eight is great

pumpkin turned 8 months on thursday. i have an eight month old... wow. i have a crawling, cruising, self-feeding, babbling, lip smacking perfect little eight month old daughter. one that looks at me & says 'bwabwabwabwa' in a dramatic stage whisper. if you told me this just 2 years ago at this time i wouldn't have known whether i could believe in it or not. 2 years ago at this time i was in the throes of ever-hopeful,ever-crushing ttc. before we went to the re. before we got any testing or any semblance of cycling going on. we had been trying on our own for over a year & i was worn out. our marriage had taken it's fair share of hits along the way & life in general was a series of things to get through, not something to revel in & live.

last year was about waiting. enjoying the moment before it all began. being grateful to be pregnant, but anxious to meet our girl. wondering if everything would be ok & what she would look like, be like. wondering if family dynamics would ever be the same & how the hub & i could be parents & partners.

this year has not been easy- in fact we have faced more challenges this year than ever before. from a feud (viscious at times) with a family member, to an audit right before pumpkin was born, a long labor & even longer recovery, a visit to the hospital at 4 days old, layoffs & unemployment, stress & home renovations on no budget... any one of these will challenge a relationship. throw in the stresses of learning to parent & trust in your partners abilities to not only parent- but become the primary caretaker while you work & any relationship gets strained. any person will feel pressure & stress. the challenge is dealing with it effectively & making it all work for you. the hub & i are getting pretty good at rolling with the punches- even the ones that feel like k.o.'s. i have seen the best in us along with the worst & the best far outweighs. i have a partner who literally can fix anything (except old christmas lights) and who has single handedly torn apart & put back together our kitchen (done except the floor & some paint!). he is a patient & loving father. he will be the spoiler who can't say no. he encourages far more than i ever would have thought & is so gentle & sweet with our girl. while i always hoped & thought he would make a good dad- i never expected him to be such an amazing father - especially a stay at home one!

i learned that i am thrifty beyond compare. i can stretch a buck like no one's business & i can teach myself to do things i never would have thought of- like learn how to knit in a weekend so i could make a scarf (requested by my sis for christmas) and then turn that into making sweaters & blankets & being able to give something handmade with love rather than spending money i frankly don't have whenever i want to give a gift. i learned i can live without a lot of things in order to have the things i've learned matter most to me. i've learned i have a much more relaxed parenting style than i would've ever imagined- but there are a handful of things i over-freak out about (fear of pumpkin falling from any height when someone else as here chief among them). i have learned that assvice doesn't phase me- unless someone implies what i am doing is wrong. then i become a momma bear on yo' ass! i have learned i am more confident in myself since having her. i am more outgoing (even if no one else noticed this- it's pretty huge for me!) and i trust my instincts & decisions. i am happiest with the simplest of things- friends & family, a nice glass of red wine & relaxing after a long day of work. this time of year used to be my hands down favorite. then for a few years it became a time of dread. it's hard to forget that feeling & i honestly hope i never do. i am thankful (in retrospect) for every step of this journey- even the ones i never thought i'd be strong enough to take. the ones where i was sure i would fall & not be able to get back up- i am grateful i had to take them to make me stronger & better. and if even one step missed along the way meant that i wouldn't be here watching this perfect child suck her perfect thumb... then i am so glad i had to take them all.

thank you. in this season of reflection, family & celebration, thank you for my dream come true.