ones & twos

today is pumpkin's first snowfall (at home that is- it snowed when we visited nancy, but we didn't go out in it) I just bundled her up- tights, leggings, jeans with fleece pants over all of it, a long sleeve onesie, tee, fleece jacket & then nylon windbreaker type jacket, gloves & a hat. and of course shoes. all for a grand total of 5 minutes outside. 1 stand in the snow, 1 sit & 1 fall backwards. i of course was able to take a ton of pictures in those 5 minutes. i am experimenting with different color saturations at the moment- i really like how desaturating the image brings out the detail of the snowflakes & of course her eyes & lashes!



she seemed to like the snow all right (well- tolerate it at least) as long as i held her or was right there with her. the second she sat alone she started to cry.
we walked over to say hi to a neighbor clearing off her car & i snapped a few more close ups of the snowflakes that stay on her eyelashes...

the hub is out plowing the streets with a neighbor & we may be having a little hot cocoa & watching movies the rest of the day in our pj's.

pumpkin also got tooth number 2 this week. she was a little crankier than usual one day after being up more than usual during the night. i thought i caught a glimpse of something- stuck my hand in her little mouth & was promptly bit by 2 little chompers! the one from last month& a teeny one just poking through the surface. her sleep has been much improved since then. she does wake up once or twice between 3 & 5, but before i can drag myself out of bed she's back down, which has been pretty sweet.

my work holiday party was last night & was as always a lovely warm fuzzy time. it was nice to feel some love & got a gorgeous collage frame to jazz up our walls from my secret santa. perhaps one of the shots from today will make it in. i am really hoping that the snow sticks around until christmas- it's been so sad to have the bare brown ground- either way though- this christmas will truly be memorable. unbelievable & surreal, but making new traditions with my daughter- that is a christmas i have imagined for so long that the reality still feels like fantasy. like the magic & miracle that it truly is.

the best thing

my 8-1/2 month old baby girl was a perfect little diva yesterday for our christmas photo shoot. i am still in disbelief that i get to send these with our christmas cards!

a couple of my favs from yesterday. can you believe i found this dress at a goo.dwill? total vintage beauty!

our little pirate- more pics

this was just a quick cell phone pic- i'va added a few more:

the whole get-up, pirate 'ship', 'parrot', sword & all.

proof she didn't hate the costume the whole time!

showing her disconcern at this whole halloween thing

getting into character

why, mommie, why?

and yes- i totally drew a fake moustache on my 7 month old. i made sure it was non-toxic eyeliner & it was freaking tough to get those 3 lines drawn! it lasted all of 2 minutes to get a few photos because the hub was extremely concerned that everyone would think she is a boy. i figured the plethora of pink clothing & accessories would temper that- but alas... even without the fake facial hair i still got tons of 'he is a cute pirate' and 'what's he going as tonight'. it was a really fun night- my block was crazy packed as always & pumpkin & i got to hand out candy for about an hour before we left for a friend's halloween party. i got there early to do her makeup & hair & stayed until 9 or so. she was awesome the whole time & didn't freak out despite there being some freaky costumes showing up. once more people started arriving we headed out- she had fallen asleep in the sling, but i didn't want her out too late & getting off her sleep schedule too bad. with daylight savings it actually worked out fairly well as she is already back on her usual schedule today.

now i get to count down to the next exciting event on our horizon! i am so excited & can't wait to meet the whole fam- but especially to get to give my bud nancy a big ole hug!

going overboard

i take a ton of pictures lately- obviously they are pretty much all of my favorite subject. i would like to get back into taking more photos, well- more technically good (or decent) photos. but capturing my child- while very rewarding for me- is not so easy with my very basic decent digital. the kiddo is quick & wiggly & that makes for either having to use the flash 90% of the time or a blurry photo. the flash sucks. i hate photos with that washed out too bright flash look, but there is really no other way to get her when she's moving & grooving in my house since i have crap lighting. (yeah- i am a designer & should have awesome lighting, but unfortunately my old ass house has no overhead lighting wired into the first floor & it's too much to add it right now...) so anyway- here's a few pictures from my in-laws house where the lighting is actually pretty darn good.




starting her roll:


digging her new alphabet saying, singing, caterpillar thingy:




my favorites- a little series from our rest stop:

it has begun

yesterday the pumpkin demonstrated how little she cares for this whole immobility thing by army crawling over my lap to get a toy she had flung to the other side. while not able quite yet to officially get it all coordinated enough to really crawl around, she does this half roll, then push off whatever she can find & scoot/pull herself forward a bit & then roll again, etc, etc.

i thought i could wait a little longer to start babyproofing, but this kid is very impatient- just like her dad.



i do have to say though- with all this physical development & movement, she gets worn out by the end of the day & she's been going to sleep very well & actually slept through the night last night. (not that i ever expect it to continue!) it's always a very pleasant surprise to wake up at 4am & wonder if you heard the baby- look over at the clock & realize you are only awake because your body told you she has 'missed' a feeding. then go blissfully back to sleep for a whole freaking hour until she finally does wake up! we both got up much happier this morning.


of course- seeing as i had a bit of a rough night independent of her last night i am especially grateful to the full nights sleep. nothing i really want to get into, but the basic is i heard something 2nd hand that upset me very much. turned out not to be true, but brought up a lot of difficult questions, emotions & conversations i didn't need to have if the person had just gone directly to the source with what she had heard.



oh yeah- and she figured out she can now hold herself up for about 10-20 seconds at a clip. this proved extremely difficult to document- hence the washed out picture since i had to use a flash to get my camera to take the picture with a fast enough shutter speed to capture the magic! and the glazed donut look on her chin as she is (still) drooling up a storm!

random picture love

tried on a hat just like daddy's- too bad it's too small already!

It's good to be home

Vaca was awesome & fun. Traveling is not, but pumpkin was great! Now she is all tuckered out in the sling & happy to be back to routine. Me too!

(ps- my b00b looks huge in this pic, haha!)

vaca photo post

not much time- i am going to try to get possibly the most awesome video to upload (wish me luck) but here are some photos of our vaca fun. we're packing up tonight & have to try to stop by my mom's job, my husband's aunt's house & his brother's all on our trip home. it's gonna be a long long day.













and because it's not always all about the kiddo- mommy & daddy actually got out without the pumpkin! that's right- grandma & auntie watched her respectively for a few hours on two different days!

much needed r&r

it's funny- for being out of work- we really need a vacation! we're going down to visit my sister & her hubby for 5 days or so. since it involves getting a friend to house sit & watch the dogs & then packing up everything we could possibly need for pumpkin in 5 days it's getting a little hectic. but i am really looking forward to being down there. my sis is now out of work too (by choice) and it will be really nice to have lots of quality time with her. plus the extra pair of hands with pumpkin will be awesome!

last night was rough- poor girl was in so much teething pain that by bedtime she couldn't even eat. after trying everything- frozen washcloths & teether toys- i even made a nice chilly pacifier for her- she was trying to nurse & just couldn't. out came the baby ty.len.ol & about 5 minutes later nursing was a-ok. poor thing! i felt so bad that i couldn't do more to help her, and i am hesitant to use too much medication- it's kind of my last resort, even though i got the ok from the doc to use when she's really fussy with the teething. it's just my preference for less medication leaking through to her i guess. but when she really needs it- like last night- she gets it!

i'm hoping she is good on our trip tomorrow, and nervous for what 5 nights away from home & routine will do. but i figure we're early on into this whole routine process anyway- hopefully she can get back into it fairly easily! i do plan on keeping as close to what we've established as possible while away, it's just going to be more challenging...

her new favorite teething toy- thanks to the wonderful nancy

verdict

today is day three of the great 'solids experiment'. i am giving her very thinned out rice cereal after she nurses so it's less about getting her calories than about trying new tastes & textures. even with a belly full of milk she is gobbling it down! she slurps the spoon & is slowly learning this whole chew action vs suck action thing. we've gotten a few raspberries & when she starts turning away from the spoon we're done. but more often than not so far, she has been waiting- mouth open following intently for more! i'm not in a rush to try other foods & we'll probably be in the experiment phase for a while before she even gets anything thicker than what she's had so far, but she definitely seems to be taking to it.
no adverse affects either. if anything she is spitting up far less (as in not at all) in the past 3 days than she has yet. coincidence- who knows. also no real change to poop or sleep habits- not that i was anticipating anything at all in regards to sleep. i do know that's a complete myth. babies sleep through the night when they are ready- not when they hit a certain weight, age, or eat a different food. she's still not quite ready. her new pattern seems to be sleep by 8:45- up at 3am for a quick feed & back to bed. then up again between 5-6am for another feed & back to bed until anywhere between 8-9:30 when she gets up for the day. i am slowly moving her bedtime up a little bit in the hopes that earlier to bed means longer sleep - one of those random things i've read somewhere that is at least worth a shot.
the 5 am-ish feeding is annoying. last night i tried to sooth her back to sleep instead of nursing to no avail. the girl wanted her b00b & she wanted it then. at least she gave me a solid 4 hours before 3 & a good 4 hours after 5. so i really can't complain, but maybe later on when we get a little more consistent with solids (ie- cereal for meals not just to try it out once a day as a snack) we can see if a later meal of cereal has any affect. it's all a little like mad scientist to me- there are lots of variables & theories. everyone has an opinion & a tale of what worked for them, but all you can do is try a bunch of different things until you find the right combo for your child. i know what works for others might not work for me. hell- what worked for my own mother doesn't work for me! all in all though- pumpkin is a happy & extremely healthy baby with a great personality & disposition. she has her cranky moments, but they are far fewer than even the limited amount she had as a newborn. for that i am eternally grateful. i can put up with 3 & 5 am feedings if the trade off is a baby this happy!
another thing i am grateful for though is being able to be home with her right now. i honestly can't imagine how i would function some days on the lack of sleep at a 9-5 (or 8-6 as it was) job. i know i would (and that i will when/if the time comes) i just can't imagine it right now. i love me some sleep. in high school my weekends were spent in bed until at least noon. at my first college i never scheduled a class before 1pm so i could sleep & not worry about missing anything important. now even though i have no time clock i am up before 9 everyday without fail. (i know, i know- i really should shut the fuck up!) all i am saying is that with getting up 2x a night- i need that extra few hours sleep. were i to have to commute everyday i would need to be up around 6:30 to get ready & out of the house by 8. considering that i get up at 3 & 5-ish, that would mean i would really have to go to bed with caiden to get enough sleep to face a long day of work & then being mommy at home. major props to all that do it because while i know you get used to almost anything- i am enjoying being spoiled enough to not have to function on that limited amount of sleep and having it be majorly interrupted as well. i am still taking everything pretty much one day at a time with regards to making any big decisions, but i am a lot happier with this silver lining of the crappy economy. now if i could just win that lottery...

hidden talents

receptionist duty was actually pretty nice yesterday. i got a treatment that was quite relaxing & i did notice my shoulders hurting less. one thing about a 18-19 pound 4 month old is that your shoulders hurt no matter what. yes- i put her down in various chairs, swings, pack-n-play, etc. but she loves to be held & i do love to hold her, but my back does not love it. my quickly becoming bum left knee also is protesting.

she took a little bit (1 oz or so) from a bottle for the hub & was still quite hungry- but not terrifyingly so- when they picked me up. all in all - a very good day.

until the hub started using his new software to try to build a website for his motorcycle repair & restoration business he is trying to get off the ground. he gets frustrated very quickly & creative programs are not intuitive for him. luckily he married a genius (yes- i am very humble thank you very much!) and within an hour i not only had a very crude & basic home page created, but also published. a feat he has been trying to do for 2 days. i don't think it speaks so much to my great vast knowledge of computer programs & mad skills with software (which i really don't have). i do think i am more intuitive & analytical & definitely have a strong design sense due to my (former?) career. even with all this going for me his site is very crude- just a slightly crappy pageholder with 'under construction' on it. today we'll be tweaking this pageholder a little to get some actual info & a way to contact him up & then we'll go for actual design. so easy to do while caring for a very vocal teething 4 month old. although i think the teething has slightly calmed down since she's been far less fussy & stop biting everything in sight. still drooling, still has a little pearl & loves to cram the burp cloth/diaper in her mouth, but less fussy overall & sleeping has been pretty good. one question though- is a very very soft , ummm- forceful, poo normal for a teething baby? it's not quite normal, but not quite not, you know? thanks!

what i walk into in the mornings now- she wakes up with the funniest faces!

quasi-wordless wednesday

i am trying to post more- to that end here are some pics of today's cuteness who is currently only interested in having a conversation with her mobile (quite loudly!) and blowing raspberries in her bassinet before finally falling asleep. i hope.

burnt

pumpkin has been waking up a lot during the night to eat this week. i don't really know why. it may be a growth spurt a little late (or early- depending on how you look at it). it may be the 4 month weirdness that i've been seeing a lot of internet posts about. or it may be that she's just a loud baby & being so close to us at night has it's downfalls & this is one of them. a zombie mommy & daddy are just no good to anyone!



to that end we are trying a multi-pronged approach. i am feeding her more often during the day today. we are going to attempt the first night's sleep in her crib. she is getting enough naps during the day, but not so late that it interferes with bedtime. at the very least it can't be any worse unless she actually is getting sick! (i really don't think she is!)



i doubt she is teething- there's no little pearls or hard spots on her gums. overall- she is fairly happy today- surprisingly so for such interrupted sleep! (up at 1am, 3:20, 5:30, & 7!) she came thisclose to rolling over from back to front today. i think she'll do it this week or next week at the latest!

**updated to add: i think that there is something off about this week's sleep in that she really did have a nice little routine going before this. she would go to bed after eating around 10-ish, then sleep until 3 or 4am. then we would start up an every 3hr (or so) schedule until 10-ish that night. every 3rd night- roughly- she would wake up 2x a night instead of 1 (well- i should say 3x instead of 2 because after the 6/7 am feeding we'd go back to sleep until she really got up around 8 or 9) this all led me to believe she was slowly weaning herself from that middle of the night feeding- which was fine. then this week has been off completely. the last 'good' night was the fourth. seems a little long for a growth spurt. that is what makes me think that a change of scenery might do her some good. give her a chance to sleep on her own without the easy b00b access & constant waking that being so close to mommy can bring. but i am extremely laid back in my parenting style & forcing her to be on a schedule just stresses all of us out. she's been doing fantastically at finding her own schedule so far & i am sure we'll all work this one out too. even if it does make us a little sleep deprived- now at least is the time to be zombies with no daily grind to get through!**

here she is during our floor time- combo back & tummy...






talking to mommy

telling me she is so over it!

happy that mommy is holding her & she is done with that hard floor!

oversharing

so- i've been reflecting on the whole pregnancy/delivery/baby thing the past few days. i'm not going to get all emotional & whatnot- just been thinking about a few things & wanted to get them down.

yes- trying to get pregnant was fucking hard. emotionally, physically (to a small extent- i'm much much luckier in that regard than a lot of people) and maritally. the trying takes it's toll on everything in your life after a while-no matter how long it takes. but i honestly find that starting to go blurry around the edges now. not that i don't remember how it felt, but i feel like it was in a much more distant past than it actually is. i will always be empathic to those dealing with what i still think of as one of the hardest things a person can go through, but for me the memories are becoming just that- memories. it's not my all consuming present anymore- despite the 16 pound reminder i literally carry with me all day.

being pregnant was so fucking easy for me (just my personal experience- not gloating or trying to rub anything in!). i think it's because i loved & was extraordinarily grateful for pretty much every second- the mood swings, the fatigue, the morning sickness. i said bring it on & i loved loved loved the bump & feeling her. i could do without the whole swelling beyond recognition & losing my ankles thing. especially since it led to the delivery i had.

for the most part labor was okay. it's all starting to blur just slightly & i can see how women decide to do this again & again- forgetting the pain. unfortunately i have 5 reminders that flair up at least once a week. yes- my 4 internal tears & the 1 episiotomy scar. the episiotomy doesn't bother me too much, but (& this is where oversharing really comes in to play) it does occasionally feel like the perineum is stretching to a mighty uncomfortable point when i am , uh... sitting in a certain position on a certain household 'throne'. but that's getting rarer these days. the internal tears are what worry me as when i wipe there are drops of blood at least once a week. the first time it happened i freaked out thinking i was starting to cycle again. but since it is literally a few drops- looks just like when you cut yourself- i am pretty sure that the internals are just not quite healed. my big concern is- do i schedule another appointment with my ob? i went in at 6 weeks & was told that i definitely was not healed, but people- my kid is 3 months old today! so- the hub has been patient for 3 months & i don't think i am more than 60-70% healed. can they even do anything for that? i know she stitched very carefully- took almost an hour. i also know that i probably was too active too quickly after delivery. easy enough to do when your infant is admitted to the hospital at 5 days old. but i don't know if it's even worth the co-pay to go in & get told i just need more time.

so- delivery... not looking forward to another recovery period like this.

now- the baby part. obviously i am still a work in progress as 'mommy', but despite how incredibly hard it can be- the rewards are so obvious & daily that it just doesn't seem to matter. when i hear her babbling to herself as she drifts off to sleep, or see the smile in her whole face as she nurses after being cranky or upset, when she cuddles into my shoulder and the only thing that makes the meltdown stop is being held by mommy... all those and more make every 2, 4, 6, 8 am feeding schedule night worth it. (that's been her last 2 nights- i feel slightly zombielike today) i know that she was worth every second of doubt, misery, anguish, physical pain & emotional distress. every fight with the hub & sleepless night. every penny & every blood draw & dance with the dildo-cam. i know i'd do it all again tenfold- including every single stitch- just to have her sitting here while i type this.

and to leave on a photographic note.. her i am trying desperately to look like jenn- not like a tired mommy on wednesday as i go to the happy hour. i really tried with hair & makeup & everything! look- there's even jewelry on!

so tired

after a lovely afternoon out- 4 whole hours without the pumpkin! - i came home to find out that all our hard work with getting her used to a bottle had disappeared in the 3 short weeks since i've been unemployed. she had 1/2 oz for the hub & was really ready for the b00b when i got home. she was so upset with me for leaving her in daddy's very capable, but unable to give her what she really wanted, hands that she woke up every 2 hours for some sucking last night.

so not fun. i'm exhausted & i can't even imagine if this happened & i had to work all day! we will be giving her a bottle far more often now to keep her used to taking one & make it easier when i ~do~ go back to work. (although i really think that's not going to be until past her 6 month mark & she'll be getting solids by then & hopefully it will all be easier.

my boss was not at my drinks date, by the way. i was half dreading seeing her & half looking forward to it. i am going to the annual party this summer so i will get to see everyone then. & no- i am not crashing! i was invited which makes me very happy & think that they really do want to hire me back when they can.

the pumpkin has been chilling & talking in her bassinet for the last 30 minutes, i think she may have finally settled into a little nap. i do love hearing her 'conversations' with her bear mobile before she goes to sleep! she did the same thing yesterday & i even got photographic evidence! so we are definitely improving the napping!

12 weeks

caiden is 12 weeks old tomorrow. holy cow- where did it go? it's been an exhilarating 12 weeks to be sure. so much has happened what with the job situations and trying to figure things out. the hub is all set to get his licenses, but he also has been trying to get some side work going. he is channeling his love of motorcycles into what hopefully becomes a nice little business of customizing & repairing them. he has a partner for that & luckily right now we don't need to have him working full time for another 2 months. we still have yet to get the subaru on the road, but that will happen next week. there's still a lot of worry & balancing to make sure we can afford everything, but we are getting used to being home with each other & the pumpkin. i don't know that being a sahm is my entire future- but in the immediate 6 months i think i can get used to this.



i get to see how much the little girl is growing & learning & changing day to day. she can grasp a rattle, she can reach out to mr. elephant on her bouncy chair. she babbles & 'talks' to everyone. she gets hella cranky when she's gassy- usually around 7am feeding & right before bed. although i think bedtime crank is her getting tired & us needing to establish a better routine.



the last few days she's reverted back to a constant 3 hour schedule- no more nighttime stretches of 4+ hours. i hope this changes back soon. i wonder if it's another growth spurt- but i kind of hope not since she's already outgrown most all of her 0-3 month & is now solidly in 3 or 3-6 sizes. i even have her in a few things that are 6 month! she's such a chunk- but in that good chubby baby way. her cheeks are amazing & her smile lights up the entire room.



she loves having her hair washed & splashes in her tub. she hates getting out of the bath, but is taking a little bit longer to let me know- so maybe there's hope! she loves the b00b & is quite the efficient nurser during the day. at night though she really wants the 'comfort b00b' as i call it & can nurse for an hour. she 'schnoodles' in her sleep. she loves to have her feet played with & her toes kissed- sometimes it's all it takes to head off a crank session. her face lights up when she sees her daddy. she still wakes up happy, but doesn't poop until after her 10:30/11 am feeding. i don't have to change her in the middle of the night anymore, but she does need butt paste in the evening.

she still hates tummy time- but will tolerate it for a good 3 minutes. i force the next 2 on her to get her at least 5 minutes, but she's really mad at me by the time 4:30 rolls around. we're working on it- but i admit to being slightly lax because she just doesn't like it that much!

we also need to get better at daytime naps- she just will not go down in her bassinet or crib during the day. she'll sleep in her bouncy chair, but only for a half hour- 40 minutes max. a walk in her stroller or a car ride usually gets her for a good hour nap at least, but that's not the best habit to get into. the hub & i are trying to live a tress free life & schedules tend to stress us out since we don't have 9-5 jobs now!

she is the light of our lives (as cheesy as it sounds) and we love spending our days with her. i can't believe that she's almost 3 months old. it really is flying by & every time i look at her smile it makes the past & present troubles fade away. nothing really matters except for this adorable face!