getting there with a little help from my friends

i do feel better today. i had acupuncture tonight & brought all my charts again for her to keep- she was so excited about this last one. she did say that she could see how that would make it harder, that a chart difference like that can get your hopes up. she told me not to get too down and that i still have time on my side. which i do know, but believe me- it doesn't feel that way from this side. i know she means so well & i do really like her- even she was pulling for me this month! if good intentions could get you pregnant you all would have me there!

i really appreciate all the kind words- i can not even express how much it helps to see that "comment needs moderation" e-mail. each one makes me feel less alone, each one of you makes me feel validated in feeling so down about this, and oddly enough- that makes it go away quicker. strange, huh?

i had to call today with my day one- even though i have no chance of doing anything with my clinic for at least another month. the nurse was very sweet & let me know i could still do the clo.mid with blood tests, for around $300 (there's an ultrasound in there somewhere) i let her know that i would rather save up & wait a little longer & get the full experience. for the extra $700 i get constant monitoring & blood draws, as well as the medication. (at least i learned that!) if i am going to pay that much for a test/chance i want it to be the best i can get. and that means no leaving us to our own devices in terms of timing. i want to know 'to the hour' when that sucker is gonna pop. my re claims he can tell... we'll put him to the test. eventually. i even said i wanted to get more 'bang for my buck' which cracked up my nurse. i of course hadn't even thought of that when i said it- but it was nice that my clinic has a sense of humor!

in the meantime- i really do feel better overall about the acupuncture actually doing something. i really did see a big difference in the pattern of my chart this month- especially so as i was flipping through them with my acupuncturist tonight. i feel good that i am not as drained as i usually am with my period & the cramps are pretty nonexistent. i am slightly glad that i was able to have as much hope as i did this month. you know my love/hate with that bitch. she's irrepressible- no matter how hard i try i will always have hope that we did it.

all in all- not too bad for day 2 of cycle 19. the only dark spot to my day was seeing that silly daily tarot card thing in my e-mail. talk about irony:
The World card suggests that my alter ego is The Conqueror, whose superpower lies in graduation to the next level. Today I am free. I have accomplished my mission and feel on top of the world. I will enjoy the experience to its fullest. I have come full circle on my path to success. My job is done, my dream fulfilled, and I have them eating out of my hands. Accept and embrace the journey taken. It has served great purpose in my growing wiser and stronger, and has provided a sense of relief in that now it's complete.

just waiting around

this weekend is all about doing nothing & waiting around. the hub gets paid on friday & we are definitely still adjusting to the 2x a month paycheck. i'm broke until then too so all i can do is sit around the house.

i am supposed to paint a hallway, but i am a really terrible painter. i know what colors to pick & how to tell people to design their spaces, but you put roller in my hand & i lose all coordination. the hub was supposed to tape off the wall to help me, but he's out on a charity bike ride today. i am debating whether i will attempt on my own or push it off yet again.

my herbs & acupuncture definitely seem to be working. my temperatures have a distinctly different pattern this month- nice & high without the jagged drops & rises after ovulation. i almost hate seeing it because it makes it harder to not have hope. hope is an evil bitch & i want her no where near me. i see daily reminders of the life that i want- yet don't have. having hope just makes the end so much more crushing. i keep trying to tel myself that there is no way that this month will be any different from last month, or any of the other 17 times we have tried to make a baby. but this one is different despite my best efforts. i can see a difference in the data i collect every morning. that doesn't mean anything about the outcome being different- and that is what i have to keep reminding myself. or else hope will definitely take over this one & run wild. and my poor heart can't take that.

*update- painting did not happen- the hub hurt his back & i really am not qualified to tackle the whole thing on my own.
i also am quickly becoming convinced that this is dfinitely not the month for me. isn't that sad at 5dpo? i don't know why- i just know it's not in the cards for me. i am really starting to think it may not be in the cards at all. which makes me cry because i have no reason. no reason to think this & no reason why we can't get pregnant. but i am really starting to think we won't.

finally- complete with drama

houston- we have positive opk. because it's me, this wouldn't be a post without chart drama.
on saturday i forgot to opk. i was hanging out with the neighbors, drinking my herbs, gardening, drinking a beer, cooking & all of a sudden i look at the clock- right after a pee break no less- and it's 6 pm. my normal opk time! shit.

stop drinking, wait 2 hours, opk is darker than any of the others were & next morning temp jumps. still up the day after & sunday's opk is lighter again. so i thought the miraculous had happened & i actually had a day 15 ovulation. pretty fucking great considering timing was awesome- once on day 14 & (drum roll please) twice on day 16. i go to acupuncture & brag my ass off about how great it is to ovulate at a 'normal' point in my cycle. i am so convinced that i switch to the ovulation formula of herbs that i am to take for three days starting with the day of ovulation. the formula that smells surprisingly good like cinnamon, but tastes deceptively like dirt.
-oh & acupuncture was actually pretty awesome- i got a heat lamp over my belly at first- and then over my cold cold tootsies. i had more points than i ever have before (not sure if this is good) and as she was pushing the points i could really feel the difference between the ones she wanted to stimulate & the ones that were okay. i also got a few ear points & a bunch of foot points- the one right in the toe was the only time i have ever felt the needle beyond just the initial placement. not painful, just uncomfortable.

then yesterday i decide to take one last opk for shits & giggles. it takes about 5 minutes for me to actually be able to read it. so i forget about it as we have ten tons of shit to do. read the opk this morning & holy shit! positive- with a deep temp drop to boot. do i get to take advantage of it- no. the hub is out of state. with literally no time for a morning quicky. he returns tomorrow night but i fear that will be too late. plus- i am on day 18 today, if i actually ovulate tomorrow (day 19, duh) it will be better for timing, but not make me feel better about my ovulation actually happening sooner. at least day 18 is the earlier side of my normal.

i guess my ecstatic joy in seeing actual changes in my cycle after only one month of acupuncture were slightly jumping the gun. i do think i am responding, but i thought i had seen a minor ovulatory miracle. oh well. maybe next time. because i am 98.6% sure that there will be a next time.

now- the big question is do i keep taking the ovulation formula for the next two days, or switch to the luteal phase formula... off to e-mail the doc!

still here, still not much going on

i'm kind of figuring out good methods for the herbal supplements i'm taking. my morning does is the worst as putting it in tea is too harsh on my stomach without food. i put it in boiling water & add a little honey. it's almost palatable, it kind of tastes like a really gritty herbal tea made with some kind of grass.
afternoon & evenings i have down though- i premix a dose with boiling hot green tea & a smidge of honey (i really need a little sweet - that whole spoonful of sugar thing) in a water bottle & let it sit for a few hours. the herbs get absorbed pretty well & if i drink it with a meal it's pretty much like drinking room temperature tea. any gritty shit at the bottom gets a splash of water & chugged. so far so good.

i think that if i can go off my usual signs & the increasingly darker (but not positive yet) OPK's that I will most likely ovulate sometime around monday. which for me- at day 17- would be relatively early. and a marked improvement. the hub has been on board with our schedule- i really want there to be no second guesses this month. if all goes well we can hopefully move on with the RE for my july cycle, but that will be about 4 months of acupuncture & a solid 2 months of herbs. which i figure is a fair shot. and while i am willing (obviously) to do a lot of things i never thought i would to have a baby, i really want us to be able to just get pregnant.
mother's day is looming & this is my second one while trying. the first one was harder in a way because the preconceived notions i had of the 'wham bam, now you're pregnant' timing was obviously wrong. it was around the time when i figured i am just not like most of the women i know (including much of my family) and could possibly have a problem.
this year i know that we have no problem, at least not one anyone can diagnose. and with the acupuncture i am trying to be hopeful that it is a possibility, it's just taking a long time & maybe we haven't hit on that magical combo of what works for us.
but on the other hand- there is a desperation, a fear, and a sadness i just can't shake as i imagine that next year i will still be in this same place. what if my hope is baseless. what if i long for something that just isn't in my destiny.what if this shit doesn't work & we spend thousands of dollars (easy to do when one IUI cycle with clo.mid will probably cost us about $1400) and still end up at the same place. what if this is my life...

i am not ready to even think of living childfree as a possibility & the thought of another year of trying & then waiting a few more years to save up for adoption, well- it doesn't make not being a mother tomorrow any easier. so i am trying very hard not to think about it, to just enjoy my day with the hub, & drink some good beer. because i still can dammit. who needs cute handwritten cards or flowers proclaiming your perfection as a mother anyway... i do, i do, please oh please let me have that.

for all the mommies & mommies to be this year- enjoy your day- you certainly do deserve it, but don't mind me if i can't enjoy it with you, maybe next year.

updated- i updated my look today. trying to get a little more cheerful on my blog so it will hopefully rub off on me a little.

paging cheech

i got my acupuncture herbs today. my tcm doc thinks that my different period & slightly elevated temps are great signs that the acupuncture alone is working. she actually said she's a little surprised that i am seeing changes so quickly & that acupuncture with the herbs should get me on track in no time. for me- just seeing these little changes is enough to keep me going with this- especially since i really can't afford the next step at the re ($1000 cycles & whatnot). i can afford the acupuncture & these herbs should last at least two cycles. hopefully i don't need them that long though. (haha!- wishful thinking, huh)

so i had my first 'dose' tonight & i was expecting something much worse, much more bitter. apparently my herbs are all a little on the sweet sides with no bitter- think licorice & cinnamon. i made a tea & it was just a little yeasty, not much actual flavor. the worst part though was the end because the herbs are powdered & it got gritty. I may have used too little water i guess- i'm taking them 3x a day, so i'll figure a good method out.

i've also been noticed some of my pre-fertile phase signs a little earlier than usual this cycle- i am going to start opk's tomorrow (day 13) instead of day 16 or so. i tend to get a positive the day before & the day of ovulation, so i stocked up & have 9 pee-sticks. i should be good to go.

let's just hope the hub is ready...