so- this will be a very embarrassing little post full of way too much info about me. fair warning!
i am a quirky girl & there are many things i do that when i think about telling someone, i think- that might be weird- how do i even explain that? this is one of them. last night i was sitting on the toilet (no- not actively doing anything, just peed) & i was plucking my eyebrows. i come from mega hairy stock & the plucking is pretty much a daily to every other day event. the weird thing is that i find it relaxing... don't judge! it's 5 minutes i can sneak to myself. is that sad or what?
okay- so i am sitting on the toilet plucking & i get curious. what does it all look like...there? so i look. now- a- i am still sitting on the toilet- so there's a weird angle. and b- i am using a freaking magnifying mirror as that is all i have. so i see some weird looking shit. and i think to myself- hmm, that's funny. usually i can only see the one hole, now i see 2. that must mean that this 2nd hole i see is the one that should be tucked up nice & neat & inside, right?! proceed to freakout & consult dr. go.ogle to decide i now have a prolap.sed ute. begin obsessive amount of keg.els & refuse to pick up pumpkin as i cry to the hub about not wanting (or really being able to afford) surgery- however minor.
after searching through the images on google (not a good idea, by the way- there is some nasty nasty shit on that there inter-net!) i go back upstairs at bedtime & decide to check again. do much more thorough investigation & determine that something is really really off as the good ole cervix is still right where i remember leaving it. now am very confused & get all up in there with the (magnifying) mirror. i have now determined that what i thought was definitely a prolapsed ute is most definitely not & is merely the ure.thra nicely stretched down & now visible due to my recent & intense labor & delivery. or it could be totally normal after childbirth to now be able to really see all your bits & pieces. i mean- they do warn you about incontinence, but i guess no one thinks to mention that can get all stretchy too!
i am chalking this up to yet another thing they really should fucking tell you about giving birth because you might just freak out one day when you check things out for yourself.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
and now the calm
for the last 2 weeks we have only had 2 nights where it was the hub, the little girl & i on our own. the sunday we came home from the hospital - which was a little rough as we had the 2 pups & the cat to acclimate to the new baby. and a long night of getting used to baby noises & feeding & changing. then the in-laws came for a few days which coincided with our hospital stay #2. once we got home from that we had one thursday night together & then my parents came for the weekend & my mom stayed for the week.
now- i love my mom & she is awesome with the baby & cooks & bakes like a madwoman. which is good because we feast, but we also eat like we never do normally so that means too stuffed, a lot of calories & not a little discomfort with the intestines. plus- while i do love & appreciate all that she does- she does not clean up after herself. i can see her point in that she was doing all the cooking, but typically when i cook i clean up as i go & i try very hard to keep the kitchen clean. she does not. it got a little tough towards the end of the week as every single day the dishwasher was running at least once- sometimes twice a day. we usually only have it running twice a week. it's a small pet peeve, but with very little sleep it becomes a big annoyance to both the hub & i. i will miss her being here now that she is gone & i really do wish my parents were closer so we could visit more often.
last night a friend of the hub's came over to see the baby with his girlfriend. i ended up in a totally foul mood by the end of the night. my sister & i had caiden at the mall for a few hours yesterday- long enough to feed her twice while out. they stopped by right at dinner time- unannounced. irritant #1. who just pops by a house with a 2 week old?
then the girlfriend proceeds to tell me:
- that i need to keep the dogs away from the baby because she'll inhale the dander & get horrible asthma & possibly die. (um- thanks, but prominent medical journals & studies have disagreed with you on that one...)
- that i am spoiling my baby by letting her be held while she's sleeping. i need to put her down & let her cry.
- that when my baby is fussy because she's gassy that i shouldn't be rocking her because she never rocked her babies & they are just fine.
then she proceeded to eat half our dinner & hang out for over an hour & a half while i had to go upstairs to feed my crying fussy baby. that i apparently am spoiling. i was so livid & fed up with being insulted that i tried to give the hub the hint to get them the hell out of there, which he did- but by going with them to fix his friend's computer. which meant that he was gone for over an hour & a half. annoying me even more.
my aunt & uncle stopped by with their granddaughter last night too, but after the day we had she was very fussy & couldn't calm down. which meant we cluster fed a lot while the rest of my family got to visit together. i know this isn't entirely the girlfriend's fault, but i still blame her anyway. if she hadn't been there & upset me at first then maybe caiden wouldn't have been overstimulated & maybe we all would have had a better night.
as it was my sister & brother-in-law are still here for another night & my sis took the baby this morning so i could sleep. which was awesome. then we had a nice lazy day & got dressed around 3:30 for our big outing of a walk to the ice cream stand. she is still sacked out in her carseat because she loves the stroller so much it put her completely out & i couldn't bear to wake her up to take her out.
i have started pumping- but i am starting nice & slow. i am doing one side one time a day while i feed her. so far 2 pump sessions have yielded almost 4 ounces. so i am stoked about that. we are also going to try to alter how we feed to see if it helps with her fussy/gassy sessions. i think i have been pretty much doing it backwards by letting her eat for about 10 mins on the first side & then as long as she wants on #2. i am reversing that & giving full access to #1 & then what she wants on #2. i honestly didn't know about the fore/hindmilk thing until today.
well- it's time for princess piggy to eat again, so here's to getting it right!
now- i love my mom & she is awesome with the baby & cooks & bakes like a madwoman. which is good because we feast, but we also eat like we never do normally so that means too stuffed, a lot of calories & not a little discomfort with the intestines. plus- while i do love & appreciate all that she does- she does not clean up after herself. i can see her point in that she was doing all the cooking, but typically when i cook i clean up as i go & i try very hard to keep the kitchen clean. she does not. it got a little tough towards the end of the week as every single day the dishwasher was running at least once- sometimes twice a day. we usually only have it running twice a week. it's a small pet peeve, but with very little sleep it becomes a big annoyance to both the hub & i. i will miss her being here now that she is gone & i really do wish my parents were closer so we could visit more often.
last night a friend of the hub's came over to see the baby with his girlfriend. i ended up in a totally foul mood by the end of the night. my sister & i had caiden at the mall for a few hours yesterday- long enough to feed her twice while out. they stopped by right at dinner time- unannounced. irritant #1. who just pops by a house with a 2 week old?
then the girlfriend proceeds to tell me:
- that i need to keep the dogs away from the baby because she'll inhale the dander & get horrible asthma & possibly die. (um- thanks, but prominent medical journals & studies have disagreed with you on that one...)
- that i am spoiling my baby by letting her be held while she's sleeping. i need to put her down & let her cry.
- that when my baby is fussy because she's gassy that i shouldn't be rocking her because she never rocked her babies & they are just fine.
then she proceeded to eat half our dinner & hang out for over an hour & a half while i had to go upstairs to feed my crying fussy baby. that i apparently am spoiling. i was so livid & fed up with being insulted that i tried to give the hub the hint to get them the hell out of there, which he did- but by going with them to fix his friend's computer. which meant that he was gone for over an hour & a half. annoying me even more.
my aunt & uncle stopped by with their granddaughter last night too, but after the day we had she was very fussy & couldn't calm down. which meant we cluster fed a lot while the rest of my family got to visit together. i know this isn't entirely the girlfriend's fault, but i still blame her anyway. if she hadn't been there & upset me at first then maybe caiden wouldn't have been overstimulated & maybe we all would have had a better night.
as it was my sister & brother-in-law are still here for another night & my sis took the baby this morning so i could sleep. which was awesome. then we had a nice lazy day & got dressed around 3:30 for our big outing of a walk to the ice cream stand. she is still sacked out in her carseat because she loves the stroller so much it put her completely out & i couldn't bear to wake her up to take her out.
i have started pumping- but i am starting nice & slow. i am doing one side one time a day while i feed her. so far 2 pump sessions have yielded almost 4 ounces. so i am stoked about that. we are also going to try to alter how we feed to see if it helps with her fussy/gassy sessions. i think i have been pretty much doing it backwards by letting her eat for about 10 mins on the first side & then as long as she wants on #2. i am reversing that & giving full access to #1 & then what she wants on #2. i honestly didn't know about the fore/hindmilk thing until today.
well- it's time for princess piggy to eat again, so here's to getting it right!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
feeling more ready
so- after my internal this week & finding out i was 1 cm i then proceeded to lose the plug. (i know- starting off gross & graphic...) that combined with the mild cramping i was getting in the evenings & the lower back ache i had all thursday night got me just a might bit panicked. i know that 1 cm isn't really anything & you can be up to 3 cm for weeks. i also know that losing the plug doesn't mean much in the way of timing either. but i am fairly well in-tune with my body & i am pretty sure something is going on. it's not labor or early labor or anything like that- but i feel like i am prepping. she's farther down- i can definitely tell that! but not fully engaged yet as she still floats back up to push all up on my ribs in certain positions at night. but right this second she's practically all bunched up in my lap! i am officially 36 weeks today (i look like ass right now, but i'll post a pic later) and i really think she will be an early girl.
here's the thing though- i don't want her to be! i want to stay pregnant & be able to protect her & carry her around everywhere (much easier now!) i love feeling her move & flutter & even the pushes & kicks to the ribs make me overwhelmingly happy. i know i will be even more thrilled to actually meet her, but seeing as this could possibly be my only time pregnant- i want to savor it. i have really enjoyed pregnancy. sure- a few bumps here & there with morning sickness & my stupid docs freaking me out about minimal weight gain. but overall- i have loved actually being pregnant. that said- this is probably one of the most stressfull times in my life. i am coming off of 2 really tough years between surgery for my kidney, the hub's shop opening & closing & all the fall out & brokeness in between, the struggle to get pregnant at all, the renovations to the house and now the shitty economy, not knowing how i can afford time off for leave, not knowing how to afford daycare, etc. sure- a lot has been figured out, but a lot has also been dumped on us like freight trains. (oh- and the whole in-law thing which i can't even think about again because it gets me so upset- everything seems to be patched up now- but you can see the patches, it's not like before)
i love this time period in my life because of my little miracle, yet i hate it for all the struggle it means. i know that's all part of being a grown-up, but i sometimes wish i could just hide away with my big ole belly & just have it be us with no outside world for a while. i don't want bills & accounting & jobs & people to find us. i just want to curl up & be with my girl for a while until everything else goes away. wouldn't that be nice?
whew- i really do have a lot of pent up stress. i am trying to not let it affect me because like i said- i don't want her to be early! (now- i don't mind 3 days which is april fool's because it would just fit us really well, but that's it!)
part of my stress is not feeling like we have enough ready. just in case she is more than a few days early i would like to not feel like i have to scramble to get stuff done. so today is preparedness day. well- we really started last night. the hub & i set up the packnplay:
then my neighbor came over & we put together the travel system. (still need to install the base into the car- but that will be very easily done):
then today i set up the swing & bouncer (all by myself- i was so 
proud)
:
today the hub is supposed to finish painting the trim. it was supposed to be done last weekend. he has a lot of the same stress as me, but won't let me do these things to finish up the room. not because i'm not allowed to paint- but because it involves moving some of the furniture that has already been put in there & somewhat because of all these little signs i've been seeing this week have him a little freaked out too.
once the trim is done we can set up the nursery properly. we have pretty much everything this girl needs. i am going out later today with my neighbor (because she also freaked out & doens't want me shopping alone. ridiculous, but i like the company) for the last minute list. things like sheets for the cradle, some things for the hospital- magazines, little snacks for the hub & me after, slippers which i realized i don't even own. i would like to get a roman shade for the nursery & 2 picture frames, but they aren't neccessities. i actually have a little tiny bit of extra money from the refi, which i know i will not have again for a very long time. so i want to spend it on these last little things (and keep a little aside for a good breast pump & some nursing bras once i know what size i need) but a lot of me is debating & saying that we are pretty set & should just save it for the next shoe that drops on our heads. and i know there will be another one.
i really need to learn how to splurge. i am very good with a budget & i never go overboard, but i also end up denying myself (or the hub or the house) something that could be really useful or nice. for instance- we have almost no decoration in our house. yes- i am a designer & i painted the house well- lots of interest on the walls. but very little in the way of candles, or flowers, or freaking photos! i tried to remedy that a little for the shower & got some done, but it would be nice to have her room have some decoration to it. some personalization. i have 2 cute prints that i need to get frames for & then i want to get a cluster of small frames for the other side of the room to put black & white photos of her in. newborn, 2 months, 4 months, etc. i also want to get a decal with her name for over the crib. i would like to feel like her room is at least done.
ah- have to walk the puppies & take advantage of a beautiful sunny day. hopefully that lifts my spirits a little & then a baby centric shopping spree & packing my hospital bag can take care of the rest. i'll post my 36 week pic later today after i clean myself up a little better from my assembly & cleaning spree this morning.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
trying
well- i finally heard about my maternity leave yesterday. let's just say i feel a little sucker punched. even including 2 weeks of my vacation, i have 6 weeks. only 5 really paid. now- i do understand that i am not required to have any paid leave. but i did think that s.t. disab. (i can not write that as initials, lol!) would cover part & then i would just need to figure out maybe 3 or 4 weeks of it. taking the full twelve. now i am looking at 7 weeks unpaid and i just can't afford that. knowing- or at least seeing- that every other woman in the office was able to take pretty much a full 12 weeks, i absolutely 100% can not live with myself for going back to work after 6 weeks. she will just be too young- hell, most day cares in my area don't even take infants younger than 12 weeks! besides- that is barely enough time to establish breastfeeding well- hopefully- and it certainly doesn't feel like enough time to then add in a few bottle feedings & pumping sessions throughout the day. i know at least the first week and possibly the second is just gone to hospital, visits from friends & family, and just getting used to having given birth, much less getting used to parenting! that would leave me a single month to get everything in order to get her started in daycare and get me back to work. i wouldn't even have my post-partum appointment until i was back at work! how can i be cleared for a 10 hour day, but not for sex?
the only thing i can do is wait & see now. maybe the s.t. does cover something (but i can't count on it). maybe the economy will pick up & i can miraculously work something else out just in time (this one's hysterical!). maybe (most likely) my refi will actually happen the way it looks on paper & i will be able to squeeze the 'extra' income into another month off. i crunched some numbers last night & as long as we don't have to buy anything big for the baby, we might just be able to do it. but there are a lot of 'mights' in this equation. i really want to be able to be home with her for as long as possible. but why does it always feel like we are starting off at the bottom of a huge hill? it feels like if something can be stacked against us- it will. sure- i will tackle it & figure it out & find a way- my little girl's life is too important & i know in my heart that i would hate & resent myself for not figuring out a way to get as much time as possible to start her life off the right way.
this does of course mean that i am not giving a date that i am leaving. i will work until my water breaks, i get contractions, or the doctor tells me not to. i can't afford to waste even a few days at home waiting around. they are just too precious & short & hard earned.
yesterday was pretty hard. if i had been expecting to hear only 6 weeks it would have been much easier. but i was honestly expecting to hear that 6 weeks was covered, then i could use my vacation for 2, and then what could we figure out for the rest- best case they would pay for 2 & i would take 2 unpaid. that would have been ideal & not undoable (especially since they generously offered to pay for 3) that was honestly what i expected & perhaps it was naive of me to think my little company (less than 50 employees) would automatically have the coverage needed for that scenario. i was even prepared to come back at 10 weeks if they couldn't pay me anything. but i certainly wasn't expecting that we get nothing at all from s.t. i have always thought that was what it's there for. everything i have heard & read about it reinforced this. not having a written policy to look at just made assumptions turn to fact in my mind & yesterday i felt... well- i felt so cheated. knowing that yes- the economy does really suck right now- i know it's not my bosses fault. but i should have known long before this not to count on coverage we don't have. that way i could have planned better. we could have tried this refi sooner and been able to buy more stuff we need for her. i may not have a crib when she's born. or be able to afford one before i go back to work. i certainly won't have a pack & play, or bouncer, or swing, or wipes warmer, or any of those little things unless i get generous gifts. i am of course getting way ahead of myself, but if i prepare myself for the worst- i am much better at handling it when it comes. which is why i was so ill-prepared for yesterday!
i will hopefully know about the refi by next week. then i can let them know how much more unpaid time i am taking. i wish it could be the full 12, but i may be lucky to be able to get to 10.
the only thing i can do is wait & see now. maybe the s.t. does cover something (but i can't count on it). maybe the economy will pick up & i can miraculously work something else out just in time (this one's hysterical!). maybe (most likely) my refi will actually happen the way it looks on paper & i will be able to squeeze the 'extra' income into another month off. i crunched some numbers last night & as long as we don't have to buy anything big for the baby, we might just be able to do it. but there are a lot of 'mights' in this equation. i really want to be able to be home with her for as long as possible. but why does it always feel like we are starting off at the bottom of a huge hill? it feels like if something can be stacked against us- it will. sure- i will tackle it & figure it out & find a way- my little girl's life is too important & i know in my heart that i would hate & resent myself for not figuring out a way to get as much time as possible to start her life off the right way.
this does of course mean that i am not giving a date that i am leaving. i will work until my water breaks, i get contractions, or the doctor tells me not to. i can't afford to waste even a few days at home waiting around. they are just too precious & short & hard earned.
yesterday was pretty hard. if i had been expecting to hear only 6 weeks it would have been much easier. but i was honestly expecting to hear that 6 weeks was covered, then i could use my vacation for 2, and then what could we figure out for the rest- best case they would pay for 2 & i would take 2 unpaid. that would have been ideal & not undoable (especially since they generously offered to pay for 3) that was honestly what i expected & perhaps it was naive of me to think my little company (less than 50 employees) would automatically have the coverage needed for that scenario. i was even prepared to come back at 10 weeks if they couldn't pay me anything. but i certainly wasn't expecting that we get nothing at all from s.t. i have always thought that was what it's there for. everything i have heard & read about it reinforced this. not having a written policy to look at just made assumptions turn to fact in my mind & yesterday i felt... well- i felt so cheated. knowing that yes- the economy does really suck right now- i know it's not my bosses fault. but i should have known long before this not to count on coverage we don't have. that way i could have planned better. we could have tried this refi sooner and been able to buy more stuff we need for her. i may not have a crib when she's born. or be able to afford one before i go back to work. i certainly won't have a pack & play, or bouncer, or swing, or wipes warmer, or any of those little things unless i get generous gifts. i am of course getting way ahead of myself, but if i prepare myself for the worst- i am much better at handling it when it comes. which is why i was so ill-prepared for yesterday!
i will hopefully know about the refi by next week. then i can let them know how much more unpaid time i am taking. i wish it could be the full 12, but i may be lucky to be able to get to 10.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
insomnia
this is normal- right? at 26 weeks i can not stay asleep. i get tired & go to bed just fine. i don't know if i am tossing & turning or if something wakes me up- but 3-4 every morning i at least wake up. every night before this i have fallen back asleep. tonight i am wide awake- so here i am...
i do have a lot on my mind- this is definitely 4 am rambling- so be warned!
- i am bringing a person into the world- which is scary in & of itself.
-i still don't know about maternity leave. i don't know what is paid vs unpaid. i was hoping for no unpaid since there was no raise this year & probably not one next year either.
-we still need to finish the kitchen, but since it is all pretty physical stuff i really can't help the hub too much (he wouldn't let me even if it was stuff i felt comfortable doing) and since he works 6 days a week he really only has 13 days left to get stuff done.
-i have no clue about daycare.
-i don't know what is going on or will go on with the in-laws. there are some health problems in the hub's family & since we are essentially cut off (long long story & the hub's decision which i can not really get into or change) who knows who is doing okay & who has gotten worse.
-i haven't heard from my friend who was supposed to be planning my shower in weeks. i don't care if she doesn't do it, but this may be my only pregnancy- i really do kind of want a shower. i am basically stepping in to help another friend plan it, but now i am freaking out that there is only 3-1/2 months left & no invitations have been sent out, much less any actual planning done. (i never wanted my shower to be a surprise, and i guess if i did then it really would be!) i don't need a shower- we would definitely figure out how to get all the stuff we need, but it would be really nice to be able to pay down more bills if we didn't have to buy the crib (or whatever). besides all that- i am worried about my friend. i know she is off for winter break since she's a teacher & she hasn't gotten back to me through any venue. she's had a really rough year & i worry about her.
-it's taking forever to finish the nursery. that whole 13 days thing means that at least 2 of them need to be spent installing trim (the hub won't let me do since he's a perfectionist) and installing carpet. the carpet should be a simple 30 minute thing since our neighbor who does it for a living offered to do it. but we needed to finish painting first & i did the final touchup last night.
-i am getting more & more annoyed with people in general. well- not in general- ignorant rude people. last night i tried to upgrade my phone. i have known for over a month which phone i wanted & how much it should be. it's the same exact one as the hub's- only a different color. we got a rebate on his phone & it was less than 2 months ago- i was still eligible for the same deal. the first store i went to- as soon as i walked in i had bad experience flashing warnings before my eyes. the 'associate' (aka raging bitch who hates her crappy phone sales job) was a little short in directing me to her register- didn't walk over to see what we wanted- just kind of pushed us to her. then when i spelled out precisely what i wanted- she goes back to get my phone- comes back & says 'you wanted black, right?' when i clearly said that i wanted the white one. she got a little more attitude when i said that if they didn't have a white one i would just go to a different store. another 10 minutes & she finds one. starts the transaction & says 'you know about the $30 pda package you have to get?' i said- no, in fact i didn't & i didn't want it as we didn't need it for the last phone in october & i wasn't going to pay $30 a month for something i wasn't going to use, plus when i went online to find the phone & my eligibility it had nothing about that being required. then the shit hits the fan. full of ghetto attitude she says something to the effect of 'well- then just buy it online then. i'm just doing my job'. now- i'm 6 months pregnant & can get a little cranky quickly these days. i do find myself saying things i would have previously kept to myself- but i told her 'no- you aren't' i get a 'yes i am' complete with head shake & eye roll. i then say- well, you are doing it badly. i go to walk out & i hear 'well- you're a bad customer'. i worked retail from the time i was 15 years old. the one thing i learned was that the customer is always right- even when you go in the back & bitch them out for 10 minutes straight- you still walk up to them with a fucking smile. employ the 'nice bitch' technique if you have to, but you never insult a customer. especially when you work on commission & a guaranteed sale is plopped down in front of you & all you have to do is be nice! i whipped back around so quickly & said 'excuse me?'
-'you heard me'
-'what is your name?' then look at name tag
-'yolanda (or something- i was too angry to remember it for long)- do you want to speak with my manager?' then i get a 'you don't talk to me like that' as she storms off to the back to get the manager. ha!
finally the manager came out- i explained what happened- i employed the nice bitch. hell- i even pulled out the 'who talks to a customer like that? much less- who talks to a pregnant customer like that?' below the belt, yes. unnecessary, of course! satisfying- you betcha!
i of course got nothing from it- just a promise that she must not have known about that particular promotion ending at 3pm today & that he would talk to her later. it's not like i need to go back there. after a trip to another store (these are dedicated corporate stores by the way- no be/st buys or circ.uit cities) that yielded a different price & the same bs $30 plan requirement i called the company directly. i got my phone. free shipping. here on friday. the price i wanted. the only downside is they didn't have white- only blue. oh well- for free shipping & an end to the bad service i took it.
-then since we were starving & in the mall we went to a ruby tue.sday's. i was actually looking forward to one of the things on the menu too. our waitress walks up- no hello, just 'what do you want to drink?' the hub is great- he says 'hi' & pauses. 'hi' again. finally gets a 'hi' back. 'how are you tonight?' (from the hub to the waitress) 'i'm not feeling very good' 'then you shouldn't be at work'. i just looked at him at this point- he knew exactly what i meant as i reached for my coat. 'no thanks- we're good' and off we went.
thankfully we ended on a high note at another restaurant on the way home- great service, yummy food that was at our table super quick. it was more expensive, but i couldn't take yet another sullen grumpy pissed off person in a service position. if your job sucks that much- don't do it. there are thousands of jobs that are just as crappy, that make just as much (or little) money, that don't require you to interact with the public in a customer service capacity. i say all this from experience. i don't know- maybe i was just raised right, but i never was bitchy or unkind to a customer just because my day wasn't the greatest. but living in a city- in a slightly ghetto portion of that city (i say ghetto- but it's really more trashy than ghetto) i expect it, but i'm not happy when i get beat over the head with it.
holy crap- this may be one of my longest posts & it's all bitching about bad customer service! can you tell it's a huge pet peeve?!
tomorrow (well- today really) i just need to get through work & then clean when i get home. the parents are coming to visit for a few days in their traditional post-christmas northeast loop. it will be really nice to see them & get a little spoiled. i have my 1GTT on friday- wish me luck. i think i am up around 2 pounds from my last appointment almost a month ago- which is good since i was pretty sure that 8 pound gain was falsely inflated. this means i am probably hovering around a 14 pound gain- nothing really so quickly as to cause me concern for gest. diab. but stranger things have happened so i am hoping all is well. this is pretty much the last test i have. we don't get any more u/s unless i want to spring for a 3d one. we are still debating that, but i would have to schedule it soon since it's best between 28-32 weeks i hear. still freaked out about the shower thing- which kind of sucks because who freaks out about their own shower? my best friend is stepping up to the plate for it, but she will need my help & she has a lot going on too... sucks. but- if this is the kind of stress i have to deal with to get as 'normal' a pregnancy as i have had- i'll take it with both hands! especially since she is so active that i get to be reassured multiple times a day (and night as she is doing somersaults right now) that she is all good in there- my little kung-fu monkey!
have a wonderful new year's! i for one hope it brings a little sleep- before i get none that is!
i do have a lot on my mind- this is definitely 4 am rambling- so be warned!
- i am bringing a person into the world- which is scary in & of itself.
-i still don't know about maternity leave. i don't know what is paid vs unpaid. i was hoping for no unpaid since there was no raise this year & probably not one next year either.
-we still need to finish the kitchen, but since it is all pretty physical stuff i really can't help the hub too much (he wouldn't let me even if it was stuff i felt comfortable doing) and since he works 6 days a week he really only has 13 days left to get stuff done.
-i have no clue about daycare.
-i don't know what is going on or will go on with the in-laws. there are some health problems in the hub's family & since we are essentially cut off (long long story & the hub's decision which i can not really get into or change) who knows who is doing okay & who has gotten worse.
-i haven't heard from my friend who was supposed to be planning my shower in weeks. i don't care if she doesn't do it, but this may be my only pregnancy- i really do kind of want a shower. i am basically stepping in to help another friend plan it, but now i am freaking out that there is only 3-1/2 months left & no invitations have been sent out, much less any actual planning done. (i never wanted my shower to be a surprise, and i guess if i did then it really would be!) i don't need a shower- we would definitely figure out how to get all the stuff we need, but it would be really nice to be able to pay down more bills if we didn't have to buy the crib (or whatever). besides all that- i am worried about my friend. i know she is off for winter break since she's a teacher & she hasn't gotten back to me through any venue. she's had a really rough year & i worry about her.
-it's taking forever to finish the nursery. that whole 13 days thing means that at least 2 of them need to be spent installing trim (the hub won't let me do since he's a perfectionist) and installing carpet. the carpet should be a simple 30 minute thing since our neighbor who does it for a living offered to do it. but we needed to finish painting first & i did the final touchup last night.
-i am getting more & more annoyed with people in general. well- not in general- ignorant rude people. last night i tried to upgrade my phone. i have known for over a month which phone i wanted & how much it should be. it's the same exact one as the hub's- only a different color. we got a rebate on his phone & it was less than 2 months ago- i was still eligible for the same deal. the first store i went to- as soon as i walked in i had bad experience flashing warnings before my eyes. the 'associate' (aka raging bitch who hates her crappy phone sales job) was a little short in directing me to her register- didn't walk over to see what we wanted- just kind of pushed us to her. then when i spelled out precisely what i wanted- she goes back to get my phone- comes back & says 'you wanted black, right?' when i clearly said that i wanted the white one. she got a little more attitude when i said that if they didn't have a white one i would just go to a different store. another 10 minutes & she finds one. starts the transaction & says 'you know about the $30 pda package you have to get?' i said- no, in fact i didn't & i didn't want it as we didn't need it for the last phone in october & i wasn't going to pay $30 a month for something i wasn't going to use, plus when i went online to find the phone & my eligibility it had nothing about that being required. then the shit hits the fan. full of ghetto attitude she says something to the effect of 'well- then just buy it online then. i'm just doing my job'. now- i'm 6 months pregnant & can get a little cranky quickly these days. i do find myself saying things i would have previously kept to myself- but i told her 'no- you aren't' i get a 'yes i am' complete with head shake & eye roll. i then say- well, you are doing it badly. i go to walk out & i hear 'well- you're a bad customer'. i worked retail from the time i was 15 years old. the one thing i learned was that the customer is always right- even when you go in the back & bitch them out for 10 minutes straight- you still walk up to them with a fucking smile. employ the 'nice bitch' technique if you have to, but you never insult a customer. especially when you work on commission & a guaranteed sale is plopped down in front of you & all you have to do is be nice! i whipped back around so quickly & said 'excuse me?'
-'you heard me'
-'what is your name?' then look at name tag
-'yolanda (or something- i was too angry to remember it for long)- do you want to speak with my manager?' then i get a 'you don't talk to me like that' as she storms off to the back to get the manager. ha!
finally the manager came out- i explained what happened- i employed the nice bitch. hell- i even pulled out the 'who talks to a customer like that? much less- who talks to a pregnant customer like that?' below the belt, yes. unnecessary, of course! satisfying- you betcha!
i of course got nothing from it- just a promise that she must not have known about that particular promotion ending at 3pm today & that he would talk to her later. it's not like i need to go back there. after a trip to another store (these are dedicated corporate stores by the way- no be/st buys or circ.uit cities) that yielded a different price & the same bs $30 plan requirement i called the company directly. i got my phone. free shipping. here on friday. the price i wanted. the only downside is they didn't have white- only blue. oh well- for free shipping & an end to the bad service i took it.
-then since we were starving & in the mall we went to a ruby tue.sday's. i was actually looking forward to one of the things on the menu too. our waitress walks up- no hello, just 'what do you want to drink?' the hub is great- he says 'hi' & pauses. 'hi' again. finally gets a 'hi' back. 'how are you tonight?' (from the hub to the waitress) 'i'm not feeling very good' 'then you shouldn't be at work'. i just looked at him at this point- he knew exactly what i meant as i reached for my coat. 'no thanks- we're good' and off we went.
thankfully we ended on a high note at another restaurant on the way home- great service, yummy food that was at our table super quick. it was more expensive, but i couldn't take yet another sullen grumpy pissed off person in a service position. if your job sucks that much- don't do it. there are thousands of jobs that are just as crappy, that make just as much (or little) money, that don't require you to interact with the public in a customer service capacity. i say all this from experience. i don't know- maybe i was just raised right, but i never was bitchy or unkind to a customer just because my day wasn't the greatest. but living in a city- in a slightly ghetto portion of that city (i say ghetto- but it's really more trashy than ghetto) i expect it, but i'm not happy when i get beat over the head with it.
holy crap- this may be one of my longest posts & it's all bitching about bad customer service! can you tell it's a huge pet peeve?!
tomorrow (well- today really) i just need to get through work & then clean when i get home. the parents are coming to visit for a few days in their traditional post-christmas northeast loop. it will be really nice to see them & get a little spoiled. i have my 1GTT on friday- wish me luck. i think i am up around 2 pounds from my last appointment almost a month ago- which is good since i was pretty sure that 8 pound gain was falsely inflated. this means i am probably hovering around a 14 pound gain- nothing really so quickly as to cause me concern for gest. diab. but stranger things have happened so i am hoping all is well. this is pretty much the last test i have. we don't get any more u/s unless i want to spring for a 3d one. we are still debating that, but i would have to schedule it soon since it's best between 28-32 weeks i hear. still freaked out about the shower thing- which kind of sucks because who freaks out about their own shower? my best friend is stepping up to the plate for it, but she will need my help & she has a lot going on too... sucks. but- if this is the kind of stress i have to deal with to get as 'normal' a pregnancy as i have had- i'll take it with both hands! especially since she is so active that i get to be reassured multiple times a day (and night as she is doing somersaults right now) that she is all good in there- my little kung-fu monkey!
have a wonderful new year's! i for one hope it brings a little sleep- before i get none that is!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
phooey
i am pretty sure i am 1dpo today. the hub has been stressed. when the hub is stressed- all hopes of lovin go out the window. we have a one time shot this month & given the past - oh- 18 tries, i doubt that we are one shot kind of people.
so despite the fact that i actually saw a positive opk on day 16, did my best with drinking green tea, acupuncture, herbs, seduction, etc... i will most likely go on to see cycle 20. not that i was really expecting anything, but it would have been nice to feel like i at least have a shot of being pregnant. i am seeing it all around me- not a day goes by that i don't look at a belly on the street (while i am driving- they jump out at my car- i swear!) see little tiny babies in the store, see another announcement, hear about a new friend of a friend who never even wanted kids but now they are going to be parents. it's draining. it's exhausting, it's depressing, and there is absolutely nothing at all i can do about it.
i am supposed to get my profit sharing this month. with the economy the way it's been it will cover the rest of the cost of a new engine for my car (thankfully the one in there refuses to die, for which i am eternally grateful) with maybe a little left over to pay bills (leftover debt from the year & a half of supporting the hub). if i am lucky i can save $100 towards the c.lomid challenge test. my heart can not take waiting much longer. i think i may have to borrow the money from my sister. (who has offered & offered, but i hesitate to take her money from her)
it's just so frustrating to know that i am stuck here in limbo for who knows how long. we are fine with our day to day stuff (and i know that a few months of serious budgeting will get us back to where we need to be)- but the engine & various other things just kept popping up & draining any little savings away. add to that trying to recover from a really shitty situation with the shop, and throw in the $4+ a gallon gas (which the hub can't just avoid since he DRIVES for work now) and it gets really tough to come up with an extra grand every month to try to have a baby. the irony is i know that we could adjust our budget just fine to support said baby- but it's so difficult to get ourselves to the point where we have enough for 3-4 treatment months in the bank. if i start with IUI's i don't want to do one-wait a few months, & then try again. the thing that pisses me off the most is that we were ready a year and a half ago. we were there. but life just handed us a shitty ass year & now we have to wait even longer just for a shot at getting pregnant. i am months away from turning 29. i was supposed to go through this financial shit when i was just starting out in life. in my master plan i was done having my 2 babies by now. in my image of how my life would be i was a mother by 27. i can accept that things change & life doesn't always work out how we want. but to have the 2007 i had & now have to wait out 2008 & hope that 2009 decides to give me the only thing i want- it's all starting to feel like i am just not going to see it. i really am starting to think that i am just not fated to be a mother. maybe i am paying for a past life- but considering i am a good fucking person with no reason to not get to experience this- it really fucking sucks.
at least feeling this hopeless at the start of the 2ww has it's benefits- i don't have to worry about hope making an experience, or feel that crash in 2 weeks.
-it's not all doom & gloom- i am just so frustrated right now- i'm tired & tired of waiting & just venting. plus- with the pretty significant temp spike i am pretty sure i have a ton of hormones coursing through my system right now.
my best friend from home just called & she will be 30 minutes away at a roller derby bout tonight. so the hub & i will go to that & she may stay over. it sounds like just what i need to take my mind of my pathetic pity party that i can't seem to shake.
*ha, ha, freaking ha- as soon as i hit publish & checked my e-mail- here is my horoscope today:
"Your five-year plan is all set and you're pretty much on schedule, so there's nothing to worry about there. Today, you should bring your focus back to the more immediate future. What are you doing in the next few months? Got anything big planned? If not, then cook something up with your sweetie or best pal. A road trip may be in order -- and if you start setting aside some mad money now, you will have enough to travel in style and splurge on a luxury experience."
i really need to start ignoring this shit. it's spot on- but always opposite.
so despite the fact that i actually saw a positive opk on day 16, did my best with drinking green tea, acupuncture, herbs, seduction, etc... i will most likely go on to see cycle 20. not that i was really expecting anything, but it would have been nice to feel like i at least have a shot of being pregnant. i am seeing it all around me- not a day goes by that i don't look at a belly on the street (while i am driving- they jump out at my car- i swear!) see little tiny babies in the store, see another announcement, hear about a new friend of a friend who never even wanted kids but now they are going to be parents. it's draining. it's exhausting, it's depressing, and there is absolutely nothing at all i can do about it.
i am supposed to get my profit sharing this month. with the economy the way it's been it will cover the rest of the cost of a new engine for my car (thankfully the one in there refuses to die, for which i am eternally grateful) with maybe a little left over to pay bills (leftover debt from the year & a half of supporting the hub). if i am lucky i can save $100 towards the c.lomid challenge test. my heart can not take waiting much longer. i think i may have to borrow the money from my sister. (who has offered & offered, but i hesitate to take her money from her)
it's just so frustrating to know that i am stuck here in limbo for who knows how long. we are fine with our day to day stuff (and i know that a few months of serious budgeting will get us back to where we need to be)- but the engine & various other things just kept popping up & draining any little savings away. add to that trying to recover from a really shitty situation with the shop, and throw in the $4+ a gallon gas (which the hub can't just avoid since he DRIVES for work now) and it gets really tough to come up with an extra grand every month to try to have a baby. the irony is i know that we could adjust our budget just fine to support said baby- but it's so difficult to get ourselves to the point where we have enough for 3-4 treatment months in the bank. if i start with IUI's i don't want to do one-wait a few months, & then try again. the thing that pisses me off the most is that we were ready a year and a half ago. we were there. but life just handed us a shitty ass year & now we have to wait even longer just for a shot at getting pregnant. i am months away from turning 29. i was supposed to go through this financial shit when i was just starting out in life. in my master plan i was done having my 2 babies by now. in my image of how my life would be i was a mother by 27. i can accept that things change & life doesn't always work out how we want. but to have the 2007 i had & now have to wait out 2008 & hope that 2009 decides to give me the only thing i want- it's all starting to feel like i am just not going to see it. i really am starting to think that i am just not fated to be a mother. maybe i am paying for a past life- but considering i am a good fucking person with no reason to not get to experience this- it really fucking sucks.
at least feeling this hopeless at the start of the 2ww has it's benefits- i don't have to worry about hope making an experience, or feel that crash in 2 weeks.
-it's not all doom & gloom- i am just so frustrated right now- i'm tired & tired of waiting & just venting. plus- with the pretty significant temp spike i am pretty sure i have a ton of hormones coursing through my system right now.
my best friend from home just called & she will be 30 minutes away at a roller derby bout tonight. so the hub & i will go to that & she may stay over. it sounds like just what i need to take my mind of my pathetic pity party that i can't seem to shake.
*ha, ha, freaking ha- as soon as i hit publish & checked my e-mail- here is my horoscope today:
"Your five-year plan is all set and you're pretty much on schedule, so there's nothing to worry about there. Today, you should bring your focus back to the more immediate future. What are you doing in the next few months? Got anything big planned? If not, then cook something up with your sweetie or best pal. A road trip may be in order -- and if you start setting aside some mad money now, you will have enough to travel in style and splurge on a luxury experience."
i really need to start ignoring this shit. it's spot on- but always opposite.
Friday, May 23, 2008
i should quit
i should quit charting. at least after confirming ovulation. i was reminded last night (although i really have been noticing it lately) that i can not stop myself from obsessions over my charts- i always find a reason for hope. and it's getting too dramatic. too draining. my temp fell a little today after showing a faint possibility of a nice dip & rise on day 8 & 9 that of course led me to jump straight to wild thoughts of triphasic charts & implantation dips. hardy freaking har. i have pretty charts. they mean shit. i need to have that tattooed somewhere. still waiting out until tuesday for any thoughts of testing, but today i feel like seeing a positive is unimaginable. any difference in my chart is due to the herbs & acupuncture, not a little bean. as much as i would like to be able to convince myself otherwise- it's just not so.
*update: wow. you guys rock- each & everyone of you. all your comments - however different- make me feel much better. i saw this morning's temp & just figured 'that's it'. i do tend to go overboard once i hit 9-10 dpo. it happens every month & while i am happy that i still have the ability to let hope in at this point- it really does fucking hurt to be let down that much more. because -as i'm sure you all know & feel like i do- i fucking want this. more than i have ever wanted anything. i am trying everything that is in my power to try & i am tired. the waiting is getting to be tortuous- i don't want to have to move on to treatments & IUI's, or contemplate IVF over adoption, but at least it would be doing, rather than just waiting & hoping. because that hasn't gotten me anywhere- yet i can't turn it off. and to be honest- i won't stop charting- i like being able to see my feeble efforts laid out in a chart. i like knowing that something is going on in there- even if it's not the something i want so desperately.
*update: wow. you guys rock- each & everyone of you. all your comments - however different- make me feel much better. i saw this morning's temp & just figured 'that's it'. i do tend to go overboard once i hit 9-10 dpo. it happens every month & while i am happy that i still have the ability to let hope in at this point- it really does fucking hurt to be let down that much more. because -as i'm sure you all know & feel like i do- i fucking want this. more than i have ever wanted anything. i am trying everything that is in my power to try & i am tired. the waiting is getting to be tortuous- i don't want to have to move on to treatments & IUI's, or contemplate IVF over adoption, but at least it would be doing, rather than just waiting & hoping. because that hasn't gotten me anywhere- yet i can't turn it off. and to be honest- i won't stop charting- i like being able to see my feeble efforts laid out in a chart. i like knowing that something is going on in there- even if it's not the something i want so desperately.
i just need to learn how to set realistic expectations & stop letting my imagination run wild. i swear i found myself touching my stomach & asking if anyone was there & if they wouldn't mind hanging out for a while...
have a fantastic weekend- we plan on doing some creative shopping- yard sales, thrift stores, etc. exploring the neighborhood since we have been very bad about seeing what is literally in our own backyard. we're also hanging out with friends tomorrow. (which i am slightly annoyed that despite my thoughts to the contrary- i still won't drink a sip on this oh so bbq & beer filled holiday because i can't let go of that last little bit of hope- she sure is a clingy bitch.)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
finally- complete with drama
houston- we have positive opk. because it's me, this wouldn't be a post without chart drama.
on saturday i forgot to opk. i was hanging out with the neighbors, drinking my herbs, gardening, drinking a beer, cooking & all of a sudden i look at the clock- right after a pee break no less- and it's 6 pm. my normal opk time! shit.
stop drinking, wait 2 hours, opk is darker than any of the others were & next morning temp jumps. still up the day after & sunday's opk is lighter again. so i thought the miraculous had happened & i actually had a day 15 ovulation. pretty fucking great considering timing was awesome- once on day 14 & (drum roll please) twice on day 16. i go to acupuncture & brag my ass off about how great it is to ovulate at a 'normal' point in my cycle. i am so convinced that i switch to the ovulation formula of herbs that i am to take for three days starting with the day of ovulation. the formula that smells surprisingly good like cinnamon, but tastes deceptively like dirt.
-oh & acupuncture was actually pretty awesome- i got a heat lamp over my belly at first- and then over my cold cold tootsies. i had more points than i ever have before (not sure if this is good) and as she was pushing the points i could really feel the difference between the ones she wanted to stimulate & the ones that were okay. i also got a few ear points & a bunch of foot points- the one right in the toe was the only time i have ever felt the needle beyond just the initial placement. not painful, just uncomfortable.
then yesterday i decide to take one last opk for shits & giggles. it takes about 5 minutes for me to actually be able to read it. so i forget about it as we have ten tons of shit to do. read the opk this morning & holy shit! positive- with a deep temp drop to boot. do i get to take advantage of it- no. the hub is out of state. with literally no time for a morning quicky. he returns tomorrow night but i fear that will be too late. plus- i am on day 18 today, if i actually ovulate tomorrow (day 19, duh) it will be better for timing, but not make me feel better about my ovulation actually happening sooner. at least day 18 is the earlier side of my normal.
i guess my ecstatic joy in seeing actual changes in my cycle after only one month of acupuncture were slightly jumping the gun. i do think i am responding, but i thought i had seen a minor ovulatory miracle. oh well. maybe next time. because i am 98.6% sure that there will be a next time.
now- the big question is do i keep taking the ovulation formula for the next two days, or switch to the luteal phase formula... off to e-mail the doc!
on saturday i forgot to opk. i was hanging out with the neighbors, drinking my herbs, gardening, drinking a beer, cooking & all of a sudden i look at the clock- right after a pee break no less- and it's 6 pm. my normal opk time! shit.
stop drinking, wait 2 hours, opk is darker than any of the others were & next morning temp jumps. still up the day after & sunday's opk is lighter again. so i thought the miraculous had happened & i actually had a day 15 ovulation. pretty fucking great considering timing was awesome- once on day 14 & (drum roll please) twice on day 16. i go to acupuncture & brag my ass off about how great it is to ovulate at a 'normal' point in my cycle. i am so convinced that i switch to the ovulation formula of herbs that i am to take for three days starting with the day of ovulation. the formula that smells surprisingly good like cinnamon, but tastes deceptively like dirt.
-oh & acupuncture was actually pretty awesome- i got a heat lamp over my belly at first- and then over my cold cold tootsies. i had more points than i ever have before (not sure if this is good) and as she was pushing the points i could really feel the difference between the ones she wanted to stimulate & the ones that were okay. i also got a few ear points & a bunch of foot points- the one right in the toe was the only time i have ever felt the needle beyond just the initial placement. not painful, just uncomfortable.
then yesterday i decide to take one last opk for shits & giggles. it takes about 5 minutes for me to actually be able to read it. so i forget about it as we have ten tons of shit to do. read the opk this morning & holy shit! positive- with a deep temp drop to boot. do i get to take advantage of it- no. the hub is out of state. with literally no time for a morning quicky. he returns tomorrow night but i fear that will be too late. plus- i am on day 18 today, if i actually ovulate tomorrow (day 19, duh) it will be better for timing, but not make me feel better about my ovulation actually happening sooner. at least day 18 is the earlier side of my normal.
i guess my ecstatic joy in seeing actual changes in my cycle after only one month of acupuncture were slightly jumping the gun. i do think i am responding, but i thought i had seen a minor ovulatory miracle. oh well. maybe next time. because i am 98.6% sure that there will be a next time.
now- the big question is do i keep taking the ovulation formula for the next two days, or switch to the luteal phase formula... off to e-mail the doc!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
ack. life can suck
at least my life is seeming to even out lately. the hub has been doing great at the new job & we may actually have a decent chance of catching up & even affording the clomid challenge next cycle. i am very grateful for that.
i am grateful to have the hub tonight. as much as this year (+) has been a struggle and been the most difficult thing i have done (including a difficult program at school & getting myself out of debt- only to fall back in it after this year, blech) i have learned to be thankful that i am going through it with the man i love more than anything. as much as we have both said things we don't really mean out of fear & anger this past year- i know that we love each other unconditionally.
this love fest for my hub comes on the heels of finding out one of my greatest & oldest friends has just been left by her husband. of 5 months. for no good reason. this is a woman who did everything for this man for 3+ years & only asked for love in return. this is a man who seems to be a child at heart- not ready for commitment, yet not man enough to say something before lifetime vows were exchanged. of course- i don't know the whole story, i am reacting to what my dear friend has told me. but i do know that she doesn't deserve this. she didn't deserve to have this beautiful wedding, only to have the marriage crumble. and hearing this today makes me so grateful for what i have- my hub, my rock, my love. i hope my friend finds her rock soon.
i am grateful to have the hub tonight. as much as this year (+) has been a struggle and been the most difficult thing i have done (including a difficult program at school & getting myself out of debt- only to fall back in it after this year, blech) i have learned to be thankful that i am going through it with the man i love more than anything. as much as we have both said things we don't really mean out of fear & anger this past year- i know that we love each other unconditionally.
this love fest for my hub comes on the heels of finding out one of my greatest & oldest friends has just been left by her husband. of 5 months. for no good reason. this is a woman who did everything for this man for 3+ years & only asked for love in return. this is a man who seems to be a child at heart- not ready for commitment, yet not man enough to say something before lifetime vows were exchanged. of course- i don't know the whole story, i am reacting to what my dear friend has told me. but i do know that she doesn't deserve this. she didn't deserve to have this beautiful wedding, only to have the marriage crumble. and hearing this today makes me so grateful for what i have- my hub, my rock, my love. i hope my friend finds her rock soon.
Monday, March 24, 2008
reasons i cried today
*disclaimer- this is a woe is me pathetic & pity filled post. if you want to wait for my usual bubbly self come back tomorrow.
1. when the hub told me he was depressed because he hadn't sold anything yet today & he thinks he's a terrible salesman. on day 3 of his new job as a salesman which he's never done before.
2. when i came home & saw not one, but 2 adorable toddlers under the age of 3 on my front lawn & realized they're not my kids maybe they won't ever be. (obviously i know these particular children will never be mine, nor would i think they would be handed over upon seeing how magically i interact with small children)
3. walking in the door after spending 10 minutes with said adorable little boy watching him alternately run up to my dogs & wait to get kissed by them & throwing himself down the teeny little slope in my front yard and feeling so low & hopeless. i want to see my kids playing with my dogs.
4. not knowing if we are in for another month, 6 months, year(s) of waiting.
5. getting my period & realizing that i will not be a mother in 2008.
6. realizing that as sad as i am, the hub is also devastated this month since he is now 150% invested in starting a family. (i would put him at previously 100% mentally invested, 75% emotionally & about 70% physically)
7. feeling my sore ass boobs not getting any less sore even though they usually at least ease up a day before my period.
8. calling for my day one (postponing the clomid challenge cycle another month) and finding out my fsh at last month's day 3 was 4 which is normal. so now we know almost definitely that there is no reason we can't get pregnant. this makes me feel even worse while feeling reassured at the same time.
9. realizing that my 'full' feeling the past few days is just bloating & my expanding ass, not in any way baby related.
10. the fact that i am this sorry for myself after 'only' 16 cycles and absolutely no treatment cycles. this makes me cry for everyone else (and myself too for being such a pathetic whining p.o.s.)
11. realizing i forgot to pick up wine on my way home.
what made me smile today?
- my little mandog is happy
- my little girldog is insane
- i have chocolate (my last vice to give up- i have now cut out caffeine completely, except of course for the chocolate, and i only have a few glasses of wine when the dreaded af shows up)
1. when the hub told me he was depressed because he hadn't sold anything yet today & he thinks he's a terrible salesman. on day 3 of his new job as a salesman which he's never done before.
2. when i came home & saw not one, but 2 adorable toddlers under the age of 3 on my front lawn & realized they're not my kids maybe they won't ever be. (obviously i know these particular children will never be mine, nor would i think they would be handed over upon seeing how magically i interact with small children)
3. walking in the door after spending 10 minutes with said adorable little boy watching him alternately run up to my dogs & wait to get kissed by them & throwing himself down the teeny little slope in my front yard and feeling so low & hopeless. i want to see my kids playing with my dogs.
4. not knowing if we are in for another month, 6 months, year(s) of waiting.
5. getting my period & realizing that i will not be a mother in 2008.
6. realizing that as sad as i am, the hub is also devastated this month since he is now 150% invested in starting a family. (i would put him at previously 100% mentally invested, 75% emotionally & about 70% physically)
7. feeling my sore ass boobs not getting any less sore even though they usually at least ease up a day before my period.
8. calling for my day one (postponing the clomid challenge cycle another month) and finding out my fsh at last month's day 3 was 4 which is normal. so now we know almost definitely that there is no reason we can't get pregnant. this makes me feel even worse while feeling reassured at the same time.
9. realizing that my 'full' feeling the past few days is just bloating & my expanding ass, not in any way baby related.
10. the fact that i am this sorry for myself after 'only' 16 cycles and absolutely no treatment cycles. this makes me cry for everyone else (and myself too for being such a pathetic whining p.o.s.)
11. realizing i forgot to pick up wine on my way home.
what made me smile today?
- my little mandog is happy
- my little girldog is insane
- i have chocolate (my last vice to give up- i have now cut out caffeine completely, except of course for the chocolate, and i only have a few glasses of wine when the dreaded af shows up)
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
all's quiet on the homefront
nothing much is going on right now. we got all our test results back as perfectly normal. ooh- reminds me to call about my fsh- don't remember getting that yet- will do tomorrow! so now we just wait. opk's are negative, but temps are right on track for some o-time soon. who knows what's going on with all that so we're still trying on our own & trying to figure out what to do next. probably the clomid challenge test with IUI in a few months. we have to save up & get a 2nd car first...
the hub's been doing really well with the new job. we also sold an old drafting table. i loved the table very much- it was the hub's gift to me when we got back together in college. he refinished it himself & it was beautiful. but i haven't used it in 5 years. we got a really good chuck of change for it- enough to catch up all our bills & get us square from the little hole we found ourselves in from the shop. not enough to get a car too, but we still have our tax return & hopefully that refund... then i hopefully get my profit sharing check & we can use that for cycles. it may put us out to may or june, which totally sucks, but at least we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant. of course- we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant- which also sucks.
another thing that happened is the hub told me about a girl at his job who is pregnant after ivf. they tried for 3 years & he had a long talk with her today. they talked mainly about her i think, but i was surprised (okay- shocked beyond belief!) that my hub would openly talk with a relative stranger, someone he's only known for a month, about our problems trying to conceive. he said it was actually good to talk with her & i guess they talked about me a lot- my reactions to certain things & the fact that i have my 'online girls' to talk to about this stuff. i am grateful that this woman was able to reassure my hub that i am not crazy, obsessed, or strange for any of the things i do in this quest to be a mommy. she did them all too. (why he had to hear it from her & couldn't just believe me is beyond me- but i'm still thankful he was able to hear that someone else feels exactly like his wife does) i am proud of him for doing what i can only really dream of- talk openly about what's going on & how he is dealing with it. get advice (some assvice was given too!) and compare RE's. to someones face. i wish (& dread) for that same experience.
i find myself in this really odd place lately. i am very tired & easily distracted. i'm happy, but restless. it seems like the longer we try, the less real or possible the end goal starts to seem. i can't visualize myself as pregnant, or holding our child as easily as i could when we first started. at the same time- i am having dreams about giving birth to our child, putting her down in her crib, carrying her around with me while picking up groceries. these dreams are vivid & very real & i always have a small daughter, less than a month old, with dark almost black eyes & thick straight dark hair. and i always wake up right after having one of these dreams, ensuring that i remember it all day. they make me sad & hopeful all rolled into one.
oh- to end this post on a completely self-centered & random note- i cut my hair on sunday- i gave myself bangs which i haven't had in a really long time. i'm trying to grow my hair & not dye it- so there weren't that many options for changing it. thankfully they seem to be a big hit- i have gotten compliments from just about everyone i work with & know. and that really helps make a girl feel better after a week of coochie prodding & an 'unexplained' diagnosis combined with 2 infants, 3 toddlers, & a 4 year old in the office. i love those kids, but it gets hard to stop thinking 'why not me?'
the hub's been doing really well with the new job. we also sold an old drafting table. i loved the table very much- it was the hub's gift to me when we got back together in college. he refinished it himself & it was beautiful. but i haven't used it in 5 years. we got a really good chuck of change for it- enough to catch up all our bills & get us square from the little hole we found ourselves in from the shop. not enough to get a car too, but we still have our tax return & hopefully that refund... then i hopefully get my profit sharing check & we can use that for cycles. it may put us out to may or june, which totally sucks, but at least we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant. of course- we know that there's no reason we can't get pregnant- which also sucks.
another thing that happened is the hub told me about a girl at his job who is pregnant after ivf. they tried for 3 years & he had a long talk with her today. they talked mainly about her i think, but i was surprised (okay- shocked beyond belief!) that my hub would openly talk with a relative stranger, someone he's only known for a month, about our problems trying to conceive. he said it was actually good to talk with her & i guess they talked about me a lot- my reactions to certain things & the fact that i have my 'online girls' to talk to about this stuff. i am grateful that this woman was able to reassure my hub that i am not crazy, obsessed, or strange for any of the things i do in this quest to be a mommy. she did them all too. (why he had to hear it from her & couldn't just believe me is beyond me- but i'm still thankful he was able to hear that someone else feels exactly like his wife does) i am proud of him for doing what i can only really dream of- talk openly about what's going on & how he is dealing with it. get advice (some assvice was given too!) and compare RE's. to someones face. i wish (& dread) for that same experience.
i find myself in this really odd place lately. i am very tired & easily distracted. i'm happy, but restless. it seems like the longer we try, the less real or possible the end goal starts to seem. i can't visualize myself as pregnant, or holding our child as easily as i could when we first started. at the same time- i am having dreams about giving birth to our child, putting her down in her crib, carrying her around with me while picking up groceries. these dreams are vivid & very real & i always have a small daughter, less than a month old, with dark almost black eyes & thick straight dark hair. and i always wake up right after having one of these dreams, ensuring that i remember it all day. they make me sad & hopeful all rolled into one.
oh- to end this post on a completely self-centered & random note- i cut my hair on sunday- i gave myself bangs which i haven't had in a really long time. i'm trying to grow my hair & not dye it- so there weren't that many options for changing it. thankfully they seem to be a big hit- i have gotten compliments from just about everyone i work with & know. and that really helps make a girl feel better after a week of coochie prodding & an 'unexplained' diagnosis combined with 2 infants, 3 toddlers, & a 4 year old in the office. i love those kids, but it gets hard to stop thinking 'why not me?'
Saturday, January 26, 2008
spring cleaning is coming early this year
yet again i am sans internet at home. i am in the shop right now stealing a moment from the hub's computer.
i have been so stressed out, so depressed, so not myself pretty much since september (let's be fair & say i haven't been myself since january 07- but who's really counting) i can feel myself slowly coming back. making my appointment, hopefully getting started with some answers, getting my house back, hopefully having my hub's stress levels come down & getting him back the way he was- these are the things i can not wait to have. i can see them, i can almost taste them, but they aren't here yet. so much of this experience has been about waiting. the constant living of life in short bursts measured by 2 weeks, or just another month, or maybe next year. i don't want to do it anymore. i am cleaning up my life.
getting the rommate out seems to be one of the first steps. the roomie is in the incredibly & aggravatingly slow process of moving out. despite our firm stance on getting his *fucking drooling beast viscious monster * erm- dog out of the house over a week ago it is still there. at this point i can't be bothered to stress anymore. he's being a disrespectful asshole- but he's paid through the end of january. i just can't wait to have my house back. i've been waiting for this moment since SEPTEMBER. you know 'those people' that say stress & infertility are linked... we'll see if my stress level goes down & miracles happen once my house is mine again. it is annoying & i don't hate the guy, but he has no clue how to live with people. he just doesn't get that as much as his money every month helped us out- we were giving him something in return. he was living with his freaking mother. at 31. we tried to be understanding the first time his dog bit us- we had him get the dog fixed. we love animals. our 'children' are our dogs. so we understood that him getting rid of the dog was a painful & heartbreaking option. so we gave him another one. and when it didn't change anything & the dog visciously attacked my husband, he took advantage of our previous generosity & did absolutely nothing. sure he got his own place- but that was in the works long before the incident. and the fact of the matter is that he does not have the time to properly care for the dog to ensure that this situation isn't repeated with someone else. someone far less understanding than us. god forbid one of his new neighbors is a small child. it's irresponsible dog ownership. and it really makes me mad. obviously- i've turned this post into a rant!!! but since they will be leaving my house soon, i really can't care about it. the state has his information due to the hospital visit & mandatory reporting. they are aware & it has to be up to them to follow up.
-anyway- the point of the roommate even being brought up is that he is the one who put in the phone line & internet at home. we transferred our home internet to the shop last year when it started & decided we could live without it for a while to save some money. now that he's moving out it's been disconnected (which we obviously knew was coming) but the kicker is that he claims it's a technical issue! how immature is it to lie about something that we were expecting?! i can not wait to get this guy out of our life!
getting back to the great life clean-up of 08- hub & i have been talking a lot about this upcoming appointment & all the 'what-ifs'. you must know by now how much i love getting caught up in the 'what-ifs'! after speaking with a dear friend who always says the right thing when i get caught up in a bunch of maybe's- i think we have our 6-8 month plan. we will go to our appointment & get every test deemed necessary. thankfully insurance covers most of it- but a few things will be out of pocket. we will fix what is found- if anything is- and if that means an ovulation inducer (hello clo-mood) than that is still within the immediate budget. if we are unexplained then we may be stopping at testing for a little bit. we really need to take some time to put together the finances for treatment. i really wouldn't want to be able to do one cycle, stop for a few months, maybe try another, stop for a few months. i would want to save up enough for at least 3-4 inject cycles. not that i know i'd need them or that they are in my future- i really don't. but i want to be able to plan for the most expensive option that we are willing to look at right now. ** since i know right off the bat that we do not have enough in our savings to have a few back to back cycles then we have decided that we'll be trying naturally for a while if we are unexplained (i have my own theory that we are either unexplained or MF below) & i'll investigate accupuncture & tcm. we'll get our savings back together & be generally armed to tackle treatments if it comes to that. if not then 6-8 months would have been spent bettering our lives. it's a no lose situation.
i feel good about this timeline. i feel like getting tested is the best possible thing we can do & now that we are finally doing it i am much calmer. i like having a plan & even if there is still monthly heartache waiting for treatment cycles- then at least i have a goal to countdown to. we're still pretty youngish & there's time for this. i have so much going on in my life right now that a slightly more relaxed timeline makes sense for us. we're both a little nervous, but definitely looking forward to taking some real steps forward- even if they are slow shuffling ones.
my own theory on what's going on is we are either unexplained & just on a really slow timeline due to the huge amounts of additional stress in the last year as well as my surgery, OR we have some male factor. the hub had an infant hernia surgery & everything that evil dr. g has told me means that reduced counts & poor quality could be possible after such a surgery. being that we've been having sex for almost 12 years & i don't have any problems ovulating (even if it sometimes takes a while to happen) & we have only had one possible pregnancy 'scare' in the very first months of being together i am nervous about a male factor. of course he can improve some lifestyle factors (hello stress & he's still smoking). but then again- i am jumping ahead. we'll have to wait to get some tests freaking done first before i start worrying about the 'what-ifs'!
** i have a secret back pocket option b. my sister, my beautiful generous shvesta has repeatedly told me the most heartwarming & gloriously kind thing i have ever heard. if you have never met her (& i doubt you have) you may think this is a little crass or callous- but believe me when i say that with years of history & her position as my stable rock that i get to crash all the crazy against- when she told me that she wants to 'subsidize my baby, because happy jenn is worth at least 50- 60 grand to her' i cried with the warm, generous, amazing sentiment behind it. i don't know if she has 50 grand- i highly doubt it. but she is much better off than me, or at least her hubby is. and they love us & want to share with us to help us have our greatest wish. i am crying right now just thinking about it. it's my far back pocket option because i couldn't dream of being able to repay them & i wouldn't ever take that much money from them just to have a chance to get pregnant, but knowing that despite her own medical problems that will keep her from ever being able to even try to get pregnant herself, she wants me to be a mom so much that she would hand over a pretty big check (heck, even if we never went to IVF we could maybe do that 'one more' IUI because of her generous heart) well i don't know how i could ever properly express my gratitude at just being given the offer.
i have been so stressed out, so depressed, so not myself pretty much since september (let's be fair & say i haven't been myself since january 07- but who's really counting) i can feel myself slowly coming back. making my appointment, hopefully getting started with some answers, getting my house back, hopefully having my hub's stress levels come down & getting him back the way he was- these are the things i can not wait to have. i can see them, i can almost taste them, but they aren't here yet. so much of this experience has been about waiting. the constant living of life in short bursts measured by 2 weeks, or just another month, or maybe next year. i don't want to do it anymore. i am cleaning up my life.
getting the rommate out seems to be one of the first steps. the roomie is in the incredibly & aggravatingly slow process of moving out. despite our firm stance on getting his *fucking drooling beast viscious monster * erm- dog out of the house over a week ago it is still there. at this point i can't be bothered to stress anymore. he's being a disrespectful asshole- but he's paid through the end of january. i just can't wait to have my house back. i've been waiting for this moment since SEPTEMBER. you know 'those people' that say stress & infertility are linked... we'll see if my stress level goes down & miracles happen once my house is mine again. it is annoying & i don't hate the guy, but he has no clue how to live with people. he just doesn't get that as much as his money every month helped us out- we were giving him something in return. he was living with his freaking mother. at 31. we tried to be understanding the first time his dog bit us- we had him get the dog fixed. we love animals. our 'children' are our dogs. so we understood that him getting rid of the dog was a painful & heartbreaking option. so we gave him another one. and when it didn't change anything & the dog visciously attacked my husband, he took advantage of our previous generosity & did absolutely nothing. sure he got his own place- but that was in the works long before the incident. and the fact of the matter is that he does not have the time to properly care for the dog to ensure that this situation isn't repeated with someone else. someone far less understanding than us. god forbid one of his new neighbors is a small child. it's irresponsible dog ownership. and it really makes me mad. obviously- i've turned this post into a rant!!! but since they will be leaving my house soon, i really can't care about it. the state has his information due to the hospital visit & mandatory reporting. they are aware & it has to be up to them to follow up.
-anyway- the point of the roommate even being brought up is that he is the one who put in the phone line & internet at home. we transferred our home internet to the shop last year when it started & decided we could live without it for a while to save some money. now that he's moving out it's been disconnected (which we obviously knew was coming) but the kicker is that he claims it's a technical issue! how immature is it to lie about something that we were expecting?! i can not wait to get this guy out of our life!
getting back to the great life clean-up of 08- hub & i have been talking a lot about this upcoming appointment & all the 'what-ifs'. you must know by now how much i love getting caught up in the 'what-ifs'! after speaking with a dear friend who always says the right thing when i get caught up in a bunch of maybe's- i think we have our 6-8 month plan. we will go to our appointment & get every test deemed necessary. thankfully insurance covers most of it- but a few things will be out of pocket. we will fix what is found- if anything is- and if that means an ovulation inducer (hello clo-mood) than that is still within the immediate budget. if we are unexplained then we may be stopping at testing for a little bit. we really need to take some time to put together the finances for treatment. i really wouldn't want to be able to do one cycle, stop for a few months, maybe try another, stop for a few months. i would want to save up enough for at least 3-4 inject cycles. not that i know i'd need them or that they are in my future- i really don't. but i want to be able to plan for the most expensive option that we are willing to look at right now. ** since i know right off the bat that we do not have enough in our savings to have a few back to back cycles then we have decided that we'll be trying naturally for a while if we are unexplained (i have my own theory that we are either unexplained or MF below) & i'll investigate accupuncture & tcm. we'll get our savings back together & be generally armed to tackle treatments if it comes to that. if not then 6-8 months would have been spent bettering our lives. it's a no lose situation.
i feel good about this timeline. i feel like getting tested is the best possible thing we can do & now that we are finally doing it i am much calmer. i like having a plan & even if there is still monthly heartache waiting for treatment cycles- then at least i have a goal to countdown to. we're still pretty youngish & there's time for this. i have so much going on in my life right now that a slightly more relaxed timeline makes sense for us. we're both a little nervous, but definitely looking forward to taking some real steps forward- even if they are slow shuffling ones.
my own theory on what's going on is we are either unexplained & just on a really slow timeline due to the huge amounts of additional stress in the last year as well as my surgery, OR we have some male factor. the hub had an infant hernia surgery & everything that evil dr. g has told me means that reduced counts & poor quality could be possible after such a surgery. being that we've been having sex for almost 12 years & i don't have any problems ovulating (even if it sometimes takes a while to happen) & we have only had one possible pregnancy 'scare' in the very first months of being together i am nervous about a male factor. of course he can improve some lifestyle factors (hello stress & he's still smoking). but then again- i am jumping ahead. we'll have to wait to get some tests freaking done first before i start worrying about the 'what-ifs'!
** i have a secret back pocket option b. my sister, my beautiful generous shvesta has repeatedly told me the most heartwarming & gloriously kind thing i have ever heard. if you have never met her (& i doubt you have) you may think this is a little crass or callous- but believe me when i say that with years of history & her position as my stable rock that i get to crash all the crazy against- when she told me that she wants to 'subsidize my baby, because happy jenn is worth at least 50- 60 grand to her' i cried with the warm, generous, amazing sentiment behind it. i don't know if she has 50 grand- i highly doubt it. but she is much better off than me, or at least her hubby is. and they love us & want to share with us to help us have our greatest wish. i am crying right now just thinking about it. it's my far back pocket option because i couldn't dream of being able to repay them & i wouldn't ever take that much money from them just to have a chance to get pregnant, but knowing that despite her own medical problems that will keep her from ever being able to even try to get pregnant herself, she wants me to be a mom so much that she would hand over a pretty big check (heck, even if we never went to IVF we could maybe do that 'one more' IUI because of her generous heart) well i don't know how i could ever properly express my gratitude at just being given the offer.
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