a break & do it. without this i have no idea when i'd actually shower some days...



there are, however, many things about not working that i absolutely hate. such as:

-the financial strain & worry. while we aren't getting anything shut off or deciding between mortgage & food or anything- there are still many many things we just can't afford & many tough decisions i have to make. i hate that i have to budget a meal out- and i mean at a diner or a fast food place- no restaurants for us right now. a lot of my stress (well- most of it really) comes from money concerns & i hate that. i want to be able to get a babysitter & go out for a dinner & a movie with the hub. i want to be able to buy the completely frivolous vans i saw for the pumpkin despite the fact she doesn't need (or fit into!) shoes. i want a massage dammit! but more than that- i need to get my savings back & that needs to be 6 months worth. without 2 jobs & some cheap childcare i just don't know how we'll do it right now.

-not flexing my 'creative muscles'. i miss the feeling of doing my job. i really loved it. especially when i figured something out or put together a concept that went over well- that feeling is amazing & i miss it.

-not being at my job. i miss the people. i miss the environment. as much as i hate how i was laid off- i can understand it. i don't agree with it & i wish it had been done differently- but i can understand. and hearing what i do about the firm & the people still there i do believe that they do want to be able to hire me back- i just don't know when. i doubt they do either. but i do miss them.

-the uncertainty. the not knowing if i will go back period, much less having a timeline for it. there's a big ticking clock that is my unemployment & while i do continuously look for other jobs- the finding them is proving near impossible. i saw one on monday & before i could even get together my resume & some portfolio stuff (which i really do need to update again!) it was gone. that was wednesday! the pool of out of work designers in this city is huge & the number of jobs posted is pitifully small. in the past 3-ish months i have only even seen that 1 this week. i would feel better if the hub could finally find a job- but he needs to spend some moo-lah to get one as there's still a few things he was working towards getting when he was laid off that we just can't afford to get him now (certifications, licenses & such). without these his prospects are also slim to none for a decent job in his field. we are operating basically without any safety net here & it scares the everliving crap out of me.

-being on 24/7. i am always 'mommy'. the times when i am 'jenn' are few & far between. being on call all day every day is draining. as much as i love her- there are times when i just need a break to be me. usually i am able to just let her have some daddy time & walk away for a minute, but i am finding it tough. i haven't gone out without her. i haven't just hung out with friends sans bebe. i miss that. as much as i enjoy & cherish that i can spend my days with this precious babe, i need some time to unwind & just be myself. i get it a little on the days i volunteer for my acupuncturist, but it would be nice to go out just for me.


the more i have time to reflect, the more i am aware how motherhood & recent events have changed me. i feel both more secure in who i am and more unstable in the world around me. i am confident that we can weather the rocky times, but fearful of what else is brewing. i am more in love with the hub, yet find myself wondering if we ever really will be intimate again. (short story- pushing from -1 station really sucks for your future love life). i love being a sahm, but i wonder if that's only because i know it's a temporary situation. would i be as thrilled if this was my entire future? would i miss the me that includes working & creating? or would i eventually find another way to satisfy that side? there were so many decisions swirling around in my mind earlier due to possible developments at more (former) job. since i am so very type a with the planning of things i was obsessing over all possible outcomes & decisions to be made. and i freaked out. i don't feel ready to make these decisions & it appears that the life around me is making it for me. all decisions are pretty moot at this point as i couldn't work (in my field) if i wanted to. and i do want to- i think... just not this second. maybe. obviously once the decision needs to be made it will prove a tough one for me!

*updated- i just wanted to add that nancy's comment had a really good point- the things i am loving about being a sahm (even if it is only temporarily) are still very possible to have as a working mom. i am just working through what had me freaking out at the mere thought of a possibility of going back to work. and while some things -napping & not worrying about pumping- would go away, i would certainly work with what i have to make sure we all get exactly what we need. it's just that the more time goes on, the more i am questioning what that is for me... no decisions being made, just a couple questions being asked.
i also just wanted to make sure i was very clear that this is in no way a debate on being a sahm vs working, i am really just trying to work out my own thoughts in my particular situation. everyone has to do what's best for them & i definitely don't mean to offend either side by being pro-anything! (not that i think i offended, just wanted to make it super clear, especially in light of certain recent posts i have seen about clarity in blog writing)

4 months

pumpkin turns 4 months old today. she had her appointment this afternoon & after a nice long nap & some food, followed by a little nap & some hysterical end of the world tears, she is now lying next to me babbling if not happily then at least contentedly with both fists shoved in her mouth. her stats- (pretty much for my own record keeping) 17lb 10oz (almost 3 lb gain); 24.5" (only .5" gain) 16.5" head. this puts her at above 95th %tile for weight, between 25-50th for length & between 50th & 75th for head circumference. pretty much where i thought she'd be.

she's hit all her milestones on or ahead of time & we were told that her new trick of constantly sticking her tongue out, eyeballing us while we eat & leaning not so subtly in for my plate is all her way of saying 'i'm ready for solids'. so off to b-r-us we went for supplies that i thought maybe i'd be needing soon, but kept putting off. let me just say that there are too many fucking choices for this stuff! i went with the most basic i could- 3 ingredient cereal that i know what those 3 ingredients are. we are going to try some tomorrow to see how it's received. i know that i don't have to give her anything at all for the first 6 months & if she doesn't seem into it- no harm no foul, we'll try again later. but i have a feeling she is going to eat it up- pun intended.
i can't say that i'm not finding this moment/milestone a little bittersweet. she's growing so quickly that my little infant has vanished before my eyes. i love seeing her grow & experience more of the world & i love seeing her personality develop & learning day by day the little girl she's going to become, but all this independence means that my helpless little baby, my constant dependent is going away. it's the first step in breaking away from mommie. i don't know how to feel about that. sure- she can roll around on her own & go from back to front (which she does nightly & anytime she sleeps now) but she still needs me to move for her, to get her from here to there or bring toy to her. after tomorrow she may start down the (hopefully long) road of food independence from me. and that thought- the thought that someday she will no longer want to nurse, makes me very sad.
of course- i am pretty much letting her call the shots on these things- she can nurse as long as we are able & she wants to. if she wants to replace a feeding with cereal- that's fine too. I am excited to see herface as she tries new tastes out & see if she likes them or not. i also don't want her to end up like i was- a very very picky eater. so to that end i will patiently let her try anything & everything when she is ready to, but i will also keep offering foods she might not like the first time.
ah- it is time for the last nurse of the night & then bed- she is pretty wiped from her afternoon so i hope she sleeps well tonight.

derailed

our beautiful sleeping schedule was completely derailed. we had a night of general crank- nothing too bad, she slept from 9-3, but woke herself up on her belly. then we had the trip from hell of 10 hours of driving/waiting & she slept from 10-4. again- this is not too bad & i'm not complaining. i was just starting to get used to 8-9 hours straight though, being completely spoiled by 4 nights in a row.
then there was last night. i do believe that pumpkin is teething. one hard little white bump on her lower right side- about where a canine would be... she is slightly crankier, but nothing too noticeable. she is, however, chomping on her hand/toys/burp cloth/shirt/bib - whatever she can reach & fit in there like mad. i have given her a frozen teething toy which she is really digging on. of course- she isn't even 4 months old- so her coordination for keeping said toy properly in her mouth isn't quite there- leaving me typing one handed. at night she has both fists crammed in her mouth & flips herself over. the joyful part is that she seems to have forgotten how to flip back at 12:30 am, or 4 am, or whenever... so she wakes up crying & no amount of re-flipping can convince her to stay on her back or side since those little fists inevitably end up back in the mouth & she flips over yet again.
i guess tonight if it still seems to bother her i will try a dose of tyl.eno.l to see if that helps her sleep more comfortably. i just can't believe my little babers is getting a tooth!

all's quiet on the crib front

it is 9:20 pm & she has been quiet for a good 10-12 minutes in her crib. we fed every 2 to 2-1/2 hours today in case she is having a growth spurt. i read her brown bear & goodnight moon & put her in her crib with a kiss & a goodnight caiden.
she cranked & chattered for about 5 minutes. only one cry so far.

my main dilemma at this point is do i just let her be & see how long she sleeps, or do i wake her up when i go to bed to eat one last time... decisions decisions!

i think i will let her go- this is all one big experiment after all. if she wakes up between 11 & 12- no big deal since that's probably around when i would want to feed her the last time (well- closer to 11, i'm exhausted!)

please, please let her sleep until 3 or 4am!

oh shit. i have actual cries coming in over the monitor. i am giving her 5 minutes before i go up. i think they might just be cranks instead of 'real' cries. this could prove to be another very long night!

burnt

pumpkin has been waking up a lot during the night to eat this week. i don't really know why. it may be a growth spurt a little late (or early- depending on how you look at it). it may be the 4 month weirdness that i've been seeing a lot of internet posts about. or it may be that she's just a loud baby & being so close to us at night has it's downfalls & this is one of them. a zombie mommy & daddy are just no good to anyone!



to that end we are trying a multi-pronged approach. i am feeding her more often during the day today. we are going to attempt the first night's sleep in her crib. she is getting enough naps during the day, but not so late that it interferes with bedtime. at the very least it can't be any worse unless she actually is getting sick! (i really don't think she is!)



i doubt she is teething- there's no little pearls or hard spots on her gums. overall- she is fairly happy today- surprisingly so for such interrupted sleep! (up at 1am, 3:20, 5:30, & 7!) she came thisclose to rolling over from back to front today. i think she'll do it this week or next week at the latest!

**updated to add: i think that there is something off about this week's sleep in that she really did have a nice little routine going before this. she would go to bed after eating around 10-ish, then sleep until 3 or 4am. then we would start up an every 3hr (or so) schedule until 10-ish that night. every 3rd night- roughly- she would wake up 2x a night instead of 1 (well- i should say 3x instead of 2 because after the 6/7 am feeding we'd go back to sleep until she really got up around 8 or 9) this all led me to believe she was slowly weaning herself from that middle of the night feeding- which was fine. then this week has been off completely. the last 'good' night was the fourth. seems a little long for a growth spurt. that is what makes me think that a change of scenery might do her some good. give her a chance to sleep on her own without the easy b00b access & constant waking that being so close to mommy can bring. but i am extremely laid back in my parenting style & forcing her to be on a schedule just stresses all of us out. she's been doing fantastically at finding her own schedule so far & i am sure we'll all work this one out too. even if it does make us a little sleep deprived- now at least is the time to be zombies with no daily grind to get through!**

here she is during our floor time- combo back & tummy...






talking to mommy

telling me she is so over it!

happy that mommy is holding her & she is done with that hard floor!

father's day

wow... one year ago (almost to the day) pumpkin was literally a dream. cycle #20 & our first (thankfully only) iui was about to start. the hub & i were nervous- okay- terrified- for the cycle to work. and overjoyed & amazed when it did. despite the layoff & the worry we have about financials now (more on that below) we are so happy & overjoyed with what the past year has brought us. our perfect little miracle. the hub's little clone. the love of our lives on this first father's day...

i am feeling much more relaxed about the unemployment. the hub qualifies for a grant for schooling- which will cover the classes needed to get his inspection licenses & then some. so he can then get much better paying, more stable job- most likely making enough to support us. i am not giving up hope for my career- still looking & updating resume, etc. but i do think that it will be a good long while & i am hopeful (though not counting on) getting my job back. thanks to a wonderfully generous gift from my sister & brother in law that we can think of as a loan, gift, or bribe to get us down to visit- we are able to live without jobs for at least another 2 months so the hub can go to school. i can't lie- i am really enjoying being home with her. i don't know if i would be truly happy being a sahm forever, but i think i could do with the first 6 months. it really does make bfing much easier & i would love to be able to continue to bf for the first year.

well- she is cranking for a diaper change- time to go!

whew

the mil is gone home. the hub brought her back today so it's just me & pumpkin (new nickname since she is way too chub for peanut these days!) until maybe tomorrow afternoon. which is fine with me.

i am trying to start some sort of routine to our days. i am slowly stretching her feedings out, since she's most likely 80-90th %tile or weight i have no qualms about getting her to 3-4 hours between feedings as opposed to 2-3. she's gotten herself there for nighttime feedings, mostly. we get up out of bed around 9-10, which i am also slowly working on as i will be leaving for work around 8 soon. then it's some awake time talking in the bouncy chair followed by a morning nap (hopefully!- it's now 3 & no naps more than 20 minutes long today!) then a bottle & some more awake time & afternoon nap. bottle only took 50 minutes to finish today... we're getting there slowly. this week is one bottle midday. next week i'll add the afternoon bottle & then the last week before i leave will be morning bottle. wish us luck!

she's found her hands & will very noisily suck the life out of them when she manages to get them to her mouth. it's adorable, but difficult to get a video of as it only lasts 30 seconds before she forgets that the hands actually belong to her! this leads to frustration & a search for the paci. once she's asleep she pops the paci out herself, but she really likes it for naps. not so much at bedtime. we're still kind of working out her routines & cues.

the hardest part of being on my own with her these two days is pumping. she takes so long with the bottle that it's an hour after i feed her by the time i get to pump. it's just too hard to pump while trying to coerce her to eat from a bottle. usually the hub will feed her while i pump which is much better. i've also been feeding her from one side only at a meal since she has gotten my supply in to the point where she's full from the first side. she rarely gets to side 2 & when she does she spits up milk after finishing after 4-5 minutes since she's really overeating at that point! so i've only been pumping the one side and maybe an ounce at most from side 2 just to keep it more comfy, not enough to encourage more supply since she's not eating from both sides every time anymore. i doubt i have any supply problems since i have been averaging 3-4.5 ounces from the first side. she's only taking 2.5 oz bottles and the last ounce is a struggle. i have a pretty good frozen stockpile so we are switching to refrigerating for the next few days bottles. even so i am freezing extra that won't get drunk within 3 days.

i just hope that pumping an hour or more after she eats won't mess up volume for the next feeding- since she'll go 3 hours, but for my boobs its only 2!

now that all family visits are over i am hoping we get into a nice little routine. we almost had one going last month, but then with guests everything gets disrupted!

here's the little chunker rocking out in her bouncer today. note how she is trying to get both fists in her mouth with the paci already there... you may need some imagination, but i swear that's exactly what she's doing!

still healing

that's the verdict from my 6 week appointment the other day. no sex- still not healed. other than that everything is going great. we seem to have rounded the 6 week corner. little girl slept last night from 11-1:30, 2-3:30, then straight through until 7. at 7 she literally ate for 5 minutes & went right back to sleep until 9. it was blissful! of course- the milk was all still there for her- making me quite uncomfortable when we both woke up at 9! she had a full meal & i still had to pump about 3 oz to be comfortably empty again!

the mother-in-law is here for the week... she thinks caiden hates her because she either cries or fusses every time she holds her. i'm sure she's only partially really thinking that & i'm sure it's not true, but somehow it does feel really awesome that my daughter prefers me. it's one of those landmark moments i used to dream of- having my baby be comforted by the fact that i am mommy. it's an amazing feeling. but thankfully caiden will go to anyone who will walk around with her so i can shower & have some me time. it's pretty much why the mil is here. well- that and to make some oatmeal cookies (she's doing that now!) yum!

i am really hoping that the 2 hour feeds are behind us. i don't mind 2-1/2 hours during the day, but if she can start having a four hour (or more!) stretch during the night that would just be heaven! i know that after every constant feed portion of a growth spurt there is some exta sleepiness for the growing to actually happen. i just hope she can stretch it out a little more from now on...

since the mil is here & then our friends are visiting next weekend- i will not be on much to post- but i will have to get on at some point to post the latest pics... including an elusive toothless grin! i just need to find he cord to download them!

growth spurt?

i know 6 weeks is another growth spurt time- could this be why baby girl ate every 2 hours from 7pm last night until 8/9-ish this morning? i think she's already 11 pounds or so, she is 21 inches long already- could she be gearing up to grow again? i keep waiting for that 6 week marker telling myself- 'it will get easier'. all in all we are lucky with her- she typically (except for last night) goes back to sleep really well in her cradle at night & only cranks a little during predictable times during the day. we also know how to soothe her now & what she likes. unfortunately that's all being held over the shoulder, or rocked face down across my knees. generally things that inhibit my mobility.

which is fine- for now. i know i have 4-1/2 weeks left for my leave, but i keep thinking 'what will i do then?' that (among a few other things) has opened a dialogue between the hub & i. due to some financial hardships & windfalls (a really strange combo that shouldn't work out in our favor but just may have) we may be in a position for him to stay home with her. we had discussed & tried to figure out how to do this ever since i got pregnant & now seems to be the alignment of forces necessary to make it a reality. it would mean sacrifices, a lot of budgeting, and some luck. but i would much rather have her here at home with her daddy than at a day care. and i know he would be happier too. his job history has not been a fulfilling one and if anyone could do the stay at home thing it would be him. he loves owning his days & being on his own. he hates having a boss and a schedule he has to follow. and he is insanely nuts over caiden. he has a magic touch with her & can sooth her at her worst gassy/fussy moments. even when mom & the boob can't!

it's not definite yet, but we have a lot to figure out now...

oh- mother's day was very nice. the hub brought us to a park for a picnic in the woods. baby girl slept right through it & the grandparents came along also. it was a gorgeous day & a lovely afternoon!

rough

last night was rough. i was telling the hub around 9pm how tired i was & how much i hoped she let me sleep a little . she didn't... a few hours of fussing, refusing to be put down & wanting 2 hour feeds & on top of that the hub's been stressing big time. there's some stuff going on & he is taking a certification exam as i type this that could really help on the job front. so he's been stressing, i've been stressing & last night it all boiled over in tune to 5 week old baby girl's cries. let's just say i totally understand why women give up on breastfeeding in favor of bottle convenience & division of labor...

as if sensing my discouragement- caiden rewarded me with huge grins & her first coos this morning- after some really nice napping. she then had a 4 hour stretch between feedings (followed by a 2 hour, but then a 3 hour stretch) so maybe we are getting something started.

i also checked out LLL's website & got some tips on nighttime positioning & feeding that have renewed me. baby girl is probably around 10.5 pounds now on pure boob juice so i know we're doing it right & it's the best thing for her. i really want to breastfeed for 6 months at a minimum, and i know it'll take determination & hard work. i just need to get some encouragement/positive thinking going on every now & then & reading some of the articles i found really helped. especially the ones that said she should start to increase her time between feedings around 6 weeks or so... i can keep up the constant 'mommy moo cow' routine for another week or two.

of course- then i have to start prepping to go back to work- can't even process that right now!

update: last night we did the side latch position & she ended up eating at 1, then stayed in bed with me & slept for 3 hours- she did the same thing at 4! i'm not jumping to any conclusions, but she went back to sleep very quickly & seemed to sleep deeper & better- as did i! plus- i loved feeling her breathing next to me & snuggling with her. as long as it's not permanent- i can see doing this for a few weeks until she stops needing to get up more than twicw during the night to eat...
she also seemed to wake up happier & she didn't have her usual hour long fuss last night- obviously the non-fuss was a fluke, but i feel nicely rested so i am grateful for it!

oops- i did it again

remember almost a month ago when i lost my plug? well- i am apparently a new breed of superhuman who's power is regeneration, because i just lost it again this morning. granted- it was not as 'brown-tinged' as the last time, but there sure was a hell of a lot more of it... i did read on the ever so reputable dr. g.oogle that it was possible to lose some & have it regenerate. i must have missed that the first time.

so- 39w1d is a much more appropriate time to lose the plug.... hopefully it stays lost this time & she is deciding to come out & play. my sister had the cutest conversation with her through me over the phone where she told her all the fun things the world held for her. #1 &2 were beer & cookies. i would worry but #3 was going to disne.y with her & she would play with caiden while the hub & i went on rides. i am really hoping to not make it all the way through this week. but my expectations of an early baby are pretty much gone! (it was mainly based on the whole lost my plug super early thing, then they started to dash with the absolutely no progress whatsoever this week at my appointment)

next appointment is thursday- followed by acupuncture where i will beg for an 'induction treatment' i heard her mention once... more so because i would like to try to avoid being scheduled for the hospital induction that will inevitably happen if she is later than the 5-6th. i really want her to decide to come out naturally, but it would be great if she decided that soon!

moms are not always right

we went out all this weekend running errands. i must've walked 3 miles in ikea alone... (kate- don't be jealous!) a grand total of at least 5-1/2 hours spent on my feet this weekend & all i got for it were a few more cramps & isolated contractions when i laid down to let the sausage feet go down. i know walking a lot is good for getting a natural progression going & opening everything up- but it's a little scary to look down & realize that because of all this walking your thighs go directly to your feet. they go back to somewhat normal pretty quickly & i get my ankles back every morning, but the sight of them is enough to make me want to stay immobile!

so- my mom was convinced she would have a grandkid joining the world this weekend. on sunday she revised that to by the 25th- she certainly doesn't think i am making it to my 39 week appointment on thursday. personally- i think there will be some more progress, but this kid is not breaking out that early! if she's early at all it will be the 29th (maybe) but more likely only a few days- maybe i will get an april fool's baby after all. or the fool could be on me & she'll be late after getting everyone all riled up with a plug lost almost 3 weeks ago, cramps & contractions & 50% effacements before officially hitting 38 weeks. i think i am going to have to watch this one!

i've been having more labor dreams- but i'm sure that's normal wishful thinking. my hands are slightly better this morning- i may be able to actually brush my hair decently rather than just putting it in a ponytail- so that's nice. as long as it warms up a little bit it looks like it's actually going to be a nice week.

still sick, still waiting

still no word on the refi- except that all looks good. let's hope so because i am now in nerve wracking- if this doesn't happen soon i am completely screwed territory. sleepless nights have commenced. (this may be partly due to the fact that breathing comfortably is very difficult right now in all ways.)

i still feel like shit- i sound even worse though. i finally got a hold of my docs & am on the only medication (pretty much) that i can take. i am doing much better & actually didn't take anything today & feel the same as being doped up yesterday. it was a long day at work just because i really wanted a nap. oh- i also pulled an abdominal muscle by coughing too hard. yeah... let's just say i actually was worried i ruptured something or displaced the placenta or something as far fetched & crazy as that. only for a few moments (okay- minutes) until she started moving around assuring me that mommy is just insane & needs to lay off the worry serum just a little. although i am still hacking away every now & then it's slowly getting better. i have my 32 week appointment on wednesday & if i am not better by then i know i'll be calling my primary doc.

the hub is rocking out & making me really proud & happy to call him the hub. he's been taking care of me (had dinner ready when i got home tonight & 3 nights last week!) he finished the trim in the nursery which means we only have to paint it & some shelves & we're done! (oh yeah- and get furniture & decor & stuff...) he's starting the kitchen drywall tomorrow & finishing it up this weekend so i can get painting. oh yeah- and my car now has a new engine!!!! we bought it a year ago with a blown motor & since it actually ran we just decided to run the motor completely into the ground before replacing it. it's loud, it's cranky, it gets terrible gas mileage, but it still hasn't died! this is why i love the subaru- it is a tank & it won't let me down. it's perfect for the fam car. well- especially with a new motor in it! tomorrow is the first day i am driving it in 2 months or so. the hub wanted to be the one to 'kill' the car since he only works 2 miles from the house & he's a mechanic so him getting stranded is not an issue. me, on the other hand, big issue.

we'll probably end up taking it off the road in 2 months while i'm on maternity leave. there's no need to pay for car insurance on two cars & the other car needs to have continuous coverage because he still has a payment on it. but if we can save $100-150 a month on the one car then it will help with staying out a full 10 weeks. which is what i think i will end up taking. i don't know that a full 12 weeks will be possible- especially since we have to finish the kitchen & the damn s.print fiasco had to be cleared up this month (don't get me started- too angry). and then there's a little cushion needed for purchasing anything we will need after the shower & whatever is left over from that should get put into savings rather than going towards another 2 weeks off. i can live with 10 weeks. anything less feels too short- hell- 12 weeks feels too short right now! but that's the way it'll have to be & i can live with that. as long as everything starts getting settled. soon!!!!

on that note- here is a picture i took while sick on the couch this weekend that i love to pieces. it's my dog (only the very best dog in the entire world) chase- and his new best friend- the wubba. (no clue why we picked that name to call this toy- it just seemed to fit)

30 weeks. time to freak

i can't believe i am here right now- 1 day shy of 30 weeks pregnant. 10 weeks (or so) shy of having my little girl in my arms & in our lives forever. holy crap. there's so much to do, yet i am feeling pretty calm (relatively speaking) & feel like everything will work out. i'm not really nervous for labor or anything like that. i know that it will hurt & it will suck & i will be in massive amounts of pain and that i will most likely freak out & want to quit at some point. but i also know that when it is all said & done it will be a tiny blip on the flashback of my life & that the real freakout starts once that little baby is in my arms.

i am scared of the after. i wonder how i can possibly protect her from everything my overactive imagination can dream up + the things i don't imagine! how can i give her everything i want to give her? how do i make a person? how do i instill the values i hold dear & give her the best life i can? how do i know when i am fucking up & then make it better? her life is my life. she is my everything & she's not quite here yet. i want so much for her & i haven't seen her face. i love her so much more than i could imagine & i don't know if her hair is curly or straight. i do know that none of that matters & i will love her even more than i can imagine right now. i just want to make sure that i do everything the best i can & give her the best i can. i worry about her future &i know that any sacrifice i have made to get her here will pale in comparison to the sacrifices i will be willing to make for her life to come.

i have 10 weeks left to get as prepared as i will ever be. we have to finish up the kitchen (as much as we can) we have little touches left on the nursery, but that will come after the shower i assume. then it's just waiting to get her here. i checked my registry & someone has purchase my travel system. (oh my god i am sooo thrilled!!!) so that's one less thing to worry about! even the crib we could figure out later if we have to so now i can breathe easier on that.

she keeps kicking & moving stronger now. i can actually see my stomach move when she does it. she is getting somewhat of a schedule now- she's really active around 11-12, 4pm, 6 pm & then sometime between 8:30 & 10:30 (which is her most active movement time) she moves a lot when i sing in the car- especially to things like the strokes, bad religion & the clash. not sure if it's my voice that does it or the music, but since the music is never too loud- i think it might be me. those are more rolls & stretches though. speaking of stretches- she loves to stretch up into my ribs. i can't imagine another few weeks when she's getting to be 5+ pounds! (i think she's around 3 now) i love every new sensation & experience and i am sure i will miss being pregnant pretty terribly. i never thought that i would enjoy it this much. i never thought i would have gained well under 20 pounds at 30 weeks either... so go figure. (sooo- not complaining, i am still gaining at a nice slow & steady rate ever since that one blip- i think i am up around 16 now- was 14.5 at last appointment at 28 weeks) but i will be happy if it comes off quick-ish after delivery. i think the deflated pooch will probably depress me, even though i will have my daughter here to hold. i just feel like she is so nice & safe right now- i can do many things to protect her just by living my life. i don't need to worry about colds & diarrhea & dropping her while i am severely sleep deprived, or not feeding her enough, or feeding her too much, or any of the 10,000 things that i will worry about (whether i need to or not) in another short 2-1/2 months...

on that frantic & pre-obsessive type a worrier note- here is my 30 week picture (or at least one of them- i'll probably take another tomorrow!) i was having a good hair day & i really like this dress so i wanted to get a pic in while i could. of course- it's at the bathroom at work, but oh well- all my pics are in some bathroom or another!

light at the end???

i am feeling relief now. the appraiser just left & everything seemed to go really well. the kitchen is a non-issue. whew! i told him about all the new stuff we had done to the house & what we planned to do in the spring (ie- new roof).

he was a lovely gentleman who has a 2 year old daughter at home. my dogs loved following him around for the 15 minutes he was in the house- fascinated by his equipment for measuring the house. (despite the fact they have seen me 3,000 times with a tape measure!)

yesterday was bad. badder than bad. remember when i mentioned my hatred for a certain phone company? (hint- it starts with an 's' and ends with a 'print') well- it is renewed. after countless phone calls & e-mails & despite having worked out that i would pay their craptastic large bill over time (since they didn't even get me an itemized copy of it until late december...) they have sent me to collections. to an evil harassing collections that calls you multiple times a day. so now i am back to calling & e-mailing the hideous evil corporation to see why the fuck they did that? and to make them stop it. if i get the refi i'll pay them off & be done with it. if not- they have to stick with the payment plan option (which is all of 2 freaking payments!) but this is a blip. an annoyance compared with what happened next. this i can (and actually already have) deal with.

next up was crazy mil time. i can't get into details (how i wish blogger could pp certain posts!) but it was bad. long story short- i had her invited to my shower (which by the way i love my friends- more on that later, but apparently they sent out perfect invitations. i won't see one until the day- i only know time & day & place since it's at my house- otherwise i am completely out of it) which was apparently a personal attack of some sort. there were several heated e-mails with many upsetting & deliberately hurtful things sent. i responded as best i could (not being a wallflower, but not sinking to saying mean -if true- things to hurt her like she hurt me- man this belief in karma really is hard sometimes!) in the end i said what i wanted to say & left an open invitation to either come to the shower, or to visit when the babe is born. she & the hub are still not speaking- mainly because the hub is really upset by how she has dragged me into their fight & the things she has said to me. so i let her know that if that's still the case in 3 months then she can visit while he's at work. of course- my mom or sis will probably be here then too- but that's fine. i may want the moral support depending on how things progress - or don't- until then!

all in all it was a very upsetting day made just that much worse by the anxiety caused by this appraisal & so much of our future financial comfort hinging on one day. i still don't know what we are looking at, but i am feeling slightly more confident & more relaxed that we will in fact be okay.

the poor hub is a wreck today- i couldn't sleep well last night & while i can go back to sleep after tossing and turning- he can't. so my poor sleep actually wakes him up & he is stuck being awake at 3am. he has to go to work for 8am so he is pretty beat today. tonight i think we are going to just get a movie and relax at home. i think we have earned it!

getting nervous

sitting down tonight to hash through the numbers one more time & we really really need this refi... it all hinges on saturday's appraisal. everything should work out just fine- the comps are great, our neighborhood is great, the improvements we have done are great. it's just the damn kitchen. it has a plywood floor & unfinished drywall. i don't know how much that will hurt us right now. i can take about 5,000 or so less than the ideal- maybe even 8. but any more than that & it's not worth it to refi. and we will be literally in the hole every month once caiden is here. it's not by much- but after all is budgeted we will have more bills (expenses) than income. and that's fucking scary. daycare is such a huge chunk & having to figure out how to live without an income for anywhere between 4-7 weeks just puts it back even more.

yes- we could make a number of cuts to spending & would figure it out. but it really sucks. it's just so nerve wracking to be so close to being able to really breathe easy. we wouldn't be rich or saving tons of money in the bank every month, but we could afford everything we needed & i could stay home with her for longer. we still couldn't buy all new furniture for the nursery or go nuts on all the little things babies seem to need (i know most aren't really needed at all & she won't ever know she didn't have the brand new pack-n-play or deluxe bouncy chair) but we would be comfortable providing for our little family. and have emergency money. which is always needed!

please send me some good thoughts for a nice high respectable number on saturday...


on a good note- she is being much more active lately. i was getting slightly worried last week & over last weekend because i just didn't feel her as much. i decided to give it a day or two of taking it easy because i was running around a lot last week. well- she is nice & obedient & has been kicking the crap out of me! she wakes me up promptly 15 minutes after the hub's alarm goes off with a nice little kick session. then she rolls around a lot! i can feel definite head & butt bumps- they always freak the hub right out! it's so great. i'm noticing a pattern- especially as i have the kick count chart from my last appointment. they say to stop counting once you reach ten- that's usually before i've had breakfast- so i just keep track of when she has really active times or has a bunch of movements grouped together.

on a happier note, after a vent

i have been feeling very down lately. i am bothered not so much by the thought of not having a shower thrown for me- if i really want one that badly i will just throw it my damn self. (but i think that's rather tacky- like asking for gifts so there will be none of that!) i've been bothered by the thought that i wanted everything about this pregnancy to be perfect- in that i want to live every moment like it's the only time i get it, since it may very well be. i have no idea if i will be able to get pregnant again, but i do know that after the past 2 years, one singular iui cycle, a really crappy economy & now a baby on the way- our finances will take a long time to bounce back to the point where we would even be able to consider it again. so i am assuming that this is my one & only pregnancy. i don't want to regret not doing something or feel like i missed out on the experience. that's really it more than anything.

i have to say that i am also extremely disappointed that my friend seemed to want to do this for me, she offered & asked me about it. we talked about any involvement she needed from me- that i would be willing and very able to help if needed/wanted. (even though i think it's kind of tacky to throw myself a shower- i would want to help anyone that wanted to throw me one. i know how tough it can be & i really don't want people spending money on me when i could offer my house as a location at the very least) then i never heard from her. i know my best friend here never heard from her & neither did my sister. if i was having a shower - shouldn't someone have found out addresses of where to send invitations? i know my family doesn't have the in-laws addresses. i know most of my friend's only know each other through me. i am 27 weeks. i am also an obsessive type a planner so i know what i would be doing right now to plan for someone else. and i probably would have already sent out invitations. but like i said- obsessive type a & maybe my lesson here is to let go & let other people be. because i sure won't be able to control a lot very soon & i need to learn that it's okay for things to be different from my master plan. i have always been able to be flexible, but i can't always let go of the disappointment over things not happening the way i pictured & i can forsee a lot of that coming up.

aside from all the selfish reasons i am a little down, i haven't even been able to get a hold of my friend to see if she's okay. i don't care if the events of her own life in the past few months (which have been kind of horrific) prevent her from doing this for me. i really truly understand. but it would be nice to at least know. and to know that she is okay. i feel like she is avoiding me- every phone call, every e-mail, no contact even through the networking sites.... i have always been very susceptable to feelings of abandonment. i do take things very personally in that i always look to myself first for a reason that someone may not be talking/responding to me. (does that sound conceited! believe me it's not- i always look to see how i am flawed or wrong in a situation, often inventing things that i did that the person took offense to & torturing myself over it until i finally find out that it was nothing to do with me in the first place) so i feel like if i could just talk with her- make sure everything is okay & just simply ask if she needs anything from me or if she wants to forget the whole thing- at least i will know & be able to lift off this black cloud i've been hiding under the past week or so. because my sister was here & we talked- i really just needed her to listen to get some of this out- and she said that no matter what she would make sure i got a shower- even if it was just her & me & some balloons. which is equally sad, but so sweet that she wants me to be happy too. even though it's just a stupid shower. (and it's not about gifts in the slightest. yes- we could really use some help since babies are fucking expensive, but if we got nothing we would still be okay & able to properly care for caiden, we are adults after all & if it means that i carry my debt around a few more months, then so be it. i can budget like nobodies business & i can find a bargain on anything. so i am not worried about the 'stuff' aspect. it's the warm fuzzies of having all your friends & family gather together & say 'welcome to the world' to your child. it's that one day of being told that you are wonderful because you will be 'mom'. can i get that other ways? sure i could. is the tradition important to me? of course!

okay- i am shaking myself off because i don't want this to be as whiny a post as it has already become. the happier note is that the nursery is now looking much more complete. we do still have to install trim (and by we i mean the hub), paint the floating shelves and the dresser white (the dresser is debatable- i may just keep it the way it is), and then do all the little decorative touches. but we now have a glider (thank you craigsl.ist!) which is just perfect! the carpet was freshly installed & we had a few scraps left over- hence the trash bag & padding hanging out...

i love this room. i can just walk in & feel better. it helps me to look forward to all the good things my life will soon have. and it helps me see how great things are now. the hub has labored long & hard on this room (and this house in general). i design- he executes. we make an excellent team & it makes me so proud & happy that we'll be doing this together.

halfway & all the way

today marks 20 weeks. wow. words i didn't expect to type. halfway to meeting my child. halfway to what has been the focus of much of my existence for 2 years now.


ironically enough, this week marks the time 2 years ago when the hub looked at me one night as we were getting busy (aren't i romantic!) and let me know he was also ready to start trying. 2 years ago we were so young & stupid. so full of hope. so scared out of our minds because we just knew that a kid was right around the corner- if not this month then definitely next month.


thanksgiving has become a strange time for us with ttc. that first one we only talked baby on the long 6 hour drive to the in-laws. we picked out names. we decided on our boys name, which we still love all this time later. we talked about how we wanted to parent, who the baby would look like. all the wonderful dreamy fantasy of having a child.


the next thanksgiving was bitter. we were in a year, but it had been a very hard year. the hub's shop was struggling. we were struggling. ttc was wearing us out, but i still had some hope. we hadn't been tested yet even. that hope was tempered with a hell of a lot of fear though. life was hard. our marriage was getting stressed & all i could see was having to pay for treatment after treatment & hoping we could scrape by. or having to put the whole thing off until we stabilized again.


this thanksgiving i am coming to the table blessed & grateful & humble. i am a mom. after being told we were perfectly fine. trying for more months, then putting all we had to give into one hail mary cycle, my angel came to me. i don't know why, i don't know why we are so lucky when there are so many who are just as deserving. wanting. needing. but i am thankful every day. every time i feel a flutter. every time my head was in the toilet. every time i got to look at that screen or hear that heartbeat i say thank you. my heart is full. my hub & i were strong enough to make it through some seriously shitty times to get here, in our financial, emotional & marital lives. i have lost a good friend only to finally get her back after some painful growth that i needed. i have gained amazingly wonderfully fantastic new friends in the process. i have a rock i can lean on. i have learned strength i never thought i had & gained empathy & wisdom i honestly never knew existed. i have a love so fierce i would die to protect it. and i haven't even met her yet. i always loved thanksgiving, but this one- this one is special in ways i can hardly imagine, much less describe.



now i divert from my lovefest with a confession. i am terrified. no one could have foreseen the crappy economy. but for those of us just struggling to get out from under a year & a half's worth of hard personal economic times, this economy is disastrous. we are lucky in that we didn't buy too much house or overextend ourselves with loans & mortgages. but we have some debt. debt i was in line to pay off, even if it was going a little slowly. now the hub is struggling to get into a career. the shop is done, but he still wants to have a job in the field he loves. he is really good at it too, but he isn't certified. he didn't go to any school. everything he has has been through hard work. unfortunately that doesn't always cut it on a resume. and now he has an opportunity to at least get into something. and we are in a position where he needs to get it. and stay there for a while. but then make a lot more so we can have a hope of affording day care. i can not get anything else out of my job for the moment. there is no raise for me this year. there may not be one next year. i have had to stop my retirement contributions temporarily to give myself a much needed raise, which is now diverted from it's original purpose of paying off debt to pretty much back to supporting us on my salary which is damn near impossible. and then there's insurance. we are already budgeted to within an inch of our sanity. we need the hub to get this job & do well & get a raise. and i know how life goes so i am terrified that it won't. and what started out as a hopeful & wonderful journey is becoming a worry filled stress filled gestation. i am halfway done. i only have 20 weeks to get this all together. what was once plenty of money for us & then some quickly became how do we afford this now? (not to mention the strain that financial stress puts on one's relationship. especially when the hub portion of said relationship reacts to stress by completely shutting down in all areas sexual... fun for me! i can't even remember sex. my latest confession- 11 weeks. at least. it's okay to cry- i do)


i wish i had a boat, or fancy car, or extravagant house, or even a fucking wonderful spa holiday vacation to blame this on. but i don't. we made some mistakes and took some risks with the hub's shop. it failed. he has had a very hard time picking his life back up since, but always managed to at least have a decent job, to pay the bills & we could afford a night out together now & then. we were almost back to actually saving money again. and then the economy tanked & his temporary job became one of those superfluous luxuries that companies just don't need these days. and now here we are. terrified. statistics. paycheck to paycheck middle class like so much of the country. not rich enough to get out of this mess. not poor enough to qualify for any sort of assistance (which is a whole 'nother topic i am purposefully leaving out of this one).



how can i be a good mom if i can't afford to formula feed (if i have to), put her in daycare (because i have to), or even take some more time off to spend her first few months with her or have her dad be the SAHD he's been thinking he might want to be (there's no chance of this now). i will not be able to afford to get her stroller unless someone else gets it for me. and that makes me feel like i have failed. failed in the one thing i have wanted to do for so very long. life changes so quickly- in the blink of an eye we had our dreams fulfilled. in the blink of an eye the rug is pulled out from under us.



and yet. i wouldn't turn back the clock. my past experiences have taught me, well- they've taught me. i become a different person every time some hardship falls my way. i know that the important things in life aren't going anywhere. i know that no matter what the hub & i are a great & devoted team. we can do amazing things together. and no matter how hard things seem, we get through them. usually even better than i would have imagined when they are new & terrifying. and we will figure it all out. crai.gslist is there for a reason & believe me, i'm cheap to begin with! (as some may already know) i also have a bit of the hippy in me- i'm a 'green' designer after all. i would rather reuse something, or repurpose something, than buy it new anyway. except for shoes & underwear- they must be new!



despite everything, i wouldn't change a thing. i had (& still have) it easy.i have the hub & the spring roll. i still have a job that i actually enjoy pretty much every day. a roof over our heads & we can still pay our bills, even if some are getting squeaked in. i have a car that i can afford to put gas in & no car payment to worry about. my family & friends love me & i am grateful for each & every one of these things. but if you don't mind, will you say a little prayer, or think a few good thoughts for the hub & his possible new job? we could always use some good karma.

tri- tri again

today is 13w3d. it's official. second tri is here.
holy crap!

still haven't told the bosses because i still haven't had my review scheduled. if it's not hinted at by the end of the week i think i am just going to spill it- unless it busts out sooner! i just want to let the gut hang out, not worry about what i wear giving me away & be able to freaking talk about it. after trying for so long i want to really enjoy this & not worry that i'll slip & give it away. i want to 'come out'!

8 alarm

tonight as i was starting to wrap up at work we noticed there was a huge fire down the street. it turns out that an 8 alarm fire started at a construction site & spread to at least 2 occupied apartment buildings next door.
so far it seems everyone is okay. but it is heartbreaking to think of the loss that hundreds of people came home to tonight. everything was completely destroyed.
it makes me very happy & appreciative for what i have right now.
but of course i was glued to both the window & the computer for the live feed. why is it that a truly disastrous fire is so unbelievably fascinating? the entire office, & i am sure the entire area, was rubbernecking the scene.

oh- i had a dentist appointment this morning to get a sealant on some molars & a desensitizer on a filling. i was supposed to get x-rays too, but luckily i got to tell them in person (even though i specifically called to leave a message that they apparently just didn't listen to!) they are very sweet & the one hygienist has known we were trying since at last last year because they always ask about your other health issues. she's always very nice & supportive & errs on the side of caution when i am (was) in a 2ww. i was actually a little disappointed that i got another hygienist today- although the congratulations is very nice to hear!

by the way- i think the boobs are starting to grow. the hub definitely thinks so... i wonder how long until it gets really noticeable...
only 5 more days until sprng roll is spotted!