properly

yesterday was a big day for many reasons. the first & foremost being the aforementioned first toddling steps into full mobility for my little pumpkin.
we were sitting at the coffee table eating cheerios- well, i was sitting, she was standing & picking up cheerios. then she grabbed the entire baggy & attempted to continue eating. through the bag. i pried it out of her hands & showed her how opening the bag is so much better than eating plastic. she thought this was the most awesome thing on the planet & reached her little hands in to grab some out herself. (an aside- will it ever get old watching her do things for herself- i am still a little amazed every time)
i had a flash of brilliance & kept moving myself & the bag a little each time she went for another reach in. soon enough she was finally standing far enough from the table to not be able to hold on to move & close enough to me that taking two steps was the logical choice. she reached into the bag, grabbed another cheerio & threw herself into my arms as i laughed hysterically- completely overcome that my child had done the most amazing & wonderful thing anyone could imagine. she took the first scary steps with a confidence & glee that i hope she brings to every challenge she faces. she then also proceeded to laugh hysterically- another wonderfully amazing thing!

yesterday also had me coming full circle to the anniversary of an event that sparked the whole quest to have a child- to get pregnant. three years ago yesterday i woke up feeling a little ill. went to work & proceeded to feel progressively worse until i had to leave at 10 am (just after getting started on a very cool project) on my ride home i went from ill to really fucking scary pain shooting through me at regular intervals making me grip the steering wheel screaming in pain. finally at 4 in the afternoon the hub was home & forced me into the car to the hospital where i waited in the er waiting room passing out on the chairs. as i was finally getting my info taken i threw up right at the window- they brought me back in short order. they got me some blissful pain medication & got me admitted. after much testing i was told i had a massively infected kidney & was started on mega-antibiotics. the next morning they warned me that if the infection didn't go down/get better soon they may have to bring me in for a procedure to place a stent so it could drain. a half hour later they were back to prep me for said procedure since whatever lab came back screaming 'hey- this chica is septic'. i was only able to call the hub quickly & let him know as they wheeled me down.
after this ordeal i faced my mortality big time. i was probably very close to death (not so close he was hovering over me- but i could make him out in the background) had i not actually gone into the hospital the infection would have spread very quickly. going through this experience made me want to go through a life- giving one. i wanted children. i didn't want to wait for something else to happen & i wanted to experience pregnancy. i was scared of passing a possible congenital defect on to my kids- but research showed that what i had is currently able to be diagnosed in utero & treated before a year with a 98% chance of full & normal kidney function. mine was undiagnosed for 26 years and slowly my kidney just died. i still have a fully functioning 'super kidney' (docs own words!) that does the job & then some. this experience made me itchy to start trying to conceive & sparked it all. without going through this i may never have gotten this particular happy, exciting, wonderful & amazing little girl. and i am thankful that the worst pain i ever lived through brought me to the most joy i ever thought possible.